Red Dwarf Episode Scripts

N/A - Me²

(DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC) This is an SOS distress call from the mining ship Red Dwarf.
The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak.
The only survivors were Dave Lister, who was in suspended animation, and his pregnant cat, who was safely sealed in the hold.
Revived three million years later, Lister's only companions are a life form who evolved from his cat and Arnold Rimmer, a hologram simulation of one of the dead crew.
We've enough food to last 30,000 years, but there's only one After Eight mint left, and everyone's too polite to take it.
Let's see"Astronavigation and Engineering Structure Made Simple".
That's Rimmer's.
Ah-ha! "The Pop-Up Kama Sutra.
"Zero Gravity Edition.
" That's mine.
"Arnold j Rimmer - A Tribute.
" What's this? - It's a video of my death.
- You videoed your death? - Holly did it for me.
- You're strange, Rimmer.
Why? You have videos of weddings and births.
So, you have people around and invite them to watch you snuff it? My death is one of the most important things that ever happened to me.
- Weird! - What about these posters? - They're mine.
- But the Blu-Tack is mine.
- You want the Blu-Tack? - It is mine.
I paid for it.
There's one of your old toenail clippings under the bed.
This is the best decision I ever made.
No more of your stupid face.
- No more of your stupid habits.
- Me? What did I do? You hummed.
Maliciously and persistently for two years.
Every time I sat down to revise (HUMS ANN0YINGLY) Are you saying you never became an officer because I hummed? - Everything you ever did held me back.
- Like what? Like using my mother's photograph as an ashtray.
I didn't know! I thought it was a souvenir from Titan Zoo.
Exchanging the symbols on my revision timetable, so instead of taking Engineering finals, I went swimming.
The symbols fell off.
I thought I put them back right.
Swapping my toothpaste for a tube of contraceptive jelly.
Come on! That was a joke.
Yes, Lister, like putting my name on the waiting list for experimental pile surgery.
It's not all one-way, Rimmer.
- You're hardly Mr Easy-To-Live-With.
- What are you talking about? You playing your self-hypnosis tapes all night.
"Learn Esperanto While You Sleep.
" "Learn Quantum Theory While You Sleep.
" - We both got the same benefit.
- Yeah, neither of us slept.
You tied me hair to the bedpost, then sounded the fire alarm! I was sick of you annoying me.
I don't have to explain.
I nearly needed brain surgery! What brains? The point is, you've always stopped me being successful.
Rimmer, you can't blame me for your lousy life.
- 0h, yes, I can.
- It's always the same.
You never had the right pens.
Your dividers don't stretch far enough.
- Well, they don't! - See? You can't say, "I buggered up my life.
It's all Lister's fault!" Well, I'm not, am I? I'm moving out.
- What? Next door? - It's not the place, it's the company.
I'm sharing with someone who'll give me encouragement and understanding, the thrust and parry of meaningful conversation.
- Everything tickety-boo? - Absolutement, Mr Rimmer.
I'll be along lickety-split.
Carry on! What a guy! Why didn't I think of this before? Another me.
Yeah, yeah Shall I take this through? Be careful with that.
It's an antique.
It's absolutely priceless.
"Absolutement", "tickety-boo", "lickety-split" God, meaningful conversation! "Second Technician Arnold j Rimmer and Second Technician Arnold j Rimmer.
" (SIGHS) Be careful with that.
It's an antique.
It's absolutely priceless.
- Gosh, I just said that! - Did you? That's incredible! What a lovely story! Why have you got "No smoking" signs? Neither of you smoke.
Because they're our signs and we happen to think they look rather striking.
Whoa-ho-ho! What's all this? "Arnold's Tops With Us", "Arnie Does It Best" This is very funny stuff.
- Just go.
- Because your name's Arnold Rimmer, and even though these headlines are about other people, you've put them on the wall, so people think they're about you? - Shoo! Go on, out! - This'll keep me laughing all winter! We don't have to put up with your snidey remarks, your socks that set off the sprinkler system.
- Vacate our new quarters.
- Bye-bye, Rimmer.
No, sorry Bye-bye, bye-bye, Rimmer, Rimmer.
(B0TH) Goit.
Aow! Hey! I'm looking so good today! If I looked any better, I'd be illegal! Hello, hello! Testing, testing! Attention, all lady cats.
I am feeling very, very sexy! Can you hear me, lady cats? My body is available! Please form a queue! No squabbling! This is your lucky day! (HUMS) Ecstasy! (SINGS TUNELESSLY) We're talking mega-ecstasy bliss! I can hum as loud as I like, as long as I like.
