Scream Queens (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - Pilot

You have to come.
Something really bad happened.
Did you just get your period all over yourself? This isn't my blood.
Holy crap! Who told you you could have a baby here tonight? Guys, I'm so sorry.
Obviously, I'm as upset as anyone about this.
I'm sure I can walk if I can just get some Gatorade.
I don't care if you can walk.
How are we supposed to get you to the front door without everyone seeing you all gross and postpartum? No one wants to see that at a party.
Of course.
Uh This is super embarrassing.
I didn't even know I was pregnant.
I just thought it was the freshman 15.
I thought I was having a bread baby.
You are officially the worst Kappa pledge of all time.
Okay, we have to get her help.
You guys, they're playing "Waterfalls.
" Is that a baby? Amazing.
Look, this is our song.
TLC! I am not missing "Waterfalls" for this.
"Waterfalls" is my jam.
We can't just leave her.
We'll be back after this song.
Give the baby some mojito to quiet it down.
Kappa! You guys, I'm such a good babysitter.
I brought you some Bartles and Jaymes.
What the hell? What's wrong with her? She looks awful.
She's dead.
How do you know she's dead? Because her eyes are stuck open.
I tried to touch one, but she didn't move.
Dude, that is so gross.
I can't even wear contact lenses because that freaks me out so much.
She's dead.
Okay? What the hell are we gonna do? Good morning, sluts.
Good morning, Chanel.
My name is Chanel Oberlin, and I am the queen of Kappa Kappa Tau.
These are my minions.
I don't know their names.
I don't want to know their names.
They're known as Chanel #2.
Chanel #3.
Chanel #5.
I'm Chanel #1, obvi.
There was a Chanel #4, but she got meningitis.
She was like, "I'm sick.
I have to go home.
" And I was like, "No.
" But she went home anyway, and then she died.
So another thing I was right about.
I'll see you ladies in bio.
I have a colonic at 10:00.
A lot of people talk smack about how sororities are exclusive and they're a class system.
Well, guess what.
Life is a class system.
And a sorority is the one place left in the world where you get to pick and choose the people around you.
That obese specimen of human filth scrubbing bulimia vomit out of the carpet is Ms.
I call her White Mammy because she's essentially a house slave.
Watch this.
Excuse me, White Mammy.
You're not allowed to call me that.
I have a question.
And it's just a hypothetical.
If I asked you if you knew somethin' 'bout birthin' babies or if you didn't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies what would you say? I'd say I don't know.
Don't know? I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies.
Thank you.
Oh, still a lot of puke to scrub.
Let's make that a priority.
The things you say are hilarious - and poignant.
- Thank you.
Yeah, you have an amazing skill at telling people what they need to hear.
I'm sorry.
Did I ask you to pull down my panties and blow a compliment up my butt? Nobody likes a suck-up, Chanel #5.
Oh, Ms.
Chanel, I almost forgot.
The Dean of Students called, and she needs to see you right away.
I'm gonna be honest.
I hate sororities, and I hate you.
For years, I've seen the damage these so-called sisterhoods have had on young girls.
Do you think you like to munch box because your last name is Munsch, or is that just a coincidence? First of all, I'm not a lesbian.
Second, this is exactly what I'm talking about.
You see, out in the real world, people just don't talk that way to other people.
It's not normal.
Now, I'm not sure you're aware, but I'm no longer Associate Dean.
After Dean Reynolds' unfortunate passing over the summer, I was promoted to her position.
Well, that sure sounds suspicious.
I snuck into the home of my 80-year-old colleague of 20 years and dropped a transistor radio in her bathtub so I could get a five percent raise.
Take your glasses off.
Now, Dean Reynolds' oversight of Greek life at this school was so negligent that it bordered on criminal.
And Kappa is the source of rampant reports of alcoholism, prescription drug abuse, racism, as well as allegations of bestiality No one forced that goat to get as drunk as it got.
That's on him.
But all of it is like children playing in a sandbox compared to the horrors that occurred at Kappa last spring.
This is the final police report on the assault on your presidential predecessor at Kappa, Melanie Dorkess.
That girl was a bitch who thought she was all that because her family founded the Olive Garden and she had no gag reflex.
My main problem with you, Chanel, is that you're short.
And, historically, short people are sneaky backstabbers, like Napoleon or Paul Shaffer.
I asked, but the dry cleaner said they couldn't rush the clothes.
I'm so sorry.
I'm not finished.
I could actually handle that you're built like a Thai lady boy, but what I can't stand is that you think you're my heir apparent.
The Greek system is under fire all over the country.
The next president of this house has to be willing to dance with the devil himself to keep this thing of ours going.
And, baby, you ain't got it.
I'm sorry, Chanel.
You are no longer invited on my plane down to Punta Mita for spring break.
Please don't do this to me.
Don't you want me to spray-tan you? I have it all ready.
No, Chanel.
I would honestly rather not have you around.
Someone turn me into Jada Pinkett Smith.
The police still can't figure out who filled that tank with hydrochloric acid.
You know what I think? I think you did it.
I think you knew that with her out of the way, Kappa would be yours for the taking.
I'm flattered.
But like the final police report says, the manufacturer of said spray tan settled with Melanie out of court.
It's good enough for me, and the D.
, who, last I heard, considers the case closed.
This is personal for me, Chanel.
You represent everything that is wrong with young girls nowadays, and I'm gonna take you and that so-called kingdom you call a sorority down, and I'm gonna start by revoking its charter.
Uh Chanel, I can take it from here.
Gigi Caldwell.
Hi, hi, hi.
I'm president of the national chapter of Kappa Kappa Tau.
What is that skirt? Uh, it's Forenza.
So, um you can't revoke our charter.
I'm so sorry.
That'll be up to the board of trustees.
Your organization might want to find a lawyer.
I am the lawyer.
I graduated summa cum laude from a fourth-tier law school in the Caribbean, so I'm a pretty smart cookie.
Okay, you can't let her revoke our charter.
My career depends on it.
Every year, the head of Kappa gets a year-long internship with Good Morning America and Kappa sister Diane Sawyer.
How else am I supposed to become a network news anchor? Are you done? Okay, Chanel, why don't you head back to the house and start getting it ready for rush.
It's gonna be a totally rad one this year.
We have a side boob mixer, followed by a white party, where everyone is encouraged to wear/be white.
In regards to your fatwa against me, Dean Box Munch, I'm sure you are aware that my daddy is the largest donor to this university's endowment.
I would not get personal with me, sweetheart.
I don't fight fair.
I may not be able to revoke its charter today, but there is no way that Kappa, at least the way it's constituted now, is surviving the year.
You know what, I could not agree with you more.
May I make a suggestion? I, uh, I made a playlist for the ride.
Check it out.
Let me see.
Oh, let me guess, "Grace College Drive"? You're so literal.
I just hope it's not maudlin.
Big word, college girl.
Dad, are you kidding? What? I am sentimental.
You know, when I took you to see Twilight in the theater, it was your first PG-13 movie.
Come on.
Team - Edward.
- Yes.
Team Edward.
Look, I'm-I'm totally freaking out about all this, okay? Y You're all I got, Gracie.
No pressure or anything.
And I know this I know this makes me a loser, but, uh You're my best friend.
Well, it does make you a loser.
Look, Dad, I'm really gonna be fine.
I went online, and Wallace University is one of the safest campuses in the nation.
I I know, okay? I'm I'm I'm gonna ask you one more time.
- Dad - Please don't join a sorority.
- Dad, we already talked about this.
- Look, girls are vicious, okay? And I know you think sororities are some kind of, like, magical sisterhood, but it's actually Game of Thrones once you pull back the veneer.
Dad, Mom died when I was two years old, okay? I don't have any of my own memories.
I've got the stories that you tell me and a few old photographs that survived the fire and this.
You know, there's that one photo of her in the sorority house, and she's with her sisters, and she just looks so happy.
Every time I've pictured her, it's with this pin on her formal dress and a big smile on her face.
I just feel like if I join Kappa, it'll be like I'm following in her footsteps.
And how many other chances am I gonna have to feel close to her like that? Okay, so, um You ready? Just like we planned.
Three-second silent hug, and then you leave.
And-and no eye contact.
- Right.
- Okay.
Ooh, somebody call CSI, because there was a murder scene in that bathroom.
I'm Zayday.
I'm your roommate.
Uh, hi.
I'm-I'm Grace.
And what-what's wrong with the bathroom? Someone puked in the sink, and I'm pretty sure I saw an actual ringworm climbing up the wall.
I'm not afraid of anything, but that bathroom scared the crap out of me.
I've got to get out of this dorm room.
Was that your dad who ran out crying before? Yeah.
I know, it's, like, super dorky, but we're really close.
Where's your mom? She died when I was really little, so I don't really remember her.
My mom was mostly out the picture, too.
I was raised by my grandma, who told me every day, if I really, really applied myself, I could get out of Oakland and grow up to be the first black woman president.
And here you are.
That's amazing.
Yeah, except she was serious.
My grandma ain't no joke.
She like Tiger Woods' daddy.
Trying to make me golf and everything.
Girl, I was terrified I was gonna get some religious freak or a cutter for a roommate, but you're dope.
Well, I don't think I'm gonna be in the room for very long.
I'm rushing Kappa Kappa Tau.
Hey, why don't you join with me? - Girl, I'd rather die.
- Ooh, come on.
This is gonna be a year of infinite possibilities.
I can feel it.
And if you are serious about becoming president someday, becoming president of Kappa is not a bad place to start.
Actually, you make a good point.
Don't look so excited.
It's not diet.
Cindy McCain is pretty much - who I want to be when I grow up.
- Me, too.
Or Megyn Kelly.
Hold this.
It's too heavy.
Your role models are awesome, and you're legacies, so you're a total lock to get in.
Sisters, potential pledges, I have an important announcement to make.
I am bursting like a piece of Freshen-Up.
Anyway, Dean Munsch and I were talking about how to bring Kappa Kappa Tau into the 21st century.
Now, what's cool these days is a global community free of cliques Let's cut to the chase.
This year, Kappa will be required to accept anyone who wishes to become a pledge.
Things just got interesting.
I'm in? I'm in? Yeah, you in, girl.
You in.
If you're enrolled at this university, you are free to become a pledge at Kappa Kappa Tau.
The doors are open to the public.
Don't! You can't do this! You didn't knock! You know what that means.
Rules are rules.
Thank you.
Now, what is it? You have to come downstairs.
This is a total nightmare.
If this is our pledge class, I'm killing myself.
And then Munsch.
Look at them.
They're the dregs of society.
I can't believe this.
Each one of these gashes is worse than the next.
I spent the last two weeks learning the whole history of Kappa Kappa Tau.
It was founded in 1837 at Miami University in Oxford, Ohio.
Hester Ulrich, history major.
She smells like hot dog water, and probably sprained her neck giving blumpkins down at the local bowling alley.
I love Taylor Swift.
I know the lyrics to every one of her songs, and I don't let the fact that I'm deaf stop me from singing them at the top of my lungs whenever I get the chance.
Deaf Taylor Swift.
Tiffany something.
And like all deaf people, she has horrible halitosis.
Look, I'm not saying that all heterosexual sex is rape.
I'm saying all heterosexual sex is gross, and that deep down, every woman knows this.
Predatory Lez.
Mac or Butch or something.
Two days ago, I caught her staring at my ass on the quad.
All that girl's after is a whole lot of bikini burger.
I feel you.
Hey, girl, can I just ask you, what's up with your outfit? My therapist says I had a traumatic experience that kept part of my psyche forever trapped in the '90s.
But I'm, like, uh, I'll take it.
And then there's those two.
God knows what they're talking about, basic bitches.
What fresh hell is this? Chanel, I'd like to introduce you to Jennifer.
I'm sorry, Kappa doesn't participate in the Make-a-Wish Foundation.
Oh, but you do now.
Jennifer here is a sophomore.
I found her sitting alone in the library without a friend in the world, which leads me to you, Chanel.
Jennifer here is your new pledge.
Jennifer, why don't you tell Chanel a little bit about your interests? I'm a candle vlogger.
What the hell is that? You guys, I love this one.
I got it at Bath&Body Works, half off.
I call it the Nancy Meyers experience, because when you burn it, it smells like creamy couches and menopause.
You know, like a Nancy Meyers movie.
Four stars.
Look, I don't know what to tell you, Chanel.
If Kappa's suddenly filled with weirdos and fatties, there is literally no way you can be popular.
And I need you to stay popular, 'cause if you want to stay at the top of the list of the pieces of ass I'm getting, there's criteria.
And the criteria is you got to be popular.
But, Chad Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there, because I'm getting really pissed off.
Chad is an amazing person.
Chad Radwell is the president of the Dickie Dollar Scholars, and he's super hot, and he doesn't have time for this.
Are-are you fake crying? Stop fake crying.
When you fake cry, you are so not hot.
I just think you are amazing, Chad.
Anyone you dated would be popular.
I mean, they would be popular because they're dating you.
Thank you.
Look, Chanel, I'm a psychology major, so I'm gonna break this down into terms that you'll understand.
My ego it's super strong.
Okay, but it's not strong enough that I can just go around dating garbage people.
Like, yes, I could find a random girl who wasn't popular, and, yes, if I started dating her, she would then become popular.
Dude, that is great idea for a movie.
Somebody should make that movie.
I would see that movie.
Me, too.
You know who should direct that movie? Michael Bay, the greatest director of all time.
But I can't go date a girl who was popular and then she just stopped being popular.
Because that would be crazy.
It's crazy, and nobody's gonna go see that movie.
Do you know why nobody's gonna go see that movie? I 'Cause it never got made.
But you said you loved me.
I do sort of love you.
I just I would love you a lot more if other people loved you, too.
Listen, I can't date a garbage person, Chanel.
I won't.
I'm not gonna do that to myself.
Uh, I need you to leave.
Okay, I need you to leave because you're bumming me out, and you're bumming Boone out.
And we're just trying to have a nice day hitting golf balls at hippies.
Cross swords, bro.
You guys, support human rights.
Amnesty International.
Oh, hi, Ms.
What are you doing? Oh.
You told me to scrub all the floors in the house with a Barbie toothbrush.
Bean, this sorority is for pretty girls only.
Pretty girls, like you and me.
Now, I have a plan to keep it that way, and you're a part of that plan.
If Dean Munsch gets her way, Kappa's gonna be filled with fatties and ethnics.
The fatties will bring their big old appetites, and you know what those ethnics will bring with them? Weird spices from their home countries.
That is a nuclear combination, Ms.
The weird ethnic spices will send the fatties racing to the bathroom to blow liquid fire out of their huge, swollen bowels.
Think of the splash back.
Think of the undersides of all of the toilets that you're gonna have to sanitize, Ms.
I don't want that.
I don't want that for you.
Here you go.
Uh, welcome to The Grind.
What can I get started for you? You don't want anything, do you? I'll have a Trenta, no-foam, five-shot half-caf, no foam, pumpkin spice latte with no foam at 210 degrees.
First of all, that's really hot.
That's two degrees below boiling.
I'm sorry, did I enter a wormhole to a universe where this coffeehouse does not possess the technology to heat my favorite autumnal tradition to 210 degrees? I like my pumpkin spice lattes extra hot, so please comply with my request.
But extra hot is 170 degrees.
I'm sorry, does your job description entail arguing with your customers, thereby delaying the moment at which they receive the irresistible, nutmeggy sweetness of the extra hot, no foam, pumpkin spice latte they've been thinking about all day? I mean, God! Ma'am, what would you like? She doesn't want anything! She wants you to start making my extra hot, no foam, pumpkin spice latte! So, anyway, since we can't turn the castoff pledges away, we're gonna have to scare them off.
That's why I'm gonna burn your face off.
What? Not for real, silly, it'll be pretend.
So here's the skinny.
We're gonna get in a fight, and I'm gonna dunk your head - in the deep fryer.
- What? No! The oil won't be hot.
We'll turn off the machine, idiot.
You'll just pretend and come up all screaming, and I guarantee all those newbies will run screaming into the night and go pledge some other sorority.
Sound like a plan? Right, one 210-degree, Trenta, five-shot, no foam, pumpkin spice, half-caf, no foam latte for Chanel.
Thank you, coffee donkey.
Ugh! You burned the milk! Learn to make a pumpkin spice latte, you psychopath.
Next time, I get you fired, or worse.
Other barista! Welcome to The Grind.
How may I help you? Pumpkin spice latte, please.
I want it freezing though.
Actually, I just want a regular coffee.
Those white girl pumpkin spice lattes annoy me.
I'm in love.
Name? Señorita Awesome.
You got it, Señorita Awesome.
Look, uh, sorry about that girl who went all latte-psycho on me.
Her name's Chanel; she's president of the Kappa House.
And she thinks that means her poop smells like ginger beer.
I know her.
I I mean, I just met her.
I'm pledging Kappa.
You don't seem the type.
Well, clearly, you haven't discovered the many layers of Señorita Awesome.
Señorita Awesome, wait up.
Oh, it's Grace, actually.
Grace, Pete.
Look, you can't join Kappa House.
I don't just work as a barista, I'm also the editor of the school paper, The Sentinel.
I like to think of myself, uh, as an investigative reporter.
Anyway, I think at their cores, all these sororities are evil, but that house is truly dangerous.
Excuse me, but I think you're getting a little too close to my new pledge, Mr.
Convicted Sex Offender.
Bean, go organize the trash.
I'm sorry, wh-what is she talking about? Gay Jimmy Olsen over here got a little obsessed with me last year.
I still have the 15,000 text messages he sent me.
I had to get a restraining order.
I was a freshman and I had a crush, okay? I tend to get a bit passionate about things.
Look, you intentionally led me on.
You kept acting like you liked me just so you could - humiliate me.
- What was I supposed to do? True Tori was over, I was bored.
Bean, let's hit it! Ms.
Bean, I said let's hit it! Grace, please don't do this.
I'll be fine.
It was nice to meet you, Pete.
Let's do this.
Enter, ye who dare.
We have some bad news.
We found something.
Number Two came up to ask Ms.
Bean if she had a bigger punch bowl, and she noticed her bedroom door was open.
I love a creepy collage.
Okay, so you all want to be Kappas, is that right? Well, you're about to learn what being a Kappa is all about.
It's about kicking the living crap out of someone when they disrespect you.
Follow me! Hey, White Mammy, you're about to get your ass handed to you.
I was just in your room, where I noticed you have a sizeable shrine with evil burning candles, photos of me with my face scratched out and pairs of my stolen panties.
Care to explain, chubby old Nazi? Chanel, I don't know what you're talking about.
Now I know why all your food tastes like it's got a little bit of pee in it.
You know, ladies, Ms.
Bean and I had arranged a little prank where I was gonna dip her fat face in some cold fry oil to scare all you bitches.
Well, I propose a change of plans.
What do you think, Ms.
Bean? How about I just drown you in it? Oh, my God, who turned the fryer on?! She's dead.
Well, of course she's dead! You just burned her face off! Shut up.
You don't die from getting your face burned off.
Yes, you do! She probably had a heart attack.
Oh, my God.
Where are you going? To get the campus police.
There's a dead woman in your kitchen.
Oh! Ms.
Bean was a servant; She knew the risks.
I'm going to the authorities.
Fine, go.
I'll be sure to tell the police all about how you shoved Ms.
Bean in that fryolator.
What? You did that.
That's not how I saw it.
And my witnesses agree.
Pledges, show of hands.
Who will back up my story if I promise that by the end of the year, I'll get you all boyfriends cool boyfriends? And I'll take you all on my dad's jet to Cancun for spring break.
All of y'all ratchet.
You're an awful person.
But I'm rich and I'm pretty, so it doesn't really matter.
Sisters and pledges of Kappa Kappa Tau, you now all share something so very precious to me.
A felony? A secret.
And secrets are the glue that binds sorority sisters together.
We will remember this night for the rest of our lives.
And until the day we die, we will know that we few are the only people who know what happened in that kitchen.
Because if any of you ever tell, I will make sure you end up laying right next to Ms.
Bean in this freezer.
Who wants cocktails? Yay! How did my life turn into this? I marched for the Equal Rights Amendment, I burned my bra in the middle of this campus, and then left school to intern for Gloria Steinem at Ms.
This generation it couldn't give a rat's ass about any of it.
Nothing's changed.
Have you seen the way girls dress on this campus? These sorority bitches strutting around in basically just their underwear, screaming bloody murder about being objectified, as if they haven't objectified themselves already.
And all that marching.
All the protests.
What did I get out of it? I'm sitting in the same office I used to throw bricks into.
I'm making less than the 26-year-old assistant football coach who bangs the same brand of perky 19-year-olds my husband left me for two years ago.
You're awful in bed.
Are you aware? I mean, just the worst.
What? What Did I not take you there? Look what I've stooped to.
Getting sex by blackmailing students on academic probation.
Look, I need to say something.
I'm in love with you.
Of course you are.
Because that's the only way this situation could get more depressing.
Please leave.
I will, but I'm gonna take a pair of your panties.
I'm gonna barf on your face unless you get out of here.
And-and go take a psychology course.
Try to figure out who gave you such disgusting mommy issues.
It was, you know, probably my mom.
Um, I'm gonna call you.
As I can't destroy every phone on Earth, that'll remain a possibility.
What? Done worse.
I have to tell you something.
You loaded a dead body into a freezer.
Based on the strain on your faces as you carried her out, - my money's on Ms.
- Um, wh-what? - You loaded a dead body - Shh! Um You-you were spying on us? I'm an investigative reporter.
And that house is the story of a lifetime.
I agree.
That's why I asked to meet you.
What are you proposing? I want to help you with your exposé, secretly feed you info.
You need eyes on the inside.
You do have really pretty eyes.
Focus on the case.
Look, I think Chanel accidentally killed her, but now I'm not so sure.
Wait, so when you thought she murdered her, - you helped her hide the body? - Look, it's more complicated than that.
I joined that sorority to feel close to my mom.
You know? I've heard the way my dad talks about her kind, a fighter, big heart.
No way she belonged to Kappa the way it is now.
Chanel and her type have destroyed it, mutated it into the monster it is today.
But it can be the way it was.
I can change it back, but I need to get Chanel and her minions out of there to do it.
I need to expose Chanel for who she really is.
And I want to use your story as my weapon of reputation destruction.
I just want to honor my mom.
One last thing.
What do we do now? Examine the body.
We hid her in there.
You shoved Ms.
Bean's face - in a vat of hot oil? - Yes.
The fryer wasn't supposed to be on.
I don't know what to do with the body.
Oh, Chanel.
That is so hot! What? Hold up.
Are you saying dead bodies don't turn you on? Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.
You are so lame, you know that? God, I love all that death stuff.
I got my first boner watching Faces of Death.
Show me the body.
- Seriously? - Why did you bring me here, Chanel? Show me the dead body.
What the hell? Is this some kind of joke? Oh, my God, she's alive.
Bean's alive.
Yeah, or somebody stole the body.
Now I'm cold, I got blue balls.
The worst date ever.
Kappa sisters, someone is screwing with us.
This blood oath will ensure solidarity among us.
We are all related now.
Let's all touch bloody fingers as I read this oath.
"Hail, Odin, wise warrior, one-eyed wanderer, tell the scenes your missing eyes see.
" Wait, Odin who? Where did you find that? I don't know, the Internet.
I just Googled "blood oath" and this is what came up.
"Norse father, you who chooses the slain on this winter solstice" What? "Solstice"? Is that Wiccan? What does this oath even mean? I don't know, Number Three.
I didn't spend a lot of time on the Internet looking through different blood oaths.
I just need you all to not say anything about what happened, and I figured a blood oath was cheaper than buying you all presents.
Look, we're all just freaking out, okay? Let's just rub our fingers together and promise to keep quiet.
Wait, what about STDs? What if one of us has, like, genital warts or chlamydia or something? Idiot, you don't get STDs from blood oaths.
You get STDs from dirty toilet seats and drinking the water in Mexico.
Um, "STD" stands for "sexually transmitted disease," which means that it's transmitted sexually.
Does it look like the four of us are about to have sex right now, Number Five, huh?! I have HPV.
What? Yeah.
I got it last summer.
It's not a big deal.
A lot of girls have it.
I just think I should sit out the whole blood oath thing.
How did you get HPV? When were you in Mexico? I can't do this.
Oh, God, fine.
You know what, forget the blood oath.
Every time I try to plan something, you dumb bitches ruin it.
I can't stay silent! Somebody murdered Ms.
Bean, and someone's gonna find out, and I want to be a network newscaster.
I'm calling my mom, and I'm going home.
Okay, okay, let's just all calm down.
Clearly Ms.
Bean did this.
That seems like an insane conclusion - to just jump to.
- She's back from the dead, and she's getting revenge by killing us one at a time.
Wait a minute.
This is great.
This is amazing.
How is this amazing? If Ms.
Bean is still alive, that proves I didn't kill her.
Now I won't be prosecuted for murder and I can stay popular and on my proper career track, and Chad Radwell won't break up with me.
Okay, well, then there's no reason we shouldn't call the police.
Are you kidding me, Number Three? What are we gonna tell them, that we burned Ms.
Bean's face off, thought she was dead, hid the body, then it came back to life and stabbed Chanel #2 while we were all in the house? They're never gonna believe that.
That's an insane story.
That is insane.
Until we can prove what happened, we need to keep the body here.
We can't just leave her here; she was our friend.
Ladies, that's the door.
Hell Week begins now.
Good evening, idiot hookers.
I'm very happy to welcome you to Hell Week here at Kappa House.
Could you speak up, please? I'm having trouble hearing you.
I said, "Welcome to Hell Week!" When you stupid dugongs first waltzed through that door, I could tell you thought you were gonna have it easy.
Well, let me relieve you of that misconception, because you're about to get hazed harder than a suburban banquet hall during bat mitzvah season.
I am not gonna let you haze any of these girls.
And I will litigate.
There's going to be a new Kappa House - on this campus, and it starts with us.
- Hmm.
It's going to be a sorority about empowerment, sisterhood and respect.
That sounds terrible.
Okay, Pissy Spacek, you and I have a few differences we need to iron out.
What do you say to a little coffee klatch? We can talk it over.
Number Five, you're in charge.
You got it, girl.
Thank you.
I got you a pumpkin spice latte.
They're so my jam, even though they make me obese.
We're not here to make nice.
You want to talk, let's talk.
I can't stand you.
But you also remind me of a young me.
So here's my compromise.
I want you to be one of my minions.
Grace, I want you to be Chanel #6.
Uh, quite an honor.
It is.
It's the gateway to the top of the heap.
Look at where being Kappa Queen has gotten you.
You put on a good front, but you're miserable.
Don't you think any of that has anything to do with the fact that you've created an atmosphere based solely on negativity and raw ambition? You say that like those are bad things.
Uh, wait.
Okay, you're the only person at this school who is almost as smart as me.
Can we talk for real for a second, please? I mean, you're so confident without being mean.
What antidepressants are you on? Chanel, why are you so awful to everyone? My boyfriend compulsively cheats on me.
All of my friends work for me.
My parents didn't even call me on my birthday because they were too busy hosting a fundraiser for Jeb Bush.
Don't you see that all that's happened isn't a crisis? It's an opportunity, for you and for Kappa to really change.
Think about how great it would be to have a real sisterhood, one that will always remember your birthday.
Yeah, no, I tried.
See, I really tried.
But all of this flowery, peace-on-Earth crap, it makes me want to puke.
You're pathetic.
Yeah, walk away now! You haven't even seen half of what I'm capable of! Once you're on my fatwa list, I show no mercy! Totally spit in your coffee, bitch.
The Sexy Gopher Whore Head Challenge is one of Kappa House's oldest hazing traditions.
You gals are gonna stay here overnight, getting to know each other and trying to keep the ants from crawling up your noses, while the Chanels and I go get banana daiquiris at the White Stallion.
Good night, ladies.
Guys, I can't move at all.
I think that's the point! I don't mean to be a contrarian, - but I'm enjoying this.
- You guys, what do you think Taylor Swift is doing right now? What time is it? It's got to be, like, 4:00 in the morning.
Did y'all hear that? Did y'all hear that?! What are you guys talking about? Is that killer noises or am I hallucinating? Chanel, is that you? I'm gonna ask one more time, will you speak up? Is that a lawnmower? What's happening?! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! - Are you screaming? - Help me! - Or are you singing? - Help me! Help! This a nice neighborhood! Are you singing Taylor Swift? Holy crap!