Snatch (2017) Episode Scripts

N/A - Fly Away You Nutters

1 What's the skinny on the truck heist? The street went dark on that one.
Bob Fink was here yesterday.
He didn't find the gold though.
I moved it to Father John's.
So, what's the price to keep my commodity safe and sound? That depends on the value of the commodity.
I need something, um unexpected.
- A bathtub.
- A solid gold bathtub.
- So, can you do it? Make a gold bathtub? - I'll give it a crack.
Albert Hill! You've been a naughty boy! Lily Hill, I am arresting you on possessing prohibited weapons.
- (Albert) We need to get out of town.
- My family's place - in the country.
- I hope it's comfy, Charlie, 'cause we might be there a while.
(woman) When the gold free-for-all was declared in the summer of '01, everyone knew it was gonna get a little naughty.
(horn honking) Oi, love, move out the way! But no one was prepared for the rank slaughter that followed.
- (gunshot) - It played out like a gangland's who's who kicking off with the Topper Clan.
But the gold wouldn't keep quiet.
And the Worthington Crew heard the whispers.
And by the time the leaves started falling, so did the Toppers.
Jury's still out on who ironed out the Worthington Crew.
Maybe the Harriston Yardies.
Maybe the Maripole Ladies.
Makes no once who did what and when? They're all history now.
The gold changed hands over a dozen times as whole gangs were wiped from the map.
All for a lump of metal.
(machine gun fire) No! Although I've never known a curse that could out-muscle that most basic of all human instincts greed.
(theme song playing) (sirens wailing) (man) Does he have the stones, the diamonds? Where are you taking the diamonds?! (laughing) (Chloe) Wow.
(gasping) (Billy whistles) Cousin Monty was a pimp! (Charlie) Well, actually, an Earl to be precise.
If your Cousin is an Earl, what does that make you? Uh, well, nothing more than the cousin of an Earl.
(chuckles) Your money or your life, scum! (Billy) Oh, shit.
Oh, God! This is spectacular, Charlie.
Would you like a tour, Chloe? I'd love one.
(Charlie chuckles) Oi, Charlie boy! Where's the booze? Uh, yeah, the, uh Head east through the parlor.
The wine cellar is through an oak door down some stairs.
Pick a full-bodied red.
The dustier the bottle the better.
Got it, mate.
(both laughing) Are you not forgetting something?! Like a 10 million pound gold bathtub in the back of the van! (chatter) (Screw) 312! Cell 313! Death, taxes, and count.
The only certainties in life.
And I intend to defy all three.
Cell 314? We're right here, Screw, exactly where you left us.
Piece of shit.
- What now? - Go and have a fag.
(Vic sighs) Spread the word, Hate 'Em.
The Mad Hatters Tea Party will commence tomorrow.
We'll take the whole wing down the rabbit hole, Vic.
(chuckling) Who'd shoot a clergyman? (Teri) Father John wasn't exactly a saint.
Gotta rap sheet longer than the New Testament.
(Peters) Witness says they were negotiating with a bunch of sheikhs over what looked like a gold bath.
A gold bath? Anything else? (Peters) Yeah, he's given us a name.
Bob Fink.
Mrs.
Hill, possessing an unlicensed firearm is a very serious offense.
So is planting evidence.
I'll be taking my phone call now if you don't mind.
Come on, Lil, have a look around.
There's no mics, no cameras.
Just a chat.
I can make all of this go away.
You can make a fake charge go away? Oh, forgive me while I hold the applause.
Have you any idea just how much shit your boy and his mates are in? I mean, there's enough naughty on this list to give Santa a stroke.
He goes away, it'll make his old man's stretch look like a weekend in Margate! All I want is a word with Albert.
Straighten up this mess.
Do a deal.
Keep everyone happy.
Can't you see I'm trying to throw you a line here? I want my phone call.
Call your boy.
I'm calling my lawyer.
I'll give you some more time to consider my proposition.
And finally, this is the master bedroom.
(Chloe gasps) Oh, Charlie (Charlie chuckles) This is beautiful.
Yeah, well, uh Sleep here if you like.
No No, I really couldn't.
Could I? - Call shotgun.
- Shotgun! (both laughing) Wow.
Uh, yeah, well, I'm, I'm gonna go to (sniffles) light the fire.
Come down to the library when you've finished spinning.
I said no cup, no broke No coffee, no dash wey (Albert) Tell you what, I could get used to this, Charlie.
Certainly in no rush to leave.
Well, it's too hot to go home now anyway, isn't it? (Charlie) Yeah, well, it's been a rough week.
I say we get absolutely hammered.
Whoa! Think we can help with that.
(Chloe) Whoo! (all laughing) - Cheers.
- Cheers.
(Chloe) Whoo! No matter how much coal you shovel In the mouth of your child These furnaces still want more These furnaces still want more They come in fleets and in droves With puritanical votes These furnaces still want more These furnaces still want more Into the abyss With the rope's tied 'round your wrists You're the last illusionist But you don't know it And this is junkyard love On the scrapheap of lust Keep the furnace burning Lest we turn into rust Hungry little bird's in the nest Except they're fracking for the shale gas These furnaces never know when to quit These furnaces never keep the oil slick So you'll spark up another cigar Rev the engine on your bulletproof car These furnaces still want more These furnaces still want more Oh, into the abyss With the ropes tied 'round your wrists (Hate 'Em All Henry) Fun and games today, boys?! Fun and games, today! (prisoner) Matinee movie, Hate 'Em?! Special features, chaps.
And you don't want to miss it.
(indistinct chatter) Hey.
Someone's messing with the tea, over there.
(door shuts) In the office now.
(indistinct chatter) He's put some shit in there, I don't know what.
Sounds like they spiked the tea urns.
Check the damn milk.
- (buzzing) - All inmates! Return to your cells immediately! I repeat, all inmates return to your cells immediately! (footsteps approaching) (coughing) I need a coffee Yeah, I need two coffees.
I'm starving.
Yeah, Charlie, where's the food? (agitated) There is no food.
I told you, no one's been here in over two years.
All right, keep your toys in your pram.
Is there a market nearby? Nearest village is (calmly) about two miles away.
- Fancy a drive? - I could do with some air.
Yeah, you can take Cousin Monty's car.
It's in the barn.
(Chloe) Oh, Cousin Monty - really is a pimp! - (Lotti) Yes, he is.
(car starts) (Chloe) So, seeing as we are both in this together, maybe we should get to know each other a little.
What, ask a few questions and then we get friendship bracelets? (lighter clinks) Do me a favor.
You smoke? See, you're getting to know me already.
Alright, I'll play.
What's a pretty girl from New York doing working for a fence like Saul Gold? Well, I went traveling for a year.
I always wanted to go to London.
So, I ended up waitressing at a coffee shop to pay my way.
Saul walked in.
Took a flyer off the counter on anger management and offered me a job.
Said he was doing one good deed a day.
Adventure comes to the adventurous, right? So, I took him up on his offer.
What's the real story, ay? We're out of wood.
We need to go and chop some logs.
(Albert) Chop some logs? How do we do that? With an ax, you idiot.
Who you calling an idiot? Well, there is only one person here who doesn't know how to chop logs.
Have I done something to offend you, Charlie? Do you know how to chop logs? (Billy) Yeah, with an ax you idiot.
I had a very normal life.
Decent parents, did well at school.
Never wanted for anything really.
It was a middle class life with no real struggles at all.
Ooh, sounds really boring.
It was boring beyond belief.
I hated my life.
It was like a slow death.
And what do your parents think about you working for a fence? They think I'm studying accounting at the London School of Economics.
(Lotti snickers) I forged my graduation certificate and sent it home last month.
(Lotti laughs) You're alright, Chloe Koen.
(Billy) So, what are we gonna do about this gold bath? That was a bright idea wasn't it.
Actually, it was a very good idea.
Just not one your bird's had.
Well, first of all, Charlie, she ain't my bird.
And secondly, she's the one who put us onto the gold in the first place.
Actually, technically, she put us onto Sonny Castillo's truck.
We happened upon that gold.
And forget who has and hasn't done what.
We gotta think about what we're gonna do with it now.
Oh, yeah, what are we gonna do now, Maestro? Hole up in the country and set up a commune? (Albert) I'm thinking on my feet here, aren't I? More like sleeping on your feet.
What has gotten into you? (Billy) He thinks you're putting moves on her.
Putting the moves on who? Chloe.
I am not putting the moves on Chloe! (Lotti) So what's the deal with you and Albert then? Me and Albert?! Nothing, it is just business.
(Lotti laughs) You want to bang him.
I do not want to bang him.
I can see what's going on.
Hushed conversations, cuddles on the sofa.
You put your arm around her.
Tread carefully.
The posh one's got a hard-on for you.
Charlie? You are properly paranoid here, Charlie.
He he's probably obsessed.
I'm not obsessed! I'm in love! No, he he's just really so sweet.
(birds chirping) (both laughing) Charlie! (laughing continues) (coughing) You've known the girl for five minutes! There is no time, space or motion in the matter of the heart! But not that you would know that, Billy, 'cause yours is carved out of solid oak.
You're damn straight.
Ain't nothing in those fairy tales for me, mate.
You couldn't leave this one alone, could you? - Me? - What chance would I have anyway? When Albert Hill rode into town on his stallion With his spurs jangling and his six shooter glistening in the high sun.
Just this one time! Just one bloody time.
Charlie? Charlie! (Lily, through door) I want my bloody phone call! Who's that one? Lily Hill.
- Oh, Vic Hill's wife.
- Yeah.
Bob Fink brought her in.
Fink brought her in? On what charge? Possession of illegal firearms.
Left her in there all night.
- He charge her yet? - Not yet.
(distant phone ringing) (Albert) What was all that about? What, are we still 14 fighting over girls? (Billy) What you asking me for? Apparently I've got a heart of wooden oak.
Something bothering you too, now, is it? (log splits) Well This whole thing has been one cock up to the next, ain't it, really? Oh, okay, so this is all my fault, is it? Losing the fight? The Castillo heist.
Father John getting ironed out.
Bob Fink coming after us.
The gold bath tub.
Listen, I apologize if my efforts haven't quite gone to plan.
But I haven't seen you trying to get us ahead over the years, Billy.
In case you want to know, I look after everyone.
Well, maybe I don't want to get ahead.
Maybe I'm alright where I am.
Billy, you live in a closet.
What's your excuse? You're a talented fighter and you don't even train.
You could have a run at going pro.
And who says I want a run at going pro, huh? (log splits) That was always your idea.
Yeah, well, one of us has got to be ambitious, haven't we? That's not what this is about, Al.
What it is about then, Billy, ay, tell me? It's about you and your old man, always has been.
You trying to prove to him and everyone else that you can get one up on him.
That you can live up to the Hill name.
My old man's got nothing to do with this.
Oh come on, Al.
Heisting an armored truck with a forklift? Ooh, that's straight out of Vic Hill's handbook.
Boiler suits? JCB's Masks? That's Vic Hill 2.
0.
You might wanna take a look in the mirror mate.
Dailies, boys! As Hate 'Em said, it's gonna be a mindbender.
What's the problem here, gents? What's the problem? Hoochin' the tea, you scumbag.
Hoochin' what tea? What you talkin' about? Come on, come here, you! (Smudger) Get off me! Come on, stop struggling.
Like he said boys, Crossword's a mindbender.
And you don't wanna miss it.
(bell rings) - All in.
- All in.
(laughing) Hill! Get in there! Full lockdown.
Haven't had my morning cuppa yet.
Your scheme to mass medicate the wing has been brought to my attention.
I haven't a clue what you're jabbering on about.
A little bird whispered the milk's off.
Where is that filthy midnight grass? I'll fuckin' shit him! You won't see him again.
Transferred for loyal service.
Dump the whole lot, lads! Oi! No morning tea? That's a breach of our human rights, wouldn't you say? Now both of you, back in your kennel.
I want my brew, and I want my paper now.
Now! I do believe this prisoner's become unruly.
Never too early for a screw bashing, now, is it, Screw, ay? Oi, Vic, you don't wanna go back in the hole.
(Rat Screw) These two were set to boil up the wing! A kicking's the least they deserve.
You behave yourself.
Listen We need them out of here quick and quiet.
We don't want them stirring up the mob.
Stick 'em over in Barmy Wing.
Spot of potion and they're someone else's problem.
I ain't going back to Loony bin.
I ain't going back to Loony bin, no way, no way, no way! (loud crunch) (Screw screams) (screaming and grunting throughout) Vic! Vic! (indistinct shouting) - I'll kill you.
- Everyone take 'em out! Out! Take 'em to the Barmy wing! (prison doctor) Mr.
Hill, you were due to be out soon.
But now you're due to receive another 18 months for assaulting a member of the prison staff.
Why jeopardize your release? Screw deserved more than he got.
But surely you want to get out of here? Oh, yeah, and miss all this good fun? So, Henry, um, looking at your folder It's "Hate 'Em.
" Hate 'Em All Henry.
Hate 'Em All Henry.
Do you have reservations for what life holds on the outside? I've been locked up for 15 years.
I wouldn't know where to get a reservation.
(laughing) Anger management issues.
Aggressive and violent tendencies.
When did it start, Henry? Uh, Have It All, uh, what Hate All Uh, Hate 'Em All.
Shut up.
Are you scared, Vic? Scared what those expectations might be? As a husband as a father? Terrified.
I miss my birds.
I need you to speak to the Guv'nor and ask him to give me my birds back.
What, what birds exactly are, uh, are you talking about? Well, Mr.
Hill, so far as I can gauge, you've experienced extreme anxiety relating to your imminent release.
We call it gate fever.
Sounds contagious.
And you use humor to deflect the anxiety, particularly relating to the expectations put upon you by your wife and son.
I'm Vic Hill.
I've had my fair share of hard knocks.
I've been down on the mat more times than I can count, but I have never been licked by expectations.
What birds? What you mean what birds? I, I, I think I'm gonna give you a small dose - You what? - Help! Mr.
Hill, I am going to give you a small dose Ahh! Give me the drugs, give me the drugs, give me the drugs, give me the drugs Ahh! (shouting) Well done Why don't you get a job Even Tarquin has a job Mary Berry's got a job So why don't you get a job? Well done Why don't you win a medal? Even Tarquin wins a medal Mary Berry's got a medal So why don't you get a medal? Well done I want to bite my nose off (screaming) To spite my face Give us them keys.
I'd rather bite my nose off To spite my face Why don't you get a degree? Even Tarquin has a degree - Young doctor - Mary Berry's got a degree Are you still there? No, oh! Oh, no! Hold still, hold still.
There you go.
- Mary Berry loves reggae - Ah, lovely.
You'll be asleep in about five seconds.
Good night.
Why don't you watch football? Yeah, Hate 'Em All.
And don't forget it.
So why don't you watch football? Well done I'd rather cut my nose off (loud whistle) To spite my face White chocolate.
My favorite.
Dailies, boys! Crossword's a mindbender.
Like he said, boys, crossword's a mindbender.
And you don't wanna miss it.
(sighs) Let's get ourselves out.
Come on.
(coughs) (screams) (keys jangling) (laughing) Fly! Fly free, you nutters! Fly free, you nutters! (shouting) I want you wrapped around me like a snake You knew I was trouble you knew I was trouble I want your kisses all over my face You knew I was trouble you knew I was trouble (alarm buzzing) I want you down on your knees You knew I was trouble you knew I was trouble (laughing) You can call me anything that you please Ah ah But don't you call me sweetheart Sweetheart If you look for trouble then trouble you will find If you look for trouble then trouble you will find If you look for trouble then trouble you will find If you look for trouble then trouble you will find If you look for trouble then trouble you will find If you look for trouble then trouble you will find If you look for trouble trouble you will find If you look for trouble trouble you will find (alert buzzing, inmates screaming) Hey, come here.
(sirens wailing) Coming through, doctors, coming through.
Doctors coming through.
(helicopter whirring) Injured officer! Injured officer.
Injured officer! Injured officer, coming through! Injured officer, injured officer.
- Are you all right? - Injured officer.
- Are you okay? - Yes, yes.
Wonderful, wonderful.
- Oh, that's very yes.
- Oh, oh, oh.
Vic, you drive.
Injured officer, injured officer.
If you look for trouble trouble you will find If you look for trouble trouble you will find You did it.
(laughing) What the hell? Bloody hooligans.
Scooter? Scooter?! Come on, boy.
Where are you, boy? Scooter?! (gun clicks) (whimpers) Good boy.
What are you doing, ay? Good boy.
Flying Squad.
Dwyer.
(line ringing) (phone ringing) Chief Superintendent Jones.
A horse got out of the paddock this afternoon, sir.
Vic Hill escaped.
Took a guard hostage and staged a riot.
Vic Hill Well, it's par for the course.
He's as mad as a box of frogs.
Sir, the very man who hijacked the gold bullion in the first place is now walking the pavement at the precise moment that same gold bullion has staged its comeback tour.
Interesting timing, I'll say you that.
Interesting timing.
It's Vic Bloody Hill.
The gold has been on the streets for seven days.
And you have how many leads, exactly? We don't have a solid lead as of yet, sir, but Then I suggest You focus your attention on finding and locating Hill.
He may be more effective at locating the gold than your entire unit, Dwyer.
And Dwyer? Sir? Screw this up, and I'll put you over my knee and take my pound of flesh.
Understood, sir.
(engine starting, revving) (shaver buzzing) (shaver clatters) Hello, fellas.
(sighs) What have got here, then? Nice touch, good boy.
There's one in there for you, too, Vic.
Oh, great, thanks.
So, what's the crack now then? Well, by now they'll think we're taking you hostage 'cause we made sure the knife was good and clear on the cameras.
When you go down to the nick, tell 'em we played nice, all right? Will do.
Don't you worry.
I'll spin a nice yarn for you boys, all right? Good boy.
And this is just to make it look real.
(grunting) Bloody 'ell.
That's twice you clocked me now.
Don't worry, you'll thank us for it.
Early retirement, all the trimmings! (chuckling) What are you doing? What are you doing? (muffled cries) (Vic) Wrap him up, wrap him up.
(laughing) It may have all changed around here, Vic.
Some things never change, Hate 'Em.
What happened here then? Probably vandals.
This would never have happened on our watch.
(door rattles) Lily?! I could murder a pint now.
Yeah, you read my mind, Dear.
- (shop bell rings) - Morning, morning.
Well, hey! (snoring) Let's have him.
Hands up in the air! This is a robbery! (all chuckling) Afternoon, Alf.
Everything in order? Vic Hill! Hate 'Em All Henry! (laughing) When did you two get out? Oh, about 37 minutes ago.
Ah, I take it not out the front door? As a matter of fact, we did.
Through the front door, Alf.
Oh, I get you, less said, right.
Okay, drinks.
Thought you wouldn't ask, Alf.
Uh, two pints for me.
Vic, what you having? Uh single malt.
The good stuff mind.
All right.
No-no-no-no.
This is on the house, gents.
Very kind of you, Alf, thank you.
So, what's new in the manor? Yeah, what's not? Everyone's disappeared.
They're either in the ground or inside.
What about the crew that flipped that security truck? Any word on the metal? Uh, it's a mystery.
Not so much as a whisper.
- Not a whisper.
- No, nothing.
- Quiet as a mouse.
- I thought you two would know.
Nothing to do with us.
(Lotti) You all right, Albert? Yeah, I'm all right.
It's quite something, isn't it? You reckon it'll change anything? I think what will change anything? Selling the gold, all that money? Yeah.
We'll be rich.
And that matters does it? Honestly I've got no idea.
I've never really had a bean.
Me neither.
There is a simple answer, though.
Which is? Well, we sell the gold, get the money and find out.
That's the most sense I've heard all day.
(Chloe) Charlie? What's wrong? (panting) Me.
I'm what's wrong.
(Chloe sighs) Do you take me seriously, Chloe? Of course I take you seriously, Charlie.
No, I, I mean in that way? Oh, well, I We haven't Sorry, that was not fair of me to ask.
- Boss.
- Oi.
Lily Hill, what cell is she in? Well, she's gone, sir.
There's nothing on the charge sheet.
I had to let her go this afternoon.
Go where? Who signed her release? Flying Squad.
(Vic) Lily.
(birds chirping) You keep an eye out front.
If the plod show up send me a smoke signal.
Don't you worry, Vic, I've got you covered.
If I'm not back in half an hour Run free, Lassie.
Run free.
(distant dog barking) (lock rattling) (lock turns) (clock ticking) Lily? Whoo.
Let's eat, guys.
(silverware clanking) (Lotti) Well? We didn't cook all this bloody food for it to go cold.
Okay.
(clinking glass) Toast.
Yeah, here's to you and here's to me.
The very best that friends can be.
And if we ever disagree Well, piss off and here's to me.
Okay.
Well, it's in the most difficult times that we learn who our true friends are.
Whether we've known each other for ten days or ten years.
There's one absolute truth.
Despite all of us feeling this excruciatingly painful shit shock of the last 48 hours.
There's nowhere I'd rather be then right here, drinking this really, really nice wine at Cousin Monty's with all of you.
To friends.
Friends.
Yeah.
(Lotti) To friends.
(Billy) Friends.
Now tuck in.
(cell phone sounding) Shit! - What? - It's my mum.
She's been arrested.
(door opens) So, you coming or what? Seems like you and Chloe got it covered.
- I'll stay out the way.
- Charlie, we don't have time for this.
- Please get in the van.
- No.
I'm gonna stay here for a day or two.
Clear the mind.
You're getting this all wrong, mate.
- Let's go.
- Charlie not coming? Apparently not.
(Lotti) What are we gonna do about that thing? We're gonna take it back to Uncle Dean.
It's too risky to take back into town.
Tell the sheikh we're gonna need a new buyer.
He's gonna have to re-smelt it.
(engine starts) (woman) Guinness up.
You gonna eat that or what? All yours, Hate 'Em.
Lovely.
How'd she leave without her purse? Hmm? Well, there's, uh Some unsavory characters out there, Vic.
Mmm None of whom seem to remember who we are.
Need a place to hole up, Hate 'Em.
Who do we know that would welcome us into their loving embrace, hmm? A bit more vino? No, thank you, Norm.
That was amazing, thank you.
(chuckling) Don't sound so surprised.
When you've lived on your tod for as long as I have, takeaways and TV dinners lose their appeal.
Anybody in the mix, Norman? Now, that's a nice thought Lil, but I think that boat's sailed.
Nah And to be honest, I haven't really been looking.
Why not? Why do you think, Lil? Oh, Norman Norman, please don't look at me like that.
Lily, it's time you knew how I feel about (knocking on door) (Lily chuckling) Expecting visitors? No.
(Vic) Ahh! Blimey! What are you doing here? (indistinct conversation) (Hate 'Em) We broke out.
- (Norman) You broke out? - Nice to see you, yeah.
(Norman) It's good to see you, Vic, but, you know, I've really It's not a very good time.
(Vic) Oh, you sly old fox.
Who you hiding in the boudoir?! - No, no, it's just - Hello? Come on out, darling! (clock ticking)