Red Dwarf Episode Scripts

N/A - Duct Soup

I want a drink but I can't be bothered to get up I wanna go to the loo but I can't be bothered to go down the corridor This is one of the universal dilemmas, something which has confronted all men since the beginning of time to pee or not to pee that is the question.
No, I'll just lie here, really thirsty, with a full bladder, and try and get to sleep.
Smeggin 'ell! One more time, and you get this.
D'you hear? Don't think I don't mean it! One more time, just one more.
What did I tell you? I told you! Didn't I tell you? How many times have I told you? Right, what was the last one? 'Nureek'.
So the next one will be a 'retut', and the one after that will be a 'hanunga'.
Four seconds; three seconds; two seconds Now 'hanunga' No, that's wrong! You've gone out of sequence! 'Nureek', 'retut', 'hanunga' What's wrong with you? If you're gonna keep me up all night just do it right, okay?!? 'Squrlookal'? Where does 'squrlookal' come from? It's new! Phew, that's better.
Kill two birds with one shower.
Okay right, right.
I can't hear you.
You can do whatever you like, I can't hear a damn thing.
Oh my goodness.
It's Princess Leia.
Luke Skywalker went that way, ma'am.
What? It's nearly 9am, ma'am, what are you doing up? Looking for someone to kill, care to volunteer? Oh, can't sleep? Have you ever listened to those clapped-out old pipes? 'Nureek'ing and 'retut'ing, and just when you expect them to 'nureek' again, they 'squrlookal'! It's enough to make a perfectly sane person crazy! It's quite amazing, the number of people those pipes have driven to the very brink of psychosis.
Mr Lister spent the night in there once, and he ended up trying to suffocate himself to death with an onion sandwich.
Look at this.
This is a boys fridge.
Women would never have fridges like this.
Chilled trainers? It just wouldn't happen! What would you say to a glass of drinking chocolate? I'd say: "Glass of drinking chocolate, get me out of here!" I can't live like this, I need a bath.
I hate showers, I've always hated showers.
Ask anyone who knows me what I hate, and do you know what they'll say? Where did it all go wrong? My life started off so promisingly.
Rich parents; good school; pony named Trumper.
How did I end up like this? On a ship where the fourth most popular pastime is going down to the laundry room and watching my knickers spin dry Ma'am! That is not true! No one has ever done that! That's only because they don't know when you wash them! Couple of posters and a trailer before 'The World's Stupidest Stuntmen' video and, take it from me, that laundry room will be packed! I think you're doing Mr Lister and the Cat a great disservice, ma'am.
A great, great disservice! Wow - this is the best load yet! Just for the record I'd like to repeat that I'm only here because I can't sleep.
So I decided to do some of my laundry and help out Kryten.
Yeah, yeah, yeah I'm not here because I'm a sad and lonely person who's entertained by women's underwear spin drying.
My god, a g-string! Where? You missed it I swear! It was black and really, really small.
I'm too mature for this.
I'm just gonna sit here and read my comic.
Oh buddy, this is a great show tonight.
I may even write a fan letter to the washing machine company.
Sometimes I'm really ashamed to be with you.
You're completely out of order, do you know that? Since when did you get so mature? Mature? I've been mature for ages, me.
- Oh yeah? - Yeah.
You're just pretending to be mature, because that's your plan to get officer Bud-Babe to fall for you! Everybody knows that! Go and stick an egg up your nose.
- It's true.
- Isn't true.
- It is! - Isn't! Sirs, sirs, sirs! What are you arguing about? About me being really mature.
What's come over you, sir, why aren't you in bed? The heating system's gone bonkers.
Why, what's up? Oh, it appears life on board ship is getting Miss Kochanski down, sir.
What's the problem? It's not helped by the fact that her sleeping quarters are next to the sewage processor.
You know how noisy those pipes are, sir.
We'll re-lag them first thing in the mornin'.
Oh it's not just she can't sleep, sir, it's everything.
Not being able to have a bath, no cottage cheese, no The thermostat! I swear I set the correct programme! Oh! Who on earth is going to tell her!? I mean, who - Hi.
How're you settling in? Great.
Having a ball.
We'll fix those pipes If you could just make them go 'nureek' every time without any 'squirlookals', I'd be so grateful.
We'll stop them completely.
I know I've been spoilt! Brought up in the trendiest part of Glasgow - Yeah, the Gorbals, you said.
Now I can't even have a bath Come on.
Come with me.
I've got something to show you.
You take my quarters tonight, and I'll have yours.
I've cleaned out an old retro housing and filled it with water.
I don't know what to say And I, erm found this on that derelict I was savin' it for your birthday.
There's some make-up in there, too.
I can't find her anywhere, sir, I've been searching high and low! Oh! Ma'am.
Didn't spot you, there.
Krissie's sleeping in my quarters tonight, Kryten.
In, your quarters, sir? Yeah, she's gonna have a nice, hot bath.
In here? Without clothes on? Well, all convention dictates probably, yeah.
Kryten, me and Kris have been having a talk, and we think it'd be better all 'round if you leave.
Er, sir? As you probably know, we're planning on settling down together, it started that night she had a bath in my quarters, you remember? We got you this leaving present A key-ring - With a 'C' on it.
For 'Kryten'! But, you spell 'Kryten' with a 'K' Ohh, don't make a fuss.
Now, I've packed all your heads; they're in the bag.
You know what it's like, man, it's the fourth Law of the universe: you settle down with a woman, and the first thing they do is systematically set about getting rid of all your mates.
The Cat's next.
I've been packing his bag for over three weeks! See, we wanna be a proper couple, have lots of dinner parties, and I think I've reached the age now where I really should be wearing clogs.
And you see we're all a bit embarrassed of you because you've got a funny shaped head.
You're not human, are you, you're a robot.
- Yeah! - Eeeugh! Oh hi! You're early, come in! Good to see you! I've just seen the future! I'm afraid Mr Lister shrunk your uniform, ma'am.
You only have one left, now.
Did he? Never mind.
Aren't you mad? I'm too tired to be mad I just want to have my bath, and get some sleep.
I'll be going then.
After all these years, I'll be going.
Are you all right, Kryts? Never been better, thank you, sir.
A key-ring with a 'C' on it! Unbelievable! Thank you with a capital 'R'! What's eating him? I dunno - I'll find out later.
Thanks for this, I really appreciate it.
- Hey, no bother.
- See you in the morning.
That's right.
Well, I'll be going then? Yeah.
- Right, I'll I'll go - Yeah.
See you tomorrow.
Tomorrow! Right.
If you need anyone to, um, scrub your back or anything, don't hesitate to call, I can be here in twenty seconds.
- I won't.
- Right then.
What was that? Hang on a minute, I've got a torch somewhere What the hell's happenin'? The generator's down, sir.
I was just adjusting the thermo-settings and it overloaded.
Give it a few seconds and the emergency backup will kick in.
Ah, thank goodness.
I'll look into it immediately, sir! There goes the backup! Now everythin's dead.
How come the doors closed? When the backup goes down the doors always lock; prevent fire, re-inforce hull integrity.
So what's steering this crate? Is autopilot down too? Everything's down.
Oh, I wish I'd been more careful! You mean this ship's careening out of control through space with absolutely zero expertise at the helm? No change there, then.
We've got to re-fire the backup generator.
The only way to get to the backup is through the service ducts.
Two miles of ventways that wind their way through the ship like intestines.
There should be a hatchway in your shower, sir.
How long's that gonna take? Oh, six hours, maybe more? Six hours? Are you okay, sir? Fine, yeah.
Yep, yep.
The reading said last night that there was gonna be a meteor storm coming in directly ahead, but it won't hit us for at least twelve hours.
We should gather up some supplies.
A little food, as much water as we can carry, and maybe even that magnetic fishing game.
