The Middle s03e02 Episode Script
Forced Family Fun (2)
Ah, the first day of school-- The moment every parent dreams of-- freedom.
But this year turned out a little different.
Oh, do you have to go back to school? I already miss you guys.
We miss you, too.
I love you so much.
Ohh.
I love you, mom.
- Dad.
- Son.
I wish I could go to the same school as you guys.
Us, too, Brick.
Us, too.
Mike, call me as soon as you get to work.
I will call you from the car.
Yeah, we'll call you, too, mom.
I'll call everyone from the pay phone in the school library.
Wait.
Family hug.
I know what you're thinking.
This can't possibly be my family, but it is.
So how did we get this way? Ugh.
Where do I start? You know how in summer, everyone takes those magical family bonding trips? Hi! We're back from Disney world.
Well, we took in their mail.
Here you go.
Really appreciate your hospitality, Mrs.
Heck.
Here's a little something for you from us.
Souvenir magnet.
Thank you.
Love it.
Hi! We're back from the dells.
Here's your mail.
Thanks a bunch, Frankie.
Oh.
And we got something for you, too.
Aw, and it's shaped like a little, tiny cheese.
'Cause they have cheese in Wisconsin.
That's cute.
- Greetings from the Bahamas-- - Here.
Oh, hang on.
It had a couple babies, but don't worry.
It ate 'em.
Wow.
We suck, Mike.
I ain't gonna argue.
We got any more mayo? Seriously, look at all the great places everybody went this summer.
What did we do? Squat.
Yeah, but with everybody else gone, we had the run of the neighborhood.
Left the garbage cans out for weeks, washed the car in my pajamas.
You can't buy that kind of experience.
You should've seen 'em, Mike-- Just so happy and close and sun-kissed.
What about us? We barely even saw our kids.
I know.
Kind of a perfect summer, wasn't it? No, but shouldn't we wanna see 'em? I mean, isn't it our obligation to make memories for them, you know, while there's still time? I mean, think about it.
Sue's starting high school.
Axl's gonna be a junior.
A few more years, the kids will be gone.
Don't jinx it.
No, I'm serious, Mike.
Before long, we're gonna be living in an empty house.
Keep talking like that, I just might put this sandwich down and pick you up.
Okay, fine.
Joke all you want, but name three times that you've seen the kids since may.
And not just in the house.
I'll even count around town.
The more Mike thought about it, the more he realized I was right.
Thanks to his lifeguard job, the only evidence of Axl even existing in our house anymore was a pile of wet towels and dirty clothes.
Red bull.
A hint of BO.
I think he was here Wednesday.
Nope, he was way too busy enjoying his newfound superpower.
You! In the yellow 2-piece.
Over here.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Your shoulders are getting red.
You're gonna have to stay in the shade next to me.
Right here.
Come.
Purple top, green bottom, bring it over.
I saw you had a popsicle before you went in.
You know the rule about eating and swimming.
I'm gonna need your number so I can call you later to make sure that you're okay.
There you go.
And, uh, also send your friend over.
She looks like she was about to run.
Meanwhile, Brick was enjoying a few joys of summer of his own.
Shh! And Sue spent her summer with carly, camped out at the mall.
Oh, my God.
That cute boy at hot dog America is totally looking over here.
Really? Wait.
Don't look.
Okay, now look.
Wait, don't! Okay, now.
Aah! He saw us looking.
Which do you like better, yellow mustard or brown mustard? - Which do you like better? - I asked you first.
I know what one I like.
Okay, on three.
One, two - Brown.
- Yellow! Okay, Mike.
You might not have missed the kids, but I have, and I don't want the only magnet we have to show for ourselves to be from Orson gutter and septic.
Well, in case you didn't notice, those magnets are holding up our unpaid bills.
Well, we'll just have to be creative, then.
Come on.
Think.
Just something quick and cheap that we can look back on when we're old and alone and say, "hey, remember that thing we did with those kids we used to have?" Well, you want quick and cheap, I got quick and cheap for ya.
Oh, no.
- Don't say it.
- I'm gonna say it.
- No, don't say it.
- I'm saying it.
Camping.
There.
I said it.
- Really? - Yep.
Camping.
You really gonna go there? You-- think carefully.
I said it, didn't I? Mike, the last time I went camping with you was literally the worst night of my life.
The worst.
- Worst.
- Come on.
Our honeymoon was 19 years ago.
Yeah, and you know exactly how horrible it was.
Wasn't that bad.
It practically killed our marriage out of the gate.
And I swore after that night, I would never go back in the woods with you again.
Hey, you want a vacation or not? You know what? I think this was your plan all along.
Yeah, this was my master plan-- Stay poor for 19 years so we can go camping again.
So after five hours driving around town hunting down all our kids, we finally had 'em all in one place to break the good news.
Now we know your friends all had fun this summer going on these great family vacations, and you were thinking, "gee, we didn't do anything.
" And me and dad wanted to spend some time with you before school starts, so Guess what? We're gonna take a little family vacation of our own.
No! What?! It's my last weekend as a lifeguard.
After this, all the chicks cover up and get fat for the winter.
The librarian was gonna let me re-shelve etruscan literature.
They don't let civilians do that.
But I start high school on Monday.
High school! And I'm not remotely ready.
I haven't even finished decorating my binder.
Please, please, don't make me go! You can't do this! You can't just spring a vacation on us.
Jeez, you don't even know what we're doing.
What are we doing? We're going camping.
No! Yeah.
It was your dad's idea.
Dad! - Why are you punishing us? - What did we do?! Hey, I was perfectly happy not seeing you kids all summer.
- This is your mom's thing.
- Mom! Can't we at least do something inside that has a tv and isn't gross? Look, any motel we can afford is gonna have more bugs than the woods.
Just get on board with camping.
Guys, camping was not my first choice either by a long shot.
But here's an idea.
Maybe we just don't use that word.
Let's not think of it as camping.
Let's think of it as outdoor family fun.
But we don't wanna go.
Fine.
Forced family fun.
You're dragging us into the woods against our will.
That's kidnapping.
Mm, if we were gonna kidnap some kids, you'd be far down the list.
It's just for two days.
Hey, wanna go for three? So with lowered expectations and a vague sense of dread, we packed up the station wagon and hit the road.
And this time, I'm proud to say I finally remembered to bring the blue snack bag All the way to the car.
You forgot the blue bag?! You think I'm happy about this? I had wine coolers and a frozen snickers in there.
Hey, you see that poplar grove over there? That is one of the oldest in the state of Indiana.
It says here the tulip poplar, or liriodendron tulipfera, grows to 70 feet and has beautiful flowers.
I know.
I just saw a bunch of 'em right over there.
Axl, I need to know.
In high school, what do people do in study hall and how do you work the combination lock and where do people eat lunch and can I still eat goldfish or is that considered a kid snack and should I try to find a snack that is more mature? Shh! I'm sleeping.
I need to know this stuff, Axl.
I'm starting high school, and I don't want to look like a dork! Wait.
What's this? It's a message from that ship.
Darn it.
It already sailed.
Mom! Did you hear that? Did you hear what he just said? I could say I did, but honestly, I wasn't listening.
Mike, I'm smelling something really rank.
Do you smell that? Fine, Axl.
Who needs you anyway? I'm sure everything I need to know is in my freshman handbook.
Oh, no! I forgot my freshman handbook! Dad, we have to turn around right now! We have to go back! There's an idea I can get behind.
Why don't you get behind the idea of not being a smartass? Are you talking to me? That's for the whole backseat.
According to my book, we should be passing by a log cabin that Abraham Lincoln spent the night at during his run for presidency.
Then let's keep our eyes peeled.
That's okay.
They have a picture.
Axl, we need to talk about the cafeteria.
In high school, do we call it the "caf"? Because when Hannah Montana went to high school, - they called it the "caf.
" - Sue, keep talking, but just remember, if I threw you out of the car right now, I'd be tried as a juvenile.
Is there one lunch period that's cooler than the other? Whatever one you're not in.
Which one are you in? Aah! Why are you asking me that?! Why is she asking me that?! Because we're going to the same school, and I might need to go up to your table at lunch and ask you something! - Okay! - Aah! That's it! If you are insisting on going to school with me, we are setting some ground rules right now! No looking at me, no talking to me, no acknowledging me in any way.
If an emergency happens, like mom or dad dies or something, you can relay the message to Sean, and he will let me know, and I will see you at the funeral.
- Have I made myself clear? - But what if I-- Or if I-- But what if there's an emergency - and someone puts a bomb in my backpack and I might need - Hey! Okay, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! How about we all sing a fun family traveling song? 99 bottles of beer on the wall 99 bottles of beer take one down, pass it around, 98-- Really? You're all just so busy? Ugh.
Now I'm starting to smell something, too.
Yeah.
I'm getting it now.
- Axl's not wearing shoes.
- Oh! - What? - Gross, Axl! - Axl, put your shoes on.
- Can't.
I forgot 'em.
- What?! - Are you kidding? You forgot shoes? How does a person forget shoes? How does a person forget a snack bag? I guess the shoes I'm not wearing are now on the other foot.
Well, we can't stop to get you any, genius.
We're in the middle of nowhere.
Relax! I don't need 'em.
I've been barefoot all summer.
My feet are practically shoes now anyway.
Check out these leathery dogs.
Ohh! Ohh! - Axl! Come on.
- Ohh! Oh, my God! You can't handle this, what are you taking us camping for? It'll be like going on vacation on the bottom of my foot.
Hey, I don't wanna hear any more complaints about camping.
- Camping is gonna be great.
- Pfft.
Okay, you can't judge camping from our honeymoon, Frankie.
This is a whole new thing.
You went camping on your honeymoon? Dad, did you really take mom camping? Oh! Is that why she never talks about it? It was a perfectly valid honeymoon choice, and, by the way, she was on board with it in the beginning.
Oh.
So are you gonna tell me where you're taking me on our honeymoon? Oh, now that's a surprise, Mrs.
Heck.
"Mrs.
Heck.
" I'm Mrs.
Heck.
I'm a wife.
Whoa.
I'm a wife.
And someday I'm gonna be a mom, and you're gonna be a dad, and our kids will be in the backseat.
That'll be fun, don't you think-- Us driving around with our two kids? We are gonna have awesome kids! Oh, so where are you gonna take me? You want me to blow the surprise? I really do.
Well, Mrs.
Heck, I am taking you camping.
Oh, wow! - Camping.
- You're disappointed.
No! No.
Are you kidding? Look, in 10 or 20 years from now, when we got tons of money, we're gonna be able to go on vacation anywhere we want, but you are gonna love this.
Trust me.
Yeah? Yeah.
Oh, it's the greatest thing in the world-- The stars, the quiet.
And you're gonna like me camping.
I got some camping moves.
Ohh! Get your stinking feet out of my face! They're not touching you! They're not touching you! They're not touching you! Ew! Ugh! So was it? What, Brick? Was what what? Your honeymoon-- Was it romantic? Did you guys have fun? - Sure.
- Sure.
Okay, guys.
This is the good stuff from before government regulations, so shut your eyes.
Go on through.
Aah! It burns my throat! Oh! Did I not say to shut your head holes? All right, come on back through for the sunscreen.
Ow.
Ow, ow.
Way to go, mom and dad! Thanks for bringing us to the jaggedy-est campsite ever.
What is that? What? You said to get water.
From the vending machine, Axl.
Why do you think I gave you 2 bucks? Well, I thought you were paying me, but now I see I'm just your slave.
Yes, master.
Ow, ow, ow.
- Ow, ow, ow.
- Wait, Axl, before you go, there's not some special high school ruled paper, is there? 'Cause I know there's college ruled, but I didn't see any high school ruled.
Is there high school ruled? Here's the thing.
They don't really care that much about paper, but for some reason, they are crazy strict about erasers.
They are? Yeah.
There's this really specific one they want you to have.
It's pink on one side, gray on the other, and they're really obsessed about it.
This one kid last year tried to use the wrong eraser, and Got expelled.
Really? Uh-huh.
Now he lives in an abandoned sewer pipe, and for dinner, all he eats is Sue's an idiot.
Oh, ha ha, Axl.
You are hilariously funny.
So do I need a special eraser or not?! Come on, Brick.
Book down.
We're hitting the lake.
No.
No finger.
Come on.
Let's go.
How long will this take? I don't know, Brick.
It's really up to the fish.
Why do I have to go? Because we're camping.
It's a beautiful day, and I said so.
Was it a beautiful day on your bad honeymoon? Bad? No one said it was bad.
Rain's kinda romantic, isn't it? Uh-huh! Might want to put down that metal pole.
You can get electrocuted pretty bad.
Oh, so it rained on your honeymoon? So that's why it was so bad? Yeah, bad, rainy honeymoon.
That's it.
Anyway-- Mom.
Jeez! What are you, a cop or something? I said that's it.
I actually wanted to talk to you about something else.
You may not be aware, because I've been playing it pretty cool, but I'm sort of nervous about starting high school.
Oh, honey.
Everybody's nervous.
But you have carly, so-- But that's just it.
See, carly got this boyfriend, so she's going into high school practically an adult, and the only adult experience I have was the time I filled out the "Cosmo" sex quiz.
I didn't know any of the answers.
I didn't even understand the questions.
I just filled in all B's and C's.
It's okay.
Look, I know you may feel worried, but I'm not worried about you.
I think you're gonna do great in high school.
Really? How great? I think you will do as great as you always do.
But I just get the feeling it's gonna be a lot different.
I mean, high school kids are a lot more mature.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Ow! Bleeding.
Definitely bleeding.
Ow.
Ow, ow.
Pretty great, huh? You get why-- Oh, for the love of God, are you reading again? I thought we left the book back at the campsite.
Brick, we're not here to read.
We're here to spend time together and enjoy the lake.
Oh, you wanna know about the lake.
It says the lake is and fed by eight streams.
Really? What color is it? Print's a little fuzzy.
Maybe Gray or Oh.
Actually, it's more blue.
Hmm.
And silvery.
They should really take a better picture of that and put it in a book so people can enjoy it.
Brick, you just did enjoy it, and you know why? 'Cause you looked at it.
You gotta look at the lake and the trees and the whole deal, or you're missing out.
Yeah.
I think I'm just more of a book person.
I don't know what to tell you then.
Think of the trees as pre-books.
Look, Brick, you know all the people that wrote these books you read? Authors.
Yeah, I know what they're called, Brick.
Point is, they had to actually do something to have something to write about, to-- to experience stuff around 'em.
Nobody wrote a book about reading a book.
Actually, they did.
"The Neverending Story," which was first published in German under the title "Die Unendliche Geschichte.
" Geschichte.
Here.
Now what? Well Now nothing.
Now we sit and we wait.
That's the beauty of it.
Lot of people don't understand the beauty of quiet-- Lot of people right in our house.
It's a lot like standing in line at the grocery store, only holding a stick.
Yeah, I guess it is.
Huh.
Yep.
Whoa! What is happening? What is that? M-my pole is all bendy.
You got one! - Really?! I did?! - Mm-hmm.
- I read about this! - Yeah.
Reel it in.
No, no, no.
The other way.
Okay, yeah.
Th-that's fine.
Give a little slack, or you'll lose him.
There you go.
You got it! Here you go.
Yes! Come here! You got him! Nice going! Wow! A fish! Is this how fish sticks start out? Well, not the ones we can afford.
Hey, hey.
Guess who caught his first fish.
Wow, Brick! Good goin'! Yep.
Brick kept an open mind, and now he really gets camping.
Don't you, buddy? I caught two, and dad caught six, and then we both peed in the bushes.
Hey, can we invite the people in the winnebago with the tv to have dinner with us? No, Brick, this is just for us.
Oh, sure.
So now you wanna keep it to just us.
Hmm.
Well The ground's still kinda wet, but our honeymoon suite is all set.
Ready to carry me over the flap? Oh, I've been ready all day.
What's that? I don't know.
Hey! Hello? Who's there? Hello? Anybody? Hey.
I know you.
Do I know you? Mike.
Mike Heck.
It's me, Nicky Kohlbrenner.
Class of '83.
Manager of the basketball team.
Hey wow.
Nicky.
Hey, pal.
Well, here, I'm gonna put you down now.
Been forever.
I mean, what are the odds? And who is this lovely lady? This is Frankie, my wife.
You're married.
Good for you.
Good for you.
Mikey, what ever happened to that-- That smoking hot chick you dated senior year? What was her name? Uh, Darcy Stacy Tracy.
Right! Tracy.
Man, you were really in love with her.
I thought for sure you two were gonna get married.
Yeah, he was just gaga over her.
Remember the time you snuck her onto the team bus? Oh, man! Get a room.
Yeah, well, Nicky, turns out this is the gal for me.
So how long you two been hitched? Oh about four hours.
Oh, my God.
This is your honeymoon? Am I crashing your honeymoon? Well sorta, kinda.
Well, why didn't you say so? Oh, jeez.
Where are my manners? I got some wine right here for a toast.
What are the odds? Go ahead.
Oh, no, that's okay.
I'm not really a wine sipper.
Take it.
It's my gift to you.
Oh, that's Mmm.
Wow.
It's nice.
Yeah.
That's from Kohlbrenner vineyards, IE, my bathtub.
Well, it's great to see ya.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You, too.
Ohh.
Oh, boy.
Ohh.
Boy, that's feels good.
Could I trouble you for the day? Uh, Saturday.
Wow.
I've been walking for two days.
I guess it's time to admit I'm lost.
By the way, you look really familiar.
Have we met before? Oh, no.
I'm pretty sure I would have remembered you.
Well, kudos for landing the power forward of the Orson thundering hens municipal champs.
And you were the manager, you said? Ah, that's all right, Mikey.
I don't expect you to remember me.
You were the big star.
I just took care of the equipment.
Ah.
Not like I ever played.
Well there was that one time the coach told me to suit up last game of senior year.
Oh, yeah? Four minutes on the clock.
You take the charge from the big power forward, and bam! You hit the floor.
You're not getting up.
And then, coach Benson turned, and he pointed to me.
And then I got up off the bench, finally.
And then I heard the crowd starting to cheer, and wow, you got up, Mikey.
Who woulda guessed you'd stand up from an injury like that? Not me, but you did.
So back down on the bench I went.
My dad was in the stands.
I remember, 'cause he picked his camera up like this and then Back down like this.
He died that year, but it's not like I didn't go on to success.
I mean, I didn't go on to success, but it's okay.
My lack of success means I don't meet a lot of women, but I like the solitude.
Or you grow to like it anyway.
Funny thing is, you didn't even play that well.
You just limped around.
You didn't score one point that whole last quarter.
Oh, well.
Why don't you stay for dinner? So what happened? Did he turn out to be one of those escaped convicts with a hook for a hand? I wish.
Frankie.
Aah! I'm telling mom! Mom! What the hell's going on? Axl chip-clipped my eye! Axl! It really hurts! But I left it on so you could see what he did to me.
It's her fault! I was aiming for her mouth, but she moved! Axl! What were you thinking?! You could really have hurt your sister, and now the chips are gonna get stale! She won't shut up about high school.
She's driving me nuts! I mean, you have to agree, she's a huge dork! What's on your feet? They're my dope new kicks.
Check 'em out.
Just tell me you took the cereal out first.
No, I'm a moron who tied full cereal boxes to his feet.
Okay, Axl, no more hurting your sister, and, Sue, no more talking about high school.
We came here to have family fun, and that's what we're gonna do! So you're finally gonna let us go over to the winnebago and watch tv? No, we're playing a board game that I brought.
Ugh! Even in the woods, we're the poorest people! Uh, mom, I don't remember there being a spinner in Monopoly.
Way to go, mom.
There's no dice.
And no properties.
Only some "Sorry!" cards.
That's okay.
We can make this work.
Look, look, look, we each get some money to start.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, except for Mike, who gets 2 scrabble tiles, each worth $100.
Hmm.
- I get the thimble! - I get the battleship.
Hey, the only thing left in here is a dirty sock.
Okay, so Brick's the dirty sock, and your dad and I will just keep track of where we're going with our fingers.
See? This is gonna work out great.
I'm first.
Community chest! There's no cards.
Okay, well, um Pop this bubble, and if you get a 2 or a 6, you get another turn.
Oh! 5.
Too bad.
Brick, you're up.
Brick.
Oh, me? I thought you said "Rick.
" Three, four, five This chunk of the board's missing.
That's okay.
You can either, uh, buy a hungry hippo to swim across the gap or trade in Professor Plum for a bonus spin.
How much for the hippo? Frankie, this game makes no sense.
I'm trying to make a special vacation here, Mike.
Just spin.
Oh, my God.
I thought of a really important question about high school that really needs to be answered.
See? She won't shut up! Hence the chip clip.
"Reading Railroad.
" Uh we don't have that one.
Oh, well, you can have Peppermint Forest or Queen Frostine, or you pick one of these activity cards.
Ah.
"Do a charade.
" No.
Oh, come on! That would be fun.
We'll never know.
Please, Axl, it's really important.
Sue, I told you we're not talking about that right now.
We're trying to create some special family memories, okay? Axl, spin.
Come on, "bankrupt," so I don't have to play this lame game anymore.
Uh Ooh! Landed on water works.
Gonna king myself for that.
That's not how it works.
You could only king yourself if you connect four.
Axl, please, you have to tell me! Do we say the pledge of allegiance before or after the morning announcements? Sue! What?! I'm not asking as a student.
I am asking as an American.
Oh my God.
Seriously, mom, you cannot send her to my school! All right, since Axl's being mean to his sister, he loses a turn.
G-17.
Reverse bingo to you, Brick.
Oh, so she's a complete freak show, and then when I call her on it, I'm the mean one?! Stop yelling.
People come to the woods for quiet.
Look, I'll give you three fonzie "cool" points if you stop fighting.
Brick, it's your turn.
Brick! Brick? Huh? Oh, I don't know the rules of the game.
Nobody knows the rules of the game.
Just spin or pop or whatever and move your sock.
Brick.
He's reading a book.
Just because Sue is being a freak show, you don't have to take your anger out on me.
I am not a freak show.
I am just asking questions that any incoming freshman would want to know.
And I still don't think I got a clear answer on that pledge of allegiance thing.
Brick, what did I say to you out by the lake? Well, first you said, "pretty great, huh? "For the love of God, you're reading again.
I thought we left the book back at the campsite," - and then I said-- - I don't need the minutes.
What was the point I was making? If you don't know, how am I supposed to? Kabam! I just sunk your yahtzee.
Brick, what did I tell you about not burying your head in a book? I looked at the lake.
It's not just about looking at the lake one time, Brick.
The lake is a symbol.
It's about Participating in life, being part of the family, noticing what's around you.
There are amazing stars up there if you ever looked at 'em.
I thought you got that.
Oh.
Apparently not.
All right, you know what? Fine.
You wanna read? Go to your tent.
Okay.
Yeah, great punishment, Mike.
You're sending him to a more comfortable place to do what he's already been doing.
Sue, it's your turn.
Here.
I'll read the card for you.
Do not pass go.
Go right to loser gardens where you already own all the properties.
Hmm.
The player to your left is a smelly footed stupid head.
Player to your right has no witty comebacks! The player to your left has an ugly face! The player to your right should already know what an ugly face is 'cause she looks at one every day in the mirror! Ohh! I'd like to solve the murder.
Sue got killed in the woods with the ax! Ugh! Take this, you-- Stop it, you two! You're ruining battle Boggleopoly! - Aah! - That's it! Sue, Axl, go to your tent! What? But she's the one who did the-- Axl, stop it.
I don't wanna hear it.
You've been a jerk to your sister this whole vacation, and you are her big brother! You're supposed to help her! Why? Why do I always have to help her? Why do I always have to be the one to save the day? What?! When did you ever save the day? Seriously, name one day you saved.
No, not even a day.
Name a morning you saved.
You know, she's scared, Axl.
She's scared? I'm scared! Ever think about that? Everyone's always worried about Sue, but what about me? I spent years building my reputation at school, and now she's coming into my world, and Sue-ing it up! It's not fair! But no one cares about what I might be going through.
Nobody even thinks about me! Ugh! Ugh! See? This is why I didn't wanna go camping.
It does not bring people closer together.
It brings them farther apart.
Will you stop blaming everything on camping? You had one bad time.
It was really bad.
Okay, yes, and it's all my fault.
It was, Mike.
It was.
So then the ball's coming right at you, but there's not even enough time to raise your hands, so you bump the ball off your head into the air-- Whoosh! Right into the bucket to beat the buzzer.
What are the odds? I forgot all about that.
That was a great game.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Ugh! We make a good team.
You hit the shot.
I wiped your sweat up off the floor.
Hey, I never slipped once.
Oh, and then remember you told Tracy that you were too woozy to drive home, 'cause you hit the ball on your head, so you had to go home with her.
Ah, you dog.
Okay.
Mrs.
dog-- Right here.
Uh-oh.
You're upset.
Mike, I made your new wife upset.
I'm not upset.
Here.
Let me make you An "I'm sorry" s'more.
The secret is to shimmy the marshmallow off the stick.
Shimmy.
Don't yank.
Shimmy.
- No.
- Taste the difference that the shimmy makes.
Thanks, but-- - You gotta try it.
It's good.
- No, I-- Mmm.
Yeah.
That's tasty.
But I'm still kinda full from all the cake.
From our wedding Earlier today.
Oh.
Hey, I get it.
Message received.
You don't gotta tell me twice.
If there's one thing you can say about Nicky Kohlbrenner, he knows when he's not wanted.
He knows it a lot.
Okay.
There was an order I packed it so it all fit.
Hey, pal, why don't you let me help you here? Look at that.
- That'll go there.
- All set.
- Oh, look at that.
It all fits.
- Oh, beautiful.
Look at that.
Okay.
Very good, very good.
- Bring it up.
Put it on his back.
- Here we go.
There's no chance you're ever looking up Tracy again, right? You mind if I take a crack at that? Hey, knock yourself out.
Well, bye now.
Right when I was about to leave.
What are the odds? Why don't you stay until the rain stops? Whoo.
Wow.
I guess I had to get lost to find a true friend.
Oh, these scented candles are nice.
Seriously, Mike? What? Frankie, what am I supposed to do? You think I'm happy about this? I don't know.
Maybe you are.
We've only been married one day.
I don't know you that well.
Maybe you're the kind of guy who hangs out with his buddies all the time and ignores his wife! You may have just shown me a side of you I don't know if I like.
Well, I thought you were sweet and caring, but I guess you're the kind of girl that sends a lost guy out into the rain! Maybe you just showed me a side of you that I don't know if I'd like.
Are these chocolates for everybody? Great.
Neither of us likes each other, and now we're having our first fight! It's not bad enough that we're camping on our honeymoon, and now we're fighting.
You were excited about camping! I said, "oh, wow.
" That's not excited! That's lying! You don't know me at all! You know, the guy did say, "for better or worse.
" Well, I didn't know you'd be leading with worse! Okay! I screwed up.
I took you camping on our honeymoon, which is apparently the worst idea ever.
It rained, and an annoying guy from my high school showed up, and we had a fight.
But it was 19 years ago, Frankie.
19 years! We got three kids! It worked out! Why won't you let this go? Because I can't.
Okay, fine, then sulk.
Sulk just like you did then.
I didn't sulk! Yes, you did.
You sulked all night, and you couldn't let it go.
I tried to make up with you! - What? - That's right.
In the tent.
I tried to make up with you! Mike? Mike, the rain stopped.
He's gone.
Aw.
I'm sorry, Mike.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Ohh.
Aah! Aah! I'm kidding.
I knew it was you.
You're not Mike! Oh, you and everybody else.
It's like I'm talking to my father all over again.
Get out! Get out, get out, get out, get out! Okay.
We're in a tent here.
It's just us.
Get out! You know, in an alternate universe, you and I could have been very happy together.
Get out.
Ugh! What? That's right, Mike.
I almost consummated our marriage with Nicky Kohlbrenner! What?! I thought it was you! How could you think it was me? Why would I think it wasn't you? There was one man in the tent.
I assumed it was my new husband, you know, seeing as it was our honeymoon and all! I went for a walk.
Who goes for a walk on their honeymoon?! We had been fighting! I wasn't used to it like I am now! If I'd have known that you'd jump on any tall guy in a sleeping bag, I wouldn't have.
Oh, jeez, there's a man sleeping next to me on my wedding night that's not my husband?! What are the odds? I'll tell you what the odds are, Mike.
1 in 2.
What are you yelling at me for? You're the one that kissed the guy.
You know how many people I kissed since we got married? You! I think I deserve a freebie.
Fine! Be my guest! Got anyone in mind? Oh, I got a few in mind.
Maybe some that you might not expect.
You got nothin'.
Oh, but you know what it is, Frankie? still having the same argument, and you know why? Because you don't know how to go with the flow.
And until you learn how to go with the flow, you'll never get camping! I was trying to create some memories! Well, you got 'em! So everyone went to bed mad.
In the race for suckiest night of my life, tonight was officially neck and neck with my honeymoon.
- Ow.
- Mom? You're on my hand.
Oh, sorry.
Mom, guess what? I've matured.
Yeah, Sue, you're going to high school.
We get it.
No, I mean, I was just in the bathroom, and I found out I've matured.
Wait.
You mean Yes! Can you believe it? I've been lying about having it for a year and a half, and it finally happened! Oh, wow! I know.
Okay, okay, okay.
Um, do you need a-- No.
I've been carrying them around in my purse for years.
Isn't it exciting? Yeah, well, it's not always gonna be as fun as it seems tonight, but The funny thing is, when I thought about telling carly on Monday, it hit me that we might not be in the same homeroom anymore, which usually would make me worry.
But then I realized, all that stuff that scared me about high school was just sort of gone.
- Oh, Sue! - Yeah.
Just don't tell dad or Axl.
Of course.
It'll be just between us girls.
I mean, us women.
Oh, shh! We're gonna wake dad.
Doesn't sound like dad.
Then I remembered ignoring something Brick read to us in the car.
"Bears are most active around dawn and dusk.
"They're often attracted to improperly packed food, "but some studies suggest they may also be drawn to menstruating women.
" Wake up! - Wake up! - Frankie, what's going on? Sue's got her period, and there's a bear outside! - Mom! - Oh! What's with the screaming? - There's a bear, and Sue got her period! - What? Run.
Run.
Everybody get to the car.
Bear! Bear! My daughter's got her period! Everybody run! Run away! Really, Sue? Now?! I couldn't help it.
It's a girl with her period! There have been studies! Make way! Mom, you said you weren't gonna tell! Oh! Wait.
Where's Brick? Brick! I don't know.
He said something earlier - about going to look at the stars.
- Oh, God.
He's out there by himself, and it's my fault.
Why did I tell him not to read? Oh, no.
He's so little.
He's gonna be like an appetizer! I gotta go find him.
I'm right here.
Oh, Brick! Oh, you scared us! We thought you were out there looking at stars.
I was.
Jeez, Brick, you still don't get it, do ya? - I thought I explained-- - Mike, not the time! Oh, damn it.
The battery's dead.
Sorry, I was using the light to read.
I think it wants Sue! Just give her to the bear and let him marry her! It's not like she's gonna do any better! Oh! We're all gonna die! All right, everyone quiet! I'll handle this.
Hey! "Hey"? That won't even get the Glossners off our front lawn! Oh, God! Okay, everyone just hold on! I read bears don't like loud noises! We should all shout or sing! 99 bottles of beer on the wall 99 bottles of beer 99 bottles of beer take one down, pass it around 98 bottles of beer on the wall 98 bottles of beer on the wall Around 86 bottles of beer on the wall, the bear went away.
Turns out nobody likes that song.
Yep, there's a lot of different things you can bring back from a summer vacation-- A magnet, a t-shirt, a picture with all your heads through a funny cut-out.
But once in a while, you bring home something a lot more meaningful.
Like I said, Mrs.
Heck, camping.
I get it now.
I wonder how long it'll last.
Oh, Axl, one more question.
Are the water fountains twist or push, because-- Hey! I'll drive her.
Hey!
But this year turned out a little different.
Oh, do you have to go back to school? I already miss you guys.
We miss you, too.
I love you so much.
Ohh.
I love you, mom.
- Dad.
- Son.
I wish I could go to the same school as you guys.
Us, too, Brick.
Us, too.
Mike, call me as soon as you get to work.
I will call you from the car.
Yeah, we'll call you, too, mom.
I'll call everyone from the pay phone in the school library.
Wait.
Family hug.
I know what you're thinking.
This can't possibly be my family, but it is.
So how did we get this way? Ugh.
Where do I start? You know how in summer, everyone takes those magical family bonding trips? Hi! We're back from Disney world.
Well, we took in their mail.
Here you go.
Really appreciate your hospitality, Mrs.
Heck.
Here's a little something for you from us.
Souvenir magnet.
Thank you.
Love it.
Hi! We're back from the dells.
Here's your mail.
Thanks a bunch, Frankie.
Oh.
And we got something for you, too.
Aw, and it's shaped like a little, tiny cheese.
'Cause they have cheese in Wisconsin.
That's cute.
- Greetings from the Bahamas-- - Here.
Oh, hang on.
It had a couple babies, but don't worry.
It ate 'em.
Wow.
We suck, Mike.
I ain't gonna argue.
We got any more mayo? Seriously, look at all the great places everybody went this summer.
What did we do? Squat.
Yeah, but with everybody else gone, we had the run of the neighborhood.
Left the garbage cans out for weeks, washed the car in my pajamas.
You can't buy that kind of experience.
You should've seen 'em, Mike-- Just so happy and close and sun-kissed.
What about us? We barely even saw our kids.
I know.
Kind of a perfect summer, wasn't it? No, but shouldn't we wanna see 'em? I mean, isn't it our obligation to make memories for them, you know, while there's still time? I mean, think about it.
Sue's starting high school.
Axl's gonna be a junior.
A few more years, the kids will be gone.
Don't jinx it.
No, I'm serious, Mike.
Before long, we're gonna be living in an empty house.
Keep talking like that, I just might put this sandwich down and pick you up.
Okay, fine.
Joke all you want, but name three times that you've seen the kids since may.
And not just in the house.
I'll even count around town.
The more Mike thought about it, the more he realized I was right.
Thanks to his lifeguard job, the only evidence of Axl even existing in our house anymore was a pile of wet towels and dirty clothes.
Red bull.
A hint of BO.
I think he was here Wednesday.
Nope, he was way too busy enjoying his newfound superpower.
You! In the yellow 2-piece.
Over here.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Your shoulders are getting red.
You're gonna have to stay in the shade next to me.
Right here.
Come.
Purple top, green bottom, bring it over.
I saw you had a popsicle before you went in.
You know the rule about eating and swimming.
I'm gonna need your number so I can call you later to make sure that you're okay.
There you go.
And, uh, also send your friend over.
She looks like she was about to run.
Meanwhile, Brick was enjoying a few joys of summer of his own.
Shh! And Sue spent her summer with carly, camped out at the mall.
Oh, my God.
That cute boy at hot dog America is totally looking over here.
Really? Wait.
Don't look.
Okay, now look.
Wait, don't! Okay, now.
Aah! He saw us looking.
Which do you like better, yellow mustard or brown mustard? - Which do you like better? - I asked you first.
I know what one I like.
Okay, on three.
One, two - Brown.
- Yellow! Okay, Mike.
You might not have missed the kids, but I have, and I don't want the only magnet we have to show for ourselves to be from Orson gutter and septic.
Well, in case you didn't notice, those magnets are holding up our unpaid bills.
Well, we'll just have to be creative, then.
Come on.
Think.
Just something quick and cheap that we can look back on when we're old and alone and say, "hey, remember that thing we did with those kids we used to have?" Well, you want quick and cheap, I got quick and cheap for ya.
Oh, no.
- Don't say it.
- I'm gonna say it.
- No, don't say it.
- I'm saying it.
Camping.
There.
I said it.
- Really? - Yep.
Camping.
You really gonna go there? You-- think carefully.
I said it, didn't I? Mike, the last time I went camping with you was literally the worst night of my life.
The worst.
- Worst.
- Come on.
Our honeymoon was 19 years ago.
Yeah, and you know exactly how horrible it was.
Wasn't that bad.
It practically killed our marriage out of the gate.
And I swore after that night, I would never go back in the woods with you again.
Hey, you want a vacation or not? You know what? I think this was your plan all along.
Yeah, this was my master plan-- Stay poor for 19 years so we can go camping again.
So after five hours driving around town hunting down all our kids, we finally had 'em all in one place to break the good news.
Now we know your friends all had fun this summer going on these great family vacations, and you were thinking, "gee, we didn't do anything.
" And me and dad wanted to spend some time with you before school starts, so Guess what? We're gonna take a little family vacation of our own.
No! What?! It's my last weekend as a lifeguard.
After this, all the chicks cover up and get fat for the winter.
The librarian was gonna let me re-shelve etruscan literature.
They don't let civilians do that.
But I start high school on Monday.
High school! And I'm not remotely ready.
I haven't even finished decorating my binder.
Please, please, don't make me go! You can't do this! You can't just spring a vacation on us.
Jeez, you don't even know what we're doing.
What are we doing? We're going camping.
No! Yeah.
It was your dad's idea.
Dad! - Why are you punishing us? - What did we do?! Hey, I was perfectly happy not seeing you kids all summer.
- This is your mom's thing.
- Mom! Can't we at least do something inside that has a tv and isn't gross? Look, any motel we can afford is gonna have more bugs than the woods.
Just get on board with camping.
Guys, camping was not my first choice either by a long shot.
But here's an idea.
Maybe we just don't use that word.
Let's not think of it as camping.
Let's think of it as outdoor family fun.
But we don't wanna go.
Fine.
Forced family fun.
You're dragging us into the woods against our will.
That's kidnapping.
Mm, if we were gonna kidnap some kids, you'd be far down the list.
It's just for two days.
Hey, wanna go for three? So with lowered expectations and a vague sense of dread, we packed up the station wagon and hit the road.
And this time, I'm proud to say I finally remembered to bring the blue snack bag All the way to the car.
You forgot the blue bag?! You think I'm happy about this? I had wine coolers and a frozen snickers in there.
Hey, you see that poplar grove over there? That is one of the oldest in the state of Indiana.
It says here the tulip poplar, or liriodendron tulipfera, grows to 70 feet and has beautiful flowers.
I know.
I just saw a bunch of 'em right over there.
Axl, I need to know.
In high school, what do people do in study hall and how do you work the combination lock and where do people eat lunch and can I still eat goldfish or is that considered a kid snack and should I try to find a snack that is more mature? Shh! I'm sleeping.
I need to know this stuff, Axl.
I'm starting high school, and I don't want to look like a dork! Wait.
What's this? It's a message from that ship.
Darn it.
It already sailed.
Mom! Did you hear that? Did you hear what he just said? I could say I did, but honestly, I wasn't listening.
Mike, I'm smelling something really rank.
Do you smell that? Fine, Axl.
Who needs you anyway? I'm sure everything I need to know is in my freshman handbook.
Oh, no! I forgot my freshman handbook! Dad, we have to turn around right now! We have to go back! There's an idea I can get behind.
Why don't you get behind the idea of not being a smartass? Are you talking to me? That's for the whole backseat.
According to my book, we should be passing by a log cabin that Abraham Lincoln spent the night at during his run for presidency.
Then let's keep our eyes peeled.
That's okay.
They have a picture.
Axl, we need to talk about the cafeteria.
In high school, do we call it the "caf"? Because when Hannah Montana went to high school, - they called it the "caf.
" - Sue, keep talking, but just remember, if I threw you out of the car right now, I'd be tried as a juvenile.
Is there one lunch period that's cooler than the other? Whatever one you're not in.
Which one are you in? Aah! Why are you asking me that?! Why is she asking me that?! Because we're going to the same school, and I might need to go up to your table at lunch and ask you something! - Okay! - Aah! That's it! If you are insisting on going to school with me, we are setting some ground rules right now! No looking at me, no talking to me, no acknowledging me in any way.
If an emergency happens, like mom or dad dies or something, you can relay the message to Sean, and he will let me know, and I will see you at the funeral.
- Have I made myself clear? - But what if I-- Or if I-- But what if there's an emergency - and someone puts a bomb in my backpack and I might need - Hey! Okay, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! How about we all sing a fun family traveling song? 99 bottles of beer on the wall 99 bottles of beer take one down, pass it around, 98-- Really? You're all just so busy? Ugh.
Now I'm starting to smell something, too.
Yeah.
I'm getting it now.
- Axl's not wearing shoes.
- Oh! - What? - Gross, Axl! - Axl, put your shoes on.
- Can't.
I forgot 'em.
- What?! - Are you kidding? You forgot shoes? How does a person forget shoes? How does a person forget a snack bag? I guess the shoes I'm not wearing are now on the other foot.
Well, we can't stop to get you any, genius.
We're in the middle of nowhere.
Relax! I don't need 'em.
I've been barefoot all summer.
My feet are practically shoes now anyway.
Check out these leathery dogs.
Ohh! Ohh! - Axl! Come on.
- Ohh! Oh, my God! You can't handle this, what are you taking us camping for? It'll be like going on vacation on the bottom of my foot.
Hey, I don't wanna hear any more complaints about camping.
- Camping is gonna be great.
- Pfft.
Okay, you can't judge camping from our honeymoon, Frankie.
This is a whole new thing.
You went camping on your honeymoon? Dad, did you really take mom camping? Oh! Is that why she never talks about it? It was a perfectly valid honeymoon choice, and, by the way, she was on board with it in the beginning.
Oh.
So are you gonna tell me where you're taking me on our honeymoon? Oh, now that's a surprise, Mrs.
Heck.
"Mrs.
Heck.
" I'm Mrs.
Heck.
I'm a wife.
Whoa.
I'm a wife.
And someday I'm gonna be a mom, and you're gonna be a dad, and our kids will be in the backseat.
That'll be fun, don't you think-- Us driving around with our two kids? We are gonna have awesome kids! Oh, so where are you gonna take me? You want me to blow the surprise? I really do.
Well, Mrs.
Heck, I am taking you camping.
Oh, wow! - Camping.
- You're disappointed.
No! No.
Are you kidding? Look, in 10 or 20 years from now, when we got tons of money, we're gonna be able to go on vacation anywhere we want, but you are gonna love this.
Trust me.
Yeah? Yeah.
Oh, it's the greatest thing in the world-- The stars, the quiet.
And you're gonna like me camping.
I got some camping moves.
Ohh! Get your stinking feet out of my face! They're not touching you! They're not touching you! They're not touching you! Ew! Ugh! So was it? What, Brick? Was what what? Your honeymoon-- Was it romantic? Did you guys have fun? - Sure.
- Sure.
Okay, guys.
This is the good stuff from before government regulations, so shut your eyes.
Go on through.
Aah! It burns my throat! Oh! Did I not say to shut your head holes? All right, come on back through for the sunscreen.
Ow.
Ow, ow.
Way to go, mom and dad! Thanks for bringing us to the jaggedy-est campsite ever.
What is that? What? You said to get water.
From the vending machine, Axl.
Why do you think I gave you 2 bucks? Well, I thought you were paying me, but now I see I'm just your slave.
Yes, master.
Ow, ow, ow.
- Ow, ow, ow.
- Wait, Axl, before you go, there's not some special high school ruled paper, is there? 'Cause I know there's college ruled, but I didn't see any high school ruled.
Is there high school ruled? Here's the thing.
They don't really care that much about paper, but for some reason, they are crazy strict about erasers.
They are? Yeah.
There's this really specific one they want you to have.
It's pink on one side, gray on the other, and they're really obsessed about it.
This one kid last year tried to use the wrong eraser, and Got expelled.
Really? Uh-huh.
Now he lives in an abandoned sewer pipe, and for dinner, all he eats is Sue's an idiot.
Oh, ha ha, Axl.
You are hilariously funny.
So do I need a special eraser or not?! Come on, Brick.
Book down.
We're hitting the lake.
No.
No finger.
Come on.
Let's go.
How long will this take? I don't know, Brick.
It's really up to the fish.
Why do I have to go? Because we're camping.
It's a beautiful day, and I said so.
Was it a beautiful day on your bad honeymoon? Bad? No one said it was bad.
Rain's kinda romantic, isn't it? Uh-huh! Might want to put down that metal pole.
You can get electrocuted pretty bad.
Oh, so it rained on your honeymoon? So that's why it was so bad? Yeah, bad, rainy honeymoon.
That's it.
Anyway-- Mom.
Jeez! What are you, a cop or something? I said that's it.
I actually wanted to talk to you about something else.
You may not be aware, because I've been playing it pretty cool, but I'm sort of nervous about starting high school.
Oh, honey.
Everybody's nervous.
But you have carly, so-- But that's just it.
See, carly got this boyfriend, so she's going into high school practically an adult, and the only adult experience I have was the time I filled out the "Cosmo" sex quiz.
I didn't know any of the answers.
I didn't even understand the questions.
I just filled in all B's and C's.
It's okay.
Look, I know you may feel worried, but I'm not worried about you.
I think you're gonna do great in high school.
Really? How great? I think you will do as great as you always do.
But I just get the feeling it's gonna be a lot different.
I mean, high school kids are a lot more mature.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Ow! Bleeding.
Definitely bleeding.
Ow.
Ow, ow.
Pretty great, huh? You get why-- Oh, for the love of God, are you reading again? I thought we left the book back at the campsite.
Brick, we're not here to read.
We're here to spend time together and enjoy the lake.
Oh, you wanna know about the lake.
It says the lake is and fed by eight streams.
Really? What color is it? Print's a little fuzzy.
Maybe Gray or Oh.
Actually, it's more blue.
Hmm.
And silvery.
They should really take a better picture of that and put it in a book so people can enjoy it.
Brick, you just did enjoy it, and you know why? 'Cause you looked at it.
You gotta look at the lake and the trees and the whole deal, or you're missing out.
Yeah.
I think I'm just more of a book person.
I don't know what to tell you then.
Think of the trees as pre-books.
Look, Brick, you know all the people that wrote these books you read? Authors.
Yeah, I know what they're called, Brick.
Point is, they had to actually do something to have something to write about, to-- to experience stuff around 'em.
Nobody wrote a book about reading a book.
Actually, they did.
"The Neverending Story," which was first published in German under the title "Die Unendliche Geschichte.
" Geschichte.
Here.
Now what? Well Now nothing.
Now we sit and we wait.
That's the beauty of it.
Lot of people don't understand the beauty of quiet-- Lot of people right in our house.
It's a lot like standing in line at the grocery store, only holding a stick.
Yeah, I guess it is.
Huh.
Yep.
Whoa! What is happening? What is that? M-my pole is all bendy.
You got one! - Really?! I did?! - Mm-hmm.
- I read about this! - Yeah.
Reel it in.
No, no, no.
The other way.
Okay, yeah.
Th-that's fine.
Give a little slack, or you'll lose him.
There you go.
You got it! Here you go.
Yes! Come here! You got him! Nice going! Wow! A fish! Is this how fish sticks start out? Well, not the ones we can afford.
Hey, hey.
Guess who caught his first fish.
Wow, Brick! Good goin'! Yep.
Brick kept an open mind, and now he really gets camping.
Don't you, buddy? I caught two, and dad caught six, and then we both peed in the bushes.
Hey, can we invite the people in the winnebago with the tv to have dinner with us? No, Brick, this is just for us.
Oh, sure.
So now you wanna keep it to just us.
Hmm.
Well The ground's still kinda wet, but our honeymoon suite is all set.
Ready to carry me over the flap? Oh, I've been ready all day.
What's that? I don't know.
Hey! Hello? Who's there? Hello? Anybody? Hey.
I know you.
Do I know you? Mike.
Mike Heck.
It's me, Nicky Kohlbrenner.
Class of '83.
Manager of the basketball team.
Hey wow.
Nicky.
Hey, pal.
Well, here, I'm gonna put you down now.
Been forever.
I mean, what are the odds? And who is this lovely lady? This is Frankie, my wife.
You're married.
Good for you.
Good for you.
Mikey, what ever happened to that-- That smoking hot chick you dated senior year? What was her name? Uh, Darcy Stacy Tracy.
Right! Tracy.
Man, you were really in love with her.
I thought for sure you two were gonna get married.
Yeah, he was just gaga over her.
Remember the time you snuck her onto the team bus? Oh, man! Get a room.
Yeah, well, Nicky, turns out this is the gal for me.
So how long you two been hitched? Oh about four hours.
Oh, my God.
This is your honeymoon? Am I crashing your honeymoon? Well sorta, kinda.
Well, why didn't you say so? Oh, jeez.
Where are my manners? I got some wine right here for a toast.
What are the odds? Go ahead.
Oh, no, that's okay.
I'm not really a wine sipper.
Take it.
It's my gift to you.
Oh, that's Mmm.
Wow.
It's nice.
Yeah.
That's from Kohlbrenner vineyards, IE, my bathtub.
Well, it's great to see ya.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You, too.
Ohh.
Oh, boy.
Ohh.
Boy, that's feels good.
Could I trouble you for the day? Uh, Saturday.
Wow.
I've been walking for two days.
I guess it's time to admit I'm lost.
By the way, you look really familiar.
Have we met before? Oh, no.
I'm pretty sure I would have remembered you.
Well, kudos for landing the power forward of the Orson thundering hens municipal champs.
And you were the manager, you said? Ah, that's all right, Mikey.
I don't expect you to remember me.
You were the big star.
I just took care of the equipment.
Ah.
Not like I ever played.
Well there was that one time the coach told me to suit up last game of senior year.
Oh, yeah? Four minutes on the clock.
You take the charge from the big power forward, and bam! You hit the floor.
You're not getting up.
And then, coach Benson turned, and he pointed to me.
And then I got up off the bench, finally.
And then I heard the crowd starting to cheer, and wow, you got up, Mikey.
Who woulda guessed you'd stand up from an injury like that? Not me, but you did.
So back down on the bench I went.
My dad was in the stands.
I remember, 'cause he picked his camera up like this and then Back down like this.
He died that year, but it's not like I didn't go on to success.
I mean, I didn't go on to success, but it's okay.
My lack of success means I don't meet a lot of women, but I like the solitude.
Or you grow to like it anyway.
Funny thing is, you didn't even play that well.
You just limped around.
You didn't score one point that whole last quarter.
Oh, well.
Why don't you stay for dinner? So what happened? Did he turn out to be one of those escaped convicts with a hook for a hand? I wish.
Frankie.
Aah! I'm telling mom! Mom! What the hell's going on? Axl chip-clipped my eye! Axl! It really hurts! But I left it on so you could see what he did to me.
It's her fault! I was aiming for her mouth, but she moved! Axl! What were you thinking?! You could really have hurt your sister, and now the chips are gonna get stale! She won't shut up about high school.
She's driving me nuts! I mean, you have to agree, she's a huge dork! What's on your feet? They're my dope new kicks.
Check 'em out.
Just tell me you took the cereal out first.
No, I'm a moron who tied full cereal boxes to his feet.
Okay, Axl, no more hurting your sister, and, Sue, no more talking about high school.
We came here to have family fun, and that's what we're gonna do! So you're finally gonna let us go over to the winnebago and watch tv? No, we're playing a board game that I brought.
Ugh! Even in the woods, we're the poorest people! Uh, mom, I don't remember there being a spinner in Monopoly.
Way to go, mom.
There's no dice.
And no properties.
Only some "Sorry!" cards.
That's okay.
We can make this work.
Look, look, look, we each get some money to start.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, except for Mike, who gets 2 scrabble tiles, each worth $100.
Hmm.
- I get the thimble! - I get the battleship.
Hey, the only thing left in here is a dirty sock.
Okay, so Brick's the dirty sock, and your dad and I will just keep track of where we're going with our fingers.
See? This is gonna work out great.
I'm first.
Community chest! There's no cards.
Okay, well, um Pop this bubble, and if you get a 2 or a 6, you get another turn.
Oh! 5.
Too bad.
Brick, you're up.
Brick.
Oh, me? I thought you said "Rick.
" Three, four, five This chunk of the board's missing.
That's okay.
You can either, uh, buy a hungry hippo to swim across the gap or trade in Professor Plum for a bonus spin.
How much for the hippo? Frankie, this game makes no sense.
I'm trying to make a special vacation here, Mike.
Just spin.
Oh, my God.
I thought of a really important question about high school that really needs to be answered.
See? She won't shut up! Hence the chip clip.
"Reading Railroad.
" Uh we don't have that one.
Oh, well, you can have Peppermint Forest or Queen Frostine, or you pick one of these activity cards.
Ah.
"Do a charade.
" No.
Oh, come on! That would be fun.
We'll never know.
Please, Axl, it's really important.
Sue, I told you we're not talking about that right now.
We're trying to create some special family memories, okay? Axl, spin.
Come on, "bankrupt," so I don't have to play this lame game anymore.
Uh Ooh! Landed on water works.
Gonna king myself for that.
That's not how it works.
You could only king yourself if you connect four.
Axl, please, you have to tell me! Do we say the pledge of allegiance before or after the morning announcements? Sue! What?! I'm not asking as a student.
I am asking as an American.
Oh my God.
Seriously, mom, you cannot send her to my school! All right, since Axl's being mean to his sister, he loses a turn.
G-17.
Reverse bingo to you, Brick.
Oh, so she's a complete freak show, and then when I call her on it, I'm the mean one?! Stop yelling.
People come to the woods for quiet.
Look, I'll give you three fonzie "cool" points if you stop fighting.
Brick, it's your turn.
Brick! Brick? Huh? Oh, I don't know the rules of the game.
Nobody knows the rules of the game.
Just spin or pop or whatever and move your sock.
Brick.
He's reading a book.
Just because Sue is being a freak show, you don't have to take your anger out on me.
I am not a freak show.
I am just asking questions that any incoming freshman would want to know.
And I still don't think I got a clear answer on that pledge of allegiance thing.
Brick, what did I say to you out by the lake? Well, first you said, "pretty great, huh? "For the love of God, you're reading again.
I thought we left the book back at the campsite," - and then I said-- - I don't need the minutes.
What was the point I was making? If you don't know, how am I supposed to? Kabam! I just sunk your yahtzee.
Brick, what did I tell you about not burying your head in a book? I looked at the lake.
It's not just about looking at the lake one time, Brick.
The lake is a symbol.
It's about Participating in life, being part of the family, noticing what's around you.
There are amazing stars up there if you ever looked at 'em.
I thought you got that.
Oh.
Apparently not.
All right, you know what? Fine.
You wanna read? Go to your tent.
Okay.
Yeah, great punishment, Mike.
You're sending him to a more comfortable place to do what he's already been doing.
Sue, it's your turn.
Here.
I'll read the card for you.
Do not pass go.
Go right to loser gardens where you already own all the properties.
Hmm.
The player to your left is a smelly footed stupid head.
Player to your right has no witty comebacks! The player to your left has an ugly face! The player to your right should already know what an ugly face is 'cause she looks at one every day in the mirror! Ohh! I'd like to solve the murder.
Sue got killed in the woods with the ax! Ugh! Take this, you-- Stop it, you two! You're ruining battle Boggleopoly! - Aah! - That's it! Sue, Axl, go to your tent! What? But she's the one who did the-- Axl, stop it.
I don't wanna hear it.
You've been a jerk to your sister this whole vacation, and you are her big brother! You're supposed to help her! Why? Why do I always have to help her? Why do I always have to be the one to save the day? What?! When did you ever save the day? Seriously, name one day you saved.
No, not even a day.
Name a morning you saved.
You know, she's scared, Axl.
She's scared? I'm scared! Ever think about that? Everyone's always worried about Sue, but what about me? I spent years building my reputation at school, and now she's coming into my world, and Sue-ing it up! It's not fair! But no one cares about what I might be going through.
Nobody even thinks about me! Ugh! Ugh! See? This is why I didn't wanna go camping.
It does not bring people closer together.
It brings them farther apart.
Will you stop blaming everything on camping? You had one bad time.
It was really bad.
Okay, yes, and it's all my fault.
It was, Mike.
It was.
So then the ball's coming right at you, but there's not even enough time to raise your hands, so you bump the ball off your head into the air-- Whoosh! Right into the bucket to beat the buzzer.
What are the odds? I forgot all about that.
That was a great game.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Ugh! We make a good team.
You hit the shot.
I wiped your sweat up off the floor.
Hey, I never slipped once.
Oh, and then remember you told Tracy that you were too woozy to drive home, 'cause you hit the ball on your head, so you had to go home with her.
Ah, you dog.
Okay.
Mrs.
dog-- Right here.
Uh-oh.
You're upset.
Mike, I made your new wife upset.
I'm not upset.
Here.
Let me make you An "I'm sorry" s'more.
The secret is to shimmy the marshmallow off the stick.
Shimmy.
Don't yank.
Shimmy.
- No.
- Taste the difference that the shimmy makes.
Thanks, but-- - You gotta try it.
It's good.
- No, I-- Mmm.
Yeah.
That's tasty.
But I'm still kinda full from all the cake.
From our wedding Earlier today.
Oh.
Hey, I get it.
Message received.
You don't gotta tell me twice.
If there's one thing you can say about Nicky Kohlbrenner, he knows when he's not wanted.
He knows it a lot.
Okay.
There was an order I packed it so it all fit.
Hey, pal, why don't you let me help you here? Look at that.
- That'll go there.
- All set.
- Oh, look at that.
It all fits.
- Oh, beautiful.
Look at that.
Okay.
Very good, very good.
- Bring it up.
Put it on his back.
- Here we go.
There's no chance you're ever looking up Tracy again, right? You mind if I take a crack at that? Hey, knock yourself out.
Well, bye now.
Right when I was about to leave.
What are the odds? Why don't you stay until the rain stops? Whoo.
Wow.
I guess I had to get lost to find a true friend.
Oh, these scented candles are nice.
Seriously, Mike? What? Frankie, what am I supposed to do? You think I'm happy about this? I don't know.
Maybe you are.
We've only been married one day.
I don't know you that well.
Maybe you're the kind of guy who hangs out with his buddies all the time and ignores his wife! You may have just shown me a side of you I don't know if I like.
Well, I thought you were sweet and caring, but I guess you're the kind of girl that sends a lost guy out into the rain! Maybe you just showed me a side of you that I don't know if I'd like.
Are these chocolates for everybody? Great.
Neither of us likes each other, and now we're having our first fight! It's not bad enough that we're camping on our honeymoon, and now we're fighting.
You were excited about camping! I said, "oh, wow.
" That's not excited! That's lying! You don't know me at all! You know, the guy did say, "for better or worse.
" Well, I didn't know you'd be leading with worse! Okay! I screwed up.
I took you camping on our honeymoon, which is apparently the worst idea ever.
It rained, and an annoying guy from my high school showed up, and we had a fight.
But it was 19 years ago, Frankie.
19 years! We got three kids! It worked out! Why won't you let this go? Because I can't.
Okay, fine, then sulk.
Sulk just like you did then.
I didn't sulk! Yes, you did.
You sulked all night, and you couldn't let it go.
I tried to make up with you! - What? - That's right.
In the tent.
I tried to make up with you! Mike? Mike, the rain stopped.
He's gone.
Aw.
I'm sorry, Mike.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Ohh.
Aah! Aah! I'm kidding.
I knew it was you.
You're not Mike! Oh, you and everybody else.
It's like I'm talking to my father all over again.
Get out! Get out, get out, get out, get out! Okay.
We're in a tent here.
It's just us.
Get out! You know, in an alternate universe, you and I could have been very happy together.
Get out.
Ugh! What? That's right, Mike.
I almost consummated our marriage with Nicky Kohlbrenner! What?! I thought it was you! How could you think it was me? Why would I think it wasn't you? There was one man in the tent.
I assumed it was my new husband, you know, seeing as it was our honeymoon and all! I went for a walk.
Who goes for a walk on their honeymoon?! We had been fighting! I wasn't used to it like I am now! If I'd have known that you'd jump on any tall guy in a sleeping bag, I wouldn't have.
Oh, jeez, there's a man sleeping next to me on my wedding night that's not my husband?! What are the odds? I'll tell you what the odds are, Mike.
1 in 2.
What are you yelling at me for? You're the one that kissed the guy.
You know how many people I kissed since we got married? You! I think I deserve a freebie.
Fine! Be my guest! Got anyone in mind? Oh, I got a few in mind.
Maybe some that you might not expect.
You got nothin'.
Oh, but you know what it is, Frankie? still having the same argument, and you know why? Because you don't know how to go with the flow.
And until you learn how to go with the flow, you'll never get camping! I was trying to create some memories! Well, you got 'em! So everyone went to bed mad.
In the race for suckiest night of my life, tonight was officially neck and neck with my honeymoon.
- Ow.
- Mom? You're on my hand.
Oh, sorry.
Mom, guess what? I've matured.
Yeah, Sue, you're going to high school.
We get it.
No, I mean, I was just in the bathroom, and I found out I've matured.
Wait.
You mean Yes! Can you believe it? I've been lying about having it for a year and a half, and it finally happened! Oh, wow! I know.
Okay, okay, okay.
Um, do you need a-- No.
I've been carrying them around in my purse for years.
Isn't it exciting? Yeah, well, it's not always gonna be as fun as it seems tonight, but The funny thing is, when I thought about telling carly on Monday, it hit me that we might not be in the same homeroom anymore, which usually would make me worry.
But then I realized, all that stuff that scared me about high school was just sort of gone.
- Oh, Sue! - Yeah.
Just don't tell dad or Axl.
Of course.
It'll be just between us girls.
I mean, us women.
Oh, shh! We're gonna wake dad.
Doesn't sound like dad.
Then I remembered ignoring something Brick read to us in the car.
"Bears are most active around dawn and dusk.
"They're often attracted to improperly packed food, "but some studies suggest they may also be drawn to menstruating women.
" Wake up! - Wake up! - Frankie, what's going on? Sue's got her period, and there's a bear outside! - Mom! - Oh! What's with the screaming? - There's a bear, and Sue got her period! - What? Run.
Run.
Everybody get to the car.
Bear! Bear! My daughter's got her period! Everybody run! Run away! Really, Sue? Now?! I couldn't help it.
It's a girl with her period! There have been studies! Make way! Mom, you said you weren't gonna tell! Oh! Wait.
Where's Brick? Brick! I don't know.
He said something earlier - about going to look at the stars.
- Oh, God.
He's out there by himself, and it's my fault.
Why did I tell him not to read? Oh, no.
He's so little.
He's gonna be like an appetizer! I gotta go find him.
I'm right here.
Oh, Brick! Oh, you scared us! We thought you were out there looking at stars.
I was.
Jeez, Brick, you still don't get it, do ya? - I thought I explained-- - Mike, not the time! Oh, damn it.
The battery's dead.
Sorry, I was using the light to read.
I think it wants Sue! Just give her to the bear and let him marry her! It's not like she's gonna do any better! Oh! We're all gonna die! All right, everyone quiet! I'll handle this.
Hey! "Hey"? That won't even get the Glossners off our front lawn! Oh, God! Okay, everyone just hold on! I read bears don't like loud noises! We should all shout or sing! 99 bottles of beer on the wall 99 bottles of beer 99 bottles of beer take one down, pass it around 98 bottles of beer on the wall 98 bottles of beer on the wall Around 86 bottles of beer on the wall, the bear went away.
Turns out nobody likes that song.
Yep, there's a lot of different things you can bring back from a summer vacation-- A magnet, a t-shirt, a picture with all your heads through a funny cut-out.
But once in a while, you bring home something a lot more meaningful.
Like I said, Mrs.
Heck, camping.
I get it now.
I wonder how long it'll last.
Oh, Axl, one more question.
Are the water fountains twist or push, because-- Hey! I'll drive her.
Hey!