The Addams Family (1964) s01e13 Episode Script

Lurch Learns to Dance

They're creepy and they're kooky Mysterious and spooky They're altogether ooky The Addams family The house is a museum When people come to see 'em They really are a scream The Addams family MAN: Neat.
Sweet.
Petite.
So get a witch 's shawl on A broomstick you can crawl on We're gonna pay a call on The Addams family A little higher and to the right, Thing.
Yes.
That's it.
Thank you, Thing.
The mail's in.
Thank you, Thing.
Oh, Lurch, it's for you.
Aren't you going to open it and see what's in it? I already know.
It's your annual invitation to the Butlers' Ball.
Which you never accept.
Lurch, wouldn't you like to go to that ball just once? Why doesn't he want to go to that ball? He's becoming progressively shyer.
Did it ever occur to you that he might not be normal? Nonsense, my dear.
He's just as normal as you and l.
But he should go to that ball.
It would be very good for him.
He needs to get out more.
Make more friends.
Perhaps you're right.
But I can handle this situation.
I'm sure you can, darling.
You're so masterful.
Tish, when you pat my cheek that way it drives me wild.
-Gomez, darling, control yourself.
-Never.
Darling, you're forgetting about Lurch.
You rang? Yes, Lurch, I think we have a problem.
-The problem is you, Lurch.
-Me? Mrs.
Addams and I have had a serious talk about you, Lurch, and we've decided that this year you should attend the Butlers' Ball.
Lurch, there's something behind this.
What is it? You can tell us.
-I'm a wallflower.
-What? I can't dance.
It's so simple.
You can learn in no time.
"Come, and trip it as ye go On the light fantastic toe" -Shakespeare.
-Milton.
-By Jove, you're right.
-Lurch, you can learn to dance.
The Watusi, the Hully Gully, the Pick and Shovel Oh, no.
-You must develop some outside interests.
-You can become stagnant.
Really? Look at Mr.
Addams.
He's always developing outside interests.
Right now I have the most enviable collection of coroner's reports in the neighborhood.
Lurch, we're speaking to you this way because you're more than an employee to us.
You're like one of the family.
And as head of the family I've decided that you're going to the Butlers' Ball.
It's for your own good, Lurch.
We wanna make you happy.
Look, it's so simple.
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
-We'll get you a teacher.
-That's a marvelous idea, dear.
Why don't you call the dance studio and have them send over an instructress right away? -A girl? -Well, of course.
-Father was right.
-About what, Lurch? My being a butler.
What did he want you to be? A jockey.
Okay, Mrs.
Marshall, we'll send an instructress right over.
Yes, I'll make sure she's young.
Dorothy.
Go over to Mrs.
Marshall's.
Her grandfather wants to learn the Mashed Potato.
Please, Mr.
Walters, give me another chance.
Sally, I'm sorry.
You're too fresh to the customer.
But, Mr.
Walters Fred Walters Dance Studio.
I'm sorry, we got nobody available.
I'm available.
Mr.
Addams, we suddenly have somebody available.
Yeah, right.
Girlie, anything you earn on this job is all yours.
Here.
Good luck.
Dance instructress should be here any minute now.
Morticia, who moved this urn? I don't know, darling.
Mama, I suppose.
I didn't notice.
Really, my dear.
You should keep an eye on these things.
You know how close Uncle Droop liked being to Aunt Drip.
-Must be the instructress.
-GOMEZ: Lurch.
-Yes, sir.
-Dance instructress is here, Lurch.
Now, come, Lurch.
There's nothing to be afraid of.
It's just a question of rhythm, Lurch.
We'll leave you alone and let you have complete privacy.
There's no need to be self-conscious.
Excellent idea.
Oh, and, Lurch, do try to be a little friendly.
Let her see that charming leer of yours.
Great form, Lurch.
But you're not keeping time to the music.
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
Rhythm, Lurch.
Rhythm.
GOMEZ: One, two, three.
One, two, three.
She's fainted, sir.
Fainted? That's strange.
Why would she do that? Here, put her on the sofa.
What's the matter with the lady? Well, there she goes again.
Pugsley, take your toad out of here.
Things like this upset him.
She's obviously not a well person.
Quick.
Someone get a glass of water.
Thank you, Thing.
Well, there she goes again.
What's all the commotion, Gomez? Fred Walters sent us a fainter.
Oh.
Well, maybe we better get her some smelling salts.
Thank you, Thing.
I'll have to make a complaint.
Oh, no, don't do that.
I always faint when I meet new people.
Oh, you poor dear, you must be painfully shy.
Oh, no, I'm really very friendly.
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
Not me, him.
Oh, sorry.
All right, buster.
I didn't know fainting was contagious.
Practicing your sword swallowing, darling? No, I just felt a little congestion in my throat.
That cleared it up fine.
Dear, I can't find Lurch.
He did seem depressed by all that Butlers' Ball talk.
You don't suppose he did anything drastic, do you? Of course not.
Otherwise your little vulture would be circling the area.
That's true.
I'm going to have the children look for him.
Little Pugsley has the nose of a bloodhound.
As a matter of fact, it's his best feature.
Lurch? Lurch? Where are you, Lurch? Lurch! The playroom? It isn't nice to tattle, Thing, but thank you anyways.
Lurch? Where are you, Lurch? It's me, Wednesday.
Do you hear me? Thank you, Thing.
That's not nice.
Don't you trust me? I'm your friend.
Just because we want you to go to the Butlers' Ball? WEDNESDAY: lt'll be fun.
I like being miserable.
You might find a nice girl to be miserable with.
-I'll teach you to dance.
-You? Grandmama taught me.
She's a great dancer.
Really.
I'll have you dancing in no time.
Now smile.
That's much better.
Morticia, Consolidated Fuzz just hit 212.
I sold it for six.
Saved all that tax.
Brilliant.
Darling, I want you to know that Wednesday has taught Lurch how to dance.
Capital.
She wants us to come and see right now.
Of course.
I knew Lurch would pick it up quickly.
He's such a nimble one.
Ready.
No! Morticia, Consolidated Fuzz is back to six.
-Oh.
-I bought in again at 212.
What an unusual system you have, dear.
Darling, I want to talk to you about Lurch.
Ballet doesn't seem to be his cup of tea.
No.
I think he needs something more modern.
-So I've decided to teach him.
-Wonderful.
I can just see his face.
You, Mrs.
Addams? You don't know what you're missing, Lurch.
Mrs.
Addams won the Twist award at the Funeral Directors' Ball.
They awarded her the silver urn.
Darling, you'll have me blushing.
On with the dance.
That's it, Lurch.
Now you're getting it.
-What's the matter? -I think he slipped a cog.
Poor dear, I believe he overdid it.
He must have thrown his back out.
Excellent diagnosis, child.
Don't worry, Lurch.
You're in the finest hands since Dr.
Schweitzer.
Oh, it's true, Lurch.
Mr.
Addams' treatment for Grandmama's back had the whole medical world agog.
Agog? Aghast.
Not so hard, dear.
He's tall enough already.
Sorry, my love.
I don't know my own strength.
GOMEZ: He's turning a beautiful shade of red.
It's more magenta.
A very popular color this year.
Well, we better give it another go.
Well, one more.
Darling, you've done it again.
-He's as good as new.
-Another triumph for medical science.
Some day the Nobel Prize.
-Couldn't accept it.
-Why not? Run off to Sweden and leave the children? Of course you're right.
More.
More.
Oh, no, Lurch.
This could become habit-forming.
Now, on your feet and on with the dancing lesson.
Darling Dear, I think Lurch is a bit shy with you.
Should we call for another instructress? Waste of smelling salts.
Lurch not only needs a great teacher but also a great psychologist, a brilliant tactician, a rigid taskmaster.
You? I never could fool you.
Now remember, Lurch.
You're not dancing with Mr.
Addams.
It's not me, Lurch.
It's a beautiful senorita.
Fiery, alluring, smoldering.
And you, Lurch, are the proud prince of the Pampas.
You draw the senorita closer.
-What's wrong, Lurch? -You didn't shave.
Senoritas never do.
By Jove, I think he's got it.
What was that? Quick.
The rack! Darling, I thought the rack helped your back.
Oh, it did.
It did.
I'm just resting up a bit.
Wonderful idea.
Here.
Lurch is getting into his new costume.
Little Wednesday picked it out.
I know.
I'm afraid his heart's still not in it, though.
Darling, do you think we're doing the right thing, making him go? We must not indulge fear.
I remember my Cousin Blob.
-Deathly afraid of ghosts.
-Ghosts? Now he's one himself.
Yes.
I hear him on dark stormy nights.
Darling, those strange sounds from the attic aren't Cousin Blob.
-No? -They're Grandma Squint.
You can tell from her superb cackle.
Yes.
Like music to my ears.
Lurch, you look magnificent.
MORTlClA: That costume.
It's you.
-Must l? -Lurch, it's for your own good.
Darling, what do you think? Fascinating, my dear.
But what is it? It's my costume for the Butlers' Ball.
But you mustn't breathe a word of it to Lurch.
I want to make sure that he's not too alone.
That's very thoughtful, querida.
But don't worry.
The girls will flutter about him like moths around a flame.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, for the annual Fred Walters Dance Contest.
By special request, we're gonna have a tango.
Here he comes.
That was a wonderful thing you did, Tish.
Oh, darling, I didn't do anything.
Besides, I'm just glad to be out of that horrible costume and back into my beautiful dress.
You didn't do so badly yourself.
How did you get them to change it to a tango contest? I promised them a large contribution to their pet charity.
How nice of them to have charities for pets.
Well, it's been a tiring day.
I think I'll go down and relax a bit on the nail bed.
Yes.
Darling, you think of everything.
Good morning, my dear.
You seem quite happy.
I am, darling.
My thorns came in so nice and pointy this year.
They talk about green thumbs.
You've got a red thumb.
Hello? -It's the fainter.
-The dance instructress? Hello? Yes.
Oh, that's wonderful, Miss O'Rourke.
Fine.
Goodbye.
She says her boss found out about Lurch winning the contest and he's given her a long-term contract.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Darling, you know, she did encourage Lurch.
I think we ought to buy her a nice gift.
Yes.
But what? I've got it.
A great big bottle of smelling salts.
She can use it.