The Addams Family (1964) s01e12 Episode Script

Morticia, the Matchmaker

They're creepy and they're kooky Mysterious and spooky They're altogether ooky The Addams family The house is a museum When people come to see 'em They really are a scream The Addams family MAN: Neat.
Sweet.
Petite.
So get a witch 's shawl on A broomstick you can crawl on We're gonna pay a call on The Addams family How exciting.
Look at them go! This is going to be the greatest train wreck in railroad history.
I'm gonna switch them onto the same track.
Watch! Wonderful.
Darling, you have such a way with trains.
-I suppose so.
-Weren't you happy with it? I thought it was your finest wreck.
Perhaps it was.
But I've just realized, if you wreck one train, you wreck them all.
Sometimes I almost wish they'd miss each other.
Gomez, what a shocking thought.
Maybe we've just gotten into a rut.
We do seem to be doing the same things over and over again.
-Our morning stroll through the swamp.
-Fencing across the lunch table.
Darling, why don't you come and have a nice hot cup of henbane? It'll soothe your nerves.
MORTlClA: Thank you, Thing.
-Darling.
-Thank you.
Darling, maybe we should take a trip somewhere.
Tombstone or Death Valley.
Some fun place.
Perhaps.
Good morning, darling.
Would you like a bite? Chew your food.
No, no.
Cleopatra, you'll spoil your lunch.
Darling, maybe we should have some people in.
That nice Mr.
Harris.
He always seemed to enjoy himself here.
That would be pleasant, but I'm afraid Mr.
Harris won't have the time for us any longer.
Did you see the paper this morning? No, darling, I haven't read the paper yet.
He has a new job working for the government.
"Foreign diplomats visiting our city.
Roger L.
Harris to conduct tour for VlPs.
" There's a picture.
MORTlClA: They certainly seem to be enjoying the tour.
Well, I hope you'll enjoy the places we're going to see today, gentlemen.
We will not enjoy.
Frankly, Washington is quite upset about your lack of enthusiasm so far.
So? They seem to blame me for it.
If I fail to give you a good impression of our country, well Oh, it'll mean the axe for me.
-Miri Haan, take note.
-Note I take.
If guide fails assignment, Washington masters will chop off head.
Naturally.
No, I don't mean they'll chop my head off.
I mean they'll fire me.
-And then set fire to him.
-Destroy evidence.
Gentlemen, look, you take our language too literally.
For two days now your Washington masters have shown us phony tour.
They only show us what they want us to see.
You do not show us the real America.
The downtrodden masses slaving under bureaucratic whip.
We want to see the people.
The real peoples! Peoples.
All right.
All right, anything you say.
You can see anybody you want to.
Good.
We choose honest way.
By chance.
We stick pin into phone book.
Wherever pin strikes we go.
-All right with me.
-Miri Haan, phone book.
I'll get a pin.
-We use our own pin.
-Always.
Eeny, meeny, miney, boom! What's the matter, Tish? Something wrong? That's strange.
I felt just as though I'd been stuck with a pin.
The Addams.
Oh, no, no, they aren't They're off limits.
Excuse me, sir.
Please don't go in there.
A-ha! -Guide begs us not to go in.
Why? -Why? Because we have found real American family, not phony bureaucratic setup.
-That's not so.
-And government -will chop off his head for this.
-Poor fellow.
Come.
We go see some real Americans.
Look, fellows, I know where there's a dandy little bar downtown with beautiful dancing girls.
You'll have a ball there.
A-ha! Miri, take note.
Guide tries to bribe us but we refuse.
We are strong men.
We go later.
Now we go see typical American family.
-Very interesting.
-I take note.
Mrs.
Addams, you have a very interesting house here.
I have seen nothing like it before in America.
Well, it's nothing out of the ordinary, but we like it.
MORTlClA: And I'm so glad you gentlemen could come.
You've brightened our day immensely.
Harris, it was very nice of you to bring them here.
-Well, it wasn't my idea -He was very eager for us to meet average American family, is not so, Mr.
Harris? I keep telling you! The Addams are not an average family at all.
-How sweet.
-Don't be turning our heads with flattery.
I do wish I'd known you were coming.
I could've planned some sort of amusement.
Oh, no, please.
We wish to observe everyday routine.
Agreed? MORTlClA: Whatever you wish.
Psst.
Our house is your house, gentlemen.
Mr.
Haan, may I offer you a cigar? Here, have one.
I will save for later.
Let's join the conversation.
Psst.
Mr.
Haan, sit down.
-Miri Haan, you're smoking.
-Oh, no, I save for later.
Mr.
Haan, I'm terribly sorry.
I should've warned you it was a live cigar.
I begged you not to come here in the first place.
Well, gentlemen, we'd better be running along.
I'm sure you've seen enough.
-And I think -We send this back home to laboratory.
I had no idea it was so late.
If you gentlemen will excuse me, it's time to go feed my plants.
Yes, they get pretty cranky when they're hungry.
Plants? Plants get hungry? Cranky? Well, after all, they're only human.
I'm quite proud of Mrs.
Addams' hothouse.
She's raised these plants from tiny weeds.
Darling, would you? Gardening is all a matter of proper feeding.
And these plants just love meat.
-Meat? -Especially when it's medium rare.
Yes, they're really meat eaters.
I've seen them.
Especially that one.
It's a regular little glutton.
Oh, no, no, no.
Cleopatra, really.
Mr.
Harris was only joking, darling.
She's really a sweet little thing.
She's terribly young.
Not very S-M-A-R-T.
But she's learning.
Open up, sweetheart.
Have some more.
There.
Yes.
This is plant, not animal? -And it is learning? -She's quite slow, actually.
She's three years old and she can't even feed herself yet.
Open up, sweetheart.
Excuse me.
-This is big thing we have discovered.
Big.
-Very big.
They've learnt to breed plants that have the intelligence of humans.
And a mere woman has done this.
An American woman.
Perhaps they have gone further than this? And Harris thought he could hide this from us.
It's all right.
We will learn the truth.
Take notes, Miri Haan.
Plenty notes.
Plenty notes.
Plenty notes.
The mail's in.
Thank you, Thing.
-What is that? -Just your imagination.
Don't let him pull your leg.
Thing is as real as any of us.
Thing, come up and meet our guests.
Thing.
Now, now.
Dear Thing, he doesn't know his own strength.
-Anything exciting in the mail, dear? -Oh yes, lots of bills.
Wonderful.
Will you excuse us, please? Is it real? Muscle and bone, with a grip like iron.
They have made this.
A hand, a single hand by itself.
-lt likes privacy.
-This is fantastic.
Take notes, Miri Haan.
Take notes.
American family has taken first step towards building robots.
First a plant that moves and thinks and then a hand of flesh and blood.
This is big.
-Very big.
-Bigger than big.
I write everything down.
Everything.
Beautiful wreck, isn't it? -Beautiful wreck? -Beautiful wreck? Hello, I didn't know you were having company.
This is our Uncle Fester.
This is Mr.
Klarpe and Mr.
Haan.
-Of course, you know Mr.
Harris.
-Howdy.
-I guess this'll have to wait.
-What'll wait, old boy? Well, I was feeling a little run down and I just wanted to get myself recharged.
-Recharged? -Recharged? -It's just an expression.
-This is an expression, too? Oh, no, this is a great little pepper-upper.
Would you like to see it work? Uncle Fester, I'm sure these gentlemen wouldn't be interested.
No.
We'd be very interested.
Good.
Well, you'll have to crank it, Gomez.
-He's such an exhibitionist.
-FESTER: Oh, no.
I really am run down.
It's just a simple little treatment to build up his energy.
Yes, well, you see, I put this little wire in my ear.
This little generator does the rest.
Go ahead, Gomez.
-He really gets a charge out of this.
-Write, write.
You mean he is full of electricity? Believe me, believe me, they're just playing a little joke on you.
It's a joke, huh? Touch.
-That's a funny joke.
-Write! Write! I'm writing, I'm writing right now.
Stop! Stop! Stop it.
I'm sorry, Harris, but he did warn you.
It'll tingle for a while but then it'll wear off.
I feel so good now, I'm gonna go out and chase automobiles.
Wonderful hobby.
Stay away from water, Uncle Fester.
The last time he was recharged he took a shower and blew out every fuse in the house.
-Americans, in order to get energy -Energy.
-put electricity in ear.
-Ear.
-Like vitamins in stomach -Stomach.
-which we invented.
-Which we invented.
That reminds me, would you gentlemen care to join us in a snack? -Oh, no, no, really.
-We stay.
-We stay.
-Excellent.
I'll ring for Lurch.
-This Lurch, is he servant? -Yes, he's our butler.
Finally, we are to meet downtrodden member of the American slave class.
Poor, weak victim of exploitation.
It is strong bell.
You rang? Lunch, Lurch.
And, oh, yes, Lurch, a cigar, please.
Thank you, Lurch.
Would you gentlemen care for a cigar? -Oh, no, no, no.
-No, no, thank you.
Well, if you'll excuse me, I'll get Mrs.
Addams.
Thank you, Lurch.
That is poor, weak slave? -Miri Haan, take note.
-Take note.
-Servant of typical American family, robot.
-Robot.
-Wait a minute, that's not true.
-ls true.
-Third stage.
-Third stage? What are you talking about? Simple.
First stage plant, second stage hand, final product human robot.
Flood labor market.
-Flood labor market.
-This is ridiculous.
Lurch is no robot.
-Then what is he? -Well, he's a I don't know exactly, but you'll never find another one like it.
How could be? Is typical American family.
Typical! I keep telling you.
It's the only one of its kind.
-Please, let's get out of here.
-Still trying to hide from us truth.
You still trying to pull bourgeois wool over our eyes.
I do hope you gentlemen enjoyed our modest table.
Was very good.
Most thoughtful of you to serve caviar in our honor.
-Caviar? -The black fish eggs on toast.
Very good.
Oh, you mean eye of tadpole? Eye of tadpole? Blue-eyed tadpole is even tastier than black-eyed tadpole but it's off-season for blue-eyed tadpole.
Beef is good, too.
Not as good as in our country, but is good.
Mr.
Haan, that wasn't beef.
That's breast of alligator.
Alligator? How about that henbane sauce? Specialty of the house.
Shall we repair to the living-room, gentlemen? -You have been marvelous hostess.
-Thank you.
-Very nice.
-Very nice.
No sense in wasting this.
Tristan and lsolde love alligator.
Told you.
Care to make a wish? Mother, I finished my Oh.
Company.
Gentlemen, this is our son, Pugsley.
Now, young man, what brought you racing in here so unceremoniously? -I've finished my disintegrator gun.
-Well, that's nice, dear.
-Run outside and play.
-Would you like to see it work, sir? I'm sure these gentlemen have no time to No, no, no.
Let's not disappoint the little fellow.
-So you build disintegrator gun, eh? -That's right.
You mean you point disintegrator at something, pull trigger, and that something disappear? That's right, sir.
Watch.
You mean you just point it I think you'd better play with this outside, Pugsley.
-It's rather hard on the bric-a-brac.
-Yes, Father.
Nice to have met you, sir.
Poor Mr.
Harris.
Little things upset him so.
Very high-strung.
I'll have Lurch take care of him.
You rang? Yes.
Lurch, would you take Mr.
Harris to the guest room? He needs a bit of rest.
Oh, please, I don't need anything, l Come.
Very hospitable.
Never mind that.
The little fellow, he made that gun himself? He just can't keep out of mischief.
Remember the anti-gravity machine he made, and what happened when he turned it on the postman? Oh, yes, that was amusing.
The mailman just went floating off up in the air.
He really hated to come down.
He said the floating was so much easier on his feet.
He needs to rest.
Well, be my guest.
I just had the whole thing sharpened.
-Oh, no, no.
-Or maybe you'd prefer the iron maiden? These spikes will help you keep nice and still.
It's very restful.
I don't need any rest, I'm fine.
Please just put me down.
All right.
That'll be all, Lurch.
You know, Mr.
Harris, there is an art in relaxing.
Well, I'll never master it in this menagerie.
I almost got wiped out by a ray gun.
That Pugsley.
Such a showoff.
That's how we lost Cousin Creep.
There he was, giggling and laughing and suddenly there he wasn't, still giggling and laughing.
It was kind of eerie.
But that was old Creepy.
He could always take a joke.
Well The impression those two men are getting in this house, it could disrupt international relations.
I did think they were getting a little bored.
What if I was to go in and do some parlor trick? I can saw a woman in half.
-Oh, no, no, no.
-Oh, yes.
It goes The only trouble I have is getting her together again.
Very strange man.
That is restful.
I'm very worried.
This is not what we expected.
How can you expect what is so unexpected? We thought average Americans were fools.
Now we learn they are geniuses.
-MlRl: Dangerous geniuses.
-Electricity and eerie robots.
Ray guns built by little boys already.
I will make full report.
From now on, we must learn to respect all Americans.
Is not safe to offend these people.
Is not safe.
Rather be friend than meet end.
Well, gentlemen, have you found out all you want to know -about us typical Americans? -We have.
Though you try hard to keep us from learning truth.
I was just doing my duty.
-Now we say goodbye to our hosts.
-Oh, yes, let's get moving.
-I just made $100,000.
-Really? How nice.
Oops, just lost it again.
C'est la guerre.
Tish, when you speak French you drive me wild.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Gomez, darling, control yourself.
I think perhaps we better leave.
Very thoughtful.
We wish to thank you for a most enlightening day.
You've brightened our day, too.
We were about to settle down to our everyday routine.
No notes.
-Good night.
-Good night.
-Good night.
-Good night.
You know, darling, I've been thinking.
The simple life is really the best.
You're right.
Uncle Fester, are you sure this'll help you get rid of your headache? Keep going.
-That's it.
-Good.
Darling, you look so serene and happy when you're throwing knives.
Family trait.
Thank you, Thing.
Hello, this is Mrs.
Addams speaking.
Why, hello, Mr.
Harris.
Really? Well, how nice of you to call.
Goodbye.
Gomez, that was that nice Mr.
Harris.
He says our guests have cut their trip short and have gone home to make a full report.
-Well, that's too bad.
-Oh, no.
Mr.
Harris says he's glad they're gone.
He said he overheard them talking about taking Lurch with them for scientific purposes.
Scientific purposes.
The things people will do to get a good servant.
Most ungracious.
Let's not give them another thought.
Back to our own beautiful world.