The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Alliance

- Michael? - Oh, God.
Dwight, come on - About the downsizing - There is none.
But if there were, I'd be protected as assistant regional manager? - Assistant to the regional manager.
- So I needn't worry? Look, I talked to Corporate about protecting sales staff.
They couldn't guarantee it if we downsize.
- But we're not downsizing, so - Bottom line.
Do I need to be worried? Mm, mm, mm.
It looks like there's gonna be downsizing.
And it's part of my job, but I hate it.
I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that I get no pleasure out of saying the words, "You're fired.
" You're foir-ed.
"Uh, you're foir-ed.
" It just makes people sad, and an office can't function that way.
"You're foir-ed.
" I think if I had a catchphrase, it would be, "You're hired and you can work here as long as you want.
" But that's unrealistic, so It's a real shame, cos studies have shown that more information gets passed through water-cooler gossip than memos.
Which puts me at a disadvantage, because I bring my own water to work.
- Why d'you do this? - I didn't do it.
What do you mean? Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for maintenance.
So what do you guys hear? What's a scuttlebutt? Get set for Operation Morale Improvement, starring Michael Scott.
I think I have had a little stroke of genius in that I have had my assistant Pam Smile, Pam.
I have had her go out and find out whose birthday is coming up so we can have a little celebration for it.
Not bad.
Not bad at all.
All right.
And the birthday person is Drum roll, please.
Who is the birthday person? - Who is it? Who's the birthday? - Um Actually, we don't have any staff birthdays coming up.
Next person on the - calendar.
- OK, um - That would be Meredith.
- Yes! All right.
Come on down, Meredith.
- But it's not until next month.
- Um Uh, OK.
Great, well, you know, it'll be a surprise.
- You still wanna have a party? - Yeah, why not? Sure.
Go ahead, live a little.
Come on, Pam.
Come on, shake it up.
Shake it up! Shake it up! Brrrp! Uh, Spock, are there any signs of life down there? Well, let me check, Captain.
Eeee! Eeee! Eeee! Eeee! No, Captain.
No signs of life down here.
Just a wet blanket named Pam.
Star Trek Well, for decorations, maybe we could - It's stupid.
Forget it.
- What? I was going to say maybe we could have streamers, but that's dumb, everybody has streamers.
- Never mind.
- No, I think that's a good idea.
What color do you guys think? Well, there's green blue yellow - red - How about green? - I think green is kind of whoreish.
- This was tough.
I suggested we flip a coin but Angela said she doesn't like to gamble.
Of course, by saying that, she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her.
These are my party-planning beeyatches.
Pulled off an amazing '80s party last year.
Off the hook! So I was thinking, if you haven't already got a cake maybe going for one of those ice-cream cakes from Baskin-Robbins.
"Very good.
Very delicious.
" Meredith's allergic to dairy, so She's not the only one that's gonna be eating it, right? I think everybody likes ice-cream cake.
It's not It's not just about her, so - It is her birthday.
- Mint chocolate chip! How about mint chocolate chip? Hey, so listen I was thinking that it might be a good idea if you and I formed an alliance because of the downsizing.
I think an alliance might be a good idea, you know.
Help each other out.
Do you want to form an alliance with me? - Absolutely, I do.
- Good, good.
Now we need to figure out who's vulnerable and who's protected At that moment, I was so happy.
Everything Dwight does annoys me.
Did you get your tickets? - To what? - The gun show.
And I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him but only in ways that would get me arrested.
And then here he comes and he says, "Jim, here's a way.
" There's one other thing and this is important.
Let's keep this alliance totally secret.
Don't tell anyone.
An alliance? What does that even mean? I think it has something to do with Survivor, but I'm not sure.
Um I know that it involves spying on people and we may build a fort.
Jim? Hey.
Hi, Pam.
Listen, could I talk to you a second about the paper products.
- Did you tell Pam about the alliance? - What? No? - Just now? - Dwight, no.
I'm using her, for the alliance.
Who knows the most information about this office? Pam.
- That's good.
Pursue this.
- I'm trying to.
See what I'm doing? I'm going to have to talk to her a lot.
There may be chatting, and giggling.
- You gotta just pretend to ignore it.
- Done.
All right.
Can you get her? She's right there.
That is Meredith, the birthday girl.
And this is Meredith's card.
"Happy Bird-Day!" Um, let's see.
Jim Jim wrote, "Meredith, I heard you're turning "Just fudge the numbers.
" Not bad.
Pretty funny.
I don't appreciate condoning corporate fraud though.
Here's the thing.
Whatever I write here has to be really, really funny because people out there are expecting it.
I've already set the bar really high.
And they're all worried about their jobs, you know.
It's kinda dark out there.
