Sabrina The Teenage Witch s05e15 Episode Script
Love Is A Many Complicated Thing
There.
Nothing says love like a gussied up internal organ.
Any big Valentine plans? No.
No, no big plans, yet.
HILDA: Behold.
Hilda's Valentine's brew.
I'm calling it "Capapinko.
" Looks like warmed-over Pepto-Bismol.
Ew, it tastes like it, too.
That's because it is.
Are you sure you're not going overboard with this whole Valentine thing? Absolutely not.
Hilda's is going to be the place for hot young couples in the know.
Desserts, coffee, cabaret.
I'm going to perform.
Can you think of a better way to end a romantic evening? I can't think of a faster way.
Oh, speaking of romantic evenings I've got to get out of here.
I still have to make my plans for Valentine's Day.
Which I'm sure includes a stop at Hilda's.
Yeah, right.
It's my first Valentine's Day with Morgan.
I want everything to be perfect.
I'm planning a moonlight cruise around Boston Harbor and as the boat gently rocks we can snuggle beneath the stars.
Sound romantic enough? Sure.
If you're into that whole nautical display of affection thing.
I really admire you, Sabrina.
What do you mean? Well, the guy that you've had a thing for is apparently head over heels for your roommate.
And you're dealing with it like a mature, rational adult.
What does that feel like? Well, you just have to accept it and not let it get to you.
You know, it's nothing to get upset over.
Well, I am so impressed.
Think you can help me finish off these decorations? No problem.
Okay, maybe I am just a tad upset.
Life's changing around me, and I'm gonna make it mine I'm reaching out and living by my rules Time's moving way too fast I wanna make it last 'Cause I'm out on my own now And I like the way it feels.
Sorry about that.
No, no problem.
Next time, I get to lead.
Smooth.
Guys like a girl who can do her own stunts.
Isn't he cute? We've been smiling at each other all week.
I'm hoping he's going to ask me out for Valentine's Day.
Oh please.
Don't tell me you're another of those poor, pathetic souls who feels worthless if she doesn't have a date for Valentine's Day.
Well I guess I don't have to tell you now.
Sabrina, Valentine's Day is nothing more then a commercial rip-off.
They should just rename it St.
Suckers Day.
Hey.
Miles, tell her that Valentine's Day is nothing more then a bogus holiday engineered by the greeting card industry.
In cahoots with the flower companies and candy manufacturers.
I have a hunch that the Trilateral Commission is also involved.
How cute.
I never realized how much you two have in common.
SALEM: So, Hilda, got any Valentine's plans? Oh, yeah.
Big goings on down at the coffee house.
And you? Watching the Love Boat marathon.
Well, we're doing better than most years, my friend.
Cheers.
Of course, Zelda probably has incredible plans that will put us both to shame.
Just like she's thrown in my face every Valentine's Day for the last 611 years.
Guess again, girl-frent.
I happened to catch a peek at her appointment book.
Salem, that's private.
Hey, I had to use the box and I needed something to read.
Does anyone know why there's sand in my day-planner? What are you smiling about? Oh, nothing.
What are you doing Wednesday? Oh, catching up on some reading grading some papers.
My Lord, look at that.
It's Valentine's Day.
And you don't have any plans and I do.
I am throwing a huge Valentine's bash down at my highly successful coffee establishment.
Hilda, when are you going to get it through your head that Valentine's Day is not a competition between us? I've been waiting for this day for 611 years.
( doorbell ringing ) You really ought to get yourself a hobby.
I have a hobby-- gloating.
Yes? Hi.
I hate to bother you but I noticed a few of your outgoing letters didn't have stamps.
Oh, sorry about that.
Thank you for bringing it to my attention.
It's my job.
And you do it so well.
Say, would you like to be my date for Valentine's Day? Well, sure.
Most people just give me a dollar or some stale candy.
What a delightful sense of humor.
Okay, well, uh, Wednesday then.
See you at 8:00 Calvin.
I'll see you at 8:00 Zelda or Hilda Spellman.
Zelda.
What? How could I say no and break his poor little civil servant heart? And you can make that 612 in a row.
I don't mind not having a date for Valentine's Day.
It's just I'm going to miss the romantic stuff, you know? Yeah, I had this one romantic Valentine's Day.
This guy I was seeing gave me an ankle bracelet, a necklace and earrings.
Wow, that's quite a haul.
That's what the jury said right before they sent him away for armed robbery.
Well, at least you know he's not with another girl.
