Red Dwarf Episode Scripts

N/A - Only the Good...

Come in .
Come in .
Come in! Can I come in, sir? I did knock, sir, perhaps you didn't hear me? Your hot lemon, sir.
God-damn yellow fever.
I've still got that jowly, flabby, puffiness around my cheeks.
Wasn't that there before your illness, sir? Yes, I'm sure it was, because - Let me tuck you in, sir.
How's life on probation? Fouled it up yet? Enjoying it, sir.
Some directives for you to sign, sir: What's this 'Space Core Free Pardon' exonerating you of all crimes doing in here? I'm so sorry, sir, it's just, if I've got a record, I'll never become an officer and command my own ship.
Another ambition achieved You think I could become an officer, one day, sir? Look, it gives me no pleasure telling you this, Rimmer, but I'm sorry, you're just not officer material.
'Not officer material', sir? If you wanna take my advice you'll redirect your energies and find something that you have a genuine chance of succeeding at.
Like what, sir? So you're saying I'm never going to become a Captain, sir? Never? They said it was okay to drop by Talia? We-ll, hi! Hi! Ah, Rimmer was just leaving I can't believe we've run into one another again after all this time! Well, the nanobots must have resurrected you, too! You look wonderful.
You made Captain; you've done so well.
Your own ship wow! I've got goosebumps.
The photograph of your wife, sir? Is it okay where it is or should I turn it so it's facing the wall? Dismissed, Rimmer.
Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.
Nothing I can get you, ma'am? Tea? Coffee? Packet of three.
? He thinks I'm an imbecile, he really does Ha ha.
Me, an imbecile! Alert, alert! A choccy-nut bar, a choccy-nut bar has been removed without payment.
A choccy-nut bar has been removed without payment.
Alert, alert! Shut up! No, shan't.
Alert, alert! If you don't shut up, I'll pour beef soup into your speaker and you'll drown.
Take your hand off m' speaker then.
Promise to shut up? Promise.
Ha ha ha haa! I had m' circuits crossed! Alert, alert! Chocolate abduction on floor three-four-one.
Alert - Ooh, I say, you w'll, you will not get away with this, I may not be able to see you but I know your taste in confectionary! And I also, I also know, I also know, ha haa, erm, no, in fact that is all I know, just your taste in confectionary, but no matter, because one day I'll hear your voice again and I'll expose you for the chocolate thieving dog you are! I'm really scared! I'm being threatened by a dispensing machine! What are you gonna do, leave a horse's head made out of marzipan in my bed? "Oh, mummy, help, help, help! I'm really scared!" Rimmer.
? You forgot your tray Thank you, sir.
He stole some chocolate! He stole s - You are my nemesis one day, our paths will cross again, and I I will destroy you And on that day, I will be the Captain of this ship.
It's okay for Mister cushy-working-for-the-Captain-now, but what about me? All that damned rock! My back's killing me, bud! Look at my spine, it's so curved, if you threw it away it'd come back! Rock, rock, rock, rock, rock, rock! I ain't used to work! But what job do they give me? Er, something to do with rocks, sir? Exactly.
You know what they've got me doing? I've got to put all the rock albums on the P.
I've got to change those suckers once every forty-five minutes! I'm a physical wreck! Probation's killing me, buds.
! What's that? Oh, it's just a present to help cheer up Miss Kochanski.
What, a calendar? Mmm.
A couple of days ago she was looking at the old calendar and she said it was the wrong time of the month, so I got her a new one.
I'm going to tell her, the calendar people made a mistake, but let's just leave this whole 'wrong month' thing behind us; they were stupid, it was careless, but being grumpy and tearful about it is getting it way out of proportion.
A little word in your audio receiver: And this happens to all women? They become cranky and weird, and yet you never see this in films or on TV and men are supposed to be in control of the media.
! This is the biggest cover-up since Watergate! Relax, its not a big deal.
I'll tell you what to do and how to behave; everything.
Just trust me.
Ta-daaaa! Thank goodness for Mister Lister! I nearly made such a fool of myself.
A little present ma'am.
All gift-wrapped.
I hope I chose the right size Dave told you to do this, didn't he.
Ohhh, isn't he wonderful? Oh yeah.
Sometimes he's so cute I could just eat him.
He explained everything to me so I wouldn't embarrass myself.
Come on then, open it! I want you to try it on.
Maybe you could do a little twirl in it? Kryten, how can I put this.
? Is there something wrong, ma'am? He set me up, didn't he.
This is absolutely the wrong thing to do when a woman is having a Is the banner wrong, too? He was lying! I've been duped by a master craftsman.
Well, two can play at this game! Oh yeah? What do you have in mind? Well, are you sure you have time for this, ma'am? I realise the next few days are very special for you.
Just tell me your plan for getting Dave back! Right, here's my idea That's Holl, he must want something.
Thought you might like to hear some hot off the press, official insider information.
There's gonna be a cell inspection in about ten minutes.
Keep it under your hat.
Cell inspection in ten minutes.
Told you.
Thanks, Holl, it was most helpful.
See you in about twenty-five years, then.
Why's that going off? It's from Kryten: "Look under the draughts board".
Another note "Dear Mister Lister, thanks for your wonderful advice regarding Miss Kochanski.
In return, I thought I'd steal Baxter's stash of illegal hooch and hide it in your shower"! "I am laughing as I write this knowing your cell is about to be searched, and imagining the panic now gripping your soul"! - Oh my god! - Oh god! What the hell are we gonna do? We've got an inspection in five minutes! We're on probation! Down the loo; down the sink.
Baxter's gonna kill us if he finds out we're doing this! The Captain's gonna kill us if we don't! Smeg, the tank's full! What're we gonna do? We've still got two bottles left! We're gonna have to drink it.
Look, do you wanna get caught in possession of illegal hooch? Get drinkin'.
Have we got any mixers? You are wetter than a driving instructors handshake, aren't you.
Get it down your gob! What's it like? It's okay In-spec-tion! On your feet Stand by your bunks You're drunk.
Drunk, shir? No, sir.
Absolutelly not, sir, no.
No, no.
Who fancies a kebab? Oh yeah! Me, sir, me! Oh smeg he's shticked us.
Musht've been tshe jshelly shtrifle for lunch, shir.
Told him not to go back for seconds, sir.
Call the medi-bay; we need two stomach pumps.
Super-suck It's Baxter Your two mates stole my hooch; and when they get out of hospital, and there's no guards about, this is what's gonna happen to them You're gonna squeeze their rolls? That's irritating, but hey, in many ways they'll be quite relieved! What've I done!? Baxter's out to mash you you've got to escape.
We all have.
Security's lax, here.
If we can make it to the landing bay, and steal a ship, well, Bob's your Skutter! Where's the Cat? He should be getting himself hospitalised any second.
We can't hang around, we've gotta be out of here by five o'clock! What's so special about five o'clock? Five o'clock's bed-bath time! And apparently, I'm doin' them! The microbe, which destroyed the Hermes, it's on Red Dwarf! How? The microbe's chameleonic, so it must have been the escape pod; the one Talia whatsername arrived on.
We've gotta go back and tell them.
But what about our escape? It could be days before they discover this! If we go back now, they've got a chance to work on an antidote.
You're just acting all brave and manly to impress her, aren't you? No, Dave's right.
He's looking at the big picture.
Yeah, 'the big picture' involves you, no clothes and a haystack.
Red Dwarf is being devoured from within by a corrosive micro-organism.
As you probably know, we don't have enough craft for everyone to be rescued, so most of you will be staying behind to die.
Oh, there's an apology about that in the internal mail.
Just as I thought.
Created in a lab and programmed not to destroy glass.
So all we need is a plutonium powered greenhouse and we're home free! We need an antidote.
Something that can neutralise the corrosive negativity of the microbe.
Something with a corrosive positivity? So where do we get that? There's nothing in Yellow Pages.
A mirror universe! A universe where things are diametrically opposite to this one.
There, negative becomes positive, and a virus becomes an antidote.
If there's even the slightest imperfection in the prism, the mirror universe may be an imperfect version of our own.
That's something we won't know until we get there.
It's overloaded! We've lost Mister Rimmer! At last, things are looking up! How long's it going to take to fix that thing? Well, best guess, about twenty minutes.
Can I come in, sir? I did knock, sir, perhaps you didn't hear? Here's your hot lemon, sir.
Thank you, erm Private nobody.
Oh, er, a few directives to sign, sir.
Of course, laddie.
A free pardon, exonerating you from all crimes? Oohhh, I don't know how that got in there, sir, I, er I Want to be an officer, don't you, laddie? Oh, sir, could I? One day, could I be? No, I don't think you could.
Of course, it's a mirror universe, everything's opposite My God this is gonna take some getting used to They said it was okay to drop by You look wonderful So do you That'll be all, shambles.
Yes, sir.
You made Captain - You've done so well.
Your own ship wow! I've got goosebumps.
So have I! Let me kiss you.
What are you doing!? I'm giving you a big, wet snog, with oodles of Tommy-tongue! But I'm your sister! Yes, of course, but I was really pleased to see you.
I, erm You French-kissed me! No, it was nearer Antwerp.
I Belgium-kissed you.
I - I - I urrrgghh I've been really ill You're the Captain's sister? Oh, my god, what a terrible dream! Oh, hi, sis! It's me, Arnie, your bro! Get your big ol' lumpy bum down here and give'us a big hug! Captain Rimmer! I am Sister Talia Garrett; your personal spiritual advisor! Sis! Sister whoever you are! Oh, smeg! - Excuse me? - Yes? I wonder, could you tell me what this is? You'll have to ask the professor, then.
He does all that stupid, sciencey brain-box type stuff.
Somebody call? Professor!? Yes, Captain? Perhaps you could help me.
What's this? Hmm.
Hmmm, its an alkali.
Oh yes? What's it called? Soliciumfrankolithicmixyalebidium rixydixydoxydexydroxide.
You look surprised.
I never thought I'd ever hear you say that.
Can you write it down for me? Certainly.
Can I have an extremely long piece of paper, my dear? The antidote; I did it! Wha - Where is everyone? They've repaired the machine and crossed into the mirror universe.
You're the highest ranked crewmember left on the ship, so I suppose that makes you Captain, congratulations, Cap.
Smeg off! Where are you going? To make up a formula! I think you'll find that the formula on that paper has now turned into the formula for the virus, because you've left the mirror universe, so it's turned back into its opposite, ha ha ha haa haaaa! Smeg, you're right! This is a disaster! No, there still could be a happy ending.
How? You know that chocolate bar you still owe me for? You could always pay me back before you snuff it.
How's that a happy ending? Well, its a happy ending for me.
At least my totals will tally.
Why don't you smegging-well smeg off, you annoying little smeggy smegging smegger! Every dog has its day, and today's the day .
that I'm the dog! Smeg Arnold Judas Rimmer.
Your life is over.
Come with me.
We will travel to the River Styx, where you will place a coin in the - Not today, matey! Remember: "only the good die young".
That's never happened before