I'm a free man.
And you see those socks? See 'em? They're going right where they belong, all over the floor, where any self-respecting bachelor would keep 'em.
I can have the bottom bunk, the big bunk.
I'm gonna leave the top off the shampoo.
I'm going to squeeze the toothpaste right from the middle.
In fact, I'm gonna do all the things that drove him bonkers! I'm gonna crack me knuckles.
I'm gonna grind me teeth.
I'm gonna live for a change! (LAUGHS MADLY) (SNIFFS) 0oh, smeggin' hell! What's this? Video of Rimmer's death? Holly, get us some popcorn and put the video on, would you? Well, I can just about manage that, I suppose.
"BSc", "SSc"? What's that? Bronze Swimming certificate and Silver Swimming certificate.
He's a total lunatic.
Hello.
This video pays homage to a man who fell short of greatness by a gnat's wing.
Before we see a digitalised recording of his final moments, there'll be a lengthy tribute, interspersed with poetry read by me.
Whoa! Spin on! Poetry in motion.
and if it hadn't been for those people who kept dragging him down, pulling him back Spin on! if you put Napoleon in quarters with Lister, he'd be in Corsica peeling spuds.
Spin on! we see the final moments of Arnold j Rimmer.
Yes! It was your job to fix it, Rimmer! You can't do sloppy work.
I know, sir, and I accept full responsibility for any consequences.
Emergency.
There's an emergency going on.
Will Arnold Rimmer please hurry to White Corridor 159? Gazpacho soup! (LISTER) 0ff.
Gazpacho soup? Why were his last words "gazpacho soup"? Attention, lady cats! Sensual emergency! Good lovin' needed bad! Aow! Hey, no girls here? What a waste of a good move! Shame.
I'm looking so dangerous, too! Aow! Yeah, yeah! Cat, what are you doing? I'm courting.
Courting who? - Whoever shows up.
- I told you before, there's no other cats on board.
If I believed that for one minute, I'd go crazy! Aow! Yeah, yeah! (RIMMER) Up, up, up! Stretch, stretch, stretch! - Stretch further! - And rest.
- No! Keep jumping! - Absolutely.
Through the pain barrier.
- Jump, jump, jump! - And rest.
- What are you doing?! - It's going all grey! - That's the pain barrier! Beat it! - You're absolutely right.
- And rest.
- Brilliant! That extra little bit.
- What time do we get up? - Early.
8.
30.
- No, earlier.
7.
00.
- How about 6.
00? - No, 4.
30.
- That's the middle of the night! You wanted driving.
I'm driving you.
Holly, alarm call, 4.
30 am.
Make it the extra loud one.
Yes, Arnold.
And Arnold.
- What are you doing, Arnold? - I'm going to bed, Arnold.
It's 2 am.
We can get in some revision.
I'm getting up in a minute.
You take Porous Circuits and Esperanto.
I'll take Thermal Energy and Philosophy.
- Fantastic! I'm in heaven! - Better than sex.
It's 4.
30.
Here is your early morning alarm call.
(F0GH0RN, BELLS AND SIRENS S0UND) (RIMMER) 0ff! 0ff! 0ff! That's it.
Smooth and even.
Up and down.
Ah, Lister.
Bonan matenon.
Didn't wake you, I trust? No, I haven't been to bed yet.
But it's 5.
05 am.
It's practically lunchtime.
What are you doing? It's called work, Lister.
W-0-R-K.
It is in the dictionary.
Come on, paint! Paint! Why is it the same colour as before? They're changing it from ocean grey to military grey.
- Looks exactly the same to me.
- No, no, no, no That's the new military grey bit there and that's the dowdy old ocean grey there.
It doesn't matter.
It's very nice.
So, how's Mrs Rimmer? Tee-hee Get into your cesspit or you won't have the energy for a day's slob.
I just wondered what you talked about and that.
Millions of things, Lister.
Apart from being a genius, he's a total delight.
- He keeps me in stitches.
- He knows everything you know, and vice versa, so what do you talk about? We reminisce, chew over old times, past glories old girlfriends.
- 0h, you mean Yvonne McGruder? - Don't say it as if she's the only one.
Name one other girlfriend, then.
Lister, I'm far, far too much of a gentleman to stoop to that shower-room mentality.
All you need to know about Yvonne McGruder is I gave her one.
Fine, Rimmer.
Very nice.
Very, very nice.
So, um what's gazpacho soup? - What? - They were your last words.
Why? You've been watching my death video.
