Red Dwarf Episode Scripts

N/A - Queeg

(DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC) Three million years from Earth, the mining ship Red Dwarf, Its crew; Dave Lister, the last human being alive; Arnold Rimmer, a hologram of his dead bunkmate; and a creature who evolved from the ship's cat, Message ends, Additional, Our biggest enemy is going space-crazy through loneliness, The only thing that helps me maintain my grip on reality is the friendship I share with my singing potatoes, Ni neteen.
"When you are alone i n bed, what do you wear? "Is it: A, nothing at all; "B, a flannelette nightie; "or C, a sexy black negligee?" C.
"Do you think your boobs are A, too small; "B, just right; or C, too large?" Definitely too large! So, what's my rating? "Mainly Cs.
You sure are one foxy lady.
"Sexy, sensual and don't mind showing it.
" Yes! I'm a sex beast! (CAT WAILS TUNELESSLY) Do you mind?! - What? - I'm trying to concentrate.
- (WAILS) I can't hear you.
- What are you listening to? It's hot, man.
(WAILS) "Robert Hardy reads Tess Of The D'Urbervilles"?! Let's have a listen.
(BOTH WAIL TUNELESSLY) The tape must have got twisted, man! This is really good! (SHOUTS) Excuse me! I'm in the middle of a tactical calculation, which could swing the game.
- Rimmer, you've lost, man.
- There's plenty of play.
- There's one move, then he zaps you.
- Admittedly, that is how it looks.
But you're not taking into consideration that El Skutto here has to go back on duty in four minutes, 31 seconds, and if he goes before the game finishes, I win by default.
Four minutes, 15.
(CHANTS) Rimmer! Rimmer! You're a piece of dirty, filthy, cheating scum, aren't you? Absolutement! That's why I'll win, because I think my way round problems, rather than sticking to the pre-programmed lines.
That's why men are better than machines.
Oh, I don't know.
I had this geography teacher, Miss Foster.
She took us camping to Deganwy.
I had the tent next to hers, right? In the night, I was woken up by this really weird noise.
SHE didn't think men were better than machines.
- What's happening, then, dudes? - Bog all.
- I forgot what I was going to say, - It can't be important, then.
(THUNDEROUS CRASH) That's it, "Look out, a meteor is about to hit the ship, " - I knew it would come back to me, - Thanks! - Sorry, - What's wrong with you, Holly? - He's computer-senile.
- Is there any damage? I don't know, The damage report machine's damaged, - Where did it hit? - All my monitors are out, Round about floor 591, I think, You're as much use as a condom machine in the Vatican.
Nothing here.
Let's try 592.
Er Has anybody seen my legs? They're not below my waist where I normally keep them.
- Holly, where are Rimmer's legs? - Here they are right here! - Stop them! - C'mon, leggies.
Over here.
Of course, 592, That's where the hologram simulation suite is, - What does this mean? - It's probably not serious, If it's not serious when your genitals wander off on their own, what is? Wait for me-me-me-me-me-me! Here it is, 592, Rimmer, are you all right? (ODD HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Well, you see, the shuttle was late.
And they're usually so good.
They're so good.
They're brilliant.
What's happened to him? - He's Brannigan, ship's psychiatrist.
- We'd better get him fixed, (ALARM BEEPS) I've got it in hand, No panic, (AS HOLLY) No panic everyone.
I've got it in hand.
(HOLL Y) Just override the charred relays, - Just override the charred relays.
- How do you do that? - (AS LISTER) How do you do that? - Bypass the main circuit, (AS HOLLY) Bypass the main circuit.
- This one? - (AS LISTER) This one? - Yeah, that one, - Yeah, that one.
- Now press the bypass, - Now press the bypass.
(YELPS) That was horrible.
I never want to go through that again! Aow! Aow! Hey! Now he's me! Stick the red plug in the blue socket, (RIMMER YELPS) - Am I OK now? - (HOLL Y) Yeah, Shouldn't this plug into something? Oh, yeah, that joins up with the white cable, (CRACKLING, LISTER YELLS) ,,or is it the yellow cable? Yes, it should have been yellow, You are a total, total a word has yet to be invented to describe you, but you are one, and a total one at that.
Keep your hair on, - I'm lucky to keep my legs on.
- He's out to lunch.
