Red Dwarf Episode Scripts

N/A - Krytie TV

The post's arrived.
Brilliant; a bit of excitement at last.
Good, eh? It's a beaut.
One of the structured collepsed on m' bed.
I think it was those beans.
Oh, the mail.
Haven't had a chance to look.
Anything from my mates? Something catastophic, hideous.
He's found your guitar in Starbug's wreckage and he's sending it here.
Brilliant! Are you okay? Of course I'm not okay! I hate your guitar! If I wanted to share a cell with an irritating lump of wood I'd have moved in with an Australian soap star.
Hey-hey! The axe-man is back! You beaut! Hang on! There's no strings! They've confiscated the strings! I feel like a man who leaps out of a plane with no parachute and lands in the hot-tub at the Playboy mansion.
Why would they take my strings.
.
? It doesn't make sense Prison regs.
You're not allowed anything you can hang yourself with.
I wouldn't want to hang myself if I had my guitar strings.
I think they were thinking of me.
Maybe my luck's changing at last, a break.
Oh, by the way; I forgot: for you.
"Because of the nature of your crime", blah - blah - blah - blah - blah, whr - wh - wh - wh - wh, "we are willing to review your case"! "For this process to be successful you would need a record of good behaviour, and accept the consequence that a successful appeal would mean similar amnesty for prisoner colleagues in your situation.
" Yess! You don't know what it's like, being classified as a woman, sir.
The humiliation.
I know, I know.
I mean, why should I, a Series the turgid monotony of showering with the girls? Three times a week! Tell me that! It's not fair, I know! It's just that - You shower with the girls? Oh! It's so hideously dull I can't describe it, as they stand around soaping themselves.
Their bodies all wet and foamy.
Can you imagine it? Oh my goodness, we've been frozen in time again! Hello? Extraordinary! It must be a warp in the time-space continuum! How curious it isn't affecting me Oi, droid-boy, oi; next time you're in the showers, why don't you y'know smuggle in a camera and film 'em, eh? Yeah, that'd be brilliant! Oi, I haven't seeen a naked woman since well, ever.
Yeah, I'd pay you wha'd'ya say? No, I forbid it! Yeah, me - What? It's voyeuristic, exploitative, and immature.
All right, who are you? And what have you done with our Rimmer? Gentlemen, allow me to clarify my position.
Morally speaking, using a hidden camera in the women's showers, taking shots of them sudding themselves with mounds of foam, without their permission, morally speaking, I'm speaking morally here, I'm all in favour! However, Listy has been invited to appeal and a scam like this could ruin it.
Appeal? Yeah, I'm appealing.
That's a minority view.
Look, if he's successful, we can all be successful.
We've just got to be model prisoners.
Screw his appeal! I wanna see skin! Yeah! Wha'd'ya say, bird-tray head? Are you asking me to betray the people I live with? To ignore their humanity and reduce them to mindless sex objects, merely there for your moronic titilation? Yes, please! If you'll excuse me, I forgot who I was for a moment.
Wait, what you doing? I'm a woman, and proud of it.
If you'll excuse me, I'll with my fellow sisters, doing it for ourselves! I'm going to make this quick, and easy.
Last night, on D-wing, I was beaten up, and mugged.
You have one chance.
I'm going to turn the lights off for precisely ten seconds, during which I want whover took it to return my glass eye.
Kill the lights.
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six - I'm glad to see good sense prevailed.
I have a date with Miss Patricia Carling from Supplies on Saturday night.
She thinks my eyes are my best feature.
If I go like this, I'M ONLY HALF LOVELY! If it's not returned within thirty seconds; all Canary priviliges suspended.
One month.
I know who stole your left peeper, sir.
It was him, sir.
I saw him playing marbles with it this morning, sir.
Thank you, Rimmer.
Have you gone mad? You don't rat on other inmates, its an unwritten law.
Look if it helps the appeal, what else matters? 'Model prisoners'? Would the sky really fall in if people just tidied up a little? Good evening.
Tonight's scheduled feature has been cancelled, and replaced with a special, live, pay-per-view event brought to you courtesy of "Krytie TV"! Transmitting live via my optical receptors, we bring you live, and lithe, Womens Shower Night! Are they really gonna show this? No way! This is a joke, right? This isn't- Oh, momma You know what this means, don't you? There is a God? They got to him, they reprogrammed Kryten.
If we get caught watching this your appeal's dead in the water.
Forget the appeal.
I already have! What about Kris? She's never gonna believe I wasn't involved in this! We've gotta stop it.
You're right, I want no part of this.
- Me neither.
- We've gotta go.
Right now.
Not a minute to lose.
I'm dust.
Me too.
After two.
One, two, go! And now, I'm gonna stare at a cracked floor tile.
What's he doing that for!? Remember, Shower Night is a pay-per-view event.
Start filling those buckets! I can't believe this, he's running it like a business! There's even a bloke over there selling ice-creams.
Never mind him.
Now.
We've gotta go, right now.
I'm going, I'm going.
But now, lets get up-close and personal with one of the shower-ees, Miss Kristine Kochanski Fancy a choc-ice? Okay; splendid.
Later.
Mister Kryten; visitor, sir.
Kryten.
Look, I know Kill-Crazy's reprogrammed you; turned you into a ruthless entrepreneur, but I think I know how to change you back.
Well, keep it to yourself, sir.
I'll make it worth your while Can't you see what it's done to you? It's made me rich, feared and respected.
I'm loving every minute of it! I've just bought the rights to the five-a-side soccer tournament today; tomorrow, I'm hoping to get the boxing.
