Red Dwarf Episode Scripts

N/A - Holoship

("RED DWARF" THEME) (MAN) Oh, Marnie.
(WOMAN) Oh, my darling, don't.
This isn't a time for sadness, it's a time for joy, laughter.
Don't you see? Whatever this crazy old world throws at us now it doesn't matter.
(MAN) But we can never be together again.
(WOMAN) Oh, darling, you're wrong.
We'll always be together.
It's just we'll be apart.
Wasn't that just beautiful? Oh, well recommended, sir.
Do you think they get back together? - (SOBS) I don't know.
- Pardon? (SQUEAKS) I don't know! Wasn't it wonderful, the way he sacrificed everything for the woman he loved? I thought it was the worst pile of blubbery mush I've ever been compelled to endure.
It's an insult to my backside that it was forced to sit here growing carbuncles through such putrid adolescent slush.
- You didn't find it uplifting? - Not at all.
It was totally unbelievable.
Why give everything up if he'll never see her again? Because she loved him, and he could have that forever.
Right, sir? (SNIFFS) Personally, I thought it started well.
That stuff with the ducks was great.
When it went black and white, I fell asleep.
Sir, that was the cartoon before the main programme.
Hang on, chaps.
We've got a blip.
Quadrant 4, sector 492.
- I'm onto it, Holly.
- Those kind of films really irritate me.
Just not realistic.
There isn't a man in the universe who wouldn't have taken the job.
- Total baloney.
- You said that about "King of Kings".
Well, it's true.
A carpenter's son who learns tricks like that and doesn't go into show business? Do any of us believe that for a second? - He was the Son of God.
- And when he was carrying that cross, any normal bloke would mule-kick the guys on the left and right and be over that green hill and far away before you could say Pontius Pilate.
Why do I feel that you've missed the point? Whether you believe it or not, it's about a dude who sacrifices his life for love.
Not realistic.
As if! You've got no soul, man.
No soul.
- Sirs, you should take a look at this.
- Another vessel? Too small.
It may be a missile.
- Impact in 37 seconds.
- Plotting random evasion course.
What?! Am I the only sane one? Drop the defensive shields! A superlative suggestion, sir, with just two minor flaws.
One, we don't have any defensive shields, and two, we don't have any defensive shields.
Now, technically speaking, that's only one flaw, but it was such a big one, it was worth mentioning twice.
Good point.
Well made.
(WHOOSH) Rimmer, what are you doing? It's incredible! It's beautiful! It's not registering on any scale.
Mass, velocity, molecular structure - all the readings are zero.
Sir, I'm picking up some kind of energy emission.
They've taken Mr Rimmer! Quick! Let's get out of here before they bring him back! I hope we didn't startle you.
Nirvanah Crane.
You touched me.
I can touch.
- How is this possible? - This entire ship, its crew and everything on it is computer-generated.
- You're all holograms? Even the ship? - Salut.
- How big's the crew? - Just under 2,000.
All top-flight personnel.
- Hmm.
What a ship.
- (COMPUTER) Floor 3125.
Sports and sexual recreation.
- Sports and what? - Sex.
- Don't you have a sex deck on your ship? - No.
- What do you do when you want to have sex? - Well, we go for runs.
Watch gardening programmes on the ship's vid.
That's very bad for you.
Don't you feel tense or frustrated? Well, it's got worse these last ten years, I can't deny it.
It's quite different here.
It's a regulation to have sex at least twice a day.
It's a health rule.
That's more than some people manage in a lifetime! I mean sad, lonely people.
But what happens if you don't have a partner? If you don't have a partner? Well, some people - sad, lonely people - find that that people just aren't attracted to them that way.
I don't understand.
It's bad manners to refuse an offer of sexual coupling.
Well People have always complimented me on my good manners.
What a ship! We discarded the concept of "family" in the 25th century, when scientists proved that all hang-ups and neuroses are caused by parents.
- I knew it.
- Families are disastrous for mental health.
So are relationships.
These are outmoded concepts for us.
But surely people still fall in love? We have developed beyond love.
That is a short-term hormonal distraction which interferes with the pure pursuit of personal advancement.
We are holograms.
There is no risk of disease or pregnancy.
That is why in our society, we only believe in sex constant, guilt-free sex.
Poor Mr Rimmer.
I fear he is in great danger.
I'm trying to get them to handshake, but they're not responding.
Let's break out the laser cannons and give 'em both barrels.
An adroit suggestion, sir, with just two minor drawbacks OK! Forget it! There's nothing to shoot at.
Look - zero mass.
- Of course! A holoship.
- A holoship? The project was in its initial phase when I left the solar system.
Ships of no mass or volume, able to travel as super-light particles - tachyons - through wormholes and stargates, crewed by holograms of great genius and bravery.
And they've taken Rimmer? He should fit in just perfectly.
Now I understand why they didn't handshake.
Holocrews are legendarily arrogant.
They despise stupidity wherever they see it, and they see it everywhere.
Hang on, I'm getting another energy emission.
Binks to Enlightenment.
Have arrived on the derelict.
Confirm initial speculation.
There is absolutely nothing of any value or interest here.
It's an old Class 2 ship-to-surface vessel, the very model, in fact, that was withdrawn due to major design flaws.
Crew, three.
One Series 4000 mechanoid - almost burnt out.
Give it maybe three years.
Nothing of salvageable value.
Ah, Felis sapiens, bred from the domestic house cat and about half as smart.
No value in future study of this species.
What have we here? A human being, or a very close approximation.
Chronological age, mid-20s.
Physical age, 47.
Grossly overweight, unnecessarily ugly, otherwise would recommend it for the museum.
Apart from that of no value or interest.
Lister to Red Dwarf.
We have in our midst a complete smeg-pot.
Brains in the anal region.
Chin absent, presumed missing.
Genitalia small and inoffensive, of no value or interest.
Binks to Enlightenment.
Evidence of primitive humour.
The human has knowledge of irony, satire and imitation.
With patient tuition could maybe master simple tasks.
Lister to Red Dwarf.
Displays evidence of spoiling for a rumble.
Seems unable to grasp simple threats.
With careful pummelling, could possibly be sucking tomorrow's lunch through a straw.
Binks to Enlightenment.
The human is under the delusion that he is somehow able to bestow physical violence to a hologram.
Lister to Red Dwarf.
The intruder seems to be blissfully unaware that we have a rather sturdy holowhip in the munitions cabinet, and unless he wants his derriere minced like burger meat, he'd better be history in two seconds.
Binks to Enlightenment.
Recon mission complete, transmit.
With speed, Enlightenment.
Quickly, please! Captain, Mr Rimmer from the mining ship Red Dwarf.
Mr Rimmer.
Oh, my word.
An old Class 1 hologram.
I didn't realise you guys were still around.
Captain Hercule Platini, IQ 212.
Number One.
(RUSSIAN ACCENT) Commander Natalina Pushkin, IQ 201.
Commander Randy Navarro, IQ 194.
Second Technician Arnold Rimmer, IQ unknown.
- Captain, this is a magnificent ship.
- So it should be, Mr Rimmer.
After all, it was designed to carry the hologrammatic cream of the Space Corps.
Every crew member is top in his or her field.
This is a ship, Mr Rimmer, of superhumans.
Which is why I feel I could really belong here.
Are you serious? Everything I want in my life is on this ship.
I want to join you.
Mr Rimmer, you are not an officer.
Captain, I've been in effective command of Red Dwarf for four years.
I've guided that ragtail crew of whacked-out crazies and peaceniks through hell and back.
If I gave the order, those guys would crawl over broken glass with their flies unzipped.
So don't tell me I'm not an officer, just because in deep space, there's no academy to award me my pips.
- You've got to take me.
- Unfortunately, it's not that simple.
The Enlightenment has a full ship's complement.
The only way in is "Dead Man's Boots".
You'll have to challenge a crew member.
There are tests which tax the entire vista of your intellect.
Tests that probe every aspect of your mental capability.
Should you win, your opponent's run time would be terminated and their life-force would be used to generate you.
Who will be my opponent? Well, our computer will find the most stimulating match-up.
It has stochastic capabilities.
It predicts the future with only a 5% error margin, simply by extrapolating the most likely outcome of all known variables.
I am asking it for your best chance of success.
And here it is.
Your best shot is crew member 4172.
You have a 96% probability of failure.
Mr Rimmer, you have 24 hours to prepare.
Well, thank you, Commander, for a most fascinating afternoon.
It's been mostfascinating.
If you're not in a rush, we could retire to my quarters and have sex for a few hours.
That was just unbelievable.
It's never been like that before.
Was it OK? It wasdifferent.
- Different? - You make love like a Japanese meal - small portions, but so many courses.
- Look, Nirvanah - We must dress and go now.
- Look, Nirvanah, what I'm trying to say - Please, don't say anything.
I hope you didn't get me wrong.
That meant nothing to me.
Less than nothing, really.
- Like playing tennis.
- As it should be.
I, erdon't suppose you fancy a tie-break? I'm sorry.
I've got things I should do.
Niet problemski.
You knowwe usually talk.
- What do you talk about? - Oh, research, new theories, mission profiles.
I'm sorry.
I must have seemed ignorant.
I hardly said anything apart from "Geronimo".
Thank you for the workout.
Privacy off.
Commander, some amusing news.
Stocky has chosen you to meet our guest's challenge.
What you're suggesting is immoral and illegal.
Mind-patching is outlawed.
- But it IS possible? - Possible but highly dangerous.
The side effects can be devastating.
You could be reduced to a gibbering simpleton.
Reduced? - I'll take the chance.
- Even if it costs your mind? It's a small price to pay.
Look, on that ship I can touch, feel, taste.
I'm not a half man.
I'm whole again.
Rimmer, they're a bunch of arrogant, pompous, emotionally weird, stuck-up megalomaniacs.
Do you really think you'll fit in? What am I saying? Bon voyage.
He's right, sir.
Why throw in with people like that? To be somebody, to have a position of authority on a scout ship exploring space, work alongside educated men and women, officers, people who count.
This is my one chance to seize my dream, to be with the winners.
- Look at me.
What do you see? - Tell me.
You see a sad and lonely guy who left home at 16 to become an officer and a gentleman and ended up as a chicken soup machine operative.
Is it any wonder my father had four strokes and used to sit by the window and dribble? I did that to him.
There's nothing wrong with what you did.
It was just a job.
- You ARE your job.
- Not so, sir.
Was Albert Camus a goalkeeper or a philosopher? Was Albert Einstein an office clerk or the greatest physicist who ever lived? And, of course, there's the simple carpenter's son who went on to own the largest chain of pizza stores in history, Harry Beedlebaum.
Einstein didn't spend the best years of his life picking poultry from a nozzle cleaner.
That doesn't make you a failure.
It does in my parents' eyes.
It does in my brothers' eyes.
It does in the eyes of everyone with eyes.
That's exactly what it makes me.
Sir, please reconsider.
If not for your sanity, you haven't considered the moral implications of your decision.
You will be joining a society where you must have sex with beautiful, brilliant women twice daily on demand.
Now, am I really the only one here who finds that just a little bit tacky? Well, quite clearly I am.
Sir, I've uploaded the two candidates to be inserted into your mind - Science Officer Buchan, excellent scientific background, 169 IQ, and Flight Coordinator McQueen, superlative mathematician, 172 IQ.
Now, even taking into account the enormous drag factor of your own mind, I still think we'll get something special.
- But I'll still have control? - You'll have access to their knowledge, but your personality will have the power of veto.
Sir, I implore you to reconsider.
Think of the poor officer whose life you will take.
Wasn't it St Francis of Assisi who said, "Never give a sucker an even break"? Well, if he did, sir, it was strictly off the record.
- Come on, Kryten.
Get on with it.
- Commencing integration.
Glory or insanity awaits.
- He's read every medical book? - In under three hours.
The change is quite astonishing.
But I should warn you - this is not the pile of human wreckage we know as Arnold Rimmer.
Prepare yourself.
Sir, we've received the co-ordinates.
Perhaps we should bemaking tracks? Kry-ten.
I was thinking.
Assuming we're not dealing with a basic Euclidean geometric universe and given that all geomathematics is based on the notion that one plus one is two and not that one and two are in fact the same thing observed from different precepts (SNORTS) .
the theoretical shape must therefore be a polydridocdecahooeyhedron ahexasexahedroadicon and a dibidollyhedecadodron.
(SNORTS) - Everything else is poppycock.
- Rimmer? I wrote a palindromic haiku this morning.
- We don't speak Japanese, sir.
- I could translate it into Mandarin.
Rimmer, we don't speak Japanese, we don't speak Mandarin, and we don't speak satsuma.
He is really getting on my pecks.
Remember, sir, he's operating on a different level now.
To him, we are the intellectual equivalent of domestic science teachers.
Subject ready for transfer.
Farewell, gentlemen.
Glory awaits.
Test candidates, for this purely intellectual challenge, you remain in separate suites.
Questions will come in a variety of languages to confuse and disorient you.
There will be 200,000 questions in this initial session.
After you have completed the tasks at workstation A, proceed to workstation B.
