Red Dwarf Episode Scripts

N/A - D.N.A.

Stand by.
She's coming round.
There's something out there, man.
We're clamping on.
(ALL CHATTER) - Visual down! Radar down! - We've lost the entire desk! (WHIRRING) - What are you all staring for? - You've just unplugged the console.
I'm blow-drying my hair.
- We're tracking a UFO.
- Oh, you're tracking a UFO, so I have to look like the Bride of Frankenstein? - Use another socket.
- This is beyond belief.
A spaceship five miles long without enough plug sockets! There's plenty of plug sockets, Cat.
They're all taken up with your beauty aids.
Use a wall socket.
What?! Unplug my hot wax strip unsightly hair remover?! Yes.
Unplug your hot wax strip unsightly hair remover.
I don't believe this.
We finally encounter an alien species, and I meet them with a wavery bikini line! It's back, bearing zero-niner-zero.
Adjust 1% portside.
All right.
I'll use gel.
Everybody happy? Stabilise pitch.
Reduce correctives - (LISTER) What is it? - I have no idea.
The craft does not appear to be of Earth construction.
They're probably going to return Glenn Miller.
- What? - That's what they do.
People who inexplicably vanish, they return them.
Ah, smeg! That's all we need.
Glenn Miller boring us with "Pennsylvania 6-5000".
Kryten, open communication channels.
(RIMMER) We don't want him! Go away! You took him, You can keep the smegger! How deliciously bizarre.
The hall's molecular structure conforms to no known element.
Whoever or whatever made this thing had access to a technology far ahead of our own.
- OK, let's split up.
- Why? Why split up? - We'll can search quicker.
- What's the hurry? Have you got a major luncheon appointment? - What's your problem? - I'm not going with him.
- Me? What's wrong with me? - You're totally egocentric, you flee at the first sign of trouble, you're vain, selfish and self-obsessed.
You just listed my best features.
- I'm going with Kryten.
- Come on, Cat.
Kryten, take point.
I've seen those movies.
The guy in the lead always buys it first.
Well, in my experience, the fellow bringing up the rear gets picked off first, so the others aren't aware they're under attack.
You're right.
Can you take the front and the back, so I'm in the middle? I'll do my best, sir.
- Go, Kryten.
- We've found something, sir, - Yeah? - I think it's one of the crew, A hideously malformed triple-headed skeleton with putrefied flesh hanging from it, It fell through Rimmer as we opened the lift door, - Is he all right? - He's discovered what shirt tails are for, (RIMMER) All right, Don 't make me sound like a complete cowardly git, I'm fine now, (KRYTEN) Shall I cancel the order to find your mother? - (RIMMER) Is that thing still on? - Hey, look at this.
- Don't.
We don't know what it does.
- I 'm just looking.
Cheers, man! Brilliant! I'm trapped! - Get me out of this thing.
- Be cool.
I'm on the case.
I remember the sequence.
It was red-blue-yellow No, blue-yellow-red.
(GARBLED ELECTRONIC VOICE) What the smeg is that?! Curious, the skeletal form appears to be basically humanoid in structure.
He's got three heads.
Here's some kind of wallet.
The artefacts are human.
A pilot's licence, ID, even a video club card.
This guy belonged to a video club and needed a card so they'd recognise him?! He's got six eyes and three noses.
I'd remember him.
"Aren't you the bloke who came in last week, sneezed and caused a monsoon?" I think he started out as human and something happened that mutated him in this unspeakable way.
(COMPUTER) Language trace completed, Dialect English, colloquial, 23rd century, Do nothing.
Press nothing.
Just get Kryten! - Wait, I think I got it.
- Transmogrification sequence initiated, - Maybe not.
- Transmogrifi-what?! Gene sample accepted and cloned, Please key in new genetic structure, Do nothing.
Press nothing.
Get Kryten! Hey, you think I can't handle this? I have to get Novelty-Condom-Head to bail you out? I got you into this, I'll get you out.
- Get Kryten! - Relax, would you? I know what I'm doing.
New genetic structure accepted, Metamorphosis in ten seconds and counting, I got a good idea.
Why don't I get Kryten? Look, forget Kryten.
Just press the pads, any pads! Stop this! Sequence complete, (CLUCKS) Are you OK? We detected a massive power surge in this sector.
Where's Lister? - That's Lister?! - What can I say, exceptwhoops? - What is it? - Best guess? Some kind of DNA modifier, designed to alter organic life at its molecular level.
This explains our triple-headed friend.
- So what does it do? - Every cell in your body contains DNA, a series of genetic instructions for your body.
It's like a computer program that chooses the colour of your eyes, shape of your nose, designates sex, height, even your lifespan.
This machine rewrites the DNA program.
So this machine can transform any living thing into any other living thing? - Precisely.
- And it turned Lister into a chicken.
- So it seems.
- Question is, can we turn him back again? The question is, do we want to? Hypothetically, it shouldn't be too difficult to recall his original form.
We simply have to decode the keypad.
Listy? (CLUCKS) It's incredible.
It really is him.
Look, it's even got his little beer gut.
Hmm, seems a fairly straightforward hexadecimal layout.
Logically, this should be the recall sequence.
(KRYTEN) That's not it, is it? Let's start from the top.
What happened here, exactly? I was pressing the pads.
I definitely pressed the yellow one first.
And then this thing came down.
I'm pressing buttons, - then this voice said - Transmogrification sequence engaged, Right! So I press some more buttons, and then it says - Please key in new genetic structure, - That's it exactly! - Cat, stop! - No need to engage your panic chip, sir.
The machine only operates on organic life.
I am mineral and therefore immune.
New genetic structure accepted, Metamorphosis in ten seconds and counting, Oh.
Wait a minute.
My brain is part organic, and therefore it is possible for the machine to transmogrify my physical condition.
Engage panic circuits Panic circuits engaged.
(WAILS) (BLEEPING) - (RIMMER) Are you OK? - Yeah, I think so.
- What was it like being a hamster? - Better than being a chicken.
You've seen the size of an egg? You've seen a chicken's bum? That's what the clucking was about.
I was trying to say, "Give me a epidural!" Let's get Kryten back.
Press what you pressed for Lister.
My heavens.
I am human.
Yeah, but you lost your looks.
I'm human - my greatest dream come true, I can experience real feelings, I'm experiencing one now.
I'm in happiness mode.
I've never experienced anything like it before.
Except for that time I accidentally welded my groinal socket to a washing machine.
I'm alive! - How's he doing, Hol? - Physically, he's fine.
He's got the body of a perfectly normal - Is he all right? - He needs to adjust.
Everything's a bit new.
- Morning! - Greetings, fellow human.
Ah, breakfast, my very first meal.
Boiled chicken ovulations - delicious! - How you coping? Any problems? - Just one or two.
I've compiled a list, if you'll indulge me.
Now, then, my optical system doesn't appear to have a zoom function.
- No, human eyes don't have a zoom.
- How do you bring a small object into focus? Well, you just move your head closer to the object.
I see.
Move your head closerhmmto the object.
All right.
What about other optical effects, Iike split screen, slow motion, Quantel? - No.
We don't have them.
- You don't have them? Just the zoom.
No, that's fine.
That's great.
No, that's great.
Now, my nipples don't work.
In what way "don't work"? Well, when I was a mechanoid, the right nipple nut regulated body temperature, while the left was used mainly to pick up short-wave radio transmissions.
Now, no matter how hard I twiddle it, I can't seem to pick up Jazz FM.
- Human nipples don't do that, Kryt.
- I see.
Ah, recharging.
Now, I presume that humans recharge much the same way mechanoids do.
I have located what I presume is the recharging socket, but for some strange reason, it doesn't have the standard three-pin adaption.
Now, do I need some kind of adaptor, because the lead just keeps falling out? Kryten, we eat and sleep.
That's our way of recharging.
Hmm Ah, now, I wanted to talk to you about something.
Something I know we humans get a little embarrassed about.
It's a bit of a taboo subject, not the sort of thing we discuss in polite conversation.
Kryten, I'm an enlightened 23rd-century guy.
Spit it out, man.
Well, I want to talk to you about my penis.
Now, take a look at this.
And this.
Now, why do you suppose that happened? Wh-What were you thinking of at the time? Nothing in particular.
I was just flicking through an electrical appliance catalogue.
I came across the section on super de-luxe vacuum cleaners and suddenly my underpant elastic was catapulted across the medical bay.
You see, man, you're neither one thing or the other.
You shouldn't be getting erotic thoughts about electrical appliances.
It WAS a triple-bag easy-glide vac with turbo suction and a self-emptying dustbag.
Kryten, I don't care what model it was.
No vacuum cleaner should give a human being a double Polaroid.
- Do yourself a favour, man.
Change back.
- Back? Become one of those sappy, sad-act mechanoids again? This is my dream.
Man, this is a totally whacked-out idea.
It'll never work.
That DNA machine can do anything.
The hard part was finding one of my dead cells.
You really think you can clone yourself from your dandruff? Why not? Dandruff has DNA in it.
That machine has a clone facility.
But a man made from dandruff? It'll never work.
The first time you use medicated shampoo, you'll disappear.
I won't be made of dandruff.
My body will be recreated from the genetic pattern in it.
- How's Kryten? - Confused.
If he offers to show you his photo collection, my advice is decline politely.
I bet he can't believe his luck.
He's reached the pinnacle of evolution.
He's human.
What's so big about being human? Listy, don't knock it till you've tried it.
I just don't trust that machine.
I know it's old-fashioned, but I believe if God intended us to fly, he wouldn't have invented Spanish air traffic control.
That machine might be able to cure diseases, but you shouldn't use it to change you into what you're not.
Wasn't it Descartes who said, "I am what I am"? - No, it was Popeye the Sailor Man.
- Well, he was a hell of a philosopher.
I think what he was saying was stay true to what you are.
Oh, here we go.
Typical knee-jerk techno-fear reaction.
That machine is the greatest single technological advancement mankind ever made.