Ahhhh, Miss Kochanski! Good to have you back, I have a little gift for you Ooh, another one? Nothing's too good for you, ma'am! You know you were worried about picking up verrucas in the shower room? Well, I have the perfect solution; a waterproof pogo stick.
This has got to stop.
But the pogo stick could put the ratings through the roof, sir! Think of the money! Think of the show! I'm crazy about her! I'm not gonna let you do this.
Do what? How do you think Kryten got all this? "Shower Night Live".
Oh God, is he paying some of the girls to do this? Who's that with the sponge? That's me! It replaced the Wednesday night movie.
I saw the whole thing; all three terrible hours of it.
It was awful.
Is that the time? I've got a merchandising meeting in two minutes.
Heh, excuse me! You are dead, nickel-hydrate breath! And you! What have I done? You were there for three hours of it! Yeah, but I didn't enjoy it! I was outraged.
Why do you think I only had one choc-ice? How could you go along with this? I'm only human.
You were completely naked, starkers, nude, in the buff, totally kit-less, no clothes on! You've seen me with no clothes on when we went out! Yeah, but, I wanted to see if anything had changed.
Why didn't you just ask, instead of filming me in secret? Because you'll have said 'no'.
Not necessarily.
If I'd known it meant that much to you, that you needed to see me naked so badly, I wouldn't necessarily have said 'no'.
You wouldn't? No.
Well, we're friends aren't we? It never occured to me that I could just ask.
Oh, you're such a great friend.
I love being your friend.
Kris.
.
? No! Not now, and now, not ever! But you just said - We're not friends any more The girls found out about Shower Night.
They attacked me, cleaned out my system and kicked me out.
I've been reclassified as a man I feel terrible, sir, for endangering your appeal.
It's not your fault, Kryten, they got to you.
I presume you've heard the news about Miss Kochanski.
What news? - You haven't heard? - Heard what? - The news.
- What news? You haven't heard the news? Heard what news? No one's told you? Told me what? About Miss Kochanski? What about Miss Kochanski? About Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend, Tim.
What about Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend, Tim? - I can't believe you don't know! - Know what? No one told you? Told me what!? You mean to say that you're standing there blissfully unaware of the news about Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend, Tim? What news about Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend, Tim!? - I don't believe it.
- Believe what!? Psh, tsk, I'm so traumatised no one's had the guts to tell you the horrible, terrible, terrible, appallingly hideous, awful news! I'm not sure I can even speak now.
Kryten, there's a two hundred foot drop down there; now tell me the news.
Well, she's started going out with Tim again.
He's taking her to the Officer's Club tonight.
Her probation permits it, providing she's back by ten.
Ohhh.
This is all down to that shower thing, isn't it? You know what Tim's like, sir.
Impossibly handsome, oozes charm, a great lover.
And you're just you.
It's so unfair! You must feel awful.
Well I do now! God! You're taking this very well, sir.
I I'm really impressed.
No I'm not, man, I'm falling apart.
I know that, but I was just trying to cheer you up! What can I do? You've gotta deal with your grief, man.
Breakup is very much like a bereavement: its usually followed by a cremation and some sandwiches.
Look, they haven't seen each other for ages; they're only going out for a meal.
What's the worst thing that could happen? It's a tragedy.
What are you so bothered about? I thought you hated the idea of me and her getting it together? That was the old me, sir.
I've grown and matured since then.
No, the new me wants you to have children so I can iron those itty-bitty little socks! And you're not getting any younger, sir, and neither are your sperms.
I'm getting worried about those guys.
Any older and they'll need a Stanner stairlift to get up the fallopian tubes! So what do you propose? We nail that horny stag and get you and the divine Miss K together.
It's my way of saying 'sorry'.
But nothing that's going to endanger the appeal First, we sabotage the date.
What, 'we'? You mean you're gonna help me? Step on board the 'love express', sir! Now, we get to his quarters through the air vents; I've paid off the guards.
Then you make him look like the nerdiest slob in the entire universe: this is what you leave in his quarters - a half-eaten onion sandwich.
That's always a passion-killer.
Is it? I like those.
Then there's this: "Morris Dancer Monthly".
What a total dweebo, nerdmeister he'll look with those! They're mine! And then there's these: tragically unfashionable underpants.
They're mine! And finally: Christian rock music.
It that doesn't scare her off, nothing will.
Have you been going through my things? And not forgetting A pair of scissors? This is the piece de resistence "Frank Acissi and the Apostles" - "Hyms in Rock" - Some digestive biscuit The love assassin What Mister Lister doesn't know, of course, is he's been set up by Krytie TV! Shh! Here he comes now! Mister Lister! Kryten, is that you? You trashed that room because you believed Miss Kochanski was dating Tim, didn't you? What, you mean she isn't? Look who's quarters you really trashed You said the girls had restored you back to normal! Whoops! You've been Krytered! I've wrecked Ackerman's quarters! THE APPEAL! But the surprises haven't finished yet, here on Krytie TV, because Mister Ackerman and his red hot date are due back any second.
Sir, it's a race against time! Start cleaning that room! Sorry to keep droning on about this, but what about THE APPEAL! Smeg! Oh smeg.
.
! Thanks for watching, folks; see you next time! There he is! Kryten, come here a minute I was just trying to boost the ratings, sir! Get him, and bring him back to the Tank! It was nothing personal! The appeal.
Oooohhhhh YES! "Dear Mister Lister, your appeal has been successful"! "From this day forth all inmates with no record of violence or depression will be allowed to have strings on their guitars" This appeal was all about guitar strings? You didn't think it was about getting out of here, did you? You mean to say I've been busting my balls so you can have strings on your lousy, stinking guitar? You've been a brick, man.
And as a personal 'thank you', I thought I'd write you a song