The Goldbergs Episode Scripts

N/A - George! George Glass!

1 Back in the '80s, Philadelphia hosted one of the most legendary charity rock concerts ever assembled Live Aid And no one wanted to go more than Big Tasty.
Dad, we need to have an insanely important talk.
And if you say, "Go to your mother," there will be serious consequences.
Not listening.
Go to your mother.
Okay, you know how all the awesome stuff happens in New York and L.
and Florida, but never here? You do know that Philadelphia is the birthplace of our country, right? Enough with your folk tales, old man! I'm talking about now.
It's called Live Aid.
The world's biggest rock concert ever is happening here this weekend, and I need your car.
What's wrong with your van? Doesn't start.
I think it needs new spark plugs or gas or something.
Point is, give me your keys and wallet.
Here's the thing no.
But I presented such a strong case! This concert's been all over the news.
There's gonna be a million morons pouring into the city, each one with bad hair and worse ideas.
But I have the worst ideas! I should be there, too.
No way I'm allowing my car to be driven in that madness.
It'll never return.
Do you even know who's performing at Live Aid? I don't know, and more importantly, I don't care.
Rick Springfield, REO Speedwagon, the Hooters, Black Sabbath, RUN-D.
, Simple Minds, Judas Priest, Led Zeppelin, Bernard Watson, Joan Baez, Four Tops, Billy Ocean, Bryan Adams, Crosby, Stills & Nash, Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, Neil Young, Bob Dylan, George Thorogood & the Destroyers, most of the Rolling Stones, all of Hall & Oates, Madonna, Phil Collins, Duran Duran, Eddie Kendricks and David Ruffin, Patti LaBelle, The Cars, Kenny Loggins, Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers, Santana, Pretenders, Ashford & Simpson Ashford & Simpson?! I'm in! Really? No! None of these names mean anything to me! I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day Adult Adam: It was October 5, 1980-something, and I had a genius plan to be the coolest freshman ever.
Big news I'm starting a club The Saturday Night Live Society.
Here we go.
It'll be awesome.
We can wear costumes and perform skits and do all their greatest characters, like the Church Lady.
[As Church Lady] Isn't that special? - Cut the crap, dude.
- You sound crazy.
We're freshmen now.
We got to start thinking about our reps.
[As Fernando] You look mah-velous.
Please! We're in public.
- Girls hate that stuff.
- We really do.
[Normal voice] Impressing girls is the least of my concerns.
I'm just trying to make it through the day.
Ohh, balls.
It's her.
She's here.
It's Waffle Girl.
Waffle Girl? Oh, yes, Waffle Girl.
She was my first crush ever.
I hadn't seen her in three years, but now that I was a freshman, I was back in her world.
So many confusing feelings.
That's all in the past, bro.
We're in the now, and that means you got to go rock that body.
Don't do that.
You already laid the groundwork when you were a small child.
Close the deal.
How? She's a junior.
I'm just a boy.
Not anymore.
Back then, you were just a creepy kid.
Now you're a man, so it's not creepy at all.
Nope, still creepy.
Just walk on over there and be like, "Yo, Waffles, remember me? Powdered sugar, sliced banana, side of sausage.
Name's Adam Goldberg.
" I can't say my name.
It's too confusing.
There's another Adam Goldberg in school.
He's a senior.
He told me in no uncertain terms that he's got dibs on the upper-class girls.
Stop using the other Adam Goldberg as an excuse.
Yeah, there's just so many other reasons why it won't work.
[Scoffs] What do you know about girls? Look, all you got to do is show her that older women don't intimidate you.
You're right! It's all about confidence! Oh, crap, here she comes.
Sausage! What's that? I'm a man now.
Oh, my God! Uh Alan, right? You used to come by the House of Waffles.
I am Alan, yes.
You were such a cute kid.
[School bell rings] Well see you around.
As I was out to prove to my first crush I was a man, Barry was still fighting my dad about going to Live Aid.
Mom! Talk some sense into this bad man! He's not letting me go to the world's most awesome concert! Well, if you're jonesing for some bitchin' tunes, what do you say we go to the Beach Boys concert, huh? God only knows what I'd be without Schmoo Oh, my God, what are you singing? Come on, go on a Surfin' Safari with your mama.
I got two tickets.
Never! The only concert Big Tasty is going to is Live Aid, and nothing will stop me.
[Engine sputters] Gah! Well, nothing except for an empty gas tank.
Doesn't matter! I'll run there if I have to! Live Aid! But Barry still wasn't deterred Oh, cramp, cramp! Until the tummy cramp and the pebble in his shoe.
Stupid pebble! Clearly, he wasn't going to the Beach Boys with my mom, so she dragged along my dad.
I can't believe I let you talk me into this.
Who knew so many people loved the delicate Doo-wops of the Beach Boys? They what? Let me see those tickets.
Live Aid? The Beach Boys are playing at Live Aid? You just took me into the eye of the storm! I had no idea.
But come to think of it, the guy at Ticketron did mention a couple of opening bands.
30 bands! We got to turn around right now.
Stop being so dramatic.
It's just a little traffic.
You go into the Live Aid.
I'll circle for three hours.
No, don't circle.
For once, can you not be so stubborn? We could be here for days! Damn it! This is my [Bleep] nightmare! As my dad was desperate to get out of traffic, I was desperate to figure out a way to show Waffle Girl I wasn't a little kid anymore.
Like any sensible adult, I stole an idea from "The Brady Bunch.
" But I do have a boyfriend.
It was a legendary episode where Jan fakes a boyfriend by naming him George, uh, Glass George Glass.
That's it George Glass.
Oh, Jan Brady, you giver of genius middle-child wisdom.
She's no Marcia, but she does have moxie.
That's how I'll impress Waffle Girl.
I'm make up a fake older girlfriend, and then she'll know I can hang with mature ladies.
I don't know what that sentence means, but go for it, kiddo.
Oh, my God! Do not "George Glass" anyone.
It's too late.
My plan is already taking shape, and her name shall be Lampy Tableson.
Lampy's not a name.
She's foreign.
She just transferred to Villanova from the University of Europe.
This Lampy sounds hot to trot.
Only a sad, desperate loser would stoop to George Glass-ing someone.
[Scoffs] His name's Jordan Wahlberg, and he just transferred to Villanova.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe your new boyfriend's in college.
Yeah, Jordy's on a swim scholarship.
He's crazy hot.
You are so lucky.
But not as lucky as finding a guy like my Geoffrey.
I can do this.
A lot of people can do that.
We are just so happy that you have finally, finally found someone, Erica.
What about you, Geoff? Are you happy for me, or is it more complicated than that? - What? - Huh? - Nothing.
Are you freaking kidding me right now?! Uh, I got to call Jordy.
While I was furious that Erica stole my idea, my furious father was still stuck in traffic! Damn it! Move, already! And then it happened.
Mur, look.
The parking gods took pity on my parents! A space.
Not just any space.
That's the greatest space of all time! [Tires screech] Son of a bitch.
Oh, come on.
Hey, buddy, I was here first! What's he doing?! He's ignoring me! Stop it.
W-Where are you going? Get back in the car! Hiya, buddy.
Listen, uh, this space It's mine.
[Horn honking] What are you What are you honking? He's honking! We'll find another space! We will not find another space.
[Horn honks] Now you're honking at a private conversation between a man and his wife.
[Horn honks] Fine.
Two can play at that game.
Honnnk! [Horn honks] Honnnk! [Horn honks] My dad spent the next hour screaming his face off.
Meanwhile, I was about to face off with a thief.
Well! If it isn't my sister, who pulled a George Glass after she specifically told me it was stupid! For you.
You lack the pathological qualities needed to pull it off.
Me? Easy breezy.
Jordan Wahlberg?! You just took two New Kids on the Block and mashed them together.
Jordy is much more than a name.
He's got big plans, and I put them down in this dossier.
For example, after he goes to the Olympics, he's going to med school to become a urologist.
That's crazy! No one wants to be a urologist.
Face it, I'm unbeatable.
I've thought of every detail.
I was made to George Glass me a guy.
Well, I was made to George Glass me a gal.
Oh! So sad, you guys have to make up pretend lovers instead of knowing the joy of a authentic one.
I'm talking about my longtime companion, Lainey.
You had a fake girlfriend from Canada for three years.
Marian Lemieux wasn't fake! I met her at camp.
We went to the same camp.
There was no Marian.
She spent all her time at the lake, but then had to leave for a modeling emergency! - It happens! - Whatever.
Point is, there's only room for one George Glasser in this family, and it's me.
The battle had begun.
It was time for me to bring Lampy to life.
Are you sure about this, dude? Yes, I'm taking my fake girlfriend to a whole new level.
A hickey equals proof.
[Vacuum cleaner whirs] [Suction pops] It kind of tickles.
Don't make this any weirder than it already is.
[Whirring stops] - How's it look? - Like you got some action.
Then do more.
I want people to know me and Lampy are the real deal.
- What's a Lampy? - Just hickey me, already! [Vacuum cleaner whirring, suction pops] This cannot fail.
- Fail! - I can see that, Dave Kim! While the vacuum was threatening to blow up my spot, my dad was still refusing to give up his.
How long are we gonna do this? Just give it up.
I was here first! According to parking rules, this space is mine.
We all know that there are no rules to parking.
Look! I'm in more of the spot than you are, so it's mine! You just said, "No rules," yet you just told me a rule, you moron! Murray, it's a stupid parking space! Stop being so stubborn! Never! I will stay here forever.
I will make this my home if I have to.
That's absurd.
How would you get ready for work? I would leave my job and move my family here.
Don't be an idiot.
This spot can hold three people, max, not a whole family! I will forsake my wife and kids and my life as I know it just for this parking space! That is a horrible thing to s Your wife is sitting right there.
Thank you, Larry.
Yes! Thank you, Larry, because this is my new home.
- Not the pants.
- Oh, yes, the pants.
Don't you do it.
Murray: And this feels just like home.
Whoo! Whoo! It feels good.
You know, I like to dig in, but this is next level, buddy.
Good luck to you, Beverly.
Ha ha! You see that, Bevy? This is what victory looks like.
And that's what the end of a concert looks like.
But we won the space, and that's not nothing.
Oh, my God.
My plan with the vacuum sucked, so my only option was to double down.
I know I keep saying this, man, but I don't know about this, man.
Shut up, Dave Kim.
My only choice is to turn these obviously fake hickeys into a convincing paintball injuries.
[Paintball gun fires] Oh, balls! Balls! Oh, balls! It hurts.
It hurts so bad! Next time, warn me.
Thought it would be better to surprise you.
Ready? - [Paintball gun fires] - Ohh! It hurts worse.
It's worse when you prepare! Don't let me prepare.
Go back to the other way.
- [Paintball gun fires] - Oh, man! Manisewitz! [Paintball gun fires] Sorry! "Funky Cold Medina"! [Paintball gun fires] So sorry.
- Mommy! Mommy! - Everyone okay? Thought I heard a woman scream.
Yeah, probably scared some freshman ladies with my extreme p-ball training.
I had no idea you played paintball.
It's totally my thing.
It's totally my thing, too.
I used to go with my college girlfriend, Paintsy McBallerson.
Want to go with me sometime? I'm always looking for a battle partner.
Uh, yeah, for sure.
It's a date.
[Paintball gun fires] Oh, my Ow! Dad, it has recently come to my attention that the Beach Boys concert mom invited me to 16 times was, in fact, Live Aid.
How about that? Yes.
"How about that?" indeed.
What the hell is that? This, Father, is a traditional mok jong, or as the uninitiated call it, a karate training post.
Well, why is it blocking "The Rockford Files.
" See, I have achieved a rage so pure, so overwhelming, I have no choice but to channel it into this wooden thing for the next three hours.
This is gonna be a whole thing, isn't it? Up windmill! Down windmill! Cross block! Hyah-hyah! Monkey steals the peach! Tiger climbs the tree! Looks like I'm not the only one upset about missing their concert.
Look, I'm a stubborn guy.
I can't change that.
You can change, and you will.
It's an impossible ask.
To start, you're taking me to Chi-Chi's, and I'm finally gonna try those sizzlin' fa-jee-tas everybody's raving about.
You know my rule about Mexican food.
Can't do it.
That's the whole point.
You won't eat Mexican food 'cause once you had bad nachos at a Phillies game.
There was a war inside me, Bevy.
That's on you for ordering beans and liquid cheese in an outdoor stadium in July.
I reject all Mexican foods forever.
We're going to Chi-Chi's, and you're gonna like it! Hyah, hyah, hyah, hyah! [Yawning] Oh, my God.
Jordan's frat threw this sick rager, and I was out till, like, dawn.
The best parties are always at Omega Sig.
My cousin Brett goes to Villanova, and he's Omega.
Oh? Wow! Yeah, I thought they can't have parties anymore since T-Bone fell off the roof.
Maybe it's not Omega Sig.
I-It's Omega Beta.
That's right.
I'm tired.
Actually, Omega Beta is a sorority.
Yeah, we know because they put out a calendar every year.
It's quite tasteful, and the proceeds go to charity.
You don't know which frat your boyfriend's in? Wait.
What color are his eyes? - Breen.
- Breen? Oh, my God, are you George Glass-ing us? George what? I mean, I don't even know what you're talking about.
Come on.
Erica, of all people, wouldn't need to make up a boyfriend.
Thank you, Geoff.
I mean, I've never even seen "The Brady Bunch.
" Oh, you clearly just referenced the thing you said you didn't know, so now I feel sad for you.
- Me too.
- It's all unraveling.
Jordan Wahlberg! All you did was combine two names from New Kids on the Block! So cute.
It's not cute.
It's real, and it's college, and breen is a color.
It's brown mixed with green, so suck it.
Well, I guess we'll believe it if and when we meet him.
You know, my Nana says that sometimes wishing makes it so.
Your pity makes it worse.
Well, well.
It appears even my pathological sister can't pull off a George Glass.
Oh, and like you're doing any better? In fact, I am.
I have a romantic paintball date with Waffle Girl.
How is paintball romantic in any way? Trust me, our love will be forged on the battlefield once she witnesses my unflinching courage and legendary bravery.
Aah! I'm so scared! That one grazed my hand a little.
Don't hurt me! I'm just a little boy! [Paintball gun fires] Wait! Alan, you dropped your gun! I don't care! [Glasses clink] Isn't this great, Mur? See how much fun we can have when you're not busy being a stubborn grump? I have to admit, it's not that bad.
And the chicken fajita for the lovely señorita.
And for the señor Bup, bup.
I ordered the steak fa-jee-tas.
My sincerest apologies, señor.
Uh, no more steak fajitas.
- No more steak fa-jee-tas? - Murray, chicken's fine.
Those people over there They were seated after us, and they got their steak fa-jee-tas.
This dinner is supposed to show me how not stubborn you are.
Don't ruin it by being extra stubborn.
Look, here's what's gonna happen.
You're gonna go to every table with steak fa-jee-tas, take one off their plate, put it on my plate.
Problem solved.
You take those chicken fa-jee-tas and put them in a corn tor-till-a right now, or I'm going home.
- Well, then go - Excuse me.
Because I'm not leaving until my fa-jee-tas are good and steaked.
End of story.
See, Bevy? It all worked out.
We didn't get fa-jee-tas, but we got something even better Cheesesteaks from Jim's.
Yes, Murray, it all worked out for you.
You can't still be mad.
Ho-ho, I am.
Mom, you should practice fighting my wooden post.
It took four hours, but I punched all the rage out of me.
You're just as bad as me.
Me stubborn? When Adam gets a bad grade, who storms down to school and refuses to leave until they change it? Me, but And who had a two-hour standoff at the deli counter about how to slice turkey breasts? Our family only eats paper-thin meats.
And who argued about the warranty of a decade-old washing machine and somehow got it replaced? I didn't do those things for me, Murray! I did them for the people I love! So, yes, I'm stubborn when it comes to my family.
But you? You're only stubborn for the things you want.
And that's not just being stubborn.
That's just being plain selfish.
My date with Waffle Girl had turned into a massacre of my dignity.
Alan, I'm pinned! You have to help me! Um, okay, Waffle Girl.
[Paintball gun fires] Ow! Ow, ow, ow! They keep hitting my hand.
Your lady's pinned, dude! You're gonna have to flank left, draw enemy fire.
I'll break right, she'll go for the flag.
Or another battle plan I flee back to the parking lot and hide under your Tercel.
On 3.
3! Ugh.
[Paintball gunfire] Oh! Oh, balls! I surrender, damn it Aah! Ew! Ow, ow, ow, Ew! I got it! That's game! [The Beach Boys' "God Only Knows" plays] You saved us, wuss bag.
I had 100 bucks riding on this, so I owe you one.
Turns out, love can sting.
But as much pain as I was in, my sister hurt even more.
Fun time at paintball? Yeah.
I kind of made an ass out of myself in front of Waffle Girl.
Can't be worse than me.
You saw what happened.
Evy outed me, and everyone thinks I'm a total joke.
Even Geoff? Especially Geoff.
Anything I can do? I wish.
Truth is, at this point, there is nothing anybody can do.
It hard to watch someone you care about hurt, but every once in a while, love can turn around and surprise you.
If you should ever leave me Murray? What is this? I screwed up.
So I, uh, went bac to Chi-Chi's.
You went back to the Mexican restaurant for me? Look, I'm a stubborn bastard.
I always will be.
But I realized the most important thing for me to be stubborn about is making you happy.
That night, my dad gave up his stubborn ways.
Enh, sort of.
Not bad.
It's not as sizzly when you do them in the microwave.
But I don't know how to work an oven, and I refuse to learn.
And yet my dad still learned for one person my mom.
Hey, Jan Brady.
You heading up to Tappa Tappa Keg to meet up with Donnie Mclntyre? It's Jordan Wahlberg.
Eddie: [Whistles] Erica! Why haven't you called me back? Kappa Phi is throwing a kegger tonight.
You coming or what? Holy! He's real? Sorry, Jordan Wahlberg, who is clearly very real and very handsome.
I told you, we're over.
[Chuckling] Okay, wait.
Adam said if I It's done, so please just go.
Hey, sorry you guys had to see that.
He's taking it hard.
Looks like it.
Are you okay? Yeah.
He just wasn't the one.
without you God only knows what I'd be without you Wow.
Looks like you're a true George Glass master.
Why did you help me? Look, Waffle Girl is just some random crush.
I don't even know her name, and she thinks mine's Alan.
But you and Geoff That's the real deal.
No one's perfect when it comes to family.
I'm still really sore.
[Chuckles] Sometimes we lie, sometimes we're stubborn.
Sometimes we get so caught up in ourselves that we forget to look out for each other.
Oh, that's the Beach Boys.
Who was I thinking of? The Monkees.
Ah, yeah, they're funny.
Maybe they'll be at the next Live Aid.
But that's family for you.
In the end, God only knows where we'd be without each other.
Punchy, punchy, kick, kick! No, man, don't do that.
I tried to park, and you jumped into the parking spot.
[Bell dinging] Yeah, that's great.
I got 20 other people who could say the same thing.
- You don't got a camera.
- Do you? - Yes.
- Come on down with it.
- I got what I want.
- Hi, Mom.
You made some headway on Operation Waffle Girl.
Only took you four years, but worth the wait.
I want to ask her out again, preferably to something not paintball.
Oh, no, you don't, Mister.
No more Waffle Girl.
She is much too old for you.
Mom, I'm an actual man now A man with needs And I'm gonna show Waffle Girl just how much of a man I am, and it's gonna get so freaky, that she is right there behind me, isn't she? I will come back in an other four years.