Greater than fire, greater than the wheel.
What about the dude with three heads? - Well, he abused it.
- Someone always does.
So you wouldn't use it? There's nothing about your bodies you'd like to improve? Me?! Are you serious? Most people leave their bodies to medical science.
I'm leaving mine to the Louvre, baby! I'm saying that being human sometimes isn't all it's cracked up to be.
If Kryten thinks it'll solve all his problems, he's in for a major disappointment.
(SNEEZES) A wonderful thing has happened.
We found this machine that's made me human.
- You're a human now? - That's right, Spare Head One.
Our wildest, most incredible dream has come true.
- What's it like? - It's indescribable, Spare Head Two.
True, I'm having a few problems coping with the human emotions, there's no zoom, the nipples don't work, and I could show you a snapshot that would make your eyes spin.
- That apart, it's all going well.
- What about us? - It was my turn to be main head next month.
- Obviously that's not possible.
Aren't you happy for me? I'm not second-class any more.
What about Spare Head Three? You can't just leave him.
He's got droid rot.
(YORKSHIRE ACCENT) I don't need no bugger to look after me! Me units may be shot to buggery, but I don't need sympathy from 'im! Well, I'll still visit.
I won't forget you.
- Where have you been for the past four days? - I've been busy.
Aye, busy swankin' round with his poncey new eight-valve heart, Ia-di-da-ing with all his fancy new human friends! Oh, what do you know about anything? Ooh, hark at 'im! Orderin' his own heads around.
I may be 30,000 years old, and me circuits may be bandy, but I'll tell you this for nowt - you came into this world a mechanoid, and a mechanoid you'll always be! I don't have to take this from you.
I'm a human.
Shut your stupid flat head! Kryten, I don't believe you just said that.
I don't even know why I came here.
I think you should leave now, Kryten.
There's nothing more to say.
Aye, sling your bloody hook! Go on! Clear off! And what about you, Spare Hand One? Greetings, fellow human.
"Fellow human.
" How hollow those words sound now.
What's eating you, man? I can't get the hang of these human emotions.
One moment I'm happy, the next I'm miserable.
I'm up and down more than a pair of kangaroos in the mating season.
Depression's there for a reason.
It's the mind's way of saying something's wrong.
What could be wrong? I've got everything I want.
- Oh, yeah? - No.
I've done the most terrible thing.
I've hurt my own kind, those closest to me.
I've been a complete Polaroid-head.
Yeah, well.
I did something similar once.
Sold out.
You sold out? Hmm.
Look, this is between me and you, OK, Kryten? I want to be a mechanoid again.
It's what I always have been, always will be.
And no bad thing.
Let's do it.
Kryten, a cartoon character called Popeye said a really profound thing.
- What did he say? - "I am what I am.
" Are you sure? I thought that was Descartes.
So did I, man.
It's so easy to get those two dudes mixed up.
- (LISTER) OK, Hol? - I've got it sussed.
- We should try it first.
- What with? - Well, anything organic.
- Hey, don't look at me.
- I'm not.
I'm looking at that container.
- Lister's curry?! It's organic.
If we can change a mutton vindaloo into a chicken vindaloo, we'll know it's safe for Kryten.
Nice idea, Goalpost-Head.
- Let's try it.
- I was enjoying that! (COMPUTER'S VOICE) Gene sample accepted and cloned, Metamorphosis in progress, (BUBBLING AND GURGLING) - What the smeg is it? - What have we created? (LISTER) It's the mutton vindaloo beast! Half man, half extra-hot Indian curry! OK.
You go.
I'll cover you.
- (OTHERS) Seriously?! - No! (ROARS) I don't believe I'm running away from a psychopathic curried man! - Is he still following us? - Can't you smell him? He's right behind us! - Kiss your ugly ass goodbye, beast! - (LISTER) Twice! (GUNFIRE) Go back to the DNA suite.
I've got an idea! Holly, I want the truth - can you make this machine work without any mistakes? Yeah.
I know what I did wrong.
It's a mistake any deranged, half-witted computer could've made.
- I can do it.
Give me a chance.
- That creature's virtually indestructible.
There's only one way to beat it.
Turn me into a superhuman.
Man plus.
Are you totally insane? You're letting that fruitbat of a computer diddle with your DNA? - Have you got a better plan? The chomp thing'll be through that door any minute now.
Let's do it.
(COMPUTER'S VOICE) Transmogrification sequence initiated, (GROWLS) Metamorphosis complete, (SQUEAKS) Did it work? - Kind of.
- What do you mean, "kind of"? I mean "kind of".
- (HOLLY) Well, getting better.
- What now? No time to change him back.
Let's scoot.
Come on, stumpy.
(SQUEAKS) Wait for me! I can't keep up! I'm knackered! (GROWLS) (ROARS IN PAIN) Of course.
The only thing that can kill a vindaloo.
Has anyone got a poppadom the size of Lake Michigan? This stuff's really good.
This guy's pure class.
# It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere # I'm all alone, more or less # Let me fly far away from here # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun # I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose # Drinking fresh mango juice # Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun #