Red Dwarf Episode Scripts

N/A - Nanarchy

Last week, something terrible happenned to Mr Lister's arm! Watch this! Hey guys, check this out! There's a woman in there! I've been tongue-hockeyed to death! Sir, you know how you told us all to work on a solution to Mr Epideme, no matter how drastic? Yeah, what have you got, Kryts? My left arm, I said! That's my right; what kind of navigation officer can't tell left from right? We did the best we could; I am so sorry.
Mr Lister, sir, you're awake! Buddy, you look great! Oh, bravo, sir! You see, there's no need for despondency; you can still play the guitar! Yeah, look on the bright side at least now I'm only half crap We should still count all our blessings, sir.
Kryten's right.
I'm going to the loo.
I don't actually need to go now, but seeing as it takes me forty five minutes to unbutton m' fly, I should probably make a start Do you need a hand.
? Oh my god! I'm sorry, I didn't mean that sorry, I didn't Sorry.
Sorry! SORRY! Sorry.
Biscuit, sir? Please.
Another bik-bik? Yes, please.
? what are you doing? I'm just dunking bikkies, ma'am.
It's another of life's joys, of which poor Mr Lister has been robbed.
Isn't that right, sir? Could you give my nose a tweak? I've got a bit of an itch.
Why can't you itch it yourself? You've still got one arm.
Is that better, sir? Yeah, a bit.
Kryten, I told you before: he wants to be independant.
He doesn't need you running around after him like he's some kind of invalid.
But he does, he does! Don't you, sir? Another slurp of tea, sir? Oh, this is making me sick.
Take no notice of her, sir.
It's nearly suppertime.
Chuckie-eggs tonight, sir, which your toast cut up into little, tiny, weeny, bite-sized soldiers of varying ranks.
Thanks, Kryts, but maybe I can cut up my own toast? Oh, just like you asked for, sir.
Asked for.
? Now just remember, sir: Kryten knows best! I wanna stretch me legs take a walk around the ship.
Just opening the door for you, sir.
There we go, the door's open, sir.
Just closing the door now, sir.
The door's closing, sir, the door's nearly closing, and it's closed, sir.
Florence Nightingdroid could I have a word? Certainly, ma'am.
Look, deep down I'm a big softie.
The first time I saw Gone With The Wind I went through a whole box of tissues.
'Now Voyager', I was so choked up I couldn't speak for twenty minutes.
I'll make a note, ma'am 'Now Voyager'.
Worth keeping on stand-by Carry on, ma'am! I'm saying, I'm not a heartless bitch.
So you'll understand that what I'm about to say isn't easy: Back off Lister, let him learn to cope on his own, it's the only way.
I don't understand, ma'am.
By helping him, you're not helping him.
But if it wasn't for me he wouldn't even be wearing underpants! Have you ever heard of something called 'tough love'? Does it involve dressing up? No.
It means, sometimes to help a person you have to get tough! Make them stand on their own two feet, or in Lister's case, one hand! I see.
So you think it's time to let him start brushing his own teeth again? I do, yes.
I also think it's time you built him an artificial arm and gave him the chance not to be so dependant on you.
I was meaning to get around to that, ma'am, but, what with being on twenty-four hour 'wipe alert', I haven't had time! 'Wipe alert'? No! Don't even tell me what that means.
I have a feeling I know, and if I'm right, it's the grossest thing I have ever heard! I mean his mouth I help him get rid of the crumbs around his mouth.
? Yeah that's what I thought And it's absolutely gross! Mouth crumbs eurgh! Disgusting.
Right, now this is a copy of the standard model from the 21st century.
Er, comfortable, sir? It's fine, yeah.
Okay, now let's recap: the limb is connected to neurons which run up to the left hemisphere of your brain, which controls the right side of your body.
Now, all you have to do is merely command the arm to do something, and it obeys.
Now, let's practice.
Right, concentrate, sir.
I want you to think: "arm, pick up the ball".
Now just think: "I will pick up the ball" I will pick up the ball.
That's right, good, now, concentrate.
I will pick up the ball.
Okay, now really think: Hand, pick up the ball.
That's right, that's right.
Hand, pick up the ball.
Hand, pick up the ball! that's right, now keep going, sir! Pick up the ball! Now, focus down onto that and keep the thought, sir! Hand, pick up the ball! That's right, sir, now keep going, now really think, now.
Hand, pick up the ball! Now let's really get it going, sir! Pick up the ball! Pick up the ball! REALLY START TO GO NOW, SIR! HAND, PICK UP THE BALL, NOW LET'S KEEP MOVING! KEEP ON, SIR, YOU CAN DO IT! HAND, PICK UP THE BALL! YOU'RE GOING TO MOVE THAT HAND, SIR! YOU'RE GOING TO MOVE IT! MOVE THE HAND, SIR! HAND! PICK UP THE BALL! PICK UP THE BALL! YES SIR! YES! WE'RE STARTING TO MOVE, NOW! YES! IT'S DEFINITELY MOVING, SIR! YES! Oh! Bravo, sir! Oh! The sweat's dripping off me! Oh, that was fantastic, sir! Absolutely marvellous, it worked like a dream! Is that it? Well, er, how do you mean, sir? Is that the best it works? In what way? If I want to pick up a ball, am I going to have to take the morning off? It was a tad slow, I'm forced to admit.
A tad? The only thing I've ever seen pick up slower is Rimmer in a disco.
Well, maybe if I adjust the impulse valve it might make it a little more sensitive.
Okay, let's try again: "Hand, pick up the ball".
Okay hand, pick up, the ball.
Okay right well, er, let's try again.
Okay? Now: "Hand, pick up the ball".
Hand, pick up the ball.
I think, sir, there's a lot of anger inside you, and that's what's driving the arm.
I don't feel angry.
? Well, you've lost your arm, sir, you've every right to feel angry.
I don't! I promise, I don't! Ah well, you see, it's subconscious.
You're thinking "hand, pick up the ball", but your subconscious is saying "punch Kryten in the head; beat the brains out of the demented droid that cut off my beloved arm".
Am I right? Kryten, that's rubbish! You're right! It's controlled by my subconscious! It's far too dangerous to let you out with that arm, sir.
Two minutes with Miss Kochanski and who knows what you'd be swinging around your head! There must be a solution to this.
Hey, half-eaten lollipop head: what about one of your spares? Wha'd'ya say, motherboarder? Too heavy, sir.
With the strain and extra weight it would be impossible for Mr Lister even to get it up.
He could always take it off if he was going on a date.
Can someone take him outside and do something to him? Ideally involving icecubes and any puckered body cavity.
Wait a minute what about your self-repair system? Can't that help? Ma'am? When you have a mechanical failure, it fixes itself, doesn't it? The Kryten back in my dimension had these tiny little robots sub-atomic.
? Nanobots.
They break objects down into their component atoms and then recombine those atoms to repair damaged circuits.
Er, just for me: could you run that by me one more time, but this time do the big writing version, with pictures.
One word per page? Let me think of a cogent paradigm I'd rather have a good example.
? This, is a lead pencil.
It's made of graphite, which is a particular arrangement of carbon atoms.
This is diamond, it too is made of carbon atoms.
Nanobots can rearrange atoms so they could take this lead pencil, move the atoms around a bit, and turn it into diamond.
It's possible to make diamonds out of pencils? It's also possible to make computer chips out of sand.
So, what happens if we transferred some of your nanobots into Dave? Wouldn't they be able to build him a new arm from his excess body tissue? Unfortunately, ma'am, it's not possible, no.
Why not? I no longer have any nanobots, sir.
They deserted me.
When and where I can't be exactly certain.
But if we were to find these nanobots, could they build me a new arm? Oh, but finding them would be close to impossible, sir.
It would be like looking for a needle in a male student's flat.
When was the last repair they made? When we were on the Esperanto, just before we met the Despair Squid.
That was ages ago; before we lost the Dwarf.
That's why I've given up hope of ever finding them.
Let's set a course back to the Esperanto.
But I promise you it's futile, sir.
I'll start preparing the suspended animation booths Hang on a minute, we're not there where the smeg are we? The computer's brought us out of Deep Sleep early, it must have picked up something.
Maybe it's something to do with this planetoid directly ahead? Just scanning, sir.
No, that's ridiculous What is? It's not even worth mentioning, ma'am.
Er, must be a scanner fault.
What? Again? What is it, man? You look shakier than a silicon implant ward during an earthquake.
Well, according to all our scanners, that planetoid out there is Red Dwarf Bahh, must be on the blink.
Of course it's on the blink! We're talking about the same piece of equipment that last month detected a planet entirely populated by air hostesses.
We spent two weeks checking that out.
I knew we gave up to soon! It was worth at least one more week.
However, there is one additional factor.
Which is.
? That we've been here before.
Of course we have, it's the cockpit, dummy! We come here all the time.
In this sector of the galaxy, sir Doesn't it look familiar? Kryten, it's space.
Black with twinkly bits.
It all looks familiar.
If you look to the port side, sir, that planet in the distance is the ocean world where we discovered the Esperanto.
That was just before we lost Red Dwarf are you thinking what I'm thinking? I'm thinking wearing leather underpants with silver studs is a real mistake if you put them on inside out.
What are you thinking? Me? I'm thinking about a wooden mallet, you and icecubes, again.
This planetoid, let's check it out.
According to the weather scan it's beautiful down there.
Tropical temperatures, not a cloud in sight! Suggest we dress for snow and take the buggy.
Okay, I'm gonna take some readings and grab some soil samples.
Looks kinda blowy.
It's an electric storm, whooshing the sand about.
You can say that again.
There must be more electricity out there than the surge that went through the national grid during the commercial break in the Olympic all-girls custard wrestling finals! Phew! It's impossible out there! Do you need some different goggles? No, I need a comb! Sweet? Yeah, thanks.
Here, have another one I can do it.
Look, don't be silly, let me.
I can do it, really.
I'm not an idiot.
Can I ask you a question? Now that I've got no arm does it, does it make any difference to anything? I mean, if you were a female pit bull terrier, how would you feel about a three-legged - Does it make any difference to well, plucking any old relationship out of the air, us? Dave, before you lost your arm, I thought you were a no-good, disgusting bum.
And I still do.
So, no, none at all.
I need to know, is this going to make any difference to women? Losing an arm isn't going to make any difference to any woman who cares about you.
Okay? - Really? - Really.
What about sex? Not here, it's too sandy.
How'd you get on? Take a look.
This sand these atoms didn't start out as sand atoms! They've been engineered, nanobotically! From what? Computer chips, you name it! According to the particle analyser, this planetoid's Red Dwarf Where are you going?! I'm gonna need some help! There's a lot of stuff out there, looks like it might be worth checking out! What stuff? Hey, it feels like the storm's easing off! Come and see for yourself! Oh, I was beginning to worry.
! Oh! What on earth is this? The whole damn planetoid's packed with stuff from Red Dwarf.
Supplies, bunks, drinks dispensers, you name it.
It's like a giant car boot sale! I think we got some valuable stuff! What napkin rings? A box of hairnet requisition forms? A motorised tie rack and an inflatable shark.
? What a haul There must be some useful stuff I couldn't see what I was getting All right, dudes? What the smeg are you doing here, Hol? Those little wotsits Nanobots? They remolicurised they remolic they remol anyway, they did that word that I can't say to the whole ship, and left all the bits they didn't want on that planetoid! What, they fixed your core program, and then decided they'd be better off without you? Yeah, it was shortly after they'd met me.
Well, from one machine to another: welcome back online, Holly! What's happenned to him.
