Scream Queens (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - Pumpkin Patch

Previously on Scream Queens Today is the day that I declare my intention to run for president of Kappa House.
All of your lives are in danger.
There are dead bodies.
Real-life dead bodies.
WESTON: Dean Munsch, you got to shut down this campus immediately.
GRACE: We have to file a missing persons report.
Someone's kidnapped Zayday.
Ladies, we have a pumpkin patch fund-raiser to attend to.
HESTER: I am so excited.
I cannot wait to meet Cliff Woo.
CHANEL #5: Who's Cliff Woo? CHANEL #3: He's a party planner.
He did Chanel's Sweet 16.
The theme was "Let Them Eat Cake," so my dad bought me this foreclosed McMansion down the street, and, like, 500 of my closest friends came dressed in 18th century attire, and, oh, the pool was filled with this, like, caviar slurry.
And then at midnight, we just burnt the house down.
When the firefighters came, they were actually strippers, and they put out the fire with champagne.
Chanels, this is Cliff Woo.
So walk me through this, honey.
Well, as you can see, every pumpkin in the patch is artisanal.
Ooh, good.
Love the warty white ones.
They look like Number Five when she runs out of concealer.
Then we move past the ice sculptures of demonic peeing cherubs-- and yes, they will all be peeing vodka and Red Bull.
Love! And that brings us right over here to the corn maze.
I'm sorry.
Corn maze? I know.
It's just that doing an exact replica maze from The Shining would have taken us way over budget on man power alone.
I told you money was no object.
I am gross rich, Cliff.
So get me, with great haste, my exact replica of the maze from The Shining with knee-deep snow drifts.
I'll see what I can do.
Okay, music.
Go.
I contacted Adam Levine and Maroon 5 is in.
Great.
Go.
Okay, well, the good news is, I talked to Fergie's agent, and she's in.
The bad news is-- and this is totally on me-- but I Googled "Fergie's agent" and ended up talking to this British guy before I realized his client was actually Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York.
So, my bad, both Fergies are coming.
So stupid.
But go.
Okay, so, um, I wasn't able to get Led Zeppelin.
- What?! - Well, apparently, one of them died or something.
Damn it, Number Five.
Do you have any idea what's at stake here? If this Black Hairy Tongue Pumpkin Patch Maze Concert isn't the biggest thing to ever happen to this campus, I will lose the Kappa House presidency and Chad Radwell will dump me.
Okay, well, it's not my fault that some guy died in the '70s.
Excuse me? Then whose fault is it, mine? I am tired of the excuses, Number Five.
I am tired of your sad-sack, I'm-a-total-downer-all-the-time schtick.
I ask you to reunite one legendary rock and roll outfit so that guys will show up to my patch, and you're all like, "Oh, some guy died.
" (stomps) I'm over it! We still have one more thing to do.
Oh, my God, why are you so depressed? My husband was shot in Dallas, idiot.
For this year's Halloween, the Chanels will be going as the wives of fallen presidents.
I am Jackie Kennedy.
Number Six, you will be going as the emotionally fragile Ida McKinley, whose husband was felled by an anarchist's bullet.
Number Three, you will be going as homely and religious Lucretia Garfield, the bereaved wife of President James Garfield.
Hold up.
No way.
Why do I have to be the homely one? There's only so many murdered presidents, Number Three.
What about Mary Todd Lincoln? Chanel #5 is Lady Lincoln, obvi.
Wait, what do you mean, obvi? Just a second, nutbag.
If you're gonna be a pain about it, I guess we could open it up to presidents who were almost assassinated, so you can either be Betty Ford-- which means you'll have to get wasted and stay wasted all night-- or you can be alleged Hollywood mattress Nancy Reagan.
Dibs.
I'm Nancy Reagan.
Wait, why am I Mary Todd Lincoln? God, do I have to spell it out for you? You're out of your frigging gourd, Number Five.
You're a weird, psycho lunatic who's gonna end up in an asylum somewhere, staring at a wall, trying to nurse a watering can.
You're a Mary Todd Lincoln if ever there was one.
That's it! I can't take this anymore! That is such a Mary Todd Lincoln thing to say.
No! I am done with you, Chanel, and I mean it.
Do you mean it, Number Five? Because you scream "I'm done with you" kind of a lot, and yet you're still standing here.
Do you know what I think? I think you know you have a good thing going.
You get to bask in my starlight as I do all the work and you get to grumble behind my back about how disrespected you are.
Well, you know what you can do? You can either dress up as Mary Todd Lincoln and help me win this presidency, or you can pack your things and leave.
There's the door.
There's the door, bitch! I am so sorry, Chanel.
You did not deserve to be spoken to like that.
Ever.
Don't close your eyes (screaming) Don't fall asleep (screaming continues) Don't turn around I'll bury you deep Whispers turn to screams You belong to me You belong to me To me.
All right.
I've gathered your two houses here because it seems like you are the students most likely to be killed by the alleged psychopath.
WESTON: And we got to make a real plan to keep you guys safe going forward.
Wait, wait, hold on.
We can't move forward because we are not all here.
Why isn't anyone doing anything about Zayday's abduction? Because clearly this fake kidnapping is a play to get the sympathy vote.
So Gone Girl.
That is bollocks! No, you're thinking of Gravity.
Everybody stop! Now, Dean Munsch, are you or are you not closing down the campus? Yes.
No! No! No! Why? It's Halloween! This is the biggest candle night of the year! I hate you right now! (indistinct shouting) Order in the court! I took a class last semester called "American Presidents" or something like that.
And they taught us about a man named John Fitzpatrick Kennedy, Jr.
And that dude wrote a book about the time he served in Vietnam called Profiles in Courage.
Is that not what we are talking about right now? Courage? Halloween is the greatest night of the year.
Greatest night.
Because on this night, even kind of shy, kind of homely girls dress up like total sluts.
I mean, every costume is just a slutty version of something.
Slutty teacher, slutty nurse, slutty nun.
I saw a girl last year dressed as slutty al-Qaeda.
Are we gonna deny ourselves the sluttiest night of the whole year out of fear? Will you look at Caulfield? This dude got his arms sawed off; he's not hiding out.
He is down to rage! Hell, yeah, I am.
See, Halloween it's a night for dudes with killer bods to walk around with our shirts off.
And it's totally appropriate, as long as we call ourselves gladiators, Chippendales.
As our great 60th president John Kennedy Jr.
said "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
" Well, in this case, serial murderers, too.
But we are not afraid of either of those things, uh-uh.
So canceling Halloween sucks.
Thank you.
I have no idea how you got into this college.
And, sorry, curfew is on.
Halloween, canceled.
(indistinct shouting) Girls, it's okay! Look, we'll just hang out and play charades! No! No! We won't! This cannot be happening! Hey, what about Black Hairy Tongue Disease? I mean, does nobody here care about Black Hairy Tongue? What about my pumpkin patch? Sorry.
Not sorry.
Chanel.
I blame you for this.
Hester, nice boobs.
CHANEL: Dear Student Body, As you all know by now, Dean Munsch has decided to cancel Halloween.
My daddy's lawyers said there wasn't enough time to file an injunction and that I clearly don't understand what an injunction is if I asked them to file one in this situation.
That said, I refuse to allow Dean Munsch to keep us from stopping the scourge that is Black Hairy Tongue Disease in its black hairy tracks.
So, while I will honor the Halloween curfew, I will not let anyone miss out on coming out in costume to support a great cause and to make me look really good.
That is why I am opening my charity pumpkin patch at 12:01 a.
m.
on November 1.
It will be on the corner of Awesome Street and Totally Bitchin' Avenue.
Join me in saying you are not afraid! And remember Chanel Oberlin is above the law.
(computer beeps) Hey, Chanel #5.
What are you doing? Just baking some cookies for the neighborhood trick-or-treaters.
Mmm, what kind? Uh, they're toenail cookies.
What?! I noticed last year that a lot of neighborhood children have been dressing up for Halloween as Chanel.
Wearing classic Chanel looks that I helped come up with.
Pink fur coats worn in all weather-- my idea.
Flapper dresses made out of feathers-- also my idea.
Oversized sunglasses worn everywhere-- my idea, my idea, my idea! So why are you baking toenail cookies and giving them to children? Why are you hurting them, instead of hurting Chanel? Okay, whose side are you on? Because very recently, you called me a bitch and then showed me where the door was.
I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
I'm what you call a "switch-hitter.
" Wait, are you bisexual? Because that's what "switch-hitter" means.
Do you mean "double agent"? Okay, what, yeah.
A double agent.
See, I have an idea.
Jennifer, can we talk to you for a second? What are you writing? A tart missive to Dean Munsch for canceling Halloween.
Do you know how big Halloween is in the candle community? (gasps) Is this an ant farm? Actually, it's an ant family, This is the Sandberg family.
There's about a million of them.
There's a mom ant, Deborah, who mostly just lies around and she has about 100 husband ants, who come around and give it to her good, which she really enjoys.
And then there's about a million sterile daughter ants who feed her and are her slaves.
So, an ideal family.
So Zayday is running for president.
And she's going to lose.
There are only eight girls in this house.
You guys, Chanel and Chanel #3 will all vote for Chanel, which means Zayday would need Sam and me and Grace to all vote for her, and then it'd be a tie and Chanel remains president.
But if Chanel #5 and you and I throw the votes to Zayday She'd win.
And then I'd beg to be her second-in-command, while quietly pull the strings behind the scenes like Dick Cheney.
Chanel #5 will be rewarded by getting to run the Pumpkin-Patch-Shining- Fergie-and-Fergie-Concert.
I don't really want that.
And maybe you will get a really exciting job like treasurer.
(slow gasp) This plan involves a lot of circuitous logic.
Like, why would Zayday just make you vice president? Wouldn't she ask Grace? I mean, they're, like, best friends.
Chanel has a closet full of Diptyque candles that she lights once and then throws away because they're used.
What?! Show me.
(screaming) Oh, my God! Those are, like, $100 each! They're the highest quality candles that can be purchased retail.
I could melt them down into one large candle! What a brilliant and revolutionary idea.
So what do you say? (indistinct whispering) Excuse me, Ms.
Oberlin? Are you cheating? God, no.
Kai Zi is my Asian.
Excuse me? He's not in this class.
He's not even enrolled in this school.
I keep him on retainer to come take tests with me.
Anything math or science Hand in your test.
I'm reporting you to Dean Munsch.
This is a clear violation of the honor code.
You must be new here.
Who are you calling? My daddy.
I'm gonna get you fired.
(knocking) MAN: Excuse me, Professor? Hi, it's Chanel.
Yes, thank you so much.
Chanel Oberlin.
Chanel Oberlin? You are under arrest for the murder of Ms.
Agatha Bean.
(crowd clamoring) CHANEL: Chin up, Chanel.
At least you wore something nice today.
Remember to smile for your mug shot.
It'll be on Gawker by sundown.
CHANEL: Oh, my God! I'm burping uncontrollably like Robert Durst.
They'll know I'm guilty! (siren wailing) (faint music playing) Hello? Hello?! Somebody help me! (music gets louder) Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry? Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry? Do you really want to hurt me? (screaming) Do you really want to make me cry? Ah, I'm glad you're all here.
It's lunchtime.
Where else would we fake eat? Now that Chanel is finally under arrest, we can start doing things the way we want around here.
And the first matter of business should be to find our kidnapped sister Zayday.
Actually, as Number Three, I'm next in line and in charge here.
And you can sum up my viewpoint on this with one word-- indifference.
Guys, Zayday is out there.
Probably getting tortured right now.
We are her only hope.
Look, I'm all for Zayday not being tortured or killed or whatever, but don't you think a girl who wants to be president of this house should be able to prove her abilities by escaping from the lair of a psychopath? That has nothing to do with being sorority president.
Actually, in this sorority, it would be a pretty powerful campaign platform.
Sometimes, in order for a person to achieve their full potential, they have to do things on their own.
Are you guys seriously going to desert our friend like this? I am in charge here! Need I remind you that there is a curfew on this campus and this house is already on Dean Munsch's poop list? What do you think is going to happen if she catches us all out checking every closet and killer's lair to find Zayday? She'll finally have grounds to kick us all off campus.
How do you think making all of us get expelled is protecting us? Now, please leave.
It's time for the entrée.
Come on, let's go ask my dad for help.
I thought you two were fighting.
He's my best friend.
He's the one person my whole life who's never let me down.
(moaning) It's it's hard because I'm a man, you know? I love that you're a man.
But it's just ever since Grace's mom died, I just haven't found I haven't found the one.
Yeah, Grace's mom, yeah.
I know what you mean.
The way he moved, it was a sin So sweet and true Oh, my God, is this "Black Velvet"? Oh, you know it.
This is the most sensual song ever written.
We need to do this right now! Oh, okay Black velvet It's just so unlike her.
If you call Zayday, she's gonna call you back while you're leaving a message.
Hey, Dad? I think he's home.
I hear his '90s music playing.
Oh, my God! (excited clamoring) Black Velvet Go in another room.
Dad? High, we were h-high-fiving.
What are you doing? I just saw her boobs.
Hang on, I can explain.
Your father and I were on a salad date, and we just started talking A "salad date"-- what is that? Is that, like, a thing? Oh, a salad date is, it's like, it's more casual than dinner, but more formal than coffee.
Sure.
Um I just wanted to come by and let you know that Zayday is still missing.
Oh, no oh, no.
Grace, that's terrible.
We got to find her.
I'll help.
So will Gigi.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, yep.
As soon as I find my Cavaricci's.
Whose pants are these? That's weird.
They're in the kitchen.
I don't know why.
Look, hey.
I'm really I'm really sorry, honey.
We should talk about this.
Hey, Dad, I'm cool, I promise.
You know, you're a human being with feelings and needs, right? I get it.
You know, and I'm totally fine that you've moved on from Mom really.
Um, but enough about me and my confusion and sad dead feeling inside.
We need to find Zayday.
Right, we should talk to Dean Munsch about this.
Yeah.
And then I asked my dad to bail me out and he's all like, "We have a big stockholders meeting "coming up in a couple of weeks "and I'm about to endorse Ted Cruz, so I'd rather not "do anything that could get me bad press right now, like being the father of a murderer and stuff.
" And so he needs to pretend that I don't existagain.
It just really hurt my feelings.
Anyway, I'm pretty sure my so-called friends are the ones that turned me in so I'm just feeling, like, super alone right now.
Don't worry, Chanel.
We got your back.
Thank you, Millie.
Look, I don't know if you remember this, but, uh, you sent me the most amazing fake severed foot filled with jelly beans for Chanel-o-ween last year right before I killed that gas station attendant.
Man, I am your biggest Instagram fan! I-I just think you are a style genius.
Stop! And I'm here to tell you, any friendships you make on the inside is the real kind.
Thank you, guys.
I will never be able to repay you for the kindness you've shown me in here.
Besties for life, I say.
MAN: Oberlin.
Your bail's been posted.
Later, losers.
Uh, wha? Set me free, why don't you, babe? Get out of my life, why don't you, babe? But you keep me hanging on I knew you'd bail me out.
Well, technically, my dad did.
I told him college textbooks are getting crazy expensive, so he wired me $300,000 no questions asked.
Chanel #3, Predatory Lez, you are true friends.
I'm famished.
I wouldn't mind stopping at Wendy's for some barbecue sauce to dip our cotton balls in and then finding Chanel #5.
It's high time for a little GD payback.
Can I just say what a relief it is to be able to share it with somebody and not feel judged? You know, I mean, all my girlfriends are like, "That's immoral.
" "You should be ashamed of yourself!" Ashamed? What the hell you got to be ashamed for? You should be proud.
A foxy lady your age getting some sweet coed tail.
I could've lost my job.
And it wasn't even good, you know? I mean, it lasted, like, it just felt like I was getting stabbed in the abdomen.
Wait, hold on-- are we talking about Chad Radwell here? Yeah.
Chad Radwell? What you talking about? I slept with Chad, too, and it was amazing! I tied him up and I kept my uniform on and proceeded to read him his rights.
My favorite being: "You got the right to remain sexy.
" (laughs) Give me some! You know he's sexy! (laughing) That was one of the best nights of my life.
Granted, when Chad and I get together, it's mostly about the role-play.
I mean, we go on for a while.
But that's because we both do extensive character research.
So there's a surprising amount of dialogue.
Dean Munsch? We need your help with Zayday.
We don't know who else to turn to.
Well, I've already contacted the police department, despite the fact that a person can't be considered "missing" until at least She could be dead by then.
She could be dead now! I'm sorry.
That's morbid.
But she could be.
She probably is.
Zayday Williams ain't dead.
I keep tellin' y'all-- Zayday is the killer! No, that's insane.
There is no way she's the killer.
Bitch had a chain saw in her room.
Yeah, well, if the police can't help us, we gotta figure something else out.
I don't know, the FBI.
A private investigator I've already hired an investigator.
I placed a call to a company I trust, Secure Enforcement Solutions.
Oh, good Lord.
Yes.
(chuckles) Denise Hemphill is gonna find Zayday Williams.
And then I'm gonna throw her in the slammer for murder in the first.
Hold on.
If she thinks Zayday's the killer, which is absolutely insane Chain saw under the bed.
then she shouldn't be leading the manhunt to find her! I would think that that would make her extra motivated to find her.
Thank you.
WES: Well I'll tell you this much: Gigi and I are going to do everything we can to find her.
Right, honey? Right.
What, are you two a couple now? Mm-hmm.
Oh! (huffs) Come on.
We need to go find her.
The sun sets in an hour.
DENISE: That's right.
Halloween is upon us.
And the Devil is gonna come a-runnin'.
What the hell are you doing? Where's your Mary Todd Lincoln outfit, Number Five? There can't be two Jackie Kennedys.
You sold me down the river, bitch.
You lied and told Munsch that I killed Ms.
Bean.
Well, you did kill Ms.
Bean, but I wouldn't rat you out to anyone! Liar! (gasps) Hester told me everything.
And then Number Five said she was gonna turn you in, she just didn't know who to tell first, Dean Munsch or the cops.
Isn't that right, Jennifer? And then she said once you were behind bars, she was going to spread a rumor that the only reason you're skinny is because your parents stole your kidneys just like Gary Coleman's did.
Wait, Gary Coleman's parents stole his kidneys? I would never say that, because I'm pretty sure that never even happened.
Well, why does it feel so true? And why does ratting me out sound like exactly something you would do? Because Hester's trying to frame me, obviously! Her name is Chanel #6, Chanel #5.
You know, I've never thought of myself as a killer, but I am seriously considering ramming this pick into the back of your eye socket.
Or, you can elect a different punishment.
Go get that pumpkin patch ready.
But there's a curfew tonight, okay? The killer is obviously going to be out.
Maybe you'll get your head sawed off.
I can't think of a better Chanel-o-ween treat than that.
You're a psychopath, Chanel.
I'm not doing it.
Interesting.
Well, fine, then.
I guess I'll just have to resort to plan "B.
" I'll show Roger and Dodger video proof that their hot new girlfriend regularly rubs it out in her room while watching Dora the Explorer.
You have cameras in my room? I have eyes everywhere, bitch.
(pick clatters to floor) The name of my future perfume is Revenge.
Remember I want candles in every jack-o'-lantern! Okay.
This is a map of town.
This is where Zayday was last seen.
I say we fan out in a radius around this point and go door to door, asking if anyone's seen her.
GIGI: Well, buckle up, 'cause I've got one.
Yeah.
You ever heard of glaciers? When the glaciers melted in the last ice age, they left several different soil types scattered about the region.
Now, I happen to know that the house on Shady Lane, where Zayday was last seen, had a red clay substrate in both the front and back yard and poor drainage.
How is that something you just happen to know? Look, if Zayday was kidnapped outside the house and put up any kind of struggle, there would be wet clay all over the getaway car.
Okay? And the kidnapper would probably want to get rid of that, so I'm thinking we should go to every local car wash and ask them if they've had any customers with weird red stains in their trunk.
That is stupidest thing I've ever heard.
PETE: Wait, wait.
Zayday's grandmother.
Have you have you tried calling her? No, but maybe she knows something.
Last week Zayday called her from my phone because her phone died.
(gasps) Hold on! That's it! "Find My Device.
" It's an app.
Every smartphone has a GPS in it.
Even if it's dead, it can still tell us where it is.
We just have to log into her account.
PETE: Got it.
What's the password? GRACE: Ah, crap! Uh God, I feel like I should know this.
Uh, Zee, I can't I just can't eat any more of these.
You don't love Oakland Nachos? They're amazing! I mean, I love 'em so much, they're my password to everything.
Oakland Nachos! Her password is "Oakland Nachos.
" Okay, it's searching.
There it is.
We've got an address! All right, boom.
Y'all come and help me load up the car.
I got all manner of spy gear needed to catch that murdering Zayday Williams.
Come on! Hey, Grace? Can-can we talk for two seconds? Look, I-I'm sorry that you're upset and you saw I'm fine, Dad, I just think it's weird.
You know? We tell each other everything, and you couldn't give me a heads-up that the first person you choose to date is A) somebody I know and B) (whispering): obviously mentally disturbed.
Probably Shoot, guys, I can hear you.
Oh, my God, what is going on? Why are y'all still in here? This ain't The Marriage Ref! This ain't Judge Joe Brown.
We ain't on the Maury Show! We ain't standin' in line trying to get tickets to Dr.
Phil! I am not Steve Harvey, people, and this ain't the Family Feud! I'm tryin' to catch a killer.
Now, come on! Help me get the spy gear in the car! Damn! Honestly, Chanel #5, you have nothing to be afraid of.
Seriously.
We fought the Red Devil before.
And only one of us got his arms sawed off, so, I mean Thanks, guys.
Look, let's just light all these jack-o'-lanterns and then get the hell out of here.
All right.
(whispering): Dodger let's go in there.
(screams) (screams) Please help me! Chanel #5, are you okay? It's the Red Devil! Let's bash his car! No! First, let's protect Chanel #5! (panting) (Chanel #5 panting) Which way? This way.
No, it's this way.
I promise.
How can you promise? We're in a maze, you don't know where you're going! Ah! ROGER: Brother against brother.
I always knew it would come to this.
What are you doing? The killer is right behind us.
We have to go! No, Chanel #5.
You need to pick one of us.
Forever.
Right now.
What? Why? And why are we doing this right now? ROGER: He's right, Chanel #5.
Spit-roasting you caused my brother and I to fall in love with you.
Neither of us are content with sharing you anymore.
That's right, Chanel #5.
You need to choose one of us.
And if you choose my brother, you're choosing his side of the Eiffel Tower forevermore.
Why are we doing this right now? Choose, Number Five.
Pick a side of the Eiffel Tower.
Fine, Roger! You.
I'm coming with you.
So be it.
Our footprints.
In the snow! We're leaving footprints in the snow.
The Red Devil's just going to follow the trail.
Just walk backwards in our footsteps and we'll throw him off.
In your own footsteps.
Okay.
I've got to warn Dodger, though.
Shh! ROGER: Dodger! Watch out for your footprints! Watch out for them how? ROGER: Be sure to walk backwards so the Devil won't find you! Oh, I get it.
Thanks, Roger! (Dodger screaming) DODGER: Oh, God! Help me! Oh, God, help! This way.
Dodger! No, come on! We have to go! (Dodger continues screaming) I rented my cellar to a dream tenant.
I rarely see him.
They pay the rent on time, in cash, every month.
Okay, everybody take a Taser.
Yeah.
Also got some compasses and some decoder rings.
What about flashlights? Aw, crap! I forgot the flashlights! Grace, when we get down there, you stay close to me, all right? What am I supposed to do with this? Not a damn thing, darling little old lady.
What's wrong with you? I think we need to split up into teams.
Okay, I'll go with Denise.
You guys go right and we'll keep to the left.
If anybody gets scurred, scream real loud, and I will come a-runnin'.
(Pete and Wes shout) This is so creepy.
Not as creepy as that.
WES: What the hell is this place? (metal clangs) (gasps) Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, Zayday! Zayday! DENISE: Uh-uh.
It smell like booty in here.
Yeah.
I'm getting a nervous feeling in my stomach.
I might start farting.
If I cut some, you promise not to tell anyone? I No, I won't tell anyone.
Geez.
GRACE: Zayday! It's empty.
Zayday isn't down there.
(they shout) DENISE: (shouts) The lights went out.
(gasps) (saw buzzes) (screams) - Oh, my boob! What is wrong with you? - Sorry! You tased the Red Devil.
GRACE: Denise! Denise, where are you? Stay where you are! I'll come and get you! I'll be right back.
Don't don't go nowhere.
ALL: Over here! Ooh, I got to catch my breath.
What's happened? What's going on? Hold on.
Ooh, this is nice.
Um Gigi tased the Red Devil.
Well, first I accidentally tased Gigi right in the boobs.
That had to hurt.
But she didn't let that stop her, uh-uh.
She got that Taser and bop! She hit the Red Devil right in the throat.
Why are we still standing here? Come on! Let's go.
This way! What happened? Where'd the Red Devil go? He got away.
WES: Are you okay? Yeah, he just jumped up and hit me across the head with a bat and then ran up the chute.
Crap! I'm-a get that murdering bitch.
No, call the police.
Tell them we found the Red Devil's lair.
WES: Hey, Gracie, look, I got it.
GRACE: Gigi, I-I can't believe you did that.
You risked your life for us.
Oh, no, I didn't.
I mean, I did, and it hurt a lot.
But, you know, I care about you girls.
No, no, no-no, it's North.
Yes, I actually do have the coordinates.
I guess I knew the day was always gonna come when my dad met somebody, and now I'm actually glad that that somebody is you.
Aw, that's so sweet.
Guys, she's saying Really sweet stepdaughter- stepmother moment.
It's really beautiful.
I ran all around this house real fast.
And the Red Devil is nowhere to be found.
Uh, uh, wait a minute.
Neither is Zayday Williams.
Coincidence? I think not.
CHANEL: Okay, ho-bags, tonight we cast our votes for the next president of Kappa House.
Don't Grace and Zayday need to be here for us to vote? According to the Kappa Kappa bylaws written over 175 years ago just before the War of Northern Aggression, the president can call for an election at any time and for any reason.
It looks like you just crossed some stuff out and wrote that in in marker.
This has been the worst night of my life.
My pumpkin patch was canceled because one of those idiot twins decided he'd rather get killed than keep boning Number Five Okay, can we talk about that for a second? Because it just happened a few hours ago, and I'm still really traumatized.
What about me? I have to live with the fact that no one got to see how awesome my maze was and that I've done nothing to stop the spread of Black Hairy Tongue Disease.
I need some cheering up right now.
And if that means rigging an election so that I can be president again, I expect you all to be my friends and accept that.
Everybody, grab two marbles.
You drop a white marble in the box for me and a black one for Zayday.
Let the voting begin.
Not so fast.
You're alive.
Damn straight, I'm alive.
Can't be the next president of this joint if I'm dead.
Excuse me, darling, I'm exhausted.
Thank you.
May I have a Diet Coke, please? On the rocks.
Actually, make it regular-- I've been through a lot.
Is Grace with you? No.
Good, then we can still vote.
Wait, we need to hear what happened to you.
The Red Devil kidnapped me and took me to his evil lair.
He kept me in a pit.
Did he dig the pit himself? How should I know? Just wondering where you find a house with a pit.
The market for them would be pretty limited.
HESTER: Did you escape, or did you kill him? Because if you did, you need to tell us all of the details, including what his eyes looked like when he took his last breath.
They say in that moment, the soul tells all of its secrets.
No, they don't-- no one says that.
Yeah, they do.
This story is boring unless it involves him torturing you.
He didn't do anything to me at all.
Except send me down little treats in a basket.
Uh, a Nintendo game, Kiehl's products.
It was actually quite lovely.
Then, suddenly, a ladder came down.
I climbed up, and what I saw made my blood run cold.
Oakland Nachos? Huh.
I get it.
You like the chocolate swirl, don't you? I've always had a thing for bad boys.
(chuckles) But I hate little bitches that kill my friends! Wait a second, the Red Devil is in love with you? Okay, that is so unfair, because it literally took me, like, three years here for a guy to even look at me.
Wait, if he ran here from there, then you know where he lives.
We need to call the police.
No, kitty puncher, that can wait.
We need to vote now before Grace shows up and makes it harder for me to win.
We are all very impressed by your alleged escape from the Red Devil.
I, for one, think we should take this tall tale into account when we vote.
I don't believe a word of it, and I would have a really hard time casting my vote for a liar.
(door closes) She's telling the truth.
I was there.
I saw the pit and everything.
My God, Zayday, I am so glad you're okay.
We went to go rescue you, but you'd already escaped.
Aw, thanks for trying, but you know you shouldn't worry about me.
I'm like black Die Hard.
Ugh, fine, you didn't lie-- or you're both lying-- I don't care.
I can't believe Deaf Taylor Swift and Number Two are dead and you two are still alive.
Now, if you're done, grab some marbles.
It's time to vote.
GIGI: You're late.
That got way out of hand.
He's got to go.
Do you understand me? Good, take care of it.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a salad date with a very special someone.