The Middle Episode Scripts

N/A - A Tough Pill To Swallow

1 [Crow caws] Frankie: Wind power, water power, coal power.
How great would it be if you could harness the power of a young man in love? Can't talk.
Going to see April.
I'm in love! Mm, you know, one good thing about being saddled with the worst dorm on campus You really appreciate the outside.
Keep spinning it, girlfriend.
Can you check my hair for mouse poop? Hey.
Is that Don't let the Morley Safer School of Journalism turn into the Home Depot School of Journalism! Oh, hi, hon.
Ah.
- You want to go say hi? - That's okay.
He doesn't know it, but I'm actually kind of protesting him right now.
Last night, he made the delivery guy take back the pizza because he didn't like where the cheese was sourced.
Professor Balio? Hi.
Sue Heck.
I just wanted to introduce myself on the first day of class.
College can be so impersonal.
[Chuckles] I just wanted to say I'm very excited to be here.
Or am I here? [Laughs] Philosophy joke.
I'm sorry.
Did you say Sue Heck? Are you sure you're in the right class? I-I don't see you on my list.
You know what? I would be shocked if you did.
No prob.
Happens all the time.
I get dropped from lists or people don't remember me or they think I'm someone else.
You'll see.
Sherpa's home.
[Sighs] All right.
Construction paper, thermos, electrical tape, washer fluid, dog treats, people treats.
Picked your medicine, and chicken sub, no pickles.
I know, they don't have the seeded bun anymore, so they gave it to you on wheat.
I am done.
My day is over.
Goodbye.
Uh, I wouldn't take that off just yet.
Tiny problem.
You brought me pills instead of my usual medicine.
Sadly, I cannot swallow pills.
Well, sadly, I will not be going back.
You're in high school now.
I'm not gonna get you a razor and the New York Review of Books and then buy you raspberry-flavored squirty medicine.
Look, I'm more than flexible.
I'd prefer the teddy bear shot glass, but I'm more than willing to accept the plain plastic syringe if it's slightly warmed in the microwave.
Sorry.
Pills are what we got.
If you want your ear infection to get better, you got to take a pill.
Remember how scared you were of Scotch tape? And now you can be in the same room with it.
Wow.
Are you seriously telling me that you're unwilling to go back out and get your son the medicine in the form that he requires? [Cellphone vibrates] Oh, damn! Not cool, bro.
Not cool.
So you fell asleep in one town and woke up in another.
It's not a problem, dude.
That's an awesome college story.
You know what else is an awesome college story? Me graduating college.
I said I was sorry, all right? Look, I had to see her.
We were together all summer.
Her eyes are the color of a lake, dude.
A lake! Would you just relax? I'm gonna get you to your first class.
Nothing happens in the first 15 minutes, anyway.
It's just when all the dorky kids introduce themselves to the professors.
So, I was introducing myself to my professors, and I think there's been a little mix-up.
See, none of them seem to have me on their rosters.
Well, let's see if we can't get to the bottom of this mystery, huh? Name? Sue Sue Heck.
Well, okay.
So, did you have a nice summer? Oh, my God.
It was a-ma-zing.
I worked at Dollywood.
Girl in the Well for 14 1/2 performances.
Well, that sounds like fun.
Huh.
I'll be darned.
What? It says you never signed up for any classes.
So, tell me.
Is that Dolly Parton as nice as they say she is? You know, she seems very down-to-earth.
Wait, what? No classes? But I signed up for them right when the lists went up 2:00 a.
m.
July 15th.
Oh! Fanny hold the phone! You're right.
You definitely did sign up for those classes.
- [Sighs] Phew! - [Chuckles] Yeah, but then they got dropped by the system for nonpayment of tuition.
You know, I think my cousin went to Dollywood once.
Or was it Nashville she went to? No, no, no, no, no.
Nonpayment of tuition? No, no.
I don't have to pay tuition.
I'm on financial aid.
Look it up.
You'll see.
I have financial aid.
Oh! There you go.
It says that your financial aid got rescinded because you failed to renew it.
Tuscaloosa.
No, no, no, no, no.
I didn't have to renew it.
I have the four-year package.
It came in this huge envelope.
We had to use six stamps to mail it back.
We were poor enough for four years.
Yeah.
But even though you got it for four years, you still got to renew it every year.
You know, we send out letters and you should have gotten an e-mail.
And there's the posters with Lou the Renew Raccoon.
See, that's not even a good mascot.
Raccoons are hardly examples of responsible behavior.
They're the bandits of the forest! [Chuckles] Okay.
Fine.
Now we know.
Let's just renew it then.
Let's just renew it right now.
[Chuckles] Oh, yeah.
Wouldn't that be great? But that deadline has passed.
But don't worry.
There's still one thing you can do to reinstate those dropped classes.
Okay, great.
Phew! Whatever it is, whatever it is, let's just do it right now.
You just need to write a check for the whole year's tuition.
[Pencil snaps] It's huge! It's a normal-sized pill.
Now, come on.
Ready? Go.
[Whimpers] [Crunches] [Groans] What's the matter with you? Did I tell you to chew it? You can't chew those.
You got to take them with water.
[Sighs] Come on.
You swallowed seven LEGOs that I know of.
It's no different than swallowing food.
Here, look.
See? Nothing to it.
Now, come on.
Let's get it done.
You made me waste an M&M.
Did I do it? [Sighs] Brick, people your age used to be blacksmiths.
They handled hot iron.
You can swallow a little pill.
They also died at 14.
Just like you're gonna do if you don't take the damn pill! Now, come on.
You're overthinking it.
Just relax.
Okay? Put the pill on your tongue and just let it sit there.
Now take a sip of water.
All right.
Now just hold it there.
Imagine that it's a river, and the pill is a little raft.
And you're just serenely floating do [Grunting] Swallow it, swallow it, swallow it, swallow it.
Ow! Br [Sighs] [Spits] [Door opens] Mom! Dad! Help! Sue! What's the matter? Are you okay? What's going on? [Stammering] Whoa, whoa.
Slow down.
Sentences, Sue.
Whole sentences.
East Indy kicked me out! I'm not in college anymore! Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Did you tell them you have it for four years? Did you mention the big envelope? Did you tell them how poor we are? Yes, yes, yes! I even showed them a picture of our family room I had saved on my phone, but it didn't help.
I made a mistake, and I missed the deadline, and I didn't renew it, and then it's all gone! It's all gone! What? No! They can't do that! Well, they did! Okay, hold on.
Calm down, everyone.
When was the deadline? March.
- March?! - March?! [Groans] I was so happy then.
And now I'll never see Lexie again, and I will never paint my face for a Dragons game, and I'll never put a couch on the lawn in the spring Not that I ever did that, but that's something I imagined myself doing! Wow, that's really bad.
You know, this probably isn't a good time for me to be swallowing a pill.
I don't want to add to the family stress.
Brick! [Sighs] How the hell did this happen? It's my fault.
It is all my fault.
I kind of remember getting an e-mail with a lot of words in it like "fiscal" and "pursuant to" and "subsidies"! Yeah, well, "pursuant to" the situation, we are screwed! Why didn't you send it to us? You said not to forward you so much stuff! Yeah, I was talking about the daily soup choices at the dining hall, not critical financial information! Well, I thought it was just for our records.
I didn't realize I had to do anything with it! "For our records"? You know we don't have any records! You want to see our records? Here! Here they are! You know, there is blood on your hands, too.
You're the parents.
You're supposed to know about this stuff.
It's not our responsibility, Sue! They sent this stuff to you because they assumed you were an adult! Well, that's where the mistake happened because I am not an adult! I still play checkers with Woofy Dog.
And I lose! See, Brick, this is why you got to learn to swallow a pill.
Everyone has to learn to grow the hell up right now! Calm down.
Losing it doesn't help anybody.
I think we just have to go up there, talk to the bursar, and straighten out this whole mess.
Your dad's right.
I mean, we'll go nuts on 'em if we have to.
We'll be the mayors of Crazytown.
Oh, and I know the hostess at Applebee's.
Her second cousin is a Congressman.
Don't think I won't play that card.
'Cause I will burn that place down.
Because we are strong and we are Americans, and they Yeah, you're staying home.
I think it's smarter if I go down there, calmly explain the situation.
So she missed the deadline.
There's got to be some kind of grace period.
Grace period! Yes.
Yes, yes! There will be a grace period, and grace will be bestowed upon me.
See, you know this because you're the dad and you know about grace periods and you can make it right.
Thank you, Daddy! Thank you so much! [Sobbing] [Metal clangs] What are you doing? Oh.
Hey, Axl.
Uh, Kenny and I were just doing a little safety check - on the 'Bago.
- Safety check? Weren't you the guy who said, "Brakes are for sissies"? Yeah, well, I just noticed this thing has really been acting up.
Like yesterday, it rudely drove itself to Orson again without telling anybody.
Well, maybe it had to go there because it has a girlfriend whose hair smells like lemons.
Lemons! Well, you know, I'm starting to think that this 'Bago is whipped.
[Gasps] Well, you know what I think? I think you are a selfish, little man.
You know what? I'm done with you.
That's it! Kenny and I are freezing you out.
Kenny, stop talking.
Oh, that is low.
Fine, I'm freezing you out, too.
You can't freeze me out.
I froze you out first.
Can't even hear you.
You're frozen out.
Freeze back in.
You suck.
Freeze out.
Freeze in.
You're a jerk! Freeze back out.
Freeze back in.
Maybe I'll find another place to live.
Freeze back out.
Freeze back in.
Maybe I don't even want to live with you.
Freeze back out.
Freeze back in.
Good.
Freeze out.
Secret bonus freeze in.
And your hair's not as great as you think it is.
- Freeze back out.
- Freeze in.
[Gasps] Freeze back out.
I got two hours to see April.
I'm not gonna waste it having a childish argument with you! [Sighs] Really, Sue? Ugh.
I'm sorry.
I mean, I sometimes look down when walk.
I-I don't want to trip, and also, I'm always looking for lucky pennies.
Well, if you find 20,000 bucks worth, let me know.
Wait, I got to poop again.
Oh, come on, Sue.
We already stopped twice.
I'm sorry.
I'm just nervous.
What if she says no? That's not gonna happen.
'Cause we're gonna get you back in school.
Now, look.
When we get in there, just as a warning, you may see me do some things you've never seen before.
Things I'm not proud of.
Hi! Ms.
Teegarden, is it? Teegarden.
That's a pretty name.
And who Oh! Who's the cute kitty? She's a little sweetie, isn't she? Mr.
Heck.
How can I help you? Well, first of all, let me thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule.
I know you've got a lot on your plate.
Okay, we have a little situation here.
My wife's a little upset with me.
See, our daughter forgot to fill out her financial aid package.
Just a small thing.
But now they're telling her that she won't be in school, and she really wants to go to school because school is important and Look who I'm talking to.
You're an educator.
I don't have to tell you that.
So, if you could just see your way clear to reinstate that aid, well, that'd go a long way to get me out of the old doghouse with the old wife.
Not that she's old.
She's kind of old.
Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.
I appreciate your plight, but unfortunately, there's nothing I can do.
Unless you'd like to pay the full tuition now.
Oh, well, I'd like to, but I'm afraid that's not really a possibility for us right now.
You want to see a picture of our family room? No, see, we're not asking for anything extra.
We only take as many ketchup packets as the drive-thru gives us.
We're We're just asking for what we already had.
See? There must be some kind of wiggle room here.
Mr.
Heck, I did not get to be East Indiana State's first woman bursar by fudging the rules.
F-First woman bursar, huh? Funny coincidence Sue here always kind of wanted to be a bursar! Oh! Oh, yeah.
Oh, growing up, I used to play bursar with my friends in the basement all the time.
Hoo-hoo.
Of course, I never withheld funds.
I was all about the allotting.
Look, the truth is, it's not up to me.
The state FAFSA deadlines are set by the Department of Education, and we have no control over them.
I'm afraid the matter is closed.
Ye What if it were your daughter? Here.
You be me aa-and I'll be you.
Real quick.
Let's change places.
I'm the bursar, and this is my picture.
"Hmm.
I sure understand your dilemma.
Hmm, let me think about that.
I'm gonna find a way.
" But you are not the bursar.
I am.
And the answer is no.
But if you were sitting in this position, I think you would see it.
You've come to me.
I'm the bursar.
This is my cat.
"I'm gonna help you 'cause what is a bursar besides someone who sees beyond the bounds of numbers.
" Okay, I'm gonna have to ask you not to touch my cat picture.
Look, my daughter made a mistake, and sometimes when you make a mistake, someone can step in a kind providence, a-a knight, a hero, a bursar and they can take an action that changes the course of human events! Now, what would that feel like? [Whispers] Dad, ask her about the grace period.
Okay.
So, what do we do now? What's our plan "B"? I don't know, Sue.
Well, there must be something.
[Gasps] Oh, wait! You never mentioned Mom's friend, the hostess at Applebee's.
Should we go back in? No.
We're done.
Well, can't we go over her head? Can't we just keep going over heads until we get to the head that says yes? Come on, Dad.
What's our next step? I don't have the next step! Don't you get it? You know, we wouldn't be in this mess if you paid just a little bit more attention.
I thought a summer in Dollywood would help you grow up, but I guess I was wrong.
Why are you yelling at me? You think I'm not upset? I'm the one who doesn't get to go to college.
[Sighs] Look, I'm sorry.
I'm just frustrated.
I'm the dad.
I'm supposed to know how to fix these things for you, and I just don't know how to fix this.
Hmm.
Mmm.
All right, blocking drills.
We're pairing up.
Heck, you're with Hutch.
Krewson, you're gonna be with Donovan.
Uh, excuse me, Coach? Can I hit with Madman instead? This isn't a dinner party.
This is football! You go where I tell you.
Now go! Get your helmets on! Here we go.
Look alive, people! Here we go! [Groans] Line up! [Sighs] Okay.
Watch the leg.
Oh, is that your scooterin' leg? Hey, I didn't even get to see April that day, so I hope you're happy, butthead! [Whistle blows] "Butthead"?! You're the butthead! You left me in the middle of Orson! And you tore up the 'Bago! I tore it up 'cause you're rude! You got no consideration for anybody but yourself! [Whistle blows] You're just jealous.
"Jealous"? Why would I be jealous? 'Cause I got a girl with lake eyes and you don't.
- [Whistle blows] - [Grunts] Dude, you just don't get it! You don't want to see me happy! Why do you hate love?! You think I hate love? I love love! I love seeing you in love.
It's beautiful, man! [Whistle blows] Then what's your problem? The problem is, you didn't return any of my texts this summer, and I had to hear that you were in love from Kenny.
It hurt, man.
It really hurt.
I'm sorry.
You know I have a hard time expressing my feelings.
- [Whistle blows] - [Grunts] It's just our senior year, and you're my best friend.
I feel like you just don't care! I care! I totally care! Well, then spend more time with me.
Hug a brother once in a while.
You want a hug? Then just say you want a hug! I want a hug! [Whistle blows] Heck! Hutchinson! I said break it up! You see that?! Look at these two! They're animals.
That's the kind of hate I want to see.
Look, if I'm gonna sneak out of work in the middle of the day, it better involve a margarita or a Cinnabon.
Not a sick kid who won't take a pill.
I told the nurse not to call you.
I'm fine.
Besides, with my hearing getting worse, all my other senses are getting stronger.
[Sniffs] You did have Cinnabon, didn't you? Okay, that's it.
This pill is going in you.
Right now, you still have a choice of which entrance.
[Sighs] Listen.
Sometimes you just got to do things you don't want to do.
That's called being an adult.
I mean, I don't get it.
It's the easiest thing in the world.
Why can't you do it? I don't know.
Why can't you parallel park? I can parallel park.
Not really.
You drive blocks out of your way just to avoid parallel parking, which seems like something an adult should be able to do.
[Sighs] Look.
My dad barked at me when I was learning to parallel park, and it was very tense, and it's something I never mastered, okay? I get it.
Just seems like something you should have gotten over by now.
Why can't you just do it? [Sighs] Okay.
Fine.
Fine.
You know what? I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna parallel park and you're gonna swallow that pill.
But Hey.
If I'm doing it, you're doing it.
Okay.
Bumper even at the front.
Now gently, gently turn.
Ooh.
Hey.
[Laughs] This is pretty good.
[Gags, coughs] Oh, crap.
Hey! I did it! I swallowed a pill! I am a man! Who cares? I dinged that guy's license plate.
Let's get out of here.
Uh, Mom, I think we just lost our side mirror.
Don't bark at me! I told you I wasn't good at this! I can't believe this is really happening.
That you're really leaving.
What are you gonna do now? I don't know.
Move back home.
Work at Spudsy's.
Cry a lot.
This can't be the end.
Did you try calling your lawyer? What about your parents' business manager? Oh, Lexie.
I'm gonna miss that.
[Computer chimes] Ugh.
Why is the school e-mailing me? Don't they know I don't go here anymore? Wait, what? Oh, my God.
No.
Wait, Lexie.
Can this be right? "Dear Sue Sue Heck, We are pleased to inform you Both: "that you have been reinstated as a student at East Indiana State for the current school year.
" [Both squeal] Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! I'm back in school! [Squeals] Oh, my God.
What do you think happened? I don't know.
Maybe they changed their minds.
Maybe because Dad and I were so earnest.
Because earnestness triumphs over red tape and bureaucracy every time.
Because you don't get to be the first woman bursar of a major university without having a heart! Well, whatever it was, you get to stay! Both: Yay! I love my life! I love my college! I love my room! [Air blowing] We got to get out of this dump! Mike, I just talked to Sue! You heard the good news? I heard.
What happened to your side mirror? Oh, who cares about that? Can you believe it? We were so worried, we didn't sleep all night, and then look what happened.
The nightmare is over.
We're back to our regular nightmare.
And I didn't even have to use my connection at Applebee's.
Yeah.
Looks like it all worked out.
Aren't you excited? Sue's back in school.
Although, I don't understand why the bursar people put us through so much hell when they knew they were just gonna give us the financial aid anyway.
[Sighs] They didn't give us financial aid.
What do you mean? They must have.
Then how is Sue back in school? I paid for it.
[Scoffs] With what? We have like $8 in checking.
We don't even have enough to buy more checks.
I sold my half of the diaper business.
What? What do you mean? How? This guy from the baby fair's been sniffing around for a long time trying to buy it from me.
He made a good offer, so I called Rusty and I took it.
[Sighs] But you worked so hard.
- You built that.
- [Chuckles] It's Sue.
Hmm.
[Sighs deeply] Well, we built one business.
- We can build another one.
- Hmm.
I mean, I have I have lots of great ideas.
Like Like remember crazy straws? Okay, what if you could have a straw that allowed you to drink from across the room? A Crazy-Crazy-Crazy Straw! - Mm.
- Ooh, ooh! How about a belt made of beef jerky? That would be so great for camping trips, right? Oh, and, um, yes A breakaway bra so when moms come home and they're tired from work, they could just right down in front of the TV.