Superstore (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - Integrity Award

1 The roach situation in the break room is getting worse.
So clean up your crumbs, and Heather, stop hording yogurt lids in your locker.
You're not gonna win that free cruise.
On to something more important than a bunch of dumb bugs.
Who's excited about awards season? Um, Glenn, the Oscars were last month.
I know that, because we had that Oscar pool.
Wait, who won that again? - [Indistinct Grumbling] - I believe that was you.
Oh, yeah, that was me.
It's all about the technical categories.
Yep, you said that.
Forget about the Oscars.
I am talking about the new Cloud 9 Integrity Awards.
I know, right? So cool.
The winner from each store gets an unframed certificate, and attends a luncheon with an all-you-can-eat buffet.
Wait, hold on.
So you go through the buffet, and fill your plate once, and that's all you get? No, it's all-you-can-eat.
Anyway, uh, the recommendation forms are here, and which Brett will be happy to help you with in case you think of someone you work with, or maybe work for, who you think has shown integrity in the workplace.
You can't push yourself for an award.
Me? I don't even know if managers are eligible.
Oh, yeah, they're probably not.
Well, I know they are, because I checked, so Oh, I see, so it's all you can eat on your one trip to the buffet.
No, you're you're not getting it.
It it's multiple trips.
That that's the beauty of it.
Well, I'm probably not eligible, since I'm dating Jeff.
You know, I wouldn't want to add more drama to the scandal, or add gasoline to the fire, right? [Laughs] You were all so interested when you thought Sandra was dating Jeff.
Yeah, it just feels kinda done now.
Yeah.
What size plate do you have to bring with you? They have plates there.
[Upbeat Music] So Jeff's kind of a bigwig, huh? I heard when he drives somewhere, Cloud 9 pays for his gas.
Oh, well, they pay for his haircuts too, so - That's awesome.
- Hm.
Uh, anyway, you know, I put in six requests for an exterminator for that roach problem, and then it occurred to me, maybe Jeff could help grease the wheels.
You want me to talk to Jeff? [Sighs] I don't know, Dina, it's Oh, sorry.
I just thought he was really into you.
He is.
[Scoffs] He's obsessed with me.
I'm all, "What do you wanna have for dinner?" He's like, "Mateo, I'm obsessed with you.
" Uh-huh, well, if you wanna prove it, why don't you give him a ring? I mean, if he's obsessed with you.
Mm-hmm.
The primary circuit supplies the secondary portion - of the valve with air.
- [Valve Hisses] - Pump the brakes to demonstrate.
- [Air Hisses] - What you doing? - Um, I am making a delivery.
Since when do you make deliveries? Uh [Scoffs] Since I realized we don't have any female truck drivers in 2017.
[Gears Grind] Okay, I'm helping my parents move.
- Ah - They forgot to rent a truck, and they have to be out of their house today.
[Gears Grind] Uh [Laughs] Okay, if you need some help, I actually know how to drive stick.
I thought it would be something that would impress women.
It does not.
Uh, nope, I'm fine.
Thank you.
- All right.
- [Gears Grinding] - Yeah, you got this.
- [Air Hisses] - Okay, fine, you can help.
- Aww - enough with the gratitude.
- [Sighs] Okay, hitting the road.
No limits, no rules.
I like to be right up on the wheel.
- Hey, Glenn.
- Hey.
Would it be okay if I recommended you for the Integrity Award? [Laughs] What? Me? Huh? [Snorts] You are you sure? Yeah, you're such a good guy.
But if you're uncomfortable with it - No, no.
Do it, do it.
- Okay well, I'm gonna put it in the ballot box.
Yeah, okay.
Whatever you decide, you know.
My middle name's Phillip Okay.
I would like 44 crab legs, please.
You were my lover But you act so undercover Love your child my whole life long I'm sorry, if I show you special treatment, people are going to start asking questions.
There's nothing I can do.
I gotta go.
Was that Jeff? Yeah, I asked him about the exterminator, and I knew it.
As the internet would say, "you can no haz cheeseburger.
" Forget it.
No, no, he, um [Clears Throat] Is sending somebody right away.
I told you, he's obsessed with me.
Oh, you really need to work on your good news voice.
I have a series of tapes I can lend you.
They're very helpful.
For example [Clears Throat] "Grandma's alive!" No, no, hold on.
"Grandma's alive!" No, that's not sounding right either.
I'll find it.
It's just news I would never be happy to give.
Hey, Sandra.
Hey, how was your vacation? - I didn't take one.
- No, I meant last year, when I gave you that week off to go to Atlantic City.
- Oh - Don't worry about it.
So who you nominating? - You.
- [Snorts] What? Me? No Sandra, that's so [Imitates Explosion] You know, that is so out of leftfield.
Watch out! Watch out! Move, move Coming through, coming through.
What's going on? Found this dog outside stuck in the snow.
- Oh, my God, is he okay? - Yeah, he's gonna be fine.
I just need to warm him up quick.
Hey, Tim, go grab one of those dog baths, bring him to the men's room.
Heather, grab some hairdryers, blankets, and towels.
Come on, little buddy.
I got you.
- Thank God Garrett was there.
- Yeah.
Talk about integrity.
Uh, I I don't I don't think you're allowed to erase.
I'm so excited to meet the parents.
Trying to decide if I should ask my questions in chronological order from birth, or by degree of embarrassment.
Oh, Jonah, so sweet, so dumb.
Do you actually think I'd bring you along if my parents were here? They're in the new place.
We're just getting boxes.
Hey, princess.
We're a little behind schedule.
- A little? - Hi, I'm Jonah, and I have a lot of questions.
Why aren't you guys packed? It's an emotional process.
Amelia, you made this in preschool.
- Amelia? - Uh, stay in your lane.
I'm already packed.
Took me two minutes to box up everything I own.
Let's see.
Uh, this is mostly socks, a toothbrush, and a banana.
I keep it simple.
What else do I need? I don't know, maybe your heart medicine, so that your body doesn't reject your new valve? Yep.
Look, I'm gonna need to stay.
Can you Uber back? Oh, n-n-no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
This is where I need to be, Amelia You know what, Connie? Let's start with those photo albums.
What do ya say? - Sit.
- Okay.
All right, now I'm gonna give you one more, 'cause I'm looking out for your sodium.
- Here you go.
- Hey, Garrett.
Hey there, little guy.
How's your [Dog Growls] Oh, he thinks you're trying to steal his nacho.
Oh I'm not.
Anyway, good for you for finding him.
You probably saved his life.
Hm, who saw that coming? I didn't.
Eh, you know, it wasn't that big a deal.
You might even win the award.
How crazy would that be? Garrett, Integrity Award winner.
Look, I know how much you want the award.
Whoa! That's quite a leap.
Well, on the off chance that I'm right, why don't we do this? Attention, Cloud 9 employees, do not recommend me for the Integrity Award.
If you would like to reward me for rescuing a dog, feel free to bring baked goods by Customer Service, preferably homemade.
Thank you.
And no lemon squares, or anything with oatmeal.
Save that crap for somebody who did not rescue a dog.
My cousin's actually an exterminator up in Davenport.
Name's Rob.
You know him? - Uh-uh.
- Eh, worth a shot.
Would've been cool.
All right, everyone out.
Break room is officially closed for fumigation.
This stuff is highly toxic.
Sandra, stay or go.
I really don't care.
All right, bug man, room is yours.
Go to town.
[Gasps] Oh, okay, NBD.
Just a few roachies.
[Gasps, Screams] [Clears Throat] I mean, ah.
Come at me, bro.
Oh she said the other kids were wearing capes at school.
Then I picked her up one day.
Nope.
Okay, Mom, I was coping with Grandpa dying in my arms.
And you know what, why don't you guys get packing? If you wanna chit-chat, exchange numbers.
- Already Facebook friends.
- [Giggles] So next we have oh, naked Amy.
Mom Please, you were three years old.
Don't worry, I only saw up-top stuff nothing south of the border.
Kay, you're not making it better.
Oh, I didn't mean that in, like, a Latino way.
Hey, Dad, you know, Jonah is a real art lover.
- Oh.
- Oh, really? Powerful, aren't they? Yeah yeah, yeah, you have a a real eye for composition.
They're celebrities.
Yeah.
Yeah, I caught that.
I knew you'd appreciate them.
- Yeah - Pick your favorite one.
Oh, me? No, no, no.
Come on, I couldn't.
No, no, no, I insist.
I don't have room for them anyway in the new place.
Oh, okay, thanks.
Um, yeah, I'll I'll take, you know, Putin.
- Why? - Well, I that's just because I mean, I I'll take any of them.
No, no, no, no, fine.
You want Putin, take him.
Thank you.
This, uh this mean a lot.
Let's say, um $30 sound fair? Yeah yeah, $30's $30's cool.
$30's good.
Yeah.
Hey, Cheyenne.
I was just reading your recommendation.
It is so nice.
Oh, thanks.
But three sentences? Can I really be summed up in three sentences? Oh, should it be longer? Well I'm just wondering if we could up the wow factor.
I mean, it's not about making it longer.
It's about making it better and longer.
So do you want me to write another one? I think you want you to write another one.
- That's what I'm hearing.
- Oh, okay.
I'll do it as soon as I'm done with this customer.
Oh, I'll take over, so so you can get to it while it's fresh in your head.
- What is? - I can't wait to find out.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Hi.
Are you ready to be your best self? [Cheery Music] Okay.
[Bug Bomb Hisses Softly] That's it? [Upbeat Pop Music] Hey, there you are.
The exterminator was here.
You just missed him.
Oh, yeah, I saw him.
Really skinny guy.
Huh, I didn't think so.
Well, you can't tell in a jumpsuit.
Anyway, thanks for making Jeff send him.
Sure.
I'm a good man to know, so let me know if you need anything else.
Cool.
Well, I'd love to get the bulbs changed in the parking lights.
Kitchen needs to be re-grouted.
- Utility room's a mess.
- Okay seems like a lot to ask all at once.
Come on now, you just need to make it worth his while, right? Bedroom-wise? Kitchen-wise? Dungeon-wise? Whatever it is you guys do.
This would just really help me out.
- Okay, sure, no problem.
- Great.
Let me know if you need any good sex moves.
Nope, I'm good.
[Laughs] You're gonna wanna take his whole mess of parts, and just twist 'em up fast, okay? Like a like a windup toy.
Uh, pretend it's a jar of pickles that won't open.
Excuse you, this is a private conversation.
Okay someone's ready for the dance.
Hi, boy! Hi.
I was looking everywhere for him.
[Laughs] Aww, hi, boy.
Oh, what's going on here? Garrett didn't just find a dog.
He found a veteran's dog.
Thank you.
You're a hero.
Oh, no, sir, thank you.
You're the real hero here.
- You are.
- Well, okay, I'll take it.
[Applause] Maybe we all are.
All of us are heroes.
Connie, you have more necklaces made out of coins than I have ever seen.
Until now, the record was zero.
[Sighs] I'm hungry.
Connie, I'm hungry.
Okay, I will order pizza, and we will keep packing until it gets here.
Pizza? This is our last meal in this house.
We can't just eat junk out of a cardboard box? - I mean, we could.
- I'll make tamales.
- Ooh, that sounds good - Oh, yeah.
But so does pizza.
Mom, we don't have twelve hours for you to make tamales.
I'll hurry.
I just have to find that steamer.
Mom, please, no.
Don't do not open that I just packed I can't.
Jonah, I'm feeling like $30 was a little low.
[Cheery Music] So all of us at corporate would like to congratulate you on some find work today.
Really impressive.
Ah, just doing what I do.
Plus, my manager, Glenn Sturgis, set such a great example for me.
Right, but you're the one who saved the life of a war hero's dog.
I mean, that deserves recognition.
Well, hold on.
I think you mean allegedly saved a life - of an alleged dog.
- It was definitely a dog.
And who knows if that guy was even a real war hero.
Maybe he was one of those veterans that, you know, shot up a village of innocent people.
Lot of folks snap under the fog of war.
[Whispers] What are you doing? Um, well[Stammers] I'm not sure how Garrett just called you a bad name, and now he's giving you the finger Attention, Cloud 9 employees, I am now accepting recommendations for the Integrity Award, not because I care, but largely out of spite.
[Knock At Door] Hey, uh, so I'm not exactly sure what this means, but your mom said, "You better come down.
You're not too big to get the chancla"? She's threatening to throw her sandal at me.
Why? Did she have it out? Wait, is this your childhood bedroom? Yeah, take in all the glory.
So this is where it all began for young Amelia.
[Laughs] Lets see here.
Oh, not one, but two, three six pictures of Scott Wolf.
Yeah, I was part of the Wolf Pack.
Hey, is this Is this "Rent"? I never pictured you as a a theater nerd.
I was one too.
Yeah, that's exactly how I pictured you.
Oh! And I was on the debate team as well.
I feel like if we went to school together, we would've been friends.
Um, I'd like to think not, but, yeah, probably.
This was not just a crush there's a darkness here.
[Glass Shatters] Okay.
I think it's, like, the longest thing I've ever written.
First time I wrote "opportunity.
" That word's nuts.
Yeah, well, I I think we're getting there.
But I still think we need, like, a big story here.
Like, what is my dog-in-the-snow? Oh, remember that one time that you stopped that shopping cart from smashing into aisle six? Yeah, like that, but what if aisle six was a baby, and the shopping cart was, like, an axe murderer? So you want me to lie to get you an Integrity Award? What I'm hearing is that you want you to lie to get me an Integrity Award.
[Rock Music] Don't know what you got Till it's gone But the worst part about the chanclas is if you duck the first one [Together] There's another one.
- Exactly.
- [Knock At Door] Right.
Hon, would you like two or three tamales? What the hell are you doing with my daughter? - Whoa, whoa.
- I'll kill you.
No, no, no, no, no, sir.
No, not it's not I'm kidding.
Look at him freaking out.
It's still hilarious, Dad.
Your cousins are downstairs.
Steven's girlfriend is very loud.
I told you.
I'm going to the store to get some ice.
No, Dad, we don't need ice.
We need you to pack your stuff.
This is never gonna get done.
I'm so sick of having to do everything for them.
Then don't.
- Come on.
- No, I-I-I mean it.
What what would happen if you just left right now? Then I would be the one who had to deal with the consequences.
No, you would be the one who decided to deal with the consequences, instead of just letting them deal with it.
I'm just saying, it's not your responsibility to make sure that everything goes well for everybody else.
Yeah.
You're right.
They're grownups.
They'll figure it out.
Okay.
Great, let's get out of here.
Okay, let's go.
Oh, like tha Oh, like, out that way? Oh, yeah, I'm not dealing with my cousins.
It's like non-stop Dr.
Evil impressions.
Excuse me, do you have anymore bug bombs in back? There's only one left, and I have to do my whole house.
Oh[Laughs] One's all you need for a house.
Three of them would fill a Scottrade Center.
[Cheery Music] [Cheery Music] You really schlonged me with this whole dog scam.
Well, that's a low blow.
But since I'm a man of [Clears Throat] Integrity, I'm gonna let it slide.
Why are you doing this? You You You don't even care about this award.
Why do you assume that I don't care? One time I do a good deed, I'd like a little recognition.
I like plaques.
I got walls.
- Are you crying? - Yeah! I got feelings, too, although not such strong feelings that I should be crying.
That's weird.
[Sniffles] Okay, this is our store today.
Here's where I'd like to see it in three months.
Fresh coat of paint, advanced security system.
You can tell Jeff whatever they have at the Tel Aviv airport will be fine.
Now here's where I'd like to see it in three years.
Enough! I'm not your slave, okay? Uh, I mean, Jeff's not.
[Coughing] Jeff's Jeff's not gonna do any of those.
[Coughs] What is going on? [Both Coughing] Oh, that's not great.
BOTH: In daylight, in sunsets In midnights, in cups of coffee - In inches, in miles - In inches, in smiles - In laughter, in strife - Smiles and strife.
[Crying] I'm sorry.
I just feel terrible.
[Crying] I feel sick.
I feel sick.
Yeah, as boys, we're told to keep our feelings inside.
But this is good.
I'm crying, you're crying.
[Sniffs] And And my nose is bleeding, and your nose is bleeding.
What? Oh.
- [Alarm Ringing] - Code Orange.
This is a Code Orange toxic event.
Everyone evacuate the building.
[All Coughing, Clamoring] BOTH: How do you measure, measure a year? Whoa, what is going on? I don't know, but looks like kind of a mess.
You know, they're adults.
I'm sure they can handle it.
Whatever it is.
You know, we never did get lunch.
Gotta eat.
[Alarm Continues Blaring] Oh, no, not here, sir.
We have a [Camera Shutter Clicks] What percentage oxygen you using? Standard 80? Yeah.
[Indistinct Chatter] So some moron decided to set off ten industrial-sized bug bombs in your break room.
Oh, I'm sure he was just trying to help.
Or she! Whoever it is.
Hey, so, uh, early dinner tonight? - What are you doing? - Huh? Oh, it's fine.
I I came clean.
I mean, the secret was just inflaming my ulcer.
- And they're okay with it? - Yeah, it's fine.
It's it's basically fine.
You need to transfer to a different store.
Transfer? Oh.
Why can't I just have a car? I don't know.
You just can't.
No, see, the thing is "Party of Five" showcased his boyish appeal, but it made it harder for him to get darker, more adult roles.
I wonder what he's doing now.
He married Kelly from "THE REAL WORLD: New Orleans.
" They live in Park City with their three kids.
Whose names are [Laughs] How would I know? Jackson, Miller, and Lucy.
- [Both Laugh] - [Phone Vibrating] Okay, so who was your '90s crush? Alyssa Jayne Milano was born in Bensonhurst, Brooklyn Of course it was Alyssa Jayne Milano! In 1972.