The Good Place (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - Jason Mendoza

1 Hang on, hang on You're not supposed to be here either? You're a mistake, just like me? Yeah, and I'm freaking out, dog.
There's so much thoughts in my brain, it's like my head is filled with rocks.
How have you managed to stay undiscovered? Because I have had to dodge and weave and barely escape with my life, and you don't seem like a super genius.
Hello, Jianyu.
I'm Michael.
Before we start, I know you were a Buddhist monk and kept a vow of silence.
Would you prefer to remain silent here as well? You literally haven't said a word since we got here? Yeah.
When I say I'm meditating, I'm just trying to figure out what the fork is happening.
I think we might be in an alien zoo or on a prank show.
No, Jianyu, we're dead.
Whoa, that's a dope prank.
Pfff.
Got to give it up.
Okay, I need to make sure that this isn't some sort of weird trap.
Is your real name Jianyu? No.
It's Jason Mendoza.
And by the way, everyone here thinks I'm Taiwanese.
I'm Filipino.
That's racist.
Heaven is so racist.
But Tahani said that you helped Michael by putting your hand on his chest and doing some sort of healing magic.
Yeah.
A nurse did that to calm me down once when I crashed my Jet Ski into a manatee.
You crashed your Jet Ski into a manatee? Yeah.
I'm from Jacksonville, Florida.
It happens a lot.
What did you do for a living? I was an amateur DJ specializing in EDM.
Electronic dance music.
I was also an amateur hip-hop backup dancer, an amateur body spray inventor um, I did pranks on Vine.
None of those are jobs.
What did you do to make money? Oh, I sold fake drugs to college kids.
Okay, good.
Okay, here's my biggest question: how did you know that I didn't belong here? I figured it out the very first night, at the party, using my powers of deduction.
I heard you don't talk.
Well, here's something for you to not talk about.
I don't belong here.
[laughs] They made a mistake.
Total phony.
So, shh! Okay, later, man.
Okay.
I vaguely remember that.
I believe you, Jason.
You're not supposed to be here.
Welcome to the bottom of the barrel.
Hello, Tahani.
Oh, hello, Michael.
I was just picking out some fresh orchids for my nightly orchid bath.
So, Tahani, one of your fellow residents is opening a new restaurant tonight.
This neighborhood could use a real morale boost.
And since you're an expert at event planning, I was hoping that you would help with the grand opening.
Oh, Michael, say no more.
I wasn't going to.
I was done.
Well, good, because of course I will.
Janet? - Hey, there.
- Oh, hello, darling.
I would like to model tonight's event on my most successful gala.
That would be 2006 fundraiser for stem cell research in Barcelona.
"Barthelona," actually.
Oh, it was a perfect evening.
Princess Stephanie was there, as were Posh and Becks.
You know, "International Sophisticate Magazine" gave us five Gwyneths.
[giggles] Tonight, I'm going to select my jauntiest suit, and I may even wear suspenders.
It's one of the human clothing items I'm most eager to try.
Oh, well, good luck.
Thank you.
Yes, yes.
I'm excited.
And a little nervous.
I'd say that I'm cautiously optimistic.
[laughing] I hope I don't chicken out at the last second.
Sorry we are talking about suspenders, right? Like these? You can do that with oh! [laughs] I cannot wait.
Excellent.
So, Tahani has no idea about me? No.
She thinks I'm a monk, and she thinks you're her best friend.
Great.
I mean, for us.
It's a huge bummer for her.
We need someplace that we can talk in private.
I agree.
Let me show you my bud-hole.
What? I should warn you: it's a little messy.
This is my bud-hole.
It's just, like, a hole where me and my buds can hang out.
Oh, bud-hole! Okay, now I get it.
I wrote down on a piece of paper that I needed a private meditation area.
Tahani will never come in.
Pretty unique decorating style you have here, Jianyu.
It's like, "12-year-old boy" meets "13-year-old boy.
" Thanks.
Janet helped me get all this stuff.
She rules.
Is she single, or is she married to Michael? No, no, dude, you cannot date Janet.
A: she's not human.
And B: you have to keep pretending to be Tahani's soul mate.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Cool.
Okay, just sit tight, dude.
I have a class to get to.
Wha a class? I didn't know there were classes.
Chidi is trying to teach me to be a good person.
And it's really hard.
Also, Michael has asked me to be his assistant, whatever that means.
My whole situation here is getting more and more dicey, so I'm actually really glad to have a place I can come when I just want to be myself.
Yeah.
I miss being myself.
Myself was the best.
[crowd shouting] [EDM music playing] Whoo! Whoo! What's up, man? You're Jason? You got two minutes.
Fred Durst is throwing an orgy on a partially capsized yacht.
My dad just texted.
It already started.
So I'll get right to the point.
I listened to your demo.
You're terrible.
- Really? - Yeah.
Okay? You just don't have any what's the word? Talent.
But don't worry.
You got something better than talent, man.
You got my approximate size and weight.
I'm supposed to play this club for the rest of the week, but I just got an offer to DJ Scott Disick's after party for the Amateur Porn Awards in Reno.
Whoa! Congrats, bro.
That's the dream.
It's your dream, man.
It's my Tuesday.
I just need somebody to fill in.
Put on the helmet.
Press spacebar on the computer.
Those idiots won't know the difference.
For the next week, Jason, you are Acidcat.
Whoa, there's a lot of old gum in here.
Tahani, how are things going in the front of the house? Because, to be perfectly frank, things in the kitchen are going great, okay? I am right on schedule.
Chef Patricia, I have triple-checked every single detail.
Your restaurant opening is going to be the talk of the entire neighborhood.
Thank you for your thoughtfulness and hard work.
I could not have done this without you.
Ah, hello, Tahani.
Sorry.
I should've warned you.
Patricia is actually very happy, but she's also very intense.
It can be confusing.
No, no, no, that's not what's bothering me.
It's just that, well, I looked at the guest list earlier, and Jianyu isn't invited.
Right.
Jianyu is a beautiful spirit, but he literally doesn't talk, and since this will be an evening of lively conversation, and you'll be busy working, I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable.
I totally understand.
Well reasoned, Michael.
As us Brits are fond of saying, "try your best to hide your sadness.
" So, the concept of the self is a key subject for a lot of great thinkers.
In the "Tao Te Ching," Lao Tzu wrote, "Knowing others is wisdom, but knowing the self is enlightenment.
" Ahh, "knowing" yourself.
Is he talking about what I think he's talking about? No, Eleanor.
Once again, none of these philosophers is ever talking about masturbation.
Let's move on to this week's main event, David Hume's "A Treatise of Human Nature.
" - You read this, right? - I did.
Well, I tried to.
Well, I tried to want to.
Um, actually, could we postpone this lesson? I've befriended Jianyu from next door, and I thought I could learn from him.
That's a great idea.
Hume's "bundle theory" of the self is fairly close to Buddhism.
Yeah.
No durr.
That's why I'm doing it.
[distant music thumping] Do you hear music? That's not music.
That's EDM.
What are you doing? Eleanor, you were right.
No more pretending.
It's time for me to be myself.
What's up, homie? Eleanor? You broke Jianyu.
Okay, did we miss anything? Ugh, take that jersey off, you goofball.
Okay.
This is not my fault.
I swear.
Eleanor, one hour ago, that man was a silent Buddhist monk.
Right.
But here's the thing: Jianyu is actually a guy who is nice.
Hi, Tahani.
Eleanor, Chidi, What a lovely surprise.
Don't mind me.
I'm just dropping off my afternoon gloves, and picking up my early evening gloves.
How are you, soul mate? I'm cool.
I'm sorry.
[laughs] Am I going mad, or did I just hear you say, "I'm cool"? Mmm, mm-mm.
I don't think so.
I don't think that happened.
You're you're wrong.
I see what's going on here.
You've got a whisper in your snickerbox.
You're both helping Jianyu to regain his confidence to be able to speak again as a surprise for me! Oh, busted.
My heart is soaring.
So, Jianyu is talking? Oh, how wonderful! I will do everything in my power to encourage him.
Well, not everything.
I won't give him a second mouth.
Unless that would be helpful.
No.
Better not risk it.
I've actually had a better idea.
- Oh.
- Let's add Jianyu to the guest list.
Chidi and Eleanor have been working with him, - and they're going to be here.
- What a great idea.
Patricia! We can fit another chair, right? Change the floor plan an hour before opening? Of course! The more the merrier! Hurrah! I knew tonight was going to be perfect, but now it's going to be even perfect-er.
Obviously, it's impossible for something to be more perfect than perfect Well, it isn't, actually.
Any place or thing in the universe can be up to 104% perfect.
That's how you got Beyoncé.
Oh! Oh, bud-hole.
Okay.
Now, tell me everything.
Okay, Jianyu is a fraud, just like me.
His real name is Jason.
He's a drug-dealing DJ from Florida.
It's gonna be fine.
We just need a plan.
Oh, I got a plan.
We hack into Michael's phone, download all his nudes, and then blackmail him.
No.
What are you t no.
Yo, you should listen to me.
I came up with hundreds of plans in my life, and only one of them got me killed.
Dude, be quiet.
You are not Jason.
You are a monk named Jianyu.
Got it? [sighs] - [crowd cheering] - [music stops] Hoo hoo hoo! Oh, another great set, Jason.
They love you, dude.
They don't love me, man.
They love Acidcat.
These cheers are fake.
They hit my ears like boxing gloves of sadness.
Whoa, that's some poetic thoughts, B.
I got to be myself.
[crowd cheering] Attention, Jacksonville.
I'm not Acidcat.
I'm Mr.
Music, the DJ.
And this is a Mr.
Music, the DJ original.
Pow! [dance music plays] Whoo! [crowd booing] Aah! [glass clinking] Welcome to the opening of The Good Plates.
[laughs] I just got that.
[laughter] That's hilarious! Anyway, at some point or another, every resident in this neighborhood will fulfill his or her soul's true purpose.
Chef Patricia has done that tonight by opening this restaurant.
Now if you'd all like to take a look at tonight's menus That's right.
With Michael's help, Chef Patricia has recreated each person's favorite meal on Earth.
Fun! [laughing] [chatter] It's my Grandmother's maafe.
Fresh perch, slow-roasted in a peanut sauce.
Almost makes me forget how miserable I am right now.
You want to try a bite? Fish and peanut butter? No, I'm good.
Thanks.
Tofu? Oh, man.
I'ma order some jalapeño poppers.
Shh.
Be quiet and eat your white sponge.
Janet? - Hi, there.
- Hi.
I didn't get a meal.
According to our files, your favorite meal was the hunger strike you went on to protest Bolivian sex trafficking.
Oh, right.
Of course I did that.
Tahani, great party.
Check it out.
Suspenders! [laughing] So dumb.
So much dumber than belts.
[laughing] Oh, congratulations, Michael.
How's Jianyu doing? Is he opening up? Mm, not yet.
But I can tell he wants to.
Don't worry.
I've got a plan.
May I have your attention, please? Later this evening, we will be enjoying Chef Patricia's delicious dessert, a stunning three-tiered cake that took her a full week to complete.
But first, I'd like to try something fun.
Each one of you has a very special memory attached to the meal you're eating.
Why don't we go around the room and share our stories? Who'd like to begin? I'll start, Michael.
[clears throat] One day, I wasn't feeling so great, so I made myself a bowl of this chicken soup When it gets to you, say something short and boring about tofu.
No.
I'm sick of pretending to be Jianyu, the tofu man.
I'm gonna tell the story about my real favorite meal.
- Which is? - The Buffalo wings at Stupid Nick's Wing Dump in Gainesville.
Wings were free for ladies if they took their top off.
Oh, boy.
- Chidi, a word? - Yeah.
Anyway, that's how this simple soup saved over 10,000 lives.
If Jianyu starts talking about topless Buffalo wing restaurants, we're all screwed.
Jianyu Li, a Taiwanese monk who took a vow of silence at the age of eight and hasn't spoken since, is ready to share with us.
Let me tell you about Stupid Nick.
We need a distraction right the fork now.
No, no, no, no, no.
Eleanor, Chef Patricia poured her heart and soul into this.
Destroying it would be a truly cruel act.
Yeah, no durr.
No, no, no oh! [all screaming] Sinkhole! Everyone out! There's a sinkhole! [all screaming] Aah! Glenn! You broke the world.
That's not a compliment.
Glenn, stay calm.
We're gonna get you out of there.
And we'll put your soup in the fridge so it won't go to waste.
I know that may not be your number one concern right now, but It was up there.
It's real good soup.
Let's go.
Hey, buddy.
You okay? No.
I was just about to tell an awesome story about a wing eating contest that I lost and a barfing contest that I won, but then a hole opened up in the ground.
I know.
I made the hole to save you from yourself.
You cannot let people know who you really are.
It would be very, very bad.
Beautiful, beautiful Jacksonville.
What's wrong, dog? You look like you're freaking out.
Things are bad, Pillboi.
Acidcat is suing me for "bleach of contract.
" I should have never pretended to be someone else.
It could cost me all my dreams in life.
You got dreams in life? That's lit.
Of course I have dreams, man.
I don't want to be a DJ in Jacksonville forever.
I want to DJ in Daytona, Tallahassee, Tampa, even.
I want it all.
That's big goals, man.
I know, but I believe in myself.
Someday, the world will see what I already know: that Jason Mendoza is a beautiful, unique soul who has so much to give this world.
Okay, that's Acidcat's speedboat.
Hand me the thing that blows it up.
[Pillboi yells indistinctly] [boom] Michael, I hereby tender my resignation.
I can no longer in good conscience coordinate any further events in The Good Place.
So, I am turning in my evening gloves.
- Tahani - Don't try to make me feel better.
The launch was a disaster.
Poor Jianyu was so terrified that I fear he may never speak again.
My hair is barely cascading down my shoulders.
Tahani, please.
I know your journey with Jianyu has been frustrating, but your situation is actually very typical.
Soul mates sometimes take months to really click.
You have to be patient.
And if anyone should take the blame for the restaurant disaster, it's me.
I thought this neighborhood's troubles were behind us.
Now I fear the worst.
Michael, I hereby rescind the tendering of my resignation.
We must keep the neighborhood together.
- What can I do? - Oh, well, the sinkhole should be repairing itself in about three days.
Well, as soon as it does, we shall re-launch the restaurant.
I'll hang posters to get the word out, and in the meantime, I'll host a brunch party every morning to lift people's spirits.
- Ah! - While you repair the universe, I shall prepare the eggs.
Oh, fanciful wordplay.
Indeed.
That is the Tahani that you know and love.
- So what do we do here? - There's nothing to do.
He's just gonna blab and get him and me both sent to The Bad Place.
It's hopeless.
I can't believe I'm doing this, but, Jason, please come to my classroom.
I will teach you ethics, like I'm doing with Eleanor.
And if you work hard and absorb the material, you just might be able to earn your place here.
[light, suspenseful music] No, I'm good.
[game gunfire continue] Dude, Chidi is giving you a lifeline right now, and you need to take it because you suck.
- You suck! - I know! That's what I'm trying to tell you.
We both suck.
You know who doesn't suck? Chidi.
He is putting himself in danger to help us, because he, unlike us, is an amazing person.
I didn't get into heaven to go to school.
You didn't get into heaven at all, shirt-for-brains.
I just want to be myself.
That's a very, very bad idea.
Do not be yourself.
You need to be a better version of yourself, okay? And I do too.
And our only hope right now is this kind, selfless, amazing nerd.
Think about that.
Do you have to call me a nerd so much? I said a lot of other nice things, okay? Toughen up, nerd.
Let's get crackin', Teach.
I read this entire David Hume book, and then I read it again because I didn't understand it the first time, and now I'm ready to go.
Wow, that's really impressive.
Where's Jianyu? Honestly, I don't even know if he's coming.
I am here to learn about ethnics.
Wow, that's great, man.
I mean, it's "ethics," but that's great.
Pretty sure it's "ethnics.
" Hey, buddy, I'm proud of you.
This is your first step towards not sucking.
Cool.
I just have two questions: when are football tryouts? And does this school have a prom? Oh, no.
Oh, wow.
For the first time ever, I'm the smartest kid in class.
[rumbling] [suspenseful music] [rumbling] [rocks clattering] [wood creaking] [gasps] [ominous music]