Okay, let's go.
It's so damn hot I can barely breathe! It's like being stuck in a sauna with a fat man on your face! I don't feel so good the walls are closing in! Are you okay, sir? I need to take a break - I need air! He's claustrophobic, didn't you guys know? I'm all right when I know I can get out, but now we're out in the middle somewhere Can't breathe Have a drink, sir.
Okay, take a look around, see if we can unscrew one of the ceiling hatches; drop back down into the ship somewhere.
Let's go.
M' throat's closin' chokin' Here, drink some of this.
You just need something to take your mind off it.
I wonder why Dave, my Dave, wasn't claustrophobic? Oh thanks, Kris, that's really helpin'.
Now is not a great time to tell me how great your boyfriend is, okay? He wasn't my boyfriend.
Not really.
What? No, we were just good friends.
No, but you said - I just didn't want to look like some sad loser when we first met, so I asked him to play along.
You weren't going out with him? He wasn't my type.
But, he was well-dressed, neat, sophisticated, sensitive; you're so damn picky! Why wasn't he your type? He was gay.
You see? Picky.
Everythin's got to be absolutely perfect before you're What did you say? - He was gay.
- Gay? Yes.
Are you sayin' I'm I'm gay in an alternative dimension? - Yes.
- Me? That's why we only dated for a couple of weeks; it was sort of his final attempt at trying to work things out.
Wait a minute you don't think now hang on, I'm completely straight, okay? I couldn't possibly be gay.
I can't grow a big moustache for starters, it just grows in little clumps Here, have another drink - heteroboy.
We've found a grill about twenty meters down on the right, which drops down into a supply room.
We can't get through to unscrew the fastening bolts but, ma'am, with smaller hands you might enjoy better luck.
- Will you be okay? - Leave him to me.
I'll be okay.
Boy, is it cramped! Whew-ew! I tell you, if I was dead you most certainly could not swing me around in here! - Cat - Talk about cooped up! Cat! Oh, sorry not supposed to talk about that, right? Right.
So how do you get to be claustrophobic? I was seventeen, working in the MegaMart, part time, as a trolley-parker.
After a couple of months I fell in love with cashier number four She was 22, come-to-behind-the-bacon-counter eyes And there was just something about the way she held her pricing gun that made me crash m' trolleys.
We started seeing each other, in the stock room, at break time She gave you claustrophobia? I didn't think you could get it like that One evening, we were both on the late shift; we snuck into the stock room; started makin' love on a box of tinned asparagus.
After a couple of minutes, about half way through, I was seventeen, she leapt up and said: "There's someone at the door!", so I jumped into this wooden packing crate; it was 'im! He asked what the hell she was doing lying on a box of reduced, tinned, dented veg with no kit on.
She said she was trying to get an all-over tan from the lightbulb.
He was havin' none of that.
He sealed me up in the box and said he was gonna drop me in the canal, he drove me out there! I was screamin' at him, pleadin': "let me out!"; promised him anything, said I'd never see her again, just let me out! In the end, he relented, and I heard the box being opened.
I stepped out, bollock naked, right in the middle of the Bootle-players' amateur production of "The Importance Of Being Earnest" Boy, that's enough to freak anyone out! I had no idea Mr Lister was claustrophobic; why did he never mention it? Well, it's probably not something he feels comfortable talking about.
He's told me about everything else about his life Not everything, Kryten.
Absolutely, ma'am! Everything? Mmm.
Before you arrived, nights were long and dull.
'Cheese slice snap' can only entertain for so long.
So what did he tell you about me? Oh, absolutely everything, ma'am.
I don't think he missed a single detail.
What way? I've seen the way! What way? Like he's a pot of cottage cheese with pineapple chunks in! How could you say that? Maybe, once or twice, plain cottage cheese.
Never! Have I? What's that? What's what? Can't you hear it yet? Like a roaring noise A roaring noise? Like a watery kind of roaring noise I can't hear a thing.
It's like water roaring down, say, a passageway.
In a kind of roaring, watery kind of way.
I wonder what the hell it is! Hey, where're you goin'? Kris! Kryten! Re-cyc water! Every four hours the ductways get backwashed! You know what? I think I just solved the watery roaring noise problem.
- Come on! - I ain't goin' wit' you! Why not? That's where the water's coming from.
You can be really dumb sometimes, you know that? I hate this, I really hate this! What's that? - What's what? - That noise Oh, not again! What noise? Is it a roaring, watery kind of noise? No, not that noise.
This is a different kind of noise.
Is it a kind of 'Cat being smacked on the head by a smegged-off Lister's fist' kind of noise.
? It's a sort of swirly windy ah water-drying, hurricaney kind of noise! A swirly, windy, water-drying, hurricaney kind of noise? The dryer! The vents get dried after a backwash! Here it comes I am not having a good day! This should help, sir; take away the rising panic.
What is it? There was a first aid box in the supply store.
Well done, ma'am.
According to my reckoning we should be halfway across B-deck by now.
Boy, is this place hot! Satan could come here on his winter break! Hang on, how come it's getting hotter when the generators have packed in? It should be gettin' colder, shouldn't it? Ma'am, that meteor storm you said we were heading towards, which direction was it in? - Dead ahead.
- Oh! Anything else in the vacinity? To the west there is a sun, but that's about it.
I think we've been knocked off course! Probably due to the initial impact of the generators going down.
I think we're heading straight into that sun! And it's all my fault! Kryten, man, it's not your fault It is! It isn't! You were just adjusting the thermosettings and it overloaded.
I did it on purpose I typed in the override code, on the access panel in the corridor.
What? I don't know what to say, I didn't realise it would be so dangerous! Kryten, man, what made you do it? I really can't remember What do you mean, 'you can't remember'? I'd really, rather not say it out loud might sound a bit silly Say it I didn't want you to have a bath, ma'am.
Well, I knew it would be one of those 'no clothes' baths, and Mr Lister would scrub your back, and before we know what's going on, he's wearing clogs and you're having GELFs around to dinner.
And what would happen to me? I'd have been on my own again! Oh, Kryten.
! I - was - just - so - scared! Come on, we've got no time to waste, let's get the hell out of here! But we're not going to make it, sir! Yes we are! How? Catch some surf! Okay, here it comes Tell me again, how do you 'hang ten'? Just get into position! Here it - AAAARRRRGGHH! Oh! Thank god we made it! Oh God! How? How? I - er - I - ah - er Oh.
Well, that's it.
We're fried.
Unless someone's got some really terrific sunblock cream.
Not necessarily, ma'am.
I excluded the doors from the shutdown override.
In case anything happened You mean we spent the night crawling through one end of this ship to God knows where and back for absolutely no reason? It was all pointless? You put me through that nightmare when we could just walk out that door at any moment? Mm.
Well, if you'll excuse us, we've got some serious reversing to do, but we'll talk about this, over a cup of coffee, and a hot branding iron Well, 'night.
Aren't you mad too, ma'am? You're not, are you.
I think I understand: For you, the trip through the ducts was far from pointless.
It was an emotional journey where you gleaned invaluable insights into your crewmates.
This was your 'rites of passage', you feel enriched, wiser, and somehow bonded by this in a way that you never thought possible.
Am I right? - Say 'nureek'.
- 'Nureek'.
- Say 'retut'.
- 'Retut'.
- Say 'hanunga'.
- Er, 'hanunga'.
- 'Nureek'.
- 'Nureek'.
- 'Retut'.
- 'Retut'.
- 'Hanunga'.
- 'Hanunga'.
- 'Squirlookal' - 'Squirlookal' - 'Retut'.
- Oohh! 'Retut'.
- 'Nureek'.
- Ooh! 'Nureek'.
- 'Hanunga'.
- 'Hanunga'.