The Office (UK) Episode Scripts

N/A - Party

He's sort of - It's ten to ten.
I can't speak Here he is.
- Hiya.
Nice jacket.
- Whatever.
Looks like mine.
- What make's yours? Armani.
- Expensive.
And yours? - Sergio Georgini.
New shoes as well.
Quite a heel on them.
We still on for ten? - Yup.
If there's one other person who's influenced me in that way of thinking - someone who's a maverick, who does that to the system - it's lan Botham.
Beefy will happily say, 'That's what I think of your selection policy.
'Yes, I've hit the odd copper, enjoyed the odd doobie.
Yeah.
Just categorising.
Not in any sort of like 'label me' But just, 'That's your vibe.
That's your vibe.
' What's in here, then? I've always wanted one of these actually.
Cheers, guys.
Let's try it on.
See if it fits.
You should try it on properly in case you have to take it back.
Try it on without that stuff underneath.
Happy birthday.
Oh, my God! It's disgusting.
- Even I'm shocked.
You dirty mare! Does it work? - One size fits all.
Sorry.
Can I just? Look at the face.
Gareth, look at the face.
I'm not touching that.
- Why? Look.
In the factory.
- Your amazing mind again.
In my experience, women who work in factories are slappers.
Thank you for my lovely presents.
They're malleable and that's what I like, really.
I don't like people saying, 'We do it this way.
' I just want to go, 'Do it this way if you like.
If you don't ' Guilty.
Unorthodox.
Sue me.
- It is.
But nothing ever changes by staying the same.
Quite literally.
Hi, guys.
- Hello.
You like that.
Is that because it looks like yours? Yeah.
It's identical.
Mine's not that size - it's very tiny - but it is made of plastic.
Mine's massive and it ain't made of plastic.
I dare you to put it in Brent's office.
Why? - As a dare.
He's having a meeting with Neil.
- That's the challenge.
Why would I do it? - It would make me laugh.
Come in.
Sorry to interrupt.
I just wondered if Come on, Tim.
Get it back.
- Too many late nights.
Sorry.
It's totally gone.
I'm holding your folder.
Sorry.
It's gone.
BSE.
No more beef.
Would you mind taking them? - Not at all.
There's not a lot to see.
- Everyone should know everyone else.
That was brilliant.
Did you see it went under the folder? Three?! - Three?! Hi.
- New shoes.
Fashion.
- Do you want a game? Yeah.
'Up to the oche.
Let Tu-oni look after you.
' 'Two in a bed.
' How old would you say I was? - Most people think I look 30.
Definitely not.
- You calling them liars? What do you think? - Well, between 30 and 40.
OK.
We're about to enter a warehouse environment.
Some of the people here will be working-class.
There may be arse-cleavage, so Find a partner.
Hold hands.
Don't talk to anyone.
Are you cheering? OK.
Let's go.
Here's the hub of the operation.
Working hard as usual.
All right? - The stripper's arrived.
OK.
You get five minutes, but no touching.
- I always knew you were bent.
She'll get 'em out for a tenner.
- Fuck off.
What? - Lend us a tenner! You won't see them tonight.
- It's OK.
I've got cable.
OK.
I'll show you this aisle first.
Bender! No! Get lost, you cheeky bastard.
No! David.
This is Ray and Jude.
Ray and Jude Sorry.
Forgotten where you're from.
Cooper & Webb - consultants.
- Who's Cooper and who's Webb? No.
Anyway First things first.
Any more mail? Mr D.
Brent.
That's me.
Come through.
Must just Shoot.
Are you aware of what we do? - No.
Basically, we organise training days for corporations and individuals who pay to get an advantage in business.
But it's not just boring facts.
We train them how to walk into a room and say, 'You're doing business with me.
' I'll stop you there.
I don't need anything like that.
I do my own training.
Sorry.
No We're not trying to get your business.
We'd like you to be one of our experts.
Good choice.
Why did you dudes swing by here in the first place? We'd heard good things about it.
We got your name from Andy Hitchcock.
Oh, God.
Cockle.
Cocky.
The Big Cock.
Next time you see him, ask him if he got the grass stains out - not in front of his wife.
What sort of tip would you want me on? We're looking for people who are dynamic, good communicators.
People who can communicate with young people - 20-somethings.
You don't see heels like those much.
- You can still find them.
What sort of bunce is it? - Sorry? Bunsen burner - nice little earner.
