The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air s05e10 Episode Script
Will's Up a Dirt Road
What are you doing? Oh, I'm trying to see how close I can get to your head without hitting it.
[LISA CHUCKLES.]
Uh You know, you're not doing a very good job.
The next time you throw one of those at me, I'm gonna make you eat it.
Ooh.
[LISA CHUCKLES.]
Oh, see, now see, now see, now you're in trouble.
- I'm in trouble? - Uh-huh.
Now you're in trouble.
WILL: Okay.
- Mm.
- Mm.
Whoo.
If that's what happens for throwing a couple grapes at you Will, you know what I like about you? What? That I'm so romantic? No, that you're so goofy.
Goofy, well Oh, you mean like in a suave, debonair, Denzel-ian kind of way, right? No, not really.
What? What do you mean? I'm, what, immature? No, no, no.
I mean that you're spontaneous and you're fun and, you know, goofy.
Why don't we just study? Let's just get back to studying.
Fine.
Your mom goofy.
Attention, everyone.
Attention.
I have an announcement.
My horoscope said that I will prosper in my house.
So I figured I better go buy one.
Hallelujah! Excuse me.
Hilary, that's wonderful.
Nothing fancy.
No more than six or seven bedrooms.
And I don't even care if it has a wine cellar.
For now.
How are you going to afford a house like that? I have discovered a unique method of savings.
I never spend my own money.
[HILARY GIGGLES.]
By the way, Daddy, don't use your platinum card this month.
CARLTON: Let me get this straight.
All this time, you've been hoarding your salary while feasting away on the family fortune? What do you say to that, big guy? All I heard is that she's moving.
WILL: Hey, good morning, G.
Good morning, Master William.
Hey, what's up, y'all? Listen.
If you had to sum me up in, you know, like, one word how would y'all describe me? CARLTON: Freeloader.
PHIL: Undependable.
ASHLEY: He's not a freeloader.
CARLTON: Lazy.
Of course he's lazy.
He works for me.
He's a freeloading, lazy bum.
ASHLEY: Oh, come on.
CARLTON: Believe me, he's lazy.
WILL: Excuse me.
Excuse me.
PHIL: What? - I said one word.
Come on, y'all.
Like suave, debonair, strong.
What's this for, Will? Well, you know, the other night, Lisa said I was kind of, you know, goofy.
ALL: Yes, that's it.
CARLTON: Exactly.
We're going to go with goofy, Will.
How you doing, goofy? [LAUGHING.]
Shut up, Carlton.
Well, look, I don't know.
Maybe Lisa tried to give you a hint.
She calls you goofy.
Next thing you know, she's not calling you.
Yeah, right.
You think? Will, if there's one thing I know, it's about women not calling.
- Hey.
What's up, baby? - Hey.
- Hey, listen.
I'm off in 15 minutes.
- Oh, Will, I'm so excited.
- To hell with it.
I'm off now then.
- You're so ridiculous.
I'm excited because my friend Marvin got published in the op-ed section.
Pfft.
I mean, if I put my mind to it, I could write in any one of them old magazines.
You don't need to prove to me that you're an intellectual.
I like you just the way you are.
- What is that supposed to mean? - Oh, just forget it.
Ooh.
I cannot wait to read this.
The last article he wrote, ooh, it gave me goose bumps.
I'm gonna climb into a hot bubble bath and get started on this right now.
See you later.
A bubble bath? "Marvin, take me away.
" I'm saying, how hard could it be to write a dumb article? I could write a whole book.
What kind of book? A good one.
One that real people would wanna read.
You know, with pictures and stuff.
Oh, a coloring book.
No, I'm being serious, Carlton.
How hard could it be to write good? - Well.
- Well, what? Never mind.
[CAMERA CLICKING.]
WILL: Oh, sorry.
- Hey, Carlton, thanks for coming along.
- No problem.
The sooner you make money, you're out of the house and ultimately out of my life.
Hey, man, what do you think of this title for my book? I'm gonna call it Celebrities' Houses At Night.
I may have misjudged you, Will.
You really are pulling out all the stops for this girl.
Look at you.
Your hair's neat, your nails are trimmed.
You started flossing again.
Hey, man, look, I even trim my nose hair.
Check it out.
- Nice job.
- Thanks.
I don't know.
It's just wild, man.
You know, it's like Lisa's the first thought in my mind when I wake up in the morning.
The last thought before I go to sleep.
Man, you know, I can talk to her about anything.
You know, it's like her face has just been engraved inside my head.
It's like, say I'm having a bad day.
No matter what it is, just terrible.
It's like, that first second that I see her beautiful face and she puts her arms around me I touch her lips it's like, just everything is better.
Everything.
You know what I'm saying, Carlton? [SNIFFLING.]
I sure do.
Give me a hug, big guy.
Carlton! [TIRES SCREECHING & HORN HONKING.]
- Carlton, what is wrong with you, man? - I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I just got caught up in the moment.
Why don't you get caught up in keeping your eyes on the road? All right, okay.
Look, just take a picture of Bob Barker's house.
WILL: Oh, man.
Look like Bob up in there getting his freak on.
Bobby, come on down.
[CAMERA CLICKING.]
WILL: All right, all right.
Check it out.
Listen.
I even got a title.
It's called Celebrities' Houses At Night.
I'm not sure.
You're right.
Look at this picture.
How about this one? Look at Richard Simmons in his back yard cooking them big old stank sausages.
Oh, man, that one is gold.
Look, kid, I gotta tell you, this picture doesn't really do it for me.
- I mean, look at it, it's too dark.
- Oh, see, you're not open.
You're not open, man.
I'm telling you.
It's Celebrities' Houses At Night.
Okay, look, look.
Kid, you got a nice idea here with the house thing.
It's just not something I can get behind, all right? Okay.
Okay.
All right.
See, because you're not letting your cerebellum rotate.
Listen.
Look at this.
It's not just pictures.
I wrote little stories with them too.
Bam! You didn't notice that one.
See, it's different now.
See, because I'm not just a photographer.
I'm a photographer and a writer.
I'm ambidextrous.
Nice try, huh? Maybe next time.
Well, fine.
Maybe I am goofy.
Hey, don't forget your pictures here.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait a minute.
- Is this one Jay Leno? - Yeah, that's him.
What is he doing here? He was pouring some coffee in the sewer or something.
- I don't know, what does my story say? - I could use this in one of my publications.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
Hey, America loves Jay Leno.
So, what, it'd be more like an article? Yeah, that's right.
But I still get credit and everything, right? That and $500.
Here, here, here.
I want you to read this release form.
Sign it when you're ready.
WILL: Ooh.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Hey, looks good to me, man.
Will? Will? WILL [ON SPEAKERS.]
: Good evening, you fine Nubian princess.
I set up a little surprise for you tonight, so just follow instructions and enjoy.
Number one: Clap twice.
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO.]
Number two: I've got a succulent lobster dinner prepared.
So go to the microwave, press start.
[BEEP.]
Number three: Take your sexy little self on over to the couch and have a seat.
Number four: Get naked.
What? WILL: No, my fault.
I was just kidding.
I was just kidding.
All right.
Number five: Turn around.
Ooh.
You sure do know how to make a girl feel special.
Will, what is all of this about? We are celebrating, baby.
I've been published.
Published? When did you start writing? Last week.
Hey, look.
I wanna give you some goose bumps too.
Mm.
Okay, so where's the article? - Let me see it.
- Eh, eh, eh.
In due time.
- In due time.
It's all a surprise, baby.
- Okay.
LISA: Hoo.
[WILL CLEARS THROAT.]
Lisa.
Sweetheart, there's only one word to describe you.
Scum.
WILL: Carlton.
Man, you know the routine.
When there's a sock in the door, you sleep on the lawn.
Have you read this week's National Inquisitor? Man, I don't read that trash.
Then how come you're writing it? Wait, wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
They used one of my photos from my book and put it in here.
"'Jay Leno: Earth Enemy Number One' by Will Smith?" You sold pictures to a sleazy magazine like this? No, no, no, baby.
I did not.
I sold them to a book publisher.
Look, Jay Leno wasn't holding an oil can.
He was holding a coffee pot.
That guy tricked me.
Well, at least I got paid.
- Master William, you have a visitor.
- Will Smith? - Yes, sir.
- You're served.
What? What's wrong, baby? Jay Leno is suing me for $10 million.
How do you go from trying to make a little impression on Lisa to being sued by Jay Leno for $10 million? Um I'm goofy? But wait, wait.
I'm the victim here.
That publisher took my pictures and used them for evil instead of good.
I mean, he like Hugh Hefner.
And I'm an innocent young girl from the Midwest.
And you expect me to clean up this mess.
Well, yeah.
You know the routine.
I do something stupid, you clean it all up.
The only difference is this time, I didn't do nothing.
I think you've taken troublemaking to a whole new plateau.
Wait a minute.
Come on.
You gotta know somebody down there.
A cameraman, a makeup girl.
Maybe you sentenced one of the guys in the band or something.
There is a bigger issue involved here.
I can't keep pulling your butt out of the fire.
You're right.
You're right, Uncle Phil.
Look And this is the last two or few times.
I promise.
You know, Will, there comes a time Oh, not the "there comes a time" speech.
I'd pay $10 million to not have to hear that again.
I'd pay $10 million so I didn't have to say it again.
Fine.
If you don't wanna help me, just say that.
I got myself into this mess, I'll get myself out.
I don't need nobody.
Why don't I watch you handle this one, I'll get the next one, all right? I can't believe that that realtor wasted my time on that dump.
That house was gorgeous.
What's the problem? Problem? Well, for starters, the layout.
Say I'm having a small garden party for 50 of my closest friends and someone spills cocktail sauce on their Armani suit.
My maid Hildegard would have to go through the gazebo into the living room past the library and up the steps to get to the laundry room.
Hilary, that's ridiculous.
You're right.
Who cares how far Hildegard has to walk? Is there anything I can do to help? Can you drive a getaway car? Master William, come quickly.
- They're talking about you on the telly.
PEOPLE [ON TV.]
: Save our sewers.
- Save our sewers.
Save our sewers.
- This is Andrea White of KFPB.
It has been reported to the National Inquisitor that Tonight Show host Jay Leno is a toxic polluter.
Will Smith is the young man who photographed Leno dumping oil into the sewer systems.
His story also alleges that Mr.
Leno may be single-handedly responsible for destroying the rain forest, the ozone layer and the one tree that grows in Brooklyn.
Oh, that poor little tree.
Forget that tree, Ashley.
Come on, I'm getting railroaded.
Well, I finally contacted Leno's lawyer.
- Yeah? What'd he say? - Well, I'm sorry, but it doesn't look good.
I'm afraid you're liable.
[CARLTON CHUCKLING.]
What is so funny? You're liable for libel.
Get it? Those are homonyms.
Carlton, your next crack is gonna be in your head.
Try it and I'll sue.
[LAUGHING.]
Well I know what I gotta do.
He's not gonna do anything stupid, is he? You don't know him very well, do you? It's The Tonight Show.
I'm doing the Bill Clinton McDonald's bit.
It's my best joke.
You're my agent.
I'm the one who should be nervous.
I'll call you after the show, okay? Yeah.
Bye.
[MOUTHING.]
Hey, bro.
How you doing? Have you seen Jay Leno? No, and I probably won't until I'm on stage.
- I'm John Ridley.
I'm the comedian.
- Oh.
So you're John Ridley.
Yeah.
Oh, well, these are for you.
They're from Mr.
Leno.
Oh, thanks.
Listen, John.
How long have you been a standup? About 10 years.
Why? [WILL SIGHS.]
I just hate this part of my job.
What part? Dude, you've been bumped.
Bumped? Listen.
One of Roseanne's other personalities showed up.
We have to let her keep talking.
You gotta be kidding.
My family in Milwaukee will be watching.
- I got a killer opening.
- That's show biz.
Come on.
No, wait a minute, I got this great joke about how I'm so pro-black I won't even pick the cotton out of a bottle of aspirin.
I think I did you a favor, bro.
Come on.
But my family is gonna - Security.
- Wait [BAND INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
Welcome back.
My next guest is a young comedian making his first appearance on The Tonight Show.
Please give a warm welcome to a very funny young man, Mr.
John Ridley.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Hey, how you doing? Hey.
Well, you know, the other day, I just had this bottle of aspirin, you know.
But I couldn't take it because I'm black.
What I mean is, you know, the bottle had cotton in it, you know.
Get it? Cotton.
I'm black.
Well, well, actually, you know, what I mean is Um JAY: Hey, wait a minute, wait.
This isn't John.
Security! Hey, Jay.
You got to listen to me.
I'm the guy you're suing, Will Smith.
The guy that's been putting the stuff in the paper? - That's me.
- There's been a lot written about me.
A lot of it untrue.
And this seems to be the gentleman respon Come over here.
Let's settle it right now.
You got two minutes to explain yourself.
- Hey.
- All right, tell us what's going on.
Jay, listen.
I was just trying to impress my girlfriend, Lisa.
I like her a lot.
I wanted to prove to her that I wasn't, you know, goofy.
You, goofy? I can't imagine how she got that idea.
- What are you talking about? - Me neither, man.
I was putting together this book.
It's called celebrities' houses at night.
- Good concept, right? - Terrific idea.
You know, what happened was, you know, I just wanted to show Lisa that I was special, you know? Because I just really don't wanna lose her because I really like her.
And, well, the pictures I gave them to the guy, he was supposed to put out my book.
He put it in the national inquisitor.
I never meant for anything bad to happen.
The pictures weren't for that.
Listen, America, I just want you to know it was not oil, it was coffee.
- Jay was pouring coffee out.
It wasn't oil.
- Right.
Well, thank you, Smith, for clearing that up.
I appreciate that.
Well, you know, my friends call me Will.
Thanks a lot, Smith.
I really appreciate that.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Actually, that's kind of romantic, I think, though.
I think I mean, what you You are goofy, and you are an idiot.
That's beside the point.
It's kind of a romantic thing.
And maybe we should drop the suit.
What do you think, audience? - All right, Will.
- Okay.
You're off the hook.
- Thanks a lot, Jay.
- All right, all right.
Hey, who's our next guest? [WILL SCREAMS.]
[APPLAUSE ON TV.]
That's it.
Join us tomorrow when our guests will be Kevin Costner, Wilt Chamberlain and we'll see if we can find the real John Ridley.
See you later, bye-bye.
Thanks for watching.
[TV TURNS OFF.]
- Wow, Will, were you nervous? - No, no, not really.
I'm just glad that whole mess is over.
I'm sorry I started the whole thing but you looked good on The Tonight Show.
You were really wacky.
I'm saying What do you mean by "wacky"? CARLTON: No, he's not wacky.
No.
ASHLEY: She did not mean that.
CARLTON: No, I mean, you're an irresponsible lazy bum, but you're not
[LISA CHUCKLES.]
Uh You know, you're not doing a very good job.
The next time you throw one of those at me, I'm gonna make you eat it.
Ooh.
[LISA CHUCKLES.]
Oh, see, now see, now see, now you're in trouble.
- I'm in trouble? - Uh-huh.
Now you're in trouble.
WILL: Okay.
- Mm.
- Mm.
Whoo.
If that's what happens for throwing a couple grapes at you Will, you know what I like about you? What? That I'm so romantic? No, that you're so goofy.
Goofy, well Oh, you mean like in a suave, debonair, Denzel-ian kind of way, right? No, not really.
What? What do you mean? I'm, what, immature? No, no, no.
I mean that you're spontaneous and you're fun and, you know, goofy.
Why don't we just study? Let's just get back to studying.
Fine.
Your mom goofy.
Attention, everyone.
Attention.
I have an announcement.
My horoscope said that I will prosper in my house.
So I figured I better go buy one.
Hallelujah! Excuse me.
Hilary, that's wonderful.
Nothing fancy.
No more than six or seven bedrooms.
And I don't even care if it has a wine cellar.
For now.
How are you going to afford a house like that? I have discovered a unique method of savings.
I never spend my own money.
[HILARY GIGGLES.]
By the way, Daddy, don't use your platinum card this month.
CARLTON: Let me get this straight.
All this time, you've been hoarding your salary while feasting away on the family fortune? What do you say to that, big guy? All I heard is that she's moving.
WILL: Hey, good morning, G.
Good morning, Master William.
Hey, what's up, y'all? Listen.
If you had to sum me up in, you know, like, one word how would y'all describe me? CARLTON: Freeloader.
PHIL: Undependable.
ASHLEY: He's not a freeloader.
CARLTON: Lazy.
Of course he's lazy.
He works for me.
He's a freeloading, lazy bum.
ASHLEY: Oh, come on.
CARLTON: Believe me, he's lazy.
WILL: Excuse me.
Excuse me.
PHIL: What? - I said one word.
Come on, y'all.
Like suave, debonair, strong.
What's this for, Will? Well, you know, the other night, Lisa said I was kind of, you know, goofy.
ALL: Yes, that's it.
CARLTON: Exactly.
We're going to go with goofy, Will.
How you doing, goofy? [LAUGHING.]
Shut up, Carlton.
Well, look, I don't know.
Maybe Lisa tried to give you a hint.
She calls you goofy.
Next thing you know, she's not calling you.
Yeah, right.
You think? Will, if there's one thing I know, it's about women not calling.
- Hey.
What's up, baby? - Hey.
- Hey, listen.
I'm off in 15 minutes.
- Oh, Will, I'm so excited.
- To hell with it.
I'm off now then.
- You're so ridiculous.
I'm excited because my friend Marvin got published in the op-ed section.
Pfft.
I mean, if I put my mind to it, I could write in any one of them old magazines.
You don't need to prove to me that you're an intellectual.
I like you just the way you are.
- What is that supposed to mean? - Oh, just forget it.
Ooh.
I cannot wait to read this.
The last article he wrote, ooh, it gave me goose bumps.
I'm gonna climb into a hot bubble bath and get started on this right now.
See you later.
A bubble bath? "Marvin, take me away.
" I'm saying, how hard could it be to write a dumb article? I could write a whole book.
What kind of book? A good one.
One that real people would wanna read.
You know, with pictures and stuff.
Oh, a coloring book.
No, I'm being serious, Carlton.
How hard could it be to write good? - Well.
- Well, what? Never mind.
[CAMERA CLICKING.]
WILL: Oh, sorry.
- Hey, Carlton, thanks for coming along.
- No problem.
The sooner you make money, you're out of the house and ultimately out of my life.
Hey, man, what do you think of this title for my book? I'm gonna call it Celebrities' Houses At Night.
I may have misjudged you, Will.
You really are pulling out all the stops for this girl.
Look at you.
Your hair's neat, your nails are trimmed.
You started flossing again.
Hey, man, look, I even trim my nose hair.
Check it out.
- Nice job.
- Thanks.
I don't know.
It's just wild, man.
You know, it's like Lisa's the first thought in my mind when I wake up in the morning.
The last thought before I go to sleep.
Man, you know, I can talk to her about anything.
You know, it's like her face has just been engraved inside my head.
It's like, say I'm having a bad day.
No matter what it is, just terrible.
It's like, that first second that I see her beautiful face and she puts her arms around me I touch her lips it's like, just everything is better.
Everything.
You know what I'm saying, Carlton? [SNIFFLING.]
I sure do.
Give me a hug, big guy.
Carlton! [TIRES SCREECHING & HORN HONKING.]
- Carlton, what is wrong with you, man? - I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I just got caught up in the moment.
Why don't you get caught up in keeping your eyes on the road? All right, okay.
Look, just take a picture of Bob Barker's house.
WILL: Oh, man.
Look like Bob up in there getting his freak on.
Bobby, come on down.
[CAMERA CLICKING.]
WILL: All right, all right.
Check it out.
Listen.
I even got a title.
It's called Celebrities' Houses At Night.
I'm not sure.
You're right.
Look at this picture.
How about this one? Look at Richard Simmons in his back yard cooking them big old stank sausages.
Oh, man, that one is gold.
Look, kid, I gotta tell you, this picture doesn't really do it for me.
- I mean, look at it, it's too dark.
- Oh, see, you're not open.
You're not open, man.
I'm telling you.
It's Celebrities' Houses At Night.
Okay, look, look.
Kid, you got a nice idea here with the house thing.
It's just not something I can get behind, all right? Okay.
Okay.
All right.
See, because you're not letting your cerebellum rotate.
Listen.
Look at this.
It's not just pictures.
I wrote little stories with them too.
Bam! You didn't notice that one.
See, it's different now.
See, because I'm not just a photographer.
I'm a photographer and a writer.
I'm ambidextrous.
Nice try, huh? Maybe next time.
Well, fine.
Maybe I am goofy.
Hey, don't forget your pictures here.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait a minute.
- Is this one Jay Leno? - Yeah, that's him.
What is he doing here? He was pouring some coffee in the sewer or something.
- I don't know, what does my story say? - I could use this in one of my publications.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
Hey, America loves Jay Leno.
So, what, it'd be more like an article? Yeah, that's right.
But I still get credit and everything, right? That and $500.
Here, here, here.
I want you to read this release form.
Sign it when you're ready.
WILL: Ooh.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Hey, looks good to me, man.
Will? Will? WILL [ON SPEAKERS.]
: Good evening, you fine Nubian princess.
I set up a little surprise for you tonight, so just follow instructions and enjoy.
Number one: Clap twice.
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO.]
Number two: I've got a succulent lobster dinner prepared.
So go to the microwave, press start.
[BEEP.]
Number three: Take your sexy little self on over to the couch and have a seat.
Number four: Get naked.
What? WILL: No, my fault.
I was just kidding.
I was just kidding.
All right.
Number five: Turn around.
Ooh.
You sure do know how to make a girl feel special.
Will, what is all of this about? We are celebrating, baby.
I've been published.
Published? When did you start writing? Last week.
Hey, look.
I wanna give you some goose bumps too.
Mm.
Okay, so where's the article? - Let me see it.
- Eh, eh, eh.
In due time.
- In due time.
It's all a surprise, baby.
- Okay.
LISA: Hoo.
[WILL CLEARS THROAT.]
Lisa.
Sweetheart, there's only one word to describe you.
Scum.
WILL: Carlton.
Man, you know the routine.
When there's a sock in the door, you sleep on the lawn.
Have you read this week's National Inquisitor? Man, I don't read that trash.
Then how come you're writing it? Wait, wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
They used one of my photos from my book and put it in here.
"'Jay Leno: Earth Enemy Number One' by Will Smith?" You sold pictures to a sleazy magazine like this? No, no, no, baby.
I did not.
I sold them to a book publisher.
Look, Jay Leno wasn't holding an oil can.
He was holding a coffee pot.
That guy tricked me.
Well, at least I got paid.
- Master William, you have a visitor.
- Will Smith? - Yes, sir.
- You're served.
What? What's wrong, baby? Jay Leno is suing me for $10 million.
How do you go from trying to make a little impression on Lisa to being sued by Jay Leno for $10 million? Um I'm goofy? But wait, wait.
I'm the victim here.
That publisher took my pictures and used them for evil instead of good.
I mean, he like Hugh Hefner.
And I'm an innocent young girl from the Midwest.
And you expect me to clean up this mess.
Well, yeah.
You know the routine.
I do something stupid, you clean it all up.
The only difference is this time, I didn't do nothing.
I think you've taken troublemaking to a whole new plateau.
Wait a minute.
Come on.
You gotta know somebody down there.
A cameraman, a makeup girl.
Maybe you sentenced one of the guys in the band or something.
There is a bigger issue involved here.
I can't keep pulling your butt out of the fire.
You're right.
You're right, Uncle Phil.
Look And this is the last two or few times.
I promise.
You know, Will, there comes a time Oh, not the "there comes a time" speech.
I'd pay $10 million to not have to hear that again.
I'd pay $10 million so I didn't have to say it again.
Fine.
If you don't wanna help me, just say that.
I got myself into this mess, I'll get myself out.
I don't need nobody.
Why don't I watch you handle this one, I'll get the next one, all right? I can't believe that that realtor wasted my time on that dump.
That house was gorgeous.
What's the problem? Problem? Well, for starters, the layout.
Say I'm having a small garden party for 50 of my closest friends and someone spills cocktail sauce on their Armani suit.
My maid Hildegard would have to go through the gazebo into the living room past the library and up the steps to get to the laundry room.
Hilary, that's ridiculous.
You're right.
Who cares how far Hildegard has to walk? Is there anything I can do to help? Can you drive a getaway car? Master William, come quickly.
- They're talking about you on the telly.
PEOPLE [ON TV.]
: Save our sewers.
- Save our sewers.
Save our sewers.
- This is Andrea White of KFPB.
It has been reported to the National Inquisitor that Tonight Show host Jay Leno is a toxic polluter.
Will Smith is the young man who photographed Leno dumping oil into the sewer systems.
His story also alleges that Mr.
Leno may be single-handedly responsible for destroying the rain forest, the ozone layer and the one tree that grows in Brooklyn.
Oh, that poor little tree.
Forget that tree, Ashley.
Come on, I'm getting railroaded.
Well, I finally contacted Leno's lawyer.
- Yeah? What'd he say? - Well, I'm sorry, but it doesn't look good.
I'm afraid you're liable.
[CARLTON CHUCKLING.]
What is so funny? You're liable for libel.
Get it? Those are homonyms.
Carlton, your next crack is gonna be in your head.
Try it and I'll sue.
[LAUGHING.]
Well I know what I gotta do.
He's not gonna do anything stupid, is he? You don't know him very well, do you? It's The Tonight Show.
I'm doing the Bill Clinton McDonald's bit.
It's my best joke.
You're my agent.
I'm the one who should be nervous.
I'll call you after the show, okay? Yeah.
Bye.
[MOUTHING.]
Hey, bro.
How you doing? Have you seen Jay Leno? No, and I probably won't until I'm on stage.
- I'm John Ridley.
I'm the comedian.
- Oh.
So you're John Ridley.
Yeah.
Oh, well, these are for you.
They're from Mr.
Leno.
Oh, thanks.
Listen, John.
How long have you been a standup? About 10 years.
Why? [WILL SIGHS.]
I just hate this part of my job.
What part? Dude, you've been bumped.
Bumped? Listen.
One of Roseanne's other personalities showed up.
We have to let her keep talking.
You gotta be kidding.
My family in Milwaukee will be watching.
- I got a killer opening.
- That's show biz.
Come on.
No, wait a minute, I got this great joke about how I'm so pro-black I won't even pick the cotton out of a bottle of aspirin.
I think I did you a favor, bro.
Come on.
But my family is gonna - Security.
- Wait [BAND INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
Welcome back.
My next guest is a young comedian making his first appearance on The Tonight Show.
Please give a warm welcome to a very funny young man, Mr.
John Ridley.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Hey, how you doing? Hey.
Well, you know, the other day, I just had this bottle of aspirin, you know.
But I couldn't take it because I'm black.
What I mean is, you know, the bottle had cotton in it, you know.
Get it? Cotton.
I'm black.
Well, well, actually, you know, what I mean is Um JAY: Hey, wait a minute, wait.
This isn't John.
Security! Hey, Jay.
You got to listen to me.
I'm the guy you're suing, Will Smith.
The guy that's been putting the stuff in the paper? - That's me.
- There's been a lot written about me.
A lot of it untrue.
And this seems to be the gentleman respon Come over here.
Let's settle it right now.
You got two minutes to explain yourself.
- Hey.
- All right, tell us what's going on.
Jay, listen.
I was just trying to impress my girlfriend, Lisa.
I like her a lot.
I wanted to prove to her that I wasn't, you know, goofy.
You, goofy? I can't imagine how she got that idea.
- What are you talking about? - Me neither, man.
I was putting together this book.
It's called celebrities' houses at night.
- Good concept, right? - Terrific idea.
You know, what happened was, you know, I just wanted to show Lisa that I was special, you know? Because I just really don't wanna lose her because I really like her.
And, well, the pictures I gave them to the guy, he was supposed to put out my book.
He put it in the national inquisitor.
I never meant for anything bad to happen.
The pictures weren't for that.
Listen, America, I just want you to know it was not oil, it was coffee.
- Jay was pouring coffee out.
It wasn't oil.
- Right.
Well, thank you, Smith, for clearing that up.
I appreciate that.
Well, you know, my friends call me Will.
Thanks a lot, Smith.
I really appreciate that.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Actually, that's kind of romantic, I think, though.
I think I mean, what you You are goofy, and you are an idiot.
That's beside the point.
It's kind of a romantic thing.
And maybe we should drop the suit.
What do you think, audience? - All right, Will.
- Okay.
You're off the hook.
- Thanks a lot, Jay.
- All right, all right.
Hey, who's our next guest? [WILL SCREAMS.]
[APPLAUSE ON TV.]
That's it.
Join us tomorrow when our guests will be Kevin Costner, Wilt Chamberlain and we'll see if we can find the real John Ridley.
See you later, bye-bye.
Thanks for watching.
[TV TURNS OFF.]
- Wow, Will, were you nervous? - No, no, not really.
I'm just glad that whole mess is over.
I'm sorry I started the whole thing but you looked good on The Tonight Show.
You were really wacky.
I'm saying What do you mean by "wacky"? CARLTON: No, he's not wacky.
No.
ASHLEY: She did not mean that.
CARLTON: No, I mean, you're an irresponsible lazy bum, but you're not