Sabrina The Teenage Witch Episode Scripts

Bada-Ping!

You know what we need? All-purpose cleaner that doesn't burn a hole in the ozone.
Oh, they should just sew that thing up already.
Okay, but it will take a lot longer to get tan.
Look, with our hectic schedules, we really need a maid.
Morgan, we are three, healthy, strong young women.
We are perfectly capable of cleaning up after ourselves.
Oh, really? Then, why did you go out and buy that dress? I, well, I, uh I ran out of clean clothes.
All right, we need a maid.
You know, I'll chip in for one, but all I can focus on now is my Joey Skye interview.
Who is this Joey Skye? He's this great singer I discovered at the Lush Room.
I'm heading down there now, you wanna come? - Uh, no thanks.
Me neither.
I thought you worked at a hip magazine.
Why are you interviewing some old crooner? Joey Skye is 23 and gorgeous.
I'll take a quick shower, then I'll be right down.
Well, I did shave my legs.
It's a shame to let them go to waste.
Oh, pizza does not look good wet.
- Amanda, is that you? - Yeah.
I've been so bored, I thought I would hang out with someone cool.
Oh, well, I'm kind of busy right now.
Actually, I was talking about Salem.
Hey, little buddy.
This place is smokier than the bathroom in an all-girls school.
Yeah, what's with the flashy entrance? I mean, you may think coming in here in smoke looks cool, but it's a disgusting habit.
Ugh, yeah, well remind me to start listening again when the PSA is over.
You're right, I'm not your mother.
I shouldn't tell you what to do.
Oh, but put your hair back.
Why hide such a beautiful face? Sabrina, are you okay? We smell smoke.
Uh, I burned some toast.
All right, I gotta to work.
Help yourself to some leftovers.
And, uh, the soup of the day is cream of pizza.
I can't believe you didn't tell us Avril Lavigne was gonna be here.
I didn't know, she stopped to hear Joey's set.
Hey.
- Hi.
Hi, so am I gonna have to guess? Which one of you is Sabrina? I am.
I'm Sabrina, and these are my friends, Single and Desperate.
Have a seat.
- Actually, this is Roxie and Morgan.
- Nice to meet you.
So, uh, what do you wanna know? That was Avril.
She's headed for the bathroom.
I'm gonna ask her to sign my napkin.
Oh, Roxie, please go with her and keep her from crawling under the stall.
Right, we don't need a repeat of the Aretha Franklin incident.
So, uh, what do you wanna talk about? Okay, uh, well, when did you first start performing? First time, uh, let's see.
I sang, "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" at my godmother's birthday, I was 3.
That's so cute and a better choice than "Itsy Bitsy Spider.
" I mean between the bugs and the rain.
No wonder kids stay inside and get fat.
So, uh, what's your favorite kind of music to sing? I would have to say ballads.
Songs that express that one emotion that's more powerful than anything.
- Anger.
- Love.
- Love.
- Yeah.
Oh, you know, I guess it's been a while, and I'm angry about it.
So, uh, where will be you singing next? - Here.
- No, I mean after tonight? - Here.
- But what about any upcoming gigs? Joey, you're next.
Uh, Sabrina, this is Mickey Brentwood, the owner of the club.
Oh, very nice to meet you.
- Joey tells me you're a reporter.
- Yes, I am.
I don't like people who ask a lot of questions like that Alex Trebecka.
It's Alex Trebek, and technically he asks answers.
I don't like people who correct me, either.
This conversation is over.
Joey, let's go.
Break a leg.
Annie, do you remember Joey Skye, the new singer I've been wanting to write about? Well, since you told me yesterday, and I'm not an idiot, yes.
Last night, when I asked about singing at other clubs, he got weird.
Then the owner of the club had a stare down with me.
- I'm a blinker, so I lost.
- The point? I think there might be something going on there.
I mean, he's a great singer, and he sells the club out.
But, I think it's weird that he doesn't sing anywhere else.
All right, check it out but be careful.
Nightclub owners can get rough, so you wanna take someone with you.
Annie, are you saying you and I should hang out together? Not if we were conjoined at the sternum.
So you're busy.
Maybe some other time.
Sabrina, I couldn't help but hear, because I was eavesdropping.
But just so you know, I am an Eagle Scout.
And I am more than willing to be your bodyguard.
- Well, Leonard - Hey, check out these guns.
Come on, touch them.
Oh, I would, but I think there's a seven-day waiting period.
Thanks for the offer.
Fine, but, uh, just so you know, I spent three months as part of a very tough street gang.
- Really? - Yeah.
I was understudy for Riff in West Side Story.
Pow! Let's talk about the laundry.
We use the biodegradable detergent.
It doesn't get rid of stains, but I feel better about it.
Morning, Roxie.
Well, who is this? This is our new cleaning lady, Tatiana.
She's Ukrainian.
Tatiana, what a pretty name, for someone so squat.
How do you do? Dust, then laundry.
Oh, cute.
I hired someone too.
I found her name on a flyer.
In fact, that's probably her right now but Don't you worry, I will tell Kim that the job is already taken.
Mi mess es su mess.
Hi, I'm Kim of Kim's Cleaning.
Tatiana, you're fired.
In the future, please don't call me at the club.
- Why not? - Because.
- Because why? - Because.
Okay, can we throw in some verbs and nouns.
So, um, tell me about your relationship with Mickey Brentwood.
It's fine.
What else do you wanna know? Well, what if you sang somewhere other than the Lush Room? - Next question.
- Are you forced to sing exclusively? - Would you pass the salt, please? - Pass the Oh, is that code? Yeah, it's code for I need salt on my fries.
Okay, how about this? If you're being forced to sing at the Lush Room, nod your head.
Is that nodding or eating? Oh, my gosh, are you being forced to eat too? Okay, how about we try something else.
Uh If you were ketchup and you wanted to leave mustard to go across town to salt and pepper Not the little sassy hip-hop duo, these little guys, what would happen? - Oh.
- Now you get it? Yeah, I feel so bad for you.
I mean, not to mention the busboy.
I can't believe you're being threatened.
That's so unfair.
You should be free to sing wherever you want.
Joey, you have to let me write this up.
Okay.
Okay, but you have to promise me, you didn't hear this from me.
My lips are sealed.
First, I'm gonna finish these fries, but then my lips are so sealed.
If you print that story, you'll never work again.
You know what I'm saying, blonde person? Yeah, you're saying you had onions for lunch.
Why is it so hot in here? Morgan, you have it set on 95.
I really didn't notice.
Ah, Kim, Kim.
Don't forget to dust the top of the drapes.
- No problem.
I can't believe you.
What? I am watching a professional at work.
And believe me, your Soviet shot-putter couldn't have reached up there.
All I'm saying is Whoa, he got the gunk out of the remote.
We can watch in English again.
So it turns out Mickey Brentwood is forcing Joey to only sing at the Lush Room.
And Mickey is the guy who threatened you? Are you sure you wanna go ahead with this story.
Absolutely, it's an incredible scoop.
Oh, I don't like this.
You've been threatened by a nightclub owner.
Don't you watch HBO? What are you saying? I'm gonna be sleeping with the fishes? Wearing a cement overcoat? Have a boulder dropped on me from an overpass? - Wait, that's from The Road Runner.
- Okay, fine.
But if Wile E.
Coyote tries to flatten you with an Acme anvil, don't come running to me.
Hey, wanna join me for an emergency trip to Paris for silver hooped earrings? Uh, no, thanks, it already feels like a French bistro in here.
Besides, I'm working on an article.
- Ugh.
Snooze.
Actually, not for a change.
You see, this thug nightclub owner threatened our Lois Lame over here No.
I hate it when you cut me off.
It's a bad time, you go ahead.
It's always a bad time for you.
Au revoir.
Please don't do the - Smoke.
Ugh.
That kid should come with a warning label, gross.
Speaking of gross, headless cat at 4 o'clock.
Sorry, but I don't want Amanda knowing anything about this situation with Mickey Brentwood.
Ah, so you are worried? I have nothing to worry about.
If you don't believe, we'll take a trip to the future, I'll prove it.
Cool, road trip.
- Where are we? - I don't know.
But apparently in the future, you have a bad den.
Uh-oh.
I think someone we know dies.
Oh.
Whoa.
When he said, "You'll never work again," he meant not even part-time.
Let me get this straight.
You were excited about the article this morning, now you don't wanna write it.
It's not that I don't wanna write it.
It's just that, uh This is kind of a left-brain type article.
I happened to sleep on my left side last night, so that side is numb.
Now the right side is feeling bitter and neglected Can't you just call in sick like normal people? Well, that would be a left-brain function so Stop.
I'll assign it to someone.
Great.
No, not great, very bad.
Look, I can't put this off on someone else, I'll write the article.
Fine, but you and all your little voices better get to work.
This issue is going to press tomorrow, so you are on hard deadline, missy.
I'll line up a photo shoot.
Two words I did not need to hear: Dead and shoot.
I'm not too crazy about missy, either.
Hey, Leonard, I think I'll take you up on that bodyguard offer.
Oh, terrific.
You can call me anytime you want.
I really appreciate it.
You know, just not mornings between 8 and 9:15, I hit the gym.
And mid-day is bad, I usually have a lunch.
- And not nights after 10.
- Why not? - Well, I'm bathing Nana.
- Please tell me Nana's your dog.
It's 6:30, what's he still doing here? The sink needed plunging.
I guess there's a clog in the drain.
This was stuck in there.
Oh, I was wrong, it wasn't a clog.
It was a pump.
Listen, Morgan, before I go, you know how you were staring at me all day? Mm-hm.
- Oh, no, here we go.
Sexual harassment works both ways, you know.
I was wondering, would you be interested in going out with me? I have to work tomorrow, but maybe we can do lunch? - Sounds fantastic.
- Great.
Ah.
Sexual harassment.
Like a fox.
Are you crazy? You found out you're gonna get bumped off, and you're still writing this article? Look, I'll worry about my article, you worry about coyotes.
Will you stop with the smoke? And don't you have an alchemy final tomorrow? Whoa, who died and made you my boss? Funny you should mention dying.
- Salem.
- What? Okay, something weird is going on.
I think you should tell her.
You know, so someone could call the police besides the cat.
All right, it's possible that there's some connection between writing this story and my untimely youthful death.
Oh, I love those earrings.
Are they from Paris? Wait a minute, you're going to die? Hey, Sabrina, if you bite the dust, can I have your red silk robe? It makes me feel like a pretty kitty.
You can't write that article, Sabrina.
Oh, I'll be fine.
It's nothing to worry about.
But you'll be dead and buried, a corpse, worm food.
Okay, when you put it like that, it is a downer.
Look, if you're hell-bent on writing this piece, at least protect yourself.
Change the names.
No, I can't do that.
I'm gonna tell the truth because I'm a journalist.
And a real journalist uses real names.
- You changed the names.
- I had to, to protect my sources.
So our sources will be safe, but our readers will be bored.
Oh, well, we don't want to distract from the ads, do we? Well, I'll print it, but only because I gotta fill the space.
But I am not happy.
You don't understand.
I had to change the names.
I think.
By using pseudonyms instead Will I end up alive or dead Well, at least, my coffin is microwave safe.
So he plans on killing me anyway? Well, he doesn't know who he's dealing with.
Annie, print the article with the real names.
- Are you sure? - Yes, do it before I change my mind.
Don't do it.
Yes, do it, go.
Start the presses.
Flower delivery, my lady.
It looks like you have a secret admirer, besides me.
Oops.
Now, it's not a secret.
Black roses? "I hope you like this arrangement, don't forget ours.
Mickey.
" Are you in some kind of trouble? Uh, Leonard, I never thought I would say this but, um Do you wanna come home with me tonight? Ha, ha.
Tonight? Ahem.
Uh.
Oh, I can't, it's, uh Whew.
Uh, spinning class.
You know, I'll be too dizzy.
Okay, well, any other secret admirers want to come home with me tonight? Uh, any professional wrestlers? Thai kickboxers? Anyone with super-hero pajamas? " and so, due to this immoral contract, the only place that uber-talented Joey Skye will see his star rise is over the Lush Room.
" I hope you know what you're doing.
I do, except for that "uber" thing.
Wow, speaking of uber thing, who is that? That's our new maid.
Morgan's dating the help? Oh, now it makes sense.
Well, thanks for lunch.
See you around.
Oh, all right.
Oh, wait.
You have some dirt under your right nail, hold on.
Oh, thanks again, bye-bye.
Oh, but you have some schmutz on your face, I'll get it.
You know, while I'm here, I would love to work on these pores.
Oh, that is it, get out.
- Can't we make a plan for next time? - No, we can't.
You are too obsessed with your work.
You're the only guy who has asked me to take off my clothes so he could iron them.
Goodbye.
Roxie, get me the name of that squat uranium lady.
I was so worried about you, Sabrina.
I don't want you to die.
Don't worry, nobody's dying.
Some of us are choking.
I'm really worried about you.
Look, I can keep Mickey Brentwood from knocking me off.
I'll just lay low and stay out of dangerous situations.
I'll be fine, really.
You wanna sleep over? That's it, I'm getting dressed and going down there.
I'm not gonna let that thug intimidate me.
What's going on? Amanda, it's time to face my fears.
I'm going to the Lush Room for a sit-down with the enemy.
Ha.
Not without me.
Hang on, I'll get dressed.
Well, make it fast, because I wanna get right down there and tell that ignorant swaggering goon that he better back off.
But, I'll tell Mickey Brentwood that he's absolutely charming.
Sabrina, you've done me a great dishonor by printing this.
Look, I'm really sorry, but I had to.
Joey Skye's a very talented singer.
I mean, the Lush Room is lovely and the cider is to die for, so to speak, but holding him back is so wrong.
You're trying to ruin me, aren't you? You're gonna ruin me.
No, I'm not trying to ruin anybody.
I just think Joey should be free to live his own life.
It's very tough out there.
They'll eat him alive.
Oh, like you care about that.
He's your cannoli ticket, you big meatball.
- Meatball? - Sorry, I'm hungry.
I'm just trying to protect him, that's all.
Oh, what are you, his mother? Uh, I mean, his father? Oh, my gosh, you are his father.
Why doesn't he tell people you're related? Because I talk funny or something.
Maybe he's embarrassed.
Oh, don't cry, or I'll be embarrassed of you too.
- Here.
- Oh, thank you very much.
What's the worst that can happen if he sings at other clubs? He'll desert me.
You know, he'll go to his fancy schmancy auditoriums.
He'll get a record deal.
He'll go on that MTVPlugged Up.
- Those are good things.
- Okay, okay.
I'm afraid he'll forget about his papa.
Mickey, you can't let your fears run your life.
I mean, sure, Joey will probably go out on his own.
But he'll come back and visit for weekends and national holidays.
You think? I hope so.
This was good, I feel much better.
Thank you very much.
And, uh, now, what can I do for you? Uh, please don't kill me? What is that? You think I would hurt someone so beautiful? I would hope not.
Ha, ha.
Thanks for the tissues.
Hey, someday you're gonna get married, and I'm gonna give you a very good rate on my big room, okay? I'm a softie.
Hey, open the car door.
I'm coming out.
Why are you just standing around? Nice guy, taught me a lot.
Okay, let's go down to that club and witch-slap this guy.
Oh, we don't have to go.
He was just here.
What? What happened? Are you okay? I'm fine, it's all taken care of.
He won't be bothering me anymore.
Oh, I'm so relieved.
We should make it a point to hang out more often, not just when one of our lives is at stake.
Yeah, I would like that.
Far be it from me to break up this love fest, but you still don't know how you died.
I don't die anymore.
I changed my destiny.
Mickey likes me now.
I'm getting married in the big room.
Yeah, but what if Salem's right? Look, relax, I'll ping us into the future and show you.
All this time and I didn't even know she was a smoker.
She wasn't.
Didn't you hear what the doctor said? No.
Although I did notice, he wasn't wearing a wedding ring.
Morgan, she died of second-hand smoke.
But we don't smoke.
It must have been someone from work.
Or from somewhere else.
I am so sorry.
No more smoke, I promise.
Good.
I hate to see you like this.
Hey, don't forget I'm half mortal, but I'm also half witch.
So it could be centuries before I actually die.
But when I do, promise not to bury me with my bra strap showing? It's very hot in here.
You mind if I take shirt off? - No.
- No.
It's just not the same, is it? - Nope.
- No.