Sullivan and Son (2012) s03e02 Episode Script
Everybody Loved Frank
You guys ever seen Cirque du Soleil? Isn't that the show with the acrobats and the contortionists and stuff? Yeah, there's a show just like it coming to Atlantic City, except for this one's all girls and it's topless! There's a girl that can pedal a unicycle with her breasts.
I love breasts! I love unicycles! We've got to go see this.
Let's go.
Road trip to Atlantic city.
Who's in? - I'm in.
- I'm in.
I can't remember the last time we spent a weekend together outside of Pittsburgh.
Me neither.
That'd be awesome.
Actually it was freshman year of high school.
We had to go to Ohio to take Owen to get those corrective shoes.
Thanks again, guys.
Now I walk like all the other boys.
This trip is gonna cost 300 bucks.
I don't have $300.
Hey, Roy, can I borrow it from you? I was gonna borrow it from you.
You guys don't have 300 bucks? You're grown men.
Losers! Hey, mom, can I get an advance on my allowance? Big request from Mr.
Forgets to erase his browser history.
How about we put all our money together.
What do we got? - Nobody has a bill? - Man, this is sad.
Yeah, you don't even have enough to get me to show you my breasts.
Hey, Steve.
Can you come? Oh, I'd love to, but I I got so much going on here.
You know, responsibilities.
Oh, wait.
You don't know.
Hi, could I get you something.
I can't believe I'm in Sullivan & son.
We get that a lot.
I'm Ellen Frank's wife.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
I-I wish I was here on a happier occasion.
I I have some sad news.
Frank died.
I'm sorry to hear that.
That's terrible.
Who the hell is Frank? I want to buy everyone a round of shots in Frank's honor.
Oh.
Uh, to Frank! To Frank! He loved this place, and he felt so close to you all.
He used to say that you were like a second family.
Well, that's the way we felt about him.
Anybody? The guy was probably in here one time.
He came in here almost every night for 10 years.
Wait a minute.
I know who it is.
It's that bald guy who wears the big red jacket.
Swing and a miss! da da da da, da da da, da, da da da, da da da, da da da da da da da, da da da, da da da da da da da, da da da, da da da, da da da, hey! Come on.
Somebody's got to know this Frank guy.
Yeah.
How about you, Carol? You sure you don't know him? Well, you'd think I would know him, right? I mean, he meets all of my criteria.
He's a guy, and he's been in this bar.
Frank.
Frank Sinatra.
Frankie Valli.
Frankie Muniz.
Frankie Muniz? The kid actor? Well, I went to his birthday party.
I forgot to bring a present.
He was an animal.
No Webster, but hey.
Here's to a great man.
To Frank.
To Frank! Mm.
Is there a a certain place that he loved to sit that I could take a picture of? Yes.
Yes.
He loved sitting in this general area.
Should I tell her? No! Steve, the poor woman's already in enough pain.
Only a monster would tell her.
I'll tell her right now.
Stop being such a nice guy.
Yes, it's going to hurt her.
It's going to be awkward.
But you just have to rip the band-aid off.
Really? You start with one little lie because you don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, and it always comes back to bite you in the ass.
You're right, mom.
That's the way to go.
Uh, Ellen, there's something I need to tell you.
I know.
It's Frank's bar tab.
I got it.
He was a very successful businessman, and he left me very well off.
So just tell me what he owed you.
$9,000.
No problem.
I'll write a check.
What are you doing? I'm helping her, Steve.
This is how rich people grieve They write checks.
What happened to ripping off the band-aid.
We'll rip it off as soon as the check clears.
Mom, I'm not doing this.
I can't take your check.
Frank was very special to us, so, uh, we'll take care of his bar tab.
Oh, that's so sweet of you.
Well, at least let me take care of his friends' bar tab.
How much do they owe? $9,000.
Oh.
Okay.
E-Ellen, we all appreciate the gesture, but, uh, I-I'm just not comfortable taking money from you.
I can see why Frank loved this place, especially you, Jimmy.
Well, actually my name "Jimmy this, Jimmy that," so many stories.
You meant the world to him, Jimmy.
That's embarrassing.
I've been calling him Steve for years.
You are so soft! Like a little puffy jelly doughnut.
You've been like this since you were a kid.
Oh, oh, great.
We're revisiting childhood memories? Should I lock myself in a hot car while you get your nails done? There was water in the sippy cup.
You know, I was thinking.
Frank had so many happy memories here at Sullivan & son.
It would mean the world to me if we could have his memorial service here.
H-how much would that be? $9,000.
Again, it would be our honor to have it here, free of charge.
Oh, thanks, Jimmy.
You know, Frank is looking down on us right now and smiling.
You owe me 9,000 bucks, Jimmy.
It's driving me crazy that we can't figure out who this Frank guy was.
I know.
We're here every night.
We would have met him.
I got it.
I got it.
Frank was the fat guy with the black glasses.
Yep, that's it.
Stri-I-I-ke two! We've got to get to Atlantic city.
And they're topless! Hey, Ellen.
What's all this? Jimmy, you have been so kind to me.
I wanted to thank you somehow.
So I thought you could use two flat-screen tvs.
Think of it as a gift from me and Frank.
Well, that's completely not necessary, but, uh But thank you.
And thank you.
We sell these at the store.
This is 3 grand right there.
This lady's got real money.
You thinking what I'm thinking? Build a space ship out of the boxes.
No, she's loaded, and she wants to do nice stuff for Frank's friends.
So maybe if we can show her how close we were to Frank, she'll pay for us to go to Atlantic City.
Whoa-ho.
Broke out the old kilt, huh, Hank? Yep.
Weddings and funerals It's my go-to attire.
I'm itching a little bit, though.
Oh, that's the wool in the kilt.
No, no, no, no.
I man-scaped.
There were 50 shades of gray on the bathroom floor.
I'm gonna make Atlantic City happen right now.
Mm-hmm.
Hi, I'm Owen.
Frank used to call me "oh-ee," "oh-man," "oh-ster," "oh-dog," anything that started with "o".
That dude was oh-mazing.
He was.
I never knew my father.
Oh.
It's sad.
I know.
I always saw Frank as the dad I never had.
That's so wonderful.
Can I hold daddy one more time? What's that dad? You want us to scatter your ashes all over Atlantic city? I mean, I guess I could.
What's going on? I'm scraping the labels off this Mexican champagne I bought in bulk.
I'm going to slap on a fancy label and sell her the good stuff.
I don't want her to see "two-peso pepe.
" Uh, hi.
I'm Roy, Frank's black friend.
Oh, nice to meet you.
Yeah, we used to hang out, me and him.
They called us cookies and cream.
Oh, that's really nice.
Yeah.
We'd be at the bar enjoying our beers responsibly And he talked about all the places he had traveled.
Of course, I couldn't partake in that conversation, being a black man of limited means.
So he promised that he would show me the world Pis, Morocco, Atlantic city.
You've got plenty of time.
Did I mention I have lupus? O.
I still can't figure out who this Frank is? It's becoming unnerving.
Ye, and we're getting to that age where people from group are starting to get fitted for angel wings.
We've got to live every moment like it was the last.
Hank, is this one of your "get drunk and kiss me" moments? - You enjoyed it the last time.
- Oh, Hank.
That wasn't me.
Well, then, who did I kiss? Me.
And you never called, you dick.
You know, something occurred to me.
You guys werso close with Frank.
How about and I'm not sure where I'm getting this idea That you take our private jet and go to Atlantic City? You're the coolest widow ever.
I have never been on a private jet.
And you know why? Because you can't rap and you have a relationship with your father.
Stay in a fancy hotel, go see a show, I'll even give you some money for gambling.
We can't tell you how much this means to us.
W-we're gonna sit here and reflect on just how special Frank was.
Thank you.
I'll be back in an hour.
Yeah! Yes! Has anyone figured out who Frank was? I think I've got it.
I think it was that guy with the blotchy skin who was too fat for his clothes, always sweating, zero personality.
It's eczema.
My name is Howard.
And I'm fat because of the prednisone I take because I have cancer.
So I'm sorry if I'm not the belle of the ball! What a colossal asshole.
You know, I'll bet Frank's widow will pay for us to bring a date to Atlantic City.
You got to get one first.
Way ahead of you.
Check it out Single female at 2:00.
He'll be throwing up in her mouth at 2:02.
Hi.
I'm Ahmed.
What brings you to Sullivan & son? That was faster than normal.
Well, nice talking to you.
No, no.
No, it's okay.
Ha! I'm fine.
My name is Lilly.
I'm here for the memorial.
- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah.
She stopped crying.
For Ahmed, that's like getting to second base.
She let him sit down.
For Ahmed, that's like getting laid.
I lost a very dear friend.
His name was Frank.
Did you know him? Well, he bought me a couple shots once.
Oh.
How did you know him? We had a 10-year affair.
We were using this place as our cover.
He told his wife he was coming here, but he was actually with me.
So you're single? Too soon.
Of course.
Guess what Frank was doing for those 10 years he told his wife he was here? He was banging her.
I'm starting to really like this Frank fella.
I can't help but feel insulted.
I mean, I'm a sexy, attractive woman.
Frank could have picked me.
Why did he have to choose her? Because Frank was never here.
I wasn't looking for an answer.
That's it.
A widow and a mistress in the same room There's no way we're having this memorial here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's not be hasty.
This lady wants to fly us on a private jet to Atlantic City.
Steve, we don't have much in our lives.
For God sake, don't take that away from us.
It's not your call, Steve.
This is bigger than you now.
You take my jet and my boobs, there's room for two in that urn.
I don't care.
I should have listened to my mom from the very beginning.
I'm telling Frank's wife the truth.
No, you're not! I've got that widow spending a fortune.
This is the biggest party we've ever had.
You think this is a moneymaking opportunity? Hello! Do you remember what is written on my grandmother's headstone? "Ride those suckers for all they're worth.
" It rhymes in Korean.
You want to know what's on my grandfather's? What? Nothing.
We sold his body for a new roof.
But I feel horrible.
She should know the truth.
It's too late for the truth.
All you're going to do is cause her pain.
I remember when your sister was a little girl.
She looked at me with big sad eyes and asked, "do you love me as much as Steve?" Children don't want to know that their parents have a favorite, so you lie to them.
You say, "yes, Susan.
I love you just as much.
" Is she gone? - Yes, mom.
- Good.
I was running out of ways to sugarcoat it.
What should I do, dad? Well, the way I see it, on the one hand, your friends are counting on this trip to Atlantic City.
And on the other hand, in order for them to get it, you got to not tell a grieving widow the truth.
Good luck.
My shift is over.
Uh, Ellen.
So we should probably get started.
Yes, we should.
Thank you, Jimmy.
Very wise decision, Jimmy.
Uh, everyone, if you want to please take your seats.
This is the bill for the memorial.
You'll notice there's no charge next to the pretzels.
Our way of saying "sorry for your loss.
" All right, well, take the card.
Whatever it costs, uh, this one's unlimited.
I accept the challenge.
Thank you all for coming.
You know, Frank had a name he used to call this place, and I think we all know it.
So let's look to the heavens and say it together.
One, two, three Yes.
Sully's.
Well, I could go on and on about Frank, but I would like someone here to say a few words.
In some ways, he knew Frank better than I did.
His best friend, Jimmy.
She's talking to you.
Thanks for doing this.
I know that whatever you're gonna say is gonna mean a lot to everybody.
Well, I'm sure.
Oh, and remember to tell about the fishing story.
The fishing story? Yeah, when you went fishing.
You know, with the clown and the goat and the Vespa.
That was hilarious.
Tell it.
Welcome, everyone, to the celebration of the life of Frank Frank.
We all knew him as Frank.
Frank was a great guy.
He was always smiling, shining, knowing you could always count on him For sure.
In good times, in bad times, he'll be on our side forever more.
That's what friends are for.
Isn't that the aids song? You know, there are so many great stories about Frank.
I just don't know which one to tell.
So why don't we all just take a moment and remember our favorite Frank story? Mine's the fishing story! Tell it! You tell it! Yes, Jimmy! You must go on! We all want to hear the fishing story.
What are you doing? Tell the damn story! There is no fishing story! There never was a fishing story because I didn't know Frank.
No one in this bar knew Frank.
The whole thing was a lie so he could use the bar as a cover for his affair.
What? An affair? With me.
Awkward.
Ellen, I should have been honest with you from the beginning, but I was trying to spare your feelings because Because my mom wanted to sell you Mexican champagne and my friends wanted a free trip out of you.
So I went along for the ride.
Why would you do that? Because I'm a nice guy.
I'm starting to think that you're a sociopath, Jimmy.
My name is Steve.
And a little schizophrenic.
- So you're the other woman? - Yeah.
So every night when he said he was here, - he was actually with you? - Yeah.
- It's nice to meet you! - yeah? Yeah.
I'm sorry you had to find out like this.
Oh, don't be.
Oh.
Frank and I drifted apart years ago.
The physical attraction was gone, and I felt guilty about it.
Oh.
So, thank you for giving him so many years of happiness.
You're welcome.
Oh, sorry.
That was just a knee-jerk reaction.
Well, I was gonna send these liars to Atlantic City.
- But why don't you and I go? Or maybe Europe? - Okay.
Well, do you have anything going on for the next month? Not since Frank died.
Let's get out of this shit hole.
Yeah.
Uh, wait.
I think you're forgetting something.
What am I supposed to do with Frank? We need a new tip jar.
You know what? That guy didn't even deserve a memorial.
He was a scumbag cheater.
Yeah, can you imagine lying to your wife for 10 years? I mean, it's one thing if you get drunk and have a one-night stand.
- That's a different story.
- What are you talking about? A one-night stand is still cheating.
I said "a drunken one-night stand.
" There's just a big difference between a 10-year lie and one little mistake.
You don't put a penis in a woman's vagina by mistake.
Oh, this is just too easy.
I'm walking away.
It's just these things are not always clear-cut.
Yes, it is.
There's no difference between a 10-year affair, a one-night stand, or kissing somebody else when you're in a relationship.
It's all the same.
It's all cheating.
Next thing you're gonna tell me is that looking at somebody else is cheating.
It is if it lasts more than three seconds.
You're insecure.
What? Just because I'm a girl, I'm insecure? Give me a break.
Where are you going? To serve a drink.
You coming back? Hey, I'm, uh, sorry I screwed up your trip to Atlantic city.
It's okay, Steve.
It wouldn't have been a real guys' weekend without you.
Yeah, besides, this isn't so bad.
We get to spend the weekend together here and watch these big tvs.
Hey, guys.
Who wants to go to Mars? You did the worst thing a son could do to a mother.
You cost me money.
If your great-uncle who we sold for a pair of Air Jordans was still alive, he would tell me to disown you.
I know.
You were right.
If I just ripped the band-aid off like you told me, none of this would have happened.
I'm always right.
And you need to stop being so soft.
I know.
And I'm gonna start right now.
I'm looking at nursing homes for you and dad.
Oh, my God! You are? Y-y-you're waiting for us to die? You're going to lock us away in an old folks' home? - Oh, God.
Mom, I'm sorry - Sucker.
I love breasts! I love unicycles! We've got to go see this.
Let's go.
Road trip to Atlantic city.
Who's in? - I'm in.
- I'm in.
I can't remember the last time we spent a weekend together outside of Pittsburgh.
Me neither.
That'd be awesome.
Actually it was freshman year of high school.
We had to go to Ohio to take Owen to get those corrective shoes.
Thanks again, guys.
Now I walk like all the other boys.
This trip is gonna cost 300 bucks.
I don't have $300.
Hey, Roy, can I borrow it from you? I was gonna borrow it from you.
You guys don't have 300 bucks? You're grown men.
Losers! Hey, mom, can I get an advance on my allowance? Big request from Mr.
Forgets to erase his browser history.
How about we put all our money together.
What do we got? - Nobody has a bill? - Man, this is sad.
Yeah, you don't even have enough to get me to show you my breasts.
Hey, Steve.
Can you come? Oh, I'd love to, but I I got so much going on here.
You know, responsibilities.
Oh, wait.
You don't know.
Hi, could I get you something.
I can't believe I'm in Sullivan & son.
We get that a lot.
I'm Ellen Frank's wife.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
I-I wish I was here on a happier occasion.
I I have some sad news.
Frank died.
I'm sorry to hear that.
That's terrible.
Who the hell is Frank? I want to buy everyone a round of shots in Frank's honor.
Oh.
Uh, to Frank! To Frank! He loved this place, and he felt so close to you all.
He used to say that you were like a second family.
Well, that's the way we felt about him.
Anybody? The guy was probably in here one time.
He came in here almost every night for 10 years.
Wait a minute.
I know who it is.
It's that bald guy who wears the big red jacket.
Swing and a miss! da da da da, da da da, da, da da da, da da da, da da da da da da da, da da da, da da da da da da da, da da da, da da da, da da da, hey! Come on.
Somebody's got to know this Frank guy.
Yeah.
How about you, Carol? You sure you don't know him? Well, you'd think I would know him, right? I mean, he meets all of my criteria.
He's a guy, and he's been in this bar.
Frank.
Frank Sinatra.
Frankie Valli.
Frankie Muniz.
Frankie Muniz? The kid actor? Well, I went to his birthday party.
I forgot to bring a present.
He was an animal.
No Webster, but hey.
Here's to a great man.
To Frank.
To Frank! Mm.
Is there a a certain place that he loved to sit that I could take a picture of? Yes.
Yes.
He loved sitting in this general area.
Should I tell her? No! Steve, the poor woman's already in enough pain.
Only a monster would tell her.
I'll tell her right now.
Stop being such a nice guy.
Yes, it's going to hurt her.
It's going to be awkward.
But you just have to rip the band-aid off.
Really? You start with one little lie because you don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, and it always comes back to bite you in the ass.
You're right, mom.
That's the way to go.
Uh, Ellen, there's something I need to tell you.
I know.
It's Frank's bar tab.
I got it.
He was a very successful businessman, and he left me very well off.
So just tell me what he owed you.
$9,000.
No problem.
I'll write a check.
What are you doing? I'm helping her, Steve.
This is how rich people grieve They write checks.
What happened to ripping off the band-aid.
We'll rip it off as soon as the check clears.
Mom, I'm not doing this.
I can't take your check.
Frank was very special to us, so, uh, we'll take care of his bar tab.
Oh, that's so sweet of you.
Well, at least let me take care of his friends' bar tab.
How much do they owe? $9,000.
Oh.
Okay.
E-Ellen, we all appreciate the gesture, but, uh, I-I'm just not comfortable taking money from you.
I can see why Frank loved this place, especially you, Jimmy.
Well, actually my name "Jimmy this, Jimmy that," so many stories.
You meant the world to him, Jimmy.
That's embarrassing.
I've been calling him Steve for years.
You are so soft! Like a little puffy jelly doughnut.
You've been like this since you were a kid.
Oh, oh, great.
We're revisiting childhood memories? Should I lock myself in a hot car while you get your nails done? There was water in the sippy cup.
You know, I was thinking.
Frank had so many happy memories here at Sullivan & son.
It would mean the world to me if we could have his memorial service here.
H-how much would that be? $9,000.
Again, it would be our honor to have it here, free of charge.
Oh, thanks, Jimmy.
You know, Frank is looking down on us right now and smiling.
You owe me 9,000 bucks, Jimmy.
It's driving me crazy that we can't figure out who this Frank guy was.
I know.
We're here every night.
We would have met him.
I got it.
I got it.
Frank was the fat guy with the black glasses.
Yep, that's it.
Stri-I-I-ke two! We've got to get to Atlantic city.
And they're topless! Hey, Ellen.
What's all this? Jimmy, you have been so kind to me.
I wanted to thank you somehow.
So I thought you could use two flat-screen tvs.
Think of it as a gift from me and Frank.
Well, that's completely not necessary, but, uh But thank you.
And thank you.
We sell these at the store.
This is 3 grand right there.
This lady's got real money.
You thinking what I'm thinking? Build a space ship out of the boxes.
No, she's loaded, and she wants to do nice stuff for Frank's friends.
So maybe if we can show her how close we were to Frank, she'll pay for us to go to Atlantic City.
Whoa-ho.
Broke out the old kilt, huh, Hank? Yep.
Weddings and funerals It's my go-to attire.
I'm itching a little bit, though.
Oh, that's the wool in the kilt.
No, no, no, no.
I man-scaped.
There were 50 shades of gray on the bathroom floor.
I'm gonna make Atlantic City happen right now.
Mm-hmm.
Hi, I'm Owen.
Frank used to call me "oh-ee," "oh-man," "oh-ster," "oh-dog," anything that started with "o".
That dude was oh-mazing.
He was.
I never knew my father.
Oh.
It's sad.
I know.
I always saw Frank as the dad I never had.
That's so wonderful.
Can I hold daddy one more time? What's that dad? You want us to scatter your ashes all over Atlantic city? I mean, I guess I could.
What's going on? I'm scraping the labels off this Mexican champagne I bought in bulk.
I'm going to slap on a fancy label and sell her the good stuff.
I don't want her to see "two-peso pepe.
" Uh, hi.
I'm Roy, Frank's black friend.
Oh, nice to meet you.
Yeah, we used to hang out, me and him.
They called us cookies and cream.
Oh, that's really nice.
Yeah.
We'd be at the bar enjoying our beers responsibly And he talked about all the places he had traveled.
Of course, I couldn't partake in that conversation, being a black man of limited means.
So he promised that he would show me the world Pis, Morocco, Atlantic city.
You've got plenty of time.
Did I mention I have lupus? O.
I still can't figure out who this Frank is? It's becoming unnerving.
Ye, and we're getting to that age where people from group are starting to get fitted for angel wings.
We've got to live every moment like it was the last.
Hank, is this one of your "get drunk and kiss me" moments? - You enjoyed it the last time.
- Oh, Hank.
That wasn't me.
Well, then, who did I kiss? Me.
And you never called, you dick.
You know, something occurred to me.
You guys werso close with Frank.
How about and I'm not sure where I'm getting this idea That you take our private jet and go to Atlantic City? You're the coolest widow ever.
I have never been on a private jet.
And you know why? Because you can't rap and you have a relationship with your father.
Stay in a fancy hotel, go see a show, I'll even give you some money for gambling.
We can't tell you how much this means to us.
W-we're gonna sit here and reflect on just how special Frank was.
Thank you.
I'll be back in an hour.
Yeah! Yes! Has anyone figured out who Frank was? I think I've got it.
I think it was that guy with the blotchy skin who was too fat for his clothes, always sweating, zero personality.
It's eczema.
My name is Howard.
And I'm fat because of the prednisone I take because I have cancer.
So I'm sorry if I'm not the belle of the ball! What a colossal asshole.
You know, I'll bet Frank's widow will pay for us to bring a date to Atlantic City.
You got to get one first.
Way ahead of you.
Check it out Single female at 2:00.
He'll be throwing up in her mouth at 2:02.
Hi.
I'm Ahmed.
What brings you to Sullivan & son? That was faster than normal.
Well, nice talking to you.
No, no.
No, it's okay.
Ha! I'm fine.
My name is Lilly.
I'm here for the memorial.
- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah.
She stopped crying.
For Ahmed, that's like getting to second base.
She let him sit down.
For Ahmed, that's like getting laid.
I lost a very dear friend.
His name was Frank.
Did you know him? Well, he bought me a couple shots once.
Oh.
How did you know him? We had a 10-year affair.
We were using this place as our cover.
He told his wife he was coming here, but he was actually with me.
So you're single? Too soon.
Of course.
Guess what Frank was doing for those 10 years he told his wife he was here? He was banging her.
I'm starting to really like this Frank fella.
I can't help but feel insulted.
I mean, I'm a sexy, attractive woman.
Frank could have picked me.
Why did he have to choose her? Because Frank was never here.
I wasn't looking for an answer.
That's it.
A widow and a mistress in the same room There's no way we're having this memorial here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's not be hasty.
This lady wants to fly us on a private jet to Atlantic City.
Steve, we don't have much in our lives.
For God sake, don't take that away from us.
It's not your call, Steve.
This is bigger than you now.
You take my jet and my boobs, there's room for two in that urn.
I don't care.
I should have listened to my mom from the very beginning.
I'm telling Frank's wife the truth.
No, you're not! I've got that widow spending a fortune.
This is the biggest party we've ever had.
You think this is a moneymaking opportunity? Hello! Do you remember what is written on my grandmother's headstone? "Ride those suckers for all they're worth.
" It rhymes in Korean.
You want to know what's on my grandfather's? What? Nothing.
We sold his body for a new roof.
But I feel horrible.
She should know the truth.
It's too late for the truth.
All you're going to do is cause her pain.
I remember when your sister was a little girl.
She looked at me with big sad eyes and asked, "do you love me as much as Steve?" Children don't want to know that their parents have a favorite, so you lie to them.
You say, "yes, Susan.
I love you just as much.
" Is she gone? - Yes, mom.
- Good.
I was running out of ways to sugarcoat it.
What should I do, dad? Well, the way I see it, on the one hand, your friends are counting on this trip to Atlantic City.
And on the other hand, in order for them to get it, you got to not tell a grieving widow the truth.
Good luck.
My shift is over.
Uh, Ellen.
So we should probably get started.
Yes, we should.
Thank you, Jimmy.
Very wise decision, Jimmy.
Uh, everyone, if you want to please take your seats.
This is the bill for the memorial.
You'll notice there's no charge next to the pretzels.
Our way of saying "sorry for your loss.
" All right, well, take the card.
Whatever it costs, uh, this one's unlimited.
I accept the challenge.
Thank you all for coming.
You know, Frank had a name he used to call this place, and I think we all know it.
So let's look to the heavens and say it together.
One, two, three Yes.
Sully's.
Well, I could go on and on about Frank, but I would like someone here to say a few words.
In some ways, he knew Frank better than I did.
His best friend, Jimmy.
She's talking to you.
Thanks for doing this.
I know that whatever you're gonna say is gonna mean a lot to everybody.
Well, I'm sure.
Oh, and remember to tell about the fishing story.
The fishing story? Yeah, when you went fishing.
You know, with the clown and the goat and the Vespa.
That was hilarious.
Tell it.
Welcome, everyone, to the celebration of the life of Frank Frank.
We all knew him as Frank.
Frank was a great guy.
He was always smiling, shining, knowing you could always count on him For sure.
In good times, in bad times, he'll be on our side forever more.
That's what friends are for.
Isn't that the aids song? You know, there are so many great stories about Frank.
I just don't know which one to tell.
So why don't we all just take a moment and remember our favorite Frank story? Mine's the fishing story! Tell it! You tell it! Yes, Jimmy! You must go on! We all want to hear the fishing story.
What are you doing? Tell the damn story! There is no fishing story! There never was a fishing story because I didn't know Frank.
No one in this bar knew Frank.
The whole thing was a lie so he could use the bar as a cover for his affair.
What? An affair? With me.
Awkward.
Ellen, I should have been honest with you from the beginning, but I was trying to spare your feelings because Because my mom wanted to sell you Mexican champagne and my friends wanted a free trip out of you.
So I went along for the ride.
Why would you do that? Because I'm a nice guy.
I'm starting to think that you're a sociopath, Jimmy.
My name is Steve.
And a little schizophrenic.
- So you're the other woman? - Yeah.
So every night when he said he was here, - he was actually with you? - Yeah.
- It's nice to meet you! - yeah? Yeah.
I'm sorry you had to find out like this.
Oh, don't be.
Oh.
Frank and I drifted apart years ago.
The physical attraction was gone, and I felt guilty about it.
Oh.
So, thank you for giving him so many years of happiness.
You're welcome.
Oh, sorry.
That was just a knee-jerk reaction.
Well, I was gonna send these liars to Atlantic City.
- But why don't you and I go? Or maybe Europe? - Okay.
Well, do you have anything going on for the next month? Not since Frank died.
Let's get out of this shit hole.
Yeah.
Uh, wait.
I think you're forgetting something.
What am I supposed to do with Frank? We need a new tip jar.
You know what? That guy didn't even deserve a memorial.
He was a scumbag cheater.
Yeah, can you imagine lying to your wife for 10 years? I mean, it's one thing if you get drunk and have a one-night stand.
- That's a different story.
- What are you talking about? A one-night stand is still cheating.
I said "a drunken one-night stand.
" There's just a big difference between a 10-year lie and one little mistake.
You don't put a penis in a woman's vagina by mistake.
Oh, this is just too easy.
I'm walking away.
It's just these things are not always clear-cut.
Yes, it is.
There's no difference between a 10-year affair, a one-night stand, or kissing somebody else when you're in a relationship.
It's all the same.
It's all cheating.
Next thing you're gonna tell me is that looking at somebody else is cheating.
It is if it lasts more than three seconds.
You're insecure.
What? Just because I'm a girl, I'm insecure? Give me a break.
Where are you going? To serve a drink.
You coming back? Hey, I'm, uh, sorry I screwed up your trip to Atlantic city.
It's okay, Steve.
It wouldn't have been a real guys' weekend without you.
Yeah, besides, this isn't so bad.
We get to spend the weekend together here and watch these big tvs.
Hey, guys.
Who wants to go to Mars? You did the worst thing a son could do to a mother.
You cost me money.
If your great-uncle who we sold for a pair of Air Jordans was still alive, he would tell me to disown you.
I know.
You were right.
If I just ripped the band-aid off like you told me, none of this would have happened.
I'm always right.
And you need to stop being so soft.
I know.
And I'm gonna start right now.
I'm looking at nursing homes for you and dad.
Oh, my God! You are? Y-y-you're waiting for us to die? You're going to lock us away in an old folks' home? - Oh, God.
Mom, I'm sorry - Sucker.