Scream Queens (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - Scream Again

1 (button buzzing) One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble I have been buzzing you with the call button for half an hour! Something's wrong with my husband.
Um, I'm sorry, but it's Halloween.
We all kind of like letting loose on Halloween.
I think he's dying! (music playing in distance) (woman laughing) Have you seen Dr.
Mike? Someone is having an emergency that just can't wait till the party is over.
My husband has C.
O.
P.
D.
He can't breathe.
Are you sure he's not just dressed up - as a dude with C.
O.
P.
D.
? - Uh, pretty sure Dr.
Mike is in the back rack looking for quaaludes.
(chuckles) NURSE: Dr.
Mike? Hello, ladies.
My husband needs a doctor! (chuckles): But it's Halloween.
- That's what I told her.
- Please, I'm begging you.
All right.
If I have to save a life tonight, so be it.
It is what I do.
DR.
MIKE: Deep breath.
Yeah, again.
(crunching) - Uh-huh.
Again.
Okay.
(clears throat) His lungs need to be drained.
I say we wait until morning.
Give him the procedure now! Or I swear, I'll make sure all of you lose your medical licenses.
I will shut this hospital down.
Okay, you know what? Um you're absolutely right.
It's like we forgot our Hippocratic oath.
Okay.
Bill, uh, I am going to give you a sedative, and then I am personally going to take you to the O.
R.
Okay? Where I will be performing your procedure, okay? Everything will be fine.
Baby, I love you so much.
You're my life, you're my everything.
How's our son doing? Good.
Good.
(sniffles) Excited for you to come home.
WOMAN (over intercom): Nurse Lancer, please bring Hawaiian Punch to the Halloween party.
DR.
MIKE: Okay.
Ma'am, gonna have to ask you to go wait in the waiting room.
Okay.
Thank you so much, Doctor.
Okay, Bill.
Sleepy time.
I owe you.
It's what I do.
(sighs) I cannot believe we're missing the party for this.
Screw that.
This hospital was originally built as a tuberculosis clinic, but the patients who were checking in just kept getting sicker and sicker until they realized it was because they built it up against this rancid swamp.
So they closed it down for a decade until they reopened it, and now we are the fourth best performing hospital out of four in the area, which is great for us because it keeps expectations super low.
I never liked this swamp.
I grew up around here and (pants) the kids used to always talk about a a monster that lived back here.
The Green Meanie.
Swamp itself is the monster.
You know if you leave a body out here, between the bugs and the bacteria, it will disappear in a matter of days? We're just gonna leave him here? I made up all that crap about doing the procedure.
He'll be dead within the hour, and then we'll get the blame.
So we will dump his body out here, fake the paperwork, say we did the procedure, that he checked himself out, and then rock out to Sheena Easton (grunts) all night long.
(chuckles) What about his wife? It's her word against ours.
(grunts) NURSE: Now, wait.
What if someone saw us? Your costume is pretty specific.
Shall we? Mm.
(laughs) Whoo! Oh, yeah! (music, excited chatter in distance) (elevator bell dings) Young guns, having some fun Crazy ladies keep them on the run Wise guys realize There's danger in emotional ties See me Single and free, no fears No tears, what I want to be One, two Take a look at you Death by matrimony.
Catherine Hobart? Hi.
I'm Dr.
Brock Holt.
I went to Harvard.
And I'm Dr.
Cassidy Cascade.
Nice to meet you.
Right this way.
Right this way.
I say "Right this way.
" Okay.
Okay, Catherine Hobart of Laconia, New Hampshire.
You've been diagnosed previously with a severe case of hypertrichosis, aka Werewolf Syndrome.
I was once arrested by a dogcatcher.
Hey.
Here's one thing that is contraindicated to any treatment we prescribe: self-pity.
Your hair is so soft.
What conditioner do you use? It's Kiehl's.
I know it's expensive, but so worth it.
So worth it.
You and I are gonna get along just fine.
CASSIDY: Your condition is being caused by an inverse mutation on chromosome 17.
I know.
I've seen hundreds of doctors.
And I'd almost given up hope, before Dr.
Munsch found me in that creepy disease chat room and told me if I came here, she could cure me.
Do I keep my word? Hi.
I'm Dr.
Cathy Munsch.
And welcome to my hospital.
You know you're not really a doctor.
(chuckles) Well, I'm sorry.
But when I gave the commencement address at the University of Pittsburgh last year, they gave me the actual honorary doctorate they stripped from Bill Cosby.
Anyway, Ms.
Hobart, you have the great honor of being our first patient here at the C.
U.
R.
E.
Institute.
Our motto is: "Where the incurable are cured.
" I wouldn't get her hopes up.
(whispers): She's incurable.
MUNSCH: (scoffs) You want to talk about impossible? You want to talk about the world saying no, and you beating it like a dog until you make it sit, stay and beg to say yes? Well, then you have to be talking about one Dr.
Dean Cathy Munsch and her journey to opening this palace of healing.
MUNSCH: By now, you're probably asking yourself, "Wait a second, isn't this the Cathy Munsch, "the iconoclastic bestselling author "whose very name has become synonymous with "New New Feminism? How did she get here?" Well, I'll tell you.
When Pope Francis asked me, "Cathy, what's next?" honestly, I found myself at a loss for words.
Why? Because I'd done it all.
And I knew in that instant that I needed a new cause: reforming America's health care system.
Ask medical student what do they want to become.
They'll say plastic surgeons, dermatologists.
They want to perform Lasik.
They want to make money.
And that requires repeat customers.
The perverse incentives baked into our health care system keep people sick.
Let me introduce you to the C.
U.
R.
E.
Caregivers United in Restorative Ideology.
It is entirely funded by my own personal publishing fortune.
And I am hiring only the best doctors, who are going to find cures for diseases 21st century medicine has deemed incurable.
I'd love to answer any questions you might have.
We have a few minutes.
WOMAN: Dr.
Munsch.
What about the Chanels? Do you have any comment on what became of them? MUNSCH: The Chanels.
For two whole years, I barely thought of them.
But then a Netflix documentary series turned them into a national obsession.
(gavel bangs) Please state your name for the record.
I am Special Agent Denise Hemphill.
And I take it you're currently an agent with the FBI.
Correction.
Special agent.
Huh? (chuckles) At the time of the Wallace murders, I was an employee of the security firm Secure Enforcement Solutions, along with my dear friend Shondell, who was later stabbed in the face and pushed out a car.
Can I ask what you have to contribute to my clients' appeal? The killer confessed.
And I got it right here! On videotape.
(gallery murmurs) Yes.
I orchestrated the whole thing.
But you can't lay a hand on me.
It's called double jeopardy.
You can't be tried for the same crime twice.
But you haven't been tried twice.
The Chanels were tried the first time.
But someone was convicted, so it's double jeopardy.
Uh, no.
Again, you haven't been tried yet at all.
It's double jeopardy! It's single jeopardy! (banging on door, gasps) MUNSCH: The Chanels haven't been seen since.
Those Kappa sisters were nothing but a distant memory.
Except for one.
One that I felt deserved an opportunity to make something of her life.
(Zayday sighs) (sirens wailing in distance, dog barking) Oh, no.
I've got nothing to say to you.
Are you smoking a joint? No.
Yes.
Can I buy you a drink? (sighs) ZAYDAY: I just want to distance myself from everything that happened.
I hunkered down and powered through undergrad in just a year and a half.
After seeing all that death, I felt the need to do something to prevent other people from dying.
Mm.
So now I'm in my first year of med school.
Working three jobs to pay for it.
I want to pay for it.
Excuse me? You heard me.
Look, I like you, Zayday.
I think you have tremendous potential.
Now, I don't know if you're aware, but I've opened a teaching hospital.
And I would like you to come work for me.
It will count toward your residency, of course.
Why would you want to go through all this trouble to help me? I don't get it.
Let's just say that I have a very personal, deep-seated reason for wanting to see this hospital succeed.
And whether or not you choose to believe it, I see you as being an integral part of its success.
What do you say? (sighs) I mean (chuckles): yes! Yes, I'm in.
Yes, you are.
Congratulations.
Cheers.
Welcome to King Brock's kingdom, where King Brock is king.
Sometimes I like to wheel in rando patients, not knowing their medical condition and just start cutting.
Discovering as I go.
Sometimes, I just stare at my hands and cry.
Hmm.
Hi.
You must be Dr.
Cascade.
I'm Zayday Williams.
I just want to let you know straight out, I'm not interested in having a girlfriend.
And I know that's tough to hear.
I'm basically female Viagra.
I'm here for my MD, not my MRS.
So, Dr.
Holt, since you're such a brilliant surgeon, tell me what you're doing here.
I was up at the Mayo Clinic when I got poached.
Dean Munsch saw my layout in Playgirl "Ten Hottest Doctors," and she offered me a gigantic signing bonus.
I became a doctor after seeing the terrible medical care some of my family has gotten over the years.
So, after I saw her TED talk online, I sought her out.
I liked her philosophy and realized that's the kind of medicine I wanted to study, too.
Hmm.
What happened to your wrist? Suicide attempt? (chuckling): No.
I'm the recipient of the world's first complete hand transplant.
Are you serious? That's not your real hand? (loud bang) Of course it's my real hand.
You buy a used car, is it yours or the guy who used to own it? I'm the genius, not the hand.
How'd you lose it? Super Bowl accident.
You played in the Super Bowl? Sorry.
Super Bowl party accident.
MEN (chanting): Beast mode, beast mode, beast mode! (whistle blows) It was Super Bowl 49.
I was working in a hospital up in Seattle.
The next tragic series of events still haunts me.
First, the power goes out.
(all yelling) Really? Next, my idiot friend Matty starts flipping light switches to see if they're working.
Next, I started getting stressed about the mess.
I had surgery in the morning and I can't go to sleep with a dirty house, so I started doing the dishes.
The soap must have lubed up my hands, because my Harvard class ring fell of.
Did I tell you I went to Harvard? Well, I did.
Harvard University.
Anyway, my ring fell down the drain, I I stuck my hand down to retrieve it, not realizing that Matty had turned on the garbage disposal.
Then, the power came back on.
(disposal whirring) (men whooping) (screaming) (screaming continues) Oh, my God.
That's horrible.
That wasn't the worst part.
You see, once in every generation, a surgical prodigy arises.
That prodigy is me.
At 23, I was the head surgeon on the operation that separated the Hemsworth brothers.
W-Wait.
They're not even twins.
Well, that's what made the procedure so difficult.
The point is, that for years, I was the guy you called when no one else could do the job.
I was the best.
And, uh, I got my hand and couldn't get a job.
I was like "Shoeless" Joe Jackson, being banned from baseball in his prime.
"Handless" Joe Jackson.
For two years, I suffered as I watched other lesser surgeons do my job.
It broke my heart, 'cause I knew I could still do it.
I mean, yes, I would still see the patients.
And don't get me wrong, I'm a genius at solving medical problems You know, connecting the dots, but (loud bang) I'm a surgeon! It's my identity.
And it's why I owe Dean Munsch for finding me and giving me a second chance.
That is admirable.
Well, what choice do I have? This place is my last chance.
If it doesn't work out, I've got nothing.
Hmm.
(gasps) You're freezing.
Yeah, I, uh, I run cold.
Oh, no, my grandmother runs cold.
She has to wear a little knit cap in the fall, but you you feel like a block of ice.
Well, I envy ice.
At least, if you give it warmth, it melts.
WOMAN (over speaker): Dr.
Semedla, please report to urology.
CATHERINE: I'm basically a shut-in.
The only night I go out is Halloween.
Just, I want a normal life.
Of course you do, sweetheart.
And-and you deserve that.
Yeah, but like they say, deserve has got nothing to do with it.
We were right the first time, there's nothing we could do.
No, that's not possible.
We just have to try harder.
No, it this is an issue on a chromosomal level.
Right.
It's be like asking us to make your eyes blue.
- Mm-hmm.
- Or me warmer.
WOMAN (over speaker): 14.
Chamberlain Jackson and his magic cart.
Room 314.
CATHERINE: I knew it.
I should have never come here.
Let you get my hopes up.
Oh Sorry to interrupt, but I thought I heard a patient who maybe needs a little bit of cheering up.
Excuse me? You can't just barge into a room like this.
Well, actually, that is my job.
The Craigslist ad said, "uplifting male, "20 to 30, needed for unpaid nurse's aid position to start immediately.
" How you doing, pretty little lady? My name is Chamberlain Jackson, and I'm your friendly neighborhood candy striper.
This right here is what I call my magic cart.
Take two of these and call me in the morning, Hairy Mary.
Boo-yeah! (laughs) I am leaving here right now.
I've never been so embarrassed in all my life! No, no, please.
Just give us one week.
Okay? I promise you, by next week, we will have a cure.
Yeah, sure.
Okay.
There's no way I can eat that.
S stick to me.
She's good.
Okay.
We need to have a discussion.
(groans) Does it involve the inane decision to make our first case an incurable genetic disorder? Why on Earth did I insist on making Werewolf Girl our flagship case? It'd be easier to cure Zika.
Does it not bother you that this hospital staff is just me and a whole bunch of dudes? I thought you were this icon of New Feminism, or something.
Feminism is just so boring.
What I'm saying, is we could use some more ladies around here.
Okay.
I get your point.
And I have an idea.
I know exactly what I'm gonna do.
(sighs) (sighs) Good morning, idiot hookers.
Good morning, Chanel.
Good morning, Chanel.
CHANEL: You would've thought that once we were exonerated by an award-winning Netflix documentary, and let out of the asylum, that the Chanels would be heroes.
You would be wrong.
We were pariahs.
We were innocent of the crime, but guilty of being awful.
Our grade-A blue ribbon realness got us ostracized.
(tires screeching to a halt) Oh! (gasps) You girls are the worst! CHANEL: We had a serious public image problem.
America hated us, our wealthy families had disowned us, but we kept our noses to the grindstone and went back to finish college.
Chanel #5? CHANEL: We decided to be communications majors, because it's by far the easiest, (mild applause) but quickly learned that a degree in communications is practically worthless.
(light applause) And then, I realized something.
That maybe the best way to rehabilitate our image was by doing something good for a change.
Don't drink, don't smoke I decided it was time for us to start giving back.
#5 got a job as a receptionist at a dentist's office.
Bryte Smile Children's Dental, how may I direct your smile? (phone ringing) Hold on.
CHANEL: She said it was because they provided free services to the poor.
Can everyone just shut up?! Do you not see that I am on the phone?! CHANEL: But I'm convinced #5 did it to get free braces for her vagina teeth.
Bryte Smile Children's Dental, how may I direct your smile? #3 got a job mopping up at the local men's fertility clinic.
Must be something inside She was in heaven.
It's okay.
I'm scared of needles too, but I promise you, you won't feel a thing.
CHANEL: It turns out, I love blood! Love it! It's 92% water, and contains hemoglobin, which transports oxygen throughout our circulatory system.
Where did I learn this? In a course I took to become a certified phlebotomist, that I passed with flying colors.
(exhales) Must be something inside 'Cause I don't drink, don't smoke.
What do you do? CHANEL: It turns out There we go! All done.
I'm really good at poking people.
Still.
We were poor, and exhausted.
May I have some more, please? Get your own damn pie! I've been mopping wads all week.
Who would've guessed it would come to this.
Two years ago, I had just been elected Kappa House president, and I was dating the hottest guy on campus who loved porking me because I was hot and rich.
We were on top of the world.
Or at least I was.
You too were just sort of along for the ride.
And then one serial killer goes on one campus killing spree and frames us for murder, and the next thing you know, we spend every night eating fruit pies, sitting on a stoop because no one will give us their HBO GO password.
(sighs) (car door closes) Oh, my God.
Dean Munsch? Hello, Chanel.
Chanels.
What do you even want from us? (scoffs) Let's call it redemption.
Here's the pitch.
I want you to enroll as medical students and come work at my hospital.
Yes, we'd love to! That's amazing! Shut up, Number Five! Okay, that offer is insane! Why would you do that? It does appear from your current employment that you have some experience in the medical field.
And I think you girls still have a lot to learn.
And I want to help you learn it.
(clinking in distance) (clank in distance) Hello?! (door opens) (gasping) No! (screaming) Oh, hey there, Z.
You seem surprised to see us.
I don't understand.
What are you doing here? We work at the hospital now! That's not possible.
You're not medical students.
We are now.
I mean, Dean Munsch arranged the whole thing.
Didn't she do the same thing for you? No.
I got into medical school all by myself, which took a year and a half and was really hard.
I'm so glad you guys are here! Oh This is gonna be so much fun.
I think I speak for all three of us when I say that becoming a doctor was never the dream.
Come on.
We're gonna be late.
Ew.
What the? All right ladies Pick a locker and this is where you change out of your regular clothes and put on - your scrubs.
- This is mine.
It's purple my favorite color.
No.
Nuh-uh.
I am not wearing disposable clothing.
I mean, you cannot tell me, as a registered voter of these United States, what I can and cannot wear.
She's got the look She's got the look She's got the look She's got the look What in the world can make a brown-eyed girl turn blue When everything I'll ever do I'll do for you And I go, la-la la-la, la, she's got the look Oh, my Give me those.
MUNSCH: Oh, Dr.
Brock.
This is my team of med students.
(quietly): Hi.
(sighs) (Chanel sighs) (sighs) (door closes) Um let's go over what's expected of you.
All right, Chanels, your job is to follow the doctors around and observe them.
You just stand there silently.
Something I like to call "ghosting.
" Point of order? I don't think that's what "ghosting" is.
"Ghosting" is when you leave a party without saying good-bye.
That's a French exit.
Okay, you guys are all idiots.
"Ghosting" is when you've been texting with a guy for a long time, and you know, things are going really, really well, and you think that he's really into you, and then, all of a sudden, one day, he just stops texting back because he finally saw what you look like.
And so you just text him, and you're like, "Hey, sexy, where'd you go?" And then he just doesn't answer because he ghosted.
Wait.
Isn't "ghosting" when you do a number two and you look down at the paper, and there's nothing there, and so you stand up, and you look in the toilet, and there's nothing there either, because the turd somehow got shot down the hole before you even flushed? That's ghosting.
All right! There are a lot of uses for the term "ghosting.
" The usage I am describing is where you stand silently and say nothing.
That's not ghosting.
ZAYDAY: Well, Catherine, we have good news.
I've done a whole bunch of research, and I think we may have found the way to treat and possibly cure your disease.
Wait.
Why are you doing all the talking? You're not even a doctor.
Why aren't they telling me anything? I find that oftentimes silence is the only appropriate response to the gaping expanse of emptiness that stretches out before each and every one of us.
Sorry.
I'm just finishing up a text.
And sent.
(phone whooshes) What? Who are they? Oh, don't mind us.
We're ghosting.
Yeah, we're ghosting.
Isn't "ghosting" when you leave a party early without saying good-bye? Yes, it is.
Okay, just one question, and then I promise I'll start ghosting.
How do you not, like, freak out every single time you look in the mirror? Oh, my God, thank you.
I had the exact same question.
You guys need to shut your mouths right now! In a second.
One last thing.
So sometimes when I'm feeling a little bit bloaty, and I really need to puke, I try to, like, envision a hairy shower drain.
And sometimes it works, and I can barf.
But then, other times, the image is just not gross enough.
So I was just wondering if you could maybe describe your shower drain for me.
No! I'm Wait.
I'm picturing it right now.
(retching) (gulps) Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
That'll work really well.
I am sorry about their behavior.
They're new to the hospital setting.
I want to outline what I think could be a very promising experimental treatment.
Researchers in Berlin have isolated what is called a "brain-derived neurotrophic factor" that is prominently involved in the control of Murine hair follicle cycling.
This BDNF is active in the basal forebrain.
That's at the front of the brain, right above the eye sockets.
Now, while such a procedure has never been attempted before, it is my belief that if we drill a small hole into the skull You want to give me a lobotomy?! Now, Catherine, let's not get our dander up.
Now, listen, I have to be honest with you.
Now, in a case as severe as yours, we have very few options.
Now, this procedure, you know, somewhat, uh, invasive and all, could provide a little relief from your symptoms.
I really do want it all gone.
We know that this is a big decision, and we don't want to rush you, but as this is an experimental procedure, if you do decide to move forward, we're gonna need you to sign this consent form.
Um Just sign it, Sasquatch! (over P.
A.
): Nurse Hoffel, we have a bedpan emergency (screams) Oh, my God, ghosts.
They're not ghosts, idiot.
They're nurses.
Just try not to touch them, Number Five.
We're doctors now which means nurses are basically our servants.
WOMAN: Excuse me? Ew.
Who are you? I'm Ingrid Marie Hoffel.
I'm an advanced practice registered nurse and the C.
U.
R.
E.
Institute's head of administration.
Hold on, you're aware that your name is I.
M.
Hoffel, right? I run this hospital.
I'm in charge of all executive hires.
I read your files.
You girls are not doctors.
I have no idea why Munsch asked you here but it must've been to kill you because you are utterly unqualified to practice medicine in any shape or form.
You do not belong here.
We're actually late for a personal meeting with your boss, Dean Munsch, so I will be sure to pass along your concerns, Nurse Hoffel.
Listen, little girl, just so we're clear, I don't like you.
You mess with me, and I will eat you for lunch.
Carry on.
(gasps) (over P.
A.
): Nurse Hoffel, a bedpan emergency in 402.
(Chanel whimpering) Oh.
Hello, Zayday.
Dean Munsch summoned us here to speak with her in private.
MUNSCH: Oh, no.
Actually, it was Zayday who summoned you.
She was just filling me in on your antics down in the examination room? ZAYDAY: You just met a horribly disfigured woman, and you couldn't even help yourselves.
Instead of choosing to help the poor woman, you chose to humiliate her.
Okay, once again, you have completely misread a situation and blown it way out of proportion.
Dean Munsch, if you don't fix this problem right now, I am fully prepared to tender my resignation.
Zayday, that won't be necessary.
Chanels, you are now on academic probation, and confined to your dormitories until further notice.
And in the meantime, I expect 10,000 words on bedside manner in clinical practice by Thursday.
Hold on.
We still get our salaries, right? (chuckles) What? Our doctor's salaries? No! What?! (laughs) You were never getting paid.
You're not doctors.
You are getting free room and board, and you are getting put through medical school.
I don't know where you got the idea that you were also getting a salary.
(Chanels screaming) You know, it isn't actually so bad at all.
Seriously, after one day of work, I, like, definitely needed a vacation to just, like, unplug, you know? You stupid dugongs! Don't you get it? It wasn't so long ago that I was on the fast track to becoming a network news anchor.
I had a dream, and that dream was to be the next Diane Sawyer, and now I realize that's never gonna happen! Sorry.
What did you say? I zoned out for a sec.
Wait a second.
Maybe we won't be network news anchors.
But what's stopping us from becoming special medical correspondents for Fox News?! What are you talking about? We'll become TV doctors.
We'll have our own doctor TV shows, like Dr.
Drew or Dr.
Phil or Dr.
Oz, or The Doctors.
Just imagine the amazing TV show I could do.
I mean, I could have segments like, "How to Swallow a Tapeworm with Dr.
Chanel Oberlin.
" And then, Number Three and I can do a segment where we come on the show with exotic animals from the zoo! Damn it, Number Five, no network would ever hire you.
Your face is what they in the business call "a channel changer.
" So what do we do? Get back in Dean Munsch's good graces and get our medical degrees.
How do we do that? By pulling an all-nighter and figuring out a cure for that Werewolf Girl before Zayday does.
(crickets chirping) (gasps) Chanel.
What are you doing here? Scared the crap out of me.
(chuckles) Well, I was pulling an all-nighter with the Chanels trying to find a cure for Werewolf Girl, when suddenly I realized that both Chanels are idiots.
What are you doing here? Yeah, the same.
We cannot perform a lobotomy on that girl.
So what have you come up with? Well, I'm just trying to go over the facts.
Uh, fact number one Patient's covered in thick hair from head to toe.
Right.
Also a fact that hirsutism can be caused by polycystic ovary syndrome, but Catherine hasn't complained of any abdominal pain or irregular periods.
She does have irregular eating habits.
Have you seen this nurse's report? It's gross.
Beef, liver and kidney beans? Crab legs and oyster sauce? 12-egg omelet, no yolks, just whites and canned tuna, three glasses of whole milk? That's not an unhealthy diet, per Se.
I mean, all those foods are loaded with vitamin D.
Vitamin D is a very good I should be on that diet.
It's good for dudes.
(Chanel laughs) Boost the testosterone.
Do? Testosterone.
That's it.
Stop! Stop the operation! Chanel, you can't just barge in here like that.
Yeah, you guys do know this is a sterile environment, correct? Testosterone.
What? Catherine, your diet is extremely high in vitamin D.
It's boosting your testosterone.
We're gonna put you on a soy-based diet immediately.
It'll spike your estrogen and bring your hormones into balance.
Your boobs will probably get bigger, too.
(chuckles) Starting a regimen of dihydrotestosterone.
It's a byproduct of testosterone.
It's what causes hair loss in men.
See, if we can introduce enough DHT into your system, well, you'll lose hair naturally, the way a man would.
Most men, really.
Interesting.
Yeah.
It really is a compelling solution, now, isn't it? I mean, here you were, ready to, uh, jam an ice pick into the patient's brain and sort of randomly root around willy-nilly, and then we come in at the last minute, We.
saving the day, coming in with a much better treatment option, rendering your original procedure unnecessary.
Bummer.
Wait, hold on.
So we're just not gonna do the surgery? That's right.
Change of plans.
I say we go with Chanel's idea first.
(gasps, chuckles) Oh, so, Dr.
Hot, just to be clear, you're saying that our idea is better than Zayday's idea? Uh yeah.
In this case, I would.
Awesome.
Later, Zayday.
Chanels! (gasps) (panting) How's our little Hairy Mary doing this morning? (gasps) (screams) (screams) Oh, my God, it worked.
We cured her.
You didn't tell me I would lose all of my hair! I have no hair anywhere! I look like a cancer patient! No.
You look like a large baby.
This is not okay! Now, hold on.
I spent a full hour flirting with Dr.
Brock to try to find a cure for you.
So I'll be damned if we're giving up now.
(sighs) Catherine, I think we need to consider one more procedure.
A makeover.
(intro to "Vacation" by the Go-Go's playing) Can't seem to get (coughs) My mind off of you Back here at home There's nothin' to do Ooh A week without you Thought I'd forget Two weeks without you And I still haven't gotten over you yet Vacation, all I ever wanted Vacation, had to get away Vacation, meant to be spent alone Vacation, all I ever wanted Vacation, had to get away Vacation, meant to be spent alone.
Oh, my God.
This is amazing.
Thank you so much! You girls changed my life! (chuckles) I'm gonna go take my first Tinder profile picture.
Side angle, dim light.
We got rid of all your hair, but you're still a good 15 pounds from being even a New Jersey six.
Oh.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
(chuckles) Ladies, you have made this hospital very proud.
I mean, we're batting 1000.
Albeit with a very small sample size.
ZAYDAY: I hope y'all learned a valuable lesson about how fulfilling being a doctor can be.
And I hope you learned a valuable lesson, Zayday, about how easy being a doctor can be.
And maybe now we can put to bed all of your righteous lecturing about hard work and accept the fact that, through the power of the Internet, anyone can be an M.
D.
(chuckles) Let's go, ladies.
(sighs) CHANEL #3: I don't know why everyone talks about how hard it is being a doctor, because we're doing an awesome job and it seems like curing incurable diseases is super easy.
(chuckles) (elevator bell dings) Hello, Chanels.
Still dressing like sluts, I see.
Hello, Dean Munsch.
Hello, Nurse.
I thought I smelled something "Hoffel.
" (laughing): That's hilarious.
I just registered that your name sounds like "awful.
" You know, a broken clock is still right twice a day.
Just because you solved your first case doesn't make you doctors.
Your obvious stupidity will not get past me.
I got your number, you rich, dumb whores.
Good to know.
Come on, Chanels.
It is appletini-o'clock.
You don't belong here.
Keep riding them.
Hard.
I've got plans for them.
So do I.
Good news.
Dean Munsch was so impressed with our work on Chewbacca she decided to lift our academic probation.
Number Five still has to work graveyard shift tonight, but, other than that, we are fully liberated.
Wait, why do I have to work tonight and you guys don't? The graveyard shift, also known as the virgin shift, the single and lonely shift, and the dateless shift.
And you're the only one who doesn't have a date.
I got asked out by Dr.
Brock Holt.
And I got asked out by Cassidy Cascade.
(sighs) I like to look into these rooms and think about all the people who died in them, how every hope and resentment and emotional trauma they ever felt just disappeared into irrelevance the second it took their hearts to stop beating.
Do you want to go on a date? Yeah.
I guess.
No! I refuse to accept this, okay? We need a fresh start, guys.
I want to reinvent myself.
Chanel, remember back at the asylum when we were really close and, you know, just like, sit on the bench sharing secrets? First of all, I'm not the one who decided to stop taking her meds when we got released.
And second, it's pretty lousy for you to make me feel bad about trying to move on from the most traumatic experience of my life.
I think you should take the six hours of working alone in this empty, creepy hospital to think about ways you can reinvent yourself into a better friend.
Sometimes I think you're just not a very nice person.
(gasps, sighs) (water running) CATHERINE: Thank you for doing this.
They said I have to take two baths a day, or my skin will get flakey.
You know, doctors have been using hydrotherapy as a treatment for nervous exhaustion since, like, forever.
These used to put insane people in these things.
And no matter how much of a raving lunatic you are, after an hour, you're, like, super chill.
But that water looks really hot.
A hydrotherapy tub should be practically scalding, right to the point where you can barely stand it.
Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Oh.
Oh.
Mm-hmm.
Oh! Trust me, I've done it before.
It's amazing.
Now I'm just gonna close this lid.
Mm-hmm.
There we go.
Uh, did it? Did this just lock? Yeah, but don't worry.
I'll be here the whole time.
Oh.
(humming) Wait.
What are you do? Duh.
I'm doing one, too, okay? I'm super stressed! (water splashing) Ooh.
It's bracing.
(lid squeals, thuds shut) Well, did you just lock yourself in? How are we gonna get out of here? Relax! I told Chamberlain that we were coming down here.
He's gonna come down for us in an hour.
So just sit back and let the scalding hydrotherapy water melt away all of your stress and anxiety.
Okay.
(clock ticking) (hinges creaking) (hinges creaking, door closes) Chamberlain, is that you? (metallic scraping) (water dripping) (intro to "Be My Baby" by the Ronettes plays) The night we met I knew I needed you so And if I had the chance (metallic rattling) I'd never let you go So won't you say you love me I'll make you so proud of me We'll make 'em turn their heads every place we go So won't you, please (screaming) Be my little baby My one and only baby Help me! No! No! No! (screaming) Somebody please help me! (Catherine whimpering) I'll make you happy, baby No! (Number Five screaming) Please don't! Please don't kill me! Kill her! Kill her! She's awful! No! No! Oh, since the day I saw you I have been waiting for you You know I will adore you till eternity So won't you, please Be my, be my baby (screaming) Say you'll be my darlin' (screaming) Be my be my baby now Whoa, oh, oh, oh.