Sabrina The Teenage Witch Episode Scripts

Call Me Crazy

What's with all the ironing? I'm the office newbie.
I can't go to work all wrinkly.
Well, that doesn't keep Barbara Walters' mug off The View.
Ha, ha.
You're a witch.
Why not get rid of wrinkles in some witchy way? How many times do I have to remind you? Roxie and Morgan live here now.
So that means no magic, no going through the magic portal to the Other Realm, and no matter how late I'm running, no reversing the rotation of the Earth.
Well, since you're getting all domestic with small hot irons, how about you make me a waffle? Very funny.
You're the one who's always making eyes at Mrs.
Butterworth.
I worked all day on this article and Annie red-penciled every line.
Yeah, she can be pretty vicious with that red pencil.
This morning she took issue with my new shirt.
I don't suppose you have any X-Men Underoos to match? I'm not gonna take them out of the package.
They'll lose their value.
Guys, after work I want you to go check out this club.
Ashanti is doing a gig at the civic center and she may show up there.
James, try and see if you can get pictures.
And, uh, Cole, try to grab her for questions.
- Will do.
- And none of them should be: - "Are you free later?" - Hey, J-Lo grabbed my butt.
Don't worry, Annie, Leonard and I will keep an eye on him.
Oh, and I'll keep an eye on all three of them.
What? It's a work thing and I'd like to go too.
No offense, but do you even know who Ashanti is? She had the number one album and single at the same time.
She's rising faster than Britney Spears, who, by the way, gave me private dance lessons in Paris.
- What? - Long story.
Um, so, uh, where is this club and what time are we meeting? Okay.
It's on the docks.
Meet us at Pier 38 at 9:00.
On the docks.
Cool.
We aren't gonna be throwing tea in the harbor too, are we? Ha, ha.
- Hey, guys.
Hey, Harvey.
- Hi.
Sabrina, great.
We need your help.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm in a rush.
I'm so excited.
I'm going out with my coworkers for the first time.
- But what's going on here? - Well, I'll tell you what's not going on.
A surprise birthday party for me.
And that is the third and final time I fall for that one.
Sabrina, we said that we were gonna spend tonight cleaning out the closets and getting rid of junk.
And by that I mean Roxie's clothes.
If we dumped half your makeup we'd have room for an ice-skating rink.
I'm sorry.
Look, I promise I'll help tomorrow.
I gotta go change.
We're running out of closet space.
How come no one uses this one? - No.
- We can't go in there.
Why not? Oh, my God.
I know what's going on.
You have a tanning bed in there.
No, no, no.
It's a bug zapper.
Ooh.
Wow, that must've been a horsefly.
Oh, no, forget about this closet.
Ooh, I need a cool outfit to wear to the club tonight.
You think you could lend me one of your creations? Nice neighborhood.
So how do we find this club? Do we just follow the chalk outlines? Break out of your cozy little world.
You can't live your life in a bubble.
Sure you can.
My bubble has a very low crime rate.
There's the green light bulb.
That would be the club.
Unless it's an environmentally friendly brothel.
Hey, man.
We're from Scorch magazine.
- Yeah, go on in.
Thanks.
Hold it, Mary-Kate.
- You can't come in wearing that.
- Who are you calling Mary-Kate? The only twins I see around here are your chins.
Hey, hey, you just let them in and she had plastic banana barrettes in her hair.
Reminds me of my brother.
- Is there a problem? No, no.
No, problem.
I know how this works.
You want a tip, heh.
Get out of town.
Hey, look.
If all us can't get in, then none of us should go in.
And forget about Ashanti, all right? It's just another one of Annie's rumors.
That is true.
One time Lil' Bow Wow was supposed to be in the hospital.
Turns out his shih tzu was getting spayed.
Thanks, guys.
Next time we go out, I'll help you with your look.
Scenesters are into a little something called goth.
Vampires, gargoyles, hepatitis C.
Oh, please.
My people invented goth.
What did you say? Broth.
Uh, I said my people invented broth.
Yeah.
Before us, uh, everybody just ate dry chicken and vegetables.
Hey, I know a place open all night, no cover, and an awesome DJ who plays exactly what you wanna hear.
Okay, E7 coming up.
All right, look Come on.
So the police let me out of jail just in time to dance in the carnival parade, but I kept my clothes on.
I'm not saying my date did.
You see, in Brazil, during carnival everyone dances in the streets naked.
I know what happens at carnival.
I mean, thank God for laser hair removal, right? You've been to South America? Sort of.
Well, it was Epcot.
But they stamped my passport.
You ain't never been to South Ame That reminds me of this time I was on a float with the king and queen of Mardi Gras.
Actually, it was the same dude.
New Orleans has the best food.
They have a Philly cheese steak there that's better than you get in Chicago.
Look, don't worry.
The great thing about a job like this is it gets you out into the world, - which would do you a lot of good.
Heh, heh.
Okay, guys, you know, maybe I've never been to Brazil, or been thrown in jail naked, but I have been to plenty of places and done lots of stuff.
I'm sure you have.
But we're talking about, you know, jumping-out-of-a-plane type stuff.
Yeah, you're adventurous in your own way.
We mean, like running with the bulls.
In Chicago, I got all the way to half court before security busted me.
I remember that, man.
See, we are men of experience.
We live life on the edge.
I could tell you stories that would make your hair curl.
Like eating unwashed fruit in Mexico.
That's crazy.
You're crazy.
- For your information, I've seen inside volcanoes in Hawaii, I've been to the top of Mount Everest, and I've even ridden the roller coaster on the rings of Saturn.
- Excuse me? - Uh, the rings of Saturn.
You know, the amusement park in Florida.
Near Bibleland? Okay, how about another song? Uh, Patsy Cline, "Crazy"? No.
Um, "Still Crazy After All These " No.
Okay, uh, how about we just talk.
You know, guy talk.
So, uh, that Anna Kournikova.
I mean, she is hot.
- Hey, guys.
Hi.
Have you guys ever blurted something out under pressure that would make everyone think you're weird? Weird how? Creepy, scary, Sixth Sense weird? Or freakish, odd, Liza's husband weird? I'd say like, backwards-white-jacket weird.
Ooh, that reminds me.
Gotta call Mom.
Lockdown is in ten minutes.
Okay, this is the "to get rid of" box.
I'm gonna toss it in the back of the car.
Oh, wait, that's my sweater.
And those are my jeans.
This is my box.
I'm not giving this stuff away.
What about helping the less fortunate? Well, I don't see any of Roxie's stuff in there.
I think the less fortunate have enough problems.
Hey, Harvey, you still helping them move boxes? No.
I fooled them.
This is the same box.
I've just been carrying it up and down the stairs for the last half an hour.
Good idea, Just carrying an empty box.
Empty? Shoot.
So did you have fun with your coworkers tonight? Not really.
We were all sitting, talking, and suddenly I blurted out about that time I went to the rings of Saturn with Aunt Hilda.
Did you mention that all I got was a lousy T-shirt? - Sabrina, why did you tell them that? - I couldn't help it.
They were all trading stories about their big exotic exploits, and I couldn't even tell them that I once broke the sound barrier on a Hoover upright.
Maybe they'll think you were using a figure of speech.
You know, that the rings of Saturn is something everyone's saying.
By the way, we're taking a load to the shelter in the city tomorrow, so make sure you have your junk in the car.
But I have to work tomorrow.
Hello? Roxie and I have jobs too.
Okay, okay.
I'll go on my lunch break, but I can't be late getting back.
Tomorrow at work I'm gonna be doing more damage control than Mariah Carey's publicist.
Why? What's going on? Well, here's the thing.
I said something to my coworkers, and now they think I'm all Girl, Interrupted.
Well, the next time someone does that, just say, "Excuse me, I was talking.
" Oh, hey, Jody, I love those shoes.
They are totally rings of Saturn.
Brett, we missed you last night.
We had a great time.
Yeah, it was like roller-coasting on the rings of Saturn.
Oh, come on, hasn't anyone here heard that expression? I mean, where have you people been? Come on, hip it up.
Jonathan hired her.
He should know about this.
It's none of his business, Squealy McSquawkbox.
What's not whose business? Okay, I don't wanna rat on anybody, but I think Jonathan should know the new girl may be slightly off.
Judas, party of 13, your table is ready.
I mean, come on, Len.
She said Britney Spears taught her to dance.
She said her people created goth.
And that whole thing about the roller coaster on Saturn? I think her umbilical cord was wrapped too tight.
Hey, look.
Jonathan hired Sabrina for a reason.
A reason I cannot fathom.
But as long as her behavior isn't dangerous, we're gonna treat her like just another Scorch employee.
With a chemical imbalance like a pool.
Hey, Annie, I love the hair.
It's totally rings of Saturn.
Hey, come on, "it's all good" didn't catch on right away either.
Guys, my lunch break is only an hour and the last time I was late, Annie made me sing the "Tardy Song" to the whole custodial staff.
Man, these boxes are heavy.
Well, here, lets use this cart.
You know the best thing about giving stuff to the poor? Yep.
It means we get to buy new stuff.
Hey, hey, we're losing valuable merchandise.
Great, now I'm gonna have angel hair.
Hold on, one more.
One more.
There, now the queen has her robe.
Well, the queen has some weird friends.
How come they can surgically relocate your bellybutton, but they can't fix the grocery cart wobbly wheel problem? Hey! This is a crosswalk, buddy.
There better be a cooler full of kidneys in your backseat.
Look It's not what you think.
I'm going to the shelter.
I mean, I Hey, there.
Whoa, high strung.
Sign of quality breeding.
Between you and me, I'm a sucker for the crazy girls.
Oh, too bad, because I hear Susie in accounting has a thing for you.
Really? There's gotta be a Susie, right? Hey, James, look, about the shopping cart and all the junk, it's actually a funny story.
No need to explain.
No worries.
These voices in your head, though, they don't say "kill the photographer," do they? Very funny.
Come back and get your quarter.
Or at least take a pencil for it.
Annie, Annie.
Something has gotta be done about Sabrina.
- James - You didn't see her today at lunch.
With the cart, the blanket, and the trash.
She looked like a bag lady.
James, I think you're overreacting.
We don't know anything about Sabrina.
He's right.
I mean, this could be her sad, desperate attempt to give herself a little edge.
Like when the Bush girls get drunk and make out with Democrats.
Okay, look, all I'm saying is that Jonathan should know when he hires - on impulse, it could be dangerous.
- I think dangerous is sexy.
My last date jumped out of my car while it was still moving.
Maybe she's just got some problems at home.
Does she even have a home? One that doesn't say, "This end up" and melt in the rain? Okay.
This is ridiculous, okay? You guys are talking about me and you think I'm a weirdo.
No.
No, we don't.
Okay, look, and I just want you to know that I do have a home.
And I invite any of you, except you, anytime to come over and see my regular, normal home.
Uh, why is Salem wearing a tutti-frutti hat? I put it on him.
Isn't it cute? And why are you sitting on the coffee table? Before another day of moving boxes around, I thought I'd warm up with some yoga.
I'm attempting to levitate.
Well, do you have to do it here? Cole is coming over, and it won't help if he thinks I'm living with a wacko.
Sorry, I'm not moving from this spot until I levitate.
- Anything? - No.
I'm starting to think this yoga thing is a scam.
Morning, everyone.
What's up? Why are you wearing a chip clip on your nose? Ow.
I am reshaping my nose without surgery.
I wear it when I sleep, like headgear.
Well, you look ridiculous.
You should stop getting your medical advice from the dollar store.
Sabrina, you're trying too hard.
Just be yourself, and they'll see you for the wonderful, regular girl you are.
Actually, that is really good advice.
And just in case it doesn't work, go, go.
Salem, there's an open can of tuna in the kitchen.
Ha! Nice try.
I know what's going on.
This guy is coming over and you're worried a cat will make you look spinsterish.
No, what makes me look spinsterish is the cat, the two female roommates, and the large Victorian house.
Look, it's obvious you like this Cole guy.
Do what anybody in your situation would do: Rub up against his leg, or stand in front of the TV and arch your back.
This is why I don't listen to you anymore, Salem.
I am done taking the cat's advice.
Okay? I am sick and tired of hearing your nagging little voice.
Psst.
Meow.
Oh, what is that, sarcasm? Oh, hi, Cole.
Come on in.
- Hey.
- Hey, Sabrina.
Uh, you know, they say that, um, if you talk to cats it makes them, um, shed less.
All right, let me get my stuff.
I'll meet you out by the car.
Sorry, we thought you were gone.
I'm Roxie.
This is Morgan.
Oh, hi.
So, uh, how long have you guys been roommates with Sabrina? We've only lived here for a few months.
This house used to belong to Sabrina's aunts.
Oh.
Uh, so where did they go? We don't know.
It was really strange.
They kind of just disappeared.
And you never checked out what happened to them? Oh, Sabrina doesn't like to talk about it.
Not that Sabrina doesn't like to talk about things and keeps a lot of secrets.
Oh, she's very open.
Except when it comes to that closet upstairs, right? - Oh, yeah, "Don't go in there!" - Aah! Hey, uh, what are you guys doing down here? I thought I told you to wait upstairs.
And I told you to wait in the car.
And you, we'll talk later.
I mean, I'll talk to you later.
About shedding.
Why would he talk to me? He's a cat.
Heh.
Bye.
Yeah, my roommates and I get along great.
You know, except for little things.
Like Morgan, the way she's always chomping her gum.
I could just strangle her.
Um, so your friends said you used to live with your aunts? Yeah.
Yeah, when I was in high school.
But I grew up and I didn't need them anymore.
I do miss them, though.
Well, I'm sure they'll come back and visit.
No, no, no.
No, they won't be coming back.
Could you pull over by the diner? I wanna get something for the office.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Hey, you know what? Listen.
Um, I just remembered, I got a conference call, and, uh, you know, we're only a couple blocks from the office.
Do you mind walking? Oh, no problem.
I'll see you back there.
Okay, well, he definitely thinks I'm crazy.
And the fact that I'm talking to myself is not helping.
Excuse me, um, I need a coffeecake for my office.
- Okay, we got a fruitcake - No, no, no.
No fruitcakes.
- How about a nice nut loaf? - No, no, nothing nutty.
I need something that says, normal, not crazy, not about to have a nervous breakdown.
I don't think I can fit that on a cake.
I could maybe do "happy birthday" with some nice balloons.
Give me a minute.
- Uh, regular coffee to go.
Yep.
You have a little Oh, great.
That's the last time I let a monkey do my makeover.
You work at Scorch? Yeah.
Hey, thanks for giving me the heads up on the clown mouth.
My coworkers already think I'm crazy enough as it is.
Why is that? Oh, I said something stupid about riding a roller coaster on the rings of Saturn.
- It's a long story.
- That's kind of cool.
It paints a nice picture.
You seem very artistic.
I'm better with words than with lipstick.
A dollar thirty-five.
Oh, gosh, I guess I left my wallet at the hotel.
Well, then you can get your coffee at the hotel.
Oh, I can cover your coffee.
Oh, really? That would be nice, thank you.
No problem.
Um, listen, you have a card or anything? - I'd like pay you back for the coffee.
- Oh, don't worry about it.
I'm just glad I didn't run into you at a car dealership.
- Ha, ha.
- Thanks again.
I don't care what Sabrina says.
We need this closet space.
Morgan, don't open that.
Morgan, are these your tap shoes? Oh, my gosh.
I haven't seen those in years.
They look brand new.
Yeah, I realized whenever I wore them they just made too much noise.
Harvey? Harvey.
That is just like him.
We ask for help and then he gets wrapped up in something else.
Okay, you know, I still think you guys are overreacting.
Now, we're all going back to work.
Business as usual.
She may have killed her aunts, okay? We could be dealing with an aunt-icidal maniac.
We have nothing to worry about with Sabrina.
Hey, guys, I got a surprise.
No, guys, the knife is for the cake.
I brought cake.
Leonard, get out from underneath the desk.
Guys, listen, I know there's been rumors about my behavior lately, but you haven't been seeing the whole picture.
I mean, there's an explanation for everything: The grocery cart, the knife, the rings of Saturn.
- Ooh, latte cart.
- Guys, wait.
I'm not a lunatic.
Hey, there you are.
I wanted to pay you back your money.
Oh, you didn't have to do that.
It was just coffee, but thanks.
I'm Sabrina Spellman, by the way.
Hi, I'm Ashanti.
Nice to meet you.
- Oh, the singer, Ashanti? - Mm-hm.
Oh, I see what's happening here.
They're trying to set me up and you're in on it.
They think I'm nuts and they're trying to push me into the crazy pool.
Very funny, guys.
You can come out now.
Let me know if there is ever anything I can do to return the favor.
Uh, actually, since you're offering, um, would you mind giving me a few minutes to do an interview? Uh, the magazine would love it, and my reputation sure could use the help.
I'm kind of in a rush.
The tour bus is waiting outside.
But you know what? Here is my manager's card.
Give her a call.
She'll set something up.
Okay, thanks.
Hey, was that? Was someone supposed to interview Ashanti? Jonathan didn't say anything to me about it.
You didn't go saying something weird and chase her off.
As a matter of fact, she came here to No.
All right, all right, all right.
Forget the manager.
Look.
Here's my cell number.
Give me a call tonight before the show and you can get your interview.
And, girl, you are definitely riding the roller coaster on the rings of Saturn in my book.
Holler.
- Wow.
Sabrina knows Ashanti.
- Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Me and Ashanti, ha, ha.
Yeah, we're buds.
We go way back.
Well, I guess we misjudged the new girl.
So Ashanti is the one who came up with this whole rings-of-Saturn thing, huh? Well, actually, uh, we both came up with it together.
Yeah, we're like Lennon and McCartney, Simon and Garfunkel, ha, ha.
We're Spellman and Whatever Ashanti's last name is.
So is anybody gonna eat this cake? Hey, looks like you got everything stowed away.
- What happened to Harvey? - He bailed on us hours ago.
Harvey, what happened to you? I was Giant octopus, and tentacles, and acid blood.
It was horrible.
Is that Harvey up there? We've got six more boxes.