The Office (UK) Episode Scripts

N/A - Christmas special (Part I)

They filmed hours of material and most of it is a good bloke doing a good job of work, and the one time I accidentally headbutt an interviewee makes it to the programme, you're gonna look a prat.
You headbutt a girl on telly and you're labelled a prat, and that's the game.
The BBC must have taken about eight hours' footage a day.
They got it back and most of it was, ''Look, here's a good guy.
''He's their friend as well as their boss.
''He's a motivator, an entertainer.
''It's good stuff.
Oh, he's made one mistake.
Shall we cut that out? ''No! What? Put that bit in.
Cut the other stuff out.
''We want a scapegoat.
We wanna dumb down.
We want the biggest plonker of the year.
'' You know.
I'm not a plonker.
(KNOCKS ONCE) - Yes? - Gareth, it's the stuff for Milson's.
- Remember I'm going early tonight.
- Hmm? - I'm going early.
- I said it was all right, did I? Yes, you did, Gareth.
- Yep, there it is.
- Good.
I'm so pleased.
Gareth, are these the keys to your office? (GARETH SHOUTS) Oliver! He's locked me in again! Oliver! (PHONE RINGS) - Hello? - Unlock it now.
It's not funny.
- What if there was a fire? - Who is this? - Who do you think? Father Christmas? - Don't believe in you.
Mel, if Gareth rings Don't pick it up.
Hello? Yeah.
What did he say? Does he want you Listen Can I have those keys? He wants me to let him out.
- It's gonna be a bit of fun.
- But he's asked me and I just I'll just open it.
There's not really a problem.
Here we are.
Caught me in me local fruit-and-veg emporium.
- Do you come here a lot? - Big time.
You need to stay healthy when you're on the road.
Although the only fruit I like is the bananas.
Yeah, and we all know what you do with them! Shove 'em up me ar Gay.
I'm not.
He knows I'm not.
He thinks we're mad.
- All right? - Do I know you? We're just doing a follow-up.
- To what? - To the documentary that went out.
- You were in a documentary? - Yeah.
- What was it? - Come on! - Are you that fat one from ''The Airport''? - Obviously not.
Wernham Hogg.
- Wernham Hogg? What was it about? - Following me around at work.
- Not ''The Airport''? - No.
- I don't recognise you.
- You do.
You're on the right lines.
- Are you famous? - Penny's dropped! - Can I have your autograph? You got a pen? - I got a pen.
- What's your name? - David.
- From one David to another.
- Is your name David? Oh, for f Yes! He knows who I am.
- Does that happen a lot? - Getting recognised? Yeah.
Usually they know specifically who I am.
He recognised me.
He'll kick himself later.
Is it ever a problem? You get the odd person who doesn't appreciate what you're doing.
- Shouts silly things, but - What sort of things? ''You beardy twat.
'' ''Pug-nosed gimp.
'' ''Lard boy.
'' And I go, ''Yeah? What have you ever done on telly? Nothing.
So don't'' ''Absolutely Flabulous.
'' Ooh! Hello! Um Right.
I've got a meeting with Ray Howells, the building manager here at the Park Conference Centre.
- Are you a door-to-door salesman? - No! I don't go cold-calling, trying to sell people clothes pegs and dusters.
I do sell dusters, but that's about five per cent of what, you know, we do.
That's bins, floors, worktops, glass.
Best till last, OK? Take one of these little fellas.
I'm gonna dip it in there, like that.
It's nearly dry.
All I'm gonna do, just a circular motion on the wall.
Because of the texture and quality of the chammy, that's coming off with tap water.
No solvents.
It won't discolour the paint.
With this, I'm removing the stain job, not the paint job.
That's done.
That's dry again.
You can use that again.
Can I take a dozen to start with? Sold to that man.
OK, yeah, sure.
Start off like that and then let's see.
Can I ask you summat? Who does your tampons? Back again! A new Dawn.
She looks a bit A younger model, though.
I'm not a model.
Not as bright as Dawn.
- Hiya.
- How are you, David? - Hiya.
- Hello.
- What's the crack? - Just the same old stuff.
- Cromwell still on your case? - Yeah.
Remember what I said about Trevor? You can tell when he's lying - his lips move! See you later, mate.
Keenan in? I bought that from Halfords.
- Here he is! - Grrrr! - He nicked me job.
- Didn't nick it.
- I didn't want it.
- He begged for it back.
- Didn't! What are you talking about? - He's here more often now than then! - Exaggerating! - Always nice to see you.
- It's nice for them to see me.
- Bit disruptive.
It's good for them, good for the company and you.
Learn that! - Always nice to see you.
- And for them.
- He's here an awful lot.
- I never outstay my welcome.
- Perhaps you should call ahead.
- No! You're not a doctor! Hardly likely to be a doctor, but when I am No.
Six years' medical training.
He's got one O level.
- Always welcome, but call ahead.
- I'm not gonna call ahead.
- Then I'll lock the door.
- Yeah? I'll still get in.
- Should phone ahead.
- I'm not gonna call ahead.
I can only give you ten minutes, David.
- What do you mean? - Er, busy.
I'm busy.
I did 60 hours last week.
I know how many hours you do.
He forgets that.
- Should phone ahead.
- I'm not gonna call ahead.
I did learn a lot from David.
I learnt from his mistakes.
OK, we're very different people.
He used humour where I use discipline.
And I learnt that nobody respected him.
In a war, if you want your platoon to go over the top with you to certain death, it's no good saying to them, ''Please come with me.
I'll tell you a joke.
'' It's a direct order, ''Come with me.
'' They'll go, ''He's got good leadership skills.
Let's go with him to our certain death.
'' And, also, if you're laughing in the jungle, you'll give away your position to the enemy.
- Want me to send that? - Please, yeah.
Want me to send it out as it is? It's got your signature on it.
- Um, yeah.
- You're happy with it? - Seems fine.
- Yeah, fine.
You're right.
It is 2002.
Oh, it's the wrong date.
I'll change it.
Don't worry.
I'll do it.
Wouldn't you be happier over there with the rest of the finance department? No.
God, I spent a week over there.
Whingeing lot.
And that big Keith, he's grotesque, isn't he? I didn't like it.
I couldn't breathe.
I had to get out.
I couldn't stand it.
It was so confined and I needed the space.
Is that more comfy? Is that more comfy now? Oh, you're so good! Aw! Oh, bless you! Bless you! That's so clever.
So are you actually living here now? It's sort of complicated because I know this is a bit naughty.
This won't go out over here, will it? We're being naughty because you are meant to go home after 90 days.
We're bending the rules and having an extended holiday.
What are you doing for money? Um, odds and ends, really.
Cash-in-hand stuff for friends of Lee's sister.
He's doing gardening and things.
And I'm unofficial babysitter.
- This is Ryan.
Say hello, Ryan.
Jackie's baby.
- And Jackie is? Jackie is Lee's sister and Gary is Jackie's husband.
This is their place.
And we've been here for how long? It's rent free.
Rent's the biggest expenditure, normally.
We're not paying any.
Not paying rent, so It's so cheap, you can live on a pittance.
Our situation here is almost as good as it was in Slough.
(TIM) I had feelings for Dawn, obviously.
And I realise now that .
well, we were really good friends, and I misinterpreted that friendship for something.
And that wasn't how she was feeling and it got a bit out of proportion in my mind, I guess.
And I really wish I hadn't done what I did.
But I did.
But, you know, she's cool.
Lee's fine.
She said no to me.
And they're fine.
So there's no harm done.
It's all cool.
From what I hear, they're loving it out there, apparently.
It's a little bit different now, though, because Gareth is not General Manager like I was when I was here.
I was sort of omnipotent and he's doing a much more watered-down version.
That was 'cause of your redundancy.
They couldn't call it the same.
He sued them.
- Did you win? - Oh yes.
- They had to pay you off.
- Out-of-court settlement.
- Quite a lot of money.
- Wasted most of it.
- I didn't waste it.
- Tell her what you spent it on.
- I released my own single, if that's a waste.
- It didn't even get in the top 100! Good.
Didn't want it to.
Next? How much did that cost, putting out a single? ''Cost'' is a bit misleading because I paid for everything.
Studio time, PR costs.
- Roughly, how much did you spend? - Roughly? £42,000.
But that's all outgoings.
That's not taking into account the money I made from the singles sold.
- How much did you make? - I had my own label, ''Juxtaposition''.
Um, I was taking the lion's share, so I made £1 profit for every single sold.
How many records did you sell? - Uh, 50, something like that, overall.
- Sorry? - 150.
- That was mainly to friends and family.
- They were only buying them out of sympathy.
- Definitely not.
- I bought five out of sympathy.
- You bought 'em for your mates.
- They're still in the garage.
- Why If you don't know me by now You will never, never, never know me Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh All the things That we've been through You should understand me Like I understand you Now, girl, I know the difference Between right and wrong Oh, I ain't gonna do nothin' To break up our happy home Woh, don't get so excited I get home a little late at night 'Cause we only act like children When we argue, fuss and fight, woh If you don't know me by now If you don't know me You will never, never, never know me Ooh No, you won't, no If you don't know me by now If you don't know me You will never, never, never know me Ooh No, you won't - Any calls? - No.
- Janet hasn't called? - No.
You see all these white middle-class fuddy-duddies going, ''We've got to find the new equivalent.
'' Dr Dre, Ice-T.
They're the equivalent of Wordsworth.
- Hello.
- Hiya.
All right? - Yep.
Doing all right? - I think so.
Ask these.
They know! I'm repping in the day.
I like that.
And at night I do me celebrity appearances.
500 quid a time.
Is that enough jobs for you? - Great.
- How are you doing? Good, thanks, yeah.
- You're not keeping them from their work? - A morale boost helps them work.
They're loving it.
Look at their faces! Yes, I can see that.
Don't over-excite them.
- No.
Try not to.
- See you later.
See you later.
Oh, dear! ''How's it going?'' I think he knows full well how well it's going.
I'm lucky! - Do you resent Neil? - The man or the boss? - Either.
- Neither.
Next? Do you miss being in the office environment? Um, I am in the office environment.
If you've got a mobile phone .
you're in the office.
I can be in my office, bombing along at 70 miles an hour plus, 70 miles an hour tops, yeah? I can pull over safely, make a phone call.
''Hi, Paula, it's David.
Can you fax me those important facts and figures asap?'' You've got a fax machine in the car? Not in the car, but I can get to somewhere that has, call her again.
''Hi, I'm here now.
Fax it now.
I'm in the Ramada Inn, Reading.
Look it up.
'' That's So OK.
Thank you for coming.
Uh, three o'clock on the 14th.
Fortnightly management meeting, chaired by myself.
- You've got your agendas.
- Gareth.
- What? - Can I add something to the agenda? No.
You know you cannot submit something to be discussed during the meeting.
(BOTH) It has to be submitted before two so it can be typed up.
- The agenda has been typed up.
- I got this after two o'clock.
- I couldn't have got it in before.
- Wait till next time.
Why don't I give you the information now? Mike thinks his quotes don't include VAT.
La-la-la! I did not officially hear that.
You know the rules.
- I cannot possibly get this on the agenda? - No.
- No way I can get this on the agenda? - No.
- What's point seven on the agenda? - ''Any other business''.
- Can I say it then? - Yes.
- I'll wait till then.
- Right.
Enough of this tomfoolery.
Were you embarrassed when Tim asked you out? - Which time? - Shut up! Um, to be honest, I didn't know what to say, really.
You did - you said no.
No, I mean, um, I was just kind of mortified for Tim more than me.
- Anyway, it's a million miles away now.
- And Can we not talk about it, for Tim's sake? I don't wanna hurt Tim's feelings.
OK? Well, look, everyone saw it, so I'm bang to rights.
I told Dawn how I felt and she, you know People are afraid to show their emotions because they don't want their mates to take the piss.
But luckily I have no mates! So, um Actually, when that bit went out on telly, I was watching it with my family and I was mortified, and my grandmother said, ''I'm not surprised she chose the other fella.
I wouldn't kick him out of bed!'' So, Lee, if you're watching and you get ever bored of being with someone with her own teeth, Nana's up for it! Is he in? Oh! Hey! - Never mind all that.
- The Brent meister! How you doing, boy? - All right, David? - Not too bad.
- So how's life on the road? - Pretty good.
You should know! - A few perks, aren't there? - What sort of perks? Use your imagination.
Young, free and single.
Motels! - Girls? - Don't be blatant about it.
- Is that not what you meant? - Don't try and work out if I'm getting any.
You should know.
You don't know.
You're stuck behind a desk.
- I wouldn't if I could now.
- Why not? - I'm getting married.
- Yeah, I heard.
Congratulations! - Who to? - Her name's Rebecca.
We've been going out about six years.
Doing the honourable thing now.
- When's the wedding? - Not till next year.
- I'll be bloody married by then! - Who to? - A year is a long time.
- Are you dating anyone? Dating?! Grandad! - Course he's not.
- I'm out all the time.
Not tied to one.
- Picture of her.
- Good.
- Stunner, isn't she? - Stunner? Sexist! - I prefer someone a bit more intellectual.
- She's a doctor.
You've never seen a girl like that before - not without a staple through her stomach! Come off it! That's degrading to a GP.
- So, well done.
- Thank you.
- Are you bringing a date to the party? - Uh? - Bringing one of your chicks to the party? - Yeah.
- So you need two tickets, then? - Yep.
Put me down for two.
Buy two, get one free.
One for me, one for a woman with me.
- Yep.
- Great.
See you there, with a lady.
Yeah, I have girlfriends, on and off.
They come and go.
In, out, shake it all about.
When was the last time you had an actual girlfriend? I don't look at it as when.
I look at it as who and why, yeah? It's likeI realised it was a heavy gig so I've gotta go if I'm going out with a girl Who? Why? I see it that if I'm having fun with a girlfriend or a girl/friend, whatever, it's gotta be, ''Oh, that was fun.
'' ''Good.
'' ''Can we do it again tomorrow, David?'' ''Can't tomorrow.
Doing summat else.
'' ''What are you doing?'' ''Back off.
Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies.
'' - So you're not looking for a relationship? - I'm not shopping for one.
If I see a bargain, I've got the money.
So That's a metaphor.
I'd never pay for it.
Here we are.
Mumbo Jumbo's.
Smell the stale beer.
I love it! Here we go.
Mumbo Jumbo's.
''Surprise TV Personality.
'' They haven't put it's me here, which is annoying, so my fan base won't know I'm on.
Here he is.
I'd like to complain about this poster, please.
Peter, my agent.
He runs the agency that's taken me on, doing all the PAs and stuff.
What sort of agency is it? A bit of everything, really.
Um Um Tell them what sort of stuff you do.
Well, we have celebrities, like David.
Um We have bands.
- Tribute acts.
- Tribute bands.
- Just like the real thing but cheaper.
- And lookee-likees.
- Tell them what lookee-likees you've got.
- I've got Kirk Douglas.
- Michael Douglas.
- Michael Douglas, his son.
- He looks like him.
- He does.
He looks just like him.
And what does he do? - Er, well, he'll just turn up at a party.
- You can hire him.
And he'll just wander around looking likelike Michael Douglas.
Actually, I'm thinking of, um, getting a Catherine Zeta Jones.
- Good idea.
- 'Cause a lot of people don't realise who he is.
They think he's some old bloke at a party.
Got any lookalikes of me so I don't have to turn up to these things? - You're nowhere near famous enough.
- No, I was joking.
You're meant to big me up.
I have been given an opportunity that would literally be a sin to waste.
So build on it.
They took a normal guy and said, ''Let's see what the nation thinks''.
And the nation seems to be saying, ''Yeah! What else you got?'' So duty calls, you know.
I seem to be able to give pleasure.
- It's two minutes to 1am.
- (CROWD ) Hooray! That's right, folks.
Sarah Whatmore is in the house! (CHEERING) One of the ''Pop Stars'' rejects, with a single out soon.
She's performing live in 20 minutes.
Let me tell you, lads, she is looking hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot Feelin' hot, hot, hot Before that, a special treat.
From the BBC Two documentary ''The Office'', some of you might have bought his single, though probably not - it got to number 400! Let's give him a big Mumbo Jumbo's welcome, David Brent! - Good to see you! - It got to 113.
- What are you up to at the moment? - Just doing this at the moment! No, generally.
You've got loads on.
Yeah, doing more of these, doing my walks for Mencap.
And I've got lots of stuff in the pipeline.
- What sort of stuff in the pipeline? - Even more of these, um - Opportunities, really.
- Great.
Great! - What are you doing for us this evening? - Eh? - What have you got planned? - He just said come and say hello.
- That's it? - Yeah.
Give him a big hand, David Brent! Feelin' hot, hot, hot Feelin' hot, hot, hot Feelin' hot, hot, hot Someone, who shall remain nameless, has persuaded yours truly to, er It's a bit of a laugh, really.
- Dating service.
Online dating.
- I'm going along with it.
Try anything once.
Variety is the spice of life.
Living la vida loca.
La dolce vita.
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi? Know what that means? - ''Will you go to bed with me?'' - I hope no French women apply! - I love French girls.
- So do I.
I'd do most nationalities.
- Your personal details.
- Liberal.
Would you say you are slim, average, well built, heavily built? - Heavily built? - Well built.
- Yeah? - Yeah! Most of it's muscle.
Has Neil got a date for the wedding or is he just? - September.
- September.
Could be good.
Might rain.
Could be a washout.
Hope not.
I hope not.
How would you describe your looks? Very attractive, attractive, average? You can't put ''very attractive''.
It looks like arrogance.
Put ''attractive''.
She'll see me.
Occupation? It's just me and my little boy.
And Andrew.
That's it.
That's all I care about.
Nothing can get in the way.
Mind you, I usually get me own way.
Did I tell you this? We went to that EuroDisney in, um In Paris.
In Paris.
And there was a ride my son wanted to go on, the Space Mountain.
And it's a 40-minute wait to go on the ride.
So I said to my husband Andrew.
I said, ''Andrew, there is no way I am waiting for 40 minutes to go on'' - Space Mountain.
- ''.
Space Mountain.
''There is no way I am queuing for 40 minutes to go on a ride.
'' I went up to the bloke who's supervising it, this French bloke.
- It's full of 'em.
- He spoke perfect English.
I said, ''Listen, I'm with a young lad and he is sick.
'' Didn't have to say anything else.
He read between the lines.
- He thought he was terminally ill? - I didn't say that.
But we went right in the front of the queue.
Thing is, there probably were sick kids and you went straight past them.
I dunno.
There's no way I'm waiting 40 minutes to go on a ride.
- Why should you? - Yeah.
Tell you what ''Your interests.
'' Pubs.
Guilty! - Sports? - Yeah.
- What sports? - Squash.
- I played you.
You're rubbish.
- Just put it.
- Cooking.
You like cooking.
- Don't put that.
- Why? - Under the thumb.
Cooking all me life.
- Watching TV? - Yeah.
Put documentaries.
- Can't specify - Type it in.
- Mixing with friends? - Put loads.
- Travelling? - Yeah.
- When was the last time? - I've travelled.
- Where have you travelled? - Hull.
- Hardly travelling.
- How did I get there? Did it come to me? Here comes Hull down the motorway.
- So arrogant! - Just speaking my mind.
- Lippy.
- I'm an executive now.
Would you jump in my grave so quickly? Come on.
And, you know, you get bored with each other if you're not careful.
And so Andrew's mum bought us the ''Kamasutra'' - and a sort of massage pack.
- Thoughtful.
And I think the one we conceived with was the one where, right, Andrew's laid out and I squat over him.
I lower down and he enters me and I put my full weight on it.
Do you know what I mean? We're like that.
He's right up inside me because of the weight and I simply rock on him, which enables deeper penetration which stimulates him and me.
I can do a lot when I'm there.
I can get really low.
I got the strength in my legs and I can feel the support and he's hitting it right there.
That's it.
Bingo! We're away.
(BABY HOWLS) - Do us a favour.
Shut him up, will you? - How am I supposed to do that? Will you get a chance to get back to Slough this year to see your friends? - This year? No, definitely not.
- Why's that? Um, well, for a start, it would cost three months' wages to go, what we earn.
What if we were able to arrange for you to go back? - There's a million reasons we can't go.
- ''Arrange it''? If we took care of things, would you go back? - Of course.
- Let's talk about it first! Was that a genuine offer? Right.
''Her details.
'' - ''Her marital status.
Single, divorced'' - Not divorced.
No, husband might still be around.
Might be a nutter.
Not getting into that.
- Widowed? - I'd bloody love her to be widowed.
- Minimum age required? - 25.
I don't think you should go out with a 25-year-old.
- Why not? - Age difference too much.
- It's not too much.
- 20 years is.
20 years?! 10 if any I'm not 45, Gareth! - No? - Are you blind? I thought 'cause of thejowls.
Jowls? Look at pokey-nose boy.
Pinocchio man.
Have someone's eye out with that.
- I'll send that.
- What age did you put? - It's already sent.
- What age? - 45.
- I can't believe it! 45? Do you think she'll be happy when she sees you looking like this? - She's not gonna call if she's 25.
- You never had a chance with a 25-year-old.
OK, Christmas party ideas is what I'm looking for.
- Shall we just blue-sky it? - ''Blue-sky it''! Yeah, let's do that, Gareth.
Let's fly it up the flagpole.
Any ideas are welcome.
So, your party.
What do you wanna see? Brainstorm.
Let's go.
- Uh, buffet? - That goes without saying.
- Disco? - OK, I like it.
- Girls.
- What do you mean? - Invite girls.
- Girls will be coming.
Not the girls that work here.
Other girls.
Pretty girls.
- Do you want some prostitutes, Keith? - It shouldn't cost you anything.
- He's putting that down? - Anything else? - Secret Santa? - Excellent.
- Dancing competition.
- Dance comp.
- What about something for the old people? - Of course.
What are you putting? You can't put ''something''.
What? - I dunno.
- We can't put ''something for old people''.
Werther's Originals? A phone call from your son? - Anything else? - Wet T-shirt competition.
We cannot have He's writing that down! Is that for the old people? Definitely not.
Good point.
No OAPs in wet T-shirts.
- The wet T-shirt competition's going ahead? - It's a democracy.
Everyone gets their ideas on paper.
- We cannot have a wet T-shirt competition.
- You can.
Just need a bucket and T-shirt.
Thank you.
There is gonna be a couple of blasts from the past at this party.
- Pete Gibbons and his wife Cheryl.
- Gibbo.
Nice to see them.
UmJeff Lamp might be popping in.
And also Dawn Tinsley and Lee will be popping in.
A flying visit.
- Great! - They'll be popping in.
Yeah, that was a bit of a shock, to be honest.
Er I suppose I'd thought, ''Out of sight, out of mind'' and that I'd got her out of my system.
But, yeah, when I heard she was coming back Erwhat can I say? My stomach just sort of kkkerrrr!! You know At first, I thought it was embarrassment, and then it's the thought of seeing her, or whatever.
So there's obviously something still there.
Um But I'm not gonna ask her again, obviously.
You know.
She'd have to ask me.
If she asked me But that's not gonna happen.
We were torn about whether or not to go home for Christmas.
It's gonna be 75 degrees in Florida.
And then we found out that in Slough it's going to be drizzly! So that swung it for us, didn't it? So, couldn't resist that! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) (COMPERE) From ''Big Brother'', it's BubbleI (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Yes! OK, here we go.
Are you ready for sexy bachelor Number Two? (ALL) Yes! The star of that BBC Two documentary, ''The Office'', he's the boss from hell, he's looking for love and a job, he's all the way from Slough, David Brent! - (WEAK APPLAUSE) - Come on! I'm not looking for a job! (SILENCE) - Take a seat, David.
We'll plug it in! Are you ready for sexy bachelor Number Three? (ALL) Yes! He's the star of the Halifax adverts.
Give it up - it's Howard Brown! (ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE) - Hi, Howard.
- How are you? Fine, thanks.
- Who gives you X-tra? - Who? Who? Who? Who? - Fantastic! I've got some fans here.
- They love you! You've got a few in.
(DAVID ) I'm not just chasing fame per se.
People like to see famous people.
It annoys me when people have a go at celebrities.
You know, like poor Noel Edmonds.
People going, ''What's he doing going round hospitals at Christmas giving out presents? ''He's doing it for himself, isn't he?'' He's not doing it for himself! He's doing it for them.
He's not doing it at all any more.
He can't get on telly for love nor money.
But when he did it, he did it for them.
What's up with People like to see famous people.
Go to a little town in Wales, turn up in Lampeter with Richard Blackwood, and go, ''Oi, everybody! Little surprise for you.
Richard Blackwood.
'' They're gonna go, ''What are you doing here?'' And not in a racist way.
They're happy to see him.
He's welcome 'cause he's famous.
Now it's time to meet our contestant.
She has no idea who our three celebrities are.
Don't spoil it, don't say anything.
Give a big round of applause for our Kim! (WOLF WHISTLES) They like you! Are you all right? Yeah! Got a right little raver here! Question One and who's it to? This is for Number One.
People who know me know that my passion in life is dancing! What is your passion? My passion in life is football.
- I'm a Chelsea fan.
Any Chelsea boys here? - (BOOING) I hope you're a West Ham fan, 'cause after tonight you'll be for ever blowing Bubble! Doesn't work, 'cause the song's ''Blowing Bubbles''.
At least I know what you're doing.
Blow jobs, but Sexist! Question Two, Kim? - Contestant Two.
Everyone thinks.
- Shagadelic, baby.
Groovy, oh, yeah.
- What was that shit? - Don't judge it.
Don't slag Come on.
Let's have the question.
Everyone thinks the character I most resemble is Pussy Galore.
- Which character do you resemble? - Austin Powers.
That's what I was doing.
Before you ruined it.
(SILENCE) Austin Powers.
Kim, your final question OK, Kim, it's time to meet the two you turned down.
From ''Big Brother'', Bubble! Oh, my God! - Heyyou've lost him.
Did you like him? - Yeah! You also turned down Contestant Two from ''The Office''.
That is David Brent! Hey! - Who the fuck's that? - Who are you? What have you been on before? Nothing.
- Wanker! - You're the wanker, mate! (SILENCE) - How do you think that went? - From my point of view, brilliant.
Money for old rope.
You saw how many idiots paid eight quid each.
So call me a wanker! They're the wanker.
I'm just taking the money.
They haven't even been on the telly.
Do you know what I mean? Never work with amateurs.
Don't know what they're doing.
- What? - We knew the answers, so I'm doing my bit.
Then she starts going, ''What was that shit? What was that?'' - What was your shit? - It's only a bit of fun.
If I want advice off you, it'll be about mortgages.
Can I retaliate? I can't hit a woman, so can I have some beer, please? Thank you very much.
Do you like it? I'll put that on you.
I was already wet, so the joke's on her.
Prick! Tart! Oh, I could have - Get that dry-cleaned before you take it back.
- Huh? Get that dry-cleaned.
They'll take your deposit otherwise.
D'you reckon they'll take my deposit if it's ripped? Will they take it if it's a bit fucking ripped? You cretin! Do you want another beer? - Was that my beer? - Yeah.
- Do you want me to get you another - Yes! - I've only got a twenty.
Have you got change? - Take it out of that! So what becomes of you, my love When they have finally stripped you of The handbags and the glad rags That your grandad had to sweat so you could buy?