The Magicians (2016) Episode Scripts

We Have Brought You Little Cakes

1 Hello, glorious audience.
It is I, Ember, god of Fillory.
Feel free to bow and grovel.
I'll wait.
Oh, but I've got so much to tell you.
I, with minor help from my brother Umber R.
I.
P.
created a world intricate as filigree, and that is what I called it, except I was a bit drunk, so Fillory.
Chock stuffed with magic, chatty animals, sexy creatures.
Really, what a planet.
I calibrated everything for maximum entertainment.
I decreed it be ruled by children of Earth, a glum little planet known for its plucky magicians.
These brave souls would come, and when they got boring, off they went.
Case in point, Martin Chatwin.
Brave, clever boy, born hero, yet honestly, very uncomfortable to watch once he'd been molested.
So, I made the difficult decision to kick him out and replace him with someone more punchy and fun, but Martin was more tenacious than I gave him credit for.
He drank from the Wellspring to get strong, screwing Fillory in the process, and set booby traps for my brother and me, and before you know it, Umber's dead and I'm hiding in stupid Loria.
I'm so fu ing bored, children of Earth.
Cut to Martin's mutated into a terrible beast in a dapper suit.
Enter Quentin Coldwater and his friends the Addict, the Victim, the Bitch, the Scowl, and the Martyr.
I bestowed my blessing, and they set out to kill The Beast.
Of course, they failed.
Twist! They had to start from scratch with The Beast.
Thrilling.
The danger of sublimated trauma is a major theme in our story, evidenced by Julia and Martin teaming up to kill the Earth god who violated her.
All very ambiguous and poignant I know! Julia's partnership also threw a massive wrench into Quentin's works.
Gut-wrenching! I was forced to intervene.
Cameo! I have the befouled the Wellspring.
Wasn't it tragic when Alice died? Wasn't it scary when she became a niffin? The personal nature of her story subverted Quentin's hero's journey nicely.
Character is destiny and, ultimately, Quentin is a Magician of intellect who nevertheless, and to his detriment, acts from his heart.
But I did other things too! Like lead Quentin to that Candy Witch.
Don't worry, that'll pay off.
I hid the Wellspring ball in plain sight, made the Rainbow Bridge bloom, stole from the River Watcher so he'd be good and angry when Penny stiffed him.
Oh, I know, good one.
It was I who caused the High King's bride to ovulate on the right day, leading to Preg-nant! Ultimately leading to [falsetto] The fairies can bring back the Wellspring? - They can.
- [falsetto] And in return? A royal child of Whitespire.
Take her to the dungeon.
He will transport you to the fairy realm.
I repeatedly broke the filtration system so the Wellspring would be unpredictable and fun.
All those pesky "brownouts"? Moi! To be sure, the Order is on to me.
They're in a panic about the Great Blank Spot, surmising a fatal hit to the Wellspring.
True, I am nearly finished with Fillory.
Every chapter must end, and on the eve of my benevolent destruction I'm getting it all out of my system.
Like causing sudden climate change that kills entire tedious species of wildlife, turning people into delicious rats.
All the babies this week woke up with no mouths.
- Oh, horrifying! - [screams] I bet you're wondering what happens next, and that is how I know I've done my job well.
Sit back, have a nice pipe of marijuana, and enjoy my grand opus.
I call it Fillory's Last Gasp.
[wind howling] I just miss the fire, okay? Drink this.
What is it? Renders you unable to harm your own body.
[whispers] This is all pointless, Q.
You can't medicate me away.
Just fu drink it.
All of it.
[burps] Ugh.
Why did you bring me back? Why do you keep asking me that? I [scoffs] I watched you almost die trying to bring your brother back.
You loved him.
I love you.
[scoffs] I'd like to be alone now.
[somber music] [coughing] I take that to mean I'm improving.
Well, your skin's healing.
Obviously, your lungs are, to use a technical term, fu ed, but more importantly Just say it.
You have lesions on your spine, and they're growing aggressively.
Cancer.
Call it cancer plus.
Whatever you were exposed to has spell residue all over it.
So a magician did this? Well, if so, it may be a code we can crack.
How long? Well, it's hard to say, but I have my entire department working on it I mean how long till I die if you don't crack it? Two or three weeks.
But I promise you, we are doing everything we can to - Yeah.
[grunts] - Okay I'm not waiting to die in a hospital bed.
- Okay, I don't think - I'm not! [groans] - Can we talk please? - Yes.
[scoffs] [grunts] Hey, there, hot stuff.
No offense you might look as bad as I do.
I doubt that.
You're dying.
All I am is a little strung out.
Kady What? It's not about me.
What happened? Tell me.
Reynard's gone.
I should be happy, but it wasn't how I wanted it.
It's not enough.
God, I feel like bashing my head into a wall.
[sniffs, groans] Why can't anything just be fixed? Life, I guess.
[soft music] [sniffs] I don't want you to die.
Of course not.
I'm the best lay of your life.
[laughs] Shut up.
What are we gonna do? Wrap our minds around it.
Kady, let's not waste time being mad, okay? I'm just gonna find Quentin and Eliot, just gonna make a couple pit stops first.
[distant horns honk] [sirens wail] [sniffs] [door opens and closes] That's, um a nice sconce.
- Did you, um - Spit it out.
You want something.
Yeah.
First [exhales] Are you okay? I'm whole again.
W Which is a a good thing.
If by good you mean crying jags and mountains of guilt and panic attacks, then, yeah, I'm doing fu great.
And since I better be getting back to one of them soon, whether I like it or not, how can I help you? Q says you have an amulet that would make me invisible to a god.
[groans] [overlapping sounds] [sighs] [sobs] Um, I don't pretend to understand what you've been through, but I can tell you the way you're relating to that couch is not unknown to me.
Then you know I want to be alone.
And, um, also that you probably shouldn't be right now.
Why do you care? I just do.
Come with me and help me try to convince Ember to let us keep Fillory.
- Why? - Because I have never met anyone less willing to take no for an answer.
But I betrayed you, remember? [inhales deeply] That was a long time ago.
[clears throat] I need help, and you do too.
Let's kill a few birds.
What do you say? Wanna put some pants on and help me save all of magic? [ethereal music] I'll go talk to Eliot and Quentin.
- Uh, Kady - Just tell Penny that I went to find a quiet place and do some dope.
I'm ready to leave when he is.
Look here's the deal.
I just read your book in the library, both volumes.
My book? Why? Because it ends the way they all do in a couple days, with 20 blank pages.
Something's about to happen, something magical and really fu bad, and I think it's It's Ember.
He's been doing all sorts of fu up shit in Fillory, bucket list shit.
What's in my book? You do your recon, find out Prince Ess of Loria has taken Whitespire.
Shit.
Then kidnap Idri, who I guess is a rat, turn him back, then camp here trying to find the perfect spell to force Ember to keep his mitts off of Fillory.
But if my book ends, then Then exactly.
We know that doesn't work, so you need to do anything else anything.
Pick a plan and commit.
If it's written, isn't it written? Yes, but I think you can change it.
Okay, so we can save Fillory if we subscribe to a "free will" view of the universe, which is fair.
So what am I supposed to do? Go.
Get Idri.
Hurry.
I just got one thing I gotta button up.
[door opens] Hey.
I calculated a portal to Tahiti.
Hold up.
No.
You warned them.
You've done enough.
You get to be done.
I'm sorry.
Believe me, I'd rather No, none of it matters, Penny.
[whoosh] Oh, come on! Penny, you're needed at once.
- I'm busy.
- Bit of an emergency.
We need our full staff.
Are you crazy? He's dying.
Yes, because he went into a restricted area, which lethally poisoned him and puts him on strict probation, but most assuredly does not mean he's excused from work.
We'll take every step to keep him comfortable.
What the hell is wrong with you? Kady, knowledge itself is at stake.
That is more important than any single one of us.
I'll give you a moment to say good-bye.
No.
No, not good-bye.
- Kady, listen, I - No, I'm telling you, [whoosh] this isn't fair.
God damn it! Fu! Just crack the damn lock.
Hurry, before some fairy asshole sees us.
I'm going as fast as I can.
Fen? Are you okay? Sweetie, do you know where you are? A plane laid atop our own, so the Fairy Castle and Whitespire actually occupy the same space and time, but two dimensions.
Or possibly the same dimension, but incredibly sped up like that one episode of "Star Trek" where Just get the damn chain, Josh.
No.
Not without my baby.
They took her away.
You have to come with us, okay? Get the goddamn shackles, Hoberman.
[chains clink] Grab her with me.
Come on.
Hey.
Come on.
[door opens] There you are.
The Queen will see you now.
[ominous music] [crickets chirping] [frogs croaking] [croaking] You've been making yourself quite at home, sneaking around my castle.
It's actually more like my castle that you guys have made some weird AM radio version of.
What is it that you seek, rude little Earth girl? The woman and child you stole.
You made a deal.
That deal was inhumane bullshit made under total duress.
Look just tell me what you want, okay, lady? The child is mine.
Now on to the business at hand.
No, the baby is the business.
Ember is dangerously bored of Fillory.
You underestimated how devastating it can be to displease a god.
We've been trying to get ahold of Ember for months.
He ignores us.
Because you ask for things.
Offer something to him instead.
How do you know all this? As it is in our shared interest for your High King to succeed, I'm inclined to let you go help him.
Great.
Josh, Fen, the baby and I will go right now.
You know it doesn't work that way.
Now, are you familiar with this? - No.
- But goddamn.
[sniffs] Smells good.
[laughs] Even better to a god.
It will draw Ember.
Take it.
Bake it into I know this one.
Little cakes.
He loves little cakes.
Okay.
Point the way back.
Certainly.
As soon as I've exacted the toll.
Travel from this world costs, dear.
I don't make the rules.
Oh, that's right.
Yes, I do.
We'll be seeing each other soon I suspect.
[dark music] So, how's Alice? - Eliot, I - We need your help, Q.
You gave her the no-secret-cutting shit - from the keg, right? - Yes.
Physically, she's perfectly safe, but mentally whew! What am I supposed to do? [quiet music] You know what you learn when you're a High King? Screwing up is inevitable, and there are some fu ups you can never un-fu It's infuriating and it is heartbreaking, but Think I destroyed her, Eliot.
She made plenty of her own choices along the way.
I'm not saying it doesn't suck.
I'm saying Fillory needs you.
You chose to be a king.
This is what that means.
We have a plan, but We need someone who speaks fluent fanboy.
[knocking at the door] What on earth are you doing here, sad little nerd king? You're sitting in my chair, asshole.
Where the hell are the guards? Fast asleep, sorry.
Watch where you point that thing.
Dad.
You're okay.
I-I had to do this.
You were a rat.
Could I have my throne back now? I'll fight if you want.
I've become pretty boss with a broadsword.
You have so don't.
Fine.
Always did like to storm out.
[door slams] I should go too.
I should be there for my people, whatever happens.
You mean in case I fail? You won't.
Hmm.
You know, since Ember banished me, I wonder if that nullified my whole Fillorian contract.
We could check.
[soft music] Uh, okay, so the thing is, this blank spot, it's coming up fast, and it lines up with everything that you were saying about Ember.
Is this tree too asymmetrical? It's nice.
I [sighs] So there's no way that you would want to help us, like, at all? One cannot just show up after one's faked one's own death.
I'm sorry.
The end of Fillory makes me sad as well.
So Fillory really is done? I like you.
You care about things.
Yeah, it's not really a trait that's helped me much.
But it could be if it were applied to not trying to fix the unfixable, but rather something fresh and more perfect, like, say Care to take a visit? Make some notes? - Um, I uh - I'm sorry, but you're acting like I'm asking you, whereas I am a god and you are a hairless monkey, so nod and say thank you.
All right.
Let's go to the pocket world formerly known as Cuba.
[whoosh] [rhythmic thrumming] Whoa! [breathing hard] Coming back from the fairy world is a little rockier than getting there.
You don't fu say.
Are you okay? [dark music] Jesus.
Fen wouldn't come because they have your daughter.
I'm sorry.
I'll keep trying.
I promise, El.
First we need to deal with that cock, Ember.
We come bearing bait.
[chuckles] I look like Jack Sparrow if he were played by a man.
I was actually thinking more like a Fembot Nick Fury.
- Look - No, I need to I know, okay? I was angry and scared of what you were capable of, but you were doing your best in an impossible position that would've crushed anyone, myself included.
Wait, is your good eye crying right now? No.
Yes.
And it's not my good eye, it's my only fu eye.
- Eh [chuckles] - It's not funny, you dick, I'm a Cyclops! A mythological monster at last.
Box checked.
We're trying too hard.
Pardon? To just blow past it and banter.
It's not the same.
Let's not pretend it is, okay? That makes it hurt worse.
I guess we'll just have to live with the strain till the future reveals itself.
Meantime, that future is going to be a big, blank, post-apocalyptic nada unless we do what we do best.
Act out with a total lack of empathy and impulse control? Party like the world depends on it, 'cause Bambi One Eye it do.
[classical music playing] [laughter, chatter] [soft moaning] Oh, my God.
I threw better orgies when I was ten.
I give you little cakes.
[applause] I know they're irresistible, it's the candied fairy hemp, but resist.
This is for our guest of honor.
[people murmuring] Be brutal.
It's really really linear.
[chair scraping] How's the linguini? There's nothing wrong with it.
Excellent.
- That's excellent.
- [clears throat] It's maybe a little, uh Chewy? - Bland.
- Bland good, or? Bland is never really good or bad.
It appeals to all tastes.
Sure, but usually people, uh creatures who can think, gods even sometimes like the unknown, the unexpected, even the offensive.
Little bit of, uh Chaos.
Happy now? You know who would love this, who would create an entire world out of this greasy stain? My brother.
Yes, Ember would make a mess.
Do not speak to me of Ember! I like you, boy, but I have a temper.
Wait, what about a human sacrifice? No, unless the cakes are bad.
[sighs] Well, they smell great, but I don't think they're working, so - [whooshing] - Little cakes.
Mmm.
Ohh.
Mmm.
Oh, oh.
Oh, yes.
Welcome, Ember, god of gods.
Wait, didn't I banish you? - You did, Lord of All, but - I didn't expect this.
- I can explain.
- I love it! - Ha.
- A genuine twist, a true surprise.
[giggles] When was the last time that happened around here? Exactly, and we're really sorry about that.
We've fallen down on the job, but boredom is death.
- I totally agree.
- Ugh, isn't it though? - It is.
- Mm.
But we can make Fillory more exciting and and watchable than ever.
That's our pitch.
It's a new chapter and the title is "Shit Tons of Drama and Surprise.
" Intriguing.
How? Don't destroy Fillory.
Shake things up, yes.
- Like the rats.
- [laughs] Yeah, rats, hilarious.
It was good, wasn't it? - Yes.
Yes.
- We're all still laughing.
- Right? - Mm-hmm.
- Right, laughing? - Laughing! [forced laughter] There's so much more to do here, so many twists and surprises this world can offer.
- Mm.
- Think back to the moment you created the first blades of grass.
- Sentient trees.
- Talking animals.
- The Wellspring.
- Think back to what you built with your brother Umber.
My brother, rest his soul, was nothing but a simpering, sniping, anal retentive critic, as well as a Greedy, promiscuous, selfish, credit-hogging, mouse-eating slob! Any talk of this is mere whimsy, and it's whimsy itself that I am tired of and finished with.
We get it, we do.
I mean, try ruling a world of whimsy.
- Am I right? - Mm.
Not so whimsical, actually.
Well, then, let's get it over with.
Why wait? Let's start right now.
- [deep rumbling] - No, no, no, no, no, no! Not what we meant [people screaming] Rewind! Rewind! Rewind! Rewind! Rewind! Stop! Are you insane? No! I mean, we meant make it better, make it better.
Less whimsical, more meaner maybe, more you.
Maybe, if I didn't have to do it alone.
Say what you will about my dear, departed brother, but he was a demon for overwork.
Hmm.
He had a strange love for this Poor, accursed place.
Too late to be helped now.
I couldn't bear to go back.
I-I won't.
[laughs] I won't.
Um, actually, we're already there.
Where? Apocalypse! Apocalypse! Apocalypse! [laughs] Isn't it wonderful? [suspenseful music] What are you doing? You're making a mess! [grunting] I'm back.
[chuckles] You're alive.
[laughs] How is this possible, brother? You died battling Martin to save me.
[chuckles] Why are you afraid? I I am so pleased.
[ominous music] Martin told me you died when he banished me.
Hey, guys, how about a hug? This is a family reunion.
This was a family betrayal.
Wasn't it? - Wasn't it? - No! No! I can't be here! Oh! All this time, I thought, "Martin, so powerful.
" But no.
He was merely a brilliant dealmaker.
My banishment for your life.
Your puny, petty, putrid nothing of a soul spark! - [growls] - [grunts] Brother, please? [groans] Please! You always were the weak one.
- [choking] - [laughs] [suspenseful music] [choking] [sword being unsheathed] [choking] [grunts] [reciting quietly] Come and get me, you fu baby.
You want to know why you're so bored? Because you're too stupid to get it.
You're too spoiled and entitled to understand How dare you? I am a god.
Are you? Really? I'm not impressed.
I've met scary gods, and you? You're nothing but a petty tyrant.
[choking] [grunts] [panting] Quentin [groans] You always surprise.
[groans] [whimpers] [body thuds] [gasps] Holy fu Q? I think you just saved the whole world.
[dramatic music] We are officially a land of godless heathens, making today the first day of our societal adulthood.
I, for one, am slightly terrified and equally excited.
And trying not to break into "Hamilton.
" And so, I turn over the next phase of our maturation to our High Queen Margo.
We need a constitution.
Pardon? These are some pretty good ones here, so let's rip off the best parts.
[wind howling] Hungry? I know Mayakovsky said soft, bland food for a while, but I can see that's not really working.
So I stopped by the farm where Fogg gets his weekly rasher of bacon.
No thanks.
You sure? Because [groans] I tried it and, uh, it's amazing.
I know what you're trying to do.
I'm just trying to do breakfast food, that's all.
Oh, fu you.
Mmm.
Please.
Fu Gluttony.
It's an excellent part of being human.
I don't remember many others.
Really? Ugh.
Hmm, my hands are all greasy.
Ugh.
With every good thing, no matter how small it is, it's always married to something so completely disgusting.
You can't escape it.
You're right.
It's gross.
We are animals.
[peaceful music] Why does that feel so good? I don't know.
It just does.
It always did.
[ragged breaths] [chuckles] Hmm.
[ship horn blows] Look I need your help.
I'm not gonna beg.
I'm not gonna use guilt, I have no leverage.
But Penny's in the Library.
He can be your mole.
But to do that, he'd have to be alive.
He'd never know.
Whatever you need, ask me about it.
He tells me, I tell you.
Who saved her man's life, so maybe not.
Big picture, right? Deal? Deal.
I probably shouldn't say this out loud, but this was kind of an okay day.
Are you bragging? No.
Kind of.
Not about this entirely.
I also kind of killed a god.
[laughs, snorts] Huh.
Hilarious.
No, seriously.
Ember.
I mean, he was erasing the whole thing.
Wait, wait, you can't be serious.
Yeah.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, I didn't want to.
He had just killed his brother.
He was going after Julia.
He was genocidally insane.
You don't get it.
Jesus.
When I was a-a niffin, I saw things.
I saw everything from the beginning of time.
- Calm down - No, I understand the way the universe works, Q, the Wellspring, the hierarchies, the plumbing.
I was inside it.
Gods like Ember have parents, you idiot! I-I'm not following.
The old gods, the creators of the universe, of all magic itself.
To Ember, we're like we're like toys, but to them we're we're cells.
When we're harmless they ignore us, but when we become malignant, they amputate.
Now, if you're gonna use stones like this, it's imperative that [edgy music] Excuse me.
Excuse me, this is Okay, wait.
Like, so there's an actual plumber? Like the Mario Brother of the gods? - Yes.
- And he can just I guarantee you, he's doing it.
[power winding down] [gasps] [alarm whooping] Attention, please keep calm and follow all code green procedures.
Please remember not to interact and simply gather [tense music] Attention, please keep calm and follow [clang] Professor? Mayakovsky! Holy shit.
All right, everyone, open your books to chapter 16.
[somber music] Who can translate the Borkulo Rendering from its original Hungarian? No point in raising hands.
Remember? I can.
Dean Fogg? Sorry to interrupt.
Yes, Josh, go ahead.
Well, I was online last night The answer is no.
There is no actual evidence of a magical surge in Sedona, Arizona.
Yeah, but what about in Or Kenya, or Machu Picchu, or China or anywhere.
Magic is gone.
The best we can do is accept that, and continue our theoretical studies, to stay ready for its return.
So you think that's possible? Anything is possible, Alice.
[quietly] Was, anyway.
Look at you, playing the part of the bright, young girl.
Joseph? Ah, yes.
I can see my Alice in there still.
Good.
Are you all right? I am as I appear dying.
So it is true.
Magic's gone everywhere.
The creatures, cryptids, sylphs, dragons, unicorns, even the pointless vampires are all as they were.
But those of us who drew on the power of the Wellspring, well, as you can see - I want to help.
- I'm here, Alice, because it is you who needs help.
- What? - As a niffin, you made enemies.
I'm here to warn you that one of them seeks you.
Who? The Lamprey.
You do recall what you did to his family? Yes.
Most amusing at the time, but to The Lamprey, cause for vengeance.
It knows you're weak.
It knows you're here.
[ominous music] What do I [gasps] Oh Democracy has to take a backseat.
Without magic, the people are terrified, and that is just one step from an angry mob.
And that's how royal heads end up in baskets.
I get it.
I get it.
This is an undereducated, pre-industrial populous, Eliot.
They need to be ruled.
They need to be inspired.
They need to think they're being inspired as they're being ruled.
I'm talking curfew, martial law, conscription, and severe and public punishment.
Okay.
Can we maybe make our way to King and Queen Caligula, please? Maybe a How do you not recognize me? I'm the King's wife! - Tell them! - Oh, my God.
- Are you okay? - Yes.
- How did you get here? - [breathing hard] Simple.
[sniffs] I just gave them my toes.
Gave who your toes? The fairies.
I wanted to stay to be close to our daughter, but I had to warn you.
They're coming.
They're here.
[goblet clatters on floor] [rock music intro] [rock music] Boo.
Hey.
Hey.
Jules, I - [groans] - Hi.
[laughs] How did you get in here? Well, your your fence is a little shoddy.
Right.
Welcome to the new normal.
You know, 'cause I killed all magic fu everywhere.
- [scoffs] - Uh [scoffs] Sorry.
That was definitely a two-hander.
I'll be burning in hell right next to you, but hey, at least we have each other.
Hmm.
So how are you? Fine.
- Listen - How's law school? I quit.
Okay.
Why? Because I need to show you something, and you need to promise me that you're not going to tell anyone, 'cause you're the only person that I trust.
I promise.
Jules, it's not gonna work.
Just give me a second.
- [sighs] - We all get flashes that we can do it again, but it's [sizzling] - Oh, my God.
- [breathless laugh] How? I have no idea.
[rock music]