That's private! It's for my enjoyment only! It just seems a strange thing to say, "Gazpacho soup.
" I didn't have time to bash out a speech in iambic pentameter.
I was hit by an atomic explosion.
But why "gazpacho soup"? That is something you will never know.
Arnold, you asked me to remind you about your Esperanto revision.
Thank you, Holly.
You two, carry on.
"A to Z of Red Dwarf.
" (CACKLES) I thought so! "My Diary", by Arnold j Rimmer.
January 1st: "I have decided to keep a journal of the coming year, "a daily chart of my progress through the echelons of command, "so that one day, other aspiring officers "may seek enlightenment in these pages.
"0ne day, this journal may take its place "alongside Napoleon's war diaries and the memories of julius Caesar.
" Next entry july 17th: "Auntie Maggie's Birthday.
" November 25th: "Gazpacho soup day.
" That's six weeks before the crew got wiped out.
He won't find that one.
Not until he changes his boots.
Could you spot him in a parade? I don't think so.
I could've been anybody.
Ten and three-quarter centimetres! Plus five for not breaking, and that is a big, big score! The Browns have to do something quite sensational.
Quiet, please.
- Busy, Dave? - (CH0KES) Well, yeah, I am, actually.
Then you won't care about the super-lightspeed fighters tracking us.
What?! - I'll leave you to your bubble blowing.
- No, come on.
- They're from Earth.
- That's three million years away.
They're from the Norweb Federation.
- What's that? - The North Western Electricity Board.
- They want you, Dave.
- Me? Why? What for? - For your crimes against humanity.
- You what?! When you left Earth, you left two half-eaten sausages in your kitchen.
- Did I? - Do you know what happens to sausages - after three million years? - Yeah, they go mouldy.
Your sausages, Dave, now cover seven-eighths of the Earth's surface.
Also, you left L17.
50 in your bank account.
Thanks to interest, you own 98% of the world's wealth.
After three million years, nobody's got any money except for you and Norweb.
Why Norweb? You left a light on in the bathroom.
I've got a final demand here for L180 billion.
L180 billion?! You're kidding?! April Fool.
But it's not April.
Yeah, but I couldn't wait six months with a red-hot jape like that.
So, you just made it up, then? Yeah.
Bit of excitement for a while, wasn't it? You can't beat a good wheeze.
I don't need a wheeze.
I can do it myself.
You haven't got a clue.
You're useless.
- Shh! What's that? - (RIMMER) I make you vomit? (RIMMER 2) Keep your voice down! - I'm not gonna take this abuse.
- 0h, yes! When the going gets tough, the tough cry in the corner.
You've got a sponge for a backbone! No wonder father hated you! That's a lie! Lie, lie, lie! - Why didn't he send you to the academy? - He couldn't afford it! You're a filthy, smegging, lying, smegging liar! Nobody likes you! Not even Mummy! Mummy did like me! Mummy was just busy.
- She had a lot of meetings to go to.
- Twaddle! You better watch what you say about my mummy! - Mister what? - I said Mr Gaz-pa-cho, deafie! - That is the most hurtful thing - Good! (RIMMER) That is the last straw.
You're finished, Rimmer.
(RIMMER 2) No, you're finished, Rimmer! Ah, Lister How are you? I'm tickety-boo.
What do you want? I don't suppose you've got that Blu-Tack, have you? Rimmer, it's 3 am! It doesn't matter.
It can wait till morning.
I'm just gonna sleep here.
- Everything all right, is it? - Sure.
Absolutely.
Yeah, sure.
- No problems, then? - No.
No, no.
Things couldn't be hunky-dorier.
It's just I thought I heard, you know raised voices? It's quite an amusing thought, isn't it? Having a blazing row with yourself.
(RIMMER 2) Hit the wall! Go on! Hit the wall! Yeah! Yeah! (RIMMER 2) Shut up! I'm trying to sleep! but nothing with anything to it.
Nothing malicious.
(RIMMER 2) Shut up, you dead git! Excuse me a second, Lister, will you? Stop your foul whining, you filthy piece of distended rectum! Lister, there's no point in concealing it anymore.
Rimmer and me, we've had a bit of a tiff.
Nothing major but it goes without saying, it was his fault! (VOICEOVER) Miles from Earth? Deep in the Solar System and you fancy a curry? Why not drop in at the Titan TajMahal restaurant? Enjoy the finest Tandoori cuisine at one-fifth gravity.
Just a short space-walk from this cinema.
