Red Dwarf Episode Scripts

N/A - Demons & Angels

("RED DWARF" THEME) Amazing.
The last strawberry in the universe.
Calibrator locked and set.
Organic infrastructure recorded and stored.
Engage the triplicator.
- (HISSES) - It works! - What works? - We've adapted the matter paddle.
Now the returning signal is split three ways, so as well as receiving the original object, we get two identical copies.
This will solve all our supply problems.
Taking into account recalibration, we can produce four, perhaps even five strawberries a week.
Well, if the Nobel Prize people run a fruit section, you're this year's hot tip.
Gentlemen, history beckons.
You'll be famous.
They'll build statues, even name towns after you.
"Dorksville" springs instantly to mind.
- This machine could revolutionise our lives.
- Absolutely.
With this little baby, we could have a full fruit salad by the end of the year.
Look, it's not just strawberries.
It can duplicate anything.
It can Sir, what's wrong? This strawberry's incredible! So succulent.
It's divine.
- Is that the same? - Oh, no, no! - How's it different? - It's bitter, rancid.
- Sir, I, um - Kind of tangy.
- Sir, I - Crunchy.
- Sir.
- Tangy.
Kind of chewy.
Meaty, even.
It's a funny kind of wriggly texture.
Oh, smeg! It's as if it extracted the best elements from one duplicate and the worst from the other.
So what would happen if we reversed the process? Nice experiment.
What do you do for an encore? Neutron bomb juggling? - (ALARM SOUNDS) - Rude alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my voice recognition unicycle.
Many Wurlitzers are missing from my database.
Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil! This is not a daffodil.
Well, thankfully, Holly's unaffected.
She's right! The engine core is approaching critical mass.
Meltdown in 15 minutes! A brisk stroll towards the cargo bay could be in order at this point.
Red Dwarf's gonna blow? In less time than Norwegians take to buy ski boots.
Hey, guys! They're playing the Awooga Waltz.
Care to join me in a quickstep? (RIMMER) Holly, open cargo bay doors.
Er, Holly, those cargo bay doors we talked about earlier, would you mind opening them, please? - Holly! The doors, Holly! - "Cargo bay doors" isn't in my lexicon.
- Manual override! - "Manual override" isn't Oh, forget it! That's eighty clicks.
We should be clear of any possible blast zone.
- You really think it'll blow? - This can't be happening.
Nothing's gonna happen.
We're just here as a precaution.
The whole ship's full of fail-safes anyway - cooling systems, containment panels, vacuum shields The chances of it blowing are about one in .
.
one.
Well, according to the charts, the nearest asteroid with an S-3 atmosphere is six hours away.
But we only have enough fuel for five hours' flight.
I don't think that's a major problem, though, because we only have enough oxygen for seven minutes.
(MUTTERS) Well, that doesn't affect us, does it? - (MUTTERS) Sorry, sir? - We don't need oxygen.
Here's a thought.
If we ejected their corpses into outer space, would the weight reduction help us reach the asteroid? - That's not the attitude.
- Sorry? That's not the Red Dwarf way.
One in trouble, all in trouble.
- The posse.
- Boys from the Dwarf.
- The homeboys always band together.
- That's the way it is.
Have you got anything in writing? You're a toad, Rimmer.
A weasel.
You're a slimy rodent with the morals of a praying mantis.
I'm just being a realist.
You have seven minutes left to live.
That's tragic.
God, it's tragic! - But for the rest of us, life must go on.
- If I may interject, that's not quite true.
Remember, you are operating on emergency battery supplies.
We have no spares.
In fact, you yourself, sir, will expire in a little under four minutes.
.
.
OK, homeboys, let's posse! - Right, Kryten, scan the wreckage.
- Straight away, sir.
Cat, get suited up.
Maybe some oxygen tanks survived.
Maybe some fuel tanks.
If we get a fix, we bring them on-board.
Meanwhile, turn Rimmer down to minimum power.
It'll triple his running time.
Sirs, there's something out there.
Two objects, far too vast to be debris.
According to the backlog, they materialised just before the explosion.
- Can we get in any closer? - Enhance maximum.
(COMPUTER WHIRRS) (KRYTEN) Of course.
Two copies of Red Dwarf.
- How? - Presumably, in reverse, the triplicator reversed the field of the beam, projecting it out, not in.
So, instead of the strawberries, it copied the entire ship? Precisely.
Presumably, the resultant power drain caused the original to blow.
So, like the strawberries, there are two new Red Dwarfs, one succulent and divine, - the other - Fish bait.
So what's the problem? We got us a ship that's better than the original.
- Not quite.
- In the lab, copies had a limited lifespan.
- How limited? - About an hour.
There may be a solution.
The ship's contents should be triplicated too.
There will be a working triplicator on-board whichever of the ships is superior.
Theoretically, we can reverse the reversal and replicate the original Red Dwarf by amalgamating the two copies.
He makes it sound so simple.
We have to find a terminal to re-boost Mr Rimmer's battery pack.
We'll catch you up.
(CELESTIAL MUSIC) Check that music.
It's magnificent! I never heard anything like it before.
(INHALES) Ooh! Get a lungful of that air, man! Hmm! Makes you feel good to be alive.
Everything about this ship is well, it's divine.
Hey, let's check the food.
- What did you order? - Ultimate test - Pot Noodle.
(BOTH) Mmm! I tell you this, I've visited a parallel universe, seen time running backwards, played pool with planets and given birth to twins, but I never thought in my entire life I'd taste an edible Pot Noodle.
Brothers, we bid you welcome.
There must be much you do not understand.
Come.
You're me but you're not me? I am part of you, your higher self.
I exist in you as potential.
Now I'm here, extrapolated from your being.
Extrapo-what-alated? Buddy, no way are you part of me.
No part of me would be seen in sandals.
I find clothes a distraction from the pursuit of spiritual and intellectual fulfilment.
That's weird - I find spiritual and intellectual fulfilment a distraction from the pursuit of clothes.
Let us join our friends in the meditation chamber.
We can spend the evening seeking answers to the metaphysical conundra that have always plagued mankind.
- Sounds wild.
- Hold me back.
Philosophy, poetry, music and study.
That is how we spend our time.
Trying to expand our minds and unlock our full potential for humankind.
What a pair of losers.
Oh! More visitors.
Come, soul-sibling, let us prepare some refreshments.
May your path lead to wisdom, and in wisdom know ye peace.
These guys are part of us? I don't buy it.
These are the people we could have become if all our negative aspects were removed.
- You mean hippies? - Sir, you think Jesus was a hippy.
He was.
Long hair, no job.
What more do you want? How come they're smarter than us? This is my guess - your mind records everything you see, hear, read, every conversation, it's all stored in your subconscious.
Somehow, our higher selves have access to that knowledge.
Look, you got the gizmo, Iet's scram before we're roped into an evening of philosophy and self-flagellation.
It's not that simple.
This triplicator has only half the vital components.
We need the triplicator from the "low" ship.
(DING!) Let the entertainment begin.
There will be haiku readings, poetry recitals and musings on the inner soul.
But first, music and dance.
Brother Rimmer is portraying agony.
The agony of the soul searching out truth.
The truth danced by Brother Cat.
(DING!) - But truth is elusive.
- It flits like a firefly through the soul, teasing, confusing.
And agony, in torment, searches forever in vain.
- Brothers, I am compelled to intrude.
- What is it, sister? I am receiving a distress call from a ship which appears to be identical to our own.
Then, we must help them.
With haste, brothers.
(WHIRRS) Approach pattern plotted.
Let's take her in nice and easy.
Keep 'em peeled, guys.
Welcome, brothers.
We bring food and medical supplies.
(GUNSHOT) Poor devil.
His gun must have gone off accidentally.
Welcome, my children.
We bring you balms and tinctures.
I come in peace to sing you healing hymns.
- Is he dead? - We can only hope.
Oh! The poor wretch! He has a faulty gun.
He accidentally shot me five times.
Oh, how I love him! Brother, there is a grievous fault with thine weapon.
It keepeth shooting people.
You see? There it goes again.
- What is this? - A greeting gift.
A sparkling welcome orb.
Come, let us embrace its splendid beauty and share in its vibrations.
It's exquisite.
What does it say to you, brother? (SNIGGERS) (GRUNTS AND SLURPS) (MANIC MUTTERING) (WHISPERS) Rimmer? Rimmer? Rimmer? Rimmer? - Rimmer? - Looking for someone? Holy smeg! Hello, my pretty.
What do you want with me? - I want to hurt you.
- Why? Because I'm not a very nice person.
A holo-whip.
I'm going to lash you to within an inch of your life.
And then I'm going to have you.
(LAUGHS) (ALL LAUGH SCORNFULLY) (LAUGHTER ECHOES) Sirs, we have less than 20 minutes to find the second triplicator and set it up.
I suggest we divide our efforts.
- A sage suggestion, brother.
- Perhaps I should go with Brother Cat? - You haven't got a weapon.
- We have no need.
We wear protective herbs.
- I'm going with Bot-Brain.
- As you wish, brother.
Thank you, friend.
- It is ready.
- Put it in his spine.
(SNIGGERS) Wake up.
You don't want to miss the pain.
Can you feel the needles as they burrow into your spine? (SNIGGERS) You guys are two lettuces short of an allotment.
- What are you after? - Your vessel.
- Nothing works here, man.
- Everything is in decay.
And here is how we're going to get it.
(GRUNTING AND SNIGGERING) - I can't move.
- Of course not.
He hasn't turned you on yet.
- Show him.
- (SNIGGERS) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) - He applauds our efforts.
- Maybe he'd like to go for a little walk.
- Game over now, eh? - I wonder what's in that supply cabinet? (CRUNCH) (THEY CACKLE AND SNIGGER) Oh, no! No.
(LOW KRYTEN) I wonder if he'd like a drink to calm him down? No! (CACKLING) Whoops! (POT HISSES) - Perhaps he'd like something to eat.
- (THEY CACKLE) Yes! Oh! You guys have got to be yanking my chain! Bon appetit.
(SNIGGERS) - Welcome to our team.
- No way are you part of me.
Oh, yes, he is.
He's the boy who pulled the legs off insects, the boy who held a magnifying glass to his best friend's neck and watched him buuuuurn! He's the part of you who wants all your friends to fail.
The part of you that loves to watch horror movies.
The part of you that lusts after meaningless sex.
He's cruel.
He's selfish.
He thinks terriblemmmthings.
He's you.
Ah, but hehe kills.
- I'm not capable of that.
- Ah, we'll soon see about that.
- Ugh! - Whew! Phew! Hmm Nice movie collection.
"Revenge of the Mutant Splat Gore Monster".
"Die Screaming with Sharp Things in Your Head".
Gore movies.
Weapons magazines.
This is a shrine to all that's low and base, everything designed to sicken the soul and shrivel the spirit.
Urgh! Toastie Toppers.
Urgh! Cinema hot dogs.
Oh! Sweaty kebabs with stringy brown lettuce coming out.
Oh! Look at this music - "Hammond Heaven", "Karaoke Krazy", "Peter Perfect Plays Tuneful Tunes for Elderly Ladies".
- Let's get outta here.
- Oh, wait.
Here it is! Oh.
Clearly, they have no idea as to its purpose.
- How long do we have? - Barely eight minutes, sir.
Have I told today how much I love thee? How much my heart glimmers like a newborn star when I gaze upon thine countenance? Thy love refreshes and cleanses me like a babbling mountain stream.
(MUFFLED) Mmmmwwwwmm! Mmmnnph! Your likeness, brother.
(THEY SNEER AND CACKLE) Mwww mmffff mmm! Fwwm mmw mmmrrrm! A knife.
Are you hungry, brother? I have pulses and curd for your refreshment.
Forgive me, brother.
I have stained thy knife-end with my blood.
A thousand apologies.
Brother, let me provide a fresh knife.
Farewell, brother, my brook is babbled.
(THEY GRUNT AND SNEER) (CRACK) I found Goalpost-Head.
No sign of Dormouse-Cheeks, though.
- Sir, what happened? - We were ambushed by Lows.
- I led a valiant rearguard action.
- I found him shivering in a box.
- It was a tactical manoeuvre.
- As was using his uniform as a latrine.
- Where is Mr Lister? - We got jumped.
He ran off like a gazelle on steroids.
We'll have to leave him.
In four minutes, this ship will no longer exist.
- Hey, there he is! - Mmmwww! Hwwwmmm! What took you so long, buddy? - What? - Look out! I'm gonna kill ya! I'm a homicidal maniac.
My body's being remote-controlled by the Lows.
Kryten, look out! You gotta stop me! - Shoot him! - What?! - Blow his kneecaps off! - Give me a break, Rimmer! He's homicidal.
Put him down! There must be another way to incapacitate me.
There, Kryten.
Hit him with that axe.
- That'll kill me! - Not if he does it gently.
- He's killing the Cat.
- What can I do? Incapacitate me in a painless way.
(CRUNCH) (GASPS) That was unnecessary.
Unnecessary? Look at my neckline.
This stuff never springs back.
Oh, my God! I think I'm going for the bazookoid! Duck! Left! Right! I'm trying to reload! Get behind me! - I'm coming behind you now, sir.
- Take me by surprise.
- I'm taking you by surprise, sir.
- Get on with it! You may get an unpleasant sensation of chloroform! - Surprise me now! - Here comes my surprise, sir.
OK.
How long before the triplicator activates? Less than two minutes.
(KRYTEN) Hurry! (ENGINE WHEEZES) (CAT) Damn! Flat battery.
Who left the lights on? No, the magnetic coils have depolarised.
It's as if the decay here is contagious.
- 35 seconds.
- Try the back-up.
(ENGINE ROARS) Let's get out of here.
All systems check.
(RIMMER) We're up.
Looking good.
- Not again! - (RIMMER) Watch where you're steering! - Chloroform him! - Wait.
I've located the spinal implant.
- Where is it? I've lost it.
- It's in his neck.
Holly's back! Mr Lister, wake up, sir.
We're safe now.
Engaging autopilot.
Course zero zero mark zero.
Taking her home.
See what you did to my blouson? - Plus, you almost killed me.
- It wasn't my fault.
- Once you get one of them things in you - Sir, what's wrong? - I think he just sat on the implant.
- But who's controlling him? (SNIGGERING) I'll remove the implant and destroy it.
Uh-uh.
Wait.
One week, that's all I ask.
What are you talking about? Boy, this is gonna be fun.
# It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere # I'm all alone, more or less # Let me fly far away from here # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun # I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose # Drinking fresh mango juice # Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun #