Superstore (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - Spokesman Scandal

1 Hey! Kyle the Cloud 9 Cloud here! And I'm about to make it rain savings! [laughs] 15% off all dental products! You want the tooth? You can't handle the tooth! Meatballs with a chance of clouds? Give me a break! A dance break! [upbeat electronic music] [dramatic music] male announcer: He killed 14 people and ate the meat off their bones.
[groans] Announcer: That's what the FBI has claimed about Daniel Hertzler, better known to millions as Kyle the Cloud 9 Cloud.
Damn, when white people go crazy, they really do it up.
Yeah, we pretty much still have the market cornered on serial killing.
It's one of the last non-integrated industries.
Okay, look, this is not the best in-store viewing.
Amy, could you change it? Right.
Got it.
Um Oh.
Oh, no, no.
No, that just made it worse.
Yeah, thank you, Jonah.
I'm sorry, Amy, could you just let me do it? Do you mind if I try? Thank you.
Male announcer: And purchased at a Cloud 9 store.
Oh, no.
Announcer: All the victims were sawed into evenly portioned pieces with their genitals preserved in pickling jars.
- That makes sense.
- Oh.
We sell pickle jars? - No, no.
- It's not working.
We're gonna have to drown this out.
Everybody sing, okay? Down in the valley where Ezekiel wept Cry, Ezekiel, cry Come on, what's wrong with you? Garrett, give me a beat or something.
- [beatboxing] - Okay.
The finger of the devil is poking through the foam - All: Cry, Ezekiel, cry - Cry it out! And the slide to hell goes all the way down All: Cry, Ezekiel, cry Cry it out! [upbeat music] As most of you may have heard, our company spokesman has been accused of some improprieties.
By improprieties, you mean killing and eating people, right? Or is there a tax evasion thing going on as well? The killing and eating.
I can't speak to his tax situation.
Anyway, does anybody have any questions? What is the difference between a zombie and a cannibal? Oh, okay, a zombie is undead, and a cannibal's just, like, a dude who eats people.
So I kind of meant work-related questions.
But I'm right though? He is correct.
I have a work-related question.
What security measures are we taking to avoid revenge crimes? Revenge crimes? Families of the victims trying to eat us as payback.
I mean, that's what I would do.
Okay, let's not rush to judgment.
These are just allegations.
I'm sure he didn't do it.
Wait, Glenn? Why are you so sure he didn't do it? Because, Amy, I met Kyle at a corporate conference last year.
We had a great conversation.
He seemed like a good guy.
Well, that settles it.
I guess there's no reason for a trial.
I am telling you, there is no way that good man could have done this horrible thing.
Right, Jeff? Uh-huh.
[upbeat jazz music] You know, this was creepy even before he murdered people.
This paint smells like wet dog, and it's gonna take at least three coats to cover this.
This is the worst day ever.
The worst.
I mean, obviously, Kyle the Cloud's victims Yeah.
No, no.
Had a worse day when he ate their flesh off their bones.
Terrible day.
That was a terrible day.
Goes without saying.
Although, at least their suffering is over, you know? Ours has just begun.
Is it insensitive that I'd rather be in Kyle the Cloud's basement? No.
At least you could read down there.
And it would be so dark and cool.
So dark and cool.
That would be so nice.
That's my baby sleeping.
- Oh, cool.
- Aww.
[chuckles] So cute.
- Sleeping.
- Like a little angel.
Oh, my gosh, this next one's kind of funny.
[Laughs] Okay, guys, guys, guys, I need everyone's opinion.
Especially you, Garrett, since your brand is telling it like it is.
Oh, thank you for noticing.
Did you guys pick up on any weird tension between me and Jeff at that meeting? 'Cause I think he might be into me.
[laughing] Oh, I thought you were joking.
[softly] No.
I am so sorry.
[whispers] Stop bullying, Sandra.
Why do you think he's into you? Okay, the last time he was here, he came up to me at the end of the day, looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I noticed you.
" [gasps] He said, "I noticed you"? Ooh, Jeff is slutty.
[laughter] Okay, it's not what he said, it's how he said it.
It wasn't like [dead-pan] "I noticed you.
" It was like [whispering] "I noticed you.
" No, that wasn't it.
It was more like [in deep voice] "I noticed you.
" Ah, that sounded Scottish.
Male announcer: Police discovered a secret dungeon where the actor would videotape himself dismembering and devouring his victims, often while in cloud costume.
Oh, God.
I've said it once, I'll say it again: You are a terrible judge of character.
Also you have a weak chin and you can't dance.
Announcer: Additional items found on the property were a coffin filled with hair and several small bags of marijuana.
Wait, they found marijuana? This is incredible! Oh, no! Get that weak chin off me! They found marijuana! He was high! I hate him.
So much.
We definitely need smocks because you make your brushes too juicy.
Hello, Clarice.
[screams] - [chuckles] - Oh, gross, stop.
It's crazy how much Kyle stuff we have to throw away.
Corporate really put their money on "not a cannibal.
" Oh, God, they used to make us wear this suit to hand out flyers.
Dare you to put it on.
No, thank you.
Oh, okay, fine.
No, I get it.
You don't want to put on the cloud suit because you've already got a big chicken suit on 'cause you're a big chicken.
Oh, my God.
Is that supposed to pressure me into putting the suit on? [groans] You're right, you're right.
Doing awesome things is overrated.
Just go back to painting.
[scoffs] Well, grab an umbrella 'cause there's a cloud moving in.
What does that even mean? Oh, my God! You're doing it.
Okay, sorry.
Say your cool line again.
- Say it.
- Well, grab no, we're past it.
Go, go, go, go Go, go [hip-hop music] Isn't that terrible? Today, of all days, she's dressed like the killer.
Why would she do that? - [gasps] - Hi.
Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
I wouldn't let my kids touch that.
It says on your website that all your rooms have Animal Planet.
Hey there.
I noticed you were on the phone.
No, it's not life or death, it's just, you know, at the end of a hard day, sometimes you want to come home and watch some monkeys swinging around on the trees.
I'm just gonna come back later.
I'm sorry, could you hold on one second please? Hey.
There's something I'd like to ask you, but I feel a little weird about it.
Oh, no.
Please, please.
- Yeah? - Yep, ask away.
Somebody vomited in the ladies room, multiple stalls.
Would you mind? Of course.
Great, thank you.
I appreciate that.
Hi, yes, while I have you on the phone, I wanted to ask you why the curtains were gone when I got back last night.
I'd prefer to have them.
- Just louder.
- I'm hungry.
- What is wrong with her? - [growling] I'm hungry.
[Growling] Amy.
What are you wearing that for? Be Jonah Ah, buh, buh, buh, buh.
I'm dressed in this costume to show my support for the cannibal lifestyle.
[growls] Oh.
Oh, well, as it turns out, Kyle was not a cannibal.
He was only killing and eating people because he was high on marijuana.
What? It's just that I don't think that marijuana turns people into murderers.
Otherwise we'd literally be surrounded by killers.
You don't think people in this store do marijuana, do you? I mean Uh, probably.
Well, how how many of them? Like [device beeps] Half.
Half? Wait, half do, or half don't? - [stammering] - It's both.
[screaming] Both? Okay, so, tummy time is literally just a baby spending time on its tummy.
Wait, she's gonna turn her head now.
Nope, now.
Nope, now.
[Phone buzzing] Oh, sorry, guys, bad timing.
Hi, Bo, I was just showing them the tummy time video.
No, not that one, the good one.
This has got to stop.
Thank you.
She is breaking an unspoken social contract.
You show one photo.
And we all say it's the cutest baby we ever seen even if it's creepy, which it is, because it's a shrunken-down human, and then we all move on with our lives.
I mean, I have a ton of photos of my dogs, but no one wants to see those.
Right? Right.
Not even the one where they're dressed as Ewoks.
All right, you know I got to see that.
Okay, come on now.
Oh, no.
- Yeah.
- [laughs] Little Ewok dog.
You stealing a speeder? You can't drive a speeder, Ewok dog.
[upbeat music] Hey, Cody.
Just ignore me.
[sniffing] Just wanted to tell you I value you.
[chuckles] Thank you.
I appreciate that.
I'm going to go over there, okay? [sniffing] If you're smelling the workers, you gotta smell Elias.
On Thursdays he smells like ham.
It's hilarious.
Dina, do you think that marijuana could've had anything to do with what Kyle did? That's just about the stupidest thing you've ever said.
[sighs] Fine.
I'm just wondering if I have to start drug testing the employees.
But you always say that you don't want to do that.
I know, but if the alternative is someone in this store getting eaten.
Oh, wow.
Well, to be safe, I mean, I could do a surprise comprehensive drug test, but that's your call.
I mean, I could go either way.
Do it, don't do it.
I mean, if I had to decide, I guess I'm leaning towards do it.
Go for it.
It's up to you.
[chuckles] [laughs] I'm coming for you, Tommy Chong.
I'm coming for you.
How much longer do I have? Three minutes.
You can just give up.
Nope! I take not being a chicken very seriously.
I'm doing a dare.
I'm winning.
The test will detect any drugs in your system.
We're talking marijuana, cocaine, heroin, methamphetamines.
What about power pellets? Ah I don't see that.
What are they? Oh, you just take some big boppers, you cut in some fetty wap, you put a little disco shake on there, and then you roll that up in some Doc McStuffins.
Smoke it.
Get real high.
All right, we're gonna be testing for everything, okay? Excuse me, I just remembered I have to leave early.
- I have a thing at the place.
- What place? That place.
You know, the one we talked about earlier.
You talked to me about it? Yeah, I filled out an application and Brett saw it, he said it's cool, so You spoke to Brett about it? Okay, nobody is leaving until I get three ounces of yellow, all right? [all groan] Okay, look, everyone, Dina has my full support on this.
Okay, this is for your protection.
Look, people, if you haven't done any drugs in the last 72 hours, you have nothing to worry about.
What about way too much wine? I'm so bad.
[Laughs] Justine, you're not an alcoholic.
Stop bragging.
Attention Cloud 9 shoppers: We hope you're having a lovely day.
If you have any questions or concerns, please find our lead salesman, Charles.
Is there anything we should know about him? [sighs] He is in charge.
Charles in charge Of our days And our nights Charles in charge Of our wrongs And our rights And I sing I want I want Charles in charge Of me [sighs] [singing in Spanish] - Hey, Mateo.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Umm Do you think I could have your number? My number? [clears throat] Sure, you can have my number.
- It's 314 - Mm-hmm.
- 982.
- Got it.
Employee number 314982 is getting a letter of commendation in his file.
For cleaning up the vomit.
You are a good vomit mopper.
It is getting steamy in here.
[sighs] I'm just saying, usually one person dares and then the other person has to do it.
You you understand that, right? Yep, I get it.
I just don't want you to have all the fun.
Oh, listen, if you want to do this thing alone, by all means.
- Nope.
- I have no problem All right, hold on.
[both yelling] Sorry! Sorry! Move out of the way! - Hands up! - Okay, okay! [yelling] [laughs] [clears throat] Hey, guys.
- Hey, Jeff.
- Hi, Jeff.
What are you doing? Product testing.
Product testing.
Bye, Jeff.
[laughs] - [whispering] That was awesome.
- Yep.
One more time? - Yeah.
- How do we get back there? Let's I don't know.
Kinda shimmy over? [Grunts] Yes, yes, we're get we're doing it.
- Is it moving? - We're getting it.
- Hey, how's it going? - Great.
We get the results tomorrow and I'll call everyone who's fired.
Actually, I'll just call those who aren't fired.
It'll save me some time.
No, I don't want to start firing people.
Okay, look, maybe we shouldn't be doing this.
[liquid sloshing] Look, I get it.
You love these people.
I do too, but we told them there would be a urine test, so we have to follow through on this or they won't respect us.
I I don't believe that's true.
It is true.
They'll think we're weak and they'll think we're liars.
Is that who we are? Huh? Are we weak liars? No, we're strong truth tellers.
Heck yeah we are.
Pep up.
The lab comes at 5:00.
You know that's human urine, right? Suit yourself.
When she's hungry, it's like [low-pitched wail] But when she's tired, it's like [low-pitched wail] And when she's Just shut up about the baby! Oh.
Um, okay.
What? What, was I talking too much about the baby? I can stop.
Well, thank you.
I mean, it's not that we don't want to hear about your baby, it's just that it's been a lot.
No, I understand.
It's like you with your sneakers.
What you mean? Oh, you know, how you're always like, "Oh, yeah, I just ordered my pair of retro Jordans that are coming in two days.
" "You can only get these kicks in Japan.
" [both laugh] Wow.
Really seeing everybody's true colors today.
[both laugh] Real cool.
[both laughing] [speaks indistinctly] Well, I'm taking off.
All right, have a good night.
I gotta stop by the hotel first.
I guess there was some kind of a rodent/bedbug fire.
So that's and after that, though, I was gonna hit the new Italian place.
Are you busy? Nope.
Oh, let me guess, you want me to clean up that dead pigeon in aisle six? No, I was just wondering if you wanted to get dinner.
You mean, like, pick it up for you? No, I mean, like, take you out to dinner to the Italian place that I just mentioned.
Have you never been asked out on a date before? You're asking me out on a date? Uh-huh.
[laughs] I knew it! Oh, I thought, but then Garrett [clears throat] Ha! I knew it.
So is that a yes? Oh.
Um I haven't even really thought about that.
I usually don't date white guys, but you know what? Sure, why not? Great.
Oh, my God, I cannot wait to tell Garrett that I was right about this.
I'm gonna rub it in his stupid face.
Well, you see, this is where it gets a little touchy.
Just as a manager, I shouldn't really be dating any employees, so we would have to keep this between us if that's okay.
You're the boss.
I should really get on that dead pigeon.
Yes, I didn't want to ask 'cause I didn't want to ruin the moment.
- Hey, Glenn.
- Mm.
What's going on? Oh, I'm just having a bad day.
You want to talk about it? I'm happy to be your blender.
My blender? Yeah, you know, like, you give me your thoughts and your feelings, and I'll mix 'em up and give you back something real good.
Okay, I'm not sure I made the right decision about this whole drug testing thing.
Yeah, it's a bit extreme.
Sort of like a it's like a watermelon-sized reaction.
- Watermelon.
- Yeah.
It's just, I was so wrong about Kyle.
It makes me question how much I really know the people around here.
Sure, you don't know everything about everyone, but you know the important stuff.
Like, you know that Garrett is a can of soup.
You know, he's hard on the outside, but warm and soft on the inside.
He is a can of soup.
And Cheyenne is Cheyenne's a yoga mat.
She's colorful and she's fun, and then also she's, like, a little thick.
Yeah, yeah.
And and Jonah is an alarm clock.
He's just, like, so annoying in the morning.
So annoying.
Yeah, you just kinda wanna [both groan] I'd like to throw him at the wall some days.
Right? And you're the golf club.
You know? You're you're the one that you're the one that [sighs] That drives the worker balls soaring towards their full potential.
- Yes.
- Yeah! Exactly.
Thank you, Amy.
- You've really got a way with words.
- Thank you.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go tee off on someone.
[clapping] [vocalizing] Dina, cancel the tests.
The golf club is here.
What are you talking about? I'll tell you what I'm talking about.
- We - Whoa, whoa! Don't need these anymore.
My coffee cup's in there.
Yes, it is.
[sighs] Okay, Amy.
How's it going? Good to see you.
Good afternoon.
It is cold in here, isn't it? They crank that A/C up.
I need a drink myself.
Good afternoon.
Be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might a-get it.
[laughs] Oh, hey, man.
Oh, hey, Adam.
What how's it what's what's going on, man? Adam just came to pick me up.
Yeah, me too.
I mean, I'm going as well.
It's the end of the day.
I'm tired myself.
Yeah, I get it.
I was just just coming to say good-bye.
Um I'll catch you on the flip side, all right, bro? It's good to see you.
So what was that about? Um nothing.
He's just weird.
Oh, we should set him up with your brother.