Return of the Mac (2017) Episode Scripts

Daytime Nightmare

1 We're gonna need a killer band.
And that starts with a serious musical director.
Hired someone already! Hey Uncle Joe! What's up, buddy? I want serious work like the detective novels I optioned.
She's obviously on the verge of another break down.
You think? Lookin' good, Joseph! Oh, what jail did you break out of? Yes sir, I am aware of the situation and I am fully prepared to take over all of Sam's duties.
It's the middle of the night! And you're feeling all right! Hello! It's the Joey Show! Come on! Then the guitars come in and I say, "Ladies and gentlemen, Joey McIntyre!" And my musical director, Chris Kirkpatrick! I love it, man.
We're like a two-man super group, bro.
It's unbelievable! Let's not print out the T-shirts yet, but man, they picked the right guy for the job! Yeah, I really owe you a big thanks, dude.
I need this, bro.
I mean, I lost everything investing in a professional hacky sack franchise.
- Who does that? - Don't beat yourself up, dude.
Orlando Sacks were a good team! They were oh and 63.
Thanks for trying to cheer me up, but no.
Hey, it's all in the past, bro.
Let's concentrate on making a great show! And take care of my tax debt.
So here's to the first day of the rest of my life! Bam! Thanks, man.
It's the middle of the night And you're feeling all right Fired?! I'm fired! I'm Joey McIntyre.
You know, the little guy from New Kids on the Block.
Since then, I've had my ups.
And I've had my downs.
But I know I can make it with the love of my family, hard work, and maybe better management.
Please don't.
Because Sam really wouldn't want that, and you know, that's not feng shui actually.
Soozie! You know, I was looking through Sam's files last night and I realized you have not taken a vacation day in quite a while! You need some R&R, girl! Oh no, I get all my rest and relaxation on the weekends when I clean Sam's pool.
Wow.
As your interim boss, I insist that you start using your-woo 278 vacation days immediately! But I don't want to go on vacation.
Who's gonna water Sam's cactus? It's plastic.
Who's gonna pretend to water Sam's cactus? Soozie! I'm booking you on a cruise.
Maybe you'll meet a guy! - Ouch.
- Or whatever.
Oh, hey Joe, can't talk right now.
I have to go on vacation.
You fired Chris?! Joe, I can see you're upset.
But we're pivoting the network in a new direction.
And Chris no longer fit the vision for the show.
You guys said I was the vision for the show.
You are.
But think of me as the vision behind the vision.
And I have some exciting new initiatives that I can't wait to implement.
You're acting like Sam's not coming back.
Sam showed up to work buck naked, Joe.
She's gonna be in treatment for awhile.
Well then why fire Chris? I mean, we had a great rehearsal.
We sound amazing together! I'm sure you did but we have to make some changes now.
The sponsor dropped out Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
We lost the sponsor? I wore the diaper for nothing? Well not for nothing.
Shrimpy got a three picture deal off that Vine of you falling on your face.
Yeah, my kids watched that about 300 times.
Hey, listen, Joe.
I hate to say this, but Sam really did us prison style on this one.
But luckily you have me! And I'm gonna give your a show a facelift.
Speaking of which, meet your new producer, Tiffany Kerwinburn.
This must be Joey McKid on the block! This is my husband, Howard by the way.
Don't encourage him.
Oh, good! You have an enormous head, you need a large head for daytime.
Spoiler alert! We're moving the show to daytime! - Daytime? - Yeah, daytime.
- Yeah, daytime.
- Daytime? - Yes.
- What's confusing, it's daytime? Daytime? They can't do that, Joe.
Yeah, I'm walking in right now.
I'll take care of it, all right.
Hi, I'm Alex Pike, Joey McIntyre's manager.
They're expecting me.
And may I say that blouse looks lovely on you.
- A word.
- Whoa! You're in violation of article fourteen, section twelve of the employee rules of conduct.
Um I'm not an employee.
- Do you have a Comfy pass? - Duh.
Well by excepting said pass, you've entered into a defacto employee contract.
And at Comfy, we have a zero tolerance policy for sexual harassment.
I didn't harass her, I just complimented her blouse.
Let's refrain from using the b-word any further in this conversation, okay? - Blouse? - [sighs] You'll have to come with me for gender sensitivity training.
Okay.
I have a meeting with Joey McIntyre.
Ever heard of him? Big deal.
Is it gonna take very long? It's gonna take as long as it takes.
Will there be snacks? Listen Joey, there's an entire world of lonely women sitting at home, desperate for something pretty to look at while they do their laundry.
And that is you.
- Just look at those baby blues.
- Ooh! I signed up for late night, not daytime! Joe, late night was never the right fit for your brand.
You're bright and happy like ray of sunshine! Not right now.
Well, maybe this will help.
We focus grouped this and people just loved the logo.
I look sixty-five in that thing.
Well you have been around for awhile.
Not that long! Joe, I think the gray makes you look distinguished! Look, daytime viewers need a father figure to look up to! Like Ellen.
You know, when Maury went gray we knew we had ratings gold.
Maury Povich? Tiffany has done over three thousand hours of tabloid TV.
Maury, Montel, Sally Jessy Raphael.
I've worked with all the greats! So what do you want me to do? DNA tests now? No, of course not.
No, DNA is Maury's thing! Nobody does DNA like Maury.
No, you'll be doing things like talking to sister wives or women who marry inanimate objects.
Sounds like water cooler TV to me! This is the worst idea you guys have come up with yet, and that's saying a lot! Oh, trust me, we could come up with ideas way crazier than this.
Oh I have one! Oh it went away.
Oh there it is again! Look at me.
And look mad.
Yeah, that'll work.
That's good, that's good stuff.
Oh! Come on, I need that phone, that's Joe.
As VP of finance, head of human resources and senior office supply manager; It is advisable that you follow my instructions to the letter.
If you're in this room it means you've done something unacceptable.
I photocopied my Mrs.
Beasley.
Great.
What did you do? - I honestly don't know.
- No talking! I am now going to show you a film on inappropriate office behavior.
It's approximately 147 minutes in length.
Oh what? And yes, there will be a quiz.
Hey It's for you.
Oh! Mrs.
Beasley, I presume? Pleased to meet you.
Alex, where the hell are you? Call me back! Buddy, wait up.
Chris! Come on.
We're gonna straighten this out.
Yeah? Tell that to the IRS.
I trusted you, McIntyre! Come on, Chris.
- Boy band code.
- Screw the code! Screw you! And by the way, you were pitchy.
Hey! Hey, don't be like that! Hey, we're gonna fix this.
I am gonna fix this.
Joe.
It's me, Soozie.
Yeah, hey.
Have you seen Alex? No, I've been too busy packing for this vacation.
Sam would never let me go on vacation.
I miss her.
I never thought I'd say this but I miss Sam too.
Watch out for Paige, Joe.
She can't be trusted.
Watch out for her.
Watch out.
Watch out.
Watch out for this couch, it comes out of nowhere.
I was never here, oh! Unbelievable.
Honey, you will not believe I am Honey, look who I ran into at spin class! [upbeat tune] Have a cupcake, Joe! I got coconut.
A little birdy told me it was your favorite.
Yeah, I'll pass.
So you guys just randomly met up at a spin class, huh? I know, so weird right? Joe, your wife, totally kicked my ass on the spin bike.
Do you remember that guy in the second to last row? Spikey shoe! Hmm, inside joke huh? Oh that's that annoyed Joe face you were telling me about! - Like hmm.
- What are you? Eh.
He doesn't even know he's doing it.
- That's it, right there! - So good, God! Honey, we're just messing with you.
Paige told me about the move to daytime, what a great idea.
She told you about that, huh? Yeah, I can totally see you in daytime.
I said the same thing! Your husband is exactly the kind of thing people want to have on in the middle of the day.
Just behind them, all the time in the house, doing stuff.
Can I talk to you for a second? Just Go ahead, I'll be right here.
Thanks, thanks for that.
Do you see what's happening here? I'm hanging with someone from spin class.
You're a pawn in Paige's sick little game! I invited her! She wanted you to that's how good she is.
Okay, I'm going back in the kitchen now with the evil one.
Yeah, she is evil.
In this exercise, you're working on a very exciting accounting project.
Please keep in mind the handout we completed in the eyes up here workbook.
This will account for one fifth of your final grade.
Begin.
Okay Um Good morning, Miss Lundquist [air horn] Stop! What is that? No gender specific pronouns.
Just say that, you don't need to horn it.
Good morning random person who works at Comfy.
Hi Dick from accounting.
This accounting it really hard, Dick.
Please, just call me Richard.
So about that exciting accounting project we've been working on I'm gonna need you to - Boink me? - [air horn] Oh son of a Beasley! God what are you Ow! We'll have to start from the beginning.
Yeah.
And he was like "Oh my God my butt too big for the seat!" And what's wrong with doing daytime? I do not want to do daytime, Donnie.
And I can't get a hold of Alex.
If you don't like the way things are going, you just got to take control! How am I gonna take control when everyone's against me, even my own wife.
Maybe you should listen to her once in awhile.
In this business, Joe, the only person you can count on to get things done is yourself! You know this.
Oh babe you've got like five minutes before Bachelor's starting.
Will you stop it? - Joey's in a real pickle.
- Oh I want your pickle.
Joe, it's like I always say, "When things are starting to slip, you have to be the one to steer the ship.
" I'm sure you can find somebody to help you out.
There is one person.
Welcome to Soozie's car.
Please fasten your seatbelt.
Travel time today is approximately one hour and forty-seven minutes.
We are experiencing some mild traffic but hope to get you to your destination on time.
You know, Soozie, you could have just told me where Sam is.
You didn't have to drive me yourself.
Well actually I can't tell you where Sam is, she made me pinky promise.
So when we get to Pleasantries Rehab Center, I'll just point.
Oh she's at Pleasantries? Oh you're good! You could be a TV detective! Hmm, tell me about it.
Some music for the drive? Eh, oh.
All New Kids, huh? Oh of course not! I have all your solo albums too.
Meet Joe Mac is my favorite.
Why don't we just have a little silence for the first.
No thank you! Here we go Joe! [crying] And he never really loved me.
And then he said he wasn't my real father.
That's what you sound like, Nancy.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, I cut myself.
Wahh! I eat pesticides.
My grandmother and I are in a sexual relationship.
I talk to fruit.
I have a hand that I'm married to, my literal hand! Good God, I'm surrounded by crazy people! Nancy, love.
Tell me you see a boy band-er and a garden gnome walking this way.
Is that her? So This place seems to be treating you well.
Joseph, Pleasantries Montecito has truly been an awakening.
I feel fantastic! And I've met so many interesting people You see that woman over there? She used to eat nothing but sand paper.
Huh, now that's a hit show.
Speaking of the show, I just really And I've really learned to listen to people.
You know, just really, really hear them.
Most importantly, I've just learned to be present.
Soozie, this is very difficult for me to admit.
But uh I've been informed apparently you have feelings.
Oh my God.
And I need to recognize that.
I've been waiting for this day my whole Fantastic, we are equals! Chop, chop, go get mama her scream pillow, huh? - Okay.
- Hey-ya! So Sam, about the show Oh b-b-b-b-Joseph.
I really need to concentrate on me and my healing, not you and your little show.
Mm.
I understand, and I hate to ask you to step away from whatever this is.
But we need you back at the Comfy Channel.
Oomph.
With Paige in charge, it's going down in flames, the whole network, down in flames.
They cancelled, "I Sued My Cat" by the way.
Well really the cats were never gonna be found guilty so.
She can't do what you do.
Well you got that right.
She certainly doesn't have the savoir faire to pull off this caftan.
She's taking the show to daytime.
Daytime? Daytime! Soozie! Soozie! Yeah.
Where's my pillow? Coming! [muffled screams] Okay Meet me in the laundry room in ten minutes.
I found a way out through the septic system.
We can just go through the front door.
Sure.
Yup.
- [whispers] Good work, Soozie.
- [whispers] Thank you.
[graduation music] Bernice Lundquist.
Um does this mean I'm allowed to use the copier again? No, it does not.
Alex Pike.
[clapping] Congratulations, graduates.
You have successfully completed six and a half hours of sensitivity training.
Your certificate is valid for one year - pending good behavior.
- Yeah! I'm a graduate! Me too! Oh I wish my mom could see me right now.
Bernice, would you and Mrs.
Beasley care to have a little celebratory drinky-poo? - Oh [bleep] - [bullhorn] Okay.
Do you think I could fit this entire thing in my mouth? My Teen Choice Awards surfboard?! I haven't even had a chance to ride that yet! Come on! [upbeat tune] Everyone stop what you're doing this instant! [bleep] What have you done to my network.
And what are you doing to my office? Sam, they let you out early! How did that happen? Apparently they let me out just in time, Paige.
Joseph is not and never will be daytime, not on my watch.
Thank you, Sam.
Well, it's too bad you feel that way.
Because corporate is totally gushing over this idea.
They are? As a matter of fact, I just finished telling them about how this whole daytime thing originated with you.
Yeah, huh.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
After all, you were the one who championed Joe as the perfect antidote to Kathie Lee and Hoda.
That definitely sounds like me saying that.
Paige, I know what you're trying to do, and it's not gonna work! They are so impressed by the way we re-org'd the show they're thinking about bringing you back to the New York office! - The Parent Network? - Yes! Oh, Soozie, it's all happening.
They're calling us back to the mothership! Yay! - Beam us up! - [screeching] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no, no wait a second.
I'm sorry Joseph.
But we have to stay the course.
However, if we hit an iceberg, then Paige will go down with the ship.
Sam! I just spent two hours with you in Soozie's New Kids car of you going on and on about how the Joey Mac Show belongs at late night! That was before I heard my brilliant idea to move it to daytime! Daytime is my middle name! Thank me later, I found our first guest.
Allan lives his life as a dog.
Don't you, Allan? It's true, I do.
I should like to go for a walk please.
- [chuckles] - Amazing! I don't know who this woman is but she speaks my language.
Tiffany, you are a daytime genius! Walkies.
[baby talk] Stop! Would you stop! Are you kidding me? I'm done! Yes, we are done here.
Moving to daytime, I'm glad we all agree.
No we don't all agree.
It's sad that it took a man living his life as a dog for me to get to this point.
- I quit.
- No.
No! He's allergic to ratings? Paige! If he doesn't come back, you don't come back either.
Joe, let's talk about this! Joe! I'm sorry I think I just blanked out there for a moment.
Did Joey just say he quit? [sniffs] Oh now that's unpleasant.
Oops.
Howard, get the pooper scooper.
In my defense, I did say I had to go walkies.
- Bad dog.
- [whimpers] I won! I won! I won! Thanks, loser! Oh come on! [guitar plays] It's the middle of the night And I'm feeling all right Hello It's The Joey Show