Sabrina The Teenage Witch Episode Scripts

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"And although he's played his last gig, Screamin' Hank Walters will be joining Hendrix, Elvis, and maybe even Tupac " "For an all-star jam session in heaven.
" Did you read this obituary before I turned it in? No, no, I'm reading the one you wrote last week.
Oh, right.
Well, it is an obituary.
It's not like they're gonna complain.
Hey, it's no big deal.
I reuse the same photos over and over again.
Of course, I had to stop when people realized Queen Latifah never fought Lennox Lewis.
You know, when I got this job, I thought I'd be doing more interviews.
But I've covered more dead rockers than vomit.
Can I just give you a little advice? Go find your own stories.
You write something decent, Annie will run it.
You write something indecent and she'll put it on the cover.
If I wanna impress Annie, that's what I'll have to do.
You're right.
I'm gonna tell Annie I have written my last obituary.
Sabrina, get down to Boston General.
Keith Richards is having chest pains.
Can't I wait until he goes to the morgue? I have my own parking spot there.
What you're looking at now is the Morganwear fall line.
I like these, but actually, we're buying for spring right now.
Oh, not a problem.
And now, you have scarves to match.
Whoa, cute headband.
That's a skirt.
And I'm guessing a great way to meet guys.
I'm telling you, these designs will be flying off the rack.
Ha, ha.
Flying off the rack.
Oh, oh! That's our cue.
Oh, look, I love this blouse.
Roxie, don't you love this blouse? - Love it? I'd like to be buried in it.
- That's right, Roxie.
Because Morganwear works for every occasion.
Well, your friends seem to really like your stuff.
Morgan, are we almost through here? I really should be out trying to dig up a story.
Actually, I really like your designs.
Let me finish this call, and I'll place an order.
I sold something.
I sold something, ha, ha.
I deserve a little treat.
What do you think, uh, Lexus or Mercedes? Uh, how about chipping in for groceries once in a while? That's Babette Storm.
Oh, yeah.
She's in town shooting a film.
Wow.
She looks even better in person.
"Bo," "tox.
" - Get out.
She's pushing 30, she's gotta do something.
Hey, that's a great story: What an actress has to do to stay in the game.
Now, how can I prove that she's using Botox? Stick a safety pin in her forehead.
Oh, my God, did you see that? She just shoplifted.
That's really sad.
Yeah, it is.
She stole from the clearance rack.
If I buy a box of Thin Mints, will you go away? What if I had a story about someone who was actually alive? What have you got? Well, I saw Babette Storm last night at a boutique, and let's just say she's no stranger to the five-finger discount.
That means shoplifting.
Got any proof? That means you're a real reporter.
Well, I saw it with my own two eyes.
Hey, five fingers, two eyes.
Maybe I can use that in my article.
Look, I have no doubt this woman's a thief, okay? There is no other explanation for her Oscar.
But find a story you can back up.
Well, I know for a fact she's had Botox injections.
I think.
Come on, cheer up.
I can't help it.
I'm bummed.
I try to show my boss that I know what I'm doing and I end up looking like an amateur.
Well, why don't you do what I do when I feeling down? Let strangers rub my belly? Huh.
Order the champagne.
Monique just called.
She wants to double her initial order of Morganwear.
Congratulations.
At least one of our careers is taking off.
Oh, Sabrina, I don't have time for the Annie-is-evil pep talk right now.
I have 50 outfits to deliver.
Oh, okay.
Annie is evil, you're great, hang in there.
- Oh, I forgot the best part.
- I'm thin and beautiful? Oh, we're back to me now.
Babette Storm ordered one of my dresses to wear to the press conference for her new film.
You might wanna sew in a LoJack.
She's picking it up at Monique's on Thursday at 1:00.
Now, because of this stupid cast, I am gonna need help with the sewing.
Wait, she's going back to that boutique? Maybe I have another shot at that story.
I just need proof.
Hey, guys.
What's going on? Hey, Roxie.
Do you know how to sew? Sew? A needle pulling thread? Never mind.
How about you, Sabrina? Do you wanna work for me? Not even if the job was testing pie.
All I need you to do is come to this boutique so that I can prove that Babette is a shoplifter.
You know, bring your camera, just skulk around.
Now, wait a minute.
They tend to keep an eye on a brother skulking in a ritzy women's boutique.
Fine, then give me your camera.
I broke mine trying to kill a spider.
Maybe you do deserve a break.
Actually, you remind me of myself when I came here.
Young, naive, desperate to succeed.
- I'm not desperate to succeed.
Oh? That is so not me.
Ha, ha.
Please, help me, James.
Please? - Okay, I'll help you.
- Thank you.
You know, uh, I've done surveillance before.
Dangerous stuff.
Sean Penn whacked me right here.
P.
Diddy slapped me right here.
Celine Dion got me right here.
She hit you? No, it's the Titanic theme, it chokes me up.
Welcome to Morganwear.
Congratulations.
You girls have the thrill of working for a vibrant, cutting-edge company focused on generation now.
Now, don't be threatened working for someone so much younger and more beautiful than you.
Oh, please.
When I was her age, I had a rack you could bounce a wing nut off of.
Where did you pick up the bridge game? This is my new work force.
They're day laborers.
I found them hanging out in front of the fabric store.
We were waiting for a bus to Atlantic City.
You know, Morgan, this looks like unfair labor practice.
You can't hold people against their will.
No, not all of them.
I started with eight.
- Oh, there she is.
- Really? She don't look like a thief.
She also doesn't look like Harriet Tubman, but that didn't stop her from playing the part in that one-woman show.
Okay, pretend like you don't know me.
Right.
We all got Annie's memo about that.
Oh, this is kind of nice.
Ahem, would this look good on me? Uh, are you asking me? Yeah.
Be honest.
Well, it's a little "get out of the trailer, there's a twister coming.
" Oh, you're right.
Um, but, you know, this blouse would look great on you, and at this price, it's a steal.
I mean, a bargain.
That's gorgeous.
You have very good taste.
Really? Thanks.
Would you mind telling my boss that? And my roommates? And, well, actually, can I get it in writing? I'm Babette.
My friends call me Babs.
I'm Sabrina.
My friends call me Sabs.
Oh.
- They don't really.
Oh.
You know, it's so rare that I meet someone down-to-earth and honest like you.
Would you mind helping me pick out a few things? Really? Sure.
And you have to get that blouse.
My treat.
Okay, then I'll just try on this one little blouse.
And this and this.
Ooh, I love this.
Because, actually, y'all about the same size.
So, uh, could you try this on for me? You sure your mother wants this for her birthday? Oh, yeah.
Psst, psst, psst.
May I help you? Uh, do you have any changing rooms? You are standing right by them.
Ah.
- Some of these women are so dumb.
- Mm.
- Okay.
I'll try on the teddy for you.
- Thank you.
James, pay attention.
I'm working, I'm working.
I love buying clothes, but I hate trying them on.
Don't you? It takes so long.
Tell me about it.
First, you gotta try stuff on.
And take them off.
And then if you need another size, you gotta go back and get another one.
Now, it's small and overpriced.
Oh, I look terrible in this one.
I doubt.
You'd look great in anything.
No, seriously, this one will make me like a cow.
It can't be that bad.
Let me try.
Ooh! Uh, I see what you mean.
What? I said, "Ew, you're right.
" - Any luck? - Ugh.
No, everything was either too clingy, too floofy or two paychecks.
- How about you? - No, struck out.
Really, huh? So, listen, do you wanna grab a bite? - You wanna go to lunch with me? - Sure.
I just I feel like I have this connection with you.
And it will be fun.
Well, I guess I could go to lunch.
I already packed mine, but bologna keeps for a couple of days.
Ha, ha.
Afterwards, maybe we'll swing by my spa.
We'll make a day of it.
Come on.
Look, Babette, I have to be honest with you.
I'm a reporter for Scorch magazine.
That guy over there, he's a photographer.
We're working on an article about you being a shoplifter.
At least I am.
What are you talking about? I saw you take something from here the other day.
I don't want you to ruin your career over some blouse that will look stupid in two weeks, so put the stuff back and I'll forget about the article.
You guys in the media are all alike.
You try to tear us down to make your own lives seem less pathetic.
No, I'm not gonna write the article.
What makes you think I'm pathetic, the bologna? It's not like I fry it.
Miss Storm, is this woman disturbing you? Ahh, I'll be fine.
Just get the dress I ordered so I can go.
- Do not bother the famous people.
But I I think you'd better leave.
- James? Dieter, and I don't know this woman.
Well, at least let me get my stuff.
I'm really sorry, Miss Storm.
Please consider this a gift from us.
Thank you.
She was gonna take it anyway.
I'm telling you, she's got stuff in that bag.
She's ripping you off.
If she had merchandise, bells would be ringing and Gary Coleman would be searching her bags.
Come on.
And please don't tell anybody what happened.
I really want to keep this very quiet.
I didn't.
I swear.
James, a little help? Okay, but they're gonna do this for free down at the precinct.
Good morning, Cole.
Hey, how you doing, Sabrina? How's it going? So you heard.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Okay, I'm innocent.
Just so you know, I just got off the phone with our publisher about your little escapade.
- He screamed for five minutes.
- He's pretty upset, huh? Oh, he was getting a deep-tissue massage.
But for some reason, he won't let me fire you.
It's like you have some spell on him.
I don't.
Oh, wait, hang on.
No, I really don't.
You are very lucky you are not in jail right now.
Yeah, because I'd really hate to miss fall colors.
Thanks for getting me off the hook.
- Yeah, well, you're on borrowed time.
- Well, I was set up.
She pretended to be my friend.
She's a much better actor in real life than she is on the screen.
Can I just give you some advice? Journalism rule number one: Never get too close to your subject.
Rule number two: Never shoplift on company time.
You actually think I stole something? Sabrina, it's cool.
Everyone knows what Jonathan pays you.
- You do what you gotta do.
- Okay, first, I didn't do.
And second, everyone knows what I make? Yeah.
But hang in there, Congress is gonna raise it next year.
James, you were there with me.
You know I didn't steal anything, right? Hey, hey, relax.
Just ignore them, okay? You and I both know what happened.
- Besides, the camera don't lie.
- Thanks.
Uh-huh.
This came out way better than I thought.
James.
Hey, I've never been a bad girl before.
I look kind of hot.
I don't hear sewing machines.
Come on, ladies, back to work.
But we were watching our stories.
Yeah, yeah.
You'll be seeing The Guiding Light soon enough.
Come on, let's go.
What are you doing home? Well, I had to leave work.
I wanted a peaceful lunch without people leering at me like I was gonna steal their pickle.
Sabrina, Sabrina.
Do you understand the consequences of your actions? What if Babette Storm found out that we were roommates and decided not to wear the dress to her press conference? Oh, I'm sorry, Morgan.
I was only thinking of myself.
Thank God you have me as a role model.
Hey, there's my favorite cause.
Oh, Roxie.
Thank you.
I can't believe you had a T-shirt made up just for me.
I had it since I was kid.
It used to say, "Willy," but I scraped it off.
- That's how much I believe in you.
- It could be worse, I suppose.
It could say "Spay and Neuter your Sabrina.
" Come on, Sabrina.
Get even with this cheap tramp actress.
Call up the news stations, post the truth on her website.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe she has some other secret I could dredge up.
Here she is.
Look at this.
Four years ago, she was arrested for shoplifting.
Whoa, how do you steal a tanning bed? - Oh, first, she stole a truck.
- Hmm? The charges were dropped.
But I bet I could use all this to force a confession from Babette.
Where is she now? Look, it's her trailer from the movie set.
And there she is.
What's she doing? What do you think? She's stealing cable.
Eh? Just leave my lunch and go.
No, I'm here to talk.
Oh, it's you.
What are we doing, The Movie? - Are you ready to apologize? - Apologize? I was trying to keep you from getting into trouble.
Now, everybody thinks I'm a thief and a liar and an A-cup.
I was stealing that bra for my sister.
You think because you're a big star that laws don't apply to you, Carla Bernstein? Well, you know, you could have gotten me fired.
You could have ruined my career.
And I am fully capable of doing that on my own.
Look, I I didn't mean to get you in trouble.
Would it help if I called your boss and set everything straight? - That would be great.
- Okay.
And could you tell her that you'll let me do a feature on you? And, you know, you never did buy me that blouse.
Let's start with your boss.
Dial the number and I'll get on.
I'll just be in my trailer.
Thank you.
Hi, Annie? Sabrina.
Spellman.
The new girl? Look, Babette Storm has something to say to you.
Hold on a sec.
Babette? Babs? Elly May? Hey, ma'am.
We just got a call that someone stole Miss Storm's cell phone.
Can I see that? Annie? Yeah, she'll have to get back to you.
You are an embarrassment to this magazine.
In my defense, you thought that before this.
She set me up.
Why would I steal a cell phone? I have my own phone with way more minutes than anybody could possibly need.
Mostly nighttime and weekend minutes, but what I want Okay, could you? Please.
What I'm saying is I didn't do it.
Jonathan has managed to pull a few strings and Miss Storm has agreed not to press charges as long you get help.
Help? Help.
You must be new here.
Welcome to Klept-Anon.
I'm Cliff.
I fell off the wagon at Macy's on the way here.
Think of it as 100-percent-off sale.
Grab some coffee.
We're about to get started.
Everyone, we have a new member joining our group tonight.
Uh, would you like to introduce yourself? Hi.
I'm Sabs.
Jane Sabs.
And I am definitely not a kleptomaniac.
Mm-hm.
- I'm not.
Jane, we've all been in denial.
But sooner or later, you've got to confront your demons.
Oh, I've confronted demons.
Big hairy demons like you've never dreamt of.
But right now the demon I need to confront is Babette Storm.
You know Babette Storm? I love her.
I have been to all of her movies.
All right, I snuck in, but Well, she is a thief and a liar, and she was horrible as a submarine captain in that movie Courage Under Water.
Yeah, well, she's the one that belongs here.
I'm gonna prove it.
Oh, sorry.
I have one just like it at home.
I swear.
Hello, little Salem.
Granny May got you some very special kitty candy.
Oh, thanks, sweetheart.
Oops.
Did you just speak? Uh, no, it's the dementia setting in.
Oh, ha, thank God.
Jeez, it's like a kiln in here.
You're running a sweatshop.
These conditions are deplorable.
Oh, please, it's good for them.
It keeps them sharp.
Oh, Jeanette, don't eat the thread.
Workers have rights too, you know.
Come on, girls, you don't have to take this.
Let's stage a walkout.
Oh, nice try, rabble-rouser.
They're not walking out on me.
I've got their support hose.
So in sum, I'd say Never, Always is a story of hope, redemption and love.
Plus, you get to see my buns.
Excuse me, excuse me.
- Press coming through.
- We're all press.
Okay, then the shortest to the tallest.
You always seem to bring out the best in your co-stars.
- How do you do it? - Acting is like life.
I always try to give more than I take.
Oh, give me a break.
I've got a question, are you a shoplifter? Anyway, heh, I've played many different roles, and preparing for them is always about the search for truth.
Kind of how I live my life.
- Ugh, anybody got a shovel? - Could you sit down? Okay, it's time for some straight answers.
Whisper, mumble, scream or shout Let the honest truth come out What was it like working with the up-and-coming star, Billy Pape? Oh, a dear, dear person, aside from his limited acting skills and unlimited body odor.
Um, is it true that you stole several garments from the Monique store? I cannot tell a lie.
For some inexplicable reason, yes, heh, heh.
Yes, I did.
Ha, ha.
And on Thursday, did you put clothes in my bag after I warned you that I was reporter doing a story about your shoplifting? Uh, guilty.
Ha, ha.
That's all I got.
What else can you tell us about Miss Storm? Never give up an exclusive story.
Rule number one was never get too close Okay, so I haven't memorized all the rules.
I said, "I never give up an exclusive interview" and I ran right here.
Yeah, we know.
The press conference is webcast.
Really? Want to see what you missed by running here with your exclusive? Oh, my God.
Billy Pape showed up? The lead in the film was originally Julia Roberts, but I gave her food poisoning, forcing her to bow out at the last minute.
I also cheat on my taxes, ha, ha, and my husband.
And I altered my father's will when I found out he left all his money to charity.
You see how your shoplifting story kind of pales compared to this? Nice going.
Don't hate me because I'm her favorite.
What? You got another rule for me? Well, since you asked.
Journalism rule number four: Never yell stop the presses unless you're stuck in them.
I guess I really blew it.
Look, your instincts were right, you broke a big story.
You just broke it for 20 other writers.
You're gonna do great.
Hey, listen.
I had a rough start too.
It took Annie about a year before she stopped picking on me.
Well, what changed? You showed up.
Finally, someone appreciates me.
Now that all your workers walked out, how are you gonna fill your orders? Oh, I found even cheaper labor.
Wait until PETA hears about this.