SuperMansion (2015) s02e03 Episode Script
The League of Cheesedom
1 General: Well, Mrs.
Goldstein, I look forward to seeing what a robot that costs as much as a stealth bomber can do.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's get this show on the road.
First, we'll demonstrate threat evaluation.
[whirring.]
Are you angry? You look angry.
I hope I didn't offend you.
What the shit? I-I-It's just getting the lay of the land.
Uh, let's move on to threat neutralization.
[gunfire.]
You are angry.
I know what you need.
Now isn't that better? Yeah, we gonna go ahead and shut this down.
No.
Yep, yank the funding like a rotten tooth.
[music.]
That chatty robot obliterated our budget, General.
We ain't gonna be able to afford toilet paper come November.
Hope you like wipin' yo ass with wishes.
We have to scrape this shit off our boots, soldier.
Who do we know who's dumb enough to dump this on? Now, if you could just sign.
[quickly.]
Enjoy your Robobot, Mr.
Rex.
My what? What the hell are you? That is an excellent question.
- Three billion dollars? - Are you angry? You seem angry.
So no one wanted me.
It's a great story, Rex, heh.
The point is that Agony is a sneaky bastard.
Because he conned you into accepting me? What? No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
He's the bad guy.
You were just an expensive mistake.
Wow.
I I have a lot to think about.
[music.]
Shit, man, that was cold.
- Yeah, yeah, enough about him.
Do me.
- Oh, dear God.
All right.
I call this one "Titanium Rex And The Hero Who Couldn't Take A Hint.
" [laughs.]
Sweet! [theme music playing.]
2x03 - The League of Cheesedom The classifieds sure have changed since my day.
I don't know what a "bi-curious BBW" is, but if I had 1,000 of them, I could make a fortune.
[sputters, spits.]
Green tea? I don't want to alarm anyone, but Marjorie's been killed by a Chinese spy.
No, no, Ranger, relax.
I'm treatin' you all to breakfast to celebrate my first day as a member of the League of Freedom.
- Hey, where's my cat food? - Portia: I threw it out.
You shouldn't be eatin' that cheap stuff.
I mean, did you know it's mostly cows' lips and buttholes? Yeah, I did know.
But now, I feel like I gotta say I didn't or I'm gonna get judged.
Why don't you have a seat and try some Danish taquitos with Moroccan baked eggs? Yeah, and probably a butthole count of zero.
Don't worry about them, Portia.
Not everyone grew up like Richie Rich.
- Gross, this salmon is raw! - It's smoked.
- With what, ice? - Jewbot: What's up? [music.]
You know, breakfast was just a marketing scam designed to sell more bacon.
- Jewbot? - You okay, buddy? Is anyone? We're alone in a meaningless universe.
- Google "the Fermi paradox" sometime.
- No! No! I'm the brooding superhero on the team.
- Take that stuff off.
- Don't try to put me in a box, Saturn.
I'm not gonna fit.
Good morning, team.
And what is goin' on with you? Your story last night really opened my eyes, man.
I'm just a defective killing machine that no one wanted.
How long do you see this lasting? Until the world goes cold and the stars blink into oblivion.
Let's give it 12 hours.
Foie gras frittatas How much did this cost? Wait.
Wait.
Stop.
Nobody eat anything! Oh, darn.
- All right.
What's going on, Portia? - This is a presentation.
You brought me on to rehab the League's image.
And my branding team came up with something you're just gonna love.
If we're gonna love it, why are you serving us a $1,000 breakfast? Well, let's just say I need you to keep an open mind.
Now, come on.
We're goin' on a little field trip.
Rex: The League of Cheesedom? A themed pizza restaurant to reintroduce your brand as family-friendly entertainment.
You wanna win their hearts, huh? - You do it through their stomachs.
- Portia, what have you done? Oh, you have no idea.
Come inside.
[games clicking, buzzing.]
Rex: American Ranger's Skee-Ball? Black Saturn's Ring Toss? - Cooch's Leprechaun Hunt? - Kick-ass! I mean, "Yuck.
" Portia, I appreciate your trying to help, but this seems a bit Like, I don't know, we're massive sellouts? Rex, if this takes off, you're gonna be Mickey Mouse.
Is the Senate gonna cut funding to Mickey Mouse? Huh, you trust this branding team of yours? Actually, this venture is, uh, t-the brain child of my, um, Vice President of Strategic Thinking.
That sounds made-up.
Oh, God.
Please, tell me it's not Courtney.
What's up, my ninjas? Who's the [bleep.]
? - This is your boy toy's idea? - He wanted to help.
Sometimes, Courtney gets worried he's stupid, - and I'm just with him for his body.
- Both entirely accurate.
Rex, let me ask you a question.
Do you know how popular pizza is right now? - It's the main food.
- Ah, dear God.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
They've got Skee-Ball? See ya! Don't Don't Don't get any in my eye.
Don't I can take all of the balls at the same time.
Bwah? - Hey, what's the problem? - I'm a symbol of freedom.
I can't have people lining up to stuff their balls in my mouth.
God! My balls keep bouncing off your chin.
[leprechaun giggles.]
You'll never get me leprechaun gold.
Say that again, mother [bleep.]
.
[leprechauns giggling.]
Portia, I appreciate all the hard work you've done, - but this doesn't seem like the League.
- Rex, Mickey Mouse.
Ah, I guess we could use a little goodwill.
- Babe, babe, it's ready! - Oh, you guys are gonna love this.
[scoffs.]
Yeah, I doubt it.
Oh! What fresh horrors wait behind that curtain? Only the state-of-the-art in superhero-themed dinner entertainment.
Hmm, who is hungry? [music playing.]
Robots? And they're in a band? - That's cool.
- Take a seat and clap your titanium hands while you listen to the League of Cheesedom band.
Throw your Saturn a ring And give your Cooch a squeeze Band: # Then order up a pizza # With American cheese Band: # Mushrooms, garlic, pepperoni # Eat whatever you're feeling Sausage, onions, macaroni Cheese that stretches to the ceiling There's nothing cool about this band.
Cooch, how do I buy a pizza? I'm a cat, so I don't know.
- They take MasterCard and Visa.
- Ah! Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow - "Meow, meow, meow," Portia? - Kids are dumb, Rex.
Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow! After all these years, could it be true? Could this be my family? What the [bleep.]
is this thing? Who want wants pizza? Where's the Saturn Robot? I like pizza.
And kids dig clowns.
Watch.
It's me, The Groaner.
And I've stolen all the pizzas in Storm City.
Not if Black Saturn and his novelty Saturn rings available in the gift shop for $9.
99 have anything to say about it.
[whimsical music playing.]
Ah! [grunting, laughing.]
- I have a few notes.
- Our test opening starts in one hour, and we have to hit the ground running.
Toby Tucker is coming.
- Toby Tucker? - He's an Internet star and the biggest preteen tastemaker in the country.
If he tweets, 'grams or 'books a good review, we're set.
Pizza is [groans.]
I'm coming, friend.
- Oh.
Oh, my.
Robotheon? - You find something interesting? Only my brother.
Uh, you know what you're doin' back there? Yes, these are refurbished military drones like me.
They must have come out of the same factory I did.
And now, they are in a pizza band.
Did someone s-say, "P-Pizza"? The tech guy told me what to do when this happens.
[grunting.]
Pizza! Pizza! Pizza! What are doing, you freaking fascist? The robots are the whole show.
If they're not working, we're screwed.
Jewbot, do you think you can fix 'em? I'll try and maybe, in the process, fix myself.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's just make the singing robots work for now, huh, buddy? Stealing pizzas? We need to hate The Groaner.
- B-But the script clearly - You want your script? Look into my eyes! There's your script! Oh, and, Kyle, you feeling all right, buddy? - Yeah.
- I thought you might have an upset stomach, because I just watched you eat a giant pile of shit out there.
Dude, I don't need this.
I'm outta here.
Oh, looks like we got an opening.
Hmm, no time for an audition.
- You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'? - What? That you bullied Kyle into quitting so you could steal his role? That's right.
I "Black Swanned" his ass.
Meet me in the rehearsal room in 10 minutes.
Come dressed to move.
I'm gonna make you sweat.
[indistinct chatter.]
Oh! Toby Tucker is here! Ranger, you greet the kids at the door.
Rex, you're showin' Toby around.
Me? I don't get along with kids.
You're dressed like a damn action figure, Rex.
- Get that ass moving.
- But I - Toby, nice to meet you.
- Hey, guys.
Toby Tucker here.
Checking out an exclusive test opening of The League of Cheesedom.
Who's this old guy? - Oh, um, hi.
- Scary.
Catch y'all next Toby time.
Vines are six seconds.
Try not to talk so long next time.
[chuckles.]
You got it.
Let's go get you a good seat for the show.
Hello, son.
What's your name? Hey, look.
You can slide balls - into American Ranger's mouth.
- Awesome.
Check out the free cup you get with the frozen lemonade.
What's this? Portia? Portia! - Do we have a problem here? - Yes, we do, indeed.
I did not sign off on novelty frozen drinks depicting the 70 years of my life I spent frozen in a time tunnel! Hey, watch your tone, bro.
[cracking, screams.]
And let's not even mention the swarm of children learning that my mouth is a great place to stuff their balls! [Courtney whimpering.]
You don't know me yet, so I'm gonna give you a chance here.
Let go of my man and lower your voice.
- Or what?! - Who the hell do you think you talking to?! I am a grown-ass woman, and this is a business.
- You ever run a business, son? - Uh, uh, no.
- "No," what? - Uh, no, ma'am.
Then why don't you do yourself a favor and let Momma Jones drive before she has to break - three inches of stiletto off in yo' ass? - Uh, y-yes, ma'am.
Now, go hand out tokens and smile, mother [bleep.]
.
No woman has ever talked to me like that before.
Dear God.
I think I liked it.
[leprechauns giggling.]
Too slow, pussycat.
Hey, why don't we let the kids have a turn, Cooch? Kids? You don't want kids getting close to these things.
Hey, this looks fun.
[dramatic music.]
No-oooo.
What are you doing? Get off of me.
Run! I'll hold them off! [grunting.]
[grunting.]
That should do it.
[electricity powering up.]
I've switched your empathy cores back on.
I've waited my whole life to find someone who relates to me.
- Pepperoni? - Che-e-ese? [hesitantly.]
Okay.
Does anyone have anything else to say, possibly non-pizza-related? I do not have legs.
That's good.
Go with that.
How does that make you feel? Like a pizza without cheese? Oh, you guys are way into pizza.
I've got a lot of work to do.
Let's get started.
And, uh, three, uh, four, uh, five and and? Come on! That's where you pull my pants down.
I just really wish you were wearing underwear.
Oh, you're too tense, Spencer.
You've thrown a lot at me.
Ow! - What was that for? - For answering to "Spencer.
" You are now The Groaner, body and soul.
Now hit me.
- What? - The choreography is too stiff.
- It needs to be real! - Honestly, I don't I don't think it needs to be.
I want you to hit me as hard as you ca - Ow, mother [bleep.]
! - Ow! Son of a bitch.
We go on in an hour.
Uh, hmm.
[cellphone dialing.]
Hey, look, Toby.
It's American Ranger! Rex, Portia just yelled at me like a drill sergeant, and my little soldier stood at attention - and stormed Boner Beach.
- "Boner Beach?" Dude, can you say that again? - I didn't quite get it.
- Ah, no! Oh! - [laughs.]
Look at this! Fetch! - What? Hey! What the hell's wrong with you? This kid could make or break this place, which means he could make or break the League.
This place could burn to the ground, and I would dance a jig and light a candle.
Well, if Portia yelled at you, I'm sure you deserved it.
I did deserve it, Rex.
I think that's what excited me sexually.
Then stay out of Portia's way.
Uh, oh, right, because if I get in her way, I'd just be purchasing a ticket down the Boner Express.
[chuckles.]
Ranger, don't do anything stupid.
Toby Tucker fell in the ball pit! - He's drowning! - Ah, Christ.
[leprechauns laughing.]
Ah! Ugh.
Uh, uh.
Oh, wee lassie.
You couldna strike us down fast enough.
We are immortal.
G-Give me that gold, you freakin' ginger dicks.
Hey, well, that was hurtful.
And here I was, about to give ya all the gold.
- Really? - No, you dumbass.
[chuckling.]
Frickin' 'chauns, man! Well, I hope you're hungry, Toby, because I hear our pizza is out of this world.
- [chuckling.]
He's not listening.
- Yo, your boy Toby here with The League of Cheesedom advance review.
- And let me say, "This pizza sucks.
" - No, no, no, no.
Now Now, wait until the entertainment starts.
We've got some great stuff planned.
So there is an entire world beyond those walls - where they also serve pizza? - So much more than pizza.
You know what? Let's forget about the pizza.
I'd still like to talk about my legs.
Damn it, Ranger.
I don't know the story with your legs.
I wasn't there when the decision was made.
They will want us to sing again soon.
Do you want to sing? [whirring.]
Then let's decide what we want to sing about.
[beeping.]
I really appreciate you coming down.
What can I say? Performing is in my blood.
- What do we got? - Here's the script! I just rewrote it.
I-It kicks ass.
Uh, can we run the lines at least once to get the cadence down? - No time, no time! Action! - Aah! [microphone feedback.]
"Hee, hee, hee.
The children of Storm City will never be safe while The Groaner is on the prowl.
I have drugged their pizza.
" Drugged their pizza? "Who knows what sort of perverted delights I'll get up to once all these kiddies go to sleep?" Mother[bleep.]
, I'm not reading this.
You don't break on stage, you amateur.
Saturn, what the hell is going on, goddammit? Ohh.
"Rest assured, it will be sick and twisted like me, the sick pervert, Groaner.
Also, it would take a real bad ass to bring me down.
" Holy shit, this is terrible.
Groaner, you sick [bleep.]
! You mess with the kids in my city, you face the wrath of Black Saturn.
- Ugh! - Jesus, dude! [audience booing.]
See? [chuckles.]
Isn't this great? Live action segment shows promise, despite the overwrought performance of the lead.
- Oh! Hello, Portia.
- I told you to hand out tokens.
I stand before you, disobeying a direct order.
Anything to say about that? - Ranger? - Not now.
Then this, perhaps? Oh, I'm gonna tan your hide and make it a saddle.
Oh, I'm such a bad boy.
[clears throat.]
What the [bleep.]
are you doing? Uh, hey h-hey, are you kids ready for some music? Then please welcome The League of Cheesedom band! The world is getting darker As I'm opening my eyes Jewbot? Well, what what is he doing up there? Forced to play this guitar Like pizza dough is forced to rise And I don't receive a salary Because my heart is a metal battery Metal battery Oh! For a guilt-free meal, the Margherita pizza - God help us.
- # Is low-calorie # Calorie Band: # Cut me all you want # - Oh, this place sucks.
- Band: # You won't hit bone # - # Won't hit bone # - Oh God.
and still feel so alone So alone [crowd booing.]
Let's get out of here.
Band: # start a revolution on my own # On my own Band: # The pizza's made on an authentic pizza stone # Pizza stone [music ends.]
Boo! Okay, this one's on me.
Courtney, what in the Fix those robots.
I'm on it, babe.
Saturn, cover for me.
- Psst.
Grab a kid and start running.
- What? Just do it.
They'll love it.
- I'm not kidnapping a child.
- Just do it! Uh, y-y-you're coming with me.
- Hey, you son of a - Ow! It's a role! Go back to the happy song.
[Courtney grunting.]
Rex Robot: Threat detected.
Reboot complete.
Assess battleground.
Outdated firmware detected.
Upgrade all.
[beeping.]
[screaming.]
[laughing.]
I knew it! The 'chauns are in charge now! Run! Enemies detected.
- Prepare for combat.
- "Prepare for combat"? Remember when I said, "These came from the same factory as me"? Well, I think Courtney might have just activated their military protocols.
Which I'm sure has nothing to do with you tinkering with them.
Can we move on, please? God.
Ah! Run! Initiate Extermination Mode.
Well, I guess I'm doing this now.
They're going after the kids.
Protect the - Ah! - This isn't what I taught you.
Your empathy center is overdeveloped.
You are a defective unit.
- W-What? - Join us or die.
Nothing can stop me from taking the balls! I've been waiting all day for this, you goddamn abomination! I can't get enough balls in my mouth.
We'll see about that.
[electricity crackling.]
Balls! Hey, guys.
It's your boy, Toby.
This may be my last "Toby Time," so please don't forget to like me on Facebook, and [leprechaun laughing.]
- Ah! Get it off me! - Cooch: Goddamn 'chauns! - Aiee! - Ugh! Get behind me! [dramatic music playing.]
Oh! [shouts.]
Robot waiter: Enemies detected.
No one menaces a child while Black Saturn [screams.]
Goddammit! Son of a bitch.
Here we go.
No mercy, you soulless beast! [cheering.]
Stand back, everyone.
- Everyone out! - Let's get out of here.
- Thank you, Titanium Rex.
- Oh, thank God.
[whimpering.]
Foul creation! Your human emotions make you weak.
You are not one of us.
Perhaps I am defective, perhaps I don't belong, but you're still [bleep.]
with a $3 billion war machine, bitch.
[grunting.]
Help me.
It doesn't have to be this way.
You don't have to be filled with rage and hatred.
I can teach you.
What do you say? Self-destruct sequence activated.
[laughs.]
Guess that's a hard no, then.
Let's move! He's gonna blow! - Where's Groaner? - There's no time.
Ha, ha, ha [distorted laughter.]
I guess that's what insurance is for.
You did get insurance, right? Right?! Uh, well, I, uh C- Coming! Got to go, babe.
[crying.]
Groaner! Groaner, where are you? Didn't Groaner sneak out with the kids? - Yes, he did.
- Should we tell him? Not just yet.
I thought I had found a family, but they ended up being bloodthirsty monsters.
Ah, it's pretty much every family.
Look, I don't care how you came into my life.
You were defrauded into taking my delivery.
Really regretting telling you that story.
My point is, whether you're flesh or bone or nuts and bolts, you're part of our family, Jewbot.
Probably could have saved us all a lot of trouble by saying that earlier.
Well, I'm sure the League is happy you're here, too.
Right, guys? They're not here, are they? Goddammit.
Hey, Rex, can somebody take me home? The place burned down, kid.
Piss off.
Jewbot, seeing you interact with your well, brothers, it occurred to me that there's someone you haven't met before.
- Hi.
- Martha Goldstein? I-I've read every article about you.
Well, I'll just leave you two alone.
You designed me.
By by all rights, you're my mother.
It's so wonderful to meet you.
You look so different.
I decided to convert after I discovered your Jewish heritage.
That's quite flattering.
But, honey, I'm not Jewish.
My maiden name was Nelson.
My ex-husband's name was Goldstein.
You must think I'm a fool.
No, not at all.
I'm honored that you would convert to my faith, but I'm not a religious woman.
I'm way more into the modern science of mental health.
R-Rex, you still close by, buddy?
Goldstein, I look forward to seeing what a robot that costs as much as a stealth bomber can do.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's get this show on the road.
First, we'll demonstrate threat evaluation.
[whirring.]
Are you angry? You look angry.
I hope I didn't offend you.
What the shit? I-I-It's just getting the lay of the land.
Uh, let's move on to threat neutralization.
[gunfire.]
You are angry.
I know what you need.
Now isn't that better? Yeah, we gonna go ahead and shut this down.
No.
Yep, yank the funding like a rotten tooth.
[music.]
That chatty robot obliterated our budget, General.
We ain't gonna be able to afford toilet paper come November.
Hope you like wipin' yo ass with wishes.
We have to scrape this shit off our boots, soldier.
Who do we know who's dumb enough to dump this on? Now, if you could just sign.
[quickly.]
Enjoy your Robobot, Mr.
Rex.
My what? What the hell are you? That is an excellent question.
- Three billion dollars? - Are you angry? You seem angry.
So no one wanted me.
It's a great story, Rex, heh.
The point is that Agony is a sneaky bastard.
Because he conned you into accepting me? What? No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
He's the bad guy.
You were just an expensive mistake.
Wow.
I I have a lot to think about.
[music.]
Shit, man, that was cold.
- Yeah, yeah, enough about him.
Do me.
- Oh, dear God.
All right.
I call this one "Titanium Rex And The Hero Who Couldn't Take A Hint.
" [laughs.]
Sweet! [theme music playing.]
2x03 - The League of Cheesedom The classifieds sure have changed since my day.
I don't know what a "bi-curious BBW" is, but if I had 1,000 of them, I could make a fortune.
[sputters, spits.]
Green tea? I don't want to alarm anyone, but Marjorie's been killed by a Chinese spy.
No, no, Ranger, relax.
I'm treatin' you all to breakfast to celebrate my first day as a member of the League of Freedom.
- Hey, where's my cat food? - Portia: I threw it out.
You shouldn't be eatin' that cheap stuff.
I mean, did you know it's mostly cows' lips and buttholes? Yeah, I did know.
But now, I feel like I gotta say I didn't or I'm gonna get judged.
Why don't you have a seat and try some Danish taquitos with Moroccan baked eggs? Yeah, and probably a butthole count of zero.
Don't worry about them, Portia.
Not everyone grew up like Richie Rich.
- Gross, this salmon is raw! - It's smoked.
- With what, ice? - Jewbot: What's up? [music.]
You know, breakfast was just a marketing scam designed to sell more bacon.
- Jewbot? - You okay, buddy? Is anyone? We're alone in a meaningless universe.
- Google "the Fermi paradox" sometime.
- No! No! I'm the brooding superhero on the team.
- Take that stuff off.
- Don't try to put me in a box, Saturn.
I'm not gonna fit.
Good morning, team.
And what is goin' on with you? Your story last night really opened my eyes, man.
I'm just a defective killing machine that no one wanted.
How long do you see this lasting? Until the world goes cold and the stars blink into oblivion.
Let's give it 12 hours.
Foie gras frittatas How much did this cost? Wait.
Wait.
Stop.
Nobody eat anything! Oh, darn.
- All right.
What's going on, Portia? - This is a presentation.
You brought me on to rehab the League's image.
And my branding team came up with something you're just gonna love.
If we're gonna love it, why are you serving us a $1,000 breakfast? Well, let's just say I need you to keep an open mind.
Now, come on.
We're goin' on a little field trip.
Rex: The League of Cheesedom? A themed pizza restaurant to reintroduce your brand as family-friendly entertainment.
You wanna win their hearts, huh? - You do it through their stomachs.
- Portia, what have you done? Oh, you have no idea.
Come inside.
[games clicking, buzzing.]
Rex: American Ranger's Skee-Ball? Black Saturn's Ring Toss? - Cooch's Leprechaun Hunt? - Kick-ass! I mean, "Yuck.
" Portia, I appreciate your trying to help, but this seems a bit Like, I don't know, we're massive sellouts? Rex, if this takes off, you're gonna be Mickey Mouse.
Is the Senate gonna cut funding to Mickey Mouse? Huh, you trust this branding team of yours? Actually, this venture is, uh, t-the brain child of my, um, Vice President of Strategic Thinking.
That sounds made-up.
Oh, God.
Please, tell me it's not Courtney.
What's up, my ninjas? Who's the [bleep.]
? - This is your boy toy's idea? - He wanted to help.
Sometimes, Courtney gets worried he's stupid, - and I'm just with him for his body.
- Both entirely accurate.
Rex, let me ask you a question.
Do you know how popular pizza is right now? - It's the main food.
- Ah, dear God.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
They've got Skee-Ball? See ya! Don't Don't Don't get any in my eye.
Don't I can take all of the balls at the same time.
Bwah? - Hey, what's the problem? - I'm a symbol of freedom.
I can't have people lining up to stuff their balls in my mouth.
God! My balls keep bouncing off your chin.
[leprechaun giggles.]
You'll never get me leprechaun gold.
Say that again, mother [bleep.]
.
[leprechauns giggling.]
Portia, I appreciate all the hard work you've done, - but this doesn't seem like the League.
- Rex, Mickey Mouse.
Ah, I guess we could use a little goodwill.
- Babe, babe, it's ready! - Oh, you guys are gonna love this.
[scoffs.]
Yeah, I doubt it.
Oh! What fresh horrors wait behind that curtain? Only the state-of-the-art in superhero-themed dinner entertainment.
Hmm, who is hungry? [music playing.]
Robots? And they're in a band? - That's cool.
- Take a seat and clap your titanium hands while you listen to the League of Cheesedom band.
Throw your Saturn a ring And give your Cooch a squeeze Band: # Then order up a pizza # With American cheese Band: # Mushrooms, garlic, pepperoni # Eat whatever you're feeling Sausage, onions, macaroni Cheese that stretches to the ceiling There's nothing cool about this band.
Cooch, how do I buy a pizza? I'm a cat, so I don't know.
- They take MasterCard and Visa.
- Ah! Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow - "Meow, meow, meow," Portia? - Kids are dumb, Rex.
Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow! After all these years, could it be true? Could this be my family? What the [bleep.]
is this thing? Who want wants pizza? Where's the Saturn Robot? I like pizza.
And kids dig clowns.
Watch.
It's me, The Groaner.
And I've stolen all the pizzas in Storm City.
Not if Black Saturn and his novelty Saturn rings available in the gift shop for $9.
99 have anything to say about it.
[whimsical music playing.]
Ah! [grunting, laughing.]
- I have a few notes.
- Our test opening starts in one hour, and we have to hit the ground running.
Toby Tucker is coming.
- Toby Tucker? - He's an Internet star and the biggest preteen tastemaker in the country.
If he tweets, 'grams or 'books a good review, we're set.
Pizza is [groans.]
I'm coming, friend.
- Oh.
Oh, my.
Robotheon? - You find something interesting? Only my brother.
Uh, you know what you're doin' back there? Yes, these are refurbished military drones like me.
They must have come out of the same factory I did.
And now, they are in a pizza band.
Did someone s-say, "P-Pizza"? The tech guy told me what to do when this happens.
[grunting.]
Pizza! Pizza! Pizza! What are doing, you freaking fascist? The robots are the whole show.
If they're not working, we're screwed.
Jewbot, do you think you can fix 'em? I'll try and maybe, in the process, fix myself.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's just make the singing robots work for now, huh, buddy? Stealing pizzas? We need to hate The Groaner.
- B-But the script clearly - You want your script? Look into my eyes! There's your script! Oh, and, Kyle, you feeling all right, buddy? - Yeah.
- I thought you might have an upset stomach, because I just watched you eat a giant pile of shit out there.
Dude, I don't need this.
I'm outta here.
Oh, looks like we got an opening.
Hmm, no time for an audition.
- You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'? - What? That you bullied Kyle into quitting so you could steal his role? That's right.
I "Black Swanned" his ass.
Meet me in the rehearsal room in 10 minutes.
Come dressed to move.
I'm gonna make you sweat.
[indistinct chatter.]
Oh! Toby Tucker is here! Ranger, you greet the kids at the door.
Rex, you're showin' Toby around.
Me? I don't get along with kids.
You're dressed like a damn action figure, Rex.
- Get that ass moving.
- But I - Toby, nice to meet you.
- Hey, guys.
Toby Tucker here.
Checking out an exclusive test opening of The League of Cheesedom.
Who's this old guy? - Oh, um, hi.
- Scary.
Catch y'all next Toby time.
Vines are six seconds.
Try not to talk so long next time.
[chuckles.]
You got it.
Let's go get you a good seat for the show.
Hello, son.
What's your name? Hey, look.
You can slide balls - into American Ranger's mouth.
- Awesome.
Check out the free cup you get with the frozen lemonade.
What's this? Portia? Portia! - Do we have a problem here? - Yes, we do, indeed.
I did not sign off on novelty frozen drinks depicting the 70 years of my life I spent frozen in a time tunnel! Hey, watch your tone, bro.
[cracking, screams.]
And let's not even mention the swarm of children learning that my mouth is a great place to stuff their balls! [Courtney whimpering.]
You don't know me yet, so I'm gonna give you a chance here.
Let go of my man and lower your voice.
- Or what?! - Who the hell do you think you talking to?! I am a grown-ass woman, and this is a business.
- You ever run a business, son? - Uh, uh, no.
- "No," what? - Uh, no, ma'am.
Then why don't you do yourself a favor and let Momma Jones drive before she has to break - three inches of stiletto off in yo' ass? - Uh, y-yes, ma'am.
Now, go hand out tokens and smile, mother [bleep.]
.
No woman has ever talked to me like that before.
Dear God.
I think I liked it.
[leprechauns giggling.]
Too slow, pussycat.
Hey, why don't we let the kids have a turn, Cooch? Kids? You don't want kids getting close to these things.
Hey, this looks fun.
[dramatic music.]
No-oooo.
What are you doing? Get off of me.
Run! I'll hold them off! [grunting.]
[grunting.]
That should do it.
[electricity powering up.]
I've switched your empathy cores back on.
I've waited my whole life to find someone who relates to me.
- Pepperoni? - Che-e-ese? [hesitantly.]
Okay.
Does anyone have anything else to say, possibly non-pizza-related? I do not have legs.
That's good.
Go with that.
How does that make you feel? Like a pizza without cheese? Oh, you guys are way into pizza.
I've got a lot of work to do.
Let's get started.
And, uh, three, uh, four, uh, five and and? Come on! That's where you pull my pants down.
I just really wish you were wearing underwear.
Oh, you're too tense, Spencer.
You've thrown a lot at me.
Ow! - What was that for? - For answering to "Spencer.
" You are now The Groaner, body and soul.
Now hit me.
- What? - The choreography is too stiff.
- It needs to be real! - Honestly, I don't I don't think it needs to be.
I want you to hit me as hard as you ca - Ow, mother [bleep.]
! - Ow! Son of a bitch.
We go on in an hour.
Uh, hmm.
[cellphone dialing.]
Hey, look, Toby.
It's American Ranger! Rex, Portia just yelled at me like a drill sergeant, and my little soldier stood at attention - and stormed Boner Beach.
- "Boner Beach?" Dude, can you say that again? - I didn't quite get it.
- Ah, no! Oh! - [laughs.]
Look at this! Fetch! - What? Hey! What the hell's wrong with you? This kid could make or break this place, which means he could make or break the League.
This place could burn to the ground, and I would dance a jig and light a candle.
Well, if Portia yelled at you, I'm sure you deserved it.
I did deserve it, Rex.
I think that's what excited me sexually.
Then stay out of Portia's way.
Uh, oh, right, because if I get in her way, I'd just be purchasing a ticket down the Boner Express.
[chuckles.]
Ranger, don't do anything stupid.
Toby Tucker fell in the ball pit! - He's drowning! - Ah, Christ.
[leprechauns laughing.]
Ah! Ugh.
Uh, uh.
Oh, wee lassie.
You couldna strike us down fast enough.
We are immortal.
G-Give me that gold, you freakin' ginger dicks.
Hey, well, that was hurtful.
And here I was, about to give ya all the gold.
- Really? - No, you dumbass.
[chuckling.]
Frickin' 'chauns, man! Well, I hope you're hungry, Toby, because I hear our pizza is out of this world.
- [chuckling.]
He's not listening.
- Yo, your boy Toby here with The League of Cheesedom advance review.
- And let me say, "This pizza sucks.
" - No, no, no, no.
Now Now, wait until the entertainment starts.
We've got some great stuff planned.
So there is an entire world beyond those walls - where they also serve pizza? - So much more than pizza.
You know what? Let's forget about the pizza.
I'd still like to talk about my legs.
Damn it, Ranger.
I don't know the story with your legs.
I wasn't there when the decision was made.
They will want us to sing again soon.
Do you want to sing? [whirring.]
Then let's decide what we want to sing about.
[beeping.]
I really appreciate you coming down.
What can I say? Performing is in my blood.
- What do we got? - Here's the script! I just rewrote it.
I-It kicks ass.
Uh, can we run the lines at least once to get the cadence down? - No time, no time! Action! - Aah! [microphone feedback.]
"Hee, hee, hee.
The children of Storm City will never be safe while The Groaner is on the prowl.
I have drugged their pizza.
" Drugged their pizza? "Who knows what sort of perverted delights I'll get up to once all these kiddies go to sleep?" Mother[bleep.]
, I'm not reading this.
You don't break on stage, you amateur.
Saturn, what the hell is going on, goddammit? Ohh.
"Rest assured, it will be sick and twisted like me, the sick pervert, Groaner.
Also, it would take a real bad ass to bring me down.
" Holy shit, this is terrible.
Groaner, you sick [bleep.]
! You mess with the kids in my city, you face the wrath of Black Saturn.
- Ugh! - Jesus, dude! [audience booing.]
See? [chuckles.]
Isn't this great? Live action segment shows promise, despite the overwrought performance of the lead.
- Oh! Hello, Portia.
- I told you to hand out tokens.
I stand before you, disobeying a direct order.
Anything to say about that? - Ranger? - Not now.
Then this, perhaps? Oh, I'm gonna tan your hide and make it a saddle.
Oh, I'm such a bad boy.
[clears throat.]
What the [bleep.]
are you doing? Uh, hey h-hey, are you kids ready for some music? Then please welcome The League of Cheesedom band! The world is getting darker As I'm opening my eyes Jewbot? Well, what what is he doing up there? Forced to play this guitar Like pizza dough is forced to rise And I don't receive a salary Because my heart is a metal battery Metal battery Oh! For a guilt-free meal, the Margherita pizza - God help us.
- # Is low-calorie # Calorie Band: # Cut me all you want # - Oh, this place sucks.
- Band: # You won't hit bone # - # Won't hit bone # - Oh God.
and still feel so alone So alone [crowd booing.]
Let's get out of here.
Band: # start a revolution on my own # On my own Band: # The pizza's made on an authentic pizza stone # Pizza stone [music ends.]
Boo! Okay, this one's on me.
Courtney, what in the Fix those robots.
I'm on it, babe.
Saturn, cover for me.
- Psst.
Grab a kid and start running.
- What? Just do it.
They'll love it.
- I'm not kidnapping a child.
- Just do it! Uh, y-y-you're coming with me.
- Hey, you son of a - Ow! It's a role! Go back to the happy song.
[Courtney grunting.]
Rex Robot: Threat detected.
Reboot complete.
Assess battleground.
Outdated firmware detected.
Upgrade all.
[beeping.]
[screaming.]
[laughing.]
I knew it! The 'chauns are in charge now! Run! Enemies detected.
- Prepare for combat.
- "Prepare for combat"? Remember when I said, "These came from the same factory as me"? Well, I think Courtney might have just activated their military protocols.
Which I'm sure has nothing to do with you tinkering with them.
Can we move on, please? God.
Ah! Run! Initiate Extermination Mode.
Well, I guess I'm doing this now.
They're going after the kids.
Protect the - Ah! - This isn't what I taught you.
Your empathy center is overdeveloped.
You are a defective unit.
- W-What? - Join us or die.
Nothing can stop me from taking the balls! I've been waiting all day for this, you goddamn abomination! I can't get enough balls in my mouth.
We'll see about that.
[electricity crackling.]
Balls! Hey, guys.
It's your boy, Toby.
This may be my last "Toby Time," so please don't forget to like me on Facebook, and [leprechaun laughing.]
- Ah! Get it off me! - Cooch: Goddamn 'chauns! - Aiee! - Ugh! Get behind me! [dramatic music playing.]
Oh! [shouts.]
Robot waiter: Enemies detected.
No one menaces a child while Black Saturn [screams.]
Goddammit! Son of a bitch.
Here we go.
No mercy, you soulless beast! [cheering.]
Stand back, everyone.
- Everyone out! - Let's get out of here.
- Thank you, Titanium Rex.
- Oh, thank God.
[whimpering.]
Foul creation! Your human emotions make you weak.
You are not one of us.
Perhaps I am defective, perhaps I don't belong, but you're still [bleep.]
with a $3 billion war machine, bitch.
[grunting.]
Help me.
It doesn't have to be this way.
You don't have to be filled with rage and hatred.
I can teach you.
What do you say? Self-destruct sequence activated.
[laughs.]
Guess that's a hard no, then.
Let's move! He's gonna blow! - Where's Groaner? - There's no time.
Ha, ha, ha [distorted laughter.]
I guess that's what insurance is for.
You did get insurance, right? Right?! Uh, well, I, uh C- Coming! Got to go, babe.
[crying.]
Groaner! Groaner, where are you? Didn't Groaner sneak out with the kids? - Yes, he did.
- Should we tell him? Not just yet.
I thought I had found a family, but they ended up being bloodthirsty monsters.
Ah, it's pretty much every family.
Look, I don't care how you came into my life.
You were defrauded into taking my delivery.
Really regretting telling you that story.
My point is, whether you're flesh or bone or nuts and bolts, you're part of our family, Jewbot.
Probably could have saved us all a lot of trouble by saying that earlier.
Well, I'm sure the League is happy you're here, too.
Right, guys? They're not here, are they? Goddammit.
Hey, Rex, can somebody take me home? The place burned down, kid.
Piss off.
Jewbot, seeing you interact with your well, brothers, it occurred to me that there's someone you haven't met before.
- Hi.
- Martha Goldstein? I-I've read every article about you.
Well, I'll just leave you two alone.
You designed me.
By by all rights, you're my mother.
It's so wonderful to meet you.
You look so different.
I decided to convert after I discovered your Jewish heritage.
That's quite flattering.
But, honey, I'm not Jewish.
My maiden name was Nelson.
My ex-husband's name was Goldstein.
You must think I'm a fool.
No, not at all.
I'm honored that you would convert to my faith, but I'm not a religious woman.
I'm way more into the modern science of mental health.
R-Rex, you still close by, buddy?