I shall undertake both tasks simultaneously.
- Mr Rimmer, that is impossible.
- Nevertheless, I shall attempt it.
It begins.
(BLEEPING AND TAPPING) You're exactly what we're looking for.
Are there any questions? I just want to get one thing clear.
This is an opportunity to be revived as a hologram and become part of the crew - you three.
Basically, you spend your time salvaging spaceships, playing poker and eating curries.
- We don't do that much salvaging.
- But you do eat a lot of curries.
We don't eat curry every night.
In fact, I remember quite clearly last June, Mr Lister had a pizza.
Remember? - Yeah.
- You didn't like it.
But I poured curry sauce over it, and he yummed it up.
And the all-night poker sessions, is it always strip poker? - It depends on how drunk we are.
- Or how much curry he's had.
So - and this is probably a stupid question - you don't have much interest in horse riding or ballet? Fine by us.
As long as we can have a curry afterwards, we're cool.
Of course, there's other candidates to see, but, in theory, if we offered you the post, would you accept? - No.
- No.
- No, I think I'm better off where I am.
- But you're dead! And meeting you guys has really made me appreciate it a whole lot more.
Well, thank you, Ms Harrison.
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
- Next.
Next candidate, Deck Sergeant Sam Murray.
Ah, Sam.
Now, as Holly told you - My own mind's come back! - What happened exactly? Was it a slow deterioration or did it happen in seconds? Seconds.
I need another mind-patch pronto.
I'm sorry, sir.
It's classic rejection syndrome.
There's nothing we can do.
- What are you talking about? - Your brain just can't accept an implant.
- No! - I'm sorry, sir.
- There must be something! - I'm afraid not.
But I'm winning, I'm so close Who's this? I'm not even gone and you're replacing me! - We thought you weren't coming back.
- You should know better.
You actually expect something to go right for me? Arnold "Schmucko" Rimmer? Tosspot by Royal Appointment? Well, where are you going, sir? I'm going to withdraw.
I hear you're doing well in the assessment.
(MUTTERS SNIDELY) Well, if you make it, maybe you'd like to have sex next week? - I'm free Wednesday morning.
- I'm busy Wednesday.
I'm killing myself.
(LIFT) Floor 6120 - botanical gardens.
Arnie, where've you been? To hell and back.
- I've withdrawn.
- But you're winning.
- I was using a mind-patch.
- Are you insane?! I would do anything to get on this ship.
Every time I look in the mirror, I see this.
Only to me, it doesn't mean hologram, it means "halfwit", "hopeless", "hideous failure".
This was a chance to be somebody.
Somebody I liked.
I've never met anyone like you before.
- Everyone says that.
- Listen to me, mister.
Underneath that neurotic mess is someone nice, someone who deserves a chance to grow.
So you won't give up, OK? - OK? - I cheated.
You're going to win, Arnie.
You will get your dream.
I promise you.
You really think? I really think.
- I won.
- What?! My opponent withdrew.
I won.
I'm an officer.
I leave tonight.
Look, I'm no good at speeches, and I know I haven't always been easy to get on with.
And, given the choice, I probably wouldn't have chosen you as friends.
But I just want to say that over the years, I have come to regard you aspeopleI met.
- I'd just better go, OK? - See you, smeghead.
- Transfer.
- Transfer.
Here are your quarters, Mr Rimmer.
These are Commander Crane's quarters.
Oh, didn't you know? She was your opponent.
Navigation Officer Rimmer reporting, sir.
Arnold, welcome aboard.
I trust everything's to your sa Permission to speak, sir.
I wish to resign my commission, sir.
May I ask your reasoning, please? Flight Commander Crane has fallen in love with me, sir.
Love? Commander Crane is too intellectually advanced to submit to a hormonal imbalance.
That's why she withdrew from the challenge, sir.
You are suggesting that she cared more for your happiness than for her own life.
Am I? Yes, sir.
I suppose I am, sir.
Now you are resigning so that she can be reinstated, even though you could have everything - a position of command, an effective physical presence, everything.
Perhaps you'd pass this note on to her, sir.
I understand your gesture, but your resignation solves nothing.
After all, you will still beapart.
- Permission to return to Red Dwarf, sir.
- Granted.
Oh, and, sir, you're wrong.
We won't be apart, we justwon't be together.
I cannot believe I just said that.
# It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere # I'm all alone, more or less # Let me fly far away from here # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun # I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose # Drinking fresh mango juice # Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun #