Red Dwarf Episode Scripts

N/A - Beyond a Joke

Mm! Smells good, Kryten.
What is it? Something I caught scuttling around the cargo bay, sir managed to land a monkey wrench on it, and the rest is history! 'Scuttling thing, a la monkey wrench'? Kryten, nothing I'm prepared to eat has ever scuttled.
This mouth is a scuttle-free zone.
It does smell good though, what is it? Ah, the only clue I'm prepared to give, sir, is: we're having it with green wine It's space weevil, isn't it It is not, no, sir.
Look, the rule is simple: I will not eat any animal that has ever been a cartoon.
Weevils, rabbits, dogs, cats, mice, road-runners; all out.
I'm not a cartoonivore! - Ta-daa! - Lobster! Poached, in a delicate cream sauce, sir.
Little so-en-so escaped in the hold.
Where did you get a live lobster? The S.
S.
Centauri, they had four in their stasis block.
You've really gone to a lot of trouble over this, haven't you You don't know what day it is, do you, sir? - Today? Someone's birthday? - Nope.
- Christmas? Easter? - Nope.
National Have Something That Scuttles For Dinner day? No.
Well, what then? Today is the day that you rescued me from the Nova 5 I thought we should have a surprise celebration! I had no idea! Why didn't you say? Ahh, if you'd said, it wouldn't have been much of a surprise, right? Prescisely, sir, it would have been about as unsurprising as an episode of Tales Of The Unexpected.
Eh? The old Channel 72 show.
It was Everyone Never mind.
Okay everyone? Ready? Let's go! Go? We're going to the Artificial Reality suite! We just loaded in that new software we picked up from the S.
S.
Centauri.
Can you believe the luck? Finding a working copy of Jane Austin world? It's the luckiest find I've made since I discovered that tube of leg-wax under the medi-scanner.
You found my leg-wax? We're going to visit 'Pride And Prejudice' land.
This is gonna be so great! It's Chick City, bud! Five sisters and they're all hotter than a Mustang's exhaust! And you're going to go with them, sir? This is It's unbelievable.
I just thought I'd check it out Y'know, I never had much of an education, what with being and orphan, and going to art college.
Thought I might learn something here.
Oh, just stick it in the oven, come and join us and we'll have it when we get back! Two days I've spent, preparing this! Kryten, I've gotta go, man, they're waiting for me.
I'm sorry.
I don't know why I bother.
Gallivanting off like that! And on our aniversary too! 'Pride and Prejudice' world! When I was fourteen in Cyberschool I used to spend all my time here.
These strides are too tackle-tight, Officer B-B.
I can barely cruise! Look, just try and appreciate the nuances and culture.
I'm tryin', but it's real hard when there's a seam splicing your nadgers in two! You're gonna spoil it for us, aren't you No he won't, he'll be fine.
Look man, all clothes were a bit nadger-restricting back in them days.
That's why there were so many wars.
Okay? Let's interact with the characters, then perhaps you can begin to understand why the book is such a masterpiece.
.
? Ah! Good morning, Mrs Bennett.
Is it not a most fine day? 'Tis an utter delight and no mistake.
Oh, we don't believe we've had the pleasure of meeting your handsome young friends.
.
? This is Mr Lister, and his friend Mr Cat.
Perhaps you would like to join us on a turn around the forest, and later have tea in Mr Pindley's gazebo? Oh please, ma-ma, can they come? May they, oh, that would be so delightful! Oh yes, oh, please! Oh do! Do come to tea, oh please, please! They're so hot they're steamin'! "Cook it", "don't cook it", "do this", "do that"! Well, I'm sorry, I'm gonna make you eat this damn supper if it's the last thing I do! Just borrow the T-72 from the WW2 game and then I think we'll have everyone's attention Where on earth have Dame Lizzie and Jane disappeared to? Such rudeness! I'm most vexed! Never mind, Mrs Bennett, I'm sure they'll be Perhaps I didn't make myself clear? I said: 'supper is ready'! Is anyone still unclear as to the supper situation? No? Excellent.
I didn't know robots got PMT! It's nice, Kryts, really nice.
It's really great.
In fact, it's better than nice, it's fantastic.
Isn't it great? - It's really great.
- Really, really great.
Are we eating the same stuff? I don't know why I make the effort.
No one appreciates the hours I put into food prep! My fingers are practically worn down to the endo-skeleton.
Is there any ketchup? Any what? Ketchup.
I just thought it could do with a bit of ketchup Just a dollop.
.
? - Ketchup? - Oh my god You want ketchup? Errm brown! Not tomato! Brown! It's not like I've got no class With lobster? You want brown ketchup? It's really nice Kryts, but you know me, I just thought it could do with a bit of a pep-up I can't believe it.
I simply cannot b - Oh well done, bud! Now we'll have to do the washing up! He's literally blown his top! Cat, can you go and get a spare head? How come I have to do everything around here? I never get a second to myself! "Cat do this", "Cat do that"; what am I? A dog? There.
I think that's it; boot him up.
You're sure you know what you're doing? Hey Ketchup? With lobster, you want - I thought you said you knew what you were doing! No, I just said 'hey'.
If you'd let me finish the whole sentence it'd have been: 'hey no I don't'.
Any luck? We've been back and forth through his core program and, as far as we can tell, nothing's wrong.
Maybe worth testing it with one of his spare heads? What spare heads We've blown them all out! Look at it.
have you ever seen so many blackheads outside the staffroom of a fried chicken franchise? We've managed to save his RAM chips, so at least we've got his personality on disk, but, that's about it Life without a head that's gonna put a real crimp on his lifestyle.
I mean, what can you do without a head? Apart from being you? Hardly anything.
We're going to have to get him another one, somehow.
I should've been looking out for him.
How could I let this happen? When was the Centauri built.
.
? Maybe they had a mechanoid service unit? Think.
Any clues when it was built? Which century? What're you doing? Logging on to their mainframe If there's a Divadroid signature on their supplies inventory then it's possible there're some mech heads 'round there somewhere.
Maybe 29th Look! Hey; simulant probably rogue, let's get the smeg outta here! Hmm, you smell good Thanks! They're all missing their primers.
Well this Johnny won't help us.
Simulants hate anything human or humanoid.
In fact, anything beginning with a 'hu' This is nuts! We look great! What are you talking about? This is never gonna work.
Ak ak ak akka ak? Ha ak? Hyak ak ak ak! Ak akakakak! You can't speak GELF Neither can the sim! We'll just do an impression of you first thing in the morning and we'll be fine! Come on, boy This is so demeaning I feel like a piece of meat! There's someone up there! It's worse than a chronic catarr sufferers' annual outing! After spare mech heads, 'ey? 'Uman! Lovely with a bit of mint sauce! 'Ow about a trade? We ain't sellin', okay? Fuel, supplies, anything, but not the human.
I was just tellin' him - no deal.
Like she says: no deal.
You tell him, Bud-Babe! No deal! You got that? So you speak Earth, 'ey? Tails you can 'ave the mech 'eads for free 'eads I take the 'uman.
Hey, wait a minute! It's tails, the 'eads are yours.
And, 'ere, are the primers.
Now, 'ow about a toast, 'ey? To Simulants: the greatest droids in the Universe but never trust 'em, 'ey? Cheers! Aw, we've been set up! But how? He must have had a sidekick, he kept us talking while his mate ransacked the ship! Kryten! They've taken his RAM chip, too 'Ere's a little job for you, Able.
Looks like a negadrive blow back.
Oh wow! Another mech.
Fix 'im, ready for market, or I'll apply the electro-leash to your nipples.
Fix him, or get fried nipple nuts? Er, er, I think I'm gonna choose the 'fix him' option! Deal! 'Urry up! You stupid 'zoney! Is now a good time to ask about a pay rise? Uh, I'm almost out of ultrazone, I need some more.
Fix the mech, first.
'Ere's 'is RAM chip.
Totally tubular! Goodness me! What a peculiar experience.
Thank you, Mr er - Mr er - What is your name? Er, just give me a second, okay? I've just sent that query down to long term memory retrieval.
It'll be back in no time.
Hang on, here it comes.
Told you it would be quick.
Abel.
My name's Able: A - B - L - E, Able.
My name is Kryten.
You're a Er, hang on.
Won't take a tick.
Please, don't bother.
Believe me, you are a 4000.
Well, I could check, it'll only take about twenty seconds.
Your serial number's '2X4C' - I'm a 2X4c too! We must have the same motherboard.
Wohh, then you're my bro'! Hey, wow, you wanna try some Ultrazone? Ultrazone's dangerous and highly addictive! Why, I only use it every now and then, y'know? It helps me get through the day.
Well how come you ended up here? Er, hang on.
What an irritating characteristic Okay: the ship I was on, well, it, er, kind of crashed a bit.
'Crashed a bit'? All the crew just lay there and they didn't talk to me anymore.
Then, after a couple of years I figured out they must be dead.
Then a long time later, the Simulant guy came and picked me up.
He's a bit of a psychopathic killing machine, but, he has his good side.
And, he has a huge stash of ultrazone! You sure you won't try some, Kryten? Bro'? I'm not your bro', and I do not touch ultrazone! It corrupts your circuit boards! Well, that's what people say, but where's the evidence? Have I just said that? Appoaching the Centauri.
80 clicks and closing.
Nice and easy, man Hang on, their retros have started up.
They've spotted us! Look at the accelleration of that thing! They're already halfway across the sector! The Centauri can travel at speeds that we can only dream of Most ice cream vans can travel at speeds we can only dream of We're never gonna catch them now.
We've lost Kryten.
Okay, turn the thrusters to maximum speed on a bearing Q23 stroke J80.
This is the opposite direction to the Centauri, full speed! Precisely.
Well, why do we wanna do that? It's totally insane.
So why do we wanna do it then? The only reason I can think of is if we've planted something on the Centauri and we knew it was gonna blow any second.
They've turned around and started tracking us! What a fluke! Getting an incoming someone's beaming on board cargo bay! We know about the bomb.
So we did plant a bomb! I was beginning to wonder.
Where did you hide it!? Speak! Or you'll spend the rest of the day picking bits of charred mech out of your clothing.
Er, can I change into dungarees? Hand over Kryten and we'll tell ya.
Clearly, I need to prove myself Kryten, that file in your CPU; the one you've never been able to access The password is '4X2C' Hang on a minute It's about your creator, Kryten, Dr Mammett.
Kryten, no! Acessing now No! It can't be true It can't The truth is in there, that's what turned me into a 'zoney.
Who's next? The Cat? Or the woman? Choose, heads or tails? Heads! Right, lets send them back to their ship and get the hell out of 'ere before they get their smeg together! Kryten, man, what's wrong? You look sadder than the salad you get with a takaway shaami kebab.
Tell me what you found out about your creator.
I can't, sir, it's too terrible.
Kryten, me and you are amigos; you've gotta tell me.
Oh, it's so humiliating! Tell me about Professor Mammett! Well, she was due to marry John Warburton, a fellow bio-engineer.
He jilted her the day before their wedding, so she decided to create a droid in his image, a pompous, ridiculous-looking, mother-hen clucking, irascible buffoon.
What happenned to this droid? That droid, sir, is me! Pompous? Ridiculous-looking? Mother-hen clucking? Oh yeah, I see now We're all John Warburton, sir, the entire Well, judging from the length of your groinal attachment, you can see why she was so sad to lose him As part of the joke, all my negative emotions, jealousy, anger, are stored on a special file; my 'negadrive'.
Now, when this file gets full it blows! Just like he used to.
All your resentment's in this thing? It's so small.
Oh, don't be fooled by that, sir.
This box contains the greatest concentration of anger, jealousy and resentment outside a BAFTA awards ceremony! Able felt betrayed, lost all his self-esteem; it's what turned him to ultrazone.
He told me, he's promised to quit.
How could Mammett have done this? Kryten, you may have started out as a joke, but you've grown, you've changed.
Look how different you are to Able.
If Mammett came in here now, I bet she wouldn't even recognise you.
I've evolved? You bet.
I've become something that's beyond a joke? Too right, man.
There's something coming in from the starboard bow! The Sim's back; he's got a lock on! Reverse thrust - go! Five, niner, seven.
Missed, but still locked on! Right, I'm taking us into that asteroid belt.
Oh, not an asteroid belt! Is that a problem? It sure is! Everything tips from side to side, and my hair gets all messed up! So what do we do? Stay here and get splattered? Rather that than me looking like Tina Turner! I'm taking us in.
Once we're in the belt, we'll have to maintain ship and engine silence 'till he's convinced we're not there.
I know you're in that belt somewhere One little mistake and you're mine The mistake is made What happenned, man!? I dunno, I don't know nothin'! Clear out of here! Leave him to me! Oh, I think I may have pressed the wrong button You have jeapordised the lives of the entire crew, breaking the most basic, fundamental command codes! I'm sorry - I didn't mean nuthin' This dude's real mad, we don't stand a chance! I can't throw him off; nothing's working, I'm using every trick I know to distract him! Pity we can't all moon out of the starboard portholes! That always works for me! Wait! Someone's left the ship, an escape pod! It's Able! It's heading towards the Sim's ship.
Why, that slimy, double-crossing, two-faced piece of scum! He's no brother of mine! He's fired something at them Some sort of energy field looks heavy.
The negadrive! He's used my negadrive energy and re-routed it through the escape pod's thrusters.
The Simulant ship is engulfed in all my negativity.
It's all 'opeless! Nobody loves me; I'm so ugly! I never get invited to parties! I 'ate this ship! I 'ate everything! Able's pod just crash-landed.
He threw his life away to save us and we hardly knew him With your permission, sirs, ma'am, I should like to recover the body and perform last rites.
Do you need a hand, Kryts? He ain't heavy, sir, he's my brother.