The Goldbergs Episode Scripts

N/A - I Heart Video Dating

1 Adult Adam: Long before online dating, single people bared their souls on videotape, and this is what it actually looked like.
Hi.
I'm Maurice.
I'm an executive by day and a wild man by night.
I'm not afraid to get sand on my tuxedo if you're not afraid to let the wind mess your hair up a little bit when I take the top down.
And video dating had finally hit the suburbs of Philly.
Excuse me, ladies.
How would you like to meet the man of your dreams? - Ew.
- You're really old.
Ouch.
[Chuckles] But, no, I'm talking about the romantic wave of the future Video dating.
It's a real business.
Using our advanced VHS technology and a one-time fee of $399, followed by lifetime monthly fees of only $19.
99, anyone can now find love.
So, which of you lonely hearts is looking for Mr.
Right? Well, I'm not, but [Clears throat] I am not a sad-sack loser.
I choose to be alone, and it's the best.
It is the best, isn't it? [Chuckles] Well, that's too bad because for a limited time, anyone that joins the VD community gets a free tote bag for just $12.
99.
I am not carrying around a bag that says, "I heart VD.
" My God.
Wait, I have the perfect customer for you my dad.
He's totally ready to get back out there.
Hell, no! Why would I ever do video dating? I'm living the dream.
It's 2:00 in the afternoon, and you're still in your robe.
So? A robe is just a long jacket made of towel.
Lots of people wear these.
Not to other people's homes.
In this house, we keep it loose.
Dad, it's been four years since Mom left.
Isn't it time you got set up with someone? Set up? Did somebody say "set up"? Who am I setting up? No, stop.
We don't need your help.
Bill's gonna do video dating.
Video dating? [Chuckles] [Robotic voice] Beep, boop, bop, zorp.
Beep, boop, bop.
I will find you love.
Sorry, but, uh, your way of matchmaking is a thing of the past.
[Normal voice] Please.
I am literally responsible for setting up over 200 couples, which means I'm personally responsible for over 62,000 babies.
Yeah, that's not real math.
Bill, would you rather put your heart in the hands of a proven love champion or risk everything with someone whose romantic record is a little spotty? Honestly, I'd rather not do either.
Hey, my record is not spotty.
And I'm, like, the best ever at love.
Yeah, not so much.
And when you think about it, you've only had one boyfriend, and that was two years ago.
Right, Dante.
What a character.
His name wasn't Dante.
He had that small hand.
Who are you thinking of? And I'm alone by choice.
Ha! Please.
You only liked Geoff after he wanted nothing to do with you.
Oh, yeah? Well, I'll show you friggin' jerkuses how friggin' great I am at friggin' love when your dad's walking down the friggin' aisle.
See, you don't even know that men don't walk down the aisle! Gah! Bill, get out of your bath clothes! - I'm finding you love again.
- Okay.
Oh! My bad! [Grunts] I'll get Ohh, my back! Don't worry, pal.
I gotcha.
No, no, Bruce Lee style.
Hyah! Hyah! Hoo-hyah! Beverly, I'm gonna need a warm towel.
Oh, it's traveling! It's moving south! Aah! Good luck, Schmoops.
Get the small boy.
Have the small boy stand on me.
I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was September 28, 1980-something, the day of the career aptitude test.
Done! Now all I got to do is sit back and let this test decide my entire future.
Got any predictions? It'll either make me an NFL punter, motorcycle detective, or land pirate.
Bookkeeper?! I don't want to be a librarian! Bookkeeper's not a librarian, you moron.
It's more like an accountant.
Why didn't I get an awesome job like boat owner or rap mogul or neighborhood oracle? - What the hell's an oracle? - A guy who sees the future.
I can see your future.
You're mowing lawns for the city.
Never! I will be a rich neighborhood oracle, and nothing you say can stop me.
[Toy squeaks] Ow! Couldn't predict that, could you? As Barry was having trouble seeing the future, Erica was trying to find Bill his future wife.
Trust me, Mr.
Lewis, your romantic future starts now.
And to my doubters, you can go on down to Sears and buy a vacuum so you can suck it.
Yes, Bill, there's no better place to find love than next to Lady Foot Locker.
Put her there, Bill.
John Calabasas, love doctor.
No medical degree.
I'm legally required to say that now.
Bill, I want to show you something.
This is a videotape of one of our biggest success stories, and this could be you.
Why, hello, there.
The name's Big Al.
And like a fine wine, I just keep getting better with age.
My God.
That's why he's been out every night this month.
So [Clicks tongue] let's have some fun.
Boom! And that's how love is made.
I don't know, Erica.
Maybe your mom's right about all this.
Your friend makes a good point about me being right, Erica.
Yeah, normally, I just go with the flow, but I'm starting to take sides here, too.
Everyone stop talking.
Trust me, Mr.
Lewis.
I know love and romance.
It's my jam.
So let's just give it a shot.
And three, two, one, get some! Hi.
this is Bill Lewis of Bill Lewis Flooring and Tile.
I'm looking for a nice, clean lady to spend my days with.
It used to be my wife.
Oh, no.
Man, she was pretty.
Smelled nice.
Tight, little body from all the Jane Fonda.
Son of a bitch, Billy Boy! You had it all! - No.
- Ouch.
- Daddy? One day she just walked out on me.
All she left behind was this single leg warmer.
I wear it on my arm to keep her close.
- Not good.
- Hard to watch.
Dang it, I miss you so much, pookie! [Sniffles] So, so much! Also, you must be stacked.
I'm so, so sorry.
Okay, cut.
Great.
I think we got it.
I don't think you did.
As Erica's matchmaking was stalling out, Barry's career planning was just revving up.
Corporate leader?! I know, right? Evy told me what bubbles to fill in, and now I'm gonna be a CEO.
She says I'm a natural leader.
- Sit up straight.
- Yes, my love.
Barry: This is bull crap! There's no practical job that will ever meet Barry's three criteria for career awesomeness.
One a position of unchallenged authority.
You're stretching all wrong, Matt Raymer.
I want you to drop into a lunge right here.
That's the quad.
Work the quad.
That is the engine room of the body.
Two No desk or formal pants.
This is where games are won or lost.
There you go.
What are you looking at me for? And three It requires athletic skill and physical intimidation.
You call that a chest pass, Luke Schmidt? Run laps till you see God.
Shake a leg.
[Whistle blows] In that moment, my brother finally knew what his future would hold Kickballs, tube socks, and a shiny whistle.
Coach, I want to be your athletic apprentice so that one day I can take your place when you climb that big rope into the sky.
Ah, I see.
Goofing on old Coach, huh? Well, we'll see who's laughing after you do 3,000 squat thrusts.
No, I'm serious.
I want to teach gym, sir.
My God.
It's finally happening.
I'm gonna be a mentor.
- Are you crying? - My eyes are just celebrating.
Here.
Take this.
Training begins now! [Air blows] Damn it, I broke it! Why do I have such powerful lungs? No, it's a training whistle.
You'll get the tiny, little ball that makes it work - when you're ready.
- When will that be? Coach will know.
Now let the physical education education begin.
First up, drink this mix of celery and cod.
Glug hard, boy.
Glug hard.
While Barry hit a home run with his new career, Erica was striking out at matchmaking.
Swing and a miss.
Bill struck out.
Not one response to his video.
How is that possible? Honestly, I've never seen such a negative reaction, and a lot of my clients are just me in different costumes.
There has to be someone for Bill.
This thing guarantees a match.
No, it says it "gurantees a match.
" And that's not a real word, so it's not a legally binding contract.
Don't make me leave empty-handed.
Please, I need to find someone.
Erica? Oh, hi, guys.
What you doing? Geoff put some charm jewelry on layaway.
What are you doing? Are you video-dating? What? No, no, no.
I'm only here to help set up my best friend's dad.
I know when I say that out loud, it doesn't sound great or real, but it's both.
Well, best of luck with whatever this is.
John: [Sighs] - Gross.
- Young love.
Look, I need to find Bill someone.
It's how I'm gonna prove that I'm good at this.
With the tape Bill made? Not a chance.
Well, then I'll make a better one.
And I've got just the person to help.
Nerd, I need you to make an awesome video for Lainey's dad.
Holy balls! My first professional paid gig! I'm not paying you.
Still a professional gig, though.
- It's really not.
- I see it now.
We open on a time portal as Mr.
Lewis' cold, naked body spills to the Earth.
He rises from the smoke like a Love Terminator.
Yeah, no nudity or time travel.
Just make Mr.
Lewis look cool You know, macho.
We're making a picture! An Adam F.
Goldberg joint.
What's with the "F"? There's another Adam Goldberg at school.
He's super-sensitive.
I don't want to cause any marketplace confusion.
Don't worry about it.
No one cares about either of you.
But I wasn't the only one landing a gig in my chosen profession.
[Air blows] That looks broke.
Let me fix that.
Hey, I was practicing my tooting skills.
Coach said the whistle is the foundation from which the gymnasium arts were built.
You're just gonna sit here and let him do this.
It was nice and quiet.
He said it was for school.
It is! I've finally decided on a career path.
- I'm gonna be a P.
E.
teacher.
- Oh, my.
Dad, you're right.
It's time I find my place in society.
And what could impact society more than me teaching youth how to do light exercise and parachute games? I fully support you 100%.
Seriously?! Dude! I thought you were gonna stomp on this dream like all the others.
- Nah, it's too good.
- It is.
In fact, I'm gonna go grab some shut-eye.
It's 6:30.
I'm waking up at dawn.
Me and Coach are going on a 12-mile jog, then we're powering down a classic English breakfast.
Why? He likes to start each morning with 5,000 to 6,000 calories Bangers and mash, kippers, kidneys, boiled and fried potatoes, black and white pudding, three kinds of meats.
His mom's British.
Seems like a lot.
She's a handful, but I like her.
[Chuckles] Anyway, off to bed.
I don't understand, Mur.
Are you actually okay with your son being a gym coach? Just like everything else, the kid will move on to the next stupid dream of his.
And what if he doesn't? Believe me, he ain't getting up at 5:00 in the morning to move his body.
We're golden.
Dig deep.
Imagine a jaguar's chasing you.
Let's go.
I'm miserable, but happier than I've ever been.
Oh [bleep] It was the day of the big premiere of a dating video.
But, hey, it was still a premiere.
Before I begin, I have a few words to say.
Webster's Dictionary defines "masterpiece" as Press "play.
" Okay, without further ado, I present to you Bill Lewis, as requested, a real macho man.
Hey, hey Hey, hey, hey Macho, macho man Macho man, yeah I've got to be a macho man I've got to be a macho, macho, macho man I've got to be a macho Hi.
I'm Bill Lewis.
And I like to dance, get sweaty, and have some fun.
I'm ship shape and ready for love.
Hey, let's build a relationship.
I've got to be a macho, macho, macho You have the right to fall in love with Bill Lewis of Bill Lewis Tile and Flooring.
Hey, what are you doing? Destroying this and starting over.
But I gave you exactly what you asked for macho.
Your dad was a shirtless cowboy, a sweaty cop, a leather-clad biker.
Oh, I see it now.
Erica, it's time to hand me the reins.
This is the job for the Yentadex.
What the hell is that? Every yenta has a Rolodex filled with perfect matches for everyone they know.
So buckle up, Bill.
You're about to go on the ride of your life.
No, there will be no buckling.
I'm handling this.
Okay, I appreciate everyone's help, but I'm shutting this down.
I'm just I'm not over my wife.
We all get one true love, and she was mine.
There is no way you only get one soul mate in life because he's in love with someone else, and then I'm gonna be alone forever, and I'm not gonna let that happen to you, Bill! Wow.
She's a passionate young lady.
Got most of her facts wrong, but her heart's in the right place.
Hey, guys, I really need your help.
Each of you grab a leg and push.
I ate nine bananas, but I'm still cramping up something nasty.
Damn it, you ate all my bananas? I'm in real athletic pain! Sit, Al.
Nobody is touching those legs in those tiny shorts.
These are official coaching bottoms.
Sure, they cinch up the bathing-suit area, but Coach says I'll eventually reach a healthy level of crotchular numbness.
For the love of God, take 'em off! You'll never have kids.
Gym teachers don't have kids.
Their kids are the students they teach.
All right, enough with this gym crap.
Sit down.
"Clash of the Titans" is on.
They've got oracles.
You love oracles.
Eh, seers and wizards don't fit into my new, healthy lifestyle.
I'm gonna go blend up a power shake.
So much fiber.
The body really is an amazing organ.
One point, two points, three points.
[Chuckles] Four points, Barry.
What imaginary game is he playing? There's no way to know.
I mean, of all his farkakte dreams, this is the one he's going with.
This is a nightmare.
Do something! I will! Thanks for sitting down with me, Rick.
Anything for my protégé's old man.
In a way, it's like we're married.
Yeah, that's gonna make this easier.
Uh, thing is, Barry's not gonna be a gym teacher.
What's that now? I think that Woody Allen said it best.
[Imitating Woody Allen] "Those that can't do, teach.
And those that can't teach, teach gym.
" How dare you.
You call that a Woody Allen impression? [Imitating Woody Allen] This is a Woody Allen impression.
That's exactly what I'm doing.
You got to stammer like Like this.
Use your hands more.
[Normal voice] Forget Woody! Here's the deal No more physical education education! [Normal voice] Seems to me you're implying that being a gym coach isn't good enough.
No, I think what you do is amazing.
Just not for my son.
You've seen your life.
You get it.
Well, he may be your son, but he's my gym son.
- That's not a thing.
- Oh, it is.
There's no such thing.
There's no greater bond in the world than between a coach and his boy protégé.
I think except for the bond between a dad and his actual boy.
Well, may the best father win.
Well, that's me.
I'm his father.
And I'm his coach-father.
We're done here.
And so began the war over Barry's future.
Meanwhile, my sister was so shaken by Bill's words that she turned her matchmaking skills on herself.
Hi.
I'm Erica.
I'm not desperate or anything.
I just want to make sure that I don't miss my one chance to have a happy life with Geoff.
Can I start over? Webster defines "love" as Nope.
Blblblblblblb! Geoff, Geoff, Geoff, Geoff, Geoff.
Okay.
I think I got it out of my system, so let's Geoff this one more time.
I mean, look at this photo of Evy.
Are you freaking kidding me? [Crying] He's gonna be an eye doctor because he's gonna follow in his dad's footsteps.
It's a safe career, but we would have had a beautiful home.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't be crying.
This is bad.
I don't know who this Geoff guy is, but I think he may have dodged a bullet.
All right, ladies and actual ladies, it's time to pick captains for today's game, which would be It's your class, Coach.
Your call.
Not today.
I want you to take this little cork ball and jam it into your whistle, Coach.
Physical education education just got real.
You mean I'm ready? Damn right you're ready.
This is your class now.
Today their fate is in your hands.
Name your game.
Anything? Even crab soccer? - You can crab any sport you like, son.
- [All gasp] He who holds the whistle makes the laws.
You heard Coach Tasty.
Crab formation now! [Whistle blows] That day, Barry invented crab hockey.
As a gym coach, he was a natural.
Show me some hustle! [Whistle blows] Second place is the first place of losers.
"Winning" spelled backwards is "gninniw.
" It's never okay to put butter on a doughnut! Champions are losers who forgot to give up! Sweat is the body's tears crying away the weakness! [Whistle blows] It doesn't fit! This game doesn't make any sense! Some things aren't meant to be crabbed! Then run laps, Atkins! Now! [Whistle blows] How'd it feel, son? I'll never forget this moment, Coach, as long as I live.
Hey, Bar, look what I got for you at Spencer's Gifts.
Is that a crystal ball? Just like the real professional oracles use.
That's what you want to be when you grow up, isn't it? It is! See you around, Coach.
What just happened? Well, Coach, I'll put it in terms you can understand.
You lost.
But I gave him a whistle ball.
And I gave him a better ball.
Don't sweat it.
You'll find another gym son.
No, for once, someone really looked up to me What I do, who I am.
And you took it away with a trip to the toy store.
I hope you feel good about yourself.
It hurts when you put your tongue to it.
Convinced she was facing a loveless life alone, my sister was desperate to find out her future.
Very desperate.
Hey, um, gonna be honest here.
I'm struggling real bad, and I heard that Dad bought you a crystal ball.
I've been expecting you, my lost child.
To be clear, I know this is ridiculous and not real.
I just need to hear something encouraging.
I've been expecting you, my lost child.
Stop talking like that and tell me I'll have a boyfriend one day.
I've been expecting you, my lost child.
I hate you.
Then take my hand, and let's journey into tomorrow and beyond.
[Sighs] Al: Come on, Mur.
Are you sure this is better than gym coach? [Roxette's "Listen to Your Heart" plays] From way downtown! Bang! [Sighs] I got a hole in my heart.
Hey.
Is everything okay in here? What do you care, dream crusher? About the other day I feel bad.
I shouldn't have said that what you do isn't good enough.
What do you feel bad for? Just telling the truth.
Look, if Barry wants to have a career like yours, I won't stand in the way.
What about his new life as a boy-witch? That's not gonna last.
Hey, you were the only one who made him take his future seriously.
Yeah, well, I guess that's what a halfway decent coach does.
More than a coach Gym dad.
Damn you, Goldbergs.
[Voice breaking] You always know how to hit me in my biggest muscle My heart.
[Sighs] Although my my biceps are nuts, huh? It wasn't up to my dad to decide Barry's future.
But Erica was hoping my mom knew hers.
Wow.
You swore you'd never look in my Yentadex.
You were right.
I'm, like, really bad at love.
Trust me.
You're not.
I just wish I didn't blow it with Geoff.
The scent of magic, the beauty that's been It really hurts, you know? [Voice breaking] It just It hurts.
When love was wilder than the wind - I know, Schmoops.
- Listen to your heart Take a listen when he's calling for you But you'll find the right guy when the timing is right.
- Listen to your heart - I just know it.
Take a listen, there's nothing else you can do That day, my sister realized there were no easy answers when it comes to who you're supposed to be with.
Even though my mom knew otherwise.
Listen to your heart Truth is when you're a kid, the future is always uncertain.
- Whoa, listen to your heart - [Whistle blows] That's game.
Hit the showers.
Take a listen when it's calling for you There's no crystal ball that can give you the answer.
- Listen to your heart - Hey, Coach.
I, uh Take a listen, there's nothing else you can do I thought you might want this back.
No, keep it.
I don't know where you're going, and I don't know why Maybe you need a hand putting away those hockey sticks? Eh, you run along.
I got this.
Listen to your heart before, oh, listen to your heart But with the right people in your corner supporting you, you'll always come out a winner in the end.
[Bell dings] [Bell dings] [Cheering] - Mr.
Lewis? - Hello! The sun's out.
Where's your day robe and your overall bummer vibe? Well, I guess all this dating talk got me thinking maybe I am ready to give love another shot.
Well, unfortunately, Mom's not here, and she hides her Yentadex.
But perhaps I can help.
Come, my child.
I see a beautiful, bubbly blonde.
She loves shorts and the beach.
Oh, yeah, I like where this is going.
And she has a friend.
- There's two girls? - Yes, three is company.
Hot damn.
When do I get to meet 'em? All you got to do is knock on their door.
- I do? - They've been waiting for you.
It's "Three's Company," Bill.
It's a popular TV show.
He forgets what he watches, and he thinks it's the future.
All right! Forget that! Let me clear my mind and start over.
I see you and a woman.
One of you is the boss.
But who is the boss? [Glass breaks] I actually saw that coming.