The Honeymooners (1955) s04e19 Episode Script
Ralph Kramden, Inc.
With the stars and ( birds chirping ) As I live and breathe, a yellow-bellied sapsucker.
RALPH: Hiya, Norton.
Hey there.
What do you say, Ralph? Just a minute.
I'll be right with you.
I've got to make an entry in my bird- watching book here.
I just seen a yellow -bellied sapsucker.
"Bird seen: "Yellow-bellied sapsucker.
"Place where seen: Central Park.
" You know, there's one thing that bothers me.
They're not supposed to be within 3,000 miles of here.
Well, how do you know it's a yellow-bellied sapsucker? Don't forget, last week you saw a robin with a wishbone in its mouth, you said it was a chicken hawk.
Nevertheless, I'm sure this is a yellow -bellied sapsucker.
Why are you sure it's a yellow-bellied sapsucker? What else could it be? It's got a yellow belly and it was sucking sap.
I don't know why a man of your age watches birds.
Why shouldn't I watch them? They watch me, don't they? The only bird that watches you, Norton, is a woodpecker.
Hey, look, Ralph, the runt of the litter.
Look, Norton I asked to have lunch with you in the park because I got something very important I want to talk to you about.
What? I want you to do me a favor.
What do you want? I don't know, but somehow or another I made a mistake in the bus today and made the wrong change.
I must have given somebody a $20 bill for a dollar bill.
Now, I got to turn in my receipts to the cashier at 5:00 tonight.
Will you lend me the money? and you can do anything you want with it.
It's just what you don't do with it.
What don't I do with it? You don't pay me back.
Look, Norton, don't lend me the money.
All I want you to do is invest $20 in me.
What do you mean invest? I'll tell you what I mean.
Norton, let's face it, I'm a man with big ideas and sooner or later, one of those ideas are going to catch on.
And when they do, I'm going to be a big shot.
And do you know what happens to people who become big shots? Yeah, they forget their relatives.
No, Norton, they incorporate.
They incorporate! I'm going to become a corporation.
Do you know what a corporation is? Yeah, I know what a corporation is.
When a person or a group of persons duly authorized to sell, distribute shares, become avowed with the intention of the stockholders grouping about together, with those shares with the intention of selling the shares, comes to an evil interest there.
How did you know that? Ever hear of Merrill, Lynch, Pierce, Pierce and Bean? Yes.
They got an office right outside a downtown sewer I work in.
Well, I'm glad you know what a corporation is Norton, because then you'll understand what a great opportunity I'm offering you when I tell you that I will sell you a percentage.
For $20, a 20% percentage of the Ralph Kramden Corporation.
How do you like that? Trixie forgot the ketchup.
Of course, I can't give you too much stock.
I can only sell you a few shares but well, I still think you'll make a profit on it.
Well? Well, isn't it appealing to you? No, it don't.
I don't like liverwurst without ketchup.
Will you stop with the liverwurst! I'm talking high finance! Look, for $20 you get 20% of all the money I make over and above my salary.
Listen to me, will you, Ralph? My mother didn't raise no stupid children, you know.
I work hard for the money I earn there down in that sewer.
It's no easy job, you know.
Some days I get it right up to here! If I'm going to invest my money in any proposition, believe you me, it's got to-it's got to make sense.
It's got to have a sound, logical, business foundation.
Only then will I "make the plunge," as we say in the trade.
Norton, I'm very happy to hear you speak like that.
You sound like an intelligent man, and that's exactly the type man that I want in my corporation to be vice president.
And if you give me the $20 and get 20% of my corporation, I am making you the vice president.
Hmm.
Me a veep? Now you're talking sense.
Wait a minute, pal.
Here.
Here's the 20 bucks.
Thank you.
And I certainly am lucky to get a man like you for vice president.
Yeah.
I say that this calls for a toast.
There you are.
Thank you.
To the corporation.
To Ralph Kramden, the president, Edward L.
Norton, vice president and chairman of the board.
Wait a minute, hold it.
Hold it, don't move.
By Jove, it isn't another yellow-bellied sapsucker! Boy, oh, boy.
Two yellow-bellied sapsuckers in the same day.
Boy, I ought to phone the Society about this.
What makes you believe anyone is going to believe you, when you tell them you saw two yellow-bellied sapsuckers in a park where they're not suppose to be within 300,000 miles of? Wait a minute, Ralph, you got a point there.
But I know how I can fix it.
"Bird seen: Two yellow- bellied sapsuckers.
"Place where seen: Albuquerque, New Mexico.
" ( laughing ) I'm certainly lucky to get a man like you to be my vice president, Norton.
Yellow-bellied sapsucker.
Oh! Ow ow.
What's the matter? Ow, I burned my fingers on that darn stove.
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart.
Boy, you're always burning something there.
If it ain't your finger, it's my food.
It's no joke, Ralph.
I'm only kidding, sweetie.
There, feel better now? No, it doesn't.
I'm telling you something, Ralph.
That stove is a booby trap.
One of these days, it's going to blow both of us up to smithereens.
If you are hinting that I should buy a new stove, you'll have to get a better idea than that.
Now, look, get to work on the old stove and cook my new supper.
You can cook your own new supper.
Don't think your attitude scares me, Alice.
I'll get my own supper.
I'm pretty good at it.
( door opening, closing ) Hey, there, Ralph.
What are you doing? Oh, uh, I'm getting my own supper.
Alice isn't feeling too good so I'm doing her a favor.
Oh.
Well, uh ( clears throat ) Ralph, I wanted to have a little talk with you about the corporation.
I've been vice president for about a week now and you ain't showing no profit.
I had a stockholders meeting with myself and, uh, I've come to the conclusion that I'm getting a little impatient.
Haven't you got any business ethics? How can you interrupt the president of the corporation while he's eating? All right, I'll wait till you're through.
Ralph, uh, could I have a banana? Go ahead.
Ain't got no bananas.
Could I have an apple? Go ahead.
Ain't got no apples, either.
Could I have an orange? Go ahead! Haven't got any oranges either.
You want a peanut butter sandwich? I don't like peanut butter.
I like apples or bananas or oranges.
Hey, what kind of peanut butter is that? Is that the crunchy kind? Yes, it's the crunchy kind, and I can prove it to you.
When this jar hits your head, you'll hear a crunch! Don't get excited, will you? Remember, you're talking to the vice president of Ralph Kramden, Incorporated.
All I'd like to do is eat in peace.
Go ahead, who's stopping you? Fine thing for a president of a corporation to be eating-- peanut butter sandwich.
You ought to be eating something that'll stick to those fat little ribs of yours.
Do you mind leaving this apartment and going back upstairs? All right, all right.
I'm going, but I-I got this to tell you.
I'm going to leave your corporation in a state of bankruptcy.
I'm withdrawing my $20.
You told me that every time you turn around I'd make money.
Well, so far you ain't been exactly no pinwheel.
I thought the whole thing over, you know.
You got a corporation, I got 20% of it.
I got 20% of nothing.
How can you get rich on 20% of nothing? Is that what you're beefin' about, 20%? All right, you got 30%.
It's 35% or nothing.
It's a deal.
It's a deal.
( laughing ) Ralph, I-I hope I didn't offend you, Ralph, but, uh, you know the way I drive a hard bargain.
I got to watch out for my interests.
I got to admit, you put it over on me that time, Norton.
( knocking on door ) Come in.
Mr.
Ralph Kramden? Yeah.
My name is Frederick Parsons.
I'm an attorney.
An attorney? My firm is handling the estate of the late Mary Monahan.
I suppose you'll remember her, she used to ride on your bus.
Mary Monahan.
That's the old lady I used to help on and off.
She used to get on the bus for years.
I didn't see her lately.
I was wondering what happened to her.
Gee, that's a shame.
Well, she didn't forget your kindness.
She remembered you in her will.
Now, the will is going to be read tomorrow, Friday morning, at 10:00 at her apartment.
Will you be there? Sure, I'll be there if you want me to.
How come a poor lady like that is making out a will? Well, she wasn't exactly poor.
She wasn't? No.
Her estate was valued at roughly $40 million.
See you Friday.
How about that? $40 million! Alice! Alice! $40 million! I'm inheriting $40 million! ( groaning ) Ed, what happened? What do you mean what happened? He fainted, can't you see? Fine thing.
Guy inherits $40 million and he faints.
( gasps ) What am I saying? belongs to me.
( groans ) Ralph, your breakfast is ready.
RALPH: I haven't I haven't got time to eat breakfast! Well why not? It's only 8:30.
The lawyer said they wouldn't read the will until 10:00.
Alice why must you hide things where I can't find them? Where's the shoe polish? In the top left-hand drawer.
It's not in the top hand dress pant drawer! It must be there.
It must be, huh? It must be.
It must be, but it's not! Don't always say "it must be," Alice.
What you mean is "maybe," not "must be.
" Maybe! This must be it maybe.
You and your snide remarks.
Ralph, will you calm down a little bit? If you don't take it easy, you know, you'll be a nervous wreck by the time that will is read.
I am not nervous, Alice.
I am not nervous.
I may be a little excited inheriting $40 million, but I am not nervous.
No.
No, you're not nervous, Ralph.
You're not nervous at all.
You just read an Esquire where the well-dressed man always polishes his socks.
I want to tell you something.
Ralph, I know you're a little bit excited, but after all, the will hasn't been read yet.
We don't know how much she's leaving you.
What do you mean we don't know? You keep talking about millions, Ralph.
It may just be hundreds.
What are you talking about hundreds? She's leaving $40 million, isn't she? It said in the papers this morning she's only got one other relative.
One living relative! A nephew.
And she doesn't like him.
The paper said she had no use for him.
Ralph, that's her own living relative.
Her own flesh and blood.
He might contest the will.
Contest it? Contest it? Har, har, hardy, har, har.
What do you mean contest it? Did he ever help her off a bus and help her on one? You may not realize this, Alice, but, in a few hours, I'm going to be a very rich man.
Ralph, all I'm saying is don't count your chickens before they're hatched.
And remember, Norton gets Don't worry, I can take care of him.
What do you mean? Ralph, you wouldn't cheat Norton out of his share? Of course not.
I'm not going to cheat him.
I'm just going to try to do what's best for everybody.
You know how people act when they get a lot of money.
They go nuts.
You know how Norton is, he's the nervous type.
He'd really go nuts if he got his hands on anything.
First thing you know, he'd quit his job in the sewer.
Next thing he'd do is buy clothes, buy automobiles, yachts.
Start taking a tour around the world.
Drinking champagne, eating caviar.
First thing you know, he wouldn't come home.
Poor Trixie pleading with him, "Please, come home, Norton.
" Him laughing at her.
That would be a nice thing, wouldn't it? After all she's done for him, pleading for him to come home and him laughing at her! Well, if you think that I'm going to do that to such a nice girl like Trixie, you're crazy! ( Alice moans ) Hi, there, Alice.
Oh, hi, Ed.
You want some coffee? No, I already had breakfast.
How about a second breakfast? I already had that, too.
It'd be kind of ridiculous to have three breakfasts, wouldn't it? Yeah.
I'll tell you what I will do though.
I'll, uh, start on my first lunch.
There you go.
Hey Alice Yeah.
Oh, Norton, I'm glad you're here.
I want to talk to you.
Hey, listen, listen, it's getting late.
We'll talk on the way down to the Monahan mansion.
We'll talk on the way.
You don't think for one minute that you're going to the reading of the will with me, do you? Well, of course I'm going, Ralph.
You'll need me.
You don't think of the small details.
The little things.
For instance Did you happen to think of that? And what is that for? The small details, Ralph.
You can't come away from that place with $40 million in your pocket.
You've got to have something to carry it in.
There you are, there's the vice president talking.
Well, are you sure that the bag will hold $40 million? A bag like that.
Yeah, this'll do the trick.
Is that so? Why don't you make sure? Why don't you run upstairs and cut some paper money into the shape of dollar bills and see if they'll all fit in there.
The small details.
Ed.
What? Is Trixie upstairs? Yeah, she's upstairs.
She's waiting till I get back.
We are going to make a trip that I have always wanted to make.
A trip? Yeah, now that we're getting into the millions, I'm going to do something that I always wanted to do-- going on a second honeymoon to Niagara Falls, only this time, we ain't hitchhiking.
I'll just run up and see Trix.
All right.
Come on, Ralph.
Will you snap it up? I'm anxious to collect that 35% of the $40 million.
What do you mean collect it? What do you mean collect it? You can't take that money out of the corporation.
It's got to stay in there.
That's what a corporation is for-- to put money in and let it grow.
Ralph, this has grown enough.
belongs to the stockholders.
This is only the start.
Look, as president of this corporation, already, from just $20 you gave me, I'm already making you millions! Look, you got to leave it there.
You got to leave it in the corporation.
Then I invest it, then I reinvest it, and then re-re-reinvest it.
Before I finish with you, pal, I'll have you out of that sewer.
$40 million, to the stockholders.
Will you stop saying $40 million? It's not $40 million, you know.
When you inherit $40 million, do you know how much you have left? Let me give you an example.
the stockholders.
Will you stop saying that? Now, look, this piece of paper represents $40 million.
All right, I inherit $40 million.
Right away comes federal income tax.
Then comes the state tax.
Then comes the city tax.
Then a few miscellaneous taxes.
Then you have to pay for the lawyers, and that is what is left of $40 million.
to the stockholders.
Come on.
Come on.
Come, Fortune.
Eat your breakfast.
Come now, Fortune.
You've got to eat, you know? Is everything ready in here? Mr.
Carson is going to read the will.
Everything is ready as it will ever be.
But I'm worried about Fortune, Bascomb.
Oh He isn't eating.
Oh, poor little dear.
He misses Mrs.
Monahan.
Yes.
Come, Fortune, eat your breakfast.
( doorbell ringing ) Ah, there's the doorbell.
It must be that Mr.
Kramden that they were expecting.
Mr.
Carson and the others have been waiting, I'll tell them you're here.
Thank you very much.
How do you do? Hey.
Hey, hey, look.
Today I seen a parrot.
Oh, will you stop that? Now, look, Norton, I'm telling you now and I'm telling you for the last time-- don't embarrass me here.
Can't I even look around? All right, but don't touch anything.
Eeh.
What a grouch.
Boy, how about this place? This is real class, huh? Oh Bet you they spent at least a hundred dollars on the furniture in this room alone.
Sure.
Hey, hey, Ralph.
Look.
What? I bet this guy had a rotten barber.
( laughing ) ( mutters ) Oh, there you are.
Oh, how do you do, Mr.
Carson? I'm sorry I'm late but I was taking care of my corporation.
We were about to start without you, but there are some things that just can't wait.
( laughs ): Like we say in the sewer, "Time and tide wait for no man.
" ( clears throat ) Uh, this is my business associate, Mr.
Norton.
Mr.
Carson.
Well this is Mr.
Bradley, Mrs.
Monahan's nephew.
Oh ( chuckles ) So, you're the bus driver.
Yeah.
I'm very glad to meet you.
No hard feelings, of course.
You know how fickle fate can be.
Better luck next time.
( both laughing ) Well, if we'll all be seated now, we'll get on with it.
Why certainly.
This shouldn't take very long.
This will is quite short and there's no question as to its legality, so I'll skip the technicalities and get right down to the bequests.
( clears throat ) "To Herbert Bascomb "my butler, "for his many years of faithful service, I leave the sum of $50,000.
" ( gasps ) Sorry, a little habit I picked up watching the quiz shows.
"To my maid, Mary O'Donnell I leave the sum of $25,000.
" ( gasps ) ( crying loudly ) Some people are never satisfied.
"To my nephew, Robert Hilliard Bradley, "who by his gambling and philandering "has shown himself to be "utterly incapable of handling money, "I leave the sum of one dollar "which will undoubtedly be promptly deposited with his bookmaker.
" I, uh, hope you pick a winner with it.
( laughing ) Please, please, may I continue? Certainly.
"To Ralph Kramden, my favorite bus driver ( chuckles ) I leave my fortune.
" I'm rich! I'm rich! I'm rich, I'm rich! Please, Mr.
Kramden, Mr.
Kramden.
Please, control yourselves.
I'm rich.
I'm sorry, I it came so sudden, I wasn't expecting it.
"Ralph Kramden has shown himself to be "kind, sober, courteous and conscientious.
"And to such a man, "and only such a man would I entrust my fortune.
" I'm rich! I'm rich! We're rich! Please, please! I'm not finished, I'm not finished.
Now let's see, where was I? Oh, yes.
"To such a man and only such a man "would I entrust my fortune.
"I, therefore, direct "that immediately upon the reading of this will, Ralph Kramden take possession of my fortune.
" Get the bag.
Bascomb.
Mr.
Kramden, this is Fortune, and according to the will, you take immediate possession.
( stammering ) ( stammering ) ( humming, stammering ) ( groaning ) Uh, excuse me, Mr.
Carson.
Yes? Am I to understand that this is the fortune? Yes.
( gasping ) ( stammering )
RALPH: Hiya, Norton.
Hey there.
What do you say, Ralph? Just a minute.
I'll be right with you.
I've got to make an entry in my bird- watching book here.
I just seen a yellow -bellied sapsucker.
"Bird seen: "Yellow-bellied sapsucker.
"Place where seen: Central Park.
" You know, there's one thing that bothers me.
They're not supposed to be within 3,000 miles of here.
Well, how do you know it's a yellow-bellied sapsucker? Don't forget, last week you saw a robin with a wishbone in its mouth, you said it was a chicken hawk.
Nevertheless, I'm sure this is a yellow -bellied sapsucker.
Why are you sure it's a yellow-bellied sapsucker? What else could it be? It's got a yellow belly and it was sucking sap.
I don't know why a man of your age watches birds.
Why shouldn't I watch them? They watch me, don't they? The only bird that watches you, Norton, is a woodpecker.
Hey, look, Ralph, the runt of the litter.
Look, Norton I asked to have lunch with you in the park because I got something very important I want to talk to you about.
What? I want you to do me a favor.
What do you want? I don't know, but somehow or another I made a mistake in the bus today and made the wrong change.
I must have given somebody a $20 bill for a dollar bill.
Now, I got to turn in my receipts to the cashier at 5:00 tonight.
Will you lend me the money? and you can do anything you want with it.
It's just what you don't do with it.
What don't I do with it? You don't pay me back.
Look, Norton, don't lend me the money.
All I want you to do is invest $20 in me.
What do you mean invest? I'll tell you what I mean.
Norton, let's face it, I'm a man with big ideas and sooner or later, one of those ideas are going to catch on.
And when they do, I'm going to be a big shot.
And do you know what happens to people who become big shots? Yeah, they forget their relatives.
No, Norton, they incorporate.
They incorporate! I'm going to become a corporation.
Do you know what a corporation is? Yeah, I know what a corporation is.
When a person or a group of persons duly authorized to sell, distribute shares, become avowed with the intention of the stockholders grouping about together, with those shares with the intention of selling the shares, comes to an evil interest there.
How did you know that? Ever hear of Merrill, Lynch, Pierce, Pierce and Bean? Yes.
They got an office right outside a downtown sewer I work in.
Well, I'm glad you know what a corporation is Norton, because then you'll understand what a great opportunity I'm offering you when I tell you that I will sell you a percentage.
For $20, a 20% percentage of the Ralph Kramden Corporation.
How do you like that? Trixie forgot the ketchup.
Of course, I can't give you too much stock.
I can only sell you a few shares but well, I still think you'll make a profit on it.
Well? Well, isn't it appealing to you? No, it don't.
I don't like liverwurst without ketchup.
Will you stop with the liverwurst! I'm talking high finance! Look, for $20 you get 20% of all the money I make over and above my salary.
Listen to me, will you, Ralph? My mother didn't raise no stupid children, you know.
I work hard for the money I earn there down in that sewer.
It's no easy job, you know.
Some days I get it right up to here! If I'm going to invest my money in any proposition, believe you me, it's got to-it's got to make sense.
It's got to have a sound, logical, business foundation.
Only then will I "make the plunge," as we say in the trade.
Norton, I'm very happy to hear you speak like that.
You sound like an intelligent man, and that's exactly the type man that I want in my corporation to be vice president.
And if you give me the $20 and get 20% of my corporation, I am making you the vice president.
Hmm.
Me a veep? Now you're talking sense.
Wait a minute, pal.
Here.
Here's the 20 bucks.
Thank you.
And I certainly am lucky to get a man like you for vice president.
Yeah.
I say that this calls for a toast.
There you are.
Thank you.
To the corporation.
To Ralph Kramden, the president, Edward L.
Norton, vice president and chairman of the board.
Wait a minute, hold it.
Hold it, don't move.
By Jove, it isn't another yellow-bellied sapsucker! Boy, oh, boy.
Two yellow-bellied sapsuckers in the same day.
Boy, I ought to phone the Society about this.
What makes you believe anyone is going to believe you, when you tell them you saw two yellow-bellied sapsuckers in a park where they're not suppose to be within 300,000 miles of? Wait a minute, Ralph, you got a point there.
But I know how I can fix it.
"Bird seen: Two yellow- bellied sapsuckers.
"Place where seen: Albuquerque, New Mexico.
" ( laughing ) I'm certainly lucky to get a man like you to be my vice president, Norton.
Yellow-bellied sapsucker.
Oh! Ow ow.
What's the matter? Ow, I burned my fingers on that darn stove.
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart.
Boy, you're always burning something there.
If it ain't your finger, it's my food.
It's no joke, Ralph.
I'm only kidding, sweetie.
There, feel better now? No, it doesn't.
I'm telling you something, Ralph.
That stove is a booby trap.
One of these days, it's going to blow both of us up to smithereens.
If you are hinting that I should buy a new stove, you'll have to get a better idea than that.
Now, look, get to work on the old stove and cook my new supper.
You can cook your own new supper.
Don't think your attitude scares me, Alice.
I'll get my own supper.
I'm pretty good at it.
( door opening, closing ) Hey, there, Ralph.
What are you doing? Oh, uh, I'm getting my own supper.
Alice isn't feeling too good so I'm doing her a favor.
Oh.
Well, uh ( clears throat ) Ralph, I wanted to have a little talk with you about the corporation.
I've been vice president for about a week now and you ain't showing no profit.
I had a stockholders meeting with myself and, uh, I've come to the conclusion that I'm getting a little impatient.
Haven't you got any business ethics? How can you interrupt the president of the corporation while he's eating? All right, I'll wait till you're through.
Ralph, uh, could I have a banana? Go ahead.
Ain't got no bananas.
Could I have an apple? Go ahead.
Ain't got no apples, either.
Could I have an orange? Go ahead! Haven't got any oranges either.
You want a peanut butter sandwich? I don't like peanut butter.
I like apples or bananas or oranges.
Hey, what kind of peanut butter is that? Is that the crunchy kind? Yes, it's the crunchy kind, and I can prove it to you.
When this jar hits your head, you'll hear a crunch! Don't get excited, will you? Remember, you're talking to the vice president of Ralph Kramden, Incorporated.
All I'd like to do is eat in peace.
Go ahead, who's stopping you? Fine thing for a president of a corporation to be eating-- peanut butter sandwich.
You ought to be eating something that'll stick to those fat little ribs of yours.
Do you mind leaving this apartment and going back upstairs? All right, all right.
I'm going, but I-I got this to tell you.
I'm going to leave your corporation in a state of bankruptcy.
I'm withdrawing my $20.
You told me that every time you turn around I'd make money.
Well, so far you ain't been exactly no pinwheel.
I thought the whole thing over, you know.
You got a corporation, I got 20% of it.
I got 20% of nothing.
How can you get rich on 20% of nothing? Is that what you're beefin' about, 20%? All right, you got 30%.
It's 35% or nothing.
It's a deal.
It's a deal.
( laughing ) Ralph, I-I hope I didn't offend you, Ralph, but, uh, you know the way I drive a hard bargain.
I got to watch out for my interests.
I got to admit, you put it over on me that time, Norton.
( knocking on door ) Come in.
Mr.
Ralph Kramden? Yeah.
My name is Frederick Parsons.
I'm an attorney.
An attorney? My firm is handling the estate of the late Mary Monahan.
I suppose you'll remember her, she used to ride on your bus.
Mary Monahan.
That's the old lady I used to help on and off.
She used to get on the bus for years.
I didn't see her lately.
I was wondering what happened to her.
Gee, that's a shame.
Well, she didn't forget your kindness.
She remembered you in her will.
Now, the will is going to be read tomorrow, Friday morning, at 10:00 at her apartment.
Will you be there? Sure, I'll be there if you want me to.
How come a poor lady like that is making out a will? Well, she wasn't exactly poor.
She wasn't? No.
Her estate was valued at roughly $40 million.
See you Friday.
How about that? $40 million! Alice! Alice! $40 million! I'm inheriting $40 million! ( groaning ) Ed, what happened? What do you mean what happened? He fainted, can't you see? Fine thing.
Guy inherits $40 million and he faints.
( gasps ) What am I saying? belongs to me.
( groans ) Ralph, your breakfast is ready.
RALPH: I haven't I haven't got time to eat breakfast! Well why not? It's only 8:30.
The lawyer said they wouldn't read the will until 10:00.
Alice why must you hide things where I can't find them? Where's the shoe polish? In the top left-hand drawer.
It's not in the top hand dress pant drawer! It must be there.
It must be, huh? It must be.
It must be, but it's not! Don't always say "it must be," Alice.
What you mean is "maybe," not "must be.
" Maybe! This must be it maybe.
You and your snide remarks.
Ralph, will you calm down a little bit? If you don't take it easy, you know, you'll be a nervous wreck by the time that will is read.
I am not nervous, Alice.
I am not nervous.
I may be a little excited inheriting $40 million, but I am not nervous.
No.
No, you're not nervous, Ralph.
You're not nervous at all.
You just read an Esquire where the well-dressed man always polishes his socks.
I want to tell you something.
Ralph, I know you're a little bit excited, but after all, the will hasn't been read yet.
We don't know how much she's leaving you.
What do you mean we don't know? You keep talking about millions, Ralph.
It may just be hundreds.
What are you talking about hundreds? She's leaving $40 million, isn't she? It said in the papers this morning she's only got one other relative.
One living relative! A nephew.
And she doesn't like him.
The paper said she had no use for him.
Ralph, that's her own living relative.
Her own flesh and blood.
He might contest the will.
Contest it? Contest it? Har, har, hardy, har, har.
What do you mean contest it? Did he ever help her off a bus and help her on one? You may not realize this, Alice, but, in a few hours, I'm going to be a very rich man.
Ralph, all I'm saying is don't count your chickens before they're hatched.
And remember, Norton gets Don't worry, I can take care of him.
What do you mean? Ralph, you wouldn't cheat Norton out of his share? Of course not.
I'm not going to cheat him.
I'm just going to try to do what's best for everybody.
You know how people act when they get a lot of money.
They go nuts.
You know how Norton is, he's the nervous type.
He'd really go nuts if he got his hands on anything.
First thing you know, he'd quit his job in the sewer.
Next thing he'd do is buy clothes, buy automobiles, yachts.
Start taking a tour around the world.
Drinking champagne, eating caviar.
First thing you know, he wouldn't come home.
Poor Trixie pleading with him, "Please, come home, Norton.
" Him laughing at her.
That would be a nice thing, wouldn't it? After all she's done for him, pleading for him to come home and him laughing at her! Well, if you think that I'm going to do that to such a nice girl like Trixie, you're crazy! ( Alice moans ) Hi, there, Alice.
Oh, hi, Ed.
You want some coffee? No, I already had breakfast.
How about a second breakfast? I already had that, too.
It'd be kind of ridiculous to have three breakfasts, wouldn't it? Yeah.
I'll tell you what I will do though.
I'll, uh, start on my first lunch.
There you go.
Hey Alice Yeah.
Oh, Norton, I'm glad you're here.
I want to talk to you.
Hey, listen, listen, it's getting late.
We'll talk on the way down to the Monahan mansion.
We'll talk on the way.
You don't think for one minute that you're going to the reading of the will with me, do you? Well, of course I'm going, Ralph.
You'll need me.
You don't think of the small details.
The little things.
For instance Did you happen to think of that? And what is that for? The small details, Ralph.
You can't come away from that place with $40 million in your pocket.
You've got to have something to carry it in.
There you are, there's the vice president talking.
Well, are you sure that the bag will hold $40 million? A bag like that.
Yeah, this'll do the trick.
Is that so? Why don't you make sure? Why don't you run upstairs and cut some paper money into the shape of dollar bills and see if they'll all fit in there.
The small details.
Ed.
What? Is Trixie upstairs? Yeah, she's upstairs.
She's waiting till I get back.
We are going to make a trip that I have always wanted to make.
A trip? Yeah, now that we're getting into the millions, I'm going to do something that I always wanted to do-- going on a second honeymoon to Niagara Falls, only this time, we ain't hitchhiking.
I'll just run up and see Trix.
All right.
Come on, Ralph.
Will you snap it up? I'm anxious to collect that 35% of the $40 million.
What do you mean collect it? What do you mean collect it? You can't take that money out of the corporation.
It's got to stay in there.
That's what a corporation is for-- to put money in and let it grow.
Ralph, this has grown enough.
belongs to the stockholders.
This is only the start.
Look, as president of this corporation, already, from just $20 you gave me, I'm already making you millions! Look, you got to leave it there.
You got to leave it in the corporation.
Then I invest it, then I reinvest it, and then re-re-reinvest it.
Before I finish with you, pal, I'll have you out of that sewer.
$40 million, to the stockholders.
Will you stop saying $40 million? It's not $40 million, you know.
When you inherit $40 million, do you know how much you have left? Let me give you an example.
the stockholders.
Will you stop saying that? Now, look, this piece of paper represents $40 million.
All right, I inherit $40 million.
Right away comes federal income tax.
Then comes the state tax.
Then comes the city tax.
Then a few miscellaneous taxes.
Then you have to pay for the lawyers, and that is what is left of $40 million.
to the stockholders.
Come on.
Come on.
Come, Fortune.
Eat your breakfast.
Come now, Fortune.
You've got to eat, you know? Is everything ready in here? Mr.
Carson is going to read the will.
Everything is ready as it will ever be.
But I'm worried about Fortune, Bascomb.
Oh He isn't eating.
Oh, poor little dear.
He misses Mrs.
Monahan.
Yes.
Come, Fortune, eat your breakfast.
( doorbell ringing ) Ah, there's the doorbell.
It must be that Mr.
Kramden that they were expecting.
Mr.
Carson and the others have been waiting, I'll tell them you're here.
Thank you very much.
How do you do? Hey.
Hey, hey, look.
Today I seen a parrot.
Oh, will you stop that? Now, look, Norton, I'm telling you now and I'm telling you for the last time-- don't embarrass me here.
Can't I even look around? All right, but don't touch anything.
Eeh.
What a grouch.
Boy, how about this place? This is real class, huh? Oh Bet you they spent at least a hundred dollars on the furniture in this room alone.
Sure.
Hey, hey, Ralph.
Look.
What? I bet this guy had a rotten barber.
( laughing ) ( mutters ) Oh, there you are.
Oh, how do you do, Mr.
Carson? I'm sorry I'm late but I was taking care of my corporation.
We were about to start without you, but there are some things that just can't wait.
( laughs ): Like we say in the sewer, "Time and tide wait for no man.
" ( clears throat ) Uh, this is my business associate, Mr.
Norton.
Mr.
Carson.
Well this is Mr.
Bradley, Mrs.
Monahan's nephew.
Oh ( chuckles ) So, you're the bus driver.
Yeah.
I'm very glad to meet you.
No hard feelings, of course.
You know how fickle fate can be.
Better luck next time.
( both laughing ) Well, if we'll all be seated now, we'll get on with it.
Why certainly.
This shouldn't take very long.
This will is quite short and there's no question as to its legality, so I'll skip the technicalities and get right down to the bequests.
( clears throat ) "To Herbert Bascomb "my butler, "for his many years of faithful service, I leave the sum of $50,000.
" ( gasps ) Sorry, a little habit I picked up watching the quiz shows.
"To my maid, Mary O'Donnell I leave the sum of $25,000.
" ( gasps ) ( crying loudly ) Some people are never satisfied.
"To my nephew, Robert Hilliard Bradley, "who by his gambling and philandering "has shown himself to be "utterly incapable of handling money, "I leave the sum of one dollar "which will undoubtedly be promptly deposited with his bookmaker.
" I, uh, hope you pick a winner with it.
( laughing ) Please, please, may I continue? Certainly.
"To Ralph Kramden, my favorite bus driver ( chuckles ) I leave my fortune.
" I'm rich! I'm rich! I'm rich, I'm rich! Please, Mr.
Kramden, Mr.
Kramden.
Please, control yourselves.
I'm rich.
I'm sorry, I it came so sudden, I wasn't expecting it.
"Ralph Kramden has shown himself to be "kind, sober, courteous and conscientious.
"And to such a man, "and only such a man would I entrust my fortune.
" I'm rich! I'm rich! We're rich! Please, please! I'm not finished, I'm not finished.
Now let's see, where was I? Oh, yes.
"To such a man and only such a man "would I entrust my fortune.
"I, therefore, direct "that immediately upon the reading of this will, Ralph Kramden take possession of my fortune.
" Get the bag.
Bascomb.
Mr.
Kramden, this is Fortune, and according to the will, you take immediate possession.
( stammering ) ( stammering ) ( humming, stammering ) ( groaning ) Uh, excuse me, Mr.
Carson.
Yes? Am I to understand that this is the fortune? Yes.
( gasping ) ( stammering )