Sex&Drugs&Rock&Roll (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - Bang Bang

1 [rock music] It don't always come naturally Sometimes you got to dig in the dirt To get what you need What I need, I need is you I'm going all out to be with you Bang, bang, I want it Shoot me down and I want it When I tell him that I want it He says "louder" Now tell me baby do you love as hard as I do? Is there a lightning - [music stops] - Wow.
- Kickass, right? - It's killer.
You were right about the song.
It's really good! Well, I only got you into the kitchen, and you made it cook.
Well, yeah, I made it cook, but also the band made it cook.
I don't see a single frame of them in this entire thing.
Yeah.
What happened to all that performance footage we shot? I axed it.
Every time I cut to them, they just sucked all the energy off the screen.
The band's gonna freak when they find this out.
Yep.
Well, they probably already know because I leaked the video online last night.
- What? - Jesus Christ.
Why? Why did you do that? Because you don't sit on something this good.
I mean, the goal is to get you a deal, right? Be fielding offers? Well, I already got an email from Lana Del Rey's management team.
- Really? - And two texts from Jay Z's company, and you can bet your sweet little ass he doesn't want you to babysit Blue Ivy.
- God damn.
- Holy shit.
Babe, you are gonna be the next giant one-name-only female music star, just like Beyoncé and Adele and Beck.
So, basically, you're telling me I need to fire the band.
Ugh.
But we are selling you, not the band.
And besides, they've already got another gig lined up.
They can focus all their attentions on Ava X.
I don't want to fire the band right now, okay? They sound tighter than they ever have, and half the reason that video was as good as it was is because the band [] kicked ass on the track.
But imagine working with a younger kickass band that doesn't have any of that emotional baggage.
I saw this ballsy band in Cleveland called The Red Wedding.
I'm bringing them in to work on your father's solo project.
They are such good players.
They are way tighter than The Assassins, but they're in their 20s, so their asses are tight too, and they happen to be gorgeous.
So when I'm up on stage with them, everybody's gonna be watching them, right? I mean, that's gonna make We play our cards right, everyone's gonna be watching her sing on "Jimmy Kimmel Live!" while we're kicking it in the green room listening to Jay Z's shit all over Spotify.
Sweetheart, don't stress.
Why don't you just come to your dad's gig, you listen to Red Wedding, and you judge for yourself.
You don't have to fire anybody yet.
[rock music ringtone] - Who's that? - It's Flash.
What's he say? "[] you.
" Meaning me.
I'm gonna delete him from my phone.
- See you later.
- Yep.
Bye, sweetie! [door shuts] Sex and drugs and rock and roll All right All right 'Cause I don't want to die Anonymous No, no No, no No, no Oh, Bam is so pissed we got cut.
Yeah, so is Rehab.
And Noah.
I don't blame Gigi.
This is Johnny.
I bet my left nut on it.
He might be that resentful, but he ain't that smart.
No.
It's Cat.
You were right.
She's out for blood.
Mine and yours.
[rock ringtone plays] Oh, an old Heathens tune as a ringtone.
Who's that? Just my ex.
- Jojo? - Yeah.
Oh, she saw the video.
"Where in the hell are The Assassins?" She sends me little dumb hellos and, you know, whenever she sees something that pisses her off Just a couple of old friends, you know? No.
I don't know.
Is she still married? She just split from her third husband.
You know, she's one of the biggest hedge fund chicks in the last 20 years.
Apparently some of these guys, they get a little threatened when the wife's the actual bread winner.
She just texted you all that? Sometimes we talk on the phone.
Mm-hm.
When's the last time you saw her? Two years? When's the last time you [] her? Two years.
I remember how insane you were for her, Flash.
It was the whole reason you left The Heathens when she slept with Johnny, and I always thought that you slept with me to get back at him, but really, you slept with me to get back at her, didn't you? - Oh, come on.
- Does she know we're together? - Yes.
- And she's still texting you? Well, I didn't tell her that you moved in.
- Why not? - I'm gonna do it right now.
Well, don't do it now.
You should've done it on your own, Flash.
I turned my whole world upside down to be with you.
I turned the band upside down.
- I did too.
- So why wouldn't you tell me about her? Ugh.
You want me to tell you every time I text one of my ex-flames? Oh, I don't know.
How many ex-flames - are you still in contact with? - Only her.
- Oh.
Ha-ho.
- It's no big deal.
Yeah.
Oh, no, that's no big deal.
Jesus Christ.
You got one of those ringtones in that phone for me? I'm gonna put one in right now.
Where does she live? What do you want? Her? Chrissie Hynde? Where does she live? Everywhere.
She's retired.
She's loaded.
She flies around the world in her plane doing this charity thing she started for kids in war-torn countries, African places like Chab.
You mean Chad.
A country called Chad? No.
It's Chab.
All right? Cat Stevens had a peace train.
She's got a peace jet.
And let me guess.
She's in New York right now, huh? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Oh, and when were you gonna see her? - Well, I'm not now.
- No, not now.
No.
We were gonna have coffee.
Yeah, you were gonna do coffee.
Right.
She doesn't even know where I live.
No, doesn't know where you live.
She doesn't know where we live.
Why don't you go ahead and text her your address, 'cause you have her number, don't you? Maybe she has a special ring for you.
[piano music] I don't want to talk anymore I don't want to listen to your stories If I can't have you Everything about you is over It's over I don't want to dance anymore I don't want to hold you any closer [together] If I can't have you Everything about you is over - Yeah - both: It's over Like a dagger Both: This has me staggering around Cut up in pieces on the ground When I just want to walk away Yeah [together] Like a bullet in my brain Like a channel I can't change Yeah, if I can't have you Everything about you is over Yeah, it's over Yeah, it's over Yeah, it's over [guitar solo] Dude, this band is smokin'.
Yeah, in more ways than one.
In the future [together] There is a diamond in the night Yeah, replacing you and I And she falls into my arms Yeah [together] And she falls into my arms Yeah And she falls into my arms [crowd cheers] Two whiskeys, straight up.
- Great show.
- Oh, Jesus Christ, you scared the shit out of me.
How you doing? Flash here? Uh no.
I'm solo.
Yeah.
Oh.
Cool.
I like the jacket.
Thanks.
[clears throat] I did some research today, and I want you to take a look at something.
This is Cat's farmhouse and land.
Turns out she ain't loaded anymore.
And I'm pretty sure she's running from a couple of Ohio banks.
- Really? - Yeah.
Hmm.
Interesting.
That doesn't bother you? Doesn't change how I feel about Cat.
Well, that's not why I'm showing it to you.
So you what You came down to warn Gigi? Yeah, that's exactly why.
And that's why you showed it to me first? Johnny, listen.
I don't want things to get out of hand, so I just thought that you and I could have a conversation.
Ava, Ava, Ava.
Ava.
Things are already way out of hand, okay? And I'm not blaming anybody.
I'm just saying you made your choices I made mine.
All right? I'm not breaking up with Cat.
Because you're in love with her now? I don't know.
I actually don't know what's gonna happen.
But I do know one thing.
Between you and me, just like the song says, it's over.
I guess those god damn Micki maracas weren't so lucky after all.
So what did you guys think? They're hot, right? Yeah, they are! Especially the lead guitarist.
He is absurdly handsome.
- I wasn't asking you, Noah.
- Oh.
Yeah, they're cute and they're cool, - but they're young.
- Yeah.
And they're new, like me.
I think there's something to be said for a group of experienced musicians playing behind a singer that's just starting out.
- Right.
- Yeah, but there is something magical about three talented, virile young men on a stage.
- Marketing-wise.
- Right.
[laughs] So what did you think, Johnny? I think we should probably sleep on it.
- Yeah.
- You do? Yep.
- [door slams] - We should sleep on it? What kind of pussy move is that? She was impressed by those guys tonight, you idiot.
You should've pushed her in the right direction, but I don't know is that not what you want anymore? Oh, it's clearly what you want.
I'm just wondering exactly why.
Oh.
[chuckles] Let me guess.
Ava.
That's right.
[paper crumbles] [scoffs] I ran out of song ideas.
It's like I hit this huge dry spell, and I thought it was because I was so focused on raising Gigi, but then she left, and my writer's block got worse, and the phone stopped ringing, and the cash stopped flowing.
And what? You just decided to come to the big city and use Gigi to get some more cash to flow? I came here to use you to, you know, recharge my creative impulses.
And I don't know.
I think that we are coming up aces.
I mean, we've written what? Like three songs already? Four.
I rest my case.
I took all the cash I had left and I rolled the dice on my talented daughter.
Mm.
And her gifted, [] up, sexy dad.
Yeah? I'm all in, Johnny.
- Financially - Mm-hm.
And emotionally.
So are you in? [moans] Or are you out? [moans] No, no.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
I'm sorry Are you turning down one of my blow jobs? I know.
I barely believe it myself.
I'm turning into, like, a responsible dad.
Let me let me explain, okay? Emotionally, I'm totally invested in this kid, and financially, I was screwed.
So that's why I brought you in.
So I'm a god damn dollar sign? That is why you called me? That was a part of it, but I wanted to give the relationship a real shot because I thought it was the best thing for Gigi to have both her parents together under one roof.
Well, that is one very expensive god damn roof, which I [] paid for.
Okay, listen.
You're taking it the wrong way.
Shut it! You need to quit your solo career.
I'm not quitting my solo career.
- Mm-mm.
- I'm never quitting my solo career.
We are past our fame due date.
We need to be behind the scenes figuring out ways to generate cash to tide the three of us over until Gigi gets a deal.
But first, we need to convince her to fire The Assassins.
And I tried.
I laid out my best guilt trip on her.
- And? - And nothing.
She laughed at me.
She had no shame in shooting me down, which I don't know.
I wonder who she gets that from.
- Doesn't get it from me.
- Pfft.
I could literally never shame or guilt you into anything.
You were a brick house when it came to that shit.
Okay, so she got my voice, my body, and my steely Armenian resolve.
- Mm-hm.
- What did she get from you? I don't know.
That is a good question.
I don't think she got anything from me, which is probably a blessing in disguise, you know? I'll tell you what she got from me.
Irish Alzheimer's.
I forget everything except the grudges, right? You know what I'm saying? She's got my black Irish rage.
The night that Flash broke up with her, she went back to his apartment and destroyed 15 of his favorite guitars with a god damn chainsaw.
And then she came back here with ice cream.
We had an ice cream party watching TV together.
It was, like, the happiest she's been all year.
I'm telling you, that look she had in her eyes when she said she was gonna delete Flash from her phone That's the side we need to nurture.
Just work on the revenge gene.
This is a good approach.
Oh, my God.
I love this approach.
- Right? - Yes.
[together] Mm-hm.
[laughs] Look at you.
You're a proud papa.
Yes, I am.
And you're the concerned and caring mom.
[laughing] - Okay.
- [zipper unzips] Oh, what are you doing? I'm ready for the blow job.
No, no, nope.
I'm not in the mood anymore.
But you got me all revved up here.
I'm ready to go.
I don't do guilt.
And neither does my entertainment system.
But revenge That there gets me hot.
So you know what? You go get your daughter's Irish up, and then, you know, we'll see what happens.
If she fires the old band, then your cock is gonna get all the credit.
I'm gonna go talk to her.
Hey, guys.
This is my new band, Red Wedding.
They're from Ohio.
Who the hell are these dudes? [sighs] We're what you dudes are gonna look like in 25 years.
Guys, this is my old band, The Assassins.
Yeah, old is right.
Hey, which one of you guys shot President Reagan? [laughter] Mommy and Daddy put you up to this? No.
Actually, this was all me.
I figured inviting them here today was cheaper than hiring a shrink.
And am I supposed to believe you had nothing to do with this, Cat? Gigi and I discussed the idea.
Yes.
But I pulled the trigger.
This is not about you guys.
This is about me.
I need to have a band that is not carrying around ancient history like a god damn chain gang.
Look.
It's not a total loss.
You guys can keep "So Many Miles," and you have Ava X.
That's right.
We still got Ava X.
Yeah, and one good song.
[chuckles] This is on you two.
If you hadn't started sleeping together, none of this shit would be happening to this band.
Mind your own business, bird face.
- No, he's right.
- Why is this [overlapping yelling] - Why's he right? - Because if you guys just kept your shit together Jesus Christ.
Enough! We have to rehearse.
Thank you.
Okay.
Thank you, guys.
Get off me.
[door slams] [sighs] Well how did that feel? Fan-[]-tastic.
Ohh, high five! Hey, can we jam now, or what? Absolutely.
[band begins playing] These maracas are not cursed.
They're cursed, Flash.
Okay? This is how a curse works.
You think everything's great and lucky and amazing, and then the next thing you know, you're sucked into Satan's vortex.
Well, we haven't turned to shit.
Still have your solo career.
Still have each other.
Ha! Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Me, you, and Jojo.
Whoo! I told you Jojo is out of my phone and out of my life forever.
What did I do to my life? What does that mean? It means I don't know how I feel, Flash, okay? I don't know how I feel.
Damn it.
Okay, I think that these maracas are cursed, so I'm gonna break the curse.
[gasps, coughs] - Oh, shit.
- Oh, God.
Are you okay? I got something in my eye.
Ugh.
Oh, let me see.
I think it's a piece of maraca.
Oh, God.
Hold still.
Hold still.
Hold okay.
Ow.
What is it? - [gags] - Why are you gagging? [gags] What is it? I think it's a little piece of bone.
Bone? Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
Oh, shit.
Oh! Ugh! I'm blind.
Help me.
[groans] - Stay down, girl.
- It's not a tooth, right? It's not a tooth in my eye? Come on.
Help me up.
I see that.
I thought you said you were blind.
In one eye, asshole.
[phone ringtone plays] I'm a sinner Gonna waste my life - Hey, Johnny.
What's up? - Hey.
Remember those jingle offers you ran by me a few weeks back? Yeah.
Right after the lupus song hit.
Yeah.
They still standing? Yeah.
I never even told them you said no.
I said you were busy writing a theme song for carpal tunnel syndrome.
Good man, Noah.
So, listen.
I've been talking to Cat, and I think I'm in on the jingles, man.
That's great.
What changed your mind? Let's just say I am prioritizing.
Good.
Not a moment too soon.
I actually have one agency that I know wants somebody to write a jingle for Grey Poupon mustard.
Dude.
You want me to write music about god damn mustard? You got to start somewhere, right? I'm not writing music about condiments, pal.
I'm too talented for that.
You've got to find something classier like Cadillac.
I saw a great ad they did.
It had great music behind it.
So call the Cadillac people.
Okay.
Well, Grey Poupon is the Cadillac of mustards.
Are you in or out? Grey Poupon Bring it on [laughs] Great.
So about your solo thing.
I have been keeping my eye out for a new band for you.
You know what? I think we're just gonna forget about the solo career and just focus on the jingles and Gigi for a while.
Oh, okay.
Those sound like really smart moves, man.
I'll call you back when I have some news.
- Okay.
- All right.
Bye.
Mm.
Priorities, baby.
That's the key.
[moans] [Lo Fidelity Allstars' "Somebody Needs You"] Somebody wants you Somebody needs you Together we can take it home Somebody wants you Somebody needs you Together we can take it home You guys sounded really great today.
Your lips, girl, they kill me Confuse me and fulfill me Your body's like a rope Come slip that knot around my throat Baby Watch me swoon Baby