Superstore (2015) Episode Scripts

Super Hot Store

1 Attention Cloud 9 shoppers.
We do apologise for the heat in the store today.
The temperature is controlled by corporate, and we are working on it.
And though I am thankful for all of you who have taken the time to tell me that it is hot in here, the next person who does, I'ma have to murder.
That is all.
How about you cool it with the attitude? - Not today, Dina.
- What, you think you're the only person that's uncomfortable? My pelvic area is like the Gulf Coast right now.
Seriously, I could steam shellfish in these khakis.
- Good God.
- If you can't be professional, stay off the airwaves.
Whoa, keep your hands off Thor's hammer.
Come on.
No, it's no, absolutely not.
- It's mine now.
- Oh, yeah? - How about it? - Boom.
What about that? Round two.
Is that your own personal microphone? Yeah.
I carry this one with me.
Guys.
Guys, come on.
I know it's hot in here, but let's breathe.
Let's have some patience for one another.
Yeah, you know, the heat makes us all act irrationally, you know, I mean If your face stays where it is, it's gonna get punched.
- I was just saying - Punched.
[Upbeat Music] [Mellow Music] [Sighs] God, the heat really brings out your age, doesn't it? Dina, I am trying to keep a positive attitude today, so help me out, okay? Yeah, sure.
Sorry.
So did you eat a lot of French onion soup last night, or is that just the natural scent your body secretes? You just have a very unique musk.
It's thick.
It's, like, swampy.
- Okay.
- It's like a swampy musk.
- I'm walking away.
Bye.
- It's not bad.
What? No offense.
Yeah, so anyway, the heat's really blasting away over here, and since you guys set the temperatures, I was hoping you could turn it off.
No problem.
I can help you with that.
- Thank you.
- And my computer says you're at 66 degrees, so that's perfect.
Well well, no.
Maybe your computer's not working, 'cause I can assure you it is extremely warm in the store.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
In my experience, computers don't make the mistakes.
People do.
I'm just gonna put a note on here that says "manager error.
" It is not an error.
I know what hot is, and I am very, very hot.
I'm sure you are.
Please hold.
What Marcus, what do you know about this pallet? Are you asking 'cause I'm in charge of the warehouse now? 'Cause you heard I'm in charge of the warehouse now, right? I did.
Yeah.
A promotion with no raise.
Well done.
Thank you.
It just goes to show you keep your head down, you do the work, get your thumb cut off, and agree not to sue, anything can happen.
Okay.
So you can clean this up? I got a lot on my plate right now, uh, but sure, yeah, I'll take care of it.
You know what they say: heavy is the head that wears the pants.
Okay.
It's Shakespeare.
Maybe pick up a book once in a while.
[Knock At Door] Hey, Glenn, I just wanted to check on the ETA of Ooh, it is pleasant as hell in here.
Well, yeah, I had to turn on the AC in February! Can you believe that? I'm trying to get them to fix it, but, my God, these people! So while everybody's out there boiling in the heat, you just sitting in here in your ivory ice tower? I'm doing everything I can.
Are you? 'Cause your people are counting on you.
So maybe this isn't about asking for help.
Maybe this is about 11:35? - Keep guessing.
- It's about time I fixed the heat myself? Okay, I can work with that.
Yes, Glenn.
Get out there and fix that heating system or whatever.
Yeah, I can.
I I'm gonna fix it myself.
Yeah.
That's what I'm doing.
- Okay.
- Doing that right now.
Yeah, go fix it.
And take your time! It's about the journey! Ooh, max cool.
That's what I'm all about.
Ugh, can you stay on your side? You're getting your gross guy heat all over me.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Is this better? Is this helping? - No! - You like that? It's worse! It's grosser! [Whimpers] Oh, my God, you are such a drama queen.
You're disgusting.
I am really sorry.
I just thought leather pants would look cool.
I didn't realize they'd stick to sweaty legs.
It's fine.
It's not real leather anyway.
It's made out of recycled soda bottles.
[Grunts] I'm going to this mixer for single IT guys.
Yeah? You gonna meet some women? No.
Just other IT guys.
Well, they're gonna love these pants.
Uh, hey, Amy? This woman slipped on some yogurt in Grocery, and, uh No! No Marcus was su Okay, um, I'll be right back.
Just wait here, ma'am.
Here you are.
I'm in IT.
[Sighs] Ooh! Ahhh! Oh, shut the door.
You're letting the air out.
Are you Glenn? 'Cause this is Glenn's office, but you don't look like Glenn.
Unless Glenn completely changed everything about the way he looks, or Glenn's actually always looked like Garrett but has just been wearing a mask all these years.
I'll get to the point.
I know you're not Glenn.
Wow.
Well, you figured that one out.
Look, I'm just taking a break from the heat.
Yeah, it is a lot cooler in here.
I mean, a gal could dry her pants out all the way in a place like this.
Marcus, a customer just slipped on the spill.
Yeah, sorry, Ames.
We'll get to it.
We're all just pretty hot back here.
Yeah, no, I get it.
It's hot everywhere.
But you said you'd clean it up.
Okay.
Relax.
There's no need to get emotional.
Emotional? Am I am I getting emotional? Kind of? Okay, you know what? It's not a big deal.
Just needs to get cleaned up.
I'll have one of my guys do it.
Much apreesh.
Oh, and hey, Ames, smile.
You'll live longer.
Did you just tell me to smile? Yeah, you little sourpuss.
Attention, employees.
Do not clean up the yogurt spill in Grocery.
This is a warehouse problem, and it will be cleaned up when they clean it up.
Go to hell, Marcus.
Excuse me.
It's a little hot in here.
We are aware of it! Okay.
Have a heavenly day.
I cannot believe he told me to smile.
Yeah.
That's so out of line.
I completely agree.
Would it help if I just cleaned it up? 'Cause I really, really want to clean it up.
Like, really.
Do not touch this spill.
Okay, leaving it to fester.
You know what? Maybe let's just let this one go, you know? Because the the heat.
And also, maybe the heat is causing, like, a number of us to act in ways that seem a little, I don't know, uh, overboard.
So what are you saying? We should let Marcus off the hook because it's hot? No.
No.
No.
It's just remembering that all of us are in the hot store, you know? Including me, Mateo, you.
Yeah, I know, and we're staying cool as [Bleep] cucumbers.
- Okay.
- Mateo! [Sighs] What is wrong with people today? Whoa! What a view! Now I get why Brett's always trying to make me come up here and smoke out with him.
Yeah, well, this shouldn't take long.
Your job is to hand me the tools as I need them, okay? Wow, you're so handy.
It's "handsy.
" Plural.
But yeah, the Sturgises have always been builders.
In fact, my ancestors built the ships that brought the very first African-Americans to this country.
You mean, like, slave ships? No! No.
Uh, okay, well, let's see what we're dealing with here.
Whoa! I can't believe you know how to fix that.
Well, I definitely do, so why don't you just, uh, be quiet and shut up? [Hissing] Do you have to make that noise? I've got a really bad itch at the back of my throat.
You know how they say people swallow, on average, three spiders per year while you're asleep? I think, last night, I hit my trifecta.
Ugh.
[Pen Clicking] Yep, that pen still clicks.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I bugging you? Oh, it's not your fault.
You're just an annoying person.
Look, let's be adults and just not talk.
Fine with me.
You remember that time we had sex? What the hell? Take off your pants.
Thank you both for agreeing to sit down.
Uh, mistakes were made.
Some things were said that I'm sure both parties regret.
She told me to go to hell.
I'm Catholic.
That's the worst place we can go.
Well, at least I didn't tell you to smile.
What's wrong with that? You have a nice smile.
I have an amazing smile.
It lights up a room.
But you don't tell me when to smile, Marcus.
I will smile when I damn well please.
Fine.
I'm sorry if you felt offended.
I just forgot how sensitive women can be.
Marcus, no.
So now I'm sensitive.
Well, how's this for sensitive, Marcus? I am writing you up.
Uh-oh, guys.
Miss Amy's writing my name on the board.
That's [Laughter] Oh, you think that's funny? Yeah, 'cause you were being like an uptight teacher.
What did we say about deescalating? More like I'm your superior at a job you used to have, Marcus.
You're fired.
You're firing me? For nothing? No, no, no, no, no, no.
No! Let's back it up, okay? Uh, nobody is getting fired.
And it's not "nothing," all right? I think what happened was, maybe you said some things that tapped into kind of a gender/power matrix, so Ugh, seriously, dude, you're being a bigger bitch than Amy.
Marcus, you're fired.
Oh [Silence] [Flies Buzzing] Okay, so you may have heard that we had an incident.
We had to let Marcus go.
- What? - What? Are you allowed to fire people? That's unclear.
Probably.
I don't know.
He seemed to think so.
Anyway, the rest of the warehouse walked out in solidarity with him.
Yeah.
They're surprisingly loyal.
Apparently he promised them he was ushering in a new era, so So we are going to unload this truck.
Do we even know how to unload a truck? Because I came back here once when they were doing it, and it is very elaborate and choreographed.
I mean, it was poppin'.
It was hummin'.
It was like boom! Boom! Shabam! Boom, boom! Alakazam! Sha-pow! Guys, it's fine, okay? I've got the manual, so, you know, all we need, really, are two people throwing the truck, one pushing the line, one on bulk transition, two pulling pallets, three pre-pushing HBA, and one person bowling C and D.
Okay, so that sounds great.
Let's do that.
We could dance and party all night And drink some cherry wine, uh-huh We don't have to take our [Sighs] So, uh, what are you thinking about? What are you doing? What is that? I don't know.
Just, I thought I thought that's something that people say after - Oh.
- Um Am I supposed to ask you what you're thinking about? - No.
- Because I can if you want.
- Please don't.
- Okay.
Sure.
[Knock At Door] Glenn? I need to talk to you.
[Mouthing Words] I think the heat may be getting to Jonah and Amy.
[Clears Throat] They may have gone and I try not to use this term cray-cray.
They've gone cray-cray.
They're both cray-cray! Hello! - All right, let's just go - Shh! [Whispering] It could be a fake walk-away.
He's probably still listening.
Why would he do a fake walk-away? I always do a fake-out walk-away.
Then I can hear what people are really saying about me.
And what are they saying about you? Oh, it's never good.
It looks really complicated.
Yeah, well, everything's computerized nowadays.
But it's still the same basic guts.
Let me just try diagnostics here.
Uh ooh, uh [Muttering] Oh, uh Okay, I seem to have changed the language.
[Glass Shatters] Okay, guys.
Good work.
I know we're all tired, but we're getting there.
We've only got, like, 200 more boxes.
Almost there.
Where's the scanner? I've got it.
But I kind of got walled in over here.
Don't worry, Sandra.
Everything's gonna be okay.
Just toss the scanner over to us.
[Scanner Thuds] Ow! Scanner's broken.
She's fresh, she's fresh Exciting She's so exciting to me I can't even help my own employees when they need me the most.
That's not true.
You help us all the time.
Like how? Oh, you want examples? Okay, um, oh, well, we wouldn't be able to come in to work in the morning if you didn't unlock the doors.
Actually, nowadays it's all opened automatically by computers.
Okay, but who turns on the computer? Corporate does.
Really? That's awesome.
Ha.
Hmm.
There's absolutely no reason whatsoever for me to be here.
I'm just a pathetic, useless old man, apparently descended from slave traders.
You're not that old.
What are you, like, 40? Holy [Bleep].
Should you be up this high? So sex again? Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay, bend your knees this time.
Okay.
Will you can you guide me? Guide you? I'm walking backwards.
You guide me.
I know, but I can't I can't see.
Okay, well, all I see is the box in my face.
Slow down! Slow down! Slow down! [Screaming] Ow! Ow.
Amy! Oh, God, um Oh, okay.
Guys, are you okay? Stand back.
I'm gonna break through.
[Pounds On Box] Guys, I can't break through.
Hello? Hello! Is anybody coming back to help me? I know this doesn't help that much, but you can really take a fall.
[Chuckles] You ever considered a career as a pro wrestler? Actually, yes.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be The Ultimate Warrior.
I had the arm ribbons and everything.
- [Laughs] - I did.
Did you have the big, poufy hair? Yes.
[Laughs] [Sighs] Breeze feels good.
Yeah.
I'm starting to feel like a normal person again.
That heat was making me insane.
Yeah.
[Laughs] [Gasps] We fired Marcus.
Like, if you could do anything, what would you do? I've always wanted to travel.
Oh, yeah.
Me too.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Like, I hear that in some of the McDonald's in Asia, they serve spaghetti.
- No way! - Yeah.
God, I would love to see that! [Chuckles] Wait.
We should just go! - Oh, what? - Yeah.
We should just travel the world together, you and me.
Oh, well, I mean, I You know, I have a baby, and then there's Bo, and I'm still finishing up school, and we haven't really spent that much time together.
No.
No.
Yeah.
[Sighs] Okay, fine.
We can travel the world.
Yeah? Sure.
Oh oh, man.
We're gonna have to get so many shots! Listen, I'm just saying if you put that much effort into your work Can we not turn this into a job review, please? Hello? Mr.
Sturgis, are you still there? [Imitating Glenn] Uh, yes, this is Glenn Sturgis.
I wear a tie with clouds on it.
Thanks for your patience.
We've finally resolved the heating issue.
Turns out, it was a problem with our computers.
It's now been fixed, and the store should already be cooling back down.
Oh, okay, great.
Hallelujah! [Sighs] Well, I guess, uh, we can go back to work.
Ugh, finally.
Hey, uh, I normally wouldn't say this, but, uh, I had a good time having sex with you today.
Yeah.
Me too.
You're good at it.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
But it's, uh, not gonna happen again.
- Oh, no, definitely not.
- It might, though.
Hey, you know what? If it did, wouldn't be opposed to it.
Me too.
But just just the sex part.
I find the rest of you repulsive.
Oh, the sound of your voice makes me want to punch myself in the throat.
Yeah.
I just totally lost it.
I mean, I don't have the authority to fire Marcus.
Oh, yeah, no, we were, uh we were out of our minds.
Ugh.
We're gonna have to swallow our pride and beg him to come back.
- Oof.
- Marcus, who thinks drinking water is a scam.
Marcus, who once said, "Bedsheets are for losers.
" And who's, um, coming here right now.
Hey, Marcus, um, we need to talk.
Totally.
I am so sorry.
I went for a drive, I cooled down a lot 'cause my car doesn't have doors, and I thought about today.
And I said some things about both of you that were uncalled for.
I think the heat must have gotten to me.
I'm really sorry.
Well, um, today is your lucky day, because I haven't filed the paperwork yet.
So I'm gonna let you off with a warning this time.
- That's big of you.
- Thank you.
So we can just all come back to work.
- Sure.
Whatever.
- And then maybe we should grab dinner or something tonight.
- Yeah - Just, like, to, you know, hash it all out so we can all be cool with each other.
That's probably not gonna happen.
We'll keep it open.
We'll keep it open.
- Okay.
All right.
- Sure.
Thank you guys.
[Exhales Deeply] Oh, there's that smile.
I don't know.
I can't decide.
Should we go London, Atlantis, Hong Kong right, it's Uhhuh.
And then or London, Hong Kong, Atlantis? - Uh, yeah.
- It's confusing.
Oh, wait a minute, Glenn.
It's cool in here again.
Wait.
How? You fixed it! I did? Oh, my God, I did.
Ha! Oh, no! What? I really wanted us to travel the world together, but I-I feel like the store needs you.
- Yeah, it does.
- Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
When you get to Macau, you buy yourself some McNoodles, kiddo.
- [Laughs] Okay.
- Okay? Bon voyage.
[Liquid Sloshing] Oh! Ooh! What the Oh, Glenn, are you okay? Oh, do you need help? No, I'm good.
Maybe just try to Maybe if you roll out of it? Yeah, swim! Swim out of it! Okay.
Mm.
You're not going anywhere.
[Panting]