The Middle Episode Scripts

Adult Swim

1 [Crow caws] Frankie: Ah, resort season when the umbrellas go up, the fresh towels go down, and the sparkling pool awaits.
[Frog croaks] Sorry, buddy.
See you next summer.
[Sniffs] Sue was gonna do a little cleaning up of her own, and at the top of her list - get rid of her brother.
- [TV shuts off] Axl, that's my robe.
[Groans] Fine.
Ew! No, don't take it off! Ugh! What are you doing here? I'm waiting for Lexie to get back from psychology class, and then we might go out or something.
Oh, that reminds me got to pick up a new lady razor, 'cause, you know, between my beard and your wire-brush leg hairs, it is trashed.
Look, I believe I was very cool about you dating my best friend, but I didn't know it'd mean that you'd be here all the time even when she is not here.
Um, our dad is not paying the rent.
Lexie's dad is.
So whatever Lexie wants, Lexie gets.
And Lexie wants all this, and Lexie's dad wants me to have your chips.
I can't take it anymore! I am sick of you! Oh, my God.
Sue, back in the old days, they used to live with their siblings and their grandparents and multiple generations.
You should embrace this.
And truth is, as the eldest son, I could have married you off to some old geezer for a couple of goats, and this place would be mine.
You should be thanking me for letting you stay.
What's your point? Give me your Netflix password.
Ohh! That's it! [Groans] No more! I'm out of here.
[Scoffs] And put that drink on a coaster! [TV plays indistinctly] What the Axl? Seriously, I need your Netflix password.
How did you get here so fast? I don't drive like a grandma.
That's not my fault.
Aunt Edie's car doesn't turn left anymore.
Since you're both here, I believe you've noticed we now own a microfiche machine.
Now, there is a sign-in clipboard to reserve times.
I just ask that everyone respects the schedule in order that we all get a chance to enjoy it.
And please, no food or drink near the machine.
The only reason we're both here is because Axl decided to follow me home to torture me.
Uh, actually, not about you.
Got a speed-interviewing event at the Orson Cozy Suites and Conference Center.
I've heard of speed reading, but not speed interviewing.
It's where I'll chat with a bunch of employers for, like, two minutes each, and then they'll all fight over who gets to hire me.
Hey! Everybody picked the perfect weekend to come home.
Pool's ready.
It's warm, pH level's good, it's a shimmering blue, got all the animals out.
You're all good to go.
- Okay.
Thanks.
- Yeah, thanks.
- Cool.
Yep.
Anytime you want to get in.
- Can't wait.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
All right.
Pbbbbbht.
Pool's open.
- All right.
- [Yawns] Pool's open.
Ooh! You clean up nice! Are you nervous? 'Cause you shouldn't be nervous.
Nah, I got this.
I have two interesting facts about myself, a pertinent question for each company, and, if there's time, a pithy comment on the world at large.
"Crazy times, huh?" Uh-huh.
Do you need to practice? Okay, I'm gonna pretend to be an employer.
Hi.
I'm Mom from Mom Co.
Nice to meet you.
Tell me a little about yourself.
I'm not really interested in working for Mom Co.
Been with the company over 20 years.
It's time to move on.
See, that's not a good attitude, and employers pick up on that.
I'm just saying you have a tendency to close up your body and cross your arms.
Listen, I read an article about a pit boss in Las Vegas who said you can learn everything about a person just by reading their body language, and right now you are exhibiting off-putting body language.
Well, that's what I'm going for, because I am put off.
What you want to do is just put your shoulders back and keep your head up.
That signals confidence.
- Mom.
- And keep the hair out of your eyes.
Just soften your face.
Mom! Okay, okay.
You're gonna do great.
Go get 'em.
[Groans] - Wait! - Mom! Your jacket Why is it only faded in this one spot? What? What? What? Oh, shoot! God, the curtains broke in the Winnebago, so I stapled the jacket up to block out the sun.
So you used your suit? Relax.
It's fine.
I'll just I won't turn around.
No T-This is too important.
You've got to look sharp.
I have an idea.
Maybe if we roll up the sleeves.
Oh, my God.
I am not wearing my daddy's jacket! I'll end up working at Mom Co.
forever.
Well, Brick's suit jacket is your old jacket.
Maybe you can still fit into that.
What Really, Mom?! I can't even raise my arms to shake someone's hand.
Oh, wait I think I have an old jacket that might work.
It's very mannish.
Not as mannish as I remembered.
You know, I should wear that again.
It's cute.
Pool's open.
Pbbbht.
So, with a little medical tape and a couple of safety pins, Axl was ready to knock 'em dead.
I'm Axl Heck.
[Laughs] [Grunts] - [Ding] - [Laughs] Yes, I have a résumé right here.
[Laughs] No.
- Are those funeral programs? - Yeah.
A lot of friends and family have died, so I just want to work, work, work - to avoid the pain.
[Laughs] - [Ding] It's always been a dream of mine to work at a global seed company.
We don't sell seeds.
We sell mattresses.
Oh.
[Laughs] Right, right, right, right, right, right, right.
But you have to grow the cotton with seeds to make the mattresses, and Ow! [Groans, chuckles] - Safety pin.
- [Ding] Sorry forgot something.
My greatest flaw is that I'm a perfectionist.
[Ding] Yes, your overall growth is flat, but I think you have to look at the macro picture, which I find very promising.
I'm sorry our time went so fast.
Here, let me give you my card.
Oh.
Get off your phone.
And I never thought I'd have to say this Get off the microfiche.
Look, it's beautiful out there, and you guys spent the whole day looking at screens.
I busted my butt on that pool.
I even got the good kind of chlorine that doesn't cause rashes and nobody went in.
That's it.
I'm getting rid of the pool.
- No! - What?! It costs money, with all the water and the chemicals, and frankly, I'm tired of mowing around it.
But we love the pool.
Yeah, I would get in right now, but it's about to be dark, and that teen who shoplifted from Quiksilver is still on the loose.
Look, all I know is, last time anybody's been in that pool was two summers ago.
- We'll go in tomorrow.
We promise.
- Mm-hmm.
[Door slams] Hey! That's my good funeral jacket.
What's going on? How did it go? It sucked! That stupid jacket ruined my confidence, and that's the one thing I have totally unearned confidence.
And no wonder it's your funeral jacket.
I died in it, like, 30 times.
Oh, I'm sure it wasn't that bad.
Blood was dripping down my hand! - Oh, yeah, that's bad.
- [Sighs] Sounds like you could use a swim.
A swim?! My God! I'm about to graduate, and I got no job! This is not supposed to happen to me.
I'm Axl Heck.
I'm a winner.
[Panting] Or, at least, I was.
Hey, Woolworth's is looking for a Christian soda jerk.
You think he'd like that? Hey, hey, hey! It's a beautiful day! Why aren't you in the pool? I don't want to go in the pool.
Why aren't you in the pool? 'Cause I don't want to go in the pool.
I'm 20, okay? You're young.
You should be frolicking.
I frolicked once when I was 8.
Didn't care for it.
[Car door closes] Oh, crap! Too late.
He's home.
Hey! What are you doing?! We have to look like we've been in the pool! - Now do me! - Oh, my God! - [Grunting] - Aah! [Gasps] - Whoa! [Spits] - Okay, okay! [Spits] [Door opens, closes] Hey, Dad! Hey.
Yeah, yeah.
[Laughs] We were just in the pool.
It was fun.
Really? Where are your bathing suits? We dried them in the dryer.
And then we put them away in the d-drawer.
How long were you in there? - Hours.
- Hours.
Hours.
Yep.
[Laughs] Oh, we were all pruned up, we were in there for so long.
Remember how much fun we had, Brick? - I said "Marco," he said "Polo," - Mm-hmm.
And so on and so forth and what have you.
Did you find the quarters at the bottom that I threw in there for you to dive down and get? - Absolutely.
- We did.
That's funny, 'cause I didn't put any quarters at the bottom.
You're busted.
Use it or lose it.
[Mid-tempo music plays] - [Knock on door] - Frankie: Knock, knock.
I brought you my nightstand cookies.
Oh, I'm sorry about the whole jacket fiasco, but, hey, it's all just fodder for your TED Talk.
The only TED Talk I'll be giving will be to another guy in the gutter named Ted.
- [Inhales sharply] - Well I might have something to make you feel better.
Look, I know you're heading out into the world, and you need to look professional, so I'm gonna buy you a suit.
Hmm.
We gonna hit a garage sale? Nope.
We're going to a real suit store.
I am taking you to The Suit Plantation.
Mm-hmm.
It's in a mini-mall on Route 37 next door to the gas station with the good hot dogs.
Wait, wait, wait.
Does that include pants? Yes, but you have to keep them on.
And we might have to take one selfie.
All right.
Just no arms around each other.
Let's just see how we feel when we get there.
He H-H-Hey! Where do you think you're going? I'm going to read.
Mm, no.
I think you're getting in the pool.
It's all good I checked the pool for quarters, and I wet down the towels.
- We're covered for today.
- Mnh-mnh! Brick, Dad said, "Use it or lose it," so you better get out there and use that pool.
You know, maybe we should lose it, since neither of us seem to want to use it.
Don't say that! We have had that pool forever.
It's like the fifth family member.
I'm the fifth family member.
[Scoffs] Don't you get it, Brick? This is about more than the pool.
They are trying to turn this into an adult house.
What do you mean? I mean, we're getting older, and Mom and Dad are smelling the barn on parenting and looking to phase us out.
Our yearbooks, inspirational posters, "Planet Nowhere" books you think they're gonna keep all that? No.
They wouldn't do that.
Wouldn't they? The other day, I heard Mom complain about the chipped bowls.
She wanted to get all new ones, and then Dad said, and I quote, "Wait till the kids are gone.
" I love our chipped bowls.
Well, you can kiss 'em goodbye.
Don't actually kiss them.
You'll cut your lips.
But this is how it starts You leave to go to college, and you come back, and poof all the jigsaw puzzles are gone.
But it isn't Christmas without saying that we're gonna do the jigsaw puzzle and then not doing it.
It happens, Brick.
Remember Grandma's doll room? That used to be Aunt Janet's room.
- [Gasps] - That's right.
Before you know it, your room becomes Dad's TV room, and my room becomes Mom's TV room, and then we're all married with kids, but do we have rooms to cram our families into? No! We have to stay at the Ramada Inn because our rooms are filled with recliner chairs and hand weights.
This isn't about nostalgia anymore, Brick.
This is about our very survival.
They can't wait to get rid of us.
Well, they've never been big fans.
Look, Sue, you're overreacting.
Maybe you need to cool off.
Perhaps a dip in the pool would do the trick.
What are you doing? Nothing.
Well, we're just so proud.
He's graduating from East Indiana State in May.
Terrible football team.
They stink.
Well, they didn't play the right people.
Anyway, he's going into the world with a B.
S.
in business.
[Laughs] Pretty great, huh? It's so hard to get a job nowadays.
I'm glad I'm almost dead.
[Gasps] Oh! You look so handsome! Ohh! How does it feel? Good? Do you like it? Yeah, it feels good.
I like it.
Okay, but do you love it? Hmm? Got to love it.
[Breathes deeply] Uh, Mom.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Got carried away.
It's just that you look so grown up, and you never let me touch you anymore.
[Laughs] Okay.
Um I like the suit, but I was thinking something darker might bring out my eyes.
He'd like to see it in something darker! I couldn't believe my little boy was graduating college.
Wow.
Seems like only yesterday I dreaded taking him shopping.
Axl, honey, you have to wear pants! You can't go without pants forever, you know! That's it! I'm not buying you something I've never seen on you.
I'm coming in.
Oops! Sorry, sir! I didn't see anything.
Axl! Come out of there this minute! Ooh! This is cute! So, while I was trying to keep it together, Brick was doing whatever it took to keep his pool.
- Brick, can I get out now? - Nope.
My dad hasn't come home to see us enjoying the pool yet.
Well.
What's this? Got a little pool party going on here? Ah, Dad.
Great.
As you can see, we are indeed enjoying the pool.
[Hushed] Frolic.
Yay.
[Normal voice] Yep, we're all having a great time.
Please don't say how I'm feeling.
You know how I hate that.
Mike: You know, the way I see it, there's still something missing from that pool you.
I would love to be in there, but I feel a poop coming on.
Playing it safe.
Stop! No, you stop.
I don't get it.
Why do you care so much about something that you ignore most of the time? Well, by that theory, what are you still doing with Mom? I love this suit on you.
And it loves being on me.
[Chuckles] You needed a good suit.
Now you have something to wear to interviews maybe even on a date.
I know people don't wear suits on dates anymore, but maybe if you go to a play or something.
People still go to plays.
I mean, I don't.
Your dad's glued to the couch.
But when girls see you in this suit, they are gonna be all over you.
[Chuckles] Well, I don't really know about that, but now that you brought it up, I have actually kind of been seeing someone.
Lexie.
Oh! Oh.
Okay.
Really? Oh.
Lexie.
Well, she's nice.
That's great.
Wow.
Okay.
[Laughs] I don't know I kind of thought you'd be all like, um, "You just broke up with April.
It's too soon.
Use your brain.
" What? No.
Pfft.
That doesn't sound like me.
Well, anyway, you know, it's a little too early in the whole thing, but we definitely like each other, so gonna take this one slow.
[Chuckles] Well, that's totes cool.
Thanks for filling me in on the haps.
Wow! Suit shopping and my son confiding on me on his own! If I could get him to go for one of those good hot dogs from the gas station next door, this would be the perfect day.
Oh, before you take the suit off, maybe you should check the pocket make sure your wallet fits.
Oh, I don't carry a wallet.
Don't say it.
Don't say it.
Don't ruin the moment.
He's a grown-up.
He can do what he wants.
Really, Axl? Are you kidding me? You don't carry a wallet? That is so dumb! Where are you putting your money? I said it.
I put it in my sock.
If I'm not wearing socks, I put it in my shoe, and if I'm wearing flip-flops, roll it up, tuck it behind my ear, where my illustrious hair holds it in place.
Are you kidding me?! Okay, you might be taking job interviews, but you are acting like some surfing ho daddy in Hawaii.
You're an adult.
You got to be better with your money.
Oh, my God.
Here we go! I'm good with money.
That's hilarious.
You're gonna be getting a paycheck.
You need a new bank account with checks and registers All right, all right, I got it.
No! You don't got it! You have to keep up with how much money you have in your account, you need cash when you leave the house.
These are the things that separate a true adult from a man-child.
Wow.
And I let you touch me and everything.
[Sighs] Kids.
No one tells you how they're gonna wreck your life.
- [Sighs] - Cash or credit? Ugh.
Credit.
[Beep] Wow.
That's the fastest decline I ever got.
What? It's declined? That can't be right.
Can you try again? We have better luck with second swipes.
[Beep] Nope.
[Sighs] Okay, listen, I just came down pretty hard on my son for being irresponsible with money, so this isn't an ideal time for this to be happening.
Maybe you and I can work something out, like you let me have the suit and I'll pay you next mth.
Why would I agree to that? You're obviously bad with money.
Fine.
[Sighs] Maybe I have enough cash.
[Laughs] Let's see We got twenty three Ooh! Look! I got a free water bottle from the gym.
That's worth, what, like 10 bucks? - Ma'am.
- Ooh! Hah! A 20% off at the Orson Escape Room.
We did that as a family.
So fun.
Ma'am.
How about change? You take change, right? I've got tons of change.
[Gasps] A marble.
I've heard of vintage marbles going for $5,000, so I think we're there.
Axl: You take debit cards? [Gasps] Yeah.
Wait, wait.
No, you can't do that.
You don't have any money.
Actually, I do.
You know, they gave us football meal stipends, and I didn't always eat just kind of socked it away.
Plus, I made a lot of money selling grilled cheese, so, I don't know, I've just been saving up.
Feels like a good idea to have a safety net.
Ohh! I am gonna pay you back every cent.
And I'm gonna pay for the hot dogs that we're gonna get next door.
[Beep] I just don't want this day to end.
Oh, good.
[Chuckles] - Ta-da! - [Gasps] Wow! Look at you! [Chuckles] Hey, look at this even got room for this guy.
Nice.
Well, get ready to be exhausted and miserable, 'cause you are so getting a job now.
- Yeah! - [Chuckles] Um yeah.
Here's the thing, Mom.
Uh [Inhales sharply] [Groans] This whole time, I was kind of blaming the suit, but I think the problem might have been me.
What? Yeah.
I don't know.
I think I just got kind of overwhelmed in there and kind of froze.
I mean, it's a lot.
Graduation's coming up, all my friends are getting jobs, and I'm just starting to think it might not happen for me.
And why should it? I know nothing.
Four years, I've been studying business.
I literally have no idea what it is.
Axl, let me tell you something Now, I know this is gonna go against everything you know about me, but I am not a terrible dental assistant.
I actually know what I'm doing now.
But in the beginning, I was so overwhelmed.
I would try to pass the instruments, and all I would hear Dr.
Goodwin say is, [As Goodwin] "No, not that one that one!" [Normal voice] And all I hear the patients say is, "Ow! That's my tongue!" Okay, but, like, so, I find someone who's willing to hire me, then I show up on my first day, and how will I know what I'm supposed to do?! Oh, you won't.
But eventually, you'll figure it out.
And then you'll have kids, and you'll be out-of-your-mind scared all over again.
You know, it's funny, 'cause when you're young, you're never scared, but when you become an adult, you're scared all the time.
I think that's how you know you're an adult even more than carrying a wallet.
[Inhales deeply] Ohh! - [Chuckles] - [Squeals] Mom.
Mom! Not on the suit.
Sorry.
[Whirring] Dad! Dad! W-W-W-Wait! Dad! Stop! No, no, no, no! Wait! Look! I was just going in for a swim! Me too! Sorry, pallies.
I gave you plenty of chances, I warned you over and over again, and now it's done it's over.
Wait! No, no, no, no, no! No, look! Look! We're using the pool! Brick, swim under my leg! Yeah! And let's wet our hair and play Beauty Parlor! - Oh, yeah, yeah! - Wow! That ship has sailed.
Sorry.
- Marco! - Polo! Please don't erase our childhood! We love our chipped bowls! And I love my room! I don't want it to be a room that Mom thinks she can do projects in and then just end up drying sweaters! See? Wha Whoa! We love this! - Yeah! Whoo! - Whee! Look how much fun we're having! [Whirring stops] Are you guys serious about this? You gonna keep on using this pool? Uh-huh! 'Cause I don't want a repeat of the badminton net.
That thing was up 10 years never used, had to mow around it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're gonna have to drag me out of it.
My new home address is this pool! Me too although I might not be in here during peak sun hours, 'cause Cindy likes me pale.
Riley: Hey, Brick and lady and your guy's dad! There's water all over your front yard! It's going into the street! Whoa! Is that a pool?! Whoa! You lucky ducks! You're so lucky to have your own pool in your own yard! I wish we had a pool.
I'd give anything in the whole world to have a pool! Go ask your mom if you can have a pool.
Really?! Really.
[Cheering] Axl wasn't the only one growing up.
Sue and Brick were, too.
It's hard to let go of your childhood, but there's a certain peace that comes from knowing someone else is gonna love your pool as much as you did.
- Watch me, Mommy! - Watch me! - No, watch me! - No, watch me! - Watch me! - Lucas: Marco! Riley: No, I'm Marco! Gracie: I want a full-size Popsicle! No, I want a I just wish they could love it a little bit quieter.
So what exactly were you measuring my room for? Hey, you know the rules no talking at dinner.