Can you imagine if I wrote something like, uh "Oh, Meredith.
Happy birthday.
"You're great.
Love, Michael.
" They seem awfully chummy, don't you think? - What do you think that's about? - Only one way to find out.
I'm on it.
- You are not going to believe this.
- I believe it.
- Tensions were high.
- It was in the body language.
- That looks good.
What is it? Turkey? - Italian.
Oh, Italian.
Wow! You got the works there.
Red onion.
Provolone Toby and Kevin are trying to get Angela kicked off.
Let 'em.
It helps our cause.
Well, if Kevin's in Accounting and Toby's in Human Resources and they're talking They're forming an alliance.
- I love their sandwiches.
- I love them too.
- Their bread's really good.
- It's very good.
Damn it.
Damn it! God! OK, listen.
We need to assume that everyone is forming an alliance to get us kicked off.
God damn it! Why us? Because we're strong, Dwight.
Because we're strong.
Meredith, Meredith Meri Mary had a little lamb.
Mary Meredith had a little lamb.
Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor.
Hey, Oscar! Come on in.
What's up? - I'm sorry to bother you.
- Not at all.
Come on in.
My nephew is involved with a charity for cerebral palsy and I was wondering if maybe you'd like to you know - What? - Donate to the charity.
Oh, God.
Of course I would.
Get it over here.
- Get that over here.
- Thank you.
No, I'm always good for some serious buckage.
Two dollars, three dollars.
People out here do not care about diseases.
I am going to give you $25.
That's that's - That's very generous.
- Oh, my gosh, well Listen, Oscar, generosity and togetherness and community all convalescences into morale.
That's what I say, so - Hey, Jim, can I talk to you for a second? - Sure, what's up? I don't know.
I'm going a little crazy cos I keep overhearing all these conversations between Michael and Corporate about, like, staff issues.
- Oh, no? - Yeah, he's making me take notes on these meetings and I'm, like, "These people are my friends.
" But he's, like, "This is confidential.
You can't tell anybody.
" I just feel like I want to aah - Promise me you're not gonna say anything.
- No, I won't tell anybody.
- This is between you and me.
- OK.
- Jackpot.
- That was beautiful.
All her idea, too.
She's so great.
Meredith, bad breath.
Meredith has bad breath.
- Hey.
You wanted to see me? - Yeah.
- What do you know about Meredith? - I don't think she'd be missed.
There's not going to be downsizing, Dwight, OK? I just I need to know a little bit more about my friend.
Name, Meredith Palmer.
Personal information, divorced twice, two kids.
Employer, Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated.
- Awards, multiple Dundees.
- I know all that.
I need something kind of embarrassing, you know.
Kind of fun, inside.
She had a hysterectomy.
- Which one is that again? - They remove the uterus.
Oh, God! Dwight, no.
I'm trying to write something funny.
What do I do with a removed uterus? - It could be kinda funny.
- I am on a deadline here.
And just OK.
Thanks for your help.
I'll work it out.
Thank you, Dwight.
That was a waste of time.
OK, here's the deal.
All right.
Pam says one of the alliances is meeting in the warehouse during Meredith's birthday.
- We have to be there.
- I know, but there's no place to hide.
Yes, there is.
Behind the shelves.
- Oh, my God.
- What? What? - I know.
I know exactly what to do.
- Great.
I'm a deer hunter.
I go all the time with my dad.
One thing about deer, they have very good vision.
One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are at vision.
This is going to be perfect, OK? Centrally located.
Perfect cover.
- I can hear and see everything.
- Good.
Michael? Are you done yet? - Just a sec.
Just a second.
It is perfect.
Thank you.
Here we go.
It is time, thank you.
OK, come on.
Let's go! Get the cake.
Here we go.
Come on! Shhh.
Be quiet.
- Wait, this isn't gonna work.
The lid's open.
- So tape it down.
- I can't.
You won't be able to breathe.
- I can breathe just fine.
But if it makes you feel better, I'll poke holes in the box.
Thank you.
Sur-prise! Oh Surprise! - No It's uh - It's surprise, Meredith! One, two Happy birthday to you - Find a key.
- Happy birthday So do you want me to stay here and you know, stand next to the box? No, you need to go upstairs to the party - so people don't notice we're both gone.
- Right That's good.
Can I trust Jim? I don't know.
Do I have a choice? No, frankly, I don't.
Will I trust Jim? Yes.
Should I trust Jim? You tell me.
birthday, dear Meredith Happy birthday to you And many more! Last year, five years ago - Were you surprised? - Yes.
You looked freaked, man.
We said, "Surprise.
" You were, like, "What?" "What the hell's goin' on here?" - Why don't you have some of this cake? - Uh, I can't.
- Come on.
A little bit.
- I can't eat dairy.
- Oh, right.
Too bad.
It's so good.
- It makes me sick.
You know, if I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself.
Cos this is way, way too good.
- He's in a box? - Pam, he's in a box.
He's downstairs, in a box, on the floor, near the shelves.
I'm serious.
Go down there and work your magic.
Hey, where are you? Yeah, we were supposed to meet here.
What? Oh, my gosh! That ties in perfectly with something that Michael was telling me earlier! I just don't know what some of the people in, like, Accounting are gonna do.
It said specifically that Oh.
Jim, good party, huh? Just a little something I whipped up - a little morale boost.
Speaking of which, I meant to tell you.
Very impressive, your donation to Oscar's charity.
- What was it, 25 bucks? - Well, you know, money isn't everything.
It's not the key to happiness.
You know what is? Joy.
You should remember that.
Maybe you'll give more than three dollars next time.
Yeah, well, three dollars a mile is gonna end up being like 50 bucks.
So God, I can't even calculate what you're gonna have to give.
Is Oscar around? I just thought it was kind of a flat, you know $25, one-time donation.
I didn't think it was a per mile kinda deal.
You know, so Well, that's what a walkathon is.
- I know.
- It says it right on the sheet.
Look at the sheet.
It says, "However many dollars per mile.
" Got it.
So it does.
Um I just think it's kind of cheap to undonate money to a charity.
No, no.
That wasn't what I was No.
It's not about the money.
It's just It It's the ethics of the thing, Oscar.
How's your nephew? Is he in good shape? - Yeah.
- How many miles did he do last year? - Last year, he walked 18 miles.
- Son of a bitch.
That is impressive.
- Happy birthday.
- Read it out.
Say who wrote everything so we know whose is the best.
"Happy Bird-Day!" Um "Meredith, good news.
You're not actually a year older because you work here "where time stands still.
" - I don't know about that.
- That was Stanley.
"Meredith, happy birthday.
- "You're the best.
Love, Pam.
" - Aw! - Huh! Thanks, downer.
- This is from Michael.
"Meredith, let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you "is that someone downsizes your age.
" Because of the downsizing.
And because you're gettin' old.
No, I I get it.
- It's funny.
- You didn't get the joke.
That's cool.
You know what? Actually I have a bunch of these, good ones, that I didn't use.
Um Oh, where's that? Oh, OK.
Here's a good one.
"Meredith, Liz Taylor called.
She wants her age back and her divorces back.
" Cos Meredith's been divorced, like, twice.
Is that right? You're right.
You're right.
Divorce Um Oh, OK.
"Meredith is so old " - How old is she? - If everybody could do it? - "Meredith is so old " - How old is she? "She's so old she went into an antiques store and they kept her.
" That wasn't even mine.
I got that off the internet.
Don't get mad at me.
- Nice party, Michael.
- This isn't my fault.
Ladies, not your best effort.
The streamers - I think we could have done better than that.
- Phyllis wanted red.
I didn't.
Oh, boy You OK.
We All right.
Hold on, hold on.
Just a second.
We're losing sight of what is really important here and that is that we are a group of people who work together.
I was I really wasn't gonna flaunt this.
I have made a very sizeable donation to Oscar's nephew's walkathon.
- Per mile.
- Per mile, yes.
When I retire, I I don't want to just disappear to an island somewhere.
I wanna be the guy who gives everything back.
A check for the kids, and for the team.
I want it to be, like "Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?" "Um, well, I don't know.
It was anonymous.
" "Well, guess what.
"That was Michael Scott.
" "But it was anonymous.
How do you know?" "Because I'm him.
" Thank you, Michael.
Come here.
Don't cash that till Friday, OK? - Really? Today? - Yeah.
- Happy birthday.
- Thanks.
- I could say something.
- Don't do that.
OK, I have something that totally tops the box.
- Oh, tell me, tell me.
- OK.
I have convinced Dwight he needs to go to Stamford and spy on our other branch.
But before he does so, I told him that he should dye his hair to go undercover.
That's perfect! If we can get him to drive to Connecticut and put peroxide in his hair - What the hell is this? Trying to cop a feel? - No, dude.
- Just listen.
- Come on.
God, I don't even know how to explain this.
Dwight asked me to be in an alliance.
And then we've just been messing with him because of the whole alliance thing.
- It's just office pranks.
- It's stupid.
What the hell's he talking about? I have absolutely no idea.
Come on.
Do I feel bad about betraying Jim? Not at all.
That's the game.
Convince him we're in an alliance, get some information, throw him to the wolves.
That's politics, baby.
Get what you can outta someone, then crush them.
I think Jim might have learned a very valuable lesson.