Red Dwarf Episode Scripts

N/A - Future Echoes

(DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC) This is an SOS distress call from the mining ship "Red Dwarf".
The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak.
The only survivors were.
Dave Lister, who was in suspended animation during the disaster, and his pregnant cat, who was safely sealed in the hold.
Revived three million years later, his only companions are a life form who evolved from his cat and Arnold Rimmer - a hologram simulation of one of the dead crew.
I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an IQ of 6,000 - the same IQ as 6,000 PE teachers.
# In a crater, on a ast'roid excavating for a mine, # Lived an old plutonium miner, and his daughter Clementine # - Lister.
RD 52169.
- Yeth? Can I help you? - You've got a lisp.
- Yeth, I know.
The malfunction has been reported.
Thorry for the inconvenienth.
Give me a bacon sandwich with French mustard and black coffee.
(MACHINE HUMS) Your vocabulary unit's not working either.
Thith altho hath been reported.
Thorry for the inconvenienth.
- Can you just try a black coffee? - I'll certainly try.
- That's a bucket.
- Thorry.
# Do, do, do, da da# Morning, Lister.
How's life, you pregnant baboon-bellied space beatnik? What's the plan for today, then? Slobbing in the morning, then slobbing in the afternoon, then a snooze before the main evening slob? You're a disgrace to the species.
Good morning, Rimmer.
Clock stop! 6.
47.
Not a bad little time for the mile.
Pity I was only doing the 300 metres.
I had that conversation with Lister.
Knock 4 minutes off for that.
Plus a little rest, so I wouldn't looked shagged out as I passed him.
So, knock that off and I've broken the world record, well done.
I'm fitter than I thought.
Holly, give me a clean uniform.
- 9.
47 am, Arnold.
- No, a clean uniform, you idiot.
- I'm rather busy at the moment.
- Now! (H0LLY SIGHS) And give me a crewcut.
I'm beginning to look like a Hell's Angel.
We're going to hit light speed in 24 hours.
I have to navigate a ship the size of a city through speeds never experienced in the human sphere.
I'm not a combination of the Speaking Clock, Moss Bros and Teasy-Weasy.
Holly, a hologram I may be.
But I'm still the highest ranking technician aboard this ship.
If I say do something, you do it.
Understand? You stupid, jumped-up filofax.
- I'm a what? - You heard.
- Just get on with it.
Very short.
- OK, Arnold.
- Have you done it, Hol? - Yes.
- A crewcut, and it's very short? - Yes, Arnold.
As my father always said, shiny clean boots and a spanking short haircut, and you can cope with anything.
He said that just before all that unfortunate suicide business.
Ah, now that's me with jim Bexley Speed.
He played for the London jets Zero Gravity Football Team.
He was roof attack.
He was really, really, really, really thrilled to meet me.
- Who's that guy? - That's me grandmother.
She brought me up.
She was a great old lady.
She got me expelled from school because she nutted the headmaster.
Wow.
That's nice.
It's just a jupiter rise.
Everyone takes that shot.
Who is that? That's me Dad.
It's me only photo.
He's your father? No wonder you're so ugly.
- No, that's his dog, Hannah.
- Dawwg? What's a dawwg? - It's just a pet.
- Ugleeeeee! You go get your stuff and let me pack mine.
Will you do that? This dog.
Better not be around here or I may have to chase him.
They're about 18 feet long with teeth as big as your leg.
Aaaaaw! So, mechanical engineering! Hey! Perfection! And they said you was a waste of money.
- What's he looking at? - Who? That idiotic cat.
- What have you done to your hair? - Holly did it.
- Why? - I ordered him to.
- It looks ridiculous.
- It may look ridiculous to you, but I like it like this.
I feel like a man.
Yeah.
And you'll probably get one, looking like that.
Short hair gives a man a sense of dignity, a sense of discipline.
- Have you seen it? - I don't need to see it.
I didn't get it to look good.
This is a haircut for action, not poncing around in.
Maybe a bit severe.
A bit too Green Beret.
But you are how you look, and I look like a complete and total tit! Holly! Holly! This is a recording.
Holly is busy at the moment.
Leave a message after the bleep and he'll get back to you.
Bleep.
Holly, this is Rimmer.
Remember me? Rimmer.
Arnold Rimmer.
The poor goit you made look like Helen Shapiro.
I'll see you toast in the fires of Hell for this.
Did someone say they wanted toast? No, shut up.
- What are you doing? - I'm going into stasis.
Holly tell you? Stasis? What for? While we go through light speed.
I thought I may as well stay till we get back to Earth.
Earth? That's three million years away.
You can't leave me that long - I'll go peculiar.
Holly, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to be rude.
Can I please have my own hair back? - Pretty please, with sugar on? - I'll think about it, Arnold.
Holly's supposed to have told you.
I thought you didn't mind.
Mind? Mind? Why should I mind? while you're in suspended animation? I'll do that crossword book - that should kill a couple of centuries.
Holly'll switch you off till we come out.
Switch me on, switch me off, like a battery-powered sex aid.
- Don't give me this.
- Give you what? I'm dead, or haven't you noticed? I know you're dead.
Don't whinge on.
Sorry to be a bore.
You're everything you were when you were alive.
Same personality, same everything.
Apart from the detail that I'm a stiffy.
Death isn't the handicap it was in the olden days.
It doesn't screw your career like it used to.
But if you had two people coming for a job and one was dead, which would you pick? Well, depends on which was best qualified.
Bullpats.
When did you last see a dead newsreader? Channel 27 had a hologram reading the news.
Big smegging deal.
You livies hate us deadies.
If I'm going back to Earth, I have to go into stasis.
It's gonna take 4,000 years just to turn around.
You can't do a three-point turn this close to light speed.
Really? Read that in the Ladybird Book of Astronavigation? It happens to be true.
I know.
I've taken the astronavigation exam nine times.
Ten, counting the time I had my spasm.
You'll only be turned off till we get back to Earth.
Where you won't need me, so I won't get switched back on.
They may cure you.
They may have made advances while we were away.
I expect they cured death the instant we left Earth.
I expect doctors' surgeries are packed with the dead.
"Mrs johnstone, take one of these three times a day, "you'll soon be living again.
Carole, next corpse, please.
" - They might.
- Yes, if the Earth hasn't blown up.
Well, you'll be in your element.
You'll get a decent job at last.
- Yeah, yeah.
- You'll run for government.
- Yeah, yeah.
- You'll even make it as a male model.
Git.
# To Ganymede and Titan # Yes, sir, I've been around.
# But there ain't no place in the whole of space # Like that good ol' toddlin' town # 0h, oohh # Lunar City # # Lunar City 7 # You can't sing, you know.
- You can, can you? - As a toaster, I'm tone deaf, am I? Go on, then.
Welcome to the Starlight Ballroom # Fly me to the moon and let me # # Lunar City 7 # (LISTER C0NTINUES SINGING) - What was that?! - Er, 11.
14 ship time, Dave.
No, Holly, what was that flash? We've broken the light barrier 22 hours early.
Is everyone all right? I can't do it.
I can't cope.
Me bottle's gone.
Holly, is everyone all right? No, I'm not.
I thought I could navigate at light speed but I can't wrap me head round it.
Gordon Bennet, that was a close onel What's the problem? You've an IQ of 6,000! We're travelling faster than the speed of light.
By the time we see something, we've already passed through it.
Even with an IQ of 6,000, it's still brown trousers time.
Can I help? It's all right.
I'm getting the hang of it now.
Left a bit straighten her up.
I better go.
# To Ganymede and Titan, Yes, sir, I've # Rimmer! Rimmer! (SILENT) (SILENT) # To Ganymede and Titan, Yes, sir, I've been # Rimmer! What? What is it? Do you see anything really weird in that mirror? Yes.
You, you ugly goit.
- No.
It was really odd.
- What was? Nothing.
Forget it, doesn't matter.
- What doesn't matter? - Nothing, forget it.
Have you been at the marijuana gin? Forget it.
It doesn't matter.
Fine.
If you have more problems with nothing and things that don't matter, just scream my name hysterically, and I'll come pelting down the corridor! # This little kitty went to space # This little kitty stayed at home # 0oohh, aaaahh, tcheee - # My clothes are# - What are you doing? What you said, dude.
I said take a few essentials that you couldn't bear to leave.
Right.
These are all I'm taking.
These and the other ten racks.
Travel light, move fast.
You can't take it all.
There's no room.
I'll just have to do without it.
- You can take two suits, that's it.
- Two suits? - Then I'm staying.
- You can't stay.
- When I come out, you'll be dead.
- Two suits IS dead.
If I cut off my leg and leave it behind, can I take three? Going into stasis in 10 minutes, meet you in the sleeping quarters.
- Rimmer, I've been thinking.
- What? - About going into stasis.
