Review with Forrest Macneil (2014) Episode Scripts

Stealing, Addiction, Prom

Life: It's literally all we have.
But is it any good? I'm a reviewer, but I don't review food, books, or movies.
I review life itself.
Viva the revolution! [Crowd cheering] [Triumphant music] Aah! Hello, and welcome to review.
I'm Forrest MacNeil.
Whatever life experience you're curious about, I will do it, and then I will review it.
And here to field your inquiries from the review command center is A.
J.
Gibbs.
A.
J.
, if we do this right, we'll shed new light on what it means to be alive.
We'd better do it right.
Yes, we'd better.
My first review.
What is it, please? Your first review comes to us from Mork in Lincoln, Nebraska.
- Mork? - Yeah.
Well, you don't hear that very often.
- No.
- Hi, I'm Mark.
Oh.
Forrest, I'm thinking about stealing my mom's TV, but I wonder what it would feel like.
Would the guilt devour me from the inside out, or would I like it so much that I lose interest in everything else in life? Stealing.
What's it like to take things that aren't yours? I'm gonna find out.
- And I'll let you know, Mark.
- Good luck.
My old friend malted milk balls.
A couple times a week, I come here and scoop a few of these fellas into a bag, bring it up to the register, and trade my money for my balls.
But today oh, hello.
[Chuckles] Today I'm skipping that last part.
Come on.
Okay.
Oh, boy.
Oh, wow.
What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? Didn't really find anything to buy today, so - Okay.
- Just one of those days.
[Thud] Oh, oh.
You all right, dog? I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm really doing this.
[Deep breath] Okay.
These people trust me.
I can go to jail for this.
Aah.
[Growls] Oh, wow.
That was exciting.
I mean, it was scary, but it was kind of scary like a roller coaster, you know what I mean? And I I can't say I feel any guilt about it, really.
And look at these.
I mean, these are my favorites.
[Chuckles] I wonder if my theft was too impersonal.
Hmm.
Hey, pardon me.
Can I give you a hand with those? Oh, thank you.
Oh, sure.
Oh, good, yeah.
It's so hard to get Oh, I know, yes.
Well, my pleasure.
[Clears throat] Sorry.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, where are you going? Ah, that's very different.
Feels bad.
That feels really bad.
But stealing began to look quite different to me when I brought the groceries home and shared them with my wife Suzanne and son Eric.
- Cake! - Oh, my God.
What does it say? "Happy Birthday Lorraine"? Yeah.
Well, I guess they just had some extra cakes and Oh.
Come here, you.
Both: Mwah.
- Very good.
- I love these surprises.
Yes.
A lot of shredded wheat in here, huh? Yeah.
To truly experience life as a thief, I realized I would have to put myself at greater and greater risk of legal consequences.
My crimes could no longer be easy or simply victimize the old and the slow.
- Excuse me.
- Oh.
Did you just take my hat? No.
Hey, but you know what? If somebody did take your hat, I would like you to have mine.
Come on.
[Laughs] Yeah, why not? I was surprised to find that I was incredibly talented at separating people from their belongings.
My goodness.
Hey, is that Justin bieber, or does she just look like him? No, that's him.
What an angelic face he's got.
There was nothing I could not have For free.
[Siren wails] [Police radio chatter] [Light classical music] Go! Inspired by my successes with petty crime, I converted the review offices into a staging ground for my most ambitious heist yet.
We are not here for your money.
We are here for the bank's money, which is federally insured.
I enlisted the aid of my executive assistant Lucille and our office intern Josh.
We would not go unprepared.
As we saw during the fiscal crisis of 2008, the federal government will not hesitate to step in and bail out the banks - 30 seconds! - With taxpayer money, and When we do it, I'll make it shorter.
It's too long.
Okay.
If you're the head teller, raise your hand! Will you please be the head teller, Lucille? Please.
Good.
Okay.
Great.
Okay.
Take me into the vault, right now! No funny business.
Great.
Wait, wait, wait.
- Where's the vault? - Oh, it's over here.
Thank you.
- Gracias.
- You're welcome.
Good.
So you're headed to the vault.
Right.
Lucille, do you have the stockings? Yes, I do.
Oh.
There's the guard, Mr.
MacNeil.
Okay.
Let's do this.
Thank God.
Mm-hmm.
They certainly are warm.
It's nice.
All right.
Head teller.
Yeah.
- Straight to the vault, right? - Right.
And I'm crowd control.
- You ready? - Yeah.
- Let's go.
- [Laughs] [Laughs] - Please don't skip.
- Okay, all right.
Let's get it.
- Drop your weapon! - Oh, no, no, no! [Gunshots] Oh, God! Oh, my God! Oh! Let's go! Let's go! Get out! Oh, look at that! Oh, I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God! Oh, man! - Oh, you are gonna die.
- No! - Yes, you're going to die.
- Shut up! Start the car, Lucille! - What? - There was another guard! Start the car! Start the car! - Open the doors! - Hold on.
Reach through and open the handle.
- Manually open it.
- There! Thank you.
Why was that so hard? Come on, Josh! - He's bleeding.
- Yes, I know he's bleeding.
Go, go, go! - Drive, drive, drive! - Aah! Oh, what a pointless way to die! You don't know that I'm dying! You don't see the blood! - This is a lot of blood! - I'm gonna be fine! Is there anything you want us to say to your family? Fuck you! I trusted you.
Oh, don't say that although we did not leave the bank with a garbage bag full of cash, I took away something far more valuable a newfound respect for America's unpaid interns.
Josh's screams will haunt me forever.
Aah! Oh, God! My only consolation, if there even is a consolation, is that he will now carry around with him, for the rest of his life, a reminder about the follies of stealing On his buttocks.
That's where the reminder is.
Stealing: Two stars.
Let's see what my next review is, A.
J.
Patty in Park City, Utah, texts: _ _ _ _ Well, the only thing I've ever been addicted to is a thirst for knowledge.
I guess that doesn't count, though.
- I don't think so.
- All right, then.
I am about to go and get myself addicted to something stronger and more powerful than knowledge.
Aha.
Those are nicely made lines.
Well, I have never done cocaine before, and I have no idea how easy or hard it is to get addicted to it.
I confess I am quite nervous about this, but thank you.
Bon voyage.
Happy sailing.
That's like bleach in my sinuses.
That's terrible.
No.
That's a terrible feeling.
Goodbye, cocaine.
No, no, no, no, no, no, mister.
What? You would've liked to have done that cocaine? - No - No, of course not.
That's absolute garbage.
That's terrible.
I feel like going for a walk.
You wanna go for a walk? Yeah, I'm just gonna take out your trash real quick.
That's fine.
Some people simply can't get addicted.
Their brains are too sturdy.
Could this be my problem? I tested that hypothesis with two other famously addictive substances: Cigarettes filled with tobacco Oh, no, no, no.
And alcoholic wine.
But I could not get those monkeys on my back.
All this does is make me sleepy.
I think I'll, uh, go to the bathroom.
So you can add alcohol to the list of shit I'm not addicted to.
I mean, maybe I'm just invulnerable to addiction.
Like, what am I, a superhero? It's Mr.
Invulnerable! Okay, so I have tried cocaine, cigarettes, alcohol, didn't get addicted to any of those.
But there's one more thing I need to try, cocaine! Just like my wife Suzanne, who for years had enjoyed taking pot from time to time, my occasional recreational use of cocaine had improved my life.
I was more productive Red ones and yellow ones.
I got a lot of red books.
I made more scarves I'm making you one.
I don't know if you'll wear it or not.
I don't even care.
I was a better father.
Chicken little goes up to Henny Penny.
"Henny Penny, the sky is falling!" And of course Henny Penny didn't believe him.
"What do you mean the sky is falling?" The sky is falling! Okay.
All right.
Hey, Forrest.
Did you make 14 ATM withdraw - whoa.
- Yeah, sorry.
- What just happened? - Nothing, it broke.
It's fine, it's fine.
No.
What? What? Okay.
Somebody made 14 ATM withdrawals this week.
Why would you assume that it would be me? Did you ever consider maybe what's-his-name is doing it? It could be what's-his-name.
Who's what's-his-name? You know, upstairs.
The kid.
All right, hot shot, do you know his name? Eric? All right, fine.
Yes, you win that one.
What is wrong with you? Nothing's wrong.
I'm fine.
I'm just trying to eat something.
Tell me what I did wrong.
I'm pretty sure these gray ones go in here.
I volunteered to chaperone Eric and his friends on a camping trip and made an important discovery about my relationship to cocaine.
Wait a minute.
Hey, Eric.
Have you seen, uh, that bag that I had, that little plastic bag of, uh, camping powder? No.
Being separated from cocaine for six hours made me realize I had a problem, and I needed help In the form of more cocaine.
- Hey, Mr.
MacNeil.
- Do you have it? - Yeah.
- Thank you.
God.
All right, men, we're gonna do everything this weekend.
We're gonna get our bird-watching badges.
Who wants their bird-watch anybody want their bird-watching badge, we're gonna do it.
We're gonna find some birds, and we're gonna watch them, and then we're gonna get our orienteering badges, you guys.
- Your nose is bleeding.
- Oh.
That's 'cause I'm having a heart attack, you guys.
- Dad? - I'm having a heart attack.
Do you have shooting pain down your arm? Yeah, I got shooting pains everywhere.
Oh, my God, I'm having a heart attack.
I'm definitely gonna die.
I am definitely gonna die! - Oh, God! Oh! - Dad? Shut up, shut up, shut up! Shut up.
How do you know CPR? Why do you know CPR? This kid's a cop! - Dad? - This kid is a cop! We don't know how he'll react, but remember, you literally could be saving his life.
So it's important everyone is here and - Oh, my okay.
- Oh, what is this? Oh, is this an intervention? Always a fast learner, I was proud to see I had gone from fumbled snorting to overdose to family intervention in record time.
No, no, no, no, no, put your letters away, I can save you some time.
No, no, no.
I've been a monster, right? Everybody's gonna say that, right? I've been a real terrible dad.
I let you down.
I've been a horrible son-in-law.
I've been a real disappointment as a dog owner.
I've been such a bad neighbor.
I don't even know what I did to these guys.
Who cares? Let's go to rehab! I can't wait to go to rehab! Come on, Tom, hurry up! I don't need anything.
Let's just go! Let's just go! I I guess I should go too.
Okay.
Sorry.
Well, I'm gonna read my speech.
I worked hard on it.
"In the words of grandmaster Flash," you going high on that cocaine.
"You going crazy like a cocaine train.
" When I get back from rehab, I'll probably say cocaine is terrible, but don't believe me.
Cocaine is amazing! I give it a million stars! Do not believe the guy in the studio who tries to tell you it's terrible.
That guy is a liar! No.
I am not a liar.
He is.
I am a recovering addict who went to rehab and got clean.
He is a drug-addled maniac who nearly destroyed his family and his financial security and his heart and his brain.
Addiction: Half a star.
A.
J.
, may I have my next review, please? @kelly_of_vt tweets: _ _ _ Going to the senior prom.
It won't be easy for an adult like me, but I will find a way to do it.
Prom season was in full swing, but to gain entry to this exclusive event, I'd need an age-appropriate escort.
I don't have a date myself.
No date to the prom.
But just like when I was in high school, every teenage girl I asked already had plans.
That's quite hurtful, but thank you for your honesty.
Excuse me, I don't have a visitor's pass, so I need to make this really quick.
Hey, I'm looking for a date to your senior prom, and I don't care who I go with.
Hang on, now.
All right.
Oop, there's that guidance counselor who was giving me grief before.
I'm not supposed to be in the building.
Eventually, my search for a human prom ticket led me to my own living room.
I see you found the sandwiches.
Meg Carmichael, a senior at nearby Franklin high, was our sitter.
Meg, there's something I'd like to talk to you about.
You're a senior in high school now, yes? Y yeah.
And you've got a prom coming up, right? Yeah.
Has anyone asked you to your senior prom yet? No.
How would you like to go to your prom with me? - Okay.
- Yes! Oh, goody! I'm I'm glad.
I'm glad.
We're gonna have a very good time.
Now I'll take you home.
I arrived at 6:00 sharp yo find my date looking elegant and ladylike.
Look at that dress.
Oh, my goodness, it matches your whole personality.
After a brief photo shoot on the front lawn This is sort of an exciting milestone for parents, isn't it? Who knows what's in store for us tonight? We were on our way.
Paging Meg Carmichael to the dance floor! Meg was a sweet enough girl, but I quickly realized the results of my experiment were being skewed by her seemingly genetic inability to have a good time.
- Huh? - I'm not dancing.
You're not gonna dance? Come on.
Put that down.
There's better food than that here.
Did you bring this from home? You brought your own sandwich? Let's go have us some prom.
Hey, how's everybody over here? How's it going? Meg and I were just circulating about, meeting some folk.
Are you a friend of Meg's? - Um - Oh, no.
Look at that reaction.
That's interesting.
Have we sidled up to a table full of popular kids? Did you bring your S.
A.
T.
tutor? He looks like my pediatrician, Dr.
Nosebaum.
No, he's the weatherman, and I bet I know his favorite temperature.
- What? - 69.
Actually, yes, that is my favorite temperature.
- 69 is my favorite temperature.
- No, it's not.
Yes, it is.
69.
It's like a perfect spring day.
- A beautiful day.
- No, Mr.
MacNeil, it is not I don't understand what the problem is.
- I like 69.
- No, no.
It's our one and only prom night.
I hope you don't mind if we get a bunch of these.
Let's do one where we're both flying toward the camera, okay? Good.
Okay, great.
And then let's do the old Addams family pose, like what are their names? Uh, I forget, but yeah.
If there's something you want to do please, we have not settled on a pose yet.
Although depressed myself at this point, I decided to rally Meg with a pep talk.
One day, everyone here will grow up, and the people who were mean, they will regret how insensitive they were.
Forrest MacNeil? - Is that you? - Yes, it is.
Wow, what are the odds, man? Todd Schuster.
From high school.
- Todd Schuster! - Yeah.
- Oh, my God, that's amazing.
- How are ya? - I'm good.
- Wow.
We went to high school together.
- Wow.
- What are you doing here? I well, I could ask you the same question.
I'm the wrestling coach here.
Are you? Oh, great.
Oh, good.
- So what are you doing here? - You know, well, just same as everybody, I guess.
This is a great prom.
- This is a prom.
- Yeah.
It's not like our prom, you know.
We had this horrible prom in this abandoned fish factory, and, you know, nobody I don't even know if you were there for that.
I wasn't, because we sent you to decoy prom.
- What? - Yes.
Yeah.
We had a separate prom for the nerds, and he fell for it.
Oh, that was a s oh, okay.
- Yeah.
- That was a separate prom.
Yeah, and did you have any of punch there? - I think - 'Cause we pissed in it.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- You guys - We did.
That is elaborate.
- Decoy prom.
- Oh, man.
- Something else.
- Yeah.
Well, you know what? Uh, I forgive you, and I think we should hug on it.
- Oh.
All right.
- Yeah.
- We're gonna hug it out.
- Yeah, yeah, I think so.
I think, after all this time, why not? Well, it was really great to run into you.
- Fantastic.
- Enjoy a real prom.
Thanks, man.
Yeah.
Incredible.
Okay.
This prom is about to get fun.
Come with me.
Let's go.
Perhaps I had also gone to decoy rehab, because I was not able to withstand the pressures of this prom.
I'm not proud that I stole Todd Schuster's wallet, and I'm not proud that I spent his wrestling coach money on cocaine.
When you go to a prom, you wear a costume and pretend to be all grown up.
Let's blow.
Men's room, right now, all of you.
Come on, let's go.
But it was clear to me that deep down, none of us were ready for the adult world at all.
Ah, yeah! Immediately, it's like, bang! All right, come on, Meg.
- Let's go.
- No.
- Meg.
Meg.
- I I don't want to do it.
Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg.
- No.
- Meg! Peer pressure, peer pressure, peer pressure, peer it works! Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg! Did you see that? Did you see that? This is me! This is who I really am! This is who I am! Oh, God, I'm gonna die! - No! - I'm gonna die here! Leave me alone! Leave me alone! You guys are ruining the prom! Maybe you'll have the chance to go to the prom with a date who's not a social outcast with an undiagnosed mood disorder, and you will have the night of your life.
But few people are ever that lucky, and it is not worth the risk.
Going to the prom: Half a star.