Oh, this year I don't want to hear another word about Valentine's Day.
Hey, guys.
Guess what Josh and I are doing for Valentine's Day? Well, that was a blissful nanosecond.
Josh is going to surprise me with roses-- red, not pink and chocolates-- dark, no nuts.
And then he's taking me to dinner at this fabulous seafood place.
Gee, I never knew I was so thoughtful.
By the time she's through with you you'll be thoughtful and broke.
Well, I guess I have my work cut out for me.
I will see you later.
Okay.
( loud clanking ) Bye.
Hey.
What happened to the whole moonlit, romantic harbor cruise? I never got a chance to tell her about it.
You know Morgan.
She knows what she wants.
Josh is so perfect.
I mean, sure he needs a little push in the right direction.
But what man doesn't? This is absolutely the best relationship I have ever been in.
Well, you certainly had a lot to compare it to.
Thank you.
So, what are your plans? Oh, no big plans yet.
But I'm hoping something's going to happen with this guy in my Philosophy class.
Name? Kevin O' something or other.
Kevin O'Conner! Tall, artsy asked me out, I rejected him.
Perfect for you.
Don't worry.
I will set the whole thing up.
Oh, no, no, no.
You really don't have to call him.
Please, Sabrina, it's the least I can do.
I mean, I owe you.
For what? You're the one who introduced me to Josh.
Well, in that case, start dialing.
You owe me big time.
Don't tell me you're standing here trying to look cool just so Morgan's friend can discover you in the hallway? Why do you keep asking me questions you don't want to hear the answers to? Sabrina? Hi, I'm Roxie and yes, the cool girl with water coming out of her nose is Sabrina.
Yeah, it's important to keep your nasal cavity well hydrated.
You must be Kevin.
Yeah.
It's nice to meet you.
Well, this is kind of weird but I guess we have a date for Valentine's Day.
Morgan did tell you that right? Because if she didn't, then things just got really weird.
No, no, she told me.
I'm really looking forward to it.
I mean, you know, if you are.
Oh, yeah, of course I am.
So, uh Morgan will give you the details.
She's got the whole thing worked out.
Morgan? KEVIN: Yeah, we're doubling with her and Josh.
I think the four of us will have a really great time.
I'll see you.
Bye.
Four of us? A double date with Pete and Patty Perfect.
That'll be a rocking good time.
It won't be so bad.
I mean, Kevin seems nice and Morgan's easy to take in small doses and Josh and I have so much history we're practically like cousins.
All I can say is, I'd rather be in a Turkish prison than on that double date.
That could be so easy.
( magical tinkle ) Shh! I can't believe you're actually going through with this.
What could you possibly have to say to a mailman? Well, it just so happens that I've been doing some reading and the history of the postal service is actually quite Why is there sand all over it? Airmail pilots were strong and brave.
You're only going out with him so you'll have a better Valentine's Day than me.
Well, sister and I mean that literally this is going to be one for the record books.
Because after tonight I'm going to be the toast of Westbridge-- The queen of V.
D.
Valentine's Day.
That certainly says V.
D.
to me.
Morgan, hurry up.
We're going to be late.
Guess it's just going to be the two of us.
Got any plans for tonight? What's that supposed to mean? I mean, we're in the same house.
I'm not doing anything and I just thought maybe we could play Risk or Battleship or I'm going to go to my room now.
Roxie, why are you so mean to Miles? I didn't say anything.
You can destroy somebody with a look.
Yeah, it's the one good thing I got from my mom.
I'm late so make it quick.
Blah, blah, blah.
I look gorgeous, blah, blah, blah.
Breathtaking.
Okay, let's move out, Spellman.
Bye, Roxie.
Have fun tonight.
And try to be nice to Miles.
I'll try.
As long as dork boy doesn't make me play Perquacky.
I have a feeling you won't mind.
Make Miles' good points clear as a bell-- let Roxie think he's really swell.
( magical tinkle ) What are you mumbling? Oh, uh, a little pre-date pep talk.
Go, team.
Roxie? I don't mean in any way to invade your space but I just remembered it's Planet of The Apes week on the Sci-Fi Channel.
Do you mind? No, I guess not.
( romantic music swells ) I never realized what beautiful eyes you have.
You aren't by any chance talking to me, are you? Do you see anyone else here? So, uh did you grow up in Westbridge? Uh, yeah, well, I lived here when I was 16.
That's really interesting.
No, it's not.
Come on, people.
Cut to the chase.
Now, Sabrina writes for the paper and is an accomplished scuba diver.
