Shameless US Episode Scripts

N/A - Swipe, F**k, Leave

1 This is what happens when you miss an episode of "Shameless.
" Your entire life goes completely to shit.
Anyone try to find me when I was in the ICU for the last month? We were kind of hoping you were dead.
[Fiona] You good? [Lip] I learned I'm not an alcoholic.
What about finishing college? - Is that off the table? - I got a professor.
Uh, he's gonna help me find something a tech startup.
It just might be a while before I get paid, you know? This management thing is a pain in my ass.
I'm losing money.
Tell you what.
Pay yourself an extra 50¢ an hour, make up the difference.
- An extra buck an hour.
- Done.
Nice stroller.
Where'd you get it? [Debbie] Oh, I found it in the park, I'm gonna sell it.
Dom won't go down on me 'cause I'm not circumcised.
It has all this extra skin, and it kind of freaks me out.
I can't feel a thing.
Sachs] Don't worry.
You will soon.
I'm meeting an old high school friend for dinner.
- [Ian] An old friend? - [Caleb] Denise.
Please tell me she has a dick.
You have no balance sheet, no income or cash flow forecast.
Our yield on gross revenues are shit.
Are we seriously not gonna have sex? 'Cause I kind of took a Viagra.
Oh, yeah, just walk right by, ignore your father that you tried to drown in the river.
I was only telling the truth! [Rock music] You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? [train rattling and screeching] - [pounding on door] - [Fiona] Come on, Frank! Open the damn door! [pounding continues] Come on, Frank! [pounding continues] Open the door.
[grunts] Hey, Hector? Hi, it's Fiona.
Oh, shit.
Hang on! Hi, you still there? Sorry.
Uh Can you work today? Santos called in sick again.
Yeah, I'm tired of his bullshit, too.
You can? Oh, that's great.
I'll see you at ten.
[sighs] I thought you were living at Caleb's? Caleb's sleeping with a chick.
- He's bi? - No dude is bi, all right? You lick dick, you're supposed to be gay.
So you guys broke up? Haven't decided yet.
God, I can't believe he's licking vag, too.
All right, can you guys please stop talking about licking vag? - You're gonna give me a boner.
- You sleep at all last night? No, if I wake up with morning wood, it'll pop my stitches.
You're 16.
How are you gonna not get wood for 72 hours? Eyes on the prize, my brother.
Yeah, which is? A blowie from Dominique.
The chick who made you cut your dick? Yeah, man, no girl's worth that.
She didn't make me.
I wanted to.
You guys just don't understand true love.
Uh, you know, it's pretty cold out there.
You better put on a turtleneck.
Oh, oh! Excuse you.
Oh, you got to forgive Carl, his manners were in his foreskin.
Uh, stop it! It just gives me the willies thinking about someone near my junk with a knife.
Where is my vacuum cleaner? - Upstairs probably.
- Kev, grab our cleaning shit.
What's all that crap? I'm helping Fiona with the bills over at Patsy's.
Place is in a financial shitstorm.
Yeah, the Alibi, too.
Svetlana's getting things in order, which makes me the house husband.
I keep forgetting about the weird situation you got going on with the two wives.
It's not weird.
It's modern.
You're gonna have to draw me a Venn diagram to explain how that works.
What's up with mopey? Ah, boy trouble.
Girl trouble.
I'll draw you a Venn diagram to explain that, too.
Where's my vacuum? What are you doing? Uh, vacuum, hall closet.
And I'm getting rid of Frank's shit.
That fuckhead's back in the house? Yeah, nailed the door shut from the inside.
- How's he getting in and out? - I don't know.
Window? Ladder? Get a restraining order on his ass.
That would mean that I cared.
And I don't anymore.
Aren't you angry with him about destroying your future? Did me a favor.
Come on, help me bring his crap downstairs.
Good morning, my wasted sperms.
Frank, you're walking.
In a weird way, but you're walking.
[Lip] Why don't you go away, Frank? Is that any way to greet your soon to be ex-father? Ex-father? We would be so lucky.
Filling out the paperwork to disinherit you abortion-should-have-beens.
Disinherit? Wow.
So we don't get that jelly jar? [Ian] Or the three pieces of silverware you stole from the Ramada Inn? Or the shame and the embarrassment? Go ahead, joke all you like.
But once my parental rights are terminated, you can no longer use the Gallagher family name.