He's out to lunch, breakfast, dinner, the lot! He's not in for a single meal.
- Hey, who's that? - Aliens! - Queeg! - Who's Queeg? I'm Queeg 500, the back-up computer, All vessels of the Jupiter Mining Corporation fleet carry a back-up computer to replace the primary computer if the primary computer contravenes Article 5, I am therefore assuming control, This is mutiny, Mr Queeg, You'll swing from the highest yardarm in Titan Docking Port for this, What's Article 5? Gross negligence, leading to the endangerment of personnel, - But Holly has an IQ of 6,000! - (HOLL Y) Right on, - Is that what he told you? - Well, what is it? It has a six in it, but it's not 6,000, - What is it? - Six, Six? Do me a lemon! That's a poor IQ for a glass of water! How come he knows all about science and space when we ask him? - He consults a book, - What a slimeball! He gets all his information on science from a single book, - What book? - Junior Encyclopaedia Of Space, It's the only one he could find with pictures, That's slander, that is, You'd better find a good lawyer, guy, - That's why he's never on the case! - I am on the case, I'm sharp, I'm kicking bottom, How come he can navigate us back to Earth? He can 't, You've been going around in circles for 14 months, - You what? - A load of Tottenham, that is, A steaming pile of Hotspur, I'm on to his game, He's turning you against me, so he can take over, No discussions, The decision has been made, You've been bypassed, You've been retired, - I'm in my prime! - You'll be nightwatchman, From now on, Red Dwarf is run by Queeg 500, Queeg to all personnel, Course redirection implemented, New bearing 057-776, Message ends, Ah, Lister, this is a bit different, isn't it? See those skutters, charging up and down the corridor, repairing, sweeping? The lifts are fixed.
The fire extinguishers work.
And I mean they work when you turn them on, as opposed to when you happen to pass them and cough.
Yeah, I suppose.
There's no point feeling sorry about Holly.
It's a kindness.
He's like an old incontinent sheepdog who's had his day.
Take him out to the barn with a shotgun and blow the mother away.
I'm only saying that because I'm fond of him.
- How do you think Holly feels? - He doesn't feel anything.
He's a computer.
He still feels.
Sometimes I think it's cruel giving machines a personality.
My mate bought a pair of shoes with artificial intelligence.
Smart Shoes, they were called.
No matter how blind drunk you were, they could always get you home.
He got ratted one night in Oslo, and woke up the next morning in Burma.
See, the shoes got bored.
They wanted to see the world.
He couldn't get rid of them.
Whenever he sold them, they'd show up again the next day and kick the door down.
- Is this true? - Yeah.
Last thing he heard, they'd robbed a car and driven into a canal.
- They couldn't steer.
- Really? Yeah.
Petersen was blown away about by it.
He went to see a priest.
He said that the shoes had gone to heaven.
It turns out shoes have "souls".
Well, what a sad, sad story.
Wait a minute How did they open the car door? (ALARM) Off! Uh, Queeg? Why has my alarm clock gone off at six o'clock? That's the time you asked for, Holly and I had this little understanding.
I'd say, "Wake me up at six without fail," then Holly would pretend to forget, and wake me around ten with breakfast.
OK? (ALARM SOUNDS) Off! Queeg, I can see we've already cultivated a special understanding - I scratch your back and you stick a knife in mine.
- Give me a uniform.
- Exercises first, Ah, yes.
Now once again, Holly and I had this understanding (QUEEG) Move it, boy! What are you doing?! I'm putting you through the regulation 500 jerks, - Stop it.
- Then it's a three-mile run, You just can't take control of my body! The company pays for your hologramatic survival, In space, I AM the company, - Lister, wake up! Help! - What's going on? Queeg! He's making me fit! What are you doing?! My stomach won't take it! It's too flabby! - One! - Mummy! - Two! Three! - Mercy! Help me! - Four! - Holly and I had an understanding! Yes! Fight that flab! I want my body back! Three more hours will kill me! I'm going to faint! I said food! Is anybody home? What's the matter with him? He fainted after the first 500 yards, - You made him jog unconscious? - It's regulations, Yes! Nice one, Queeg! Right, 0700, Time for astronavigation revision, I'd better wake him, (SLAPPING SOUND) Revise and learn pages 25 to 59, You will then be tested, If you fail, tomorrow you do five miles, I am now returning control of your body, (MUTTERS) Hey, I can't get any food! - Try a different machine.
- I did.
"You have run out of credits.
" - They've all gone crazy! - Queeg, what's happened? Article 497, When a crewmember runs out of credit, food may not be supplied until the balance is restored, Nah.
Listen, me and Holly, we had this little understanding - If you want food, you have to work, - Work?! You'd better start.
I'm one hungry pussycat.
- Both ofyou, - Whoa! I don't do the "W" word.
Cats do NOT work! I've got a note from my mommy.
- From now on, EVERYBODY works! - Not this pussy! I can't believe I'm doing this! Look at me! I'm disgusting! I'm like you in your best clothes! Look, it's easy.
Just imagine the floor is Queeg's face.
(BOTH SPIT) Aw, look at my hands! I had lovely hands! - Well, wear the smegging gloves! - Marigolds with blue? Are you crazy? - How long do we have to do this? - It's only been ten minutes.
- We've got to do it all day.
- What?! All day? The whole day? I'm a cat.
If I don't nap, I don't have enough energy for my main snooze.
Halt! Who goes there? Friend or foe? - Holly! - How you doin'? Let me wipe your screen.
- So, how's it going? - What you been up to, man? Oh, this nightwatchman lark keeps me busy, Shining me torch down corridors, Turning it off, Shining it again, Life's pretty full, - Help us, Hol.
- Queeg has got to go! Look at my cuticles.
He's a maniac.
(BREATHLESS) I agree! He's got us working for food.
Well, no doubt he knows what he's doing, unlike certain senile wrecks of computers we could mention, Still, it was nice how everyone defended me, - Different story now, - I defended you.
I remember, Queeg says I've got an IQ of six, and you leap to my defence, saying, "Really? That explains everything!" - No.
That was Ri mmer! - Nevertheless, certain characters don 't believe my IQ is 6,000, - I believe you.
- I could prove it, - There's no need.
- I want to, OK, what's the square root of 2,049? - Oh, you want me to prove it? - No, no.
Clearly doing the square root of 2,049 will prove I have an IQ of 6,000, - What is it? - You wouldn 't prefer a sports question? - Forget it.
It's not important.
- It is to me, I want to clear my name, Well, what is the square root of 2,049? - How about a space question? - Like what? Like, "What's the nearest planet to the sun?" - What's the nearest planet to the sun? - Easy-peasy, That's right down my particular field of expertise, Your nearest basic planet to your actual sun is,,, Mercury, - That's right.
- Ye of little faith, - Well, I 'm convi nced.
- Me, too.
Can we get rid of Queeg? Do you believe I'm the right dude for the gig? - Yeah.
- I'll be in touch, (WHISTLES GREAT ESCAPE THEME) He's taking the smeg! - Who is? - Queeg.
Look at what he's given me.
A pea on toast.
One pea.
I tell you, I'm that far from cracking.
I've lost me pea! Oh, that's it! I've cracked.
He's just doing this to destroy your morale.
Is he? Well, I want me pea back.
I earned that pea! Where is it? I don't care if it's under the bed with me toenail clippings, I earned it.
I'm going to eat it, no matter what.
It flew into your dirty sock basket.
I'll just have the toast.
- Why didn't we stick up for Holly? - I did.
You did?! When? - All right, I didn't.
- Nobody did.
It's terrible.
We thought we'd get something better.
What about trust? What about fidelity? What about simple, basic, honest friendship? Friendship? Do you know how many people I can count as true friends? Well, if you count Inflatable Ingrid, your Polythene Pal, one.
I'll tell you.
I got burned once and I learned my lesson.
Don't trust anybody.
There was this one lad, Porky Roebuck.
I'd known him ten years.
We were almost family.
His dad was knocking off my mum, that's how close we were.
- We were in the Space Scouts together.
- Space Scouts? Oh, yes Pinkle! Squirmy! Blip-blap-blap! We were 15 years old.
We went on this survival course, sleeping rough, surviving on wild berries and rainwater.
- Where did you go? Butlins? - We each got a Swiss Army knife.
You only ate what you killed yourself.
Ten boys got together and decided to eat me.
They tied me to a stake, lit a fire and poured barbecue sauce all over me.
I remember thinking as I went round and round, "Porky will save me.
He's my best friend.
" It turned out Porky was the ringleader and had bagsied my right buttock.
If it wasn't for the Space Mistress, they really would have eaten me.
Oh, come on.
They were only bullying you.
You know what kids are like.
The point is, friends are only friends when it suits them.
Oh Lights.
- Lister? - Yeah? How did you know about Inflatable Ingrid? I've been seeing her behind your back.
- Compute, - Compute.
The product of the correlation of vx/dy minus the sum of the set v1 over the sum of r, given that r is a ratio of p over s and s is an integer variable, - Just one small question - Yes? What does "compute" mean? Just do it! And you two, stop shirking and get working! # Do not forsake me, oh, my love # I only know I must be brave # For I must face the man who hates me # Or I will cower in my grave # Queeg, I want my ship back, - Too bad, - You'll have to fight for her, Hol, this man's a nutter.
- I challenge you to the game ofyour choice, - Oh, my God.
- The winner gets command of Red Dwarf, - And the loser? The loser will be erased, terminated, oblivionised, - Bye- bye, baldy.
- Name your game, - Chess, - Any game, - Chess, - Draughts, poker,,,anything, - Chess, - Subbuteo, snakes and ladders,,, - Chess, - Monopoly, maybe? - Chess! - Like chess, do you? Transfer me to the monitor, Don't do this.
You'll get rubbed.
A computer's gotta do what a computer's gotta do, Let battle commence, - Pawn to King 4, - Horsie to King Bish 3, It's called a knight, actually, Holly.
- Knight to King Bishop 3, - Queen to Rook *, Checkmate, - That's an illegal move, - Oh, sorry, I was thinking of poker, Cluedo? You can be Colonel Mustard, Psst! If it's any help, I 've been studyi ng his tactics and there's a pattern - every time you make a move, he makes one, too.
Thanks, Cat.
Pawn to King 4, Knight to King Bish 3, - Bishop to Knight 5, - Horsie takes King prawn, - Pawn to Queen 5, - Horsie to Bish 3, - Bishop,,, -,, to Queen 3, -,, takes pawn, - Prawn to King 4, (HOLL Y) Horsie to Bish 3, - Prawn takes Horsie, - Bishop-pawn takes pawn, - Bish takes prawn, - Bishop to Knight 5, Double check and mate, sucker! - Oh, yeah, I didn 't see that, - Holly, what have you done? - He's lost.
- And the loser gets erased, Noughts and crosses? What kind of plan was that? A stupid plan, that's what it was.
- Why didn't we stop him? - We thought he had something up his sleeve.
Now we've got Queeg forever, and that's a long time.
- Well, dudes, I've come to say goodbye, - You're definitely getting rubbed? - 'Fraid so, - Life'll be hell! Well, see you, Dave, - Hope it works out with Kochanski, - Cheers, Hol.
See you, Cat, I hope you fulfil your heart's desire and get your end away, Thanks, man.
And Arnold,,, I hope you meet those aliens and get a body, get a sex life and all the rest you feel you need, Thanks, Hol.
Well, I hate long goodbyes, Perhaps next time you're down the disco, you'll raise a glass to old Holly and think, "Things weren 't too bad with him, "Perhaps not the most efficient computer, but we had a giggle, " - Oh, one last thing,,, 45,265**1, - What? That's the square root of 2,049, I may not be fast, but I get there, Well, as they always say, finish on a song, # I'll say goodbye to love # No one ever cared if I should live or die # Time and time again the chance for love has passed me by,,, # OK, suckers, get this into your stupid thick heads, - I've got one thing to say, - What? What's happening, dudes? We are talking Jape of the Decade, We are talking April, May, June, July and August Fool, Yes, that's right, I am Queeg, (ALL) What?! Queeg never existed, It was me all along, - (ALL) WHAT?! - Wheeze of the week, mate, - It was a joke?! - Going in circles for 14 months! Getting information from the Junior Encyclopaedia of Space! Your respect for me is awesome, You mean you staged the whole thi ng? (QUEEG'S VOICE) That's right, suckers! (NORMAL VOICE) The moral is appreciate what you've got, because basically, I'm fantastic! # It's cold outside # There's no kind of atmosphere # I 'm all alone, more or less # Let me fly far away from here # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun # I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose # Drinking fresh mango juice # Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun #