Scream Queens (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - Handidates

1 - Previously on Scream Queens.
- HESTER: Does this killer wear a mask with horns and leave a trail of green slime? You know who the killer is.
I also know that there's a connection to the Halloween murders that happened 30 years ago.
The entire hospital staff was murdered on Halloween night.
- Are you guys boning? - (GIGGLES) I want you back.
Back off Chanel.
I'm the recipient of the world's first complete hand transplant.
Dr.
Brock Holt has the hand of one of the world's most notorious serial killers.
Now you know my secret.
I love you so much, Chanel #5.
(SCREAMS) (GASPS) Ladies we have another serial killer on our hands.
And the killer is Number Five! - What? Me? - Yes.
You.
I think poor, warty Tyler here probably saw you naked and gagged, and you were so enraged, you decided he had to die.
What are you talking about? I didn't kill him, I was with you the whole time! So? You were with us a whole lot at Kappa House when folks were getting killed left and right.
And I'm still convinced you were responsible - for at least some of those murders.
- You guys.
There's a serial killer on the loose, and Hester said she had information about who it might be.
I think we should give in to her outrageous demands for discontinued designer cosmetics and get her moved to this hospital.
You idiot! She'll try to kill us! Number Five is right.
Neckbrace is dangerous.
First, we need to do a little detective work on our own, and then we'll go to Hester.
(SIGHS) All right.
Let's get this body down to the meat locker.
Last time we tried to hide a lot of bodies in the meat locker, like, every single one of them got stolen.
- (DOOR OPENS) - MUNSCH: What is going on in here? CHANEL #5: Shouldn't we call the police? MUNSCH: Girls! This place is called the C.
U.
R.
E.
Institute.
Do you know what the opposite of cure is? Death! Now, if word gets out that we have two dead patients, at a hospital where the Chanels just happen to be working, that has the distinctive odor of another serial killer on the loose, and we cannot have that.
Because all my hard work will be for naught, they'll come in here and close this place down, - and I'll die! - Wait, what? (WHEELS SCREECH) I‐I just meant that I've poured so much into this place that if they ever closed it, I would just die.
Now, come on.
We have to get Tyler into the swamp.
Come on! CHANEL #5: Wait, what? We can't just throw him in the swamp, that's, like, destruction of evidence! MUNSCH: We are not destroying anything.
Swamps preserve things.
She's right.
Every week, we hear another story about somebody discovering a perfectly preserved caveman in a swamp.
You're thinking of a bog.
Okay, fine.
I'm glad you took a class in comparative wetlands.
Maybe you could put in the same effort into figuring out who the killer is! It could be any of you.
That's why we have to dispose of this body.
It will buy us time so I can solve this internally.
I would just like to say my good‐byes.
Oh, dear God.
Tyler I loved you.
- Warts and all! - (SQUISHES) Oh, my God.
Did you just make his corpse barf? On three.
One, two - ALL: Three! - (GRUNTING) (SIGHS) MUNSCH: All right.
Let's get back inside before anybody sees us.
And not a word about this to anyone ever.
I love you, Tyler! (SOBS) Gross.
Okay, we get it, Number Five.
Another one of your boyfriends was murdered.
Get over it.
(PANTING) (BUCKET CLATTERS) (LAUGHS) (WHOOPS) Hot dog! Anyone around? Think my Jumping Frenchman of Maine disorder is cured.
Hello? (ELEVATOR DINGS) Oh! Hi there.
This some kind of test? Fantastic.
I honestly don't feel any anxiety at all.
I mean, you look very scary, I'm gonna give you that.
But no, all I feel is just happy to be alive and ready to take on the world.
(CHUCKLES) Oh! Wow! This is incredible.
(CHUCKLING): I'm transformed (SCREAMS) God! That hurts! Oh! No, no, no please, please, please (SCREAMS) Oh, God! (DOOR CREAKING) (FOOTSTEPS ECHOING) Hello, Chanels.
Dean Munsch.
CHANEL: Hester, we come to you today not as adversaries, whom you had committed to an insane asylum after framing us for a series of murders that you orchestrated, but as fellow Chanels.
(CHUCKLES) What's with the old exercise video? Sweatin' to the Oldies 2.
When you leave, they'll turn the volume way up.
The warden does enjoy her petty torments.
Someone is targeting the patients at the C.
U.
R.
E.
Institute.
Two have been murdered, and a third is missing.
He's dead, isn't he? (WHISPERING): Of course he's dead.
You know who the killer is, don't you? I know who it is because it's obvious.
The clues are right there in front of you, but I'm not gonna answer any more of your questions until you give me what I want.
A transfer to your hospital, and a room with a view.
- (SCOFFS) - You see, that transfer's never gonna happen.
You're never gonna leave this asylum.
But I did acquiesce to one of your requests.
- (MUNSCH SLAMS PLEXIGLAS) - There it is.
A Room with a View, 1985.
VHS version.
Enjoy it.
Don't toy with me, sluts.
The longer you stall, the more outrageous my demands will become.
Now, I insist.
You finalize the purchase in my name of a timeshare in Cabo San Lucas, where I will enjoy six all‐expense paid weekends a year, no blackout dates! - You're insane! - The clock is ticking, Munsch! The killings will only get worse until I get what I want.
Body count is about to go through the roof.
And from what I hear, this "Green Meanie" will make the Red Devil look like a Girl Scout.
Please, Hester.
He's murdered Number Five's hideous boyfriend.
Please tell us who it is.
All good things come to those who wait.
- Oh, Hester, please! - Hester, help us.
Somebody was killed at the hospital yesterday, and you're gonna tell us who the killer is! (GASPS) The clues are right in front of you, Chanel! Oh Your skin is looking a little dry.
Maybe you should try some Esrun Cream.
(GASPS) "Esrun Cream" (BEEPS) - Oh, what is it? - It's a text.
From Chad Radwell.
See, he's saying, "I know who the killer is.
" Which means, we didn't have to come here in the first place.
I hope you rot in here forever.
Girls! Ride is leaving.
Door! Pretty damning evidence, is it not? I‐I don't understand All this is, is a file of the man who was Dr.
Brock's hand transplant.
Fact: there's a serial killer somewhere in this hospital.
Fact: he probably had something to do with that dude that looks like the Fruit of the Looms grapes, and my good buddy Randal disappearing from said hospital without being discharged or cured.
Fact: Dr.
Hairline over here has the hand of a deranged serial killer.
And finally, fact: we know from every horror movie ever about people getting the hand of a serial killer put on their body that hand eventually takes over and starts murdering folks.
(SCOFFS) There is zero scientific evidence of any transplant recipient exhibiting behavior related to the donor.
Wait, wasn't your hand doing all that crazy stuff - at the movie theater? - Yes, it was my hand, but occasionally, it spasms and sort of gives the appearance of, uh, a life of its own.
But I swear to God, I would never kill anyone with it.
Chanel.
You have no choice but to reject this man and that gay, murdering hand, and start boning me again.
Chanel, before you say anything, I just want you to know that I'm the highest paid sperm donor in the state.
Oh, my sperm? - Are we talking about sperm? - Yeah, we're talking about sperm.
Oh, that's great.
We having a sperm‐off? - (SCOFFS) No.
- Oh! Okay.
'Cause you know what? I would win, because I banged both women in this room.
With my sperm! Enough! I don't choose you, Dr.
Brock.
And I don't choose you either, Chad.
I choose me.
Chanel Oberlin.
And I am not some little girl anymore who can be easily seduced by whichever man comes along and has the most money, or is the most rich.
I will date who I want to date.
Thank you.
Does anyone else find it odd that people started getting attacked and disappearing at the same time Chad showed up? I mean, if there's a killer amongst us - I say it's you, Chad.
- Yeah.
- (SCREAMING) - Hey.
Listen.
Chad is a moron.
I mean, he's probably the dumbest person I ever met.
And he's definitely the worst lay I ever had, but that being said, he does have a point.
This hospital must stay open.
The work being done here must continue.
It's very personal to me.
We can allow nothing to deter patients from coming here, including risking them being scared off by the possibility however remote it may be that we have a chief surgeon whose hand takes over his body and starts killing people.
You're not gonna fire me, are you? No! You're a brilliant surgeon, and very easy on the eyes, but I think we're gonna have to do something about that hand.
Outstanding.
I will go get my axe.
No, we're not chopping off his hand in the O.
R.
We are gonna look for a new donor.
Preferably someone who hasn't been arrested for multiple murders.
It is that or I'm afraid I'm gonna have to let you go.
Oh! Ooh, yes! Yes! Aah! Mm! (MOANING) Aah! (EXHALES) By my count, that was the fourth orgasm you've had since you've been in here.
And my 27th of the day.
And it's 9:00 a.
m.
I'm sorry.
I just have to know your secret.
I am in Hell.
That's my secret.
Two months ago, I was in the middle of teaching my yoga class, and as I was coming out of sirsa padasana, I had this, like, spontaneous orgasm.
And I thought it was funny at first.
And then I had another one a few minutes later.
And then I had another one in the locker room.
And then another one in the car on the ride ho oh! Whoa! Mm! Oh, God! It won't stop.
It's destroying my life.
My husband left me, because he immediately realized that all my orgasms with him were fake.
I am begging you.
Please make it stop.
I'll do anything.
Remove my vagina, I don't care.
Wait, can you actually do that? How do you remove negative space? I don't know, but that, that won't be necessary.
Um, you see, you have what's called "Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder" or PGAD.
Have you gone through menopause or had hormonal treatments recently? They're known to be the cause.
No, nothing like that, um I‐I don't do drugs or drink - or anything.
- Okay.
It's very hard to determine what causes the disorder.
But it doesn't really matter in terms of treatment.
Our first step will be to treat you to a heroic dose of antidepressants.
Like what SeaWorld gives only their most suicidal orcas.
Okay.
All right, well, thank you, Doctor.
I'll do anything.
Oh, so Oh, God! (LOUD MOANING) CHANEL #3: Who was operating in here anyway? A Chad Radwell guy was butchering cadavers for some reason.
He said he was practicing for surgery, but mainly he was just chopping off hands and saying the F‐word a lot.
Hey, you, um you seemed to be bummed out by that consult.
There's something I need to confide in you.
A secret no one knows.
I've never had an orgasm.
Oh, wow.
I didn't even know what they were until recently.
I thought they were just moans you did to let the other person know to roll off of you, like an "I'm ready for you to stop" alarm.
That's terrible.
Orgasms are pretty much the only thing everyone in the world agrees are great.
(CHUCKLES): Well until Hamilton came along.
(CHUCKLES) It's so original, right? Oh, it reinvented theater.
I mean, a rap musical about the founding founders? Changed the world.
And you know what's really telling about me? I didn't even like it that much.
This is all part of a larger problem I have in my life.
I am alive, but I'm not living.
If it was possible for me to feel anything, I would totally be sobbing right now.
I understand.
Better than you know, actually.
I have a secret of my own, as well.
Something I never share with anyone.
But since you opened up for me, I want to do the same for you.
I'm dead.
You mean like "in trouble"? No, like dead, like, actually dead.
I don't understand.
(SIGHS) It was my junior year in high school.
My lacrosse buddies threw a rad‐as‐hell kegger and I got ham‐dogged.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) My buddies warned me not to pass out on my back, or I would choke on my puke like Jimi Hendrix and die.
The next morning I woke up on my back, covered in puke, and I realized I did die.
And now I'm cursed to walk the earth for all eternity.
Like a Highlander.
Hold up, there was sort of a big leap in logic there.
Are you sure you didn't just choke on your puke and die? Yeah, everything was different.
I started to notice that dogs didn't bark at me anymore.
Wait, so if you're dead, - how are you breathing? - I don't know.
That's what I'm trying to figure out.
That's actually why I decided to become a doctor.
I needed to know if modern medicine had an answer.
So far, it's just turned up more questions.
I have no clue.
Maybe it's a Night of the Living Dead scenario? Some sort of zombie sitch or maybe there's, like, a task that I have to accomplish, before the universe allows me to die a natural death and my immortal soul is allowed to finally rest.
And after what you just told me, I'm starting to think maybe that task is to help you feel alive again.
That's very noble and romantic, but I've seen so much death and tragedy and had so much loss in my life, that it's like I'm encased in steel.
Chanel #3, I'm a doctor.
Bringing people back to life is what I do.
I may be dead but you are not.
Please give me the chance to help you see that.
Wow.
Your lips are super cold.
I told you.
I'm dead.
- (THUNDER CRASHES) - CHANEL #5: C, A, B, I, T, Y‐‐ "Cabity.
" Triple word score.
"Cabity" is not a word.
Yes, it is.
It's what happens when you forget to brush your teeth.
ZAYDAY: All right, fine.
Still beating you by 350 points.
Why are you guys playing Scrabble right now? I got it off of Chamberlain's cart.
Scrabble helps me think and it's good for the brain.
We have a mystery to solve.
I just don't understand why she said I need to use Esrun cream.
I mean, my skin is amazing.
I moisturize three times a day with this really shady stuff I have to order from China, which I've heard is either A panda sperm, or B stem cells of political prisoners.
I mean, I don't know.
I don't ask questions, because I'm really pleased with the results! (THUNDER CRASHES) That's it! (WHISTLING) CHAD: Oh, hi there.
What are you doing here? Just airing out my scroat, brah.
What? Don't worry about it.
I said I'm airing out my scroat.
And I brought you your list of handidates.
- My what? - Your prospective list of hand donors.
They're all in need of fast cash.
And I'm pretty sure none of them are serial killers.
Janusz Brozowsky, 41, janitor.
He's ambidextrous.
Said he can still rock a mop with just a left hand and a nub.
Fred Barnsdall, a 66‐year‐old accordion player.
Great guy.
There's Danny Rodriguez, assistant manager at Subway.
He said the job's so boring he's just thinking about cutting his hand off anyway.
Get out.
(CLEARS HIS THROAT) Also, I'm gonna be performing the surgery.
No.
(CHUCKLES) There's no way you're performing the surgery.
There's yes way I'm performing the surgery, Because A Dean Munsch loves me, B this is a teaching hospital, C I've been practicing on a lot of cadavers, and D did you notice that our wangers are about the same size? (GROANS) Now, remind me again why we're here.
"Esrun" backwards is "nurse.
" When I googled it, this came up.
An article in Central Florida Realtor Monthly from about five years ago.
You know, we could've gone over all of this if you had just flown with us on the plane.
Yes, well, I don't fly commercial, just private.
All right, "The house that Esrun built.
"How nurse Lynn Johnstone turned "homemade hand cream into the crown jewel of Florida real estate," hmm.
So, there's a big mansion in the middle of the Everglades.
I still don't get what this has to do with the Green Meanie.
None of us do, you idiot.
But, obviously, Hester wants us to find out.
This is some good sleuthing, Zayday Williams.
(SCOFFS) Too good.
Could you just stop? It's obvious I'm not the killer.
(KNOCKING) Hello.
We're looking for a Lynn Johnstone.
Is she here? Excuse me, I'm Lynn Johnstone.
- Mm? - You know, eight percent of nurses are male and Lynn is a noble Celtic name.
It means "pool or "lake.
" All right, Pretty in Pink.
Don't get your panties in a bunch.
You mind if we come inside? It's as hot as fish grease out here.
And Special Agent Hemphill is getting a little damp in the crack.
Welcome to the House of Esrun.
Watch your step.
There's moisturizer everywhere.
This is my in‐home studio where I film all the Esrun cream infomercials.
We are in 150 different countries and last year we grossed over $350 million.
Yes, well, that's all very interesting, but we're here about Our Lady of Perpetual Suffering Hospital.
DENISE: Your name came up as a possible link to some recent incidents that transpired.
I used to work there.
- I was there the night it happened.
- The night what happened? An entire floor of patients and staff were euthanized.
- Say what now?! - I was in the bathroom.
Because I had to make a big ol' number two.
(ECHO AND THE BUNNYMEN'S "THE KILLING MOON" PLAYING) I was in that bathroom for a while.
See, I had just started taking psyllium husks.
And those things scrub you like a brush.
So I was doing some (SING‐SONGY): vocalizations to sort of work through the discomfort.
(GROANING VOCALIZATIONS) And that explains why I didn't hear anything.
Fate Up against your will Through the thick and thin You give yourself to him (SCREAMING) I talked to one reporter, but the hospital board paid me $5 million in hush money and made me sign a nondisclosure agreement.
I put all of that money into Esrun cream! Which is actually just Jergens.
I put it in different bottles and put a sticker on it that says, "approved by nurses" and charge three, four times the price.
So, wait, you never got a glimpse of the murderer? I didn't have to.
I know who did it.
In October of 1986, I'd only been at the hospital for a few months, but I became best friends with Nurse Thomas, who'd been there for years.
And one night before she and everyone else were killed, she was freaking out because Halloween was coming up, and it reminded her of the year before.
When a pregnant lady and her husband came into the ER, and the doctors let her husband die and threw his body in the swamp.
And a few weeks later, Nurse Thomas, along with everyone else, was dead.
I knew there had to be a connection between that Halloween and the year before.
But I tried my best to just forget about it.
But then a few weeks ago the phone calls started.
(RINGS) Esrun, approved by nurses, Lynn speaking.
(DEEP DISTORTED VOICE): I will come from the swamp, where you threw all of the bodies.
What? Who is this? You have blood on your hands.
I am a proud male nurse.
This is harassment! I'm going to kill again.
(LAUGHING) They were trying to hide it, but I knew that it was a woman's voice.
My first thought was, "Oh, my God, it's that pregnant woman.
" Or the baby of the pregnant woman.
That occurred to me, too.
CHANEL #5: Or maybe the swamp is filled with feminizing chemical agents and they thought that it was the guy that they drowned, but he came back as an androgynous swamp monster bent on revenge.
MUNSCH: Yeah, I think that's less likely.
- Thank you very much, Nurse.
- We'll be in touch.
Ladies! We need these for evidence.
MUNSCH: Well, I don't know why you girls are so exhausted.
My flight was divine.
We had to fly Southwest.
We had a three‐hour layover in Islip.
MUNSCH: Yes.
But the trip proved helpful, because we now have a definitive link between the murders in 1986 and what's been happening at the hospital.
Hold on.
This still don't make sense to me.
If the killer wanted to avenge the death of the patient that those nurses and doctors threw into the swamp, why he start killing now? Hmm? He already got his revenge.
Those nurses and doctors already dead.
That's right.
That Wolfgirl, Randal, Tyler, they were all patients.
Why would the killer want to go after them? Well, it makes perfect sense to me.
The killer wants revenge on my hospital.
And the best way to do that is start killing patients.
Now, we already know who the killer is.
It's someone at this hospital.
Someone who's over six feet tall, which means he's probably male, which rules out that mother.
But the baby she was pregnant with, that little boy, was born in 1986.
That makes him around 30.
So, it could be Cassidy.
Or Chad Radwell.
Chad's our age! Nuh‐uh.
Chad told me when he was in the second grade, he got held back for eight consecutive years.
His ass is 30.
- Or it could be Chamberlain.
- Chamberlain? I mean, I guess it could be.
I just never would have suspected.
I have to go! CHAD: Hmm.
Janusz.
I need you to put your hand on the cutting board so I can saw your hand off.
It's a good looking hand.
It's gonna sting a little bit.
This is not how you perform a surgery.
You might want to se You might want to sedate the patient first.
Look, I know this is a teaching hospital, and I have no problem with Dean Munsch letting you saw the handidate's hand off.
In fact, I'm such a good surgeon, no matter how bad you botch this up, I'll be able to fix it with one hand.
Okay.
You want to know what no one likes? A back seat hand surgeon.
And because you interrupted my doctor flow, I'm not gonna sedate either one of you.
(WHIRRING) Stop the procedure! We don't have to do the transplant.
I know you're not the killer.
Somebody's killing a bunch of folks in this hospital, he's got the hand of a serial killer.
No, no.
No.
The killer is around age 30.
Dr.
Holt is much older.
But you're not.
You are now my prime suspect.
Thank you, Dean Munsch.
Now, I can get back to doing what I love: saving lives.
And winning the hearts of nubile young medical students.
(DOOR OPENS) Oh, you think this is the end of the movie.
It's not.
This is the first part.
Where the bad guy beats the good guy and then the good guy trains in a montage, comes back, beats the bad guy, freeze‐frame into a kiss with the girl, as my old and ethnic mentor looks on! Listen, Howdy Doody, you're younger than I am, you're richer than I am, but let me guarantee you one thing.
The next body I touch with these hands, which I'm keeping, will be Chanel's.
And I'm gonna get in my car and I'm gonna drive to Tiffany's.
I'm gonna hand the clerk my wallet and buy an engagement ring.
I'm gonna slip it on her finger and marry her.
I'm Chad Radwell.
And I always win.
No matter what.
I don't think you know who I am.
Or what I'm capable of, Chad.
The things I've done, the things I'm willing to do.
If you're smart, you will get in your car and you will not come back.
CASSIDY: I don't understand.
There's no history of this kind of psychosis in her life or family.
No, no! I got all type of‐‐ oh! Wait, I know what this is.
This is what Chanel #5 is like when she takes an overdose on her anti‐depressants.
One time, she got in a huge fight with our couch, and we took her to the doctor, and he said it was something called Emotional Lability.
Maybe because Mrs.
Baumgartner doesn't need the anti‐depressants, they're screwing with her brain chemistry and making her act all nutty.
Oh, God! Help me, please! CHAMBERLAIN: No! (YELLING) Why do I have to do the poses? Can't you do them and let me play the doctor part? Well, I'm not playing doctor.
I am a doctor.
Which means I'm the one who has a rigorously tested knowledge of anatomy.
So, I have to be the one to examine you, while you get into the same position Sheila was in when her condition started.
Can I just say, for the record, before we begin, that yoga is just stretching for douchebags.
Noted.
Okay, so Sheila said when she first started being symptomatic, she was in a pose called "Sirsa Padasana.
" I can't do that.
It's okay.
Don't worry.
I'll help you.
(BREATHING SHALLOWLY) Okay, perfect.
Great, now are you feeling pressure anywhere in particular? There's an overall feeling like I'm gonna snap in half, but if I really focus, I can feel some strain in my lower back, kind of running through my pelvis.
And my butt entrance feels tingly, but that's not unusual.
CASSIDY: Um (WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY) Chanel #3, I'm gonna twist your hips just slightly, okay? So don't be alarmed.
- (CRACKING) - (YELPS) What was that? It felt like you touched my hooha.
Wh‐What happened is, um, your sacrospinous ligament runs from the outer edge of your sacrum, to the spine of your ischium.
And your pudendal nerves run right beneath that.
So, if there's any irritation to it, it would cause inflammation, which would press against the pudendal nerve, and cause it to fire uncontrollably.
So, Sheila Baumgartner hurt her thing while doing yoga and that irritated her other thing, and that thing is what's making her pop off all the time? Yeah.
Exactly.
So all I need to do is block off her pudendal nerve with a simple surgery and she's cured.
Chad! - Chanel! - Chad! What is going on? What do you mean? Why does something have to be going on? Can't I just ask you to, you know, meet me in the park and walk and talk some things over? No, Chad.
You can't, because it's super weird and it seems like you want to murder me.
I mean, I actually brought - a stun gun! - Wha‐‐ When was the last time you wanted to, A go for a walk with me, or B have an actual conversation? Let's walk and talk.
- (SIGHS) - (EXHALES) Look, I've been doing some soul searching.
I don't know why.
Maybe because another one of my friends is missing and presumably murdered.
(EXHALES) Or because there's a hot surgeon with a murdering hand obviously trying to get in that box! Anyway I've been thinking.
About you.
- (CHUCKLES) - And me.
Us.
Okay.
(SIGHS) (MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING) - (SINGER VOCALIZING) - Chanel, I'm in love with you.
What? (GASPS) Wha Even when I told all those other chicks I was banging how awesome it was that they didn't have wangs, and I was in love with them, really, I was in love with you.
Really? Love, it's a funny thing.
Isn't it? (SIGHS) - Chanel Oberlin, will you - Oh, my God.
Pedro? Oh, my God, is this really happening? Get your lawyers to look over this prenup.
Are you asking me to marry you?! Oh, not really.
I'll consider asking you to marry me, um, if you sign the prenup.
Uh, you're gonna want a whole legal team to, kind of, look over this.
There's a lot of stipulations and some pretty specific riders.
Chad! I feel like I'm in a fairy tale! Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes! (MARIACHI MUSIC CONTINUES) Quiero ser el hombre Que controla tu vida entera Quiero ser el hombre que controla tu vida entera (MUSIC FADES) (FAINTLY): Quiero ser el hombre Once the epidural kicked in, the orgasms stopped.
Can't you just numb me from the waist down forever? That won't be necessary.
I just relieved compression on your pudendal nerve, so you should return to normal functioning.
(SIGHS) What will you do with your newfound freedom? I am gonna go to the movies, and I'm not gonna worry about getting kicked out because I'm too loud.
And then, I'm gonna teach a yoga class till the very end.
I am gonna enjoy all of life's pleasures that have been denied me since all this began.
And we are finished.
Time to start enjoying life again.
Early in the morning When I'm standing at attention I'm missing your attention And the smell of your lovin' All on me Put it in perspective I've given up the quest now - I can't wait to come home - No Keepin' on the first thing smokin' Baby I ain't drinkin' Oh yeah Out here on my own Out here on the road You okay? I think it's the music, baby.
I get distracted by R&B.
You see, it stands for Rhythm and Blues, but it's the least bluesy style of music and its rhythm is hardly what's most remarkable about it.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Okay.
(UPBEAT OLD SCHOOL HIP‐HOP PLAYS) I can't do New Jack Swing.
See, it reminds me of this film, New Jack City, and then my mind immediately goes to Wesley Snipes and all his trouble with the IRS.
(SIGHS) It's just so sad.
Very sad.
Okay.
(MUSIC STOPS) Chanel #3, I'm in love with you.
You'll always be safe with me.
Now, it's time for you to feel the power and the glory of the female orgasm.
I'm sorry.
I don't know what's wrong.
Maybe you're just not into me.
No I'm very attracted to you.
It's just that every time we touch, you're, like, freezing.
It feels like I'm hugging a snowman.
Right, but, we dis we discussed this.
I'm dead.
I Hot blood doesn't run through my veins like it does yours.
You want proof? (SIGHS) (THERMOMETER BEEPS) 61 degrees.
Oh, my God.
You are dead.
(INDISTINCT VOICE OVER P.
A.
) - Where is he? - Who? The patient! You had me paged.
They said it was an emergency.
There is.
I need to talk to you.
Also, uh, I need help tying this old‐fashioned bow tie for my wedding tomorrow.
I mean, I figured a guy like you, who was around during the Civil War would probably know how to do it.
Okay, I have a dilemma.
All my best buds are dead.
Okay? My frat bros, then Randall I got no one to be my best man.
You don't have brothers? Yeah, but I figure they're probably busy and also kind of want to save 'em to be my best man for the second wedding.
You know, that's the one that usually sticks, you know? Anyway, I was kind of hoping you'd do it.
I hate you.
But you love Chanel! Look, the best man's most important job is to make sure the groom doesn't freak out and leave his bride at the altar.
- You get what I'm saying here? - Mm‐hmm.
You have cold feet.
(SIGHS) Look, you're gonna get this because, obviously, we're both really handsome.
Girls really want to bone me, okay? When I die, I've left instructions to grind me up into a fine powder to be given out to underprivileged dudes who have trouble getting laid.
Because I'm convinced if they rub my essence on 'em, they're pretty much guaranteed to get ass.
Look, I'm not cut out for monogamy, okay? This is not what I do.
I mean, in a couple days, once I bone a girl at a stop light, or at an IHOP, or public park, I'll be cheating on my wife.
I don't know if I want to be that guy.
Then don't get married.
What? It's a little late for that.
Getting left at the altar works in Julia Roberts movies or on Grey's Anatomy, but in real life, that ruins you.
I don't want to hurt Chanel.
Isn't that weird? I just want her to be happy.
I want her to have a great wedding day.
I don't want my worries about my future studliness to get in the way of her special day.
Whatever happens down the road, I want this day to be for her.
Maybe I almost love her, you know? You're tying the bow tie a little tight, bro.
It needs to be tight.
Hold on.
Okay I'll be your best man.
- Hookers to celebrate? - Let's not.
Oh, and you should know, when you guys break up in six months, I'm gonna be there to comfort Chanel by having a lot of sex with her.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
It's a 29‐carat internally flawless fancy‐vivid diamond in the extremely rare "whore cut.
" Which is the preferred cut for mistresses of Russian billionaires.
Wow! That is one huge diamond.
I know, right? It's so heavy, it comes with its own chiropractor on call, has a built‐in LoJack system, and is its own Wi‐Fi hot spot.
Ladies, there's something important I need to ask you.
It may be the most emotional decision a bride‐to‐be has to make.
Chanel #3, would you be one of my bridesmaids? Of course I would, Chanel.
Zayday, would you also consider being one of my bridesmaids? Chanel, I'm so touched.
I would love nothing more.
(GIGGLES) Chanel #5, would you do me the honor, of being my ring bearer? Wait.
- Don't I get to be a bridesmaid, too? - What? No! News flash, Number Five, we're not that close! It's ring bearer or nothing! And just FYI, you're gonna have to dress up like a dog and walk down the aisle on all fours with the ring sitting on a cute little pillow that is strapped to your back like a tiny saddle.
Because having a dog be the ring bearer is so hot in wedding trends right now.
Oh, and also, - the wedding is tomorrow.
- What? - What? Don't you need to, like, plan a wedding? Uh, yeah, I did, this afternoon.
Chad's super rich.
I just did a rush order on everything.
Plus I need to strike while the iron is hot.
If I wait too long, Chad might change his mind.
Or forget.
I'm getting married! And this is your official C.
U.
R.
E.
discharge balloon.
This balloon means you've officially been cured.
Oh, that is so sweet! Now, does everybody who gets cured here get one? They will.
You're the first patient that's been able to get cured and survive.
- Excuse me? - Nothing.
Well, I guarantee you this.
I won't be the last, because I've already called the local news, and told them the story of my amazing care I received here.
I plan on putting both of you guys, this whole hospital, on the map.
Hello! (CHUCKLES) (METALLIC SCRAPE) (SLOW SCREAM) (SCREAMS ECHOING) Aah! All right, Green Meanie whoever you are let's go, bitch.
Zayday! Oh, Chamberlain, you're gonna need a hell of a lot of stitches.
It's gonna be okay.
I don't understand.
Why didn't he or she come after you? Denise, Zayday.
To what do I owe the pleasure? We're here to welcome you to the basement of the C.
U.
R.
E.
Institute.
You know, I have to say I am just delighted.
But I have to ask, why the change of heart? Well, your Esrun lead turned out to be legit.
So I pulled a few strings at Quantico and had you transferred here, on the condition that you cooperate with our investigation.
Another patient in this hospital was murdered.
The Green Meanie chopped the orgasm lady's head off right before my very eyes.
Mm‐hmm.
And tried to kill that little chunky black orderly.
But he refused to kill me.
And I'd like to find out why.
Probably 'cause y'all working together.
Would you stop it! (LAUGHING) What's so funny? (LAUGHTER CONTINUES) Stop laughing like that! It's creepy! (LAUGHING) Damn it, you homely bitch, you tell us who the Green Meanie is before he kills again.
It's too late.
(LAUGHING) - It's time - Time - To leave the world behind - Leave the world Save it for another time 'Cause I don't remember where I am When you love me, love me - Baby love - You are my - Baby love - Just call it - Baby love - You are my Baby love.
(BELL TOLLING) (YAWNS) Isn't the groom supposed to walk down the aisle first? Chad asked me to come first.
He said I should get used to it.
(SPUTTERS) (SIGHS) (CHUCKLES) (ALL SCREAMING)