Red Dwarf Episode Scripts

N/A - Cassandra

What happened to my life? Career, prospects, friends, I had everything and I threw it all away.
It's a tragedy.
What are you on about? You had none of that stuff.
You're right, I had none of that stuff.
I had absolutely nothing and I threw it all away.
It's an even bigger tragedy! What's this? Canary outfits and first meeting information.
I volunteered for the Canaries.
Some bloke came round the machine shop so I signed up.
The Canaries? Yeah, y'know, a bit of close-part harmony, and you should see the list of privileges you get; unbelievable.
You don't know what the Canaries are, do you? Of course I do: a singing group, acappella "You are the sunshine of my life, ooo-ooh, that's why I'll always be around" They're nothing to do with singing, are they? Holly lied to me, didn't he? Oh hey, he was taking the smeg.
Oh Listy! Listy, Listy, Listy! Well go on then, what've I signed up for? In the nineteenth century, when miners went down a pit, they'd lower a canary down first in a little cage - What, and make them do some mining? They were sick in the nineteenth century, weren't they, eh? I mean, how much coal can a little canary get? And if the atmosphere was noxious, as it frequently was, guess what the canary did.
Complained to the foreman? It died, Listy.
The canary's job was to go into the most dangerous, unpleasant and smeggy situations and see if it could stay alive.
Then they'd know if it was safe to send in the important people.
Oh, I'm gonna kill him! How come you've never heard of the Canaries? They've got recruitment posters all over the men's bogs! How come you've not seen them? When I'm in the men's toilets in prison, Rimmer, I tend not to look around, y'know what I'm saying? It's like playing golf: I concentrate on my grip, keep my eye on the ball and try not to veer off to the side! They haven't got an X chromosome to share between them! Smeg! It gets worse as well.
Worse! Go on.
I've signed you up, too.
I forged your signature, I thought I was doing you a favour.
Me! Why?! I've signed us all up.
Kryten, Kris, everyone! No way! No way! No way am I becoming a Canary! It's a great honour for floor thirteen, for today we are visited by Captain Hollister, who has a special assignment.
At last, some action! I've been going mental all this time, cooped up, not killing nothing.
Yes! Kill Crazy, shut up, you punk! Okay, listen up.
We've located a ship, the SSS Silverburg, buried at the bottom of an ocean moon.
A remote probe has come back with no signs of a crew, no bodily remains, no skeletons, zip.
We want you guys to go on board and, ah, find out why.
A- one, a-two, a-one-two-three-four: "You are the sunshine of my life, ooo-ooh, that's why I'll always be around" Rimmer! Sorry, sir, we seem to have wandered into the wrong hobby group, we'll leave immediately.
Go! Rimmer! You're here, and this is where you'll stay, now get on with it.
Yes, sir, thank you, sir.
You heard what the warden said, he wants us to get on with it.
From the top! "You are the sunshine of my life" Rimmer! Sorry, sir, when you said get on with it I thought you meant - Shut up! You're a Canary, man! A member of the toughest convict army this side of Pluto.
I've seen custard factories that aren't as yellow as you are! Start behaving like a man.
A man, sir, yes, of course, sir, a man a man.
Perhaps if you could remind me, sir, it will all come back? Continue, Captain.
It's inconceivable a ship like this could be sent out without a crew, so whatever devoured the crew, bones and all, might still be there, so be careful.
Let's go kill something! YESSSSS! I hope its got, like, big teeth and claws and, like, loads of heads.
Yeah! Great! Here we go! At last! Yeah! Okay, stay together, keep 'em peeled.
- What's that! - What? Where? It's moving, shaking from side to side like a leaf! I think that's your shadow, sir.
Located the mainframe, maybe it can tell us something.
Good evening, Arnold.
I've been looking forward to your arrival so very much.
How do you know my name? My name is Cassandra.
I am a computer with the ability to predict the future with an accuracy rating of 100%.
Bless you.
'Bless you'? What do you mean 'bless you'? You need a tissue; Kris has one in her left-hand pocket.
She says "would you like this?"; you say "thanks".
- Would you like this? - Thanks.
"Extraordinary".
Extraordinary.
"The questions we can ask, it can tell us our future".
The questions we can ask, it can tell us our future.
"But how does it work? The future's not 'appened yet".
.
.
I'm not gonna say that.
I never said you would.
But how does it work? The future's not 'appened yet.
Although you do.
Smeg.
Let's ask her a question about the future.
A biggie Okay, Cassandra, do we ever get back to Earth? Has the human race survived? Do I ever find my singing tie-pin? Look, do we want to know all this stuff about the future? I mean, do we want to know, for example, how and when we die? Kris is right.
Something like that could mess your life up forever.
Cassandra, I have a question.
I know, Arnold, because I know the rest of this conversation.
So, what's the answer? He chokes to death, aged one-hundred and eighty-one, trying to remove a bra with his teeth.
What was the question? I just asked how you died.
You what? I didn't want to know that! Who's bra? A hundred and eighty-one? Probably your own! Come on, no.
Taking a bra off with m' teeth, aged one-hundred and eighty-one.
That's a hell of a sexy way to go! So long as the teeth are in your mouth at the time, sir.
I'm really screwed up, now.
I never wanted to know that; know how I die.
It's completely spoiled the surprise! Kryten, this is where you share your theory with your crew-mates.
I have a theory, everyone.
The Silverburg didn't crash, did it, Cassandra? The ship was sent here by the Space Corps.
on auto-pilot to get rid of you; to abandon you at the bottom of a lunar sea, in the depths of Deep Space.
That's brilliant, bud! How'd you work that out? I read it on this mission directive, here.
So, there was no dead bodies on board because the ship didn't have a crew.
A computer that unerringly predicts the future - "Is a dangerous thing indeed" Is a dangerous er, yes, precisely.
We, um, should be making tracks.
I'm afraid that that's not going to happen.
The bulkhead's just given away and we're shipping water at a thousand gallons a second.
All the Canaries will be dead within one hour, except for Rimmer - Yes! Who will be dead in 20 minutes.
Only Lister, Kryten, the Cat and Kochanski survive.
What happens to Rimmer? He has a heart attack, brought on by the stress of knowing he's going to die, and collapses; collapses during a conversation with me in nineteen minutes and thirty-one seconds.
I don't believe you, I simply don't believe you.
We shall see, or rather, you shall see; I have already seen All the hairs on the back of my neck are standing on end! Mine too, but not just the ones on the back of my neck; it's one up, all up! Kryten, replay out meeting with Cassandra in your CPU and tell me if, at any point, anyone ever called me 'Rimmer'.
What? At no point throughout the meeting did anyone refer to you as 'Rimmer'.
In fact, we barely looked you.
That's just what I thought! Cassandra said "Rimmer dies", but it doesn't necessarily follow that that means me! Who does it mean then, your dad? Look, Cassandra doesn't know the future, she sees pictures of it.
She could have seen some other guy die of a heart attack; someone she's been told is called Rimmer.
He's right.
All I have to do is find someone I can introduce to Cassandra as 'Rimmer' and it'll be them that stiffs out and not me! Such lowlife conniving; its impossible not to be impressed! What I wouldn't give to have your weasel gene, sir! Now wait a minute! Oh look, here's Mister Knot You made this area secure? Yes, sir, Mister Knot, sir.
Coffee, sir? I've been asked by the Captain to inspect the mainframe, where is it? You idiot! What the hell do you think you're doing? Please, have my jacket, I insist! Then I shall lead you to Cassandra.
There we are, sir, a perfect fit, sir.
Lead the way, Rimmer.
Don't call me 'Rimmer'! That's your name Yes, but 'Rimmer'.
.
it's so full of nobility and quiet courage; call me 'arsewipe' or 'fishbreath', but not 'Rimmer', sir, never 'Rimmer', sir.
Okay, arsewipe, whatever you say.
Now where's the mainframe! Hello Arnold, bang on time.
I've brought you a visitor, Cassandra.
Do you know his name? Yes, I do.
Not - - What? - Not - 'Knot'? - Let me finish! Not that it matters what his name is, I mean, our relationship doesn't last very long.
I understand you have the ability to predict - the future, yes, I do.
- A hundred percent reli - able, yes.
What happens to me; do I get back to Earth? No, you die in about four seconds' time of a heart attack after hearing the news that you're going to die of a heart attack.
You filthy ly - Ack! Poor Rimmer.
Yes, poor old 'Rimmer'.
My name is not - Your name is not what? Knot! Not Knot.
.
! Is he dead now? I'm afraid so.
Yes! He died of a massive coronary, just as I prophesied.
Yes! You seem inordinately happy, Arnold, but why? You're going to die too.
But you said - I just I'm gonna die too? I already told you: Rimmer dies of a heart attack, and then you and all the other Canaries die too; all except Lister, Kryten, Kochanski and the Cat.
I've seen it.
That's as well as maybe, but have you seen this? Yes I'm afraid I have You were right, there's nothing I can do.
According to Cassandra, our future is decided and we four survive.
Therefore, while we're here, we cannot die.
Regard: Duck sir! Duck again, sir! Just as i thought.
So, in other words, if I What was that for!? You can't die! Yeah, but I can still feel pain, you smegger! So how about this: we use our 'powers of invulnerability', which will last until we return to Red Dwarf, and surround Mister Rimmer, escort him up to the Obs.
deck, and into the diving bell? The diving bell! We've made it! Where did he go? Yo! Hear that? Water Kris, take cover, the water's coming! Quick, the diving bell! Great, everything's above us is flooded, and now we're back down in the bowels again with Cassandra! It's coming true.
My death! It's all coming true.
You tried to cheat the future and failed, as I knew you would.
So what happens now? How How do I die? Lister catches you making love to Kochanski and shoots you through the head with a harpoon gun.
Can you just double-check that? I've seen it, it's what happens.
In the old laundry room.
So let me just repeat what I think you're saying Arnold, that's me, and Kochanski, that's the woman, the really attractive one you saw earlier; me and her were in bed, giving it rizz, when Lister, that's the short, dumpy one with the stupid haircut, walks in and shoots me through the head while I'm making love with Kochanski? That is what is going to happen.
Fantastic! I can't believe what you're telling me.
.
! I can scarcely believe it myself.
I mean, obviously, you're incredibly attractive; I never thought you'd look at me twice! Neither did I! But, apparently, were gonna make love.
Unbe-smegging-lieviable or what? It's not warm in here, fancy a wee nip? No, no, no, no.
But, why would I want to sleep with you? I mean, it doesn't make any sense.
Maybe you get blind drunk? Well that doesn't excuse my other four senses! Right, barely an hour to go, shall we get started? I mean, let's face it, you can't change the future.
Sadly.
But, you said, you could Yeah, I've changed my mind now.
Look, are you sure you wouldn't like to play the opera game, instead? Kris, it's what Cassandra saw.
You can't cheat fate.
Well, you just watch me, because there's no way on earth that I'm climbing out of my clothes, and clambering into that bed.
My clothes are soaking! Why don't you take them off, and dry them on the heater? It's coming true, it's all coming true It's coming true, it's all coming true! Bud, you can't go back there! Cassandra said Kris survives, and the only way that's gonna happen is if someone goes back in and saves her.
Chuck'us the harpoon gun, will you.
I'm not sure about this.
This is the first time I've ever been seduced by predeterminism theory.
One hour exactly Oh bloody, buggering hell! Tonight must be the night they put the clocks forward! I've got it! That's more than I did.
I've worked it all out.
I never get any breaks, ever! Twenty seconds later you could've been on top and I could've used you as a human shield.
I must have been mad, what the hell was I thinking? I felt sorry for you! Look, will you shut up and listen to me? No! Why aren't you mad that I'm in bed with him? 'Cos i know why you're in bed with him.
and I also know that i don't kill him.
Aw, but Cassandra promised Cassandra made that up to force you two together.
So that you'd feel sorry for him, and hopefully end up sleeping with him.
So why did she say she saw it happen? To try and make it happen.
But why? To try and punish me! Punish you? Why? 'Cos Cassandra knows, and has always known, how she dies.
She's trying to make me suffer now for something that I'm destined to do in the future You kill her, don't you? That's why she hates you.
Because she knows you're going got kill her.
That's what this whole thing was about.
Kryten figured it out.
Kryten figured it out, did he? Good old Kryten.
But did he really have to figure it out quite so damn fast? Would it have killed him to take thirty minutes longer? Ten minutes even? Two would have done.
I'm gonna take care of the rest of it now.
I'll, erm - see you two lovebirds later Look, thanks for being with me tonight.
I can't think of anyone I'd rather share my final hour with than you, and I really mean that.
I'm not all bad, in fact, sometimes I'm quite sweet and sensitive Bye.
- By the way? - Mm-hm? Is it okay if I keep these? If the future's all worked out, horoscopes, all that stuff, it means we're not responsible for anything we do.
It means we're just actors saying lines in a script written by someone else.
I don't wanna believe that.
I wanna believe I'm in charge of my own life, my own destiny; so I'm not gonna kill you, Cassandra.
I'm out of here.
But you do kill me, I've seen it.
Tomorrow's a new day.
A fresh page in a book that's not been written yet.
What happens in the future is up to me, not some 'predetermined destiny' smeg.
I'll see you, kid-eh.
Smeg.
Smeg