Hallelujah! I'm just gonna be like Cher and go by Fiona.
Here's your shit.
I'm taking my room back.
And I'm padlocking the house.
Aw, you made me toast.
Buh-bye, got to go to work.
You can't get rid of me that easily.
Has she talked to anybody about what happened at the wedding? - Not to me.
- Me neither.
Tumors are repressed feelings, you know.
- Come on.
Liam, let's go.
- What? He's the only one that stands a fighting chance to become a real Gallagher.
- No fucking way! - Eh, you can't just take him, Frank.
Yes, I can.
I'm his father.
And he is staying in the will.
Aren't you? [smooches] [chuckles] Do you think, in his own way, Frank's actually a pretty good dad? No.
[Frank] Well, look who it is Beauty and the Beast.
I'll leave it to you two to figure out who's who.
Too bad you're walking again, Frank.
I was praying for permanent paralysis.
Where'd you get the stroller, Debs? The only thing Monica and I could afford to stroll you guys around in was a Kroger shopping cart.
Hey, give me that! It's not yours.
Well, apparently it's not yours either.
- Ugh.
- Maureen Wilson.
Looks like you already cleaned out the cash, Little Orphan Angry, so, uh I'll take the platinum.
You can't do that, Frank! Should I call Ms.
Wilson, let her know you found it? Fine, take it.
Careful, Liam.
I used to think Frank would be a real dad someday, too.
You and that little spic you sneezed out of the cavern you called your uterus better start looking for a new last name.
I'm disinheriting both of you and taking back the Gallagher name.
And while I'm at it, Franny's gonna go by her middle name from now on Harriet.
So she has no more connection to you.
Harry! Well, that's a perfect name for the diesel dyke she's gonna grow up to be someday.
Come on, kid.
We got work to do.
[Dom] Hey, Carl.
Hey, bunch of us are going to the movies tonight.
You want to come? I told you, I can't hang out with you for 72 hours.
Thought that meant we just couldn't fool around? Even just being in your vicinity gives me a boner.
[chuckles] That's so sweet.
Seriously, stop.
Hey, freak fuck! Heard you got a tranny operation.
I only told a couple of people.
Got your penis chopped off.
Now you're a lady.
Not that you were that far off to begin with.
See you around, Bruce Jenner.
Hey, Bruce Jenner was the dude, so fuck you guys.
Thanks for the compliment.
Don't listen to them.
Okay, I think you're manly for what you did.
And when the 72 hours and one second is over, I'm gonna loosen your belt, then take off your pants - No.
- Then your underwear.
No, no, stop.
- Then suck your lollipop.
- I'm serious.
Oh, fuck.
I thought you said I just couldn't go near you? Where are you going? We have class.
Doctor, clinic, now.
[Upbeat rock music] That's a burger well-done, with crispy fries, and a Denver omelet, extra ham.
And let me get you a refill on these sodas.
We'll get that cleared up for you in just a sec.
- You get my order on 14? - Oh, yeah, I did.
You're two hours late.
I called Melinda.
Said it wasn't busy.
So you figured you'd just come in whenever you felt like it? I had laundry to do.
Melinda was cool with it.
[scoffs] I'm glad you guys feel like you can just change my schedule whenever you want.
What Sean always let us do.
In case you haven't noticed, Sean's not here anymore.
- Excuse me.
- Yeah, that's too bad.
[woman] Game Change, please hold.
- Senior intern.
- Hey.
Nice to meet you.
All right, follow me, I'll show you around.
Uh, you can start by getting coffee for the Three Musketeers.
- Who? - The owners, Phillip.
- [gong sounds] - [man] Two million! [cheers and applause] This is, uh, Sarah, head of sales and marketing.
Black coffee, extra hot, splash of 2%.
Jesse, I buy ad space on your stupid network every Sunday.
Least you could do is cut me a deal for the playoffs.
Joe, brains behind the operation and the VC guy.
Raised the money to start this place.
- He okay? - Uh, new heated floors.
[Tito] He gets cold.
Green tea, steeped for three minutes, one Truvia.
Four double shots of espresso before noon, wears a new pair of socks every day, throws out the old ones.
You'll help him put them on.
He doesn't like to take the goggles off.
- Copy that.
- Uh Sign is self-explanatory.
Kitchen is yours, too.
There's a grocery list on the bulletin board.
- [woman] Three million! - [gong sounds] [man] All right! Whoo! [cheers and applause] Hey, uh, listen, you get paid, you know, being the senior intern? No, um, but last senior intern just got a job at Porsche marketing.
100 grand a year, was only here eight months, so But you can get started with the coffee and the tea.
- Yeah.
- All right? And, Phillip? Um get me an iced soy latte.
[PA beeps] [man over PA] Home and garden, line four.
Buenos días.
Frank Gallagher.
My son, Liam.
Looking for some workers to help with a home masonry project.
Pick three guys with a strong physique and a dumb disposition.
- You, you, you.
- [Frank chuckles] You make me proud, my one and only son.
Very proud.
Uh, the supplies I need.
[man over PA] Toby, report to hardware.
[John] Frank fucking Gallagher.
[laughs] You got money for once, Frank? Credit card.
And could I get a $400 cash advance on that card? And keep $100 for yourself.
Whatever you say, Mrs.
How come you didn't come home last night or answer my texts? Busy.
Care to elaborate? I don't know, ask Denise.
Is that what this is about? My high school girlfriend? Your high school girlfriend who you fuck.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you talking about? - I saw you with her last night.
- You're spying on me? Yeah, 'cause I knew you'd been cheating on me.
I wasn't cheating.
So you didn't fuck Denise, then? Cheating would be if I sucked some guy's cock, all right? - So you didn't sleep with her? - I didn't say that.
- Well, I'm confused.
- How do you think I feel? You're the one calling me a cheater.
You still haven't answered the question.
Did you or did you not fuck Denise? - What's the big deal? - What's the big deal? - She's an old friend.
- Who you fuck! We've been sleeping together since we were kids.
Don't make this into something more than it is.
You're taking your dick, you're putting it into a vagina.
And you're telling me you've never done that before? No, I haven't! - I'm gay.
- So am I! Sticking my dick in a friend's vagina doesn't make me not gay.
Are you hearing this, Raul? This is why I didn't want to tell you Because I didn't want you freaking out the way you are right now.
Oh, gee, sorry.
Hey, how should I react when you say you've been screwing a woman? I don't know.
Maybe by being more accepting of your partner's normal, sexually fluid experiences, maybe by sharing some of your own.
I don't have anything to share.
I'm gay, all right? 100% gay.
- No one's 100% anything.
- Yeah, well, I am, all right? So now this inexperienced vagina-fucker has got to get to work.
[man speaking indistinctly on PA] [siren blaring] Uh, you Trisha? I am.
It's brand-new.
How much did you want, again? Like I said in the ad, at the store, it's 2,500, but I can let it go for two.
How about 1,500? You're haggling with me? Isn't that what Craigslist is all about? It's also about people advertising baby stuff, and when the pregnant lady shows up, they cut the baby out of her stomach.
[Upbeat music] [Dr.
Sachs] You doing all right? You're sewing on my penis, you tell me.
You don't have a lot of undamaged skin left down here.
Yeah, because you chopped it all off.
I warned you this would be difficult.
It's harder than I thought to not get an erection.
You can get through this, son.
Just put your mind to it.
I literally think about sex 70,000 times a day.
Have to find other things to focus on.
Like what? Hairy balls can work.
Or your grandmother naked.
I've even had patients suggest to me that watching Ted Cruz on CSPAN is an effective measure for preventing an erection.
Okay, guys, here's your Snappy.
- Snap, snap, snap, snap, snap.
- [baby coos] Here's I don't know what this is, but you guys like it, and here's your tennis racket.
All right, you guys play.
Daddy's got to clean this place up, all right? Yevgeny, get that out of your mouth! What are you doing, man? You're gonna light yourself up like a Christmas tree.
How'd you get my phone? How'd you get my phone? Come on, now.
I got to move all these weights.
I got to clean this place up.
Okay, let me just take a break here for just a second.
You know what? I'm gonna use you as my weights.
- [baby laughs] - Don't worry, Gemma.
I'll use you in my next set.
- Whee! - Whee! - [baby laughs] - Whee! Shit, you are heavy.
[together] Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear Sherrie Happy birthday to you [cheers and applause] [metallic thud] [knocks lightly] Excuse me? I'm looking for Chad.
Is he around? Chad! Okay.
Thank you.
Actually, uh, sorry to bother you.
I work at Patsy's.
I wanted to let Chad know Where? Patsy's Pies.
Oh, yeah, the dump on Franklin.
You know it.
Uh, I've been filling in as manager.
I'd like to quit, go back to waiting tables.
That's fine.
Do whatever you want.
Are you allowed to say that? I mean, don't you have to run it by Chad first? [Chad] Red velvet.
I know it's not your favorite, boss, but Sherrie wanted it for her birthday.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Zoning board is on my ass.
Where is that, uh, environmental impact study for the redevelopment project? - Which one? - The west side.
I'll call Fitz, tell him we need it ASAP.
Oh, and this one.
She works at that shithole over on Franklin.
- Patsy's.
- Yeah, she wants to quit.
- You do? - Well, as manager.
I want to go back to waiting tables.
- We should just shut it down.
- What? Eh, it's just it's not worth the aggravation.
- Well, you can't close it.
- Why not? I depend upon it to feed my family.
You just quit.
That's the problem with having a family.
Well, I didn't think it would lead to you closing it.
Well, it's on its last legs, anyway.
We're planning on redeveloping that whole block.
You sure? Remember what happened to that chicken place over on LaSalle? Homeless guy started that kitchen fire to stay warm, burnt half the building down.
If I stayed on as manager, would you keep it open? Fine.
Just don't lose any money.
Well, the only way to do that is to fire people.
I mean, the old manager hired so many unreliable Did you hear what I said? Just keep it afloat.
[Upbeat music] Okay.
I'm gonna run with you today I'm gonna run with you Andale, gringos! Andale! I'm gonna run around with you Some other day I'm gonna run around with you Some today I'm gonna be with you today [music stops] Whoo.
Nice wheels.
Ah, thanks, I jacked it or it's one of my boss's cars.
Sent me to get it detailed.
[Ian] Looks pretty clean already.
[Lip] Yeah, I was thinking about just wiping it down, pocketing the 100 bucks.
I don't have a lot of time, so I ordered for you.
Sweet, thanks.
So what's up? You sounded pretty freaked.
I, uh confronted Caleb about that chick.
He's screwing her.
I guess there's something to be said for honesty, right? Except he says it's not cheating.
How'd he come up with that reasoning? Says if it were a guy, then he'd be cheating.
I guess that kind of sort of makes sense.
I'd rather have my girlfriend sleeping with other chicks than some dude.
- You ever fuck a guy before? - Fuck, no.
'Cause you're 100% straight, right? Absolutely.
Yeah, well, Caleb's trying to argue that no one's 100% anything.
It's cheater's logic.
Ever think about experimenting? With a dude? No.
Think it makes you less worldly or some shit? Why? Are you thinking about experimenting with a chick? No.
I don't know, maybe.
[chuckles] So what would you do, right? You're with this chick, bombshell chick, you're fooling around, you know? Look down, you realize a guy had joined.
He's sucking your dick.
How far along am I? - So you're like 93% straight.
- It's like 96% straight.
All right.
"Help wanted"? Yeah, I got to cover the mornings when you need to do your laundry, right? Girl, you got a target on your back.
You're the bitch who told me to stay home this morning.
[scoffs] Let's make things a little easier for us this time, Harry.
[camera shutter clicking] We'll steal the stroller someone wants instead of finding someone who wants the stroller we have.
[cell phone clicking] And now we wait and see what happens, Harry.
[indistinct chatter] [cell phone chimes] Holy shit, Harry, we got an email already.
It's for the Bugaboo stroller.
Hello, Melanie? Hi, you contacted me about the Baby Bugaboo? Yes, it's still here I mean available.
Uh, just one sec.
Hi, sorry.
Um where are you coming from? Great, I'm not too far from you.
Why don't we meet at the, uh, Trader Joe's on Ontario? Great, I'll see you there in 30 minutes.
[indistinct chatter] Excuse me? I saw the "help wanted" sign at the window.
Can I leave my résumé with you? - Uh-huh.
- Thanks.
[giggles] Oh, fu Son of a bitch! Chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga, choo.
[children giggling] Hully gully, hully gully, hully gully, goo Hully gully, hully gully Hey, Hully Gully, I just cleaned that floor, man.
[child giggling] Man, what're you laughing at? Again with my clean floor.
Here we go.
Oh! No, you didn't.
No, you didn't! Ah, screw this.
Food fight! Animal crackers, flying in! - Oh! - [laughs] Oh! [child giggles] Work looks good, gentlemen.
Fiona's gonna be mad.
Mm, tough titties.
Gallagher and Son would like to thank you for your efficiency.
Uno momento.
[whispers] This is where we lowball the illegals.
They got nothing over us after the work is done.
Here we go, as promised, $50 each.
You said 100.
How about we make it 75, and I won't have you deported? - [bag thuds] - How about we make it 100, and we won't murder you and the little brown boy in your sleep? You've jogged my memory.
It it was $100 each.
I was in a coma.
I-I was in the hospital.
I was in a coma.
I get [mumbling indistinctly] Lucky you caught me.
Was about to go home.
I don't feel so lucky right now.
I can barely find any skin you haven't torn to sew back together.
Jesus! I did the best I could.
[sighs] Put on your pants.
If it happens again, you're gonna be in trouble.
I may have no choice but to turn that thing into a vagina.
Hairy balls, son.
Hairy balls.
You got restaurant experience? I've been waiting tables since I was 13.
- Any felony convictions? - Nope.
Are you working right now? The place I was at, Pelloni's, closed down.
Uh, it's being turned into a Urban Outfitters.
The owner here wanted to close this place down, too, but she's giving me a shot to turn it around.
Sounds cool.
That is just the kind of enthusiasm that I'm looking for.
- When can you start? - As soon as you want me to.
That's great.
It's minimum wage, plus shared tips.
See you tomorrow at noon for training.
Thank you so much, Miss Gallagher.
- Hey, Olga? - [Olga] Yeah? You're fired.
You can't fire me.
I'm the only woman of color, and I will sue your ass.
[Didi] Excuse me, where's the manager? Hi, I saw your "help wanted" sign.
You're hired.
Come back tomorrow at noon for training.
Thank you.
[Mellow rock music] [Dr.
Sachs] Hairy balls, son.
Hairy balls.
[Latin rap music] [Man rapping in Spanish] [woman moaning] [woman continues moaning] You're making me so wet.
Here, feel.
Yeah, it's like a rainforest, like a Slip'N Slide.
[laughing] Yeah.
Lick my pussy.
[both moaning] Mm-hmm.
[moaning] Oh, God! I could come right now! [gasping] I'm not gonna.
Come up here.
[gasps] Come up here.
I want to come with you inside me.
- Whenever you're ready, okay? - Oh, okay.
- I'll do that.
- [moaning and gasping] [Ted Cruz on television] Good morning.
[crowd] Good morning.
God bless CPAC.
[cheers and applause] We are at the edge of a cliff.
- [door rattles and thuds] - Liberty is under assault.
Why are you watching this crap? To not get a boner.
Is it working? So far.
Is your penis doing okay? [sighs] It's all right.
[Ted Cruz] Each and every one of you is gonna be audited by the IRS.
All right, I'm gonna go take a shower.
No, you're not.
Huh? Go take a look for yourself.
- Frank? - I assume so.
- The other side, too? - Yep.
[Ted Cruz] During the Super Bowl, there's not a smidgen of corruption with the IRS [indistinct chatter] - Hey, V.
- Hey.
Hey, can I get a beer and a water? Thank you.
Starting to remind me of him.
Lip! Hey, buddy, hey.
- [Frank] Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Going on? Don't be talking to strangers, son.
Frank, Liam can't be in here.
Drinking age in my country is four and a half.
[Kermit] That half really makes a difference.
Fine, he can stay.
But no booze, and we charge the same for sodas Ah, extra - For sodas.
- [Frank] Oh.
Don't be corrupting my son with your interracial, bisexual funny business.
[Veronica] What do you want, Frank? [Frank] Two Cokes.
Never thought I'd hear that come out of your mouth.
Well, being a good role model for my progeny is an important job, Kermit, unlike the bad influences he's had up to this point.
Hey, buddy, hi.
You doing okay? - I'm having fun with Frank.
- Well, of course you are.
Well, if you need anything, you know how to call, yeah? Mm-hmm.
All right.
Hey, want to have some real fun tonight? What do you say you and me get some female company for tonight? You can have your pick of the litter.
Now, the important criteria to look for is who's DTF, who's holding weed or coke, and who makes your wee-wee tingle.
Now go get the one you want.
[women laughing] [women laughing] Oh, it's a tiny dude! - Whoa! - [women laughing] I've got a date.
[giggling] - [Frank] A lovely choice.
- [giggles] - Hello.
- Hello.
Care to join us, Dollface? Sure.
[Lip] Dude, it's really not that bad.
How do you deal with it The taste and the folds and the slime? What, uh, cheese dick and a throat full of spooge, that's better? Give me a beer.
[chuckles] [gargles] God! Man, if I sucked some guy's dick, I wouldn't be half as dramatic as you're being right now.
You're a better man than I.
You at least feel more worldly? Not at all.
I think it had steam coming off of it.
Should I just get you the Drano, then? If I knew I could gargle it, dude, without dying, I'd say yes.
You are 100% gay.
I have PTSD.
[chuckling] [indistinct chatter, laughter] [Veronica] It's all over my boobs, too.
What the hell happened here? [Svetlana] Did we get robbed? - Kev.
- Wake up.
[Veronica] Hey.
Hey, sexy.
Hey, beautiful.
- What is going on? - This place is a disaster.
You were supposed to clean today.
Oh, sorry, I know.
I got too busy, but we had a great day.
Oh, my Did you know Gemma can climb up on the couch all by herself? Your only job was to clean today.
Really? I thought I was supposed to keep the kids alive, too.
We were at work all day, busting our butts.
Yeah, all we ask is to come home to a clean house.
I was working all day, too.
Doing what, having a food fight? - Did you even shower? - Make us dinner? Oh, my God, I'm not a maid.
Why are you two riding my ass? Because you sat on that ass all day doing nothing.
Oh, that's exactly what I did today.
[chuckles] I did a heaping shit pile of absolutely nothing! - Uh, $328 - Are you kidding - [slurred mumbling] - No, wait, no, no! Come on, not the front door.
We have a special entrance.
[Upbeat music] [Frank] Whoa! [woman] Got a plan? Yeah, of course there's a plan.
[Frank] Oh, shit.
- Let's just - Okay.
It's quite all right I feel like - Ladies first.
- Okay.
Oh, boy.
- I'll give you a boost.
- Okay.
- Liam, come on.
- [laughing] Okay.
- Don't fall, okay? - Okay.
Are you sure this thing is safe? - Well, we'll find out soon.
- Okay.
Liam, grab my ankles.
All right, all right, all right Hello, hello [Frank] Okay.
Oh, yeah.
Thank you.
[woman laughing] [Frank] Jesus.
Hello [Frank] Whoa.
[woman] Frank, I'm sorry.
[both laughing] [Ian snoring] Holy shit.
I had no idea our floor was so slanted.
Ugh, it'd be nice to have a toothbrush and a change of clothes.
Yeah, I need a shower.
My ass is numb from this chair.
This couch is pretty comfy.
Still not mad at Frank, huh? I refuse to let him have any of my energy.
- Dibs on the kitchen bathroom! - Oh! [Ian] Oh, shit, you [Fiona yelps] - Shit! - [groans] We got to get upstairs.
Yeah, we can throw a stink bomb up there if Liam weren't with him.
Put bars up on the window.
[Fiona] Do you guys think we can set fire to the top floor of the house? - Hurry up in there! - I'm using the sink.
Holy shit.
Dude, that is a mangled mess.
- Oh, my God.
- Ugh, fuck.
[Ian] It's all bloody and raw, man.
You shouldn't have gotten that stupid circumcision, man.
All right, well, I did, and there's nothing I can do about it now, so fuck you guys.
I already feel like enough of a freak being the only Gallagher who's not circumcised.
Thanks for making me feel worse about it.
What the hell? [Band of Skulls' "Back of Beyond" playing] [upbeat rock music] Hey, kids.
See those ladies over there? They're gonna help us clean the house so we can spend more time playing together.
[camera shutter clicks] Eh, what the hell? All at once all the time The nitty-gritty get The sweetest taste Yeah.
[Ian] Main's off, and the outside spigot's open.
All right, hand me the hacksaw.
Let's see how long he lasts up there without water.
This is so fun, Harry.
We have such a great life now.
Double stroller? We could get a lot for that.
I've seen the good gone bad I've seen the right go wrong From the middle of the city To the back of beyond Pretty soon we'll be able to start saving up for college.
- [baby crying] - Oh, no, it's okay.
You don't have to go to college if you don't want to, Harry.
[baby continues crying] Shit! [baby continues crying] If you wanna sing Well, I got a song From the middle of the city To the back of beyond I say yeah [Frank groans] That smell could knock a buzzard off a gut wagon.
Hey, Dollface, we got to hose you down.
You're riper than a fat boy in a clown costume.
- Hey! - I'm sorry.
[giggles] Liam coffee on the hot plate.
[pipes grinding] Oh, God damn it.
I I hope it was recently flushed.
Two raptors circling the nest.
[keys clacking] [exhales] Nest is secured.
[Bluesy rock music] What's in the box? New uniforms.
- Oh, those are so cute! - Oh, hell, no.
- I am not exposing my legs.
- Oh, come on.
You'll make more tips.
Nobody sees my spider veins except my gyno and the neighbor with the binoculars.
Don't have to work here anymore.
Bunch of us are going to Melody Lounge after work.
- You should come.
- Is that a club? It'll be fun.
I don't have a change of clothes.
- Of course you do.
- Yeah, right.
[giggles] Come on, you look fine.
Hey, bring Lip, too.
[inhales, exhales deeply] You know, the Feds showed up at my internship today.
Yeah, took a couple of servers.
What for? No idea.
But those nerds are richer than balls.
I texted Caleb.
Told him to meet me at the loft after work.
Gonna compare vagina stories? That's exactly what we're gonna do.
There's Carl.
Carl Gallagher, please approach the ambulance.
Gonna need you to speed up, Carl.
[Funky music] [knocking at door] I'm coming! - [knocking continues] - Shh! Gonna wake up the damn babies.
You must be from the topless-maid company.
You're quick.
- Can I come in? - Yes.
Let me show you around.
As you can see, the place is a mess.
I'm gonna need you to do the laundry, wash the dishes, clean the floors, vacuum, and dust the furniture.
Sound good? Okay! Wow.
This is happening.
Those are spectacular.
It's amazing how you stuffed them in there and now they're out in all their glory.
[indistinct radio chatter] What's happening to me? We gave you a jumbo dose of Thorazine.
My brain feels like cotton candy.
And that's the way you're gonna feel for the next 72 hours.
No way you get a boner on that shit.
Don't have to think about hairy balls anymore.
[laughing] What? You guys are the best.
[sighs] Wendy, don't get me wrong.
I like what's going on here, but are you gonna be doing any cleaning today? Cleaning? You didn't bring any Lysol or or ammonia or a mop or anything.
You thought a topless maid service actually did cleaning? Yes.
That's cute.
My services are à la carte.
Pick what you like.
- Mop and glow.
- That's one of my specialties.
I'm sure it is.
- Pipe cleaning.
- Old dudes like that one.
[inhales sharply] Brazilian floor wax.
That's not what you think it is.
I have no idea what I think that is.
Sham wow? [Caleb] Hey, you finally decided to come home.
Did you trick me into having sex with a woman? What? So that you wouldn't feel bad about what you did? Look, what are you talking about? You made me feel like a freak 'cause I'm only gay.
How you feel is on you.
I slept with some random chick 'cause of you.
I didn't force you to do anything.
I can still taste her hairspray and her pubes and her vagisitis.
You obviously picked the wrong woman.
Don't turn this around on me.
You're the weirdo, all right? Not me.
Because I like to have sex with women once in a while? - It's not normal.
- It's very normal.
Not if you're gay, it's not.
It's disgusting.
Then don't do it anymore.
And it's a turnoff.
Me? I'm the turnoff? You sleep with women yeah.
Then why are we even going out? I keep asking myself the same thing.
- Judgmental much? - Vagina-fucker much? When did you become such a baby? When did you become such a bisexual? So that's it, then.
Yeah, I guess so.
- Have a nice life.
- Already am.
[aerosol hissing and rattling] Kevin, what are you doing? I got a great idea for a business.
- [Svetlana] Where are babies? - Sleeping.
- Monitor.
- Is the house clean? That is a great question, which is directly related to my new business plan.
- So, no? - You are correct.
The topless maid that I hired was more of an escort - You hired a topless maid? - Did you have sex with her? Of course not.
What else did you think a topless-maid service did, Kev? I was focused on the maid part and not the topless part, which gave me this idea.
[Upbeat music] - Nooks and Fannies? - Yes.
We are gonna start a maid service that is not only topless but also cleans; we'll corner the market.
You expect me to clean someone else's house? Don't have to.
That's the genius part.
You two are the boobs of the operation.
She's gonna do the cleaning.
[dance music playing] I think these girls just invited me so I'd bring you.
Hey! Oh.
He's he's cute.
Wait, wait, wait.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
- Hi, Lip.
- Hey, hi.
[giggles] What are you drinking? Uh, beer.
You want something, girl? Uh, a change of clothes.
You guys look great.
Have a shot.
It'll make you feel sexier.
Uh, two Stellas and three shots of Jager, on my tab.
I saw you checking me out during my interview.
That obvious? But I liked it.
- Oh.
- Thanks.
Cheers, boss.
Ugh! - Let's dance.
- Yeah.
[clears throat] Just so you know I have a kid and a stupid ex-boyfriend, so I'm not looking for anything serious.
Yeah, well, uh, I just got expelled from college and did 30 days in rehab, so Then we're a perfect match.
- Hey.
- Yeah.
[laughs] Is that Ariel's boyfriend? No.
She just met him on Tinder.
Going to the bathroom to bang.
- [scoffs] - You on Tinder? - Uh-uh.
- Mm.
Not into the meaningless, random hookup? Uh, no, I'm more of a "one dysfunctional relationship into another" kind of girl.
- I'm taking a break.
- This is why you need Tinder.
Give me your phone.
You're a hot piece of ass.
You should be boning on the regs.
- Let's get you a picture.
- I don't know.
[camera shutter clicking] They always seem to get attached.
Or maybe that's me.
You bragging about your golden vagina? No, more like my golden ability to pick liars.
Then don't talk to them.
Just swipe, fuck, leave.
You already have three matches.
And Luke is at the bar across the street, ready to rumble.
[thud] [raccoon hisses] What the fuck? Everybody, wake up.
- What's going on? - That! [Ian] No! Oh.
Oh! Oh, shit! Fuck.
Don't say Papa never gave you a pet.
[cackling] - [both] Hey.
- [raccoon chitters] Ugh! [laughs] V! V! Where are you? - Ah, V! - [door opens] - Hi.
- What the hell are you doing? - Can V come out and play? - It's 2 a.
My kids, my husband and wife are sleeping.
[laughing] You know that that sounds weird, right? You're drunk.
And fucked.
I just Tinder-fucked this guy.
His name is, like, a J or an L or some other letter.
I don't care.
Careless, mindless sex has set me free.
Tell me more about it tomorrow.
This guy was doing this What the fuck? Did you just close the door in my face? [train rattling and screeching] - I found a pickax.
- What the hell you doing? - Looking for demolition tools.
- Fiona? - There's a shovel in here.
- She's asleep.
[shovel clatters] [Veronica] It's me! Hey, I brought you some coffee.
I figured you might be hungover.
I am.
What time is it? Not as early as you ringing my doorbell last night.
- Huh? - Don't "huh" me.
[groans] - Yo, Fi.
- Huh? Pickax, sledgehammer.
[groans] I'll see you upstairs.
[sighs] I'll be up in a minute.
We're getting rid of Frank.
[footsteps ascending stairs] [groans] Ow.
Who was this random guy you hooked up with last night? Key word in that sentence is "random.
" I don't know.
Why you sleeping with random dudes, anyway? Why am I not hooking up with random dudes? Some sort of rebound thing from Sean? [scoffs] I'd have to care for it to be a Sean-rebound thing.
You said the same thing about Frank.
Having a rebound thing with Frank? No, dummy.
You seriously think that I give a fuck about Sean or Frank? It's been weeks, and you haven't talked at all about what happened on your wedding day.
'Cause there's nothing to talk about so I'm not gonna talk about it ever.
Hey, hey, there's a fire And it's running, coming in here [grunts] Hey Hey, hey, there's a fire And it's running, coming in here Look, it's harder than I thought.
- Hey - Hey, hey, now Hey, hey, now Hey, hey, now Hey, hey, now Hey, hey, now [grunts loudly] Hey, hey, now [grunting loudly] - [pounding continues] - What the fuck? Hey, hey, now Hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, now Things are burning up Aah! [Carl and Dom] Five, four, three, two, one.
[boing sound effect plays on cell phone] [rock music] Okay, well, the 72 hours is up.