Hence the Bunce.
To start we'd put you on about £300.
£300 for an hour's work? - You'd only talk for 15 minutes.
15 minutes! That's That's £1,200 an hour pro rata.
That's the sort of fee I'd be looking at.
Yeah.
When would you want to do it? - Soon.
We could make some dates now.
- Absolutement.
What's that? It's a dildo.
- Is it yours? No! - No.
I don't know Sorry.
This is an example of problems.
Let's have a look.
She says it's not hers and I believe her, so whose is it? Right.
What's it doing in there? It's a birthday present, but I don't know what it's doing in there.
OK.
Good harmless fun.
Many happy returns, but what have we learnt from this? Not to leave your dildo lying around? - Don't let it out of your sight.
Oh.
What's that? Just Sorry.
How do you? Oh, it's worse.
What do you do when that happens? Can you make sure that gets back to? Can we put some dates in? - Sure.
We're in the middle of something.
You've got to smuggle this about your person.
I'm not saying anything about - If you want bravery, I'll do a dare.
Bravery? - OK.
I'm going to write things for you to say.
Come here.
Then I'll phone David and I want you to say them.
No.
You'll make me sound like a bender.
- I swear I won't.
No way.
- It'll just be funny things.
Hello? - It's Gareth.
All right.
You're doing a great job.
- OK.
No.
I like your little beard.
What? You should wear tighter trousers.
Can I call you back? - Yeah.
Bye.
That was genius! Genius.
Genius.
Brilliant.
Our website has profiles of our speakers.
Can you answer a few questions? Go for it.
- OK.
'If you could have lunch with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?' Martin Luther King and the Dalai Lama and Rory Bremner.
Those two could get a bit heavy, and he'd lighten things up.
Do impressions of them and me! 'What's your biggest disappointment?' Alton Towers.
- Oh.
I've never been.
- It's rubbish.
Next.
Hello.
- Hiya.
Still doing your practical jokes? - Yeah.
I'm trying to do some work now.
I've got some.
- Have you? Yeah.
- What you got? I used to do loads What were they? We can think of some.
Absolutely.
- Some new ones.
Some good ones.
- For? What about Gareth? It's time he had some tricks played on him.
What would your motto be? Some bosses are intimidated by training their staff up too well.
I don't mind it.
I actually like my staff to be better than me.
That keeps me on my toes.
So my motto would be Be careful because there's always somebody ready to step into your shoes and do your job better than you do it.
Heh heh.
I'm gluing the phone.
In the name of fun.
- He will hate you.
What's in it? - What's this? It's a little birthday bash for Trudy.
- Who organised this? I did.
Bit over the top.
How much did that cost? - I made it myself.
Made it yourself? - Every year he does.
Bit sweet.
Too rich.
That's really nice.
- His lemon drizzle cake's even better.
I prefer a flan.
Whoo! It's a pleasure to watch you.
She's a prude.
No, she's not.
- She is.
Really? - She's very Not 40? - It's true.
Every time that does happen Are you in a meeting? I've just had an interesting meeting.
Those two are business people.
They've got a business and they arrange management training seminars where they get expert speakers - John Harvey-Jones type figures.
They've asked me.
So Yeah.
but I'm an all-round entertainer, so See those two business people under there? Is that you? - Yeah.
Could have had my eye out.
Hello.
Gareth Keenan.
- Cock! Thank you! Oh, glorious! Did you see that? He still picked it up.
Was that you? - We glued it.
Was that superglue? Oh, my God.
- Yes.
It wouldn't take much time.
I appreciate your interest, but I'm just so busy.
What are we talking about? - We want to involve this chap.
You could have asked me.
It's a bit rude.
- We'd use both of you I can do both.
- I can't anyway.
Can I have your card anyway? - No point.
We might be able to persuade you.
- If he goes back on it, he's weak.
We ought to be going.
- Yeah.
Leave as agreed.
We'll be in touch.
- Nice to meet you.
Bye.
You're definitely not doing it? I thought you were trying to worm your way in.
I'm not interested.
- Why? Beneath you, is it? No.
I don't think you can teach people that sort of thing.
Depends who the guru is.
- Beware of false prophets! That's my point.
It's not all about profits.
I meant prophets - I meant, I meant.
If only, if only.
If only me auntie had bollocks, she'd be me uncle.
Every time in one.
OK.
Top Trumps.
Pop stars.
- Pop stars? Do you know how to play? - Yeah.
I don't talk about my love life for a very good reason - I don't have one.
Which is good news for the ladies.
I am still available.
I'm a heck of a catch.
I mean, I live in Slough, in a lovely house with my parents.
I have my own room, which I've had since I was born.
That's seen a lot of action.
Mainly dusting.
I went to university for a year before I dropped out, so I'm a quitter.
So, yeah, form an orderly queue, ladies.
Look at him.
I've been on safari and I've never seen anything like that.
I've got 94.
I have got 94! I do.
Well, I've been known to do that.
Are you complaining? - No.
Number of haircuts.
Is that a valid thing? Are you getting mullered? Not really.
- You've spilt some on your I know.
Shall we carry on with the game? - I wish you would.
Can I have? Stop that.
If anyone wants to pay me that for 15 minutes work, they can Chris Finch.
Finchy! All right? Go on.
What's the difference between a fox and a dog? About eight pints of lager! It's party time here.
You coming in? Why not? - I'm already here, you fat twat! Neil, my good friend, Chris Finch.
- I know Chris.
Nicks all my jokes.
I do not.
I borrow them.
Has that Lisa moved up here? No.
She's looking for a job.
If it's a blow job, I'll help.
- She's not desperate.
I'll take her up the dole office! - Dole orifice! Rubbish.
- I've got a vacancy she can fill! That's better.
His work.
Don't try and What are you like? - Another one.
Once a year, kid.
Cheers, cheers.
If you like Top Trumps, you should come to me.
I've got five sets.
Don't try to beat me at Monster Trucks though.
It's a game of chance.
- It's not.
I'd know which cards you'd got by what I'd got.
I used to play it by myself with a dummy hand, testing out which cards beat which other cards, for hours sometimes.
Three or four hours at a time, but the rewards are obvious.
I know exactly which cards you've got from what I've got, so I would know exactly what feature to pick on my card to defeat any card that you could have in your hand.
You will never win.
It'd still be fun, though.
Do you know what they're paying me? - No.
Right.
15 minutes work, 300 quid.
£1,200 an hour - You do the math.
Yeah.
It'd be £1,200 an hour.
- That's the Can I have a birthday kiss? - You certainly can.
No tongues.
- Oh.
Oh That's good, isn't it? Didn't ask me out of respect.
Knows I'd say no.
Didn't cross a boundary and that's Good girl.
Go on.
I do it from behind if I don't like their face.
Cheeky bastard! You like my face? - I love your face.
You're beautiful.
You can still do me from behind.
- Ooh! I'll do you from behind if it's a quick in and out, no strings attached.
That's really sweet.
Why don't you put that in an email to me? All right.
'RED WINE' BY UB40 ) Birthday girl.
Hello.
- Hello.
You all right? - Mmm.
Great.
I'm just going to have a quick word.
I know it's your birthday and you're flirting with everyone.
I know you wouldn't take it further - I would! Why not? It's all equal.
- I'm just having a laugh.
I don't know what you're after.
- A man! Hung like a shire horse! Aren't they big magnificent animals? You say what you mean, don't you? - Mmm.
I'm just not sure you're going to find it in here.
I'd ask you, but you're a bit old.
- In my 30s.
Born in the '30s! I'm 30-something.
I'm 30s.
- But you've let yourself go a bit.
Me? How about you? You're an embarrassment, love.
Bull rags? - What? I thought you said bull rags.
- No.
Raw eggs.
If you keep eating raw eggs, it makes you randy, but it allows you to do as many reps as you want.
How's the old car business? - All right.
Who's this? - The Corrs.
They've done some good tunes.
- Didn't write that, though.
Who did? - Don't you know? No.
- Not into pop music? I prefer R&B.
So who wrote that? - Fleetwood Mac.
I prefer their version.
I know who I'd rather wake up with! - Sexist.
They can play my instrument! - You wouldn't pull the Corrs like that.
Like you know! - Why are you laughing? I'm a dark horse.
Like you could get anyone like the Corrs! - Just 'cause I don't kiss and tell You don't kiss, there's nothing to tell.
- He'd end up with the brother! No.
I'd push the brother out of the room, bend them all over, do the drummer, the lead singer, and that one who plays violin.
See? Your fault.
Putting filth in people's minds.
My knees hurt.
- Nearly done.