Kevin writes songs and once won Battle of The Bands.
You dive? You write music? Sometimes people just need a little push in the right direction.
And you're awfully good at pushing.
Thank you.
If you'd like to pick out your lobsters we can get started on your entrees.
Oh, I can do it.
My dad's a seafood wholesaler so I know my way around a crustacean.
Make sure they're alert, between two and three pounds and the shells aren't discolored.
Thanks for pointing that out.
You're welcome, honey.
Oh, I'm starting to get that tingly feeling.
Is your throat closing up? Because you might be allergic to the shrimp.
That is so weird.
I just wrote a song about someone who's allergic to shrimp.
Reallly, it must be hard to find something that rhymes with "allergic.
" Hello? Trying to express an emotion here.
I think tonight is the night that Josh is finally going to say I love you.
To you? I mean, like here? Tonight? I didn't know you guys were that serious about each other.
Very serious.
But here's my problem.
Now, when he says it, do I kiss him first and then say it, or do I say it and then kiss him? Say it and then kiss.
Sabrina? Uh, you know why don't I go mull it over in the little gull's room while I freshen up.
Let me guess.
You didn't trust me to pick out your lobster either.
No, I'm going to wash my hands.
Listen, Josh, I just want to say I'm really happy for you and Morgan.
I mean, I think it's great that everything's working out for you guys.
Sabrina, I'm breaking up with Morgan tonight.
What?! I have had it.
I am so sick of her ordering me around and telling me what I should and shouldn't do.
But it's Valentine's Day.
Well, she'll have something to remember it by.
A kiss-off and that cross-eyed lobster.
Josh, you can't break up with Morgan.
You really care about her.
I know, but she drives me insane, all right? I give my heart and soul to her I get nothing in return.
What am I supposed to do? Don't do anything until I powder my nose.
Can't that wait? I guess it can't.
Julie McCoy, I'd meet you on the Aloha Deck any time.
Help! I'm having a little middate crisis.
You think you've got problems.
Captain Stubing just got dumped by Phyllis Diller.
Okay, since the words "help" and "crisis" aren't registering is Aunt Zelda around? Yep, she and Cliff Clavin are playing Post Office in the other room.
So So.
Oh, here's a question.
The new nine-digit zip code-- crazy fad or here to stay? I'm not sure.
I think it's a law or something.
Aunt Zelda, sorry to interrupt.
Oh, you're not interrupting.
Sabrina, meet our new mailman, Calvin.
Sit, eat.
Let me get you a plate.
You're the niece.
Aren't you supposed to be on a date? Oh, I wasn't I mean, I am on a date but the whole Josh-Morgan thing just exploded.
Give me the shorthand.
Who's Josh? Who's Morgan? Morgan's my roommate and Josh is her boyfriend who wanted to be my boyfriend while I still had a boyfriend but once I got rid of that boyfriend and wanted Josh for my boyfriend we were just friends.
With you so far.
Now he wants to break up with Morgan because he thinks she doesn't like him but I know that she does.
I'm sorry.
What's the problem? If I don't say anything to Morgan and they break up that makes Josh technically available.
It's an interesting dilemma.
Does Sabrina help them fix their relationship or does she keep her mouth shut and claim the man who could be rightfully hers? Exactly.
Well, in that case, Sabrina Morgan's your friend.
You're going to have to put your own feelings aside and do whatever you can to help her.
But she can't deny her feelings for Josh.
Hence the dilemma.
Is there any kind of a magical solution that might solve this? Afraid not.
Your aunt's right.
There are no simple solutions when it comes to relationships.
Do everything you can to help your friends then if they still break up you won't fill guilty about making your move.
Wow, that's good advice.
Thanks, mailman.
Got to go.
That really was good advice.
I had no idea you were so sensitive.
Do you have any idea how many copies of Psychology Today I deliver? Sorry, but you know how ladies' rooms can be.
Or maybe you don't.
I hope you don't.
Oh, look, lobster! Ooh! Oh, they're so small.
I told you to get the ones that were bigger.
Oh well uh, sometimes they take a few minutes to plump.
Happy? Yeah, of course she's happy.
Everyone's happy.
Are you happy, Kevin? Yeah, and if the waiter brings me a big bib I'll be really happy.
Wait, wait, wait.
No one eats until we have a toast.
Morgan, maybe they don't want a toast.
Maybe they'd just like to eat.
Josh, what is the matter with you? You're always telling everyone what to do.
Is that what you think? Yeah, it is.
You know, I think he means that sometimes you can just be, like, a tad Excuse me.
Our business.
Don't yell at Sabrina.
She's just trying to help.
I don't need her help.
Right, you don't need anything from anybody.
What I don't need is your attitude.
Oh, really? You want the list of things I don't need from you? Oh, a list.
Nice to see you finally organized something on your own for a change.
I'm so out of here.
And don't even try to stop me.
Morgan, wait.
If you see the waiter could you tell him we need some more butter? Look, I am sorry you guys had to see that.
I don't know what I was thinking getting involved with Morgan.
Let's face it.
We were never meant to be together.
I was probably just another notch in her Gucci belt.
Josh, Morgan is in love with you.
What? She told you that? Yeah, she told us that while you were over playing God with the lobsters.
Really? Well, if she's in love with me why is she always bossing me around? Well, maybe she doesn't know it bothers you.
Maybe that's just her style.
Have you ever talked to her about it? No.
Well, I think you owe it to yourself and to Morgan to get all your feelings out there before you break up or get back together.
Maybe you're right.
Josh, I think you need to talk to her.
Yeah, well, after that crack about the butter I don't think that'll be an option.
Good point.
Got to go.
Hey, what about our date? Oh, it was fun.
Call me.
Come on, Miles, it's no big deal.
I just want to hold you.
I know, but it's not the right situation.
But intimacy's very frightening for me.
Then get ready to be terrified.
If anybody cares, I had a very traumatic evening.
That sexy little scamp thinks he can climb out the window.
Well, I've got a window, too.
Oh, ooh.
Morgan, you're here.
I really want to talk to you about this evening.
How could Josh treat me like that? I thought he cared about me.
He does care about you.
He just doesn't like to be bossed around.
So I have an opinion.
If I hadn't organized the whole evening we never would have gone anywhere.
Yes, you would have.
Josh wanted to take you on a romantic moonlight cruise.
Really? Why didn't he tell me? You didn't give him a chance to.
If you guys don't start listening to each other more you're going to end up bossing around somebody new every month.
Well, that's what I used to do till Josh.
He's so sweet and sensitive.
The one guy that I actually could see having a long-term relationship with.
Sabrina, I don't want it to be over.
Don't tell me.
Tell him.
I don't even know where he is.
Uh, he's at the coffee house.
How do you know? Just call it a hunch.
I've got to get some coffee.
( playing folk music ) Well, hello.
Welcome to Hilda's.
Take a seat.
So, are you ready to give up? Admit that my Valentine's is ten times more fabulous than yours could ever be? Actually, this date is going extremely well.
This mailman delivers.
Uh, just so I'm clear.
You're saying that this random guy who arbitrarily rang our doorbell is turning out to be your dream date? It's a crazy world.
Yeah, it's freakin' hysterical.
All right, you're done.
Okay, happy Valentine's Day.
What a great holiday.
I'm about one bad relationship away from being one of those women who has 30 cats and pathetically names them after ex-boyfriends.
"Hairy Back.
Big Fat Liar! Dinner's Ready!" I had another cat that can't commit, but he ran away.
Ooh, there's Josh.
Go talk to him.
Oh, I can't.
Well, if you don't, I will and who knows what I'll say.
All right, I'm going.
Thanks, Sabrina.
HILDA: Some of you are probably saying, "Wow, is she bitter.
" Hi.
Hey, honey.
Are you okay? Yeah, I did the right thing.
Josh and Morgan should be together and well, I should just get on with my life.
Hey, how was the guy you went out with? He was really cute but I screwed up the whole date before I even got a chance to know him.
I'm going to go home and eat my weight in chocolates now.
Sorry.
Oh, hey! We got to stop meeting like this.
Kevin, look, I'm really sorry about tonight.
I handled things really badly.
Do you think we could try it again? Yeah, I'd like that.
So, can I buy you a cup of coffee? Sure.
HILDA: Here's another thing I hate about people in relationships: that they're in relationships.
You know, I know a great place down the street.
Yeah.
I had a really great time tonight.
Yeah, we're on a roll, you know? It's our first night out and we've already had two dates.
So, is it too early if I call you tomorrow? You can call me as soon as I get inside.
Good night.
Whoops, I guess Miles had a few more good points than I realized.
I know how this looks.
I tried to put up a fight but she's very persistent.
Well, since it's almost the end of Valentine's night let's give Roxie back her bite.
Oh, my God.
What have I done? You've made this the most special Valentine's Day ever.
You repulse me! I'm okay with that.
Nothing says love like a gussied up internal organ.
Any big Valentine plans? No.
No, no big plans, yet.
HILDA: Behold.
Hilda's Valentine's brew.
I'm calling it "Capapinko.
" Looks like warmed-over Pepto-Bismol.
Ew, it tastes like it, too.
That's because it is.
Are you sure you're not going overboard with this whole Valentine thing? Absolutely not.
Hilda's is going to be the place for hot young couples in the know.
Desserts, coffee, cabaret.
I'm going to perform.
Can you think of a better way to end a romantic evening? I can't think of a faster way.
Oh, speaking of romantic evenings I've got to get out of here.
I still have to make my plans for Valentine's Day.
Which I'm sure includes a stop at Hilda's.
Yeah, right.
It's my first Valentine's Day with Morgan.
I want everything to be perfect.
I'm planning a moonlight cruise around Boston Harbor and as the boat gently rocks we can snuggle beneath the stars.
Sound romantic enough? Sure.
If you're into that whole nautical display of affection thing.
I really admire you, Sabrina.
What do you mean? Well, the guy that you've had a thing for is apparently head over heels for your roommate.
And you're dealing with it like a mature, rational adult.
What does that feel like? Well, you just have to accept it and not let it get to you.
You know, it's nothing to get upset over.
Well, I am so impressed.
Think you can help me finish off these decorations? No problem.
Okay, maybe I am just a tad upset.
Life's changing around me, and I'm gonna make it mine I'm reaching out and living by my rules Time's moving way too fast I wanna make it last 'Cause I'm out on my own now And I like the way it feels.
Sorry about that.
No, no problem.
Next time, I get to lead.
Smooth.
Guys like a girl who can do her own stunts.
Isn't he cute? We've been smiling at each other all week.
I'm hoping he's going to ask me out for Valentine's Day.
Oh please.
Don't tell me you're another of those poor, pathetic souls who feels worthless if she doesn't have a date for Valentine's Day.
Well I guess I don't have to tell you now.
Sabrina, Valentine's Day is nothing more then a commercial rip-off.
They should just rename it St.
Suckers Day.
Hey.
Miles, tell her that Valentine's Day is nothing more then a bogus holiday engineered by the greeting card industry.
In cahoots with the flower companies and candy manufacturers.
I have a hunch that the Trilateral Commission is also involved.
How cute.
I never realized how much you two have in common.
SALEM: So, Hilda, got any Valentine's plans? Oh, yeah.
Big goings on down at the coffee house.
And you? Watching the Love Boat marathon.
Well, we're doing better than most years, my friend.
Cheers.
Of course, Zelda probably has incredible plans that will put us both to shame.
Just like she's thrown in my face every Valentine's Day for the last 611 years.
Guess again, girl-frent.
I happened to catch a peek at her appointment book.
Salem, that's private.
Hey, I had to use the box and I needed something to read.
Does anyone know why there's sand in my day-planner? What are you smiling about? Oh, nothing.
What are you doing Wednesday? Oh, catching up on some reading grading some papers.
My Lord, look at that.
It's Valentine's Day.
And you don't have any plans and I do.
I am throwing a huge Valentine's bash down at my highly successful coffee establishment.
Hilda, when are you going to get it through your head that Valentine's Day is not a competition between us? I've been waiting for this day for 611 years.
( doorbell ringing ) You really ought to get yourself a hobby.
I have a hobby-- gloating.
Yes? Hi.
I hate to bother you but I noticed a few of your outgoing letters didn't have stamps.
Oh, sorry about that.
Thank you for bringing it to my attention.
It's my job.
And you do it so well.
Say, would you like to be my date for Valentine's Day? Well, sure.
Most people just give me a dollar or some stale candy.
What a delightful sense of humor.
Okay, well, uh, Wednesday then.
See you at 8:00 Calvin.
I'll see you at 8:00 Zelda or Hilda Spellman.
Zelda.
What? How could I say no and break his poor little civil servant heart? And you can make that 612 in a row.
I don't mind not having a date for Valentine's Day.
It's just I'm going to miss the romantic stuff, you know? Yeah, I had this one romantic Valentine's Day.
This guy I was seeing gave me an ankle bracelet, a necklace and earrings.
Wow, that's quite a haul.
That's what the jury said right before they sent him away for armed robbery.
Well, at least you know he's not with another girl.
Oh, this year I don't want to hear another word about Valentine's Day.
Hey, guys.
Guess what Josh and I are doing for Valentine's Day? Well, that was a blissful nanosecond.
Josh is going to surprise me with roses-- red, not pink and chocolates-- dark, no nuts.
And then he's taking me to dinner at this fabulous seafood place.
Gee, I never knew I was so thoughtful.
By the time she's through with you you'll be thoughtful and broke.
Well, I guess I have my work cut out for me.
I will see you later.
Okay.
( loud clanking ) Bye.
Hey.
What happened to the whole moonlit, romantic harbor cruise? I never got a chance to tell her about it.
You know Morgan.
She knows what she wants.
Josh is so perfect.
I mean, sure he needs a little push in the right direction.
But what man doesn't? This is absolutely the best relationship I have ever been in.
Well, you certainly had a lot to compare it to.
Thank you.
So, what are your plans? Oh, no big plans yet.
But I'm hoping something's going to happen with this guy in my Philosophy class.
Name? Kevin O' something or other.
Kevin O'Conner! Tall, artsy asked me out, I rejected him.
Perfect for you.
Don't worry.
I will set the whole thing up.
Oh, no, no, no.
You really don't have to call him.
Please, Sabrina, it's the least I can do.
I mean, I owe you.
For what? You're the one who introduced me to Josh.
Well, in that case, start dialing.
You owe me big time.
Don't tell me you're standing here trying to look cool just so Morgan's friend can discover you in the hallway? Why do you keep asking me questions you don't want to hear the answers to? Sabrina? Hi, I'm Roxie and yes, the cool girl with water coming out of her nose is Sabrina.
Yeah, it's important to keep your nasal cavity well hydrated.
You must be Kevin.
Yeah.
It's nice to meet you.
Well, this is kind of weird but I guess we have a date for Valentine's Day.
Morgan did tell you that right? Because if she didn't, then things just got really weird.
No, no, she told me.
I'm really looking forward to it.
I mean, you know, if you are.
Oh, yeah, of course I am.
So, uh Morgan will give you the details.
She's got the whole thing worked out.
Morgan? KEVIN: Yeah, we're doubling with her and Josh.
I think the four of us will have a really great time.
I'll see you.
Bye.
Four of us? A double date with Pete and Patty Perfect.
That'll be a rocking good time.
It won't be so bad.
I mean, Kevin seems nice and Morgan's easy to take in small doses and Josh and I have so much history we're practically like cousins.
All I can say is, I'd rather be in a Turkish prison than on that double date.
That could be so easy.
( magical tinkle ) Shh! I can't believe you're actually going through with this.
What could you possibly have to say to a mailman? Well, it just so happens that I've been doing some reading and the history of the postal service is actually quite Why is there sand all over it? Airmail pilots were strong and brave.
You're only going out with him so you'll have a better Valentine's Day than me.
Well, sister and I mean that literally this is going to be one for the record books.
Because after tonight I'm going to be the toast of Westbridge-- The queen of V.
D.
Valentine's Day.
That certainly says V.
D.
to me.
Morgan, hurry up.
We're going to be late.
Guess it's just going to be the two of us.
Got any plans for tonight? What's that supposed to mean? I mean, we're in the same house.
I'm not doing anything and I just thought maybe we could play Risk or Battleship or I'm going to go to my room now.
Roxie, why are you so mean to Miles? I didn't say anything.
You can destroy somebody with a look.
Yeah, it's the one good thing I got from my mom.
I'm late so make it quick.
Blah, blah, blah.
I look gorgeous, blah, blah, blah.
Breathtaking.
Okay, let's move out, Spellman.
Bye, Roxie.
Have fun tonight.
And try to be nice to Miles.
I'll try.
As long as dork boy doesn't make me play Perquacky.
I have a feeling you won't mind.
Make Miles' good points clear as a bell-- let Roxie think he's really swell.
( magical tinkle ) What are you mumbling? Oh, uh, a little pre-date pep talk.
Go, team.
Roxie? I don't mean in any way to invade your space but I just remembered it's Planet of The Apes week on the Sci-Fi Channel.
Do you mind? No, I guess not.
( romantic music swells ) I never realized what beautiful eyes you have.
You aren't by any chance talking to me, are you? Do you see anyone else here? So, uh did you grow up in Westbridge? Uh, yeah, well, I lived here when I was 16.
That's really interesting.
No, it's not.
Come on, people.
Cut to the chase.
Now, Sabrina writes for the paper and is an accomplished scuba diver.
Kevin writes songs and once won Battle of The Bands.
You dive? You write music? Sometimes people just need a little push in the right direction.
And you're awfully good at pushing.
Thank you.
If you'd like to pick out your lobsters we can get started on your entrees.
Oh, I can do it.
My dad's a seafood wholesaler so I know my way around a crustacean.
Make sure they're alert, between two and three pounds and the shells aren't discolored.
Thanks for pointing that out.
You're welcome, honey.
Oh, I'm starting to get that tingly feeling.
Is your throat closing up? Because you might be allergic to the shrimp.
That is so weird.
I just wrote a song about someone who's allergic to shrimp.
Reallly, it must be hard to find something that rhymes with "allergic.
" Hello? Trying to express an emotion here.
I think tonight is the night that Josh is finally going to say I love you.
To you? I mean, like here? Tonight? I didn't know you guys were that serious about each other.
Very serious.
But here's my problem.
Now, when he says it, do I kiss him first and then say it, or do I say it and then kiss him? Say it and then kiss.
Sabrina? Uh, you know why don't I go mull it over in the little gull's room while I freshen up.
Let me guess.
You didn't trust me to pick out your lobster either.
No, I'm going to wash my hands.
Listen, Josh, I just want to say I'm really happy for you and Morgan.
I mean, I think it's great that everything's working out for you guys.
Sabrina, I'm breaking up with Morgan tonight.
What?! I have had it.
I am so sick of her ordering me around and telling me what I should and shouldn't do.
But it's Valentine's Day.
Well, she'll have something to remember it by.
A kiss-off and that cross-eyed lobster.
Josh, you can't break up with Morgan.
You really care about her.
I know, but she drives me insane, all right? I give my heart and soul to her I get nothing in return.
What am I supposed to do? Don't do anything until I powder my nose.
Can't that wait? I guess it can't.
Julie McCoy, I'd meet you on the Aloha Deck any time.
Help! I'm having a little middate crisis.
You think you've got problems.
Captain Stubing just got dumped by Phyllis Diller.
Okay, since the words "help" and "crisis" aren't registering is Aunt Zelda around? Yep, she and Cliff Clavin are playing Post Office in the other room.
So So.
Oh, here's a question.
The new nine-digit zip code-- crazy fad or here to stay? I'm not sure.
I think it's a law or something.
Aunt Zelda, sorry to interrupt.
Oh, you're not interrupting.
Sabrina, meet our new mailman, Calvin.
Sit, eat.
Let me get you a plate.
You're the niece.
Aren't you supposed to be on a date? Oh, I wasn't I mean, I am on a date but the whole Josh-Morgan thing just exploded.
Give me the shorthand.
Who's Josh? Who's Morgan? Morgan's my roommate and Josh is her boyfriend who wanted to be my boyfriend while I still had a boyfriend but once I got rid of that boyfriend and wanted Josh for my boyfriend we were just friends.
With you so far.
Now he wants to break up with Morgan because he thinks she doesn't like him but I know that she does.
I'm sorry.
What's the problem? If I don't say anything to Morgan and they break up that makes Josh technically available.
It's an interesting dilemma.
Does Sabrina help them fix their relationship or does she keep her mouth shut and claim the man who could be rightfully hers? Exactly.
Well, in that case, Sabrina Morgan's your friend.
You're going to have to put your own feelings aside and do whatever you can to help her.
But she can't deny her feelings for Josh.
Hence the dilemma.
Is there any kind of a magical solution that might solve this? Afraid not.
Your aunt's right.
There are no simple solutions when it comes to relationships.
Do everything you can to help your friends then if they still break up you won't fill guilty about making your move.
Wow, that's good advice.
Thanks, mailman.
Got to go.
That really was good advice.
I had no idea you were so sensitive.
Do you have any idea how many copies of Psychology Today I deliver? Sorry, but you know how ladies' rooms can be.
Or maybe you don't.
I hope you don't.
Oh, look, lobster! Ooh! Oh, they're so small.
I told you to get the ones that were bigger.
Oh well uh, sometimes they take a few minutes to plump.
Happy? Yeah, of course she's happy.
Everyone's happy.
Are you happy, Kevin? Yeah, and if the waiter brings me a big bib I'll be really happy.
Wait, wait, wait.
No one eats until we have a toast.
Morgan, maybe they don't want a toast.
Maybe they'd just like to eat.
Josh, what is the matter with you? You're always telling everyone what to do.
Is that what you think? Yeah, it is.
You know, I think he means that sometimes you can just be, like, a tad Excuse me.
Our business.
Don't yell at Sabrina.
She's just trying to help.
I don't need her help.
Right, you don't need anything from anybody.
What I don't need is your attitude.
Oh, really? You want the list of things I don't need from you? Oh, a list.
Nice to see you finally organized something on your own for a change.
I'm so out of here.
And don't even try to stop me.
Morgan, wait.
If you see the waiter could you tell him we need some more butter? Look, I am sorry you guys had to see that.
I don't know what I was thinking getting involved with Morgan.
Let's face it.
We were never meant to be together.
I was probably just another notch in her Gucci belt.
Josh, Morgan is in love with you.
What? She told you that? Yeah, she told us that while you were over playing God with the lobsters.
Really? Well, if she's in love with me why is she always bossing me around? Well, maybe she doesn't know it bothers you.
Maybe that's just her style.
Have you ever talked to her about it? No.
Well, I think you owe it to yourself and to Morgan to get all your feelings out there before you break up or get back together.
Maybe you're right.
Josh, I think you need to talk to her.
Yeah, well, after that crack about the butter I don't think that'll be an option.
Good point.
Got to go.
Hey, what about our date? Oh, it was fun.
Call me.
Come on, Miles, it's no big deal.
I just want to hold you.
I know, but it's not the right situation.
But intimacy's very frightening for me.
Then get ready to be terrified.
If anybody cares, I had a very traumatic evening.
That sexy little scamp thinks he can climb out the window.
Well, I've got a window, too.
Oh, ooh.
Morgan, you're here.
I really want to talk to you about this evening.
How could Josh treat me like that? I thought he cared about me.
He does care about you.
He just doesn't like to be bossed around.
So I have an opinion.
If I hadn't organized the whole evening we never would have gone anywhere.
Yes, you would have.
Josh wanted to take you on a romantic moonlight cruise.
Really? Why didn't he tell me? You didn't give him a chance to.
If you guys don't start listening to each other more you're going to end up bossing around somebody new every month.
Well, that's what I used to do till Josh.
He's so sweet and sensitive.
The one guy that I actually could see having a long-term relationship with.
Sabrina, I don't want it to be over.
Don't tell me.
Tell him.
I don't even know where he is.
Uh, he's at the coffee house.
How do you know? Just call it a hunch.
I've got to get some coffee.
( playing folk music ) Well, hello.
Welcome to Hilda's.
Take a seat.
So, are you ready to give up? Admit that my Valentine's is ten times more fabulous than yours could ever be? Actually, this date is going extremely well.
This mailman delivers.
Uh, just so I'm clear.
You're saying that this random guy who arbitrarily rang our doorbell is turning out to be your dream date? It's a crazy world.
Yeah, it's freakin' hysterical.
All right, you're done.
Okay, happy Valentine's Day.
What a great holiday.
I'm about one bad relationship away from being one of those women who has 30 cats and pathetically names them after ex-boyfriends.
"Hairy Back.
Big Fat Liar! Dinner's Ready!" I had another cat that can't commit, but he ran away.
Ooh, there's Josh.
Go talk to him.
Oh, I can't.
Well, if you don't, I will and who knows what I'll say.
All right, I'm going.
Thanks, Sabrina.
HILDA: Some of you are probably saying, "Wow, is she bitter.
" Hi.
Hey, honey.
Are you okay? Yeah, I did the right thing.
Josh and Morgan should be together and well, I should just get on with my life.
Hey, how was the guy you went out with? He was really cute but I screwed up the whole date before I even got a chance to know him.
I'm going to go home and eat my weight in chocolates now.
Sorry.
Oh, hey! We got to stop meeting like this.
Kevin, look, I'm really sorry about tonight.
I handled things really badly.
Do you think we could try it again? Yeah, I'd like that.
So, can I buy you a cup of coffee? Sure.
HILDA: Here's another thing I hate about people in relationships: that they're in relationships.
You know, I know a great place down the street.
Yeah.
I had a really great time tonight.
Yeah, we're on a roll, you know? It's our first night out and we've already had two dates.
So, is it too early if I call you tomorrow? You can call me as soon as I get inside.
Good night.
Whoops, I guess Miles had a few more good points than I realized.
I know how this looks.
I tried to put up a fight but she's very persistent.
Well, since it's almost the end of Valentine's night let's give Roxie back her bite.
Oh, my God.
What have I done? You've made this the most special Valentine's Day ever.
You repulse me! I'm okay with that.