Stuck in the Middle (2016) Episode Scripts

Stuck Dancing with My Dad

1 Here's what I'm thinking.
This Saturday, sister time, Harvard Square.
Food, fun, that shoe store that you love.
- Stop.
I know when I'm being played.
- What Spin Mom and Dad as much as I do, you get a real ear for it.
It's like learning a different language, except way more useful.
Wow, I call you out and you throw a fit.
Classic diva reality TV move.
I like it.
No.
I'm showing you my latest invention.
Presenting The Floor Finder.
In any family with kids, there's always a ton of stuff on the floor.
Picking it all up is endless.
This makes it easy, and fun.
See? I call it the Floor Finder because it finds the floor.
I'm not driving you to Boston so you can suck bulky trash off Harvard Square.
No.
You know that super rich investor guy, Troy Havana? He's gonna be there.
If I can show him the Floor Finder, this thing could go national.
I can think of 20 things I'd rather do than drive you.
Oh, just thought of another 20.
Okay then.
I'm going to have to use this.
- No! - Wanna see that again? RACHEL: No! Still not seeing anything, are you? I just played a Diaz card.
It might be made out of thin air, but in this family, that's as good as written in stone.
It guarantees the holder one favor, with no right of refusal.
I got this one six months ago.
I see you sneaking out.
Or do I? We're going to have to get an early start on Saturday.
- 8:00 a.
m.
- Noon? 8:00 a.
m.
it is.
I had that six months.
I'm using it.
I didn't love having to give up a Diaz card, but it's worth it, because once Troy Havana sees my invention (thunk) Oops.
That was a gold brick.
Hey, hey, hey, hey Sometimes it feels like things are outta control Like you're living in a circus Tryin' to figure out your way in the world Where you're at is kinda perfect So turn it up, turn it up Do your thing, don't stop Let the games begin, let's jump right in I wanna get stuck with you In the middle of the party We're just getting started I wanna get stuck with you In the eye of the tornado, rowin' in the same boat I wanna get stuck with you Get stuck in the middle with you I wanna get stuck with you Look what I dug out of the hall closet.
You went into the hall closet? Are you okay? More than okay.
With Mom and Georgie at the tournament, and Rachel driving Miss Daphne to dance class, for the first time in eight years, I am free to go golfing with my buddies.
Don't look at me like that.
I have buddies.
I hate to do this, but I'm afraid Rachel will be driving Miss Harley to Harvard Square.
When did I give you a Diaz card? No, hon, I just checked.
It's definitely your turn to take the kids to the dentist.
I don't make the rules.
I just live by them.
I guess golf can wait another eight years.
And for the record, I really do have buddies.
So this kid, A.
J.
Borrello, had the nerve to give a report called "One hundred things you can do with jelly.
" Can you believe? I can't believe I haven't learned not to ask how your day was.
Last week, when A.
J.
said mustard was better than mayo, we let it slide.
But this this is too much.
Why should jelly be celebrated when peanut butter isn't getting the respect it deserves? Peanut butter is the hero of that sandwich.
Jelly's just the sidekick.
Yeah, they don't call it jelly and peanut butter, do they? Sounds like A.
J.
Borrello might.
Not for long.
We're doing our own report.
"One hundred and one things you can do with peanut butter.
" You want in on PB-no-J? No, I do not need to be on a team that's mostly known for sticking to the roof of your mouth.
Say what you want about us, but we will not have you disrespecting our friend peanut butter.
Oh, that goes on our list.
Friend.
One down, 100 to go.
I thought you had an appointment at Troy Havana's office, not a lame meet-and-greet at some food truck.
This isn't just any food truck.
Pizza in a cone is the hottest craze since the last idea somebody brought Troy hats for cats.
Who would eat pizza in a cone? It's basically a funnel for sauce to land on your pants.
Line's moving.
Sorry.
You're mad now, but you're going to want one of these.
Floor Finder.
Look for it on The Shopping Channel in about a month.
Hey, friends! Thanks for coming.
That's him.
That's Troy Havana.
Quick, make this look like your living room.
Sorry, got to run.
Big meeting across town.
I know you were all hoping for a photo, but don't worry, I won't let you down.
Mr.
Havana, wait! I wanna show you Here you go.
Oh, uh and here's a yo-yo for your trouble.
That Troy guy is a real jerk.
How can he leave after two minutes? He did get all these people to show up at his store.
Sometimes people in business don't play nice.
Like Troy Havana always says, "It's called business, not bus-nice.
" Ugh, just suck me up in that thing and let this be over.
Well, it's not the freshest use for peanut butter, but it is a classic.
Make sandwich.
Now we just have 99 uses to go.
Rachel uses avocado for her face mask.
- How does your face feel? - Chunky.
Peanut butter does make you look dumb.
Didn't think of that one.
Rachel uses cucumbers on her eyes.
Maybe we should use crackers.
I wonder what else crackers can do.
One list at a time.
Why is there peanut butter all over the doorknob? Well, you don't hear it squeak anymore, do you? Right, and this is so much less annoying than a squeaky doorknob.
You know, I really wish peanut butter could get rid of complaining.
- All this work is making me hungry.
- Me, too.
There's gotta be another way to get to Troy Havana.
Oh, good.
I was afraid I was gonna have to go three minutes without hearing that name.
Hm.
He's going to be on Dancing With My Dad.
(gasps) I love that show.
Seems a little beneath him.
The man put hats on cats.
They're doing a special where celebrities dance against regular people.
It's called "Pros Versus Schmoes.
" And it's filming in Boston.
You're driving me to Boston.
- You don't have a card to play.
- Yeah, I know.
But you love the show.
I figured if I sold the slap, you'd let it go.
You're right, I'm in.
But because you think you know me so well, I'm thinking of going out.
But after strong consideration, you'll still stay in.
When you know me, you know me.
Guess who had fun at dance class.
Dad brought the heat so hard, we got to stand in front.
From now on, I'm telling Mom class is cancelled so Fancy Feet can take me.
I don't believe in signs, but Daphne just walked in literally dancing with my dad.
That's not a sign; that's a billboard.
Your mother signed up for the parent dance at the next recital, so I had to fill in.
You guys need to share this talent with the world.
Dancing With My Dad is doing a show in Boston.
Open auditions are tomorrow.
Done.
My face was made for TV.
I'm gonna go tell Deathnee.
Let's take it back a sec.
Me dancing on TV? Sorry, no.
Come on, you'd be great.
And then I could show my invention to Troy Havana.
He's already on the show.
You shouldn't bother celebrities.
Your football hero Brady Rice is also on the show.
Brady Rice? The man who caught 17 touchdowns his rookie year? The reason I wanted to name the twins Brady and Rice, that Brady Rice? - Yeah, too bad - I'll do it.
And I won't ask him to sign more than two things; that would be rude.
Maybe four things.
You know what, let's not put a cap on it.
I might be on TV.
You're not dancing, they are.
Yeah, but they always show the family of the dancers performing.
And I have amazing watching faces.
Concerned.
Relieved.
"We won" face! So good.
We better be using that one.
I don't know what my face is going to be doing, but my body's gonna be all like I am so nervous.
How's my hair? Is my breath okay? I need gum.
Dad, relax.
It's just an audition.
I am talking about meeting Brady Rice.
Where can a man find a stick of gum? Brady's not here.
It's called "Pros Versus Schmoes.
" He's a pro, this audition is for schmoes.
Couldn't they call it "Pros Versus Joes"? That's a lot less hurtful.
You can stay if you want, but That's right, you saw it.
Sorry.
I'm still trying to find the perfect color dress that makes me pop on TV.
I've narrowed it down to red, green, purple, yellow or blue.
So Dad and Daphne need to stay away from those.
Because brown and orange are so festive? I just hope they get on the show.
Otherwise I'm going to have to figure out a way to get invited to Troy's seventh wedding in Borneo.
Daphne better hold still right here.
She's making people cry.
Not the kids, the dads.
Don't ask how to samba if you don't wanna know.
Listen up, people, I'm gonna give you some intel.
If you wanna get picked for the show, it's not just about the dancing.
The judges wanna see a close, happy family.
Someone people can root for.
You guys are the best.
I couldn't ask for a better family.
Oh, we're up.
Wish us luck.
We don't need luck.
We got me.
Keep up.
Whatever happens, I will always be proud of you guys.
You guys are my world.
Careful.
You're gonna end up in the weirdo montage.
What happened to my hair gel? We replaced it with peanut butter.
Great hold, and a scent that will attract the ladies.
And the squirrels.
What's taking them so long? I hope Dad didn't go rogue and do the electric slide.
TOM: We made it! I'm so happy, I could dance.
But I only do that when the camera's on.
Yay! What the Delicious igloo.
The containers are the "igs," and the peanut butter is the "glue.
" Use number 64.
I'm starting to think 101 uses is too few.
I want to thank all the little people Deathnee, the doll with one arm, the doll with no head, the bear whose fur I shaved off.
Sorry to interrupt.
You want to sneak in some practice? I am practicing my victory speech.
I'll help you practice, but just so you know, my go-to is Thank you, thank you.
For all you little girls out there, whose dream is to dance, I'm coming for you.
Thirty minutes until I dance in front of a national audience.
Dad, relax.
You're gonna be great.
Thanks to you for helping me rehearse.
Daphne was too busy working on her after-show interview.
(imitating Daphne) "I just want to stop and take a moment to be real.
I was awesome out there.
" It was fun, and hey, I couldn't let you look bad in front of Brady Rice.
I'm glad you talked me into this, Harls.
Golfing with my buddies would've been fun, but nothing can beat dancing with my daughters.
This is so exciting.
There are more stars here than at last year's "Studs Versus Duds" edition.
I've gotta find Troy Havana.
I just hope he's here.
His daughter better not be dancing with his cardboard standee.
Hey, let's go check out that food table and get a refill.
Yeah, we're running on empty.
Hey, look.
It's Brady Rice.
Don't embarrass yourself, Dad.
Way to go.
You played it cool.
See? I'm not as much of a schmo as people think.
You better have a spare shirt, 'cause I'm not touching that.
Oh.
- Did someone hear an opportunity? - Excuse me? You're probably wondering what this is on my back, right? No.
I'm wondering why you're in my way.
In any family with kids, there's always a ton of stuff on the floor.
Picking it all up is endless.
This makes it easy, and fun.
Somebody get this man a water.
I think there could be a real future here.
Great invention.
Can-do backstory about you sneaking in here to show it to me.
Actually, I'm here with my dad and my sister.
They're also on the show tonight.
Oh, so that's your family? I saw them earlier.
Fantastic dance moves.
Big, close family.
That's a winning combination.
The judges love that kind of thing.
Yeah, my sister Rachel says that's key.
She's the one over there practicing her faces.
That's her "ooh, I hope he doesn't drop her.
" Harley, I'll make you a deal.
I'll fund your invention and make you gobs of money.
- Just one thing.
- Anything.
You name it.
Get your family to drop out of the competition.
Something else? Wait.
You want me to get my dad and my sister to drop out.
Two problems.
My dad and my sister.
They're my only competition.
I came to win.
Why else would I be here? To meet Brady Rice? I own his team.
You want to win by making other people quit? That's not very nice.
Nice? I didn't get to where I am by being nice.
Look, kid, you play this right, and in a few months, your vacuum gizmo will be in stores nationwide.
So what do you think? (cheering) MAN: Five minutes to show time.
I think you're nothing like I thought you would be.
There's no way I'm asking my family to drop out, especially after how hard they've been practicing.
Well, my dad anyway.
You know how much money you're throwing away? It's like Harley Diaz always says.
Having to choose between family and business, is no choice at all.
That's cute.
Dumb but cute.
You just made the biggest mistake of your life.
So I told him I didn't care how much money I was giving up, 'cause I couldn't ask you guys to drop out.
Wow, Harls, I am really proud of you for taking the high road.
Did he say how much money specifically? That jerk thinks he can buy whatever he wants.
Go out there and step-step-kick his butt.
Hello.
That's what I do.
(crashing sound) DAPHNE: I slipped.
That's use number 100 for peanut butter.
Making Troy Havana slip and fall.
Nobody treats our sister like that.
Looks like you sprained your ankle.
We're sorry, Daphne.
We didn't mean for it to happen to you.
This is our fault.
Don't blame peanut butter.
Now you've got no deal, and your family won't dance anyway.
- You should've taken my offer.
- I don't want it.
I can't believe it.
He's going to end up winning.
He's not going to win.
Someone else can dance with Dad.
Who? - You.
You know all the moves.
- Yeah.
You can totally do it.
As long as you don't wear pink or possibly purple.
That's my back-up outfit.
I don't know how good I'll be.
It doesn't matter.
The only thing I wanted to do tonight was dance with my daughter.
Now go get my favorite thing in the world.
The winner's trophy? Revenge.
Now get to wardrobe.
ANNOUNCER: Stellar performance by Team Havana.
They're gonna be tough to beat with a score of 38.
You're gonna dance? That's right, she is.
This schmoe's got more than one talented daughter.
Good luck.
We just got 38 out of 40.
Pretty great, right, Savannah? She hates me.
I don't know why.
Maybe because you named her Savannah Havana.
Oh, and you know, the pure evil thing.
Whatever.
I don't have to find the dance floor.
I own it.
And I'm talking about the dance, and I actually own this building as well.
ANNOUNCER: Please welcome to the stage Harley Diaz, dancing with her dad Tom.
With 39 points, Team Diaz takes the lead.
Yes, but there's still a few teams that have to go.
- We didn't win yet.
- We beat Troy.
That's all the win I need.
Considering I went there to sell a cleaning device, I'll take second place for dancing.
I'm just happy Brady won.
That guy's the king.
HARLEY: Maybe someone else will want to bankroll the Floor Finder.
I mean, Troy Havana's not the only investor out there.
Oh, and Harley, I had such a blast doing the show, I have something for you.
Hold out your hand.
A Diaz card? For what? If you didn't play yours, I never would've gone to dance class with Daphne, and none of this would've happened.
Thanks, Dad.
And here's one from me.
Thanks to you, I got to go backstage at my favorite TV show.
Let's see what magic you can work with this one.
Actually, you got enough.
We're good.
(laughing)