? That's quite horrific, isn't it? What was it, a cheap razor? It's just not worth buying them from garages, is it.
Don't you remember me? I'm Kryten.
Kryten? I'm sorry, mate, it's the way the light was shining on your what's the word? Face, I suppose.
Just didn't recognise you for a minute.
Never forget a face, usually, never.
It's good to see you again.
And you are.
? Unbelievable dumped on a planet in the middle of an electro-storm, and left to rot for hundreds of years, and the guy's lost nothin'.
So, while we were on the Esperanto, your nanobots mutinied and took over Red Dwarf? They wanted a ship.
In my body there was nothing new to explore, but Red Dwarf itself was far too big.
But they're nanobots; they can change anything into anything else.
Yeah, they can take a Pot Noodle and turn it into food! So, they took Red Dwarf, made a sub-atomic version, and turned the rest of the atoms into a planetoid for safekeeping? Well what was it we spent months chasing? What was producing that vapour trail? Red Dwarf.
Did someone just turn over two pages at once? We were chasing the nano-Red Dwarf, that's why the readings were so minute and hard to pinpoint.
So, now, they could be anywhere? You pursued them across half the galaxy.
Until we finally lost track of the readings, probably because of a scanner malfunction That, or they went somewhere out of the reach of your scanners.
But we were gaining on them, bud.
How could they out run us? Scanners are programmed to scan on the outside.
To escape, they just had to stop.
You mean, the nanos could be in here.
? On board Starbug somewhere? Hey he could be right.
He's back kicking bottom, or what? Re-calibrating scanner, sir.
Performing internal sweep.
What are you getting.
? Nothing yet just two piece of Bombay aloa you dropped several millenia ago down the service ducts, where they appear to evolved a rudimentary intelligence and formed a progressive folk duo.
Keep going.
Narrowing parameters.
Oh oh my you were right, sir.
i think we've found them.
Where? They're there, okay.
So Red Dwarf spent the last two years exploring strange new worlds in my laundry basket? Of course! The ship is now so small that, to the nanos, a hole in one of your athletic supports is at least the size of a galaxy! Hey, I like the sound of that: Dave Lister, the man with the galaxy-sized jockstrap! The little scamps! It's the oldest trick in the book: capture your ship, turn it into a planet, then explore a macro universe in a laundry basket.
How could you fall for an old scam like that? Ma'am, can you tell me if the readings change? Same.
Still the same.
Still the same! They've changed! Heh! Nailed the little blighters! After all the embarassment they've caused me! Kris, see if you can find a frequency to establish contact.
? Leave it to me, sir.
I know how to make contact Can you hear me, you pesky little critters? We want our ship back, and we want a new arm for Mr Lister! Are you receiving me? Aha, we have contact They're communicating in machine code; leave the talking to me.
Have you any idea what you've done? Deserting your droid, you've broken every reg in the manual! And to compound matters by stealing our ship, it's unbelievably.
! Er it's unbelievably.
! Naughty! Now, listen up, here's the deal: we want that planetoid turned back into Red Dwarf, and we also want you to build a new arm for Mr Lister.
If you don't, you'll get more of this So they'll really manufacture me a new arm, from my existing skin and bone tissue? I've got them worked up into such a frenzy, sir, they'll do anything I say! Where are they? Here.
On the tip of my finger, sir.
Millions and millions of them.
All I have to do now is insert them into your body.
What with? Hyperdermic, sir.
Thank god for that I can't bear to look has it worked? Someone tell me! Let's all turn around, after three.
One - two - three! Did it work? It's been a one hundred percent success, sir.
In fact, it's been a five hundred percent success! In fact, they've Well, if that's all, sir, I think I'll retire for the evening, good night! Release me, Kris, I've got to see it.
They probably didn't mean any harm I think they were trying to make up for before we'll, get them to have another go, okay? AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGHHH! Riiiiight! Nice re-build! Those nano-dudes have done a real neat job Hey, it seems even bigger than I remember Errr, guyyys we've got a problem.