The Addams Family (1964) s02e05 Episode Script

Gomez, the People's Choice

Nothing like a quiet evening at home.
Oh, the mail's in.
Thank you, Thing.
Did I hear the mail? Well, it's probably just the usual stock dividends, I suppose.
Or another refund from the treasury department.
Gomez, darling, it's the tax bill on this house.
- Bully! How much are they asking for? - Well, let's see.
After the municipal fund, the sinking fund, the land improvements, it comes to a grand total of $84! $84! On this gem of a house? - Why, that's an insult.
- See for yourself.
The simple case of a displaced decimal.
- It should read $8,400.
- More likely $84,000.
It shouldn't be a penny less for such a magnificent mansion as this.
Now, darling, you go right back to your Zen-Yogi.
- I'll handle this by phone.
- Good thinking, my dear.
Why, thank you, Thing.
Hello, tax department? This is Mrs.
Addams.
Yes, there's been a rather amusing typographical error on our tax bill.
$84.
Oh, thank you.
They realize there's been an error.
They're checking it out now.
Oh, yes.
And what is the revised? - $8.
40? - Let me at it.
Hello, there.
Now, see here! Hello? Hello? Hello? $8.
40.
The insult supreme.
You're not going to take that lying down, are you? Lying down? Certainly not.
I'm going to stand right here and do a little thinking.
Gomez, I think we ought to pay a little visit to the Mayor.
Quick, Your Honor, it's that Addams family.
They've been here twice.
I'll stall them until you can duck down the fire escape.
Cut out the melodramatics, Clyde.
- They're our voters, aren't they? - Well, anything is possible.
And there is an election coming up.
Now, show them in.
- This is the season to be friendly.
- Friendly to the Addams family? - And they're taxpayers, aren't they? - Lf you say so.
Mr.
And Mrs.
Addams coming up, sir.
Mrs.
Addams, Mr.
Addams, do forgive the delay.
Please sit down.
The work of your mayor is never done.
Thank you, Mr.
Mayor.
Darling, show His Honor that ridiculous tax bill on our house.
- Here you are, sir.
- Ridiculous.
It is out.
Just a moment.
You never even looked at it.
Well, I didn't have to.
I've looked at your house.
- We'll cut it in half.
- The house? No, no, dear lady.
The tax bill.
As a matter of fact, we'll cancel it altogether.
Or, to be really fair, we'll send you a rebate.
Great Scott, look at the time! I'm going to be late for that cornerstone ceremony.
Do forgive me, do forgive me.
Goodbye.
Clyde! Incompetence in office.
The bane of our existence.
To think that in the last election I voted for that unmitigated scoundrel.
Not only that, darling, you voted for him twice.
Well, I cast my first vote so early it slipped my mind.
Somewhere, someplace there must be a politician who's a little less of a conniving, bumbling hack than Mayor Henson.
But who? I don't know who.
But if I find him, he's going to get some mighty strong support in this coming election.
Now, darling, put your hand up like this and repeat after me.
If I'm elected, ladies and gentlemen If I'm elected, ladies and gentlemen Let's face it.
Today you can't be elected without a political machine behind you.
And unfortunately, I don't have one.
Oh, yes, you do, dear.
Uncle Fester? There.
Your old friend Wizzo.
The best machine a man can have behind him.
Come along, dear.
Say something to Wizzo, darling.
- Go on, anything.
- Anything? Yeah, make a little speech.
All right.
Ladies and gentlemen.
By george, that's a first-rate political machine, all right.
It's been programmed for instant politics.
Would you like a smoke-filled room? It also answers political questions.
All right, here's a political question.
How did a nincompoop like Henson ever get elected in the first place? Oh, that's an easy one.
"Mayor Henson got elected by conniving, wheeling and dealing "and lots of razzle-dazzle.
" I wish the whole world could have heard that.
It will, Gomez, it will.
And now, Wizzo, how can a fine, upstanding citizen like Gomez Addams defeat Mayor Henson? "A fine, upstanding citizen like Gomez Addams can defeat Mayor Henson "by even more conniving, wheeling, dealing and razzle-dazzle.
" I'm afraid there's still a few bugs left in Wizzo.
Fix it, Uncle Fester.
You're not going to let a little thing like that stop you, are you, bubele? Tish - When you say that word - Well, are you? If the enlightened citizens, my fair constituents of this glorious community do me the honor of electing me your mayor, I promise that And rest assured, ladies and gentlemen, that the Addams campaign will remain dignified, on a high level and completely free from the scurrilous tactics of my conniving, double-dealing scoundrel of an opponent.
Three high-level copies of that speech, Thing, when you get around to it.
Thank you, Thing.
That's one, two, three.
Very good.
"Conniving, scurrilous" Excellent.
Excellent work, Thing.
- Gomez, darling.
- Yes, my dear.
It's time for your baby-kissing practice session.
Where would my campaign be without your firm hand on the tiller of the good ship Addams? - Let's get started, dear.
- Right.
Yes, yes.
- Oh, Mr.
Addams.
- Yes.
Both my baby and I did so love your speech.
We're both going to vote for you.
Thank you, madam.
And thank you, my manly little fellow.
Or girl, as the case may be.
- That perfume you're wearing.
- Oh, sir.
Mr.
Addams.
Gomez! It's the only way to run a campaign.
The press.
- I'm Brown from The Sun.
- Well, you certainly look it.
Well, obviously you're here to question me about my campaign.
- Fire away.
- Well, are you a candidate? - No comment.
- No comment? That's off the record.
Dear, I believe the young man wants to know what position you take.
My position? Well, I grasp the club firmly, put the weight on my right foot and wham! No, no, dear.
He wants you to make a statement.
Very well.
Look to the record.
- I'll make it easier for you.
- Very well.
How do you feel about slums? Oh, preserving our historical landmark is his first consideration.
Start out picking on slums, you wind up doing away with swamps.
And when you do away with swamps where are the children going to play? - Vicious cycle.
- You see.
- Lf you say so.
One last question.
- Yes, indeed.
How are you coming along collecting those 5,000 names that you need to get on the ballot? At this very moment, two top members of my staff are busily Here they are now.
- Back so soon.
- And why not? In two hours of tramping around we got more than 20,000 names.
And a lot of blisters.
Does that answer your question, my good man? Yes, sir.
Don't forget the campaign slogan.
Yes.
"Gomez Addams.
Watch his smoke.
" Catchy, isn't it? Everybody's getting into the campaign.
Even I smoke occasionally.
- My, he's in a hurry.
- Probably has to make a deadline.
Nice man.
He just doesn't seem to know much about politics.
I know all that, but who are you going to vote for? Who am I going to vote for? Well, I'll tell you.
This Addams guy says he's for slums, swamps, smog, and the African tsetse fly.
Sounds kind of nutty, doesn't he? Nutty? Nutty like a fox.
It's a rib.
Don't you get it? Sure.
He's teeing off with these politicians that make promises they know they're never going to keep.
- I'm voting for the Addams guy.
- Same here.
How about you? I'm going to the nearest bar and get smashed.
- I can't believe it! - Here are the actual figures, sir.
According to all the polls Addams is pulling out in front of you.
- But what do you suggest? - A debate on TV.
A debate on TV? Addams is a kook.
Get him on the air and prove it.
Look, we'll have the studio audience loaded with ringers, stacked questions.
Booing in all the right places.
Of all the mean, low-down conniving tricks Well, what are you standing there for? Go and arrange it.
Fortune cookie.
Don't look now but there's a telephone call for you.
Thank you, Thing.
Hello? Good morning, Mayor.
A debate? I'd love to.
How's this for a theme? "Resolved that boys and girls should not go steady until" What? Oh, the political issues.
Isn't that a bit extreme? Very well, we'll do it your way.
Fine.
I'll see you then.
- Morticia.
- You called? The Mayor and I are going to debate on television.
Oh, darling, do you think you should? Why not? Some television producer might see me.
Open up a whole new career for me.
Oh, by the way, the Mayor is coming over tomorrow morning to issue a formal challenge.
He's bringing along some reporters to make sure I don't weasel out.
Me, weasel out? That's not a bad idea.
Darling, television has been the waterloo of many an aspiring candidate.
But don't you worry, we'll have you perfectly rehearsed and ready.
Counselor in my despair, shining beacon in my darkest moments.
Maybe it will be better to weasel out.
No, the Addams family honor is at stake.
The very words of Lafayette Addams.
When he challenged the Duke of Burgundy to a duel? Just before he skipped out of town.
Now, darling, I want the public to see the real Gomez Addams.
Oh, very well.
No, I don't think that's quite good for your public image.
- Hang from the chandelier? - Just smile, dear.
Very sweet.
Now, dear, I want to make sure we get your best side.
How about this? - No, that's no good.
- Like this? No, that's no good, either.
Morticia, how's this? This is his best side.
No, I believe facing the camera is a bit more customary.
Well, I can bring the camera around here.
No, dear, let's try that.
By george, Morticia, you are a resourceful director.
- Now, we need a little makeup.
- Makeup.
Oh, Uncle Fester, you only got one side.
That Lafayette Addams was no fool.
Darling, the minute you get on the air, I want you to square your shoulders, set your jaw, and put on your glasses, it makes you look so impressive.
Yes, that's it.
And I'll insist that the camera zoom in for a big head close-up.
Yes, my dear.
Let's try it, yes.
Now, stare.
That's it.
Close-up.
That was just a wee bit too close.
But you're getting it, darling.
I've gotten it.
Gomez, I was just going to test my new guillotine.
Would you like Fester, don't you know I'm going to debate the Mayor? Can't you see I'm wrestling with major issues? Major who? Labor, foreign policies, social security.
Yeah, what do you think should be done about them? That's what I was going to ask you.
You're no help at all.
Nothing but interruptions and distractions.
Uncle Fester, I want you to taste my new recipe.
Braised lion loins.
Say, that is tasty.
Something is the matter with Gomez.
He doesn't even want to play with my guillotine.
He has been acting strangely.
I'd better give this my personal attention.
Fourscore and nine years ago No.
Fourscore and ten years ago That doesn't sound right, either.
- Oh, bubele.
- Good morning, my dear.
Gomez, darling, I called you bubele.
The world will little note, nor long remember No.
Gomez, dear, would you like a little snack, some pâté de foie gras? Crepes suzettes? Gomez? Friends, Romans, countrymen That's it! Morticia, what happened? It's even worse than you thought.
It all started when he began running for mayor.
Oh, dear, sweet, kind Gomez.
I've turned him into a Frankenstein.
There is a resemblance.
I can't interfere now.
Oh, yes, I can.
I forced him into this race and I'll force him out for his own good.
- How? - I'll need some cooperation.
- You can count on me.
- Me, too.
Oh, dear, sweet Thing.
Not only do I accept the challenge of a television debate, but I refuse to sink to the level of this corrupt old windbag and engage in any name-calling.
Mama! I'm sorry I can't stick around, son, but I'll never get these office floors scrubbed just sitting here on my bucket.
Well, I'm off to my job.
Job? I didn't even know you had a mop.
Just one moment, madam.
Did I understand you to say that Gomez Addams is your son? Sure, has been for years.
Oh, thank you.
If you bring it back I'll autograph it for you.
Well, gentlemen, did you hear that? And this is the man who asks you to elect him to the high office of mayor of our fair city.
And who forces that old, gray-haired mother of his to scrub office floors.
What do you have to say to that, sir? There's a perfectly simple explanation.
I just can't think of it.
Meaning, of course, that you are not going to help.
Of course I'm going to help her.
I'm going to get her a new mop.
That old one did look pretty scruffy.
Gomez, I just had to see you! It has been hours, hasn't it? I'm really touched.
Say, I like your new outfit.
Who's your tailor? Never mind that.
I just wanted you to know you'd get my vote if I had one.
They'll never take me alive.
Who was that? Oh, that's Uncle Fester, the family Beau Brummell.
Off to the races, from the looks of the outfit he was wearing.
I'm leaving that beast and no one can stop me.
- What happened? - What happened? You know what happened, you wife-beater.
And you gentlemen of the press, if you know your job, you'll splatter this all over the front pages.
And as for you, when the public finds out what a vile fiend you really are it'll be curtains for you.
The end.
Tish, that's French.
And when they find out that you're also a scoundrel and a cardsharp and a vain, self-centered, sweet, kind, beautiful And a vote for Gomez Addams is a vote for clean government! Well, gentlemen, I hope you will give this story the treatment it deserves.
- We will.
And it'll be a landslide.
- Well, thank you.
An Addams landslide.
- Addams landslide? - Get with it, Mayor.
This is the absolute tops in satire on dirty politics, mud-slinging and character assassination.
Addams is even getting my vote.
- What'll I do? - Concede.
- What? - You're all washed-up anyway.
There'll be other elections and the crowd loves a good loser.
A new political star has risen.
Gentlemen, I give you His Honor, Gomez Addams.
- Gomez? - Yes.
- Do you really like this outfit? - Oh, yes.
Not now, Uncle Fester.
Please, dear.
What were you saying? Well, the people have spoken when they first rushed to sign that original petition.
- That's silly.
- What's silly? Well, where we got those names from, no one was rushing or speaking.
Uncle Fester, where did you get those names? The Happy Rest Cemetery.
Right off the headstones.
- Cemetery? - Yeah.
Addams, I'm afraid that disqualifies you, old boy.
Better luck next time.
Oh, Gomez, darling, I'm dreadfully sorry.
I feel personally responsible for all of this.
Can you ever forgive me? - I doubt it.
- Bubele.
So help me, if I live to be a thousand, I'll never, never forgive you.
What is it, darling? I simply must know how I'd have fared as Mayor.
Statesmanship, leadership, initiative, intelligence and ability.
- Don't forget good looks, dear.
- Right, good looks.
Darling, is "impeachment" good? "Chaos, mismanagement, corruption?" Well, in that case, impeachment would be the best thing.
Who wants to be mayor of a bankrupt city? You withdrew just in time, darling.