(CH0MPING) - Shut up! - Will you stop that? - I'm trying to watch! - I'm only eatin'! Eating's when food goes in your mouth! - Afternoon.
- Yeah.
- What's on? - "Citizen Kane.
" There's no smoking on this side.
You should be sitting over there.
- Nobody's complaining.
- Yes, they are.
I am.
So, kindly move to the smoking area for the convenience of other patrons.
I thought you hated films.
No.
I did a film course at night school.
"Citizen Kane", eh? That's 0rson Welles, is it? That's "Citizen Kane" all right.
Unmistakable.
Why are you here? Where's your wife? Don't ask me.
He's nothing to do with me.
Last I saw, he was changing the paint back to ocean grey.
He's quite mad! Lister.
Cat.
Excuse me.
I can't see.
Shh.
Excuse me, I can't see through your stupid, sticky-out-eared head.
- I'm trying to watch the film! - Yeah! - Move! - Look, I just chose a seat at random.
If you're unhappy, I suggest you move.
Right.
Now, where shall I sit? So many to choose from.
How about over there or over there? No, that's a nice seat! Look at this.
Mr Maturity.
Will you two guys just grow up? There's only one immature person around here, and we all know who.
(STUPID V0ICE) Hello.
What do you think of Arnold Rimmer? (BL0WS RASPBERRY) This can't go on.
0ne of you has gotta go.
(B0TH) Yes, him.
- It's clear which one has to go.
- Yes, you! I was here first.
I nursed Listie through those early, delicate days! We're exactly the same person.
Ippy-dippy, my spaceshippy, on a course so true Past Neptune and Pluto's moon, the one I choose is you.
- Excellent decision.
- The one you end on stays, yeah? - It's you.
- Wait a minute.
Hold your horses.
It's your own fault, Rimmer.
If you'd given me Kochanski's hologram, this wouldn't have happened.
Drive Room.
Ten minutes.
Drive Room.
Five minutes.
I don't believe it.
I've been ippy-dippied to death.
- I want you out.
- What have I said? Just out! There's precious little entertainment around here.
If you can't attend the odd execution, what have you got left? (SNEERS) Don't forget to write you great nancy! Lister.
Fancy a drink? I didn't know you had any medals! What are they? Three Years' Long Service, Six Years' Long Service, Nine Years' Long Service, Twelve Years' Long Service.
- Come on, just one drink.
- I'll have a whisky.
- Holly? - How would you like it? Straight with ice and lemonade, a cherry and a slice of lemon.
Another? And another.
And another.
Make it a double.
So, what's this gazpacho soup business? What's it all about? I suppose now I'm doomed, I can tell you.
Gazpacho soup.
It was the greatest night of my life.
I'd been invited to the Captain's table.
I'd only been with the company 14 years.
Six officers and me! They called me "Arnold".
We had gazpacho soup for starters.
I didn't know gazpacho soup was meant to be served cold.
I called over the chef and told him to take it away and bring it back hot.
He did! The looks on their faces still haunt me today! I thought they were laughing at the chef, when they were laughing at me as I ate my piping hot gazpacho soup! I never ate at the Captain's table again.
- That was the end of my career.
- Anyone could've done that.
If only they'd mentioned it in basic training! Instead of climbing up and down ropes and crawling through tunnels.
If only, just once, they'd said, "Gazpacho soup is served cold!" I could've been an admiral by now! Instead of a nothing, which is what I am, let's face it.
- 0h, you're not a nothing.
- He is.
- You're right! - I know I'm right.
I never got off the bottom rung.
And do you know why? Because I didn't have the right nobby parents.
I bet Todhunter was served gazpacho soup the moment he was on solids.
No, I bet he was breast-fed with it! dispensing chilled champagne! Is this gonna go on all day? I thought he was gettin' wiped! Yes, go on.
Turn me off.
Get rid of me.
I've already done it.
I wiped the other one.
What?! You wiped When?! - Just before you came in.
- And you let me bare my soul? Yeah! I wanted to know about gazpacho soup.
I knew you wouldn't tell me.
my life a hell with gazpacho soup jokes.
Rimmer.
I promise, I swear I will never, ever mention this conversation again.
And when I swear, I mean it.
- You promise? - I promise.
Do you swear absolutely? I swear absolutely that I will never mention gazpacho soup again! All right You're a bit of a slob, but you keep your word.
This time I'm gonna believe you.
Let's go for another drink.
Souper! # It's cold outside There's no kind of atmosphere # I'm all alone, more or less # Let me fly far away from here # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun # I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose # Drinking fresh mango juice # Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun #