Sean Saves The World (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Joy of Ex

- Okay, here we go.
Which president negotiated The Louisiana purchase? - Let me stop you right there.
I don't care.
Because mom's coming, and I'm too excited.
- Who is Thomas Jefferson? - You don't need to put it in the form of a question, mom.
And since I'm asking Ellie, you don't even need To put it in the form of an answer.
Okay, honey, come on.
You have a history test this week.
- Oh, give her a break.
I'm excited, too.
I love Jill.
She's pretty, she's smart, she's an excellent mother.
It's like you married me, Sean.
Ellie, your father married his mother.
- And one day, my head is going to explode, And when it does, I hope it's all over you.
- Aah! - Aah! - Oh, my God, she's here! - Why aren't you ever that happy to see me? - Because you never go away.
- Mom! - Oh, my baby! Oh, I missed you so much.
Oh, and who's this fine, sexy man? - Oh, I'm Sean, but there's something You should know about me.
- No, no.
Don't tell me until I'm pregnant.
- Oh.
- That's so funny.
I love it when you guys Joke about the fraudulent miracle of my creation.
- Oh, Lorna, you always look So beautiful and chic.
- And this is why I never took you out of the will.
- Hey, seriously, can you give my mom some tips? All she ever wears is a purple track suit.
- That's a shame.
Track suits are like wheelchairs Once they get you in one, you'll never get out.
- So, can you stay for dinner? - Oh, I'd love to, but the man whose senate campaign I'm running has a big fundraiser tonight.
And you know what that means? - Free shrimp? - Free shrimp.
- Your mom scarfs them down like a manatee.
- Hey, Ellie, you want to come with me? I can introduce you to Hillary Clinton.
- Oh, my God, Hillary Clinton? - And free shrimp.
- Oh, can I go? Wait, who do I ask? Wait, mom said I could go, so I'll ask mom.
Mom, can I go? - Uh, yes.
And then you can stay with me at the Drake.
We'll get sundaes and use way too many towels And do our nails in the jacuzzi tub.
- I'm staying at the Drake this weekend with Lee.
Only I'll be getting nailed in the jacuzzi tub.
- Please, save some of the details for the paramedics.
- So what do you say, honey? You and me.
It'll be so much fun.
Oh, if it's okay with your father.
- Yeah, before you decide, I am making my signature taco pie tonight.
The corn chip crust is never as crispy the next day, so You'll want to factor that in.
- Yeah, I'll go get my stuff.
- Pack your flashcards.
Memorizing historical facts is very important, Even though we have Google, so it's not.
- All those years I was the one Nagging Ellie about her homework.
I gotta say, it's nice to parachute in And be the fun parent for a change.
Hey, maybe I'll take Ellie And return her to you with chicken pox.
- All right.
So you got over the gay thing, But that you can't let go? - I can laugh at it now.
You know why? Because I'm the fun one.
- Oh.
- This is excellent taco pie.
If I had to make one criticism, It's that the crust is too mushy.
- That's because the beef is so moist.
I said this would happen with the corn chips, And it did! - So Jill showed Ellie a great time.
- Because when Ellie chose to live with me, We agreed she could change her mind If she missed her mom.
Now Jill's back, and she's all fun, And I'm just Joey flashcards.
- Mm.
- Sean, Ellie's not going to want to go back To New York with Jill.
Right, hunter? - She might.
I mean, look at the girl's choices.
New York or evanston the city that always sleeps.
- Oh, come on, guys.
Evanston's great.
The new chipotle's beautiful.
- Sean.
My father is in town And demands to have a word with us.
Come, come.
- Hello, Lee.
I understand you're going to see my mom.
- Yes.
Daddy has asked that we stay out of his way While he visits your prenatal stomping grounds.
Right, father? - That's right.
I don't want you bozos screwing it up this time.
I've got my pills, and I've been giving myself B-12 shots for stamina and mental acuity.
So after I pleasure your mom, We'll be able to discuss what happened.
- I don't think anyone would object If you kept some details to yourself.
But I promise I won't get in your way.
Between our parents, you and I could end up as brothers, Which might be Kind of nifty.
- Why do you always have to make things weird? - Oh.
- Why the long face, broseph? - My ex-wife's in town, And she's showing Ellie the time of her life.
I mean, she met Bono last night.
- Bono Bono.
Help me out.
Oh, that the poor magician Who got attacked by his lions? - Could not be more someone else.
But if I don't find a way to compete with Jill, She'll lure Ellie back to New York, And I'll be left all alone with crappy taco pie And a sexually satisfied mother.
- Isn't Ellie the daughter that likes volleyball? - I only have one daughter.
- Oh.
What happened to Allison? - There never was an Allison.
- I think you're mistaken, but go on.
- So, Ellie, the only daughter I ever had, Loves volleyball.
Why? - Would Ellie, clearly your favorite, Like to meet beach volleyball gold medalist Misty may-treanor? - Misty may-treanor? She's the reason my only daughter, Ellie, Got into volleyball.
- I've been in talks with her To handle her product line, she's in town.
I'm sure I could arrange a meeting this afternoon.
How would you like that, bro-diddly? - Oh, my God, misty may-treanor.
Ellie's going to freak out.
I'll be the fun one again.
Hey, thanks, Eleanor bro-sevelt.
- Love it.
- Someone very special.
I don't want to oversell it, But compared to this, your wedding day will suck.
- Jill, it's so great to see you! - Oh, Lizzie.
- Oh, I'm so proud of you.
Running a senate campaign that's so exciting.
My big challenge this morning was writing ad copy For a raincoat and trying to think Of a different word for yellow.
- Actually, my job is pretty exciting.
My boss has a real vision for this country.
Except for when he's drinking, and then it's a double vision.
- Ah-ah-ahem! - Oh, uh, Ladies, enough girl talk Because, Ellie, you are about to meet Misty may Or may-not-be-here.
- There was a slight hitch.
She said, "absolutely not.
" But don't worry.
You're about to meet someone Possibly even better and definitely very different.
- Wow.
It's - What the hell? - It's beloved local weatherman Dan drizzle And his good friend sleety Pete.
- Eh! - He was all I could get on short notice.
He usually does children's hospitals, So if he calls Ellie "a brave little girl," Just go with it.
- Hey, Ellie.
Today's forecast is sunny with Smiles and a chance of full remission! - Hey, isn't this great, honey? I'll bet Hillary Clinton can't talk Without moving her lips.
I didn't ask her when we were discussing world hunger.
- Well, she can't, so - Sleety Pete, what are you doing here? Is somebody sick? From this nice man and his domestic partner, But can I talk to you for a moment? - Yes.
Uh-oh! - So what's going on? You know Ellie's 15, right? - Okay, look.
I got it in my head that you might Want to take Ellie with you back to New York.
It's crazy, right? Crazy, I know.
- It's not that crazy.
- Yes, it is.
- Sean, things are going really well for me.
I've taken Larry from nowhere to leading in the polls, And when I get him elected, I'll be able to do any campaign I want.
Ellie will have access To all kinds of amazing people.
Plus, New York would be such an exciting place For her to live.
- Evanston is exciting.
We have a new chipotle.
People are throwing around the word "flagship.
" - Do you hear you? - Would I say things like that if I could hear them? I just don't want to lose Ellie.
- I know, because you'd miss her.
But I miss her, too, Sean.
Every day.
- But if you take her, then I'll miss her every day, And it'll be worse because it'll be happening to me.
Does she even want to go? - I haven't asked her yet.
But I think I've got a pretty good shot After don dribble and tragic Pete.
- It's Dan drizzle, and he's a hero! So, what, this is a contest now To see who gets our daughter? - You're the one turning it into a contest.
- She lived with you for 12 years.
I've only had her for eight months.
My time's not up with her yet.
So stop trying to buy her off with your glamorous life.
- You think I'm trying to buy her off? Wow.
- No.
You wow.
- That's it? That's your whole argument? "Chipotle" and "you wow"? - No.
This region is rich in culture And natural resources.
The largest body of water in the entire world.
- I believe that's the pacific ocean.
- I meant the largest lake.
- It's not the largest lake.
- I meant of the Great Lakes.
- That would be lake superior.
- Oh, so you know more things than me.
- Than "I.
" - Well, "I" not giving up Ellie! - Neither am me! - Guys, you're missing it.
Sleety Pete is pretending to eat Ellie's hair.
It's beyond classic.
- I'm gonna go see that, And not just because I'm losing this argument.
I don't want that filthy puppet touching my daughter's hair.
- Come on, Larry.
This donor could finance Your whole campaign with one check.
We have to make him like you.
So one more time What is his wife's name? - Could I please just have One of those little baby vodkas? - Close.
It's Gina.
And you promised no more drinking.
We can't have a repeat of Miami.
- It was 3:00 in the morning.
Nobody saw anything.
You were humping a statue of a dolphin.
And that poor statue of Dan Marino Had to stand there and watch it.
Larry, you need to grow up.
- You're right.
Would you go get me one of those big coffees That taste like a milkshake? They're so good.
- Fine.
But I'm taking the mini bar key with me.
- Oh.
- There's a statue Of Mary Todd Lincoln in the lobby, And I don't want to have to pry you off it.
Poor woman suffered enough.
- Penthouse, milady? - Yes, please.
That was a delicious dinner.
- And now some champagne, a little soft music - I think we're going down.
- I rule nothing out.
I had a b-12 shot, ate light.
- I meant the elevator, My revolting prince.
- Oh, God.
- This guy again.
Did you not breast-feed enough? - Sean, Lee and I are going to have adult sex tonight.
- I'm not trying to stop you.
Jill's staying here, and we need To work some things out.
- Well, whatever you're doing here, If you show up in the penthouse, You'd better hope that I'm tied up.
By the way, My doctor said I must not be tied up.
- Is this my floor? Who cares? I'm getting out.
- Yes? What? - Uh, isn't this Jill Madison's room? - Yes, but she's not here.
What? - I'm her ex-husband.
We had a little fight earlier.
I just came by to talk to her and give her this.
It's her favorite scotch.
It's kind of funny.
We drank it - Great story.
It's what America's all about.
Now get in here, you two.
- Hey, Ellie.
We're doing a little work tonight with your dad.
You've grown into such a poised, mature young woman.
- Really? Since this afternoon? - I think so.
- You guys can come on in and wait.
My dad went to see my mom.
He should be right back.
- Oh, he's meeting with your mom, huh? Well, whatever comes of that, I just want to say that you are a terrific kid, And we'll never forget you.
- Never forget me? - Hunter.
- What's going on? First an inspirational puppet show, And now you two are getting all mushy.
Am I dying? Of course not.
- Well We're all dying.
- Stop it.
You're a great girl, And everything's totally fine.
- Here, child.
This is for you.
- Oh, my God, I am dying.
- Oh, she's dying? Is that why she's going to New York, for treatment? - Who said I was going to New York? - Look, I just came by to say And if you choose to stay with your father, My soon-to-be brother, there'll a lot more Stuffed animals in your future.
Only not that big.
That one was crazy expensive.
Are my parents talking about who I'm going to live with? - Max, she didn't know.
- Well, at least she heard it from family.
- Come on, Larry.
So you drank a bottle of scotch.
It happens.
- I am so ashamed.
- Then open the door, and let's talk.
- And horny.
- Then let's talk through the door.
- Sean? What are you doing here? - I came by to settle this thing with Ellie.
I brought our favorite scotch as a peace offering.
- Oh, God.
Did Larry see that? - Actually, I think he was drinking it too fast to see it.
- Damn it, Sean! You got him drunk? How could you be so irresponsible? - I'm irresponsible? You're the one trying to put him in the senate.
So this guy is the kind of exciting, Interesting person you want Ellie to meet? Oh, she'll learn so much at his intervention.
- He already had one.
God, this is only my second campaign.
I can't have this blow up in my face.
Oh, was that your plan? To sabotage me so you could keep Ellie? - I Am not that smart.
Just go.
Your donor's only in town tonight.
You come out here right now! - I don't wanna! - Come on, Larry! - You're gonna help me? - Is lake Michigan the second biggest great lake? - No.
- Man, you should host a show called lake talk.
Come on, Larry! Open up.
People are always yelling.
First day of kindergarten, remember? - She locked herself in the bathroom.
- Exactly.
- Larry, we know you're scared.
- Because sometimes life is scary, sweetheart.
- And overwhelming.
- Uh, you could probably use a hug right now, huh? - Oh, God, yes.
- But we can't hug you through the door.
So be a big, brave politician and open up.
It worked.
Oh, God, Larry.
You're soaking wet.
- I was promised a hug! - I suggested he take a shower to sober up.
I assumed taking his clothes off was implied.
- So many buttons - His second suit's at the cleaners.
Where are we going to find another suit in his size? - I know a terrible place I can try.
- Why can't you leave us alone? - I need Lee's suit.
Like you want to be in his clothes, take his place? Do we need to go see Dr.
Tony again? - No, I need Lee's actual suit.
- Son, do I have to punch you? - He says he needs your suit.
- Oh, sure, man.
I'm not wearing it.
- How do I look? - Great.
- Good.
Then let's get busy.
Hey, slim, you got a camera on your phone? - Uh, he's still hammered.
Although I liked that he called me slim.
- In Miami, a doctor gave him a b-12 shot.
Straightened him right out.
But where are we going to find that In the next five minutes? - Oh, God.
Don't hit me.
- No, it's good to see you.
I need a break.
Your mother's an animal.
- Oh, thank God.
I was so worried you'd be disappointed.
Look, I need to borrow a b-12 shot.
- Is that room service with the chocolate sauce? - And I'll need a syringe for me with just air in it.
- Jiand I apologizegret if I offended you.
- Just tell me, what is our donor's wife's name? - Gina.
And his kids are Kyle, Kelly, and Cooper.
And I'm Larry branch, your next senator.
- Thanks for your help tonight.
I forgot what a great team we are.
- Are you kidding me? We kicked ass.
That's why our daughter's the best kid in the world.
- Let's not screw it up now.
- Right? No matter what happens with Ellie, We'll deal with it as a team.
- That would be the mature thing to do.
I just hope she chooses me.
- It'll be me.
- No, me.
- Me.
- Name the Great Lakes.
- Uh Michigan.
I want to say susie.
Damn, it's gonna be you.
- So your mom and I aren't gonna fight about it.
Whomever you decide to live with, We'll both support you 100%.
And if you choose your mom I'll be totally okay with it.
- Dad, if you start crying, I'm going to start crying.
And that's how we got kicked out of the theater during up.
They just wanted a baby.
And I would miss you so much.
Because all I want is my baby.
- Hey, guys, you'll be happy to know That I've solved our problem.
First thing this morning, I marched upstairs To tell Larry he has to get his act together.
- Good for you.
- Not really.
Larry, I need to talk to you.
- Yeah, now is not a really good time.
- I'm tired of cleaning up your messes.
You're a crazy drunk pervert Who cheats on his wife with sea creatures.
And if voters knew Oh, you moved the interview upstairs.
I was just saying that if voters knew How kind and compassionate Aw, balls, I can't do this.
You got any of that scotch left? That clip's running on every news outlet in America.
Larry's campaign is over, and so is my career.
- So there's nothing left for you in New York? You're finished? You're ruined? That's awesome.
- Honey, the body's not even cold yet.
I'm sorry.
- What am I gonna do? - I know what you're gonna do.
You're going to stay here With all of us Until you get back on your feet.
- Really? Can I? - Of course you can.
Forever! Marry daddy again.
Caught up in the moment.
- Good morning to my three favorite people.
And bear.
Honey, I talked to Dr.
Tony And he thinks that you're scared of losing me to Lee.
So I want you to know that even though Lee has my body, You will always have my heart.
- Oh, mom.
- Mm-hmm.
- That is so Gross.