- How did I do what? What do you mean, "How did I do what?" - Lister, don't be a gimboid.
- I'm not being a gimboid.
I've been in the library, thinking.
I've decided Shut up.
As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, I've decided when you go into stasis I want to be left behind.
- What things? - Eh? - I said, what? - What's going on? - You are space crazy.
- I'M space crazy?! You're the one who's space crazy.
It probably is déja-vu.
It sounds like it.
Aaaagh! Rimmer, I've just seen you walk out of that door.
- What? - How did you do that? - How did I do what? - You just walked out of that door.
Lister, don't be a gimboid.
I swear, as you walked out that door, you came in this one.
I've been in the library, and I've decided - I'm telling you - Shut up.
As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, when you go into stasis I want to be left behind.
You just came in and said exactly that.
- What? - You said that.
- What? - And that.
You said that.
- You are space crazy.
- And then you said "It probably is déja-vu.
" It probably is déja-vu.
It sounds like it.
Go on, then: Shake your head and walk out.
Rimmer, listen.
Will you just listen? My tooth! I think I lost my tooth! Cat, wait.
Rimmer, listen.
I'm gonna eat the little fishies.
I'm gonna oh-oh ah-ha! I was just making sure your fish were 0K.
I wasn't going to eat them.
- He just walked past us.
- Must be the light speed.
- Holly, what's going on? - It's light speed, I bet.
- Is your name Holly? - "Is your name Holly" (?) Holly, what is going on? I'm a 10th generation Al hologramic computer.
I'm not your mum.
Yes, fantastic.
Do you want a hand with your homework, or me to sew little nametags in your PE kit? Holly, watch my lips.
What is hap-pen-ing? With the mirror, the cat, everything You're seeing future echoes.
Didn't I explain? What are future echoes? - How simple do you want this? - So Lister can understand it.
Ohh.
Oh, dear.
Difficult, I know.
We're travelling faster than L.
S.
Right? - What's L.
S.
? - Light Speed.
- Smartarse.
It's catching up with things you're to do before you've done them.
- We're seeing bits of the future? - Yes.
Told you it was light speed.
You should've asked me.
- Can they see us? - Of course not.
Use your loaf.
Wait.
So the Cat's gonna break his tooth some time in the future? I didn't think you wanted it THIS simple.
Ain't nobody gonna break my tooth.
How long is this going to last? Till the reverse thrust takes effect and we drop below light speed.
- What's that photograph? - Me and Frankenstein, isn't it? - No.
The one with the babies.
- Babies? I've never seen it before.
Holly, is this what you call a future echo? Yes, of course it isl Bozo.
Two babies.
How did I get two babies? # Ganymede and Titan, Yes, sir, I've been around # But there ain't no place in the whole of space # What's this, guys? "Don't go into stasis.
Please don't leave us with Rimmer.
" I'm sorry, guys, I've got to.
We need you.
There's nothing for me here.
I want to go back to Earth.
Don't do that.
I don't care what it's like.
It must be better than this.
The dolphins may be in charge of people in a human being-atarium.
I just want to find out.
(EXPL0Sl0N) What was that?! - What was that? - Brace yourself for a shock.
- I just saw you die.
- What? I did warn you to brace yourself.
- You didn't give me a chance.
- I gave you ample bracing time.
You didn't you didn't even pause.
I'm sorry.
I've just had a rather nasty experience.
I've just seen someone I know die in the most hideous way! - Yeah, me! - You were fiddling with a navicomp I don't wanna know.
I don't wanna know.
- You don't want to know? - No! Was it quick? Well, I wouldn't say it was super-fast.
Not if you count the thrashing around and agonised squealing.
- You're loving this, aren't you? - What a horrible thing to say.
- It was definitely me? - 0h, yes.
I don't wanna know.
- How old did I look? - How old are you now? - 25.
How old did I look? - Mid-twenties.
Smeg! I'm not ready.
I'm not smegging ready! You did seem surprised.
Did you actually see me face? You were wearing a hat, but it was you.
I won't wear a hat and it can't happen.
Can it? - I can live without a hat.
- Lister, it has happened.
You can't change it any more than change what you had for breakfast.
It hasn't happened.
It has will have going to have happened, happened but it hasn't actually happened, happened yet, actually.
Poppycock.
It will be happened, it shall be going to be happening, it will be wasn't, could - will have been taken place in the future.
Simple as that.
You bucket's been kicked, baby.
- Says you.
- Says me and Albert Einstein.
Albo and I agree on this one - the Theory of Relativity.
