The Goldbergs Episode Scripts

N/A - Breakfast Club

1 Adult Adam: Ah, "The Breakfast Club" Truly the ultimate teen movie of the '80s.
Every high-school clique was represented The geeks, the jocks, the loners, the Molly Ringwalds.
It showed us that if we'd sit and talk in a circle of trust, we could all be friends.
Of course, that didn't apply to me.
I was a freshman.
High school meant I had a clean slate.
The movie inspired me to reinvent myself.
I am the coolest freshman alive.
I wasn't.
But, damn it, Judd Nelson sure taught me how to be.
What the hell is this? Why aren't you moving? Stop it! Start moving your body! And lucky for me, I had a big older bro and sis who would help me out.
Why do you have so many outfits on? Yeah, you look like a hobo who lives in a Dumpster behind a Burlington Coat Factory.
It's my new look.
I'm locking in who I'm gonna be for the next four years.
Did you cut the fingers off of my lace Madonna gloves? Now they're fingerless tough-guy gloves with some lace.
Okay, here's how this year's gonna work.
During school hours, you will not walk, talk, or breathe anywhere near us.
Well, what if I need you guys? You definitely will, but we won't be there.
Thing is, I'm a senior now, so my focus will be on being super popular and making terrible mistakes that will greatly affect my future.
And as one of the school's top jocks, I'll be knocking the books out of your hands.
You're not the school's top anything! This is madness! Is it? This year, I'm joining the varsity wrestling, basketball, and cross-country.
Cross-country? Since when can you run far or fast? Oh, I run.
I run plenty.
Yeah, your weird Barry run.
Are you crazy? I don't run like that.
I run like this.
Yeah, it's probably best that both of you stay away from me this year.
Schmoopaloos, exciting news! We need to have a little talk.
Stop running.
Eyes on me.
Remember how I told you all summer I was taking a painting class to help give my life a sense of purpose? - No.
- ‭Huh? - ‭Who paints what? You people don't listen to a word I say.
And I would be deeply hurt if it wasn't all a total lie.
I was taking a course for this.
It's my teaching certificate.
- For what? - For substitute teaching! - For where? - High school! - For which high school? - Yours! This [gags] isn't happening! That's right.
You're gonna be seeing a whole lot more of Mama.
Oh, balls! [Giggles] Mwah, mwah, mwah! I feel anger in my body! See, that's it.
That's the Barry run.
It was September 3, 1980-something, the night before school started, and our worst nightmare had become reality.
Question What does this sweater say to you? School? That's exactly what I was going for.
Look at you.
A real teacher.
While this might have begun as a way for me to inappropriately track my children's every move, it's given me a renewed sense of purpose.
I'm thrilled.
You're always marching down there to make trouble anyhow.
Might as well get some money for it.
Also, you're supporting the most important woman in your life.
Sure! Why not? [Gasps] Hey! What do you think? How does Professor Goldberg look? Mom, you're not a professor.
Well, then why do have a PhD in nose boops? Boop, boop, boop! Ha! See you in the halls, delicious pupils.
Excuse us, Father.
We hate to interrupt your evening, but we would like to borrow a brief moment of your valuable personal time.
What the hell's going on? You morons always come in screaming when you want something.
It's true.
This energy is very unnerving.
Shouting at you has produced poor results in the past, and at this moment, our lives are at stake.
Which is why we came to you as calm, mature, young adults to talk this out rationally.
Even Barry? Seems unlikely.
Since you're asking so politely, I'll wait before I say no.
We need to discuss Mom's new position at William Penn Academy.
As you know, children need healthy walls between their academic and home lives.
And, if I may add, Mom is a monster that must be stopped! - No, Barry! - You promised! [Sighs] Sorry! Sorry.
Well, the answer's no.
Have a good school year.
So, may I? - Go to town.
- Do your thing.
W-What's going on here? You make Mom quit or I will knock everything over you love, starting with these thin books! [Grunts] What are you doing? You're scaring the dog! I am throwing candies in anger! Ooh.
[Panting] Went too hot too fast.
I need like five hours to recharge my anger.
feedback] Principal Ball: Hello, and welcome, William Penn Academy.
Thrilled to be back for what's shaping up to be the most exciting school year with Oh, crap! She's already here! Just get to class! My God, lady.
It's the first minute of the school year.
- [Stammering] Minute.
- Oh, Earl.
I'm not here to beat you into submission.
I'm here to teach.
I'm sorry.
Teach? Yes.
I got certified over the summer.
I'm on your list of subs.
I am unaware of any such list.
Here it is.
See? There's my name right there.
I put it there myself.
Right at the top.
- See it? - Uh-huh.
- See it? - Yeah.
- See? - ‭I see.
- See? - I see it.
- See? - I see it, damn it! Yay! [Chuckles] So, where do you need me, boss? Thing is, it is the first day of school and all of my teachers are here and healthy.
So, I will give you a call as soon as never.
I get the sense you don't want me here, Earl.
Oh, good! Thanks for reading all the obvious social cues.
You're not seeing the big picture, boss.
You're gonna need me one day, and you know where I'll be? Please don't say here.
Like a panther.
A panther who teaches.
Please don't wait like a teaching panther.
Oh, I'll wait but good 'cause you never know when one of your teachers might get sick or have a nasty accident.
- Please don't hurt anybody.
- See you soon.
Adult Adam: As my mom was anxious to get teaching, I was about to teach my best friends a lesson in cool.
Welcome back, gentlemen.
What's with all the jackets? Yeah, man.
Denim on flannel on tweed? That looks swampy.
So swampy.
But that's the price of being a badass.
What's with your jacket? Clean slate, bro.
This year, I'm reinventing myself as a badass greaser like Fonzie.
Already got the hair.
Fonzie doesn't have a bowl cut.
And why are you in so much purple? I'm reinventing myself to be a sexy badass like Prince.
We can't all reinvent ourselves as badasses.
This is not good.
No one knows us here! We can be anything we want! Hey, look.
It's the jacket gang.
It's true! They're all wearing jackets! It's what defines them.
Later, jacket jerks.
- Oh, no.
- We've been mislabeled.
Take 'em off! Take 'em off! It's too late.
We can't be seen together till next semester.
Enjoy the holidays! Erica! I need your help.
No, no, no! We had an agreement! Dude, you're super sweaty.
I committed to this look before I checked the weather.
I need help.
I'm a senior.
I don't have time for any drama, especially yours.
Speaking of drama, what about Geoff Schwartz? Who cares about that tool? I mean, sure, he loved me his whole life and I foolishly blew him off.
But now Geoff's with Evy, which is great, 'cause I can focus on my year of awesome and really get out there.
Here they come.
Close the door.
Close the metal door.
I Slam it in my face.
I can take it.
Please tell me they're gone.
Make a hole, people! Peak physical champions coming through.
Check this out, fellas.
Boom! Whoa.
What are you doing, man? That's not how you welcome somebody to our school.
But we're jocks.
We're student athletes, bro.
Leaders on and off the field.
Have a good year, little man.
Wait up! I love nerds! Just I'll punch someone else.
Just tell me who to punch.
Even though we were still trying to find our place at school, our mom was feeling right at home.
Oh, the teachers' lounge! Oh! [Chuckles] So beautiful.
I'm home.
Well, well, well.
The rumors are true.
Hello, Andre.
[Laughing] Oh.
I've been waiting for this moment a long, long time.
Thank you so much.
I've worked really hard to get here.
Not to support you.
To destroy you! - What?! - Well, maybe not destroy, but to be cold and distant.
Doesn't really come naturally to me.
I'm really a people person.
Everybody says so.
But after all the times you made the teachers' lives hell, did you really think that we were gonna accept you as one of us? It wasn't personal.
I was just doing my job as Mama Bear.
Well, the bear's got no claws now.
[Laughs] That's right! We got the claws! Rawr.
Let me do the talking, Bruce.
I'm afraid only real teachers are welcome in the teachers' lounge.
[Chuckles] And you're not one of us.
So, where am I supposed to eat lunch? The cafeteria.
That's where all the subs eat.
All the subs and that new music teacher who wants all the students to think that he's one of them.
[Scoffs] Yeah, I had a band once, too, Cody.
Point is, get out! That day, my mom wasn't the only one searching for a place to eat her lunch.
Stupid Geoff and Evy, ruining the cool table with their love and unsanitary food play.
Now I've got nowhere to sit.
I'm the one who needs to find the right table, 'cause where I sit will define me for the next four years.
It's just like "The Breakfast Club.
" Look at the cliques The cheerleaders, the burners, the band geeks, the Mom?! Hey, kids! Over here! Come sit with your mother! - Oh! Balls, balls, balls.
- Son of a Um, your mom's here.
We know.
We see her.
Yoo-hoo! Can you see me? She's waving very clearly at us.
I'm your mama! I pushed you out of my swimsuit area! Barry didn't want the jocks to see him screaming uncontrollably at his mother.
I've got grapes.
So he sent me over to talk some sense into her.
Let's just go before this gets worse.
Well, park your cute, little tushies.
I'm having a terrible first day.
I can't sit with my mom at lunch.
I'm already the sweaty jacket kid.
It would ruin any shred of cool I have left.
Forgive me, Mrs.
, but Barry wants you to know, "Get out, you monster! Get out through that window right now!" If you don't sit at this table, then I have failed as a mother and an educator.
You are not an educator! You are just a crazy lady in a worm sweater! Okay, you are walking on very dangerous ground right now.
This worm is the only child I have left.
No one wants your sweater, and no one wants you! Goldbergs, please! What on Earth is going on over here? I'll tell you what's going on, Earl.
You have some very mean, disrespectful children at this school.
Well, they're your children.
Tell them what happens to a student when they sass-mouth a teacher.
They get Saturday detention.
Why don't you tell her what happens to a teacher who abuses her power? Teachers get fired.
Oh, my God.
Earl, write a detention.
It's not that [bleep] hard! Whoa! Whoa! Everyone, go back to your lunches! Not okay.
Not okay.
What's not okay is you haven't told the blond lady to hit the bricks! Yeah, man! Do your job! Barry was hoping you'd step in and wanted to add, uh, "Grow some plums!" Okay, listen.
You kids cannot talk to me that way, 'cause now you really do have Saturday detention.
- What?! - No! How am I in trouble? I'm just Barry's messenger.
Well, then deliver this one I expect to see him Saturday, too.
[Screams] So much for my year of awesome! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah.
I officially give up, and not just because my mom invaded my school, but because I suck at love and I'm gonna die alone! Forever alone! Don't mind her.
She's a basket case.
Also, you're fired from the job you never had.
Is it because I screamed out a bad word in the cafeteria? Sort of a grab bag of things.
Ah [bleep].
It was 7:00 a.
Saturday morning, and my dream of living "The Breakfast Club" had become way too real.
Well, well.
Here we are.
It is now 7:06.
You have exactly 8 hours and 54 minutes to ponder the error of your ways.
My office is right across that hall.
Any monkey business is ill-advised.
Questions? I got a question.
Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe? Well, aren't you nice? I happen to be quite the Fanilow.
No, it's from a movie.
It's what the cool kid does And he's gone.
Eight hours? This is a nightmare.
No, it's not.
It's just like "The Breakfast Club.
" Think about it.
We're just like the characters.
Lainey's the popular princess.
Barry's the jock.
And Erica's Ally Sheedy, the crazy, unstable basket case.
Hey! I'm just a little depressed and unshowered 'cause I'm having a few boy issues, and Shut up! And I, of course, am Bender, the troubled bad boy.
You're the nerd, nerd.
Everyone knows it.
I am not the nerd.
You're the nerd, dude.
Who are you, and why are you here? I'm Johnny Atkins, and I'm always here.
So needlessly destructive.
That's such an Anthony Michael Hall thing to say.
- Totally.
- Classic nerdery.
I am not the nerd.
I guess there will just be two bad boys.
Can't have two bad boys.
Babe, let's bail.
How? The only way out is past Ball's office.
Or is it? Again, this is just like the movie.
No one cares about the stupid movie! Now help me into the ceiling like in the movie! While Barry was running away from detention, my mom was retreating to what she knew best.
What's all this? Oh, you know me.
Busy, busy, busy.
If I don't get dinner on the table, nobody else will.
It's 8:00 in the morning.
She's in a tizzy.
Help her.
Bevy, you do this when you're upset.
Or happy.
But right now, upset.
I'm not upset.
This house is a mess because I let that silly, little teaching job get in the way, but now I know this is where I belong.
But that teaching job meant so much to you.
Well, this family means so much more to me.
- Also, nobody from the school wants me there.
- That's not true.
Principal Ball literally said, "I don't want you here.
" Well, that could mean anything.
And the kids say I ruined their lives.
They ruined ours, too.
It's the circle of life.
And the teachers hate my guts.
- Well, there's history there.
- And I got fired.
Well, they clearly don't want you there, so that makes sense.
You're not good at this.
I just realized I'm not a teacher.
I'm a mom.
I'm gonna go cheese-up some cod.
Seeing my mom abandon her dream, my dad did the unimaginable.
He got involved.
We need to talk.
Oh, good.
First week wouldn't seem complete without uncomfortable quality time with every Goldberg.
You need to let Beverly be a teacher again.
The thing is, she never was a teacher, and she won't be as long as I'm in charge.
I think you're looking at this the wrong way.
If Beverly works for you, she no longer comes here as a mother.
She's an employee.
Who's the boss of all the employees? I am.
That means she'd no longer be your worst nightmare.
She'd be the worst nightmare of anyone you want her to be.
That's a scary amount of power.
I think you unleash the power.
You give me the word, and Beverly will be here.
Get on the horn and make it happen.
I am taking my Saturdays back! The harpsichord in our living room has been silent for too long! Hot dog! I'll call my wife.
She's gonna be thrilled.
You stupid, stupid man! How could you do this to me? You were so sad! I actually did something good for once! Seriously? Who marches down to the school and makes unreasonable demands? You do! All the time! And who cares? Earl said he wants you back.
Doesn't matter.
Even if Ball wants me there, my own kids don't.
Well, who's gonna sit here all day and watch these damn kids? You wanted to get involved? Get involved.
Aw, man.
I did not think this through.
I'm hungry, and my thighs are so crampy.
Why didn't I just go out the window? While Barry was losing his way in the intricate maze of air ducts, we were losing our minds from boredom.
I really need to shower.
All right, morons.
Listen up.
Dad? Why are you here? I've been put in charge.
You're not a teacher, so we can bail.
Oh! I'm worse than a teacher.
I'm your dad.
And that means I can take away everything you know and love.
Well, you're not my dad, so I'm out of here, man.
That's fine.
I don't even know who that is.
The rest of you are gonna be writing an essay of at least 1,000 words.
An essay that will bond us together like in "The Breakfast Club"? No.
You're gonna write nice things about your mom.
Make her feel like you want her around all the time.
That's the opposite of what we want.
Do it, morons! The next time I come in here, I'm crackin' skulls! - Aah! - [Thud] Freedom! Oh.
Our breakfast club was passing us by, and I was getting desperate.
Guys, this is crazy.
The day's almost over and we've yet to bond or reveal our deepest secrets.
This isn't a John Hughes movie, dude.
No! I refuse to accept that.
Bonding will happen, and it starts right now! [The Knack's "My Sharona" plays] Come on.
This seems super hokey, but we'll accept each other through our awkward movement.
Not gonna work.
Dear God.
What's wrong? Scared? I fear nothing! Watch me destroy you with dance! I'll show you! Ooh, my little pretty one, my pretty one And just like that, we forgot about who we were trying to be or thought we were.
We were just us.
And after spending all day trying to force everybody to get closer a little goofy dancing like in an '80s teen movie allowed it just to happen naturally.
And when it was over, I finally found myself sitting in a "Breakfast Club" -style trust circle.
I know we're in school and all, but thanks for not ignoring me today.
I wish we could be like this when we're back to school Monday, but I-I get it.
No one wants to hang out with a nerd.
But I thought you were the bad boy.
I'm the same as I was in middle school.
Six layers of boiling-hot clothes won't change that.
Yeah, I'm not a jock.
Sure, I have the awesome skills and talent, but I just can't be that sweet and caring.
It's not in me.
I tried to convince myself I don't care about Geoff and Evy, but every day, I'll be reminded that I blew it.
And you were right.
I really am a basket case.
And I'm just a mom.
God, what are you doing here?! I thought we were all sharing our feelings.
This is our trust circle! You're ruining it! Oh, you're right.
I don't belong here.
I don't belong anywhere.
[Simple Minds' "Don't You" plays] Wow.
We're sitting here struggling over who we are in high school and you're going through the same thing.
I know.
It's silly.
No, it's not.
You always say you're "just a mom," but you're more than that.
- You think so? - Dad was right.
You always support our dreams no matter what.
So I guess now it's our turn.
Really? You want me here? - Oh, absolutely not.
- I will run from you.
But for once, it's not about us.
That is so sweet.
Inside and out and Love's strange, so real in the dark Think of the tender things that we were working on - What's this? - It's the essay you made us write.
Looks kind of long.
Just, uh, tell me the highlights.
It says"We love our mom.
Everything she is and everything she wants to be.
But the truth is, up until today that's all we thought she was Just a mom.
But she's so much more than that.
We all are.
Even though we all look at each other in the simplest terms with the most convenient definitions, we're more than that.
We're not just a geek or a jock or a basket case.
" Hey, guys.
Erica! There she is! Where you been all week? Laying low.
But I'm back.
Down, down, down "Or a mom.
" Teachers only.
The blond lady stays.
Beverly, some jerk parked in my space.
[Scoffs] This will not stand.
Adam: "In the end, we're a family.
" I got to go move my car.
"And that means we're in it together.
Sincerely yours, The Breakfast Club.
" What's "The Breakfast Club"? My dad asked a good question.
No one knew.
But what we did know was the Goldbergs were hardly as cool as Judd Nelson and Molly Ringwald.
But as I began my freshman year, it sure as hell felt that way.
What are you doing? Nothing.
Go away.
Okay, well, since you're frozen, I'm gonna take my gnub-gnubs.
- [Chuckles] Gnub, gnub, gnub, gnub, gnub, gnub! - No! No! No gnub-gnubs in public! Oh, you get back here! You get back here! La-la-la-la La la la Oh, hi.
Um, I go to his school now.
Uh Go put a pair of socks on! Go get dressed! It's a quarter after 7:00.
- A quarter after 7:00? - Yes.
What's with the bolo tie? I've come to terms that I'm the lovable nerd, like Duckie from "Pretty in Pink.
" And I've decided to embrace it.
Why are you guys wearing hats, too? 'Cause I want the cool kids to think I'm a rugged adventurer, like Indiana Jones.
And I'm hoping this Devo hat lands me a spot in the New Wave crowd.
Gentlemen, high school's gonna rock.
Nice hats, hat boys.
You're all wearing hats like idiots! That's your thing! - Later, hat heads.
- [Chuckles] High school's gonna suck.