Sabrina The Teenage Witch Episode Scripts

A Fish Tale

I am so sorry.
My assistant will be spoken to and dealt with.
Gloria, another screw-up like that and you're out of here.
Oh, boy, here come the tears.
Gotta go.
Wow, I'm beginning to feel sorry for your imaginary assistant.
Well, she's the one not doing her imaginary job.
I accidentally sent my editor the guest list to my wedding instead of my article, so now she's mad it's late and that she wasn't invited.
Oh, poor Sabrina.
How about a pick-me-up? How about a put-that-down? Aaron and I promised each other we'd open our wedding presents together.
A steam iron and some fresh tape and he'll be none the wiser.
I'd never do that.
I'd take it to the airport and have it x-rayed.
Aaron and I have this weird thing between us.
- Trust? - Oh, I have one of those.
Mine's offshore.
I haven't paid taxes in years.
Salem, what are you doing? Inventory.
By the way, about your china pattern, Colonial floral? Did you pick it out over the phone? Oh, I had no idea you were so interested in China.
Eh? Oh, man.
It's gonna take me forever to mark my territory.
"Roommate Wanted for Immediate Opening.
" Immediate? So until the wedding I sleep in the garage? Oh, thanks, I was afraid that was gonna be a tough conversation.
We're not pushing you out, but you are moving to L.
A.
We gotta start making some sort of plans.
We're gonna miss you so much.
- I'm gonna miss you too.
- Uh-huh.
Can this wait? Those telephone poles fill up fast.
We won't be long.
You're actually letting those two dizzy dames live here after we catch the trolley to Tinseltown? Don't worry, I've got an Other Realm contractor coming to disconnect the portal, and your vocal cords.
So there won't be any more magical surprises popping in.
Like that.
What the? I don't think the Other Realm knew about the wedding.
It's not who knows, it's what they sent.
And whether it's in my size.
Okay, here goes.
You never know with Other Realm gifts.
It could be a time machine, the Eighth Wonder of the World or corncob holders.
Oh.
I was gonna get you a box.
Yeah, I think I know where this is going.
I just didn't think it would take so long to get there.
Oh, just want I always wanted: - An ice cube.
- An ice cube? Aunt Irma.
Ooh, these clever entrances are wreaking havoc on my spine.
Aunt Irma, what a lovely What a pleasant What a surprise.
Well, it shouldn't be.
I believe you have something to share? Not really.
Let's see.
I switched shampoos.
I got new tires.
- I'm getting married - That's the one.
Congratulations.
Ha, ha.
Really? You're okay with this? I mean, no death and destruction? No plague of scorpions? Not unless you registered for them.
Now, you know where I stand on witches marrying mortals.
Usually on their necks.
But, if you insist, I suppose this Harvey Kinkle is the least offensive of the lot.
Harvey, Aunt Irma Welcome to the family.
- I'm not marrying Harvey.
- What? I'm okay.
So who is this mystery groom? Does he come from a good witch family? Good, bad, who are we to judge? He's a witch, isn't he? Because if he isn't: Oh, man, and that was the only wedding present I liked.
Well, I can tell you this, his mother's a real witch and his father's a bit of a gnome.
Splendid, I must meet this boy now.
No, Aaron hates being popped in.
I mean, he hates anything pop.
Pop music, popcorn, he doesn't even like Mary Poppins.
Ha, ha.
Who does? Chirpy little twit.
I look forward to meeting him tonight at dinner.
- Tonight? Kind of late notice.
- Mm-hm.
Sabrina, without my blessing, there will be no wedding.
Chicken or fish? You do realize she thinks Aaron's a witch? Yeah, that's kind of what I was going for.
You heard her.
You saw the shards of pottery.
- I had no choice.
- Ha.
Well, at least you don't have to worry about what's for dinner: Your butt in a sling.
Well, maybe I'll start with a salad.
Okay, what do you think? Does this vinaigrette say, "Please don't kill my fiancé"? That's a lot of pressure to put on a salad dressing.
Mm.
But, heck, it is tangy.
Okay, all I have to do now is convince Aunt Irma to keep believing that Aaron's a witch and I'll have her blessing before dessert.
As long as everything goes according to plan.
Oh, not according to plan.
- What are you guys doing here? - Roommate interviews.
We need the table.
It gives us the illusion of power.
Can you give the illusion of doing it somewhere else? - You can't stay here.
- Why? Why? I'll tell you exactly why.
Oh, here's why.
Because people who respond to flyers on telephone poles are total whack-jobs.
You want them knowing where you live? Well, they're going to have to know if they're going to live here.
Right.
Why don't we pre-screen them at the diner? Good idea.
Who cares if they know where the diner is? - Even crazy people have to eat.
- I'm hungry.
- Go that way.
- Why can't we use the front door? Why? I'll tell you exactly why.
Later.
I'm coming.
I'm coming.
Fresh-picked daisies.
Thought they'd help me get on your aunt's good side.
Yeah, well, she hasn't a good side.
Aunt Irma's a nut.
No, correction.
She's a kook.
Oh, check that.
She's insane.
Her condition seems to be deteriorating as we speak.
Yeah, but don't mention that to her.
Uh Whatever she says, just embrace it.
Play along, but don't question her.
Ha, ha.
Sabrina, calm down.
I'm sure I can handle your aunt.
- By the way, when does she get here? - Now.
Whoa.
- Where did you come from? - The Big Dipper.
Oh, I love it there.
It's an armpit.
Do you visit the outer reaches often? I feel like I am right now.
Ha, ha.
Oh, Aaron loves to travel the galaxy, although he's surprisingly down to earth and plays along really well.
Right, right.
I mean, just last week I was backpacking on Mars.
Oh, my 16th husband died in a backpacking accident on Mars.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, don't be.
Fortunately for me, they were never able to prove a thing.
Okay, well, who's hungry? Oh, I'm famished.
What's for dinner? Well, I thought I'd let you choose.
What would you like for dinner? Oh, don't go to any trouble.
I Oh, maybe prime rib, horseradish, creamed spinach, baked potatoes and hot rolls.
Easy.
And, Aaron, where shall we eat? In here? Or in there? Well, I think since it's a special night, we should eat in there.
Oh, well done.
And I don't mean the meat.
Let's eat.
Ha, ha.
Well, shall we? Oh, what manners.
Ha-ha-ha.
Oh.
And such manly magic.
Manly? Well, I guess I could use a manicure.
I always pay my rent in advance, and love to cook and clean.
Uh, oh, and my father, he owns a chain of women's shoe stores.
Oh, I have met Mr.
Right and she is a woman.
When can you move in? What she means is, we'll be in touch.
Did I mention my brother's a fireman? Swell.
You can go now.
I'll call you.
What is your problem? She's perfect.
Let's just say she's no Sabrina.
Yeah, no Sabrina is why we're here.
If we don't find a roommate, we are gonna be living on the street.
Oh, maybe we could time-share a dumpster.
I'm sorry, but no one's ever gonna compare to Sabrina.
So I have to move out of the greatest house ever unless we find someone who's exactly like Sabrina? I'm just not gonna settle.
Hey, I hear you guys are looking for a roommate and I'm looking for a room.
- So maybe - I'm sorry.
I don't think so.
Well, your loss.
Gotta go.
Wait, wait, wait.
What did you just say? I said I gotta go? Please, they were practically separated at birth.
So, Betty, huh? Is that short for "Bettrina"? Mm.
Delicious.
The last decent prime rib I had was for my 600th birthday.
Oh, Charlemagne was such a scamp.
Oh, where does the time go? Oh, you know time.
It flies.
When you're off your meds.
I'm sorry.
I can't sit here and listen to this any longer.
You actually expect me to believe that you're over 1,000 years old? Because you, Irma, don't look a day over 500.
Oh, I like this boy.
Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, he's a heart-stopper all right.
- So tell me, what do you fly? - Fly? Oh, Aarons a big flyer.
He flies all the time.
You know, kites, flags, and occasionally off the handle.
And when I have the time, my vintage Mustang.
Now, she really flies.
Do you wanna see her? She's right outside.
Oh, lovely.
A classic.
I must say, Sabrina.
You have quite a catch here.
Oh, thank you, Irma.
And you have my blessing.
Woo-hoo! She fell for Aaron.
Just like I did.
I'll get the pudding.
Well, Salem, you doubting tomcat, I just got Irma's blessing to marry my witch fiancé.
Now I can just relax and enjoy Oh, no, you guys can't be here.
And yet we are.
Sabrina, Betty.
- Bettrina.
- Okay, the name is Betty.
Oh, my gosh.
Seeing the two of you next to each other, it's uncanny.
- We're giving her a house tour.
- Fine, great.
Start upstairs and show Betty every square inch of everything.
You can't make a decision about a place until you've slept there.
Don't come down until you've had a good night's sleep.
Whoa, I am having a Mary-Kate and Ashley moment.
Have you ever thought about dying your hair blonde? This better be some room.
Here.
Don't say I never gave you anything.
Looks like we'll have to call it an early night.
The cat got into the Where's Aunt Irma? Ahh! Did she violate the immutable laws of physics and do something completely inexplicable? If she did, I can explain.
Maybe you can explain what he's doing here.
He? He who? He Harvey.
Your aunt's fawning over him in the living room.
What you talking about? Aaron's not a witch.
No, wait, what he means is, Aaron is not a witch that you can take lightly.
I mean, he is all-powerful in his witchy, witchy ways.
Witchy ways? Yeah, what she said.
You lied to me.
Lied? No.
All I did was deliberately mislead you at every possible turn.
But in my defense, you did say that Aaron was quite a catch.
That's true.
I did.
And now he's the catch of the day.
We always talked about a house in the country, but a little castle in pea gravel wouldn't not be so bad.
Are you trying to kiss me? Talk to me? Or is none of this making sense because you're a fish? Aaron, I'm Irma, please, be reasonable.
Well, she should know better than to try to make a fool out of me.
Sabrina, don't worry, everything's gonna be okay.
Yeah, it will now.
You were standing on my air hose.
- Oops, my bad.
- Yeah.
No kidding, your bad.
You're single-handedly destroying my relationship.
Don't be angry with Harvey.
You have no one to blame but yourself.
I'm sorry that my choices don't fit with your view of the world, but it doesn't give you the right to do this.
Ha.
Sabrina, the one with the biggest magic makes the rules.
Look, you mean, vindictive crone, you're not gonna get away with this.
Okay, I'm gonna do whatever it takes to walk down the aisle with Aaron.
Or swim, as the case may be.
Did she just call me a crone? Actually, it was vindictive crone.
I'm not helping, am I? Oh, boy, a goldfish.
- Can I eat him? - That's Aaron.
So is that a yes or a no? Sabrina, I am so sorry.
I didn't do it on purpose, I swear.
Besides, you know I always thought there was something fishy about him.
Sorry.
Well, you want to redeem yourself? Here, you watch Aaron.
I'm gonna go try to make a man out of him.
You know what I mean.
Wait.
No, you can't go in there.
Oh, well, tour's over.
Thanks for stopping by.
No, no, not over.
That room's perfect for Bettrina.
Please stop calling me that.
Oh, four walls, closet, ceiling, a window or two.
Ha, ha.
But the real excitement is in the cellar.
Why don't you guys show her that? Don't go in the living room.
Is that my sweater? Yeah, doesn't it look great on her? You guys are gonna need name tags for me to tell you apart.
Is she part of the deal? It's negotiable.
Spellman family alert.
Stop.
Emergency.
Stop.
Aunt Irma must be stopped.
Stop.
Oh, I gotta stop stopping.
Sabrina, I swear, it wasn't my fault.
It's okay.
I'm sending out a distress call.
No, this new thing that's not my fault, is also not my fault.
Say hello to Roxie and Morgan.
No.
They startled Aunt Irma.
She doesn't have much of a safety on that ping finger.
I'll have to add this to the charges that are presented to the Witches' Council.
I'm arming myself with every possible spell.
- Where's Aaron? - Oh, it's okay.
- Betty's watching him.
- What? You left a strange woman and a hungry cat with my fish? I mean fiancé.
Okay, there he is.
No, that's just a piece of pasta.
Oh, my gosh.
What have you done? Sorry, I thought goldie looked like he could use a little more water and You flushed my fia I mean my fish down the drain? Honey, calm down.
They're 25 cents at any school carnival.
- Here, watch these.
- Oh, no, I hate cats.
I can't Get enough of these furry little creatures.
Let's see if we can find a box for you in the garage.
You and I are going fishing.
Hang on, Aaron.
I'm coming.
Whoa! I have a whole new respect for my plumber.
Yuck.
That is so disgusting.
Even I wouldn't go down there.
Ha, ha.
Wow, this place is filthy.
I'm calling my city councilman.
I can't believe this.
Most marriages end up in the sewer.
Mine's starting out there.
The lighting is surprisingly good down here, which isn't too good.
Why is this so hard? Sabrina, come on, we've got, like, We just started looking.
No, this, me and Aaron.
Why is it so hard? It seems like the entire universe is conspiring against us.
I wish everyone would leave us alone and let us get married.
I'm sorry, I know I haven't made things any easier.
Harvey, I didn't mean I know this has been hard on you too.
But, ah! Goldfish.
That's him.
Oh, it's just an orange sock.
What if I never find him? Yeah, what if? - I think I got something.
- Careful.
Give him some play or he'll snap the line.
- What? - What? My dentist has a lot of fishing magazines.
Okay, reel him in.
Right.
Get ready to hit him with a hammer.
There will be no hammering of the fish.
Harvey, you found him.
Yeah.
Yeah, I did.
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
I'm sure you'd do just fine.
Wait a minute.
If you've got Aaron, then what have I got? Oh, dear.
A long bath coming.
Okay, Aunt Irma, we're gonna settle this once and for all.
Put down those three kittens.
Three? Betty.
It was inevitable.
Ah, the odds have shifted.
Advantage, cats.
Oh, I see you found your fishy friend.
Ha, ha.
And I'd heard the relationship had gone down the drain.
Look, I'm gonna ask you for the last time, and please Note the prominent use of the word, "please.
" Please turn Aaron back into a man.
And I'm telling you for the last time, I will not let you marry this mortal.
Fine, then you leave me no choice.
What are you doing? Giving up my magic.
Sabrina, are you sure you really want to do that? If this is the only way that Aaron and I can be married, yes, it's what I wanna do.
Ha-ha-ha.
So you think just because you've made this sacrifice I am going to be all boo-hoo and your beloved will be a biped? I can live without the boo-hoo, but you can't object to two mortals getting married.
Oh, well, guess what.
I can and I do.
So you can give up your magic, stomp your foot, slam your door, but I am not turning him back.
You are the meanest aunt ever.
It's too late to kiss up to me.
We are not done.
If it takes me the rest of my life, I am gonna marry this fish Man.
Oh, I've got to quit doing that.
Irma, why are you doing this? Hmm.
I have my reasons.
Harvey, how would you like to be an all-powerful being? Hey, I work out.
What would you say if I offered you Sabrina's magic? Thanks, I'm good.
Oh, come on now, Harvey.
Don't tell me there isn't something or someone you desire? Magic can make many things happen.
Don't worry, I may not have my magic, but I still know people.
I have to say, you're holding up well under the circumstances, and you're really a great swimmer.
Aaron.
- Ahem.
- Ooh.
What's going on? Uh, well, you fainted.
And your eyes rolled back, tongue came out.
Not pretty.
So you put me in a bathtub with all my clothes on? You would have done the same for me.
Here.
Dry off.
I'll be back.
Aunt Irma, I don't know what made you change your mind, but thank you for turning him back into a man.
Well, obviously that boy loves you very much.
He really does, and if you'll just give him a chance, you'll see why I love Aaron too.
Aaron? I was talking about Harvey.
I gave him the powers of the universe.
Well, your magic, actually.
Wait, so Harvey changed Aaron back? Why couldn't I do that? You were trying to undue my spell.
He was trying to make you happy.
Turns out his was a much more powerful motive.
Can't believe he did that for me.
Oh, so marry a mortal.
Don't expect to see me at your wedding.
Oh, so this does have a happy ending.
Bye, Aunt Irma.
Oh, wait, what about our three furry friends? Oh, fine.
I'll just write off the entire day.
Whoa.
What's going on? What are we doing? I don't know, but you two are freaks.
Guys, if Aaron comes slogging down the stairs, tell him I'll be right back.
I've got a big thank-you to deliver.
I can't believe that I thought you were anything like Sabrina.
What are you, some kind of a sorceress? Ha, ha.
Yeah.
Watch me disappear.
I am so sorry, Roxie.
You know, you were right.
We are never gonna find anyone to replace Sabrina.
I told you.
And for some reason, I feel like drowning my sorrows in a bowl of cream.
I'm more in a raw tuna kind of mood.
Harvey, it's me.
I just want to thank you.
Harvey? Harvey? May your life be filled with happiness and with the magic only you can create.
I'll always love you.
Harvey.
Goodbye, Harvey.
- I can't believe Harvey's really gone.
- Neither can I.
Oh, it's just tragic.
He was a great guy.
I know, we were so close.
Tell me about it.
We could have had him moved in here by the weekend.
It wouldn't have worked anyway.
He never would've worn the sweater.
Oh, good point.