All right.
0K.
0K.
Right.
The Cat broke his tooth in a future echo, right? - If I can stop him - Can't be done.
- I can stop me from dying.
- Can't be done.
How would a cat break his tooth? - (HUMS FUNERAL MARCH) - By eating something hard.
My robot goldfish! Eating my robot goldfish.
- Holly, where's the Cat? - Going into your sleeping quarters.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm back.
Feeling good.
How am I looking? Go-oo-od.
I wish I was someone else, then I could kiss me.
I think I'll investigate these! No.
I just ate.
Well, one little fishy # Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna eat you, little fishy # I'm gonna eat you, little fishy # Yeah, I got you! I'm gonna errgh.
I got the fish, I'm not gonna die.
I'm not gonna die.
Crazy monkey! You creased my suit.
My tooth! My tooth! I think I've lost my tooth.
Lister, allow me to be the first to offer my commiserations.
You're really loving this, aren't ya? "Death isn't the handicap it used to be in the olden days"! "It doesn't screw your career up in the way it used to"! Right.
There's always some good in every situation.
Absolutely.
You are about to do the largest splits in your life.
- I get blown up, then? - Bits of you do.
It's not fair.
There's loads of things I've never done.
Like I've never had a prawn vindaloo.
And I've never read a book.
And I wanted to have a family.
And loads of practise on the things you've to do to get a family.
Holly, I'd like to send an internal memo.
Black border.
Begins: "To Dave Lister, "condolences on your passing away.
" What's that poem? "Now, weary traveller, "rest your head, for just like me, you're utterly dead.
" Emergency.
Emergency.
There's an emergency going on.
- What is it, Hol? - There's an emergency, Dave.
The navicomp's overheating.
I need your help in the Drive Room.
- 0ooh-ooh-ooh.
- Come in 169, your time is up.
- 0K.
What was I wearing? - That jacket and red Tee shirt.
You said yourself I can't stop it.
Let's get it over with.
Lister, what's that for? I'm going out as I came in, screaming and kicking.
You can't whack Death on the head.
If he comes near me, I'm gonna rip his nipples off.
It can't cope with the influx of data at light speed, Dave.
Hook it up to the drive computer for me? Six Five Four Three Two Aaaaaaaaaah! 0ne I did it! I'm not going to die.
- Aaaaaaaaaah! - Aaaaaaaah.
Dog attack.
- Why are you so chirpy.
- I'm alive.
For how long? It may happen tomorrow.
- Maybe it won't happen at all.
- I saw it.
I'm sure it was you.
Hello, Dave.
This is me.
I mean you.
I mean, I am you.
This is you aged 171, Dave.
I know you're there, because when I was your age, I saw me at my age telling you what I'm about to tell you, and you've got to tell you, when you get to be me.
- I'm glad you've got your marbles.
- Shhhhh! I've got to tell you about Bexley.
- Who's Bexley? - I wanted to call my second son "Bexley", - after jim Bexley Speed.
- Your second son? - What about your first son? - Jim! After jim Bexley Speed.
It wasn't you Rimmer saw in the Drive Room, it was Bexley.
Rimmer, you saw me son die! Never mind this tott! What about me, old man? What happens to me? Do I become an officer? I'm to have two sons! Fantastic.
- But one dies.
- Everybody dies.
You're born, you die.
The middle bit is "life", and that's still to come.
Get your camera.
You haven't much time.
Get your camera and run to the medical unit.
Run! What about me? What happens? He can't hear us, he's from the future.
Ah, if I ask you now, you can remember it, and when you're him, and you can tell me.
Boss thinking! Rimmer, you wanted to know what happened to you.
- Come closer, come closer still.
- Yes.
Yes.
- Heh, heh, heh.
- You goit.
No, you goit.
I'm surrounded by goits.
Holly, you're a goit.
- I'm a what? - You heard! What's happening, Hol? Are we going to see my funeral? The faster we go, the more into the future the future echoes are.
And now, since we've started to slow down, the future echoes are nearer to the present.
Clear? - No.
- Tough.
Wait a minute.
I don't understand how you're supposed to get two sons, - without a woman on the ship.
- Neither do I.
It'll be a laugh finding out.
I can't see you, but I know you can see me.
I'd like you to meet your two sons.
This is jim and this is Bexley.
Stop crying and say "cheese", boys.
# It's cold outside There's no kind of atmosphere.
# I'm all alone, more or less # Let me fly, far away from here # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun # I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose # Drinking fresh mango juice # Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun #