The Goldbergs Episode Scripts

Baré

1 Back in the '80s, there was one TV doctor that stood out more than the rest Doogie Howser, M.
D.
He was a genius teenage physician who operated on, and won, America's hearts.
And there was no bigger Doogie-head than my brother, who realized his calling in life was to be a doctor, too.
Can we turn this off and make out now? Shh! Doogie's changing how old, stuffy doctors look at medicine.
Which is exactly what Barry wanted to do, so he gave it a shot.
- Doctoring! - Oh, no! Why?! Just checking your reflexes.
Patient lacks muscle response and also see highly agitated.
Damn right I'm agitated! You just hit my knee with a hammer! (Snoring) (Gags) Oh, God! What's happening?! Patient's throat seems red and inflamed, especially that dangly part in the back.
Stay away from me! Damn it! Come back and get the remote I just threw at you! Aah! I just want to sleep, moron! Patient appears to be emotionally unstable and also gassy.
What the hell's on your face? Looks fancy and expensive.
Who's buying you this crap? There's my little Schmoopie Howser! Look what I got you at the medical-supply store today.
Noice! Good to know at least someone around here supports my dream.
Shame on you, Murray, for not believing in your future-doctor son.
I just want to get some sleep! Stop encouraging the moron! No! That's my doctor recorder I talk into for some reason! - I just want to get the damntape! - Murray! That was expensive! I just want to get the tape! Stop it! Stop it! Get away! Okay, I've decided I'm either gonna be a doctor for the Phillies or the president's personal brain surgeon.
Hey guys.
I heard the amazing news.
That my idea for Barry Goldberg Appreciation Day has been approved by the school board? I told you they said no.
I'm referring to how Lainey got accepted into the Savannah College of Art and Design.
I think Mr.
Glascott might be mistaken.
No, it's right here on official stationery.
How is this the first I'm hearing about this? Well, I must have gotten in this very second.
Yay! No, this letter says you got in over a month ago.
That's impossible! Lainey would never hide something so big from me.
Yes, that would be a terrible betrayal that would rock the very foundation of everything that you hold dear.
Read the room, dude.
Roger that.
How could this happen? We had a plan You graduate and take a year off, and then I graduate, and you follow me to the college of my choosing.
I never officially agreed to that.
Okay, fine.
But you can't go to that school without me and surround yourself with all those fashion boys.
Fashion boys? Yeah, they're all stylish and tan and love dancing the night away with each other.
I really don't think you have to worry about fashion boys.
This changes everything between us.
I guess it was my dream and I just wanted to give it a shot.
Well, I don't want you to give up your dream.
- Oh, baby.
- Idea! I'll just go to the medical school at the Savannah College of Art and Design! I checked They don't have a pre-med program.
Ugh! That school makes no sense! Look, nothing's written in stone.
I may not even go there.
But you got a full scholarship! You'd be a fool not to attend! - Not now! - Roger that.
(School bell rings) I love you.
We'll talk about this later.
- (Smooches) - Sure.
We'll figure it out.
Man, nothing, and I mean nothing survives long distance.
How is this helping? I get that a lot.
Toodles! I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was March 15th, 1980-something, and my dad was coming home from work excited to see his favorite child I'm home! Our dog, Lucky.
There she is! Oh, I love you, I love you, I love you.
And as the favorite Goldberg child, Lucky got a lot of privileges the rest of us didn't, like free snacks.
Soft pretzels, nice.
Hey! I'm sorry.
Are you an adorable pooch? (Laughing) I don't think you are.
Hands off.
She also got showered with love and kisses and whatever this is.
Come on! This is the way I talk! I'm Lucky, the Goldberg mascot! (Smooches) My dad taught her tricks, bought her outfits, even a fancy dog bed.
The rest of us not so much.
Okay, very important question On one hand, Florida has beaches, but on the other hand, Georgia has peaches.
So it's beaches versus peaches.
See my predicament? What is this? Why are you talking to me? For school.
I'm trying to decide between Emory and Miami.
They both have awesome music programs.
Oh! I can actually help you with this.
Neither.
You're telling me you'll pony up for a designer dog bed but not your own daughter's future? - Yes.
- Oh, my God! - (Whines) - Ohh! Doesn't she look like a handsome lady from the 1850s? (Background music playing) Guess what, nerd.
The dog is definitely Dad's favorite.
Oh, you saw Lucky's new waterbed, huh? It's a waterbed?! I don't even have one! It's like he loves the dog more than his own kids.
I've tried to point it out to him like a hundred times, but he won't admit it.
Well, it's time I get him to.
As my sister cooked up a plan, Barry was searching for answers.
Pops, you've lived an impossibly long time.
Tell me an old-timey story that reassures me a long-distance relationship can work.
Well, I once dated a Tunisian woman named Marwa.
We would swim in the warm waters of the Mediterranean during the day and become one on the beach at night.
- So it can work.
- It did, until her father chased me around an open-air bazaar with a scimitar.
Why did I go down this incredibly long road with you for nothing? I'll be honest with you, kiddo When I started that story, I didn't remember how it ended.
I don't know what I'm gonna do! Lainey was supposed to be by my side my entire time in medical school.
See? That's the point of my story! Love is unpredictable.
Don't try to salvage your stupid story.
I have to figure out how to be with the girl I love and go to medical school at the same time! But then, there he was The man-boy that would give Barry the answer! - Unless - No! Don't look at the boy surgeon and get some farkakte idea.
Nice chat, Pops.
Mother, you relentlessly and unrealistically support my dreams more than anyone, right? Of course I do, Pumpkin.
Not to overstate it, but I'd like to bottle you up and sell you at Bergdorf's.
That's why I need your help to make sure I become a fully licensed and accredited doctor before Lainey leaves for college.
Um, Boopie? It takes years to become a doctor.
But Doogie is 16 and already does that thing when he yells "Clear!", then shoots lightning into some dude's heart.
That sounds fun! But you're still just a boy in high school.
Step 1, take my GED, graduate tomorrow.
- What's next? - Four years of pre-med at college.
I'll do it in six weeks.
Done.
Next.
What else you got? Actual medical school, which takes another four years.
I'll knock it out in a month.
Boom! Cutting out hearts and playing God.
But to be a cardiologist, you need to do a residency at a hospital, and that's at least another two years.
I'll do it in two days.
Done! Where are my golf clubs? Dr.
Tasty's ready to save lives.
Honey, I love you, but even I don't believe all that can happen before Lainey leaves.
This is so typical of you Never supporting anything I do! Don't you say that! I support everything about you! Except this.
This is insane.
I know! This is hopeless! So if I got to choose between being a regular-aged doctor and being with Lainey, I choose her! Stop.
What are you saying? If it's between saving millions with my doctoring or saving one with my loving, then I choose to let millions die.
But I was looking forward to letting my friends ramble on about their boring sons, and when they asked me about you, I'd smugly say, "He's a doctor.
" Not anymore.
But I was gonna get personalized license plates that say "Doc's Mom" and steal all your cream samples and bother you on family vacations when I find a weird bump! - Not anymore.
- Honey? Goodbye, tongue depressors.
I guess I ate all those Popsicles for nothing.
As Barry's plan for his future was losing steam, Erica heated things up in the kitchen.
Yep, she used a single smoke alarm (Alarm beeping) to prove that Lucky was our dad's favorite.
(Muttering) Fire.
Fire! Come here, Lucky.
I gotcha.
I'll rescue you, my little princess! And so my dad proved her point Insultingly quick.
I can't believe you, dude! How could you save the dog over us? It's a dog! She doesn't know from fire alarms! You do! Just admit it Lucky is your favorite child.
You're just upset 'cause I won't pay for some fancy out-of-state school.
No, I'm upset because you don't care.
If Lucky was going to college, you'd be a hysterical mess! Don't be a moron.
There's no such thing as dog college.
What would she even study? - Frisbee catching? - Please.
Lucky hates Frisbees.
Fine Tail chasing.
Lucky doesn't chase her tail! Duh! That's why she'd take the class, to learn.
Okay! I'm sorry I introduced dog college as a concept! My point is, I'm moving out, and you haven't shown a shred of emotion about it.
- Stop.
- Well, I feel sorry for this dog, because she's stuck in this crazy family! Let me tell you something.
This dog loves this house, loves me, and isn't running off anywhere.
- (Gasps) Oh, no! - Stop! Lucky! Come to Daddy! As our dog was taking off, Barry's new career was on the runway.
People of this house! Are you ready to witness the future of fashion? What's with the getup, Barry? I no longer respond to "Barry.
" From now on, I am the fashion designer known only as Baré.
Stop it right now.
You're becoming a doctor, End of story! Never! I am and forever will be a fashion boy.
And I must get my portfolio together for Savannah.
Baré has it all, shirts, shorts, pants, also pants shorter than normal pants.
So shorts.
Damn it! I'm ignoring that and moving on.
(Dance music plays) I give you Baré Formal active wear for going to a ball or slam-dunking one.
I'm a model! (Sighs) Next, we got Naked Rob.
Baré Styles is the only clothing this nudist will wear.
It really breathes, bro.
For the tiny man who can live in a shoe, we got Andy Cogan modeling the petite line.
Aw, come on, dude! I'm helping you! And finally, we got Matthew Bradley showing off our sportsedo.
He shoots and scores With the ladies.
Oww! Okay, he's making these poor boys wear a bunch of schmattas.
You got to get involved now! (Inhales sharply) [Bleep] me.
We've been all over Jenkintown, and still no sign for Lucky.
Oh, damn it! She lost her collar! Now we'll never find her! Balls! I'm freaking out! This is your fault, Dad! Who ties a dog to the lid of a garbage can? She was only out there 'cause you staged a fake fire and ruined perfectly good fish sticks! None of this would have even happened if you could just talk to each other like normal people! I'm always willing to talk about my feelings, unlike Closed Off Johnson over here.
You want feelings? I love that damn dog! It never asks for anything, never gives me any lip, and then when I come home, she runs right up to me! Forgive me for not charging into your arms as you shed your swampy pants and head to your disgusting chair.
When you were a little girl, you used to run through the door into my arms every time I came home, and that was the best part of my day.
(Voice breaking) And now that's gone too, and my heart is broken! Oh, okay.
Yikes.
But now you're leaving, and it's so painful, I can't stand it! - Please make him stop.
- I can't.
I used to have a dog that would sit by my side and not leave, (softly) and now she's gone, too.
No! Don't cry-whisper! (Whispering) The only thing that still loves me is gone.
I'm so lonely.
- What have you done?! - What have I done?! (Weakly) I'm scared! I'm scared to be alone! We need to find the dog! Maybe she went in the Dumpster for food scraps.
Is she in there?! Of course she's not! She's a foot high and doesn't have thumbs! Aaaaaah! I may have hurt my hand, but Lainey was in for a way more painful surprise.
- Hello, Lainey Lewis.
- Aah! Not a fan of seat belts, I see.
I was just getting situated.
We need to talk about your plans to drag my boy to the Deep South to become a fashionista.
How is this on me? I've always supported his dreams, even when they've been highly questionable, like when he wanted to be a yo-yo champion or start a shelter for wayward lizards.
Look, I know you love Barry, not as much as me, but close.
And we share him now, and both have to think about what's best for him.
I get it.
I really do want what's best for him, even if what's best for him doesn't include me.
Then talk to him.
The future of Dr.
Goldberg is in your hands.
Otherwise He's Baré.
After my mom made her point, (Creaking) she made a very dramatic exit.
Just got to squeeze Aah! Stupid tiny teenage car.
Meanwhile, my sister and I were hoping to end our drama and find Lucky.
I don't know what hurts worse My shattered heart or my broken hand.
Forget the fact your fingers look like mangled sausages.
We need to find Lucky so we don't have to watch Dad cry-whisper over her ever again.
Yeah, I don't think it was about the dog.
- He was crying over you.
- Don't you say that.
It's true.
You're his Lucky.
You didn't think he cared about you leaving, but he, like, loves you so hard that he's He is broken.
He is a broken man! I know! He was so vulnerable and raw and real and devastated over me.
But this is what you wanted.
No.
No way.
It's too much.
We got to find Lucky so that Dad can put his walls back up and close himself off forever.
Let's put up those fliers, and fast.
Move, move, move! Stop, stop, stop! But as fate would have it, Lucky found us.
All we had to do was grab her.
Shh.
No sudden movements.
She'll think we're playing and bolt if we try to grab her.
- (Whines) - I got this.
Hey, Lucky, Lucky.
That's a good girl.
I got a doggie treat for Oh, balls! She's running! Don't worry.
I got this.
Ohh! My leg not good! Turns out finding Lucky was a painful experience.
Meanwhile, Lainey had some hurt in store for Barry.
'Sup? Oh, my God! What is on your body right now? Oh, this? Just my favorite Rangers jersey, sweats, hat, and scarf.
But they're the sworn enemy of the Broad Street Bullies.
That's like saying New York is a better city than Philadelphia.
Ooh.
Honestly, it is.
- Whoa, whoa.
What are you saying? - I guess I hate Philly.
- What? - And cheesesteaks.
- (Gasps) - And Rocky Balboa.
- No! - I also hate rap and BMX biking and Macho Man Randy Savage, as well as Jean-Claude Van Damme.
You must've hit your head.
You're not thinking straight.
Speaking of stupid karate people, I also hate Chuck Norris, and Bruce Lee is a wuss! Don't! Just don't! Whatever.
I'm off to watch "Breakin' 1," which is far superior to "Breakin' 2.
" Oh, God, no! "Breakin' 2" is the Electric Boogaloo! What happened to the woman I love? Hey, if you don't like it, I guess you'll just have to break up with me.
You leave me no choice.
Lainey, if it makes you happy I will completely change everything about myself.
The things I cherish, what defines who I am are meaningless if you don't like them, too.
That means no more Flavor Flav, and hit the bricks, Ron Hextall! Damn it! Why are you so sweet? All that matters is me and you.
Okay, fine! I admit it.
The Flyers are superior - to the Rangers - Yes! - "Breakin' 2" is rad - Yes! And Van Damme's oiled-up, shredded body and insane flexibility are sick.
Come back to me, baby! I just didn't want to stand in the way of you being a doctor, but I couldn't bear to break up with you myself, so I wanted you to do it for me.
But screw it.
I can't lose you next year.
Come to Savannah with me.
I don't care what your mother thinks.
Wait.
What does she have to do with this? Did she put you up to this? No.
Kinda.
I don't know.
She got in my head, and my car.
(Growling) Mmmmmmnh! Mmmmmmnh! Mmmmmmnh! Mmmmmmnh! Must release extreme rage! And so the rage was released.
Barry, wait.
I know you're mad, but please keep my name out of it.
Of course, my love.
Lainey told me everything, Mom! Come on, dude.
You didn't even make it two seconds.
Everybody stop yelling and have a calming hunk of my homemade banana bread.
- Come on.
- No! Warm, moist dessert bread will not stop our rage.
In fact, Lainey agrees.
I'm going with her to Savannah, Tennessee.
- It's in Georgia.
- Ugh.
Really? Doesn't matter.
In fact, I will never break up with Lainey.
The only person I'm gonna break up with is you.
So what are you saying? You're just gonna get married and have kids and never see me? Is that what you wish on me? More than anything! Lainey and I will have six boys.
- Wait.
What? - And three girls, and they'll be strangers to you.
Nine kids?! Are you crazy?! Shh! This doesn't concern you.
You will only be known as the weird blond lady who lives down the street, and you will never, ever be allowed in our one-bedroom condo.
Whoa! Nine kids in one room? The complex has a large common area.
Don't worry, Lainey.
Gam Gam will babysit whenever you want.
Okay, we're getting just a smidge ahead of ourselves.
We have to! Just listen to me.
Lainey, we had all these big plans.
Now everything's falling apart.
(Background music playing) With his future in shambles, Barry did what any reasonable man would, lock himself in a closet.
Barry, please come out of there.
No! I'm staying in here until I've figured out what I'm supposed to do with my life.
If you only would've agreed to the nine kids, he wouldn't be in there.
- This is your fault.
- Hey! You're the one forcing him to be a doctor to make your friends feel like losers.
(Laughs) Duh.
Yeah.
Uh, good news We found the dog.
Bad news All of Adam is broken.
So much hurting, Mama! Oh, my God! Call the hospital! This is the worst medical emergency the world has ever seen! There's a medical emergency?! Clear a path! - Where's the pain, little bro? - In my arm and my leg.
Hold tight, pal.
- Do you know what you're doing? - Don't worry.
I'll fix everything.
You didn't answer the question! Lainey, I need 50cc of ice, stat! I don't know how much that is, but I'm on it.
Come on, fast! I need it fast! Mom, I need a morphine drip.
If you can't find that, two aspirin.
On it, Schmoo.
Hurry! Move, move! Why is everyone listening to him?! He's not a medical professional! Ice! Give me my ice! Whew! That's cold.
It's okay, little buddy.
Stay with me.
Clearly, I can't go anywhere! I'm pretty sure my leg and arm are broken! Nothing is broken! Look at me! You're gonna pull through just fine! Open, damn it! Yes! Doctoring! He's gonna pull through! My one baby saved my other baby.
I really did.
I cured him.
- Except he didn't.
- Well, I was crazy-wrong.
Good thing you went to the hospital for a second opinion.
The first and only opinion! Seriously, what's wrong with everyone? Doesn't matter.
My doctoring days are done.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I got to admit When everyone was freaking out You really did take charge.
How did you know what to do? I guess I kind of felt it in here, my heart.
The other side, dude! I got a lot to learn.
So much, it's scary.
Let me re-adjust your pillow.
(Billy Joel's "This is the Time" plays) Look at that.
He's a natural.
He really is.
Lainey, I'm sorry.
I should've never mixed in.
I just want what's best for him.
- Me, too.
- But at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what we want.
It's up to Barry to decide where his life goes.
Yep, my mom and Lainey finally realized they couldn't control Barry's future, while Erica was realizing that it was time to take control of hers.
- Hey.
Can we talk? - I'm fine.
(Sniffles) I was just worried about the dog.
I didn't mean half the things I said.
Fine.
If you don't want to talk, then I will.
I never knew that you felt that way.
And now that I do, maybe I'll just go to college in Philly.
You don't want to do that.
It's okay.
There's plenty of good schools close-by.
Look, as much as I'll hate it having you gone, I'll hate it even worse if you stay here because of me.
Really? Yeah, you got to get out there.
As hard as it is for me, it's time for you to start your life.
although we'll want to This is the time Well, here we are.
When we're young, we want our future to go exactly as planned.
But then reality hits.
And sometimes it hits hard.
Barry? You have to be a doctor.
But that means that we I know what it means.
But look at how great you were with Adam.
It's what you're meant to do.
What about us and our plan to be together forever? I guess Life's something you just can't always plan out.
I don't know what I'm gonna do without you.
We still have the rest of school, the whole summer.
I hate we have this ticking clock on us.
Then I guess it only leaves us one choice To make the next few months the best ever.
I'm warm from the memory of days to come Turns out, you get too caught up in the future, you miss out on today.
'Cause even though it seems like those you love may be running off, when it comes to family, they're not going anywhere.
although we'll want to - This is the time to remember - 'Cause it will not last forever These are the days to hold on to 'Cause we won't although we'll want to This is the time As you know, now that my dreams are back on track, so are yours.
It's only a matter of time before the JTP opens the JTP The Jenkintown Practice.
- Jenkintown Practice! - Jenkintown Practice! Hey, sorry I'm late, guys.
- Hello, Doctor.
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
Doctor.
- (Sighs) - Look at the time.